Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first time it happened, everything went like this.

“Morax!” Childe slammed the paper form down in front of his husband after dinner, “I want a divorce.” 

Zhongli merely blinked back. “What for?” 

“It’s already six months,” Childe huffed, crossing his arms. “Liyue and Snezhnaya’s contract is already fulfilled, you don’t need me anymore.” 

“But I do need you, love.” Zhongli looked utterly confused, like he couldn’t fathom why Childe would ask such a thing, “we’re married.” 

“Yes, hence, you know, the divorce paper,” Childe said, sliding the form that he looked up from the internet and printed down in the morning to his husband. 

“Is this because of the sex?” Zhongli was appalled. “Was my performance not up to your satisfaction?”

“Wha-? No-!” Childe could feel his face heating up. Out of all the things he prepared to reply, this took him off guard. Like, had he ever complained- “Last time we did it I can’t even feel my-“ he trailed off, finding them slightly strayed from the topic. “That’s not the point.” 

Zhongli breathed a sigh of relief. The sight of the dinner plates made him ask again, unsure. “Was it because I forgot to wash the dishes yesterday?”

“Not that also.” Housework was another thing that made Childe ponder. Zhongli held such a high position in Liyue that time was mora to him, but he always spent the majority of his free time offering to help Childe with his chores.

“Then why?” 

“I can’t fight like this! I haven’t been fighting for months! I - want- freedom!” Childe roared, throwing his hands in the air. Months of being domestic and idle without anything to do besides watching romance drama movies had finally taken its tolls on him. He wanted bloodshed! He wanted chaos!

“Ah, I understand.” Zhongli paused, face grim after a moment of understanding, “I’ll book you a weekly shooting session at Ziangz.”

“That’s not— Is that the shooting range that has those awesome guns?” 

“Yes love, it has been known for the wide variety of firearm options.”

“But-” That was not fair, Zhongli knew he was eager to improve his awful firing ability and used it to bribe him!

“I hear they include the option for outdoor range as well, the Ruin Guard package I believe?”

“You’re the best xiansheng!”

One day and three exhilarating hours of using expensive automatons as target practices later, Childe had a realization when he met up with Aether in Cat’s Tail cafe.

“Wait! I want a divorce! Not weekly boss fight!” 

“You can pass those to me if you want,” Aether offered. After listening to others complaining about their non-existing problems ever since he set foot on Teyvat, shooting Ruin Guards sounded sweetly in comparison, he could imagine they were his friends, mostly Childe.

“No.”

Aether scowled.

My husband didn’t love me at all, Childe thought. 

Why should he, Zhongli had always been a highly respected member of society while Childe was a juvenile delinquent, stirring troubles every day just for the thrill of it before Tsarista took him in and trained him to become one of her many bodyguards. Their marriage was a small bullet point in the business contract so that Tsarista could strike a deal with Liyue Company to ensure their bank’s prosperity. A shady transaction, but Snezhnaya had never been known for their honest practices. 

At first, Childe had no clue what would the head of Liyue gained from getting his hand in marriage. He was a male, and surely not a soft meek housewife one of Zhongli’s position would crave for. The deal seemed ridiculously one-sided until Signora swatted him in the head and pointed out, with disdain, that of course there were more in the contract and Childe was just a bonus.

They didn’t get to see the contract, but Signora was closer to their boss than Childe, so Childe had a solid reason to take her words at face value, even if she was a bitch. 

From her, he learned that: First, Zhongli kept him as reassurance in case Snezhnaya played dirty since apparently, he was Tsarista’s favorite. Yes, that was news to him too. Second, his fighting skill was valuable and would come in handy in case someone decided to break into Zhongli’s mansion. Third, Childe as wife equaled to free housework labor. 

“Really?” His eyebrows were sky-high, he scoffed. “Zhongli, need a bodyguard? That man is as dull as a rock!” 

While he was the one in charge of Liyue, Zhongli was tactful and humble to everyone that Childe had a hard time thinking anyone could hate him. His vast knowledge of culture and philosophy impressed even the most rigid investors and helped him securing advantageous contracts. He behaved humbly towards his subordinates and rewarded them appropriately. The guy even stayed out of drama and avoided public attention when it came to private life.

In other words, nobody had any reason to send a hit-man after that guy. If he played dirty, he did it good and he hid it well.

“More like needing a lap dog and a maid,” Scaramouche cut in. His two seniors looked far more delighted in Childe’s marriage more than he did. 

Childe, on his part, was terrified.

“I’ll die because of boredom! No thugs to fight and Mr.Zhongli probably dates another beautiful woman and drinks wine from her breasts and I will turn into a cheated depressing spouse.”

“Bit dramatic much?”

“It’s Morax we’re talking about, do you think he will cheat on you?" Signora gauged him up and down in mock assessment, then sighed, "nevermind."

“Well, technically, you are not even worthy as a maid. If he wants sexy wine-drinking he would have gone to this old hag,” Scaramouche pointed to Signora, who swatted his hand away in disgust. 

“Go to hell trash, and who dares to say the esteemed Rex Lapis doesn’t have a skeleton in his closet?”

The only thing closest to trouble for that man would probably be his friends trying to kill him for giving them unwanted history lectures, which Childe wouldn’t mind actually, the man had a warm and soothing voice. Zhongli was nice. Zhongli was too nice!

"He's so pure and trusting that another woman will probably take advantage of him or something..."

"Just to make sure, we're still talking about the same Morax right?"

“Did he choose me?” Childe asked hesitantly, “or Boss just elected at random and I drew the short end of the stick?”

“Dunno,” Signora rolled her eyes, “I overheard him praising your assets to our boss.” 

When did Zhongli see him fight anyway? 

Compared to Zhongli, Childe was much, much, much, much much wilder. Born in the bad side of the city, fighting was all he ever knew. Not like he didn't hate exchanging blows though. As the so-called ‘foul beast’, he thirsted for battles. Only at fourteen did he turn over a new leaf. 

The Tsarista took him in and honed him from a street rat to a skilled combatant. His moves became deadly, jabs more efficient and kicks turned much more lethal.

Which would go to waste in the end because somebody thought he was wife material. 

“Well, the contract is enacted today, so no point in dwelling over spilled milk,” Signora said, much to Childe’s despair, “but there is no mention of divorcement, so if you manage to make Morax tired of you…” 

“Then he will divorce me and I’ll be a free man once more,” Childe’s eyes lit up. 

She looked him up and down, “judging from your antics, I won’t doubt it. You won’t last for a week.”

“Shut up.” 

“Do it for the money, dog,” Scaramouche smirked.

“Fuck you.”

Six months passed. The deal between Liyue and Snezhnaya worked smoothly as butter. Tsarista was satisfied, their competitors were furious, everybody else was happy, nothing could be better. 

Except Childe was pretty much still married. 

Childe… was confused. 

Sure, he took pride in the fact that he remained ‘prim and proper’ for the last six months. He didn’t fight anyone or assault anyone, dutifully be a good manservant. The sex was damn enjoyable, so he added the task benefit buddies to the list. They even pulled off the ‘just married’ acts as he called his husband endearing names and Zhongli played along at those formal parties. Though, even he knew that he had messed up, like, a lot. His etiquette left much to be desired, mingling with how difficult the upper classes could be?, he was so screwed. 

 His mouth was faster than his brain and left him in many embarrassing situations, like one time he accidentally called Xiao edgelord… while the man was right behind him.

They weren’t on the speaking terms anymore. 

The strangest thing was that Zhongli remained awfully nice. Their marriage happened without any alcoholic parties or words of congratulation. Childe appeared on Zhongli’s doorstep one day, a piece of luggage on his side and Signora breathing down his neck about how he should not fuck this up until the transaction was completed. Seemed like someone’s commission was on the line here.

When Zhongli opened the door, Signora had abruptly pushed him into the other’s arms, offered them brief good luck and walked away without looking back.

Childe swore to dump her skincare products into the trash can when he returned.

“Good morning, Childe,” Zhongli smiled with his beautiful voice of his, and Childe ditched any thoughts of Signora into a metaphorical trashcan, finding his heart missed a beat.

“Oh no, my husband is hot,” Childe thought when he looked into the amber eyes.

“Good morning, my little whale,” Childe’s eyes fluttered open to the sight of his naked husband watching him sleep. 

'Did he just imply me fat?' He thought. His body, on the other hand, unconsciously leaned in to kiss Zhongli, a behavior his husband unknowingly, or knowingly, trained him whenever Zhongli used his honeyed, seductive voice of his.

“Morning, xiansheng,” Childe said. The morning air is cold, so he found himself nudging into the warmth of his husband.

“I have works today, love,” Zhongli reminded him. Childe should wake up to prepare breakfast by now, but they hadn’t spent much time together recently that Childe wanted nothing more than sleeping in with his husband.

“Mmh, just five more minutes,” he dozed off, murmuring incoherently, “husband…” A hand wrapped around him, and Childe lost his fight against sleep.

Childe woke up alone. The clock pointed ten, so it meant Zhongli was at works right now, without breakfast no less.

The lack of distraction brought Childe much needed clarity, along with a shred of embarrassment. 

He buried his face in his hands.

No, he should go before Zhongli got bored of him and dumped him, or before Zhongli’s parents caught wind of his son’s silent marriage with a boy and threw a fit.

After dinner, he tried again.

“Divorce me!” Childe said, with fierce determination. 

Zhongli looked down at his empty miso soup, like it personally offended him somehow. Then his gaze flickered up, like he sought the answer to the question he knew not and only the sky could help him.

Sadly, there was no god on their ceiling. 

“Did I forget our anniversary?” Zhongli asked carefully. “Our first kiss? First vacation? Teucer’s birthday?”

“No.”

Zhongli’s eyes lingered on the paper form. As if something clicked, his expression changed. 

“It’s been a while, isn’t it? Are you upset?”

“You called me fat!” Childe crossed his arms, and for good measures, turning around so he didn’t have to see the other’s devastating puppy eyes. He huffed. “You called me a whale.”

A silent. Zhong must have been processing the information. Then, then… his husband chuckled. Chuckled! 

Childe huffed. That was it. 

“Honey, do you want to know how much I worship your body right now?” Zhongli’s hands wrapped around his waist, like Zhongli’s body was not sculpted by the god himself. His voice revere, as his palm came in contact with Childe’s lower abdomen, “how your exposed skin fills me with the desire to mark them? How your body fits perfectly against mine? You can be fat and chubby and I’ll love you all the same. My darling, I think you need a more thorough reminder.”

The shade of tomato couldn’t compare to how vivid Childe’s face became right now. His ears burnt as heat flamed his insides, melting him because of the saccharine words.

Zhongli took his hand and pressed a kiss on his lips, and Childe was happy that Zhongli couldn’t see his stupid stupor expression from his angle, or else he would never live it down.

“But the dishes-” Childe softly protested when Zhong started to lead him into their bedroom, light-headed because of the trailing kisses on his skin.

“I’ll do it tomorrow,” Zhongli promised him with another kiss against his neck, “now where are we?”

Tomorrow sounded good, Childe’s other head agreed. And he put his divorce plan to the back of his mind.

Wait.

He sidetracked!

“I’m just a fling to him!” He cried to Aether, who looked done with life, “he keeps torturing me with this thing called chopstick and laughs at me!”

“You’re married,” Aether repeated for the hundredth time, rolling his eyes. “I swear Zhongli is such a moronsexual.”

“You take that back! He is not a moron!”

“Zhongli, Rex Lapis, Morax,” Childe shouted wholeheartedly, pointing at him with much determination, “divorce me.”

“Hello to you too, honey,” Zhongli smiled back, unfazed, “what’s for dinner?” 

“…chicken.” 

‘My wife’s idea of roleplaying is truly peculiar’, Zhongli thought as he looked at the divorce paper.

In any case, he didn't think a faux paper written by someone named Kaeya Alberich would hold up in court, but he digressed. Regretfully, the last few months had been quite a stressful time for Liyue that he didn't have time for his wife. It was no wonder that Childe wanted to spice thing up, or so his secretary claimed. Zhongli admitted he was uninformed and clueless when it came to relationships. After all, Lumine had pointed out that his idea of courting had boiled down to using a business contract as marriage proposal. But Childe was willing and even return his affection, so he supposed it worked out.

His musing was interrupted by the ringing tone of his phone. He brightened when seeing his wife's name on the screen and brought the phone near his ear.

"Morax!" Childe hissed on the other side. "Divorce! Now!"

"Do you like my gift?" His mouth curved into a gentle smile, "I bought you a stuffed narwhal, it reminded me of you."

"It costs five million mora." Childe deadpanned.

"I know." It was half the size of their bedroom, after all.

"That I have to pay for."

Oh... Since Lumine was always the one to handle his finance, mora had completely escaped his mind when he ordered the thing.

"...It seems like I forgot about mora."

Chapter Text

Putting asides the suffering of bringing one gigantic stuffed narwhal past their door and into the bedroom, Childe found himself at loss for words.

Who in their right mind paid five million mora for a giant stuffed toy?!

Childe, apparently. 

No matter how Zhongli loved to hoard those cor lapis gems as well as priceless collections of Teyvatian rare books in their bedroom, Childe’s side of the room had always been vacant, saved for a framed family picture that he put on his nightstands and one or two toys he ordered for Teucer from time to time. He didn’t have much belongings to begin with, though some of the gifts he did receive had came from Zhongli, and Childe had put them inside the drawer to secretly cherish when the man wasn't home. 

But now, his whole side of the room had dedicated to a giant marshmallow blue plushie.

Drat.

The enormous black dots of the narwhal stared at him, judging his very soul. 

He was so going to divorce his husband. 

“Morax-!” The word died on his throat the moment he opened the door to greet his husband, “who is her, xiansheng?” 

The sight of Zhongli, while still made his heart flutter as usual, brought a sense of urgency different from normal from the way Zhongli shifted ever so slightly. His posture was as ever composed, a hint of tiredness indicated by the glaze in his eyes from works had been replaced by the unusual bright-eyed look. Zhongli's needless gestures instantly put him on edge, his husband had never been the one with excess rhythmic movement unless he felt restless. 

On his right side stood a pretty girl in a white dress. Her short blond hair and slender frame made her look young despite her serious facial expression. There was something familiar about her, but Childe couldn't quite put his fingers on it. 

However, months of gaining secondhand knowledge through romance movies had taught him lots of stuff to expect when it came to relationships. A scenario about his husband showed up in their house with a beautiful stranger only meant one thing. 

Did it finally happen? Zhongli bringing home the beautiful female lead and declared her as his rightful lover and then evicted him from his house so that they could be together and Childe would try to sabotage the relationship like a wrathful villain he was and it only managed to fuel the love between those two?!

...

He probably got carried away, just a tiny bit. It wasn’t his fault that those drama movies were too bingeable since he had nothing to do nowadays.

“Love,” Zhongli smiled at him. “I suppose I haven’t introduced you two. Childe, this is Lumine, my secretary. Lumine, this is Childe, my beloved. I have told you about him.” 

“Nice to meet you, Mister Childe,” the girl bowed politely with all the grace that Childe didn't possess. Suddenly it hit him that he was still in his apron and smelled like dinner, dressing in a cheap T-Shirt and dark sweatpants. His unkempt appearance didn't help with making a passable impression by now. 

“Secretary?” Childe frowned, “I thought Ganyu was your secretary.” 

Childe distinctly remembered the beautiful blue-haired girl accompanying Zhongli everywhere before. A meticulous one, albeit weird napping habit.

While Lumine, well, he didn't know much about her. But well...

She looked flat. Not that Childe had any to start with to feel any better.

“Miss Ganyu currently works as the general secretary at the Qixing Committee,” Zhongli said pleasantly, “she believes that her expertise is more needed in the Qixing side.”

The girl stared at him intensely, as if examining his worthiness. But that was fine, Childe had gotten used to the scrutinizing looks from... pretty much everyone close to Zhongli. 

“Oh,” he winced, rubbing the back of his neck, slightly abashed, “I don’t know that we’re going to have guest over. I would have cooked more if I know.”

“It's alright,” Lumine said, “I will be on my way. Have a nice evening, sir, Mister Childe." 

“Thank you, Lumine,” Zhongli gave her a slight nod, “you have been a great help.”

Lumine bowed and walked back to her car. Seeing her retreating back, Childe couldn't help but feel like a dejected ex in that movie about the rich CEO and the smart secretary. 

"Honey, I have something to tell you," Zhongli coughed.

Childe better got that divorce paper ready then.

"So," Childe started, trying to sound casual and failed, hiding the form behind his back, "new secretary, huh?"

"She has been working for me for a few years," Zhongli told him, "she doesn't find formal parties appealing, so you haven't seen her around."

"Do you love her?" He cut to the chase.

"You are the only one I love, dear."

"I understand, you just need to sign-what-?!" The answer caught him off guard, the form slipped from his hands as something akin to a yelp left his mouth. He could feel his ears heating up. Zhongli had said it like it was the most obvious thing, like their marriage was not arranged as part of a contract, though his husband didn't seem to notice his slip-up, seemingly to have something else on his mind.

Instead of going straight to the dining table like Zhongli always did, his husband reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, rectangular box. He coughed again as he handed it over to Childe, “for you.”

Curiosity took over him, and Childe accepted the box without a second thought. With a nod of approval from his husband, Childe opened it.

The box felt light in his hands. Inside it was a pair of chopsticks, intriguingly made that even someone like him could figure out that it was a piece of exquisite craftsmanship. Childe trailed his fingers on the carved pattern, embedded by ivory. Each part had a different pattern, one of dragon and another of phoenix. For Childe, they looked pretty, but knowing Zhongli's thoughtfulness, the symbols must have stood for good omens or something as auspicious.

"Xiansheng," Childe just couldn't win. How could he be if Zhongli kept looking at him like that and gifted him things?

"Do you like it?"

Even though he hated the utensil with every bane of his existence, the gift made him all giddy as how Zhongli it was. The fact that this pair of chopsticks was meant to be ornamental and not to be used made it so much better.

Zhongli looked hopefully at him. He leaned his head towards Childe, stopping halfway as he waited for Childe's reaction.

“What am I gonna do with you?” Childe shook his head, utter exuberance in defeat over how cute his husband was. Childe launched himself into Zhongli's arms and seized for himself a kiss. Zhongli returned with equal raw tenderness, hands tugging him close despite how Childe smelled egg-like and the Tianshu meat. The paper was tossed forgotten somewhere.

Oh well, later then.

"Still, why did you go home with her?" Childe asked Zhongli later that night, when he felt merciful enough to let go of Zhongli before their dinner became cold. 

"I... forgot about mora, so I had to call her for assistance."

"You forgot about mora," Childe repeated. 

"She is my financial manager. So I have developed a poor habit of relying on her for trivial matters." Zhongli frowned, "I'm supposed I should try to improve myself on this matter."

"Mora as trivial matter?" He chuckled.

"It does cease to be on one's mind once one has enough."

Pretty sure that it was just Zhongli, but what did Childe know anyways?

“Oh, so that’s why you have never mentioned mora.” Realization dawned on him. The whale made sense now. "I have never seen you shopping for groceries at all."

“Grocery?” Zhongli froze like he remembered something. Then, he said with someone who had made a grave mistake. “Oh… It has completely slipped my mind… I should have taken care of the household expenses.”

Childe almost dismissed the issue before a brilliant idea popped up in his head and he stood up from his chair. Sauntering to Zhongli and briefly entertaining the imagery of being a fox prowling a hapless bunny, Childe lifted his husband’s chin upward. With a twinkling in his eyes that promised mischief, he murmured. "How cruel, xiansheng, forcing your housewife to shoulder all the grocery expenses."

In one swift moment, Childe wrapped his arms around Zhongli’s neck and straddling him.

“You have to pay, love.” His voice teasing as he whispered in Zhongli’s ear, “with a kiss!”

Stealing a peck on Zhongli’s cheek, Childe ended with a cheerful tone. He almost laughed when Zhongli looked wide eyes at him, “just kidding. Don't worry, xiansheng. I won't mind~”

Mora was not something that Childe would have problems with, thanks to his position in Snezhnaya. The hazard pay for serving the Tsarista was so great that he could spend the majority of them to take care of his extended family and send his siblings to university and still managed to live a modest life. Not to mention, the Fatui always saved a spot for him to come back if Childe accidentally ejected himself from his own marriage. So only till now did he realize he was the only one who paid for all the shopping.

Well, he counted them as work expenses and sent the bills to the Snezhnaya anyways, no harm done, even with the stuffed toy, especially with the five-million-mora stuffed toy. The Tsarista would understand. He guessed.

“I completely understand,” Zhongli nodded, catching Childe off guard when he finally spoke up. He looked serious. “I will rectify the situation.” 

“With kisses?” Childe asked hopefully.

His husband’s golden eyes soften, and with that, Childe preened himself on securing a cuddling session with the most handsome man of Liyue. Zhongli promised. "With kisses."

Zhongli put his hands under his knees and lifted him. In mere seconds Childe was in his arms like he weighed nothing, squirming in playful protest.

“Wait,” Childe shook his head, laughing, “not yet, I’m smelly!”

“Then we shall take a bath,” Zhongli stated, a smile resting on his lips as he carried Childe to the bathroom, “together.”

Unexpected lucky achievement unlocked.

Childe had regrets.

Not for yesterday or for all the cuddles he received, but Childe had regrets. 

Morax! His inner self shrieked in despair, why do you like this?

Because the day after, Zhongli just gave him all his mora. Like, straight up giving him a bank card out of the blue and a phone with the passcode to his digital banking account. His husband’s words were nothing but sincere as he adjusted his tie. “My bank account is all yours, love.” 

“When I said that you have to pay, it's not this way!” Childe yelped. Don’t give out your bank account just because someone asked!

Wait, maybe my husband was reasonable and cautious. Childe reassured himself. Maybe this was just a spare account with enough monthly allowance so that Childe could buy food and ingredients like a good housewife he was supposed to be.

With that in mind, he checked the phone.

What greeted him was the abnormal number of zeros, and Childe promptly closed the bank app. 

“Zhongli, xiansheng, love,” he said, because one term of address would not be enough for his overwhelming sense of exasperation.

“Yes dear?”

“Aren’t you afraid that I will spend them all?” Childe questioned, resisting the urge to slap his forehead. Must be a sign of an imminent headache.

“No?” 

“You should.”

“Why would I do that?” Zhongli gave him his confused smile. “What is mine is also yours, even my investments.”

Zhongli, please.

“What if you need to buy something?” Childe imagined the head of Liyue, standing in front of an antique store and taking a piece of historical intriguing teacup, just to put it back because Childe was in possession of his mora.

“Lumine will take care of it, she is my manager after all.” Zhongli said with ease, “she manages my spare account, so my salary will suffice for me.” He frowned. "Though she does say I have to ask for her approval if I want to purchase another gem."

Zhongli had no sense of awareness at all! He just gave out his bank card for Childe right away! What if Childe was someone who used it for bad purposes? What if Zhongli had met another person who only loved him for his mora? What if Tsarista gave Zhongli Signora instead of him? Childe was mortified.

He knew Zhongli came from old money, but this was absurd. The absurd amount of mora, and the inane implication that his clueless husband could and should maintain wealth over a marriage, let alone a generation.

“You’re so simple,” Childe shook his head, pushing the card and the phone into Zhongli's chest, “take them back.”

Although Zhongli’s hands remained stubbornly closed, his husband leaned down to kiss him. “I’ll be late for works, love. May I have Jade Parcels tonight?”

“You may not,” Childe huffed.

Zhongli chuckled.

The first time he met Childe, the boy was a lone figure standing in the aftermath of chaos. Emerged victorious in a battle that the boy no doubt stirred, Childe wiped the blood on his face with the hem of his shirt as bodies scattering on the ground around him.

A little rascal, Zhongli had thought. Childe didn't notice him, and Zhongli made sure it remained that way. At that moment, the boy was nothing more than an unknown factor that wandering too close to Liyue to his liking.

Nowadays, there was something endearing about the way Childe addressed him as Morax with a glint in his eyes, like an energetic kitten demanded attention that the sight never failed to bring a smile to his face. His wife looked lively this way.

All mine, Zhongli thought.

On the way to the supermarket to get ham and lotus seeds, Childe stopped.

"I feel like I've forgotten something..."

Then it hit Childe.

He sidetracked again!

Chapter Text

For Lumine, a secretary’s job was never finished, ranging from arranging schedules and organizing conferences for her boss to bringing him tea and stopping him from committing bankruptcy. Her workday started with a meeting and ended with another one. Informing  projects' progress to their clients at odd hours and writing questionable reports had been nothing but common occurrences at this point. But all in all, Liyue had been treating her well so far, which made Lumine consider herself lucky to work as the secretary under the head of Liyue.

She was dead certain that Liyue won jackpot with the boss lottery because Mister Zhongli had been nothing but extraordinary at his job. Possessing a plethora of names and titles, Rex Lapis was more than just a good boss, but their beacon, a guiding light for Liyue. 

His acquisition of Guili had proven to be a wise investment, as his vision led Zhongli to expand the company. Because of his hard works, Liyue was recognized as one of the most influential corporations in Teyvat. Zhongli was the most pleasant person she ever had the chance to meet, though she didn't think anyone would ever be able to take advantage of his amiable personality. Because God forbid someone to breach the contract they made with Liyue. While kind, Mister Zhongli was merciless when needed.

Though their boss had taken a step back these days, letting the Adepti and the Qixing take care of Liyue, a sign of trust that he bestowed upon them. Rather than let Liyue crumbled to dust once he stepped down, their boss wanted Liyue to prosper, for Liyue to become a running system that could work on its own.

To top it all, her boss possessed a look that, if he so wished, Mister Zhongli could easily bring a nation to its knees. 

She lost count of how many times that she had to deal with the media to quell the unwanted publicity over how hot her boss was. Her boss was the walking definition of a catchy headline - a handsome, successful, filthy rich, and knowledgeable bachelor. Dealing with the wide-eyed girls in the company who didn’t know any better and think they have a shot with her boss had been more than enough. The teasing remarks, lipsticks, bold flirting, thirsty advances, perfumes, coffee accidents, she'd seen it all. 

Alas, her boss was just… immune to any advances the ladies throw his way. He smiled and offered his handkerchief to the beautiful girl who accidentally dropped the drinks all over herself, but was otherwise oblivious to her batting eyelashes.

Poor girl.

In the end, Lumine had soon accepted the fact that her boss was nothing but a workaholic. He remained single because of his extreme talent in being dense and not for the lack of people willing. Or in Venti's words, "an old block-head".

So out of the blue, their boss being madly in love hit her (and the entire of Liyue) like a freaking meteor.

Everything began with a Starconch.

Lumine blinked at the innocent seashell that appeared in her boss' office one day.

She knew, logically, that it must have been her boss who put it on his desk. But it baffled her to see such a useless item amongst her boss' costly collectibles, some of which had been the only one of its kinds remained and worth its weight than gold, while Starconches were plenty and scattered on their seashore. Only children would pick them up.

Somehow, the seashell looked ominous.

Because her boss kept staring at it.

He kept staring as if it was the most unique item he had ever seen that made her do a double, no, triple look to ensure that this was just a regular Starconch.

Why the starry-eyed, then?

"Isn't it beautiful?" Her boss told her, absentminded. "I'm told that one can hear the longing calls of the sea when holding it close."

The calls of... midlife crisis?  She wondered.

"It is, sir," Lumine said instead. She didn't want to hurt her boss' feelings, and Starconches did look pretty nice when she stepped on them and crushed them to dust. "Do you want me to collect more of them?" 

"Ah, thank you for your kindness, Lumine, but there is no need for that," her boss smiled, as he still looked fondly at the seashell, "this Starconch is a gift from someone, that's all."

"A gift?"

Like, the last-minute gift to one of the richest men in Teyvat? The kind of gift that one only got when they walked on the beach and then remembered that they had to bring something along with them, grabbing the first thing that they saw? That kind of gift?

"A very thoughtful one, I dare say. I have never noticed the intriguing pattern this type of seashell makes, look at this lovely shade of blue, it reminds me of-ah," Zhongli coughed. To her bewilderment, a faint blunt appeared on her boss' face. "I shouldn't be rambling. Sorry, Lumine. What do you need me for?"

Lumine didn't consider herself a relationship expert, but she had an inkling in mind of what was going on when she saw the signs.

Well, not like she cared. Being a professional, she didn’t want to stick her nose into her boss’s personal affairs at all. He could date Signora, for all she knew.

Lumine nearly got a heart attack when she came back from the trip to Sumeru and heard that her boss had married one of the Harbingers.

"That woman!" She hissed. "She wouldn't!"

What happened when she was gone?! How dare she?! What did the Fatui want with Liyue this time?

Furthermore, Signora?!! In a wedding dress?!

The mental imagery that followed would haunt her in her nightmare and to her grave.

"No, no," Ganyu shook her head, reassuring her with a smile as she patted her back. "It is someone else. I've never seen Rex Lapis in such a good mood! Beautiful marriage is surely a cause for great happiness."

"I'll be the judge of that!" She clenched her teeth. Her boss' relationship would not be trifled with by the likes of Signora!

So.

She should have not been on that trip to Sumeru. What even happened when she was gone?

On Zhongli's desk now laid a framed photo of a young male with ginger hair and pale skin, laughing at the camera, the blue sea and sky bright behind him. When she first saw the picture, Lumine couldn’t imagine someone else working in the Fatui looking that carefree in the picture. Her mind provided her a smiling Signora, making her face turned a shade paler. 

Till now, Lumine got the memo by heart. His name was Childe, his family called him Ajax, he spoiled his family members rotten (yes, including his husband), his favorite hobby was ice fishing, he loved the taste of ice cream and his cooking was always filled with love and care—-yes she knew. Should she needed a vivid fifteen-minute lovely description of his boss' wonderful spouse to kill the time, Mister Zhongli would surely deliver.

She didn't have any doubt about their boss’s feeling for his spouse one bit, not once she saw the way Zhongli looked at the photo of his significant other. Her boss was the perfect sight of a completely besotted man. 

"So, how's your day?" Her twin asked when she got home one day, washing something suspiciously like blood off his clothing.

"Bad," she groused. She threw her bag and bra to the sofa and walked straight to the food. "Turn out I much rather listen to the description of ancient relics than how wonderful my boss' spouse is."

She didn't even get to meet the guy yet and she knew the guy's shoe size. Shoe size.

"You learn something new every day I guess," Aether shrugged, "I'm pretty much used to it now. Now that Tartaglia is married he gets worse."

"That idiot? Worse?" Lumine scrunched her nose. Her brother had told her about his new buddy in crime that had helped him out that one time with the Millelith. Though she had a hard time believing that the guy was as strong as his twin claimed after the stupid things Aether told her about the guy after works, like he lied to his sibling that he was a toy salesman and then had to pitch toys for some thugs when caught fighting by the boy. Tartaglia sounded like he was born without his brain.

What poor sod was unlucky enough to marry that guy?

"You'll be surprised," Aether shrugged. Lumine tsk and turned back to her plates. At least her boss married someone decent, she guessed.

Lumine had thought that her boss acting smitten just by seeing the frame of his spouse had been enough, but then the distracted gaze of Zhongli had been worse when she stepped into his office. Then she brought the tea to his desk, and felt her heart dropped once her eyes landed on the divorce paper that Zhongli had been staring. 

Not about the supposed divorcement, mind you. Saying that their boss wanting a divorce was like claiming that Venti had declared alcohol as his arch-enemy, not only that the thought was absurd, but the whole Liyue and Mondstadt would laugh at her.   

No, no.

It was that damn paper. 

What the hell her boss was doing with that mockery of the paper. She was dead certain that if she had spared one moment to glance at it, she would even find those disclaimer lines somewhere at the end.

Kaeya was a charming blogger, but a good adviser he was not. In fact, that man was such a menace to society that she wasn’t even surprised if Kaeya one day got caught dead over his love advice posts. Forgetting an anniversary? Break up. Significant other looking at another person? Break up. God forbade that poor partner to not answer the call right away— because it meant break up! "There were plenty of fish in the sea, boys and girls! Don't settle for those who aren't willing to treat you like royal!", said the blog.

“It’s just,” Kaeya had justified with a sweet smile, “it makes me happy to see lovers miserable.”

Haha, no.

If something happened with her boss’ relationship…

“Sir, where do you get that paper?” the words left her mouth in a rush, because she was so going to murder Kaeya if her boss’ marriage fell apart, and not the fun kind of murder either. 

“Oh, Lumine. Thank you for the tea. And as for the paper,”

He was dead now, mark her words. She was so going to hurt…

"Childe gave me this."

...Kaeya- Huh?

Childe, she thought, what the fuck.

For Aether, life was interesting when everybody turned to a part-time barista for their problems. 

Delivery? Ask Aether. Building weird and totally safe projects? Easy peasy. Did somebody need a good beating? Aether. Essays? Hey I know a guy. Looking for lost pets? Guess who. Need legal but questionable items? I got you fam. Love advice? Go to freaking Aether. 

You named it, Aether… probably could deliver it. Since the day he arrived at Teyvat, he had already made a reputation for himself, a whispered name amongst the few when one needed help. 

With a freaking lost pet. For example. 

It was quite an unorthodox way of making a living, but Aether got used to handling both legitimate and shady commissions. Needless to say, his life had never failed to be dull in Teyvat. So what was Aether doing at the moment? One would ask. Kicking asses? Aiding a Union? Getting chased by the police?

Nope, Aether was tending the bar. Like a normal barista would do. Even if said cafe looked less like a cafe and more like a money-laundering front with how few customers he had and how weird the customers he had. 

So when the bell rang, he didn’t even bother to grab the menu. Childe stepped in and looked at him with the unusual seriousness of somebody who once paid three million mora for incense sticks. 

“Aether,” he said gravely as he sat down, as if he was struck with a terminal illness and only had a few months left. 

“Hey Childe,” greeted Aether, because he was used to Teyvatian’s theatrics by now, courtesy of the guy in front of him.

“I have an addiction problem,” confessed the male, like Aether had suddenly become a priest without his notice.

“No you don’t.”

“I’m addicted to my husband.”

“Get out.”

“But Aether!” Childe whined, giving him puppy eyes, “you gotta help me!”

“He’s so naive that I feel guilty just by being near him! Why he doesn’t leave me?” Childe sulked, stabbing the poor lemon in his lemonade with a paper straw. “I don’t understand.” 

If he was a lesser man, Aether would ask himself the same. But alas, no matter how annoying Childe was, they were still friends. 

And he had a mouth to feed, that glutton Paimon. 

“And he gives me his bank card also. Who in their right mind would do that?!”

’Do it for the primo, Aether,’ Aether reminded himself, stopping himself from strangling his idiot of a friend, ’killing is illegal in Teyvat, Aether.’

“Do you think Zhongli loves you so little?" He said instead, raising his eyebrow. "that his love is not sincere?"

“Well no, but you know what he said,” Childe made an air quotes with his fingers as he mimicked the man's low voice, “every journey has its final days, don’t rush, and everything.”

“Because that time you swallowed five scoops of ice cream down your throat and got a brain freeze.” Aether was pretty sure that was Zhongli’s eloquent way of saying ’Childe, stop doing that shit’.

“Exactly! What if he gets bored of me?”

“Do you get bored of him?”

“No... But he’s so trusting! I kidnapped him the first time we met!”

“That you did,” agreed Aether.

“And he still agrees to marry me!”

“More like reversed kidnapping,” added Aether. 

“You’re not helping.”

“That I do.”

“Aether!”

“Fine,” Aether sighed, because he was the nicest there was and he had long since stopped questioning Teyvatian’s line of reasoning. "So you want to break up because you have to cure this..addiction."

"Yeah!"

"Then leave?"

"I don't want him to get hurt," Childe gestured helplessly. "Like, a nice happy divorce? No hard feeling and everything?"

“You just have to be clear,” Aether said. He understood Kaeya more now. What he wouldn’t give now for mushy couple to suffer. “How hard will it be? Just call him and demand a divorce. That’s all.” 

“I did! Honest!” Childe protested.

“Do it again. They say third times is a charm.” Aether sighed. Not like he knew how many times Childe actually asked Zhongli. Knowing those two, probably none.

"Right now?"

"If it helps, sure." He nodded.

Looking conflicted, yet Childe still heed his words. He took out his phone, and Aether could see his confidence grew as he pressed the call button and raised the phone to his ear. 

"Look at this," Childe told him, looking resolute.

Aether gave him a thumb up. Soon, Childe's eyes perked up, and there was Zhongli's voice on the other side.

“Morax!” Whatever confidence Childe had mustered up seemed to waver a bit, but Childe was nothing but a determined air-head. With absolutely zero hesitancy, he blurted out. "Kiss me!”

Time stopped. His brain must have caught up with his mouth, just in time for Aether to drop his jaw in silent shock.

...

“No! I mean- It- Don’t you dare laugh! Stop it!” Childe yelped. The guy even had the audacity to look betrayed, blushing a deep red with indignant shame. Wisely, Childe avoided meeting his eyes.

Good. Aether was sure that his scowl had twisted into disgust by now.

“Forget that I said anything!” Not waiting to hear any replies, Childe ended the call with a panicked jab. 

Aether stared. He stared and stared as Childe sunk lower and lower into his chair in eternal shame.

Yes. Shame on you. Shame on your narwhal.

"Don't you dare," muttered Childe, burying his face in his hands.

"I'm not saying anything."

Childe looked like he wished for the ground to swallow him whole. He whined. “You see what I meant?”

Aether reminded himself once more that killing a friend, no matter how justified, was illegal in Teyvat and Lumine would be sad.

Divorce my ass, he thought. He didn't even get paid to put up with this.

Chapter Text

“I have a brilliant idea, comrade!” Childe declared. Just finished having fun with those ruin guards, the euphoria of fighting left him in a good mood, which meant business! 
 
A light bulb went off in his head when Childe headed to the Cat’s Tail cafe to meet Aether.
 
What if…
 
“Don’t.”
 
“Hey! You haven’t listened to it yet!”
 
“…Fine, go on.”
 
“I’ll make Zhongli hate me.”
 
“Oh Archon.”
 
“He’ll be annoyed and he will want me out of his hair and it will be perfect and I don’t have to waste papers to print that stupid form anymore.“
 
“Please don’t.”
 
“And you’ll help me, comrade!”
 
“Please not.”
 
“Aether!” 
 
“Childe,” Aether sighed, “enough of this, you know that-“ Childe daunted the familiar pouch in front of him, “-I completely agree with you. Addiction is bad.” Any desire to persuade Childe disappeared the moment the blond heard the clanking sound of mora. “As a friend, I’ll make sure to help you treat this habit.” He paid no mind to Childe’s victorious smugness at his blatant change of stance. Yes, divorce, Aether was all for heartbreak, his eyes had been opened by mo- the words Kaeya preached. Mushy couples must break up.
 
Childe winked at him. 
 
Mora made Teyvat go round. Aether knew he chose his friend well as he pocketed the generous amount of money. Not for the IQ, but not everyone was perfect.
 
Would he help Childe? Absolutely. Would Childe’s shenanigan, whatever that was, work? No, and this was speaking from previous experience. He didn’t forget what happened when he arrived in Teyvat and ran into those two, of all people. Aether would be thankful for their help to narrowly avoid jail if they were not the one who nearly put him in it in the first place.
 
Well then, whatever happened, happened. Aether had more faith in Zhongli than in this idiot of a friend. Hopefully, Zhongli would put an end to this fatuity of this fatui.
 
“I will be on your side as long as you provide me adequate fund,” Aether swore solemnly. 
 
“That’s more like it. Let’s put our head into it, comrade!”

 
Now that they were working together and not, you know, Childe did questionable things and Aether watched and silently judged in the sideways, Aether should be the one to steer the wheel. 
 
By pulling out his phone and introducing Childe to this blog of a friend of his. 
 
“Oh, I know this blog,” Childe made a sound of recognition when the title Amor Pavo Ocellus came up, “it has a pretty cool recommendation list of drama movies.”
 
Movies? Aether pondered, but the ones Kaeya enjoyed had always been those… oh.
 
“Did you watch all the movies on that list?” The blond asked warily. 
 
“Yeah, I like the one with the psychic heroine," Childe beamed, "lots of fighting!" 

 “Is that the one that everybody dies except the male lead?”
 
“Yeah…”
 
While the movies Kaeya hand-picked had always been great, Aether was certain none of them had a happy ending, unless one considered meeting each other in the afterlife happy. Usually, those movies were packed with betrayals, separations, and suffering. 
 
“Please don’t tell me you’ve been using these movies as references,” Aether said, as in, love was not that hopeless and life was not that bad. 
 
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone,” Childe assured him. 
 
It was not the point, but what was the point anyway? Aether had no idea. So he just turned his attention back to his phone and scrolled down the endless posts till he found the one he needed.

 
Fear not, it all happens at some points. No matter how much you love someone, there will be one day you wake up, colder and wiser, and realize the person next to you is not 'the one'. Such a shame that not every love is supposed to be long-lasting (so don't get questionable tattoo ladies!). But on the other hand, you know what they said, plenty of fish in the sea, there is nothing wrong with putting your foot down and saying that enough is enough. 
 
Let me set your mind at freeze, and provide you with some warning signs that your partner might not be your significant other. Come on, let's get moving!
 

 
“Morax! Divorce me-!” Childe paused his melodrama when Zhongli eyed him.
 
Pretty.
 
Intensely.
 
He finished meekly, “please?”
 
“Love,” Zhongli started, seemingly unsure how to voice his concern. He frowned in pure puzzlement instead. “Your outfit...”
 
“Oh, do you like it?” Childe did a quick twirl as he showed off his newest choice of clothing. 
 
A fox costume.
 
Of course, this was a part of his foolproof plan.

Guide to discern wine from grape juice, by your lovely Knight.
 
1.   They are weird. 
Frost and foremost, people change, for better or for worse, but usually worse. Most people have a good reason for it, but if they give off "weird" vibes, or make you uncomfortable, you should break it off right away. Better safe and sorry! 
 
“So, I should show off my weird side to deter him right?” Childe summed it up, clapping his hands. Weirdness was his expertise after all. “I’m all in for that, should I start a fight? I know, like with those guys in Treasure Hoarders gang!" Then he withered, "but they show up so late and I need to go home in the afternoon to prepare dinner for Zhongli though…” 
 
Aether had his unreadable expression on, hesitated for a moment, as he asked, “do you know... furry?”
 
“Should I?” Childe asked back, curiosity evident in his face.
 
“It’s like an interest in anthropomorphic animals, as in, like, human dressing like animals,” Aether shrugged. “I hear people get squeamish about it, maybe Zhongli will be, too.” 
 
“So I pretend I am, what, like dressing up?” Childe asked, excited, though a bit skeptical. "Like a cat? Dog? Bunny?"

Aether thought of Childe and bunny. An image of the Playboy magazine appeared in his head. The blond gagged. 

"Comrade?" 

"No bunny," Aether firmly ground out. 

"Sure?" Childe blinked. 

They opened a new tab and started shopping, and the rest, was pretty evident. 
 

“I like it, I think it suits me.” Childe carried himself haughtily with all the grace of a fox costume wearer.
 
Zhongli pulled him into a tight embrace.
 
Childe froze.

"Thank you," his husband seemed... satisfied. 

"...?" 

Was it... was this... Did... 

“I like your nightwear, it looks cute on you,” Zhongli complimented him with his usual sincerity, patting the top of his head, where the fake ears rested.
 
Childe did not blush. He did not fluster. He carried himself with all the grace of a fox costume wearer. 
 
Zhongli smiled, oblivious as he walked past him to have dinner. 
 
“Aether?” Childe pulled out his phone and texted, “I think Zhongli is a furry.”
 
Aether didn’t reply.
 

Today was a rather tiring day. 

There were meetings to be held and reports to be read, and Zhongli, like always, needed to make everything would abode to the contracts. 

His job didn’t end when the clock ticked to five, but unlike his past self who would continue to stay till midnight, Zhongli dutifully stood up and went back to his home, bringing with him his work. 

Home. Childe. They were quite synonymous. 

Zhongli wanted nothing more than to bury his head into his wife’s shoulder to recharge himself. 

However, he did not prepare for the sight of his wife in his new attire. 

It was a one-piece nightclothes. The jumpsuit was made to resemble a fox loosely, from its orange color to the cute hood which had a pair of fluffy ears and two black lines as eyes. 

His lover looked, without a single doubt, adorable, that Zhongli wanted to hug him.
 
So hug he did.
 
“Thank you,” he told Childe when his inner energy replenished. Not forget to mention how lovely his new pajama looked on him. Childe seemed rather fond of it. 

Something weird, huh?
 
Childe mused over at the words before going to bed. People did regard him as weird, so… Actually, there was something he always wanted to do for some time, only to quell it down because it might come off as too much. Now was as good a time as any, right? 

He took another look at Zhongli. His husband was sitting on the bed right now, reading a piece of report. Zhongli apparently wouldn't go to sleep any time soon. 

He looked regal at times like this, with his long hair down and leaning on the headboard in his silk black robe, lost in deep concentration. His husband created an alluring scene. 

Meanwhile, Childe, standing here, still wore the fox costume, like a clown. 

The difference was astounding. 

But that was fine. Because what happened next would be more painful.

Childe despaired at the prospect.  

"Zhongli?" 

"Yes dear?" His husband replied without glancing up.

On second thought, now would be the time to call it a day. Yes. 

"Nevermind." 

"Dear?" Zhongli inquired.

No. 

He would be so ashamed about it. 

“Can you… can you-“ he stammered. 
 
It was embarrassing, missing his husband’s tender touches despite having so much of them. Zhongli had the most beautiful hair he had ever seen, so he was always captivated when his husband brushed his hair and then tied it into a ponytail in the morning.
 
He wanted… he wanted Zhongli to play with his hair.
 
Childe combusted at such thoughts. No, he didn’t want to say it. Zhongli would laugh. 
 
“Is something on your mind?” Zhongli asked, lowering the reports to look at him. Worry laced his voice.  
 
Would it be alright? Wouldn’t this be too much? It was not too weird, was it?
 
“Can you... pat my head?” Childe squeezed his eyes shut, red-faced, like he just admitted to his darkest fantasy, “I like when you stroke my hair.”
 
Oh no. 

He sounded ridiculous like Pierro. He was being so sappy. He really should have bullied some thugs and shown up home bathed in blood instead of this. He sounded so childish. 

He should sleep outside on the sofa to reflect, because he didn't think he would be able to look straight into his husband's eyes after the words left his mouth. 

Childe’s heart made a thumping sound as Zhongli smiled at him, patting his lap as a sign of invitation, and in one moment Childe jumped to the spot and happily rested his head on his husband’s lap. 

His eyelashes fluttered when Zhongli ran his fingers through his messy hair. He was feeling warm, and happy, and he might or might not purr. 
 
Childe fell asleep to the melting sensation, hugging his husband’s calf as a pillow. 
 

Fortunately, from his angle, Childe’s view was obscured by the documents, or else his love would catch his flustered face. Zhongli had never been this inappropriate, quelling his gnawing need to marry Childe all over again. Childe would look lovely in a red veil. But then he would need to invite his parents for the tea ceremony, and that was another bridge to cross. 
Childe would still look lovely in red. 
 
Zhongli really loved Childe. 
 
He thought, that he would love Childe till the end of time itself.
 
Zhongli had always been on the traditional side. His love wasn’t instant like a spark of fire. It didn’t ignite into a fierce passion then turn into ashes just as quick. He had been steady, perhaps slow at times, but like mountains, he was hard to sway. 
 

He had debated buying those cute pillows for Childe but had forgone it when he realized that he would have to share his hugs with a non-sentient object. So he had settled for a big Narwhal that Childe couldn’t bring into bed. It was a nice decision.
 
And his engagement gift, also. He was supposed to gift the one he had bought to Childe when his love first moved in. But he wanted the chopsticks to be special, one of a kind, so he had commissioned a new one. Dragon and Phoenix, two of the most powerful celestial creatures, when came together, became the symbol of an eternal bond and held the promise for everlasting matrimonial bliss. It had taken six months, but seeing his wife’s reaction upon receiving it, he couldn’t be a more happy man.
 
Perhaps Xiao would roll his eyes if he heard Zhongli abusing metaphors again, but Zhongli felt like drowning in the vast ocean of pure affection when he was with Childe. 

Zhongli took in the sight of his lover dozing peacefully in his lap, and wanted to savor it all. 
 
Maybe rocks would crumble to dust, maybe the ocean would move. 
 
But not now, not this moment.

Not for them.  

“Ahhhhh, I want a lover,” Lumine groaned, smothering herself in the pillow in dejection. Life was hard when you had to watch your boss smiling like a fool as he praised his spouse’s food and Childe’s aesthetic arrangements of his bento and failed your gacha attempts just to receive the weapon you didn’t need or particularly care about. 
She wanted one. She wanted a cool ikemen! 

“Get me a lover,” she demanded her twin via a message. Despite being in the same apartment and Aether’s bedroom was just two steps away from hers, they were too lazy to do anything but communicate via cellphones. Well, unless a power outage occurred or one of them was bored of their minds, then Aether would go to her room to make fun of her fictional husbandos’ posters and she would sic Paimon on his lunches and use his card to fuel her gacha desire. 
 
She wanted a lover. Lover! 
 
“Bro, do something!” 
 
“Lumine, my dear sister,” Aether wrote back surprisingly long. 
 
“I will get you the heaven and the stars.
The sun and the moon. 
But this is a lost cause you dope.” 
 
Lumine replied with the meme of a panda holding up a middle finger. 

Chapter Text

Everything started in one peaceful weekend.

"Oh, you redecorate," Noelle said when she stepped foot into their bedroom, "it really suits you!" 

"Wait Noelle, let me help with that," he said, coming out of the kitchen to help. That giant narwhal was too heavy for a college student to move by herself. Childe went into the bedroom, all ready to help and assist. 

Just to witness the sight of their part-time maid lifted up the giant narwhal with one hand to vacuum the floor.

"Just leave it to me," Noelle beamed at him, "it's very light." 

No it not. Childe had to squeeze that marshmallow with two limbs and lots of determination.

"Am I weak?" Childe muttered to himself in horror.

"Master Childe, you seem tired, would you like some tea?"

"Does the peaceful life weaken my strength so much that I can't even defeat a stuffed toy?" 

"...I'll brew you some tea."

“I can’t do this,” Childe said to Zhongli, “I can be with you no longer.” He was very serious.

“I’m sure you will use chopsticks well someday.”

“I don’t belong here!”

“And where do you belong, if not in my arms.”

“In the wilderness! With battles!… yours.” Childe added the last part with a not whimper when Zhongli regarded him with that look. Zhongli said nothing, so Childe marched on with passionate monologue he took from the soap opera, "I need to be stronger, to face hardship, to weather the upcoming storm that life may give me, so I need to practice, to fight, to spar, to find a worthy opponent."

Aether had once said to him a helpful advice, you could not raise level your gears and levels when you spent all your time on creating furniture, or something. That might not even an advice, but Childe got the point. The point was, he was weaker than a college girl and he should get back to work.

“If you desire, I will spar with you,” Zhongli sipped his tea and nonchalantly replied. Nonetheless, Childe choked on rice when he heard the offer.

"Hahaha, you?! Are you sure?!"

Sure that Zhongli’s chiseled body was fit and sturdy. The muscular frame spoke hints of training and being taken care of. It had taken him off guard the first time Zhongli took off his clothes, but soon after Childe had grown to accept the fact Zhongli’s attire was as deceiving as his personality.

But Zhongli didn’t fight at all. 

Childe was dead certain. The man had no reasons to get into fights. Those muscles were just for looks.

Hell. Zhongli hired Childe as his bodyguard, of course Zhongli didn’t know how to fight.

"If you want an opponent, I will make it worthwhile."

“But you're my husband." Would that count as domestic abuse?

“Husband, opponent, rival” Zhongli said, “if that is you, I’m willing, no matter what role you play.”

“Sounds interesting,” Childe laughed, "if you win, I'll give you anything you want!"

While Zhongli couldn’t win, he would be motivated to put up a good fight. Maybe he could get him to do that pin technique? Like in the romance movie? Just the image of Zhongli clumsily tried to trap him to the ground already made him want to melt from the sheer cuteness.

“And if I win, you'll give me anything I want!” Childe said.

"But dearest, I always give you anything you want," Zhongli tilted his head in confusion.

"Like, a divorce signature?"

“I will try my best not to lose then,” Zhongli said. His eyebrows scrunched together in focus.

Aww. Zhongli was so cute.

Zhongli was…

So cute…?

Zhongli was…

Too strong!!!

Childe could not utter a word, flabbergasted as he looked up as Zhongli. The other looked down as him, barely broke a sweat. The entire fight had taken less than a minute. It should make him embarrass, but honestly, Childe's entire thought process was just, what the fuck and how the fuck.

He lay, docile like a hapless deer, as Zhongli knelt down to help him His mind ran the fight sequence over. Zhongli nullified his defense by breaking their stance with just his palm, his striking too powerful and quick to evade. He moved in smooth zig-zag motion, exerting power and stability while pressing him into difficult angle. So even though Zhongli's range was short, he still caused Childe to back down to reposition and try to counter the attack. 

"Wait wait wait," Childe said, coughed, then coughed, then said again, "time out time out."

"Are you injured? Did I go overboard?"

"Can we do it again?"

“How the hell is he so strong?!” He blurted out over the phone.

“He is Morax,” Signora replied in her elegant way, “did you two get into a fight? Do I need the Fatui to send a hitman?”

“I asked him to.”

“Of course you did,” Signora massaged her temple.

“It’s a couple sparring,” Childe raised his voice unnecessary loud this time, “we have a lovely time, while you’re being lonely and miserable and spouse-less.”

“You little shit.” 

She had never regretted her past actions, but if anyone asked her why she was a bitter lady, she would promptly blame it to her spiteful coworkers.

Those bastards. Lot of them.

“Then don’t ever mention hurting him,” Childe said.

“Who knows,” Signora smirked. The nerve of this brat. “Only us seniors can bully your dumb ass.”

“Just you wait. But enough of that, he certainly knows how to fight!” Childe was bewildered. He didn’t even on Zhongli’s level. 

“He is Morax,” Signora rolled her eyes. Asides from Childe, she didn’t think anyone would ever consider someone like Morax naive or trusting. Morax was a man of contracts, who scrutinized every lines and fine prints and never let himself be vulnerable. 

“Yes! He is Zhongli!”

But honestly, the fact Childe was also oblivious about Morax used to be Tevat’s strongest martial artist was something that spoke profound about how small her junior coworker’s brain was. It had taken six months of living together for Childe to know that Zhongli was stronger than him, then she probably would finish her lifelong goal before Childe actually sat down and looked up Morax’s records. 

“Are you blind? Have you even seen him naked?” She asked, just to make sure, make really, really sure. Because Lung Ying practitioner must have tough body, right? Surely Childe must recognize a body of a well-trained martial artist, right?

Right?

“I thought those muscles were for touching, .” Childe groaned in embarrassment, “male leads often have nice pecs, and they are actors!"

“Are you, or are you not capable of using your head for rational thoughts,” a distinct high tone of disbelief asked him. “Do you not use your upper head at all when he shows skin?”

Childe froze.

“You don’t,” Signora said wryly. “I hate you.”

“Hey!”

Good to be ignorant, Signora thought.