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He comes home and finds her on the couch. An improvement from the day before when she spent the day in bed, but only just. She looks too tiny in his Richmond jumper, and she’s curled up like adorable fluffy hedgehog, her hair making waves down her back, and her fluffy pink cushion being held in her arms like it’s holding her upright.
Roy knows there’s something wrong. He knew it when she told him to call in sick for her again, that she “didn’t feel good”. He knew it when she didn’t answer his texts. He knew it when Rebecca hadn’t heard from her either. And he knows it now because she’s so quiet. His Keeley, the closest thing he could think of to a human sparkler, is quiet.
He goes to her, sit next to her on the couch. Puts his hand on her knee and feels her flinch ever so slightly under his fingers.
“We need to talk” It comes out in a whisper, and he would sworn he was imagining it, except that all of a sudden she was looking at him and damn his heart nearly breaks at the tears pooling like liquid glass in her eyes.
“I’m pregnant”
Roy, just for a moment, is stunned. Then suddenly images flash through his head of Phoebe and babies and Keeley holding a baby and the baby looking like Keeley (he doesn’t want his poor child to be born with his eyebrows) and wow doesn’t it turn into a song he wants to hear for the rest of his life. He is pretty sure this is what swallowing glitter and a rainbow would feel like. He yelp roars several expletives (happy fuck just took on a whole new meaning), and a smile is almost taking over his face, until he realises that Keeley isn’t smiling. She cocks her head to one side, tears starting to freefall down her cheeks. Roy bites back on the sun coming out of his face, and he doesn’t know what to say because surely this is exciting for her too but she looks so sad and it makes him ache to his bones.
“You’re happy?” There’s a question there. A question she doesn’t want to ask, and one Roy wishes he didn’t have to hear.
“Are you fucking kidding me? This is the best news I’ve heard since we fixed Phoebe’s breath. I mean barely. It’s very close.” He smiles again, trying to encourage the light back into her. Roy puts hand up to her cheek, tracing the tears as Keeley closes her eyes.
“You’re not?”
“I am. I mean, I am. Yes. Can you imagine? A baby. Our baby. Babies are gorgeous. And you’re going to be the best dad ever even though I hope she or even he doesn’t get your eyebrows. But I…” She’s rambling but she can’t breathe, and she needs to tell him why and he’s so happy and she is too but it just…
And suddenly he understands. This has happened before. This magical thing has been darkened for her somehow.
“It happened a few years ago. I wasn’t even that serious with the guy. He was a pretty boy, you know, good in the sheets but not much good at anything else. I don’t think he even knew how to spell football”
At this, a growl hums low in Roy’s throat. Keeley has heard that growl before, she knows that growl.
“Not Jamie. He can be a prick sometimes, but nothing like that. Also, I’m pretty sure he can spell. Just."
She laughs weakly at her own joke. He nods, waiting for her to continue.
“It was an accident. After I told him, he started screaming about how his reputation had been finished, how I had ruined his life. Told me how fat I’d look, how no one would want me as a model then, that I’d effectively kissed my career goodbye, what little I had of it anyway. How he’d deny being the father, how he’d make sure the press would have a field day with me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it”
She’s crying properly now, and Roy is breaking. He’s holding her hands tight, trying to show her he isn’t going anywhere. He’s thinking of the damage he could do to the prick who made his Keeley feel like anything less than a lightning bolt.
“What happened?” He almost chokes on the words; they burn his mouth. Doesn’t want to her to relieve any more pain than she already is.
“He told me to fix it. To get rid of it. And can you believe I actually considered it? I really thought that he knew better, that he was right. And the baby…” she sobbed, and her voice cracked, and it sounded like shattering glass in Roy’s ears. She’s furiously wiping the tears from her eyes, trying to remove the memory from her face, from her heart. She sighs, tightening her shaking grip on Roy’s hands.
“Anyway, it didn’t matter in the end. I lost the baby about a week later. It was over before it started” At this, she deflates into Roy’s arms. And he’s kissing her forehead and her glittering eyelashes and holding her and telling her it matters very much, how brave she is and how wonderful and then their hands are holding each other’s faces and their mouths meet in the middle and colour starts to fill Keeley’s mind again, pushing back against that bitter story from a few years ago, colouring it with possibility. Roy’s name starts weaving a ribbon through her brain and he tastes like chocolate and hope. She wants this with him so badly, and now she knows he wants it too. She can see him holding a baby, holding their baby, and isn’t it just the most wonderful thing even if there is a danger their baby’s first word will be fuck.
He pulls her down so she’s lying in his lap, tracing the silver tracks down her face and lacing his fingers through her sunny hair. Keeley finally relaxes, lets out the breath she didn’t realise she’s been holding. And Roy decides to give this moment a little more sparkle, so it outshines that dark that almost ruined this for her.
“Babe, you’ll be a fucking fantastic mum”
She rolls over so she’s looking up at him, a smile playing on her lips and a warm glow steadily colouring her cheeks.
“Yeah?” This time, the question is playful. She wants the answer to this one, and Roy is more than happy to give it to her.
“Christ yeah. And fucking fit too. You’d make a hospital gown look like a bloody Victoria’s Secret runway number. Or the cat’s pyjamas, whichever is sexier”
He feels her laughter bubbling under his touch, their hands knotted on top of their happy surprise. The tears have turned to diamonds in her eyes and they kiss again, the afternoon light playing with their skin and creating fireworks, as if the day itself knew it had something to celebrate. And she’s smiling and it’s real and Roy is almost blinded by it and he can’t believe how much he loves this woman. Keeley knows it too, knows how much he loves her, how he makes her feel like she’s been struck by lightning. And she tells him all the time, but again surely won’t hurt.
“I fucking love you”