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“Why are we doing this again?” Shepard lifted his bucket of water to emphasize his point while Specialist Traynor handed him a sponge. He took it with a sigh, looking back toward the line of skycars waiting for a wash.
“For.. the war effort? Isn’t that what the mission op email said?” James spoke up from behind Shepard in the queue of the other Alliance men waiting for their buckets and sponges. Behind him stood Kaidan, Steve, Garrus, and a handful of other Normandy crew members. Joker stood some ways away with EDI while he was seemingly teaching her how to spin a big sign shaped like an arrow.
Everyone wore identical outfits to look the part, Shepard’s silkies never felt so.. tiny, as he observed the skycars that were being directed to park. After the Alliance had opened reservations for the fundraiser a few days ago, slots sold out within seconds. Most of the cars making their way in didn’t even look dirty enough to warrant a wash.
Samantha spoke up, clearing her throat. “It’s a charity fundraiser.”
“What’s the charity for?” Shepard’s eyes wandered away from Samantha as he watched Kaidan bend down to fill his bucket. Samantha might’ve said what the fundraiser was for, but he didn’t hear anything other than the tone of her voice.
Joker’s wolf whistle brought Shepard out of his trance, the pilot hooted and cupped his hands over his mouth to amplify his voice. “Damn Kaidan! Wanna leave some stuff to the imagination? There’s kids here!” He briefly looked behind himself at all of the cars lined up before continuing, “Nah wait never mind, feel free to show off all the ass you want. You’re good.”
Kaidan’s blush started from his neck and moved upward to his ears, he stood and pulled the back of his shorts down. He turned with a glare, his thick eyebrows furrowed like angry caterpillars. “If somebody bothered to tell me we needed these damn shorts for today I might’ve had a better pick of sizes!” He self-consciously tugged the hem of the shorts down and exposed the v of his hips as he did so.
It was James who whistled this time. He approached the Major and clapped a hand against his back hard enough that Kaidan’s bucket of water sloshed over. He groaned in exasperation as he realized he’d need to fill the bucket again. Kaidan very slowly squatted, taking great care to make sure his too-small shorts didn’t ride up too high, he glared at the group of his crewmates, fumbling behind himself to blindly turn the spigot on while not dropping eye contact with Joker who was wiggling his eyebrows.
“Chop chop boys! We’ve got people waiting!” Samantha clapped her hands and made her way towards the skycars. She found a shady spot and unfolded the beach chair she had under her arm. She sat and reached into a bag to pull out a pair of sunglasses and a wide-brimmed sunhat. “Oh!” She yelled toward the group approaching the cars. “-And do be sure to look pretty for the cameras! We’ll be making a calendar of today’s events, we sold out on reservations so quickly the Alliance wants to have something available for those who missed out. Make sure to smile!” She pointed toward a floating camera drone, that hovered around Shepard and the rest of the Alliance men.
“..So she just gets to sit around and boss us?” Kaidan walked alongside Shepard who snorted in response.
“Seems that way. I suppose this is a dream come true for her.” Garrus’s purr of a voice spoke up with a chuckle under his words.
James grinned, “Y’know I’ve never seen a Turian in shorts before. How’d you manage to get em on over all those spurs and spines?” Out of everyone, he seemed to be having the most fun with the assignment.
Garrus thought for a moment, “..Very carefully. And my talons did tear a pair or two before I figured them out. I’ve realized that drawstrings and talons aren’t exactly the best of friends. I didn’t attempt trying with the shirt.”
James barked out a laugh. “Is that why Alenko’s shorts are small enough to be indecent? You ripped up all the larger sizes?”
Steve suddenly spoke up from behind the rest of the troupe, “Stop teasing him James, he’s gonna demote you. Imagine going home with a dishonorable discharge because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut about our superior officer’s assets.” He laughed despite his words.
“Esteban, you just said ass -ets. You’re officially the funniest guy I’ve ever met.” The tail end of James’s sentence ended with a yelp as he caught a sudsy sponge straight to the chest, he was about to volley it right back in the general direction of which it was thrown but as he wound up his throw, a camera shutter sounded above him. He looked to see a photo drone that whirred around to take a series of pictures.
James looked down to see the sponge had soaked his shirt, suds ran down his arm and a goofy smile spread over his features. He winked at the lens and decided against throwing the sponge since it would be documented and all.
The group stopped where they were directed and Joker knocked the brim of his hat with a knuckle, his arm was suspiciously wet as if he’d been the one to have tossed the sponge. “I’ll be seeing you guys. Some of these folk paid top dollar for their cars to be valeted by the best.”
“Remind me what all these people are spending their chits on again?” Kaidan turned his attention toward the area where Joker was headed. Some well-off sort of people were sitting under umbrella-covered tables with drinks in their hands, Joker even waved to the patrons as he approached. He bowed like a ringmaster of a circus before entering one of the skycars. The vehicle jumped, reminiscent of the way people bounced lowrider cars back on Earth.
“Mm, I don’t think they care all that much, the fundraiser could be for the right to marry a Varren for all these people care.” Shepard’s joke was a little dry.
“Yeah, they’re payin for a gun show. I don’t think it’s really about the cars.” James flexed his arms and another camera click sounded from somewhere, someone sitting at the concession area whistled and James only struck another pose in response.
“That doesn’t mean you need to cheese it up.” Steve’s tone parrotted Shepard’s dry one.
Samantha barked from a ways behind them, “I’m hearing a lot of chit-chat and seeing a lot of dirty vehicles!”
James wiggled his eyebrows at Steve, he punched him playfully in the arm. “What she said!”
The first car zoomed over, it spun in a loop before wooshing to a smooth stop after doing a full 360. Some patrons at the concession area cheered and Joker stepped out of the vehicle with another bow.
After the valeted car, a few more cars appeared after being ushered in. Shepard cracked his neck from side to side, “Alright, let’s get this over with.”
The group dispersed, Shepard was handed a hose and he sprayed down two of the cars. He handed it off to another crew member and then got to work.
After a few minutes of squeegeeing the overhead window of a car, he turned to see Steve hard at work with a sponge, Garrus was the same, his pupils were narrowed with intense focus. It was the same look he had when he worked on his calibrations, Shepard found that detail to be hilarious. Kaidan was working on squeegeeing another car and Shepard almost felt bad for the way that when he leaned over, the shorts were definitely a little too short for decent. He heard the camera drone shutter again and then he looked to James who was leaning over the metal gate railing of the concession area, he looked to be signing an autograph.
Shepard dunked his hand into the bucket at his feet, he tried not to pay any mind to the camera click from the drone that sounded as soon as he bent over. Once his sponge was as heavy as it could get, he launched it with perfect accuracy to smack James in the back of the head.
“Ay! Loco-! What was that for?” James flailed his arms out, causing the group of people he amassed to laugh. He bent to pick up the sponge and Shepard watched someone behind the railing open their omnitool to sneak a picture. Shepard didn’t even feel bad, as weird as it was to sneakily take a photo of someone’s ass.. He knew that James would find it hilarious and then his ego would grow another ten sizes.
James scampered back to the car that Shepard was working on, there was not an ounce of shame within his giddy grin. “I’m just giving the people what they came here for.”
“They came here for clean skycars.”
“Sure they did compadre. Sure they did.”
Before Shepard could fire back with another quip, he heard a riiip from around the vehicle.
Garrus growled, “ Spirits-”
“You alright bud?” Shepard cocked his head.
“Remember when I said that talons and this blasted fabric don’t mix well?” Garrus walked around the car and pointed to the comical way his hip was now protruding out from a rip in the fabric. “Well, apparently your human-” He pinched at the fabric, “What are these again?”
“Silkies.” James and Shepard spoke in unison.
“-well apparently my hip plating is too sharp for them.” He awkwardly tried to hide his protruding hip from the tear in the fabric. The drone zoomed toward the Turian and took a series of pictures.
“You could spread butter with those hips.” Shepard chuckled.
“He should,” James laughed and turned his attention to Garrus. “Get your boney ass over to the concession area. That’ll make a good October. Or is a food theme more of a November?”
“You’re having way too much fun with the calendar thing.” Shepard rolled his eyes.
“It’s not my fault the camera loves me.”
The next series of skycars flew by quickly, Joker occasionally brought a car over, making sure to do as many tricks as he could manage in the minute of a drive over toward the group. EDI’s sign twirling had gotten rather impressive in the short time since Joker showed her what to do, she absolutely beamed when a car making its way into the car wash stopped to tip her a few chits.
“Are we working for tips? I thought these people already paid.” Steve wrung his dirty sponge out and pulled up his shirt to wipe his face, the fabric was sodden so it really didn’t do much drying and instead just exposed his dewy muscles and earned him a few whistles. The camera drone of course took advantage of the scene.
“Traynor?” Shepard spoke up a little louder so she could hear.
“Oh, everyone’s already paid. But I don’t see the issue with taking any further donations.” Samantha had a salt-rimmed margarita in one hand, she didn’t even look up from her omnitool as she spoke. She looked like she was relaxing on a cruise ship much less under an awning at a car wash.
Kaidan groaned, “Someone already tried to put a chit in my waistband.”
Samantha sat up as she heard Kaidan speak. “Major Alenko, I’m looking through all the pictures the drone’s captured thus far. Would it be possible to..” She seemed at a loss for what to say. She smiled awkwardly, her eyes flicking to Shepard for assistance.
Shepard walked over to take a look at what she meant. He swiped through the images and nearly doubled over laughing. In every single photo, Kaidan looked wildly uncomfortable. Whenever the drone managed a photo of his face, he had a grimace on his features. There was one completely ridiculous photo of Kaidan on one knee, pulling his shirt down in an attempt to hide his shorts or something. The next photo was uncomfortably close-up, it almost looked like Kaidan was trying to smile, but his expression was closer to a grimace with too much teeth.
Shepard linked his omnitool to the camera feed and made sure to favorite the photo to keep in his files for the next.. forever. Most of what the drone had captured wasn’t terrible, the photos were certainly a little risque, but he had to admit, the picture of himself wringing out his shirt with suds dripping down his abs and into his waistband was a pretty damned flattering image. There was a few of James showing off his back muscles, more than a few good photos of Steve (the guy was ridiculously photogenic), a photo of Joker looking right at home behind the controls of a skycar, his biceps were nicely highlighted in the colored lighting of the vehicle... Even the rest of the Normandy crew members working on the cars that hadn’t paid top dollar looked pretty damned good in the photos. It was just Kaidan who looked incredibly awkward.
He walked back to the group, still swiping through all the photos. Shepard nudged Kaidan playfully with his shoulder, standing next to him to squeegee the window of the car he was currently working on. “You could loosen up just a little. I promise I won’t tell anyone that Major Alenko, second human Spectre doesn’t hate this as much as he wants everyone to believe.”
The joke only earned him a huff. Shepard nudged him again, and Kaidan just barely cracked a smile. Before Shepard could crack another joke to see if he could crack that little smile into a grin, a hiss of the hose sounded behind him and Shepard caught the sudden spray of water right to his back. He shivered involuntarily as cold shot up his spine, he turned only to catch the hose right to the face. Shepard sputtered, throwing his hands out to shield himself from the blast.
James only relented once Shepard was completely wet, he looked as if he’d just jumped into a pool. “Damn it! What the shit was that for Vega?”
Shepard launched another sponge at him except for this time, James was wise to the attack and he ducked. The sponge soared right over him and ended up catching Garrus right on the side of the face.
Without missing a beat, James shouted, “Scratch one!”
Kaidan wheezed, a laugh bubbled forth and he leaned back against the skycar to catch his breath as he fought to control the laughter that he seemingly couldn’t put a cap on. As endearing as Kaidan cracking up was, Vega wasn’t in the clear just yet. Shepard pulled his dripping shirt over his head, he wrung it out, and maybe posed a little for the drone before he pulled it into a tight coil. He snapped the wet shirt like a whip and his face hardened into a glare.
“Ah. That’s the ‘You’re dead’ face. I know it well. Better start running Vega.” Garrus had seemingly given up trying to keep his hip from being exposed from the ripped fabric, he leaned against a pillar, his leg crossing over the other as if getting comfortable to watch the impending bloodbath.
James swallowed hard, he had the good sense to look a little wary before he darted between some of the cars waiting for a wash. Shepard advanced, snapping the wet shirt like a whip.
“Loco! ‘Aint anyone ever told you no running poolside?” James jumped out of the way as the wet shirt snapped toward him, he placed his hands on the hood of a car and kept light on his toes in preparation to duck or run.
“We aren’t at a pool.”
“Yeah, but wet concrete compadre, same thing.”
Shepard rolled his eyes, he lunged forward and as James turned to run, he snapped him right in the ass with the coiled up shirt. James yelped and weaved between another car, Shepard heard a slosh, and then Steve stood up with a triumphant grin and an empty bucket.
“Cortez, you’re always comin’ to my rescue arent you?” Shepard blew him a kiss with a wink, it was a running joke between them that Steve was often his knight in shining armor when it came to saving his ass from all sorts of dangerous scenarios. Though this time was just a towel shirt fight, Steve somehow came in clutch yet again.
James was quick to whip off his shirt, he laughed and shook his hair out like a wet dog. “Alright alright, you got me good. I surrender-” He held one hand up while the other coiled his shirt up, he waited until Steve wasn’t looking before whipping him in the back with his shirt.
“Some kinda surrender!” Steve huffed, he pulled his shirt over his head as well and whipped James right back. James moaned with a high-pitched exaggerated noise, “Harder! Whip me, Esteban!”
Steve abruptly dropped his wet shirt to the floor with a plop. He crinkled his nose up and James laughed at his expression.
“He’s gonna be hard to put down tonight huh?” Kaidan approached Shepard with a laugh, he reached to snap Shepard’s waistband.
“Hey-!” Shepard heard the camera shutter again, he watched James skidding to a stop, and then watched Joker blast him with the hose. By this point, pretty much all of the patrons in their cars or around the concession area had their omnitools out and were filming the scene.
“We’ll just let him tire himself out. He’ll sleep like a baby.” Shepard crossed his arms, his biceps bulging a little, he sent a smoldering look toward the drone that might’ve rivaled one of James’s.
Kaidan wrung out the bottom of his shirt, he watched water drip to the concrete floor but then realized that his shirt was entirely too sodden for just wringing it out to do much good. “The rest of the crew managed to get through cars twice as fast as we did. Your squad’s looking a little shoddy.” He cocked his head toward the other cars and sure enough, there were only a few more in the queue, meanwhile, the cars whose owners paid extra for Shepard’s personal squad were still queued up and waiting. If Shepard had to guess, he’d say they got through about six before everyone started whipping each other with their shirts.
“We’re combat trained. Not.. sexy car wash trained.”
“Really? You could’ve fooled me.” Kaidan winked, he picked up a sponge once more and began to lazily work at finishing up one of the cars.
“Same to you Major, with daisy dukes like those? How many tips have you gotten today?”
Shepard’s words earned him a sponge to the chest, Kaidan pulled his shirt over his head and coiled it up just the same as Shepard had done earlier. He pulled the shirt taught, “One more word about the shorts and I’m gonna smack you with this hard enough to bruise.”
“What shorts? The teeny tiny ones that barely cover your-” Shepard dodged out of the way from Kaidan’s attack, he accidentally kicked a bucket over and skidded on his heel in the sudsy water.
Shepard pretended to speak into his earpiece that wasn’t currently equipped, “This is Commander Shepard, I’m calling for backup against-” He yelped as the shirt whipped him in the back, “-Calling for backup. All available units to my position stat!”
“Roger that!”
“Sure thing Commander!”
“Got it!”
Garrus, Steve, and James spoke one after another, and soon the five of them were whipping shirts every which way, attacking anything and anyone that moved despite how Shepard asked for help against Kaidan. Garrus was armed with a hose while Samantha had gotten up to daintily walk from car to car with her hat turned upside down for more donations. Even EDI was politely holding her hands out to accept chits from the people in their cars watching Commander Shepard and his famed squad fighting each other with wet shirts and forgoing their actual task of washing skycars.
Joker had set up by the concession area and was narrating their battle, he’d amassed a small crowd of people to laugh at his jokes, Shepard was momentarily pleased to see Joker signing a few autographs. He always thought that his pilot deserved a little more recognition.
In his moment of distraction, Shepard heard a tearing noise and then all sounds of splash fighting ceased to a stop. Garrus swore under his breath and sure enough.. he’d somehow ripped right through his pants. Steve quickly offered his shirt for Garrus to cover himself with, but the Turian only laughed and tore the tattered shorts from his body. James whistled with a laugh and Shepard heard the drone going wild, he could also hear a few offended gasps from people in the concession stands, but there was enough whistling for him to feel as if only a few people were actually offended. It wasn’t as if Turians had all the bits and bobs like humans did, really they were all plating..
Garrus coiled the tattered fabric up of his shorts, “What? Is everyone surrendering? C’mon, I’m naked and I’ve got nothing to lose.”
“Yeah. He already lost his shorts.” James’s eyes were a little wide, but he managed to crack a joke.
Samantha hurried past the group of half-naked men (as well as an entirely naked Turian) to collect more chits in her hat, her cheeks were a little pink.
All in all, for how ridiculous the situation was, Shepard wasn’t sure when was the last time he laughed so much. He coiled his shirt up once again and beckoned Garrus with his free hand.
“Come and get me Scar-face!”
By the end of the day, Shepard was more than a little tired. Somehow, washing damned skycars was more exhausting than any field mission he’d ever faced. He was absent-mindedly swiping through the photos of what the drone had captured today and he stopped at an image of his squad, it must have been taken somewhere after they’d finally gotten back to work. The six of them were leaning against a skycar, looking a little breathless, a few people had bottles of water in their hands. Garrus had tied a shirt around his waist like a loincloth and James had a bright red scratch across his chest from something or other, though Shepard assumed it was most likely Garrus’s fault. Joker was the only person fully clothed, Steve had his shirt thrown over his shoulders, rivulets of water dripped down his chest and James looked like some sort of battle-scarred gladiator with that scratch on his chest, his arms were thrown around Steve and Joker’s shoulders. It was a good photo, Shepard clicked the star on the file to keep it saved to his personal files.
He zoomed in to Kaidan’s face and noticed the way his eyes crinkled in the corners, his smile was directed toward himself while the rest of the squad’s was focused on the camera. As cute as that was, it somehow wasn’t his favorite part of the image. No. The best part was Kaidan’s stupid little shorts high on his hips, with his muscled thighs bulging out.
Damn. Shepard smiled appreciatively, he had one hot boyfriend. He didn’t think he’d ever get over the whole ‘take your breath away’ phase with him. He owed James a high five for his idea of “pranking” Kaidan by swapping out his normal shorts for the women’s uniform’s slightly higher cut. He was pretty sure Kaidan hadn’t noticed at all that his shorts were the ladies’ version.
Well.. he supposed it wasn’t the worst thing to keep a few secrets from your lover.