Chapter Text
Footage of a Jaeger and Kaiju fighting, dramatic music rising as the Jaeger punches the Kaiju out in a single hit, smash cut to the logo
NARRATOR
Welcome… to KaijuBusters
A series of animated clips begin to play, behind them we hear
HERMANN
(offscreen, slightly muffled)
This is a ridiculous title and an even more ridiculous premise
NEWT
(offscreen, also slightly muffled, very excited)
Shut up, Hermann, or they won’t let us do the fun propaganda, I mean, fun educational show. Learning! Woohoo! Yeah!
HERMANN
You are a ridiculous little man and I hope you have an embarrassing and very preventable accident on-camera
NEWT
(laughing)
NARRATOR
Dr. Newton Geiszler, famed xenobiologist, and Dr Hermann Gottlieb, brilliant mathematician. Between them, over thirty years of Kaiju Jaeger experience
Animation shows of both Newt and Hermann, doing their various sciencey stuff, including a long cut of an animated Newt with his shirt off, showing his tattoos. It should be noted that while they have correctly animated Newt’s rather impressive arm and back muscles, they have also given him a six-pack he most definitely does not actually have.
Offscreen as this plays
HERMANN
I still don't see why your name comes first
NEWT
I think it’s just alphabetical order
HERMANN
(skeptical)
What, G and G?
NEWT
(snickering)
No, our first names. Y’know, because in the alphabet N goes before H?
A beat and then
HERMANN
I hope a Kaiju eats you
Cut to the lab, looking more organized than it has ever been, and Newt and Hermann standing on either side.
NEWT
(enthused)
Hello everyone, and welcome.. to KaijuBusters! The idea is mostly the same as the original-
HERMANN
(decidedly less enthused)
-with a few modifications for health and safety reasons. For example, with our first myth, we will not actually be creating realistic..
(pauses and looks around)
Kaiju sex pollen? Who on earth decided this would be a good idea?
NEWT
It got voted on! Come on, Hermann, don’t you want to make some nice propaganda for the PPDC? Get us some more funding?
HERMANN
No.
NEWT
(soothingly)
Funding. Money. Money, Hermann.
HERMANN
Counterpoint. Propaganda.
NEWT
Counterpoint, you’re a funsucking joyless fiend and the name is plural, so please?
HERMANN
Fine.
NEWT
Thank you. Now. Sex pollen! Except, not really. That’s not a thing. Sorry.
HERMANN
And thank gd that it isn’t.
NEWT
I mean, I could go into all the different theories of Kaiju reproduction, but they probably don’t even have sex, and I haven’t yet been able to find evidence of recognizable Kaiju reproductive organs
HERMANN
(not quite under his breath)
Not for lack of trying, though
NEWT
(turns to glare at Hermann)
Okay, shut up, we’ve been over this, you jackass, I don’t actually want to-
HERMANN
(overlapping)
Oh, for- we are not having this argument while being filmed, Newton, I swear to-
Both pause and turn to the cameras, appearing embarrassed
NEWT
Uh. You guys are going to cut this stuff out, right? Make us look cool? Please make me look cool.
HERMANN
(incomprehensible, derogatory)
The camera cuts and returns to the same scene. Hermann is now sitting down and glaring at the camera
NEWT
Okay! Take two! I’m Newt Geiszler, and this is my esteemed colleague Hermann Gottlieb, and together, we’re-
(together)
KaijuBusters!
HERMANN
The first myth we will be discussing today focuses on the reproductive capabilities of the Kaiju, and
HERMANN
(accusingly)
Thanks to viewers like you, whether or not Kaiju are able to create…
NEWT
(cheerful)
Sex pollen!
HERMANN
(resigned)
Sex pollen. We begin with my colleague discussing the Kaiju reproductive system, as that is the subject he is quite possibly most knowledgeable in.
NEWT
(frowning as he tries to work out whether or not that's an insult)
Right. See, the thing is, I don’t think Kaiju actually do. Reproduce, that is.
HERMANN
Here he goes
NEWT
Their cellular structure is weird , to start with, closer to what we’d see from asexual organisms, except, obviously, they’re not all identical. Well. That last part is debatable actually, because-
HERMANN
(cutting him off)
Please do not actually air this crackpot theory of his on television, it is humiliating enough for him, let alone myself who is forced to associate with him.
NEWT
Yeah, he says that, but I saw that new lab requisition form in the trash, he chooses to be here, with me.
HERMANN
(sharply)
It was my first draft, that’s all.
NEWT
From six months ago? Bullshit, I don’t see why you don’t-
HERMANN
What, want to be here with you? Like anyone would -
NEWT
(yelling)
Transfer then! Some other Shatterdome, or hell, the goddamn Wall, I’m sure daddy dearest would love to have you!
HERMANN
(yelling)
The Wall is more ridiculous propaganda than this is, and this lab is mine as much as it is yours, so-
CAMERA ONE
Uh, should we keep filming?
CAMERA TWO
Are you serious? There’s videos on YouTube with thousands of views with them just screaming at each other
CAMERA ONE
Oh yeah, I saw the Buzzfeed article
HERMANN
-not participating in your Kaiju worshiping farce-
CAMERA THREE
And this is clean footage, not someone’s shaky cellphone
CAMERA ONE
So if the show doesn’t work, we just sell the raw footage? Isn’t that a little, I don't know, exploitative?
NEWT
-have I mentioned kissing you is like licking a chalkboard?
CAMERA TWO
Huh.
CAMERA THREE
Nice.
HERMANN
-rather be having sex with a Kaiju-
CAMERA ONE
It’s like the thing they say about watching a car crash
NEWT
-bring that up enough I think you want to-
CAMERA THREE
They signed the contracts so technically, we can do whatever with the footage
CAMERA TWO
Exactly. That said…
CAMERA ONE
On it
CAMERA ONE
(whistles loudly, cutting through the arguing)
NEWT
Oh.
HERMANN
Bleeding Christ.
CAMERA ONE
Take three?
HERMANN
...no more sex pollen
NEWT
Agreed.
HERMANN
Thank you.
The camera once again pans to Newt and Hermann on opposite sides of the same lab
NEWT
Blah blah, welcome to KaijuBusters! Today’s myth is-
HERMANN
Whether or not parts of the Kaiju can be used for medicinal properties.
NEWT
To start off, none of them have, uh, aphrodisiac uses, trust me, we’ve checked- ah, hell.
HERMANN
(amused)
Care to rephrase that?
NEWT
Yeah, yeah, fuck you, by the way, Hermann, um, Kaiju can’t make you horny, or more fertile, or any of that, actually, you’re probably going to get the opposite, this has been confirmed by multiple, uh, independent operators.
HERMANN
Black market dealers, he means
NEWT
Not just , there’s also some people doing independent research, and then reconfirmed by other scientists, who aren’t us, before anyone starts making commentary .
HERMANN
(muttering)
The man protests too much, methinks
NEWT
(triumphant)
Ha! If you’re gonna quote Shakespeare at me, I get to use quotes from the X-Files again!
HERMANN
It was one quote
NEWT
Still counts
HERMANN
(haughtily)
Certainly says a lot about you that you consider the two medias on equal levels
NEWT
Yeah? Well, when I resurrect Shakespeare, then you’ll see
CAMERA TWO
When?
CAMERA THREE
Quiet! I want to hear this
HERMANN
Can we please get back to the Kaiju?
NEWT
Always. The machine I invented made it possible to separate and extract chemicals from Kaiju, but not neutralize them yet. Which is still really cool, and it has a really cool name, right, Hermann?
HERMANN
(murderous)
No.
NEWT
(gleeful)
It’s been cited in four scientific papers now
HERMANN
And I offer my sincerest apologies to those authors
NEWT
Say it.
HERMANN
You invented it, you say it.
CAMERA ONE
Wait, hold on, I gotta look something up
NEWT
Say it
CAMERA ONE
Okay yeah this is funny
HERMANN
You invented the blasted thing!
NEWT
And as the inventor, I graciously pass its introduction to you
HERMANN
(quickly)
Oh, for gd’s sake. My esteemed colleague, and his- his Milking Machine are not yet able to nullify the chemicals, but if is able to, that doesn’t mean they’ll be healthful. We are discussing alien organisms here, alien biology, and there is no indication any of it is anything but hostile to humans.
NEWT
Oh, I’m sorry, Hermann
HERMANN
(suspicious)
About what?
NEWT
I didn’t catch the name, so if you could just say it again-
HERMANN
(kicking him)
Therefore, the PPDC would highly recommend civilians stay far away from any Kaiju or Kaiju by-products. It’s simply too much of a risk.
NEWT
Right, I mean, these things are,
HERMANN
Debatably
NEWT
At least, genetically designed to be hazardous to humans. Debatably.
CAMERA THREE
Was that freaky to anyone but me?
CAMERA ONE
No, that was weird
NEWT
You don’t have to say debatably every time
HERMANN
You don’t have to say highly experimental theories as though they’re scientific fact, but here we are
NEWT
(getting up)
Whatever. I’m gonna go neutralize some Kaiju Blue for the camera. Wanna join me?
HERMANN
(joining him)
No