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Kotaro
His body was cold.
I thought he was asleep.
They told me he wasn’t.
I didn’t understand.
I still don’t understand.
Ikumatsu
He was gone.
Vanished from this world.
They didn’t tell me anything.
I didn’t understand.
I still don’t understand.
Kotaro
I knew one thing: I wanted my father back.
No.
I knew two things.
The other thing?
I couldn’t have him back.
Ikumatsu
He had to come back.
He had to.
Where was he?
Where was he...?
Kotaro
He couldn’t be gone forever.
But he was.
He was gone.
Ikumatsu
I was scared.
Kotaro
I was confused.
Ikumatsu
I didn’t cry.
Kotaro
I never stopped crying.
Ikumatsu
That was the first time I felt so lost and alone.
It wasn’t the last.
Kotaro
Where was my mother?
Ikumatsu
My mother was dead.
Kotaro
She couldn’t be gone.
Ikumatsu
She was gone.
Kotaro
Not again.
Not...again…
Ikumatsu
It happened again.
Kotaro
But this was the last time.
Ikumatsu
I wasn’t losing anyone else.
Kotaro
The day came.
That day on the cliffside.
Powerless.
I was powerless.
I couldn’t do anything.
I couldn’t save him.
Ikumatsu
The day came.
The day in the forest.
Powerless.
I was powerless.
I couldn’t do anything.
I couldn’t save him.
Kotaro
He was going to die.
Ikumatsu
They wouldn’t let him go.
Kotaro
A choice was made.
Ikumatsu
It wasn’t my choice.
Kotaro
There was so much blood.
Ikumatsu
I couldn’t stop the blood.
Kotaro
It poured out endlessly.
Ikumatsu
It stained the ground crimson.
Kotaro
I couldn’t scream.
Ikumatsu
I screamed forever.
Kotaro
I pretended it wasn’t real.
Ikumatsu
But it was all real.
***
Kotaro
It’s cold outside, but the shop is warm. It’s always warm, and it’s warm in so many different ways. The first is a physical way, as I’m pretty sure Ikumatsu is some kind of reptile. That kills me in the summer, but I never complain.
The other ways?
I can’t explain them.
Something feels right about her. Something always has. I can’t explain it and can never hope to try, but when I come here, I feel warm inside and safer than I ever have.
Even now.
Even in moments like this.
She stands behind the counter trying to make ramen. She can’t make it. She can’t do anything. She’s frozen in time, frozen in a reality she doesn’t want, just like me.
We’re both frozen.
Standing here.
Staring into nothing.
Tears splash onto the counter, and I don’t know if they’re hers or mine. Hell, it’s all the same.
All the same.
Ikumatsu
I don’t look up at him. I don’t have to.
He knows.
We both know.
Kotaro
I take her hands. I didn’t think about it. Didn’t even know I took them until the blood stopped flowing to my fingers. She’s holding on tighter than she’s ever held on to anything.
Ikumatsu
Zura’s hands are warm. I don’t want to let go of them.
I don’t want to let go of him.
I know he’s like me. I know he’s looked death and uncertainty and pain in the face and lost every single time. I know all of that.
But I don’t know if he’s going to stay.
Kotaro
I’ll stay. I squeeze her hands tighter somehow, and her burn scars are rough against my skin. I’ll make sure of it.
So you don’t have to hold on so tightly.
Too tightly…
But it isn’t too tightly.
It’s just fine.
Ikumatsu
If I don’t hold tight enough, he’ll slip away like everyone else did.
I’m not going to be alone again.
I’m not.
There isn’t going to be any more loss or pain or loneliness.
It all ends now.
I bring his hand up to my face and kiss it, and it’s softer than I remember. No one’s taking you from me.
Kotaro
The world is always going to find a way to take the people I love.
Ikumatsu
The world can try whatever it wants.
I’ll burn it down.
Kotaro
I can see it in her eyes. That madness, the same madness people say I have. It shimmers and gleams, a brilliant flame dancing ceaselessly in the shadows of her irises.
Ikumatsu
“Let me make one thing clear,” I say, keeping my fingers entwined with his and never intending to let go, “I’m done losing.”
I look into his eyes, soft and bright like always, and I’m going to ensure they stay that way. Death is never going to take that sparkle. Death is never going to take anything.
The world is never going to take anything.
He’s the only family I have left. He’s the last thing tying me to this human existence, the last thing keeping me from going crazy.
But I’m going to go crazy anyway. What can an angel protect? I have to be a demon, the worst demon of them all.
And that’s all right.
I can see it in his eyes. That madness, the same madness I concealed within me for years. It glitters and shines like the darkest sun, a star from hell that dares to dance in the light. I’m not the only demon here.
He’s crazy too.