Work Text:
Baji was not one to cry often even as a kid.
He didn’t like funerals either. Hell, he loathed them. He would have to wear a suit that felt suffocating and tie his hair, styling his bangs away from his face. The first funeral he went was probably a distant relative and the only thing he remembered from it was how uncomfortable it was.
His family wasn’t the richest so he detested that the dead had always been buried with useful resources. They were given food, clothes, jewellery, money, gifts; but they were dead, gone. They have no appreciation for them.
But most of it all, he hated seeing the face of Kazutora inside the coffin.
But if it was Kazutora, he couldn’t dare to hate anything about it.
The funeral didn’t have many people, only those Kazutora probably knew who came to pay their respects. Not all members of Toman came either, which was understandable. The founding members, Chifuyu, Takemichi and division captains were the one who came. Through the funeral service, there were none who cried. Only silent anguish. It wouldn't be surprising if Baji was the only one who felt terrible.
The people there took turns talking to Kazutora before he would be really gone. Mikey was the first one to go and he talked for some time. Baji tried to hear what he said but after a while it just became a drone. After that was Draken. Then the people blurred, sometimes stopping to talk, sometimes just to out a flower in the casket. Next thing Baji knew it was his turn. Familiar faces were ignored as he stilled before the coffin.
Dressed in a white satin-like attire, Kazutora only looked like he was peacefully sleeping. But Baji knew that he wasn’t. He still could feel the wetness of the blood slipping through his fingers, staining it bright red. Unlike the Kazutora he talked with, the one before him wasn’t breathing. His skin was cold and waxy with no sign of warmth. The arms that were used to punch the enemies' faces were arranged across his chest like a prayer. The legs that used to run and jump were buried under yellow flowers.
It smelt sickly sweet. It could've been daffodils, though he didn't really cared. And Kazutora’s face was unmoving, no matter how much Baji prayed that it was only a joke.
His lips quivered.
Kazutora looked relieved, a small smile on his lips.
“Idiot,” Baji whispered.
For the first time in the funeral, he wanted to cry. But still he held his head high.
He had to stay strong for Kazutora.
It felt like it was only yesterday everything was okay. Even after getting an invitation to Kazutora’s funeral, even after seeing Kazutora’s lifeless body, Baji still couldn’t believe the other was really gone. It was so sudden. It was all too sudden. It happened so fast he couldn’t accept it.
Baji staggered and had to walk away from the casket. He dug his fingernails into his palm, enough to nearly draw blood, almost numbing.
That wasn't fair.
Kazutora died and yet here Baji was, feeling light on his feet, ready to fall anytime.
Maybe, he felt a little angry at this.
“Keisuke Baji.”
Baji blinked once, to snap himself out of his trance. He turned to see Kazutora’s mother. Her face was tired and pale, her shoulders sagging as if there was an invisible weight. The black dress she was wearing seemed to make her look even more ghostly. She reminded Baji of his own mother who sometimes overworked herself. She reluctantly bowed.
“I remember you," she started. "Kazutora would talk about a friend for hours, looking happier than I ever saw him,” she said. She offered a sardonic smile. “It doesn’t feel real, doesn’t it? Kazutora… he was still young.”
Baji nodded slowly. He doesn’t know what to say. The only memories he had of Kazutora’s mother was from the stories Kazutora have told, who said that he would never forgive her.
Baji himself probably couldn't either for giving Kazutora a life he didn't deserve.
“Thank you for coming," she said nevertheless, for who knows how many times already. "I don't know what actually happened but I think… I think you would want to have this.”
She offered Baji a wad of white cloth. He was naturally dumbfounded and for a moment, he forgot about the funeral as he took it. Baji could tell there was something wrapped in it, not too light nor too heavy.
“I’m sorry but I’ll be leaving first to rest,” Kazutora’s mother said, bowing again, before she left.
Baji swallowed and gingerly touched the cloth. Little by little, he unwrapped it. When he finally did, a small ring sounded and he nearly cried when he saw what it was.
Kazutora’s earring.
Baji whirled around just as Kazutora’s mother was by the entrance.
“Wait!” he exclaimed.
She stopped and turned. Everyone looked at Baji.
He clenched his fist and let go, exhaling from his nose.
I’m not someone who’s good with words. I always had trouble with it. I can’t use flattery nor be as charismatic as Mikey who knows what to say at a spur of the moment.
I can’t listen to others or give advice like Draken.
I can’t be as good as Mitsuya when it comes to comforting.
I’m not like Chifuyu who acts cold but is compassionate and easily treats people kindly.
Takemitchy is a dumbass but even he knew how to say the right thing.
Baji walked towards Kazutora’s mother. He stopped before kneeling on the ground. “I… adored Kazutora a lot,” he said. He bowed until his head was touching the tatami mat.
“I am very sorry.”
That’s why I show my feelings through actions.
“I couldn’t save him.”
Silence.
“Is that so?” Kazutora’s mother spoke up. Baji could only guess how she was feeling about his confession. He stayed where he was with his head down, as if asking for forgiveness.
“...I see you’ve taken a liking to him,” she mused almost to herself. A pause. “But you know, even though I don't understand my son I can still see that he was happier. I think this may be the happiest I saw him as so I’m glad you were his friend despite all this.”
Baji gripped the earring and cloth tighter.
“I’m sure he’s resting well. He adored you as well, you know?” she smiled.
“Thank you,” Baji choked out, feeling his throat burn with every word. “I just wished I could’ve said it earlier.”
After Kazutora’s mother left, Baji still stayed on the floor. He didn’t have the energy to stand up; everything was spinning below him. Something in his chest felt so, so heavy and yet emptier than before. The Toman members who was there kept quiet; out of respect or not knowing how to react, no one knows for sure.
On the corner Takemichi opened his mouth but Chifuyu stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Takemichi looked back to see him shake his head.
Baji took a deep, shaky breath.
“I know this might be weird but… could I cry now?” he asked.
“Of course,” Mikey nodded.
And that was when the tears fell down. It was probably the hardest Baji has ever cried.