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Minho only very slightly hates himself in this situation. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, because he definitely does. And Seungmin’s hand is right there, and he could just grab it and hold it and it would be fine, but instead, he sits in silence.
He hopes Seungmin sees his hand tapping on the table and gets the hint.
He feels really dumb right now. They’ve been dating for almost two months, and they haven’t even kissed, much less held hands. And, like he said, he wants to. But he’s too scared to initiate it.
He knows that Seungmin wouldn’t pull away or be disgusted if Minho tried to hold his hand, but he can’t help but be nervous. He’s only ever held hands with one other person, and that was his best friend, 3 years ago.
Minho feels a little insecure when he thinks about it, too. Because he had told Seungmin at the beginning of their relationship that he had never done this before, that he didn’t know what he was doing, and Seungmin had told him it was okay. All he had to do was ask for it. All he had to do was brush their fingers together and Seungmin would get the hint.
With a small sigh, Minho looks down at Seungmin’s long fingers only inches away from him. They’re not moving, but with the lasers Minho is shooting into them with his gaze, he wouldn’t be surprised if they started burning.
They’re on a date, but to anyone, it would look like two friends meeting up for a coffee. Minho’s foot taps against the floor insistently, trying to build up the courage just to touch Seungmin’s fingers.
It backfires when his foot accidentally hits his boyfriend’s. Seungmin looks up from the menu with a questioning look. Minho giggles for an answer and looks down at his menu to hide his blushing face. He hates how Seungmin makes him feel.
Nervous. He’s never been a nervous person before.
“What are you gonna get?” Seungmin asks, taking Minho’s interruption as a chance to speak.
Minho shrugs. “Pancakes. What about you?”
Seungmin smiles and nods. The same. Minho already knows.
They just fit together; he noticed a while ago. He thinks that’s why they started dating too. Elongated amounts of time spent together just helped their personalities fit together until finally, Seungmin had confessed. And there was no universe where Minho would have said no.
It’s silent for a while, but its not awkward. The morning sun shines through the window they’re sitting at and brightens Kim Seungmin’s smile as he watches everyone pass by. The bustle of the city is almost relaxing, but the stress of wanting to just touch is making Minho sweat.
Seungmin’s fingers have moved from a few inches away to almost completely off the table. He’s leaned back in his seat to watch the traffic light change colors and the businessmen run across the crosswalk. Minho wants to grab his hand and hold it, but he won’t. Because that’s too embarrassing.
A few minutes later, a waitress comes to take their orders and menus with a smile. Minho doesn’t overthink how she’s staring at the one unbuttoned silver button on Seungmin’s shirt, covered with a delicate gold necklace that Minho had bought him on their first date. He doesn’t think about how her smile widens when her fingers slightly brush against Seungmin’s as she grabs his menu. He doesn’t think about her flushed red ears when she walks away.
It only makes him more insecure when Seungmin’s fingers start to cup his own face as he rests his elbows on the table. He smiles goofily at Minho and attempts to wink. Minho snorts and returns the affection.
He stares at Seungmin’s pointer finger as it taps against his soft cheek.
“You’re cute,” Seungmin says suddenly.
Minho inhales sharply and turns his head away shyly. He feels his cheeks heat up and he giggles to try and get rid of the feeling. “Stop it,” he whispers.
Seungmin doesn’t say anything else, but when Minho looks back, he has a fond smile on his face. His eyes always sparkle when he looks at the elder, and it makes Minho feel so good yet so bad about himself at the same time.
Because Seungmin probably wants to hold hands and kiss, but Minho can’t give him that. He’s too scared for no reason. A grown man. Too scared to hold hands with someone.
The younger boy has always respected Minho’s boundaries, though. It makes the elder feel more loved than he’s ever felt from anyone before. Seungmin never leans in to kiss him even when the moment is perfect, and he doesn’t grab Minho’s hand to hold it in front of all their friends. Seungmin doesn’t coddle him with compliments and declarations of how much he loves Minho. Seungmin doesn’t do anything that Minho hasn’t explicitly stated he was allowed to do.
Minho knows that Seungmin likes him of course, but he has a love-hate relationship with the extent to which Seungmin respects his boundaries.
He wants Seungmin to hold his hand, but he knows the younger won’t unless Minho holds his hand first. He wants Seungmin to kiss him in the hallway when he drops Minho off at his class, but he knows the younger won’t until Minho does it first.
Seungmin’s hand drops back to the table and drums a rhythm on the table. It’s a lot closer than before, only a few centimeters.
Minho wonders if Seungmin wants to hold his hand as much as Minho does.
When the waitress brings their food to the table, she gently sets the plates down. She smiles at Seungmin, asking if they need anything. Seungmin nods towards Minho, but the elder shakes his head.
Instead, Minho watches in slow motion as the waitress’ delicate hand lifts until it rests atop Seungmin’s shoulder. Her perfectly painted nails cup the bone and pat it once as she says something Minho can’t quite make out through the ringing in his ear. He just knows that it lasts a minute too long for his liking.
He looks up to her face as it twists into a laugh and her eyes crinkle close.
“Don’t touch my boyfriend,” Minho asserts before he can stop himself.
The woman’s eyes shoot open, and her fingers fly away from Seungmin’s shoulder. She takes a step back with an awkward scoff before quickly walking away, her heels clicking with every fast step.
Seungmin stares at Minho with wide eyes and the elder averts his gaze outside to avoid it. He doesn’t know why he said that, but he doesn’t regret it much. He didn’t like how the woman was touching his boyfriend, doing the things Minho didn’t have the confidence to two months into their relationship.
“Minnie?” Seungmin starts quietly. Minho’s ears flush red at the pet name and he lifts a hand to cover the side of his face to try and hide. “Can you look at me?”
The elder shakes his head and he squeezes his eyes shut in embarrassment. He can’t believe he just did that. He probably ruined their date over something as trivial as a touch.
“I’m not mad, if that’s the reason you won’t look at me now,” Seungmin says. “I’m glad you said something before it went too far.”
Minho doesn’t know why he feels like he’s on the verge of crying right now, but he hates the burning sensation behind his eyelids and blinks quickly to try and get rid of it. He will not be crying in the middle of a breakfast restaurant right now.
“Minnie…” Seungmin almost sounds desperate right now, and Minho just almost jerks away when he feels the brush of fingers against his hand.
Instead, his finger twitches and allows Seungmin’s fingers to intertwine with his. Minho’s breathing stutters as he lets Seungmin pull his hand away from its protective stance against his face. Minho slowly turns until he can face his boyfriend.
Their hands fall gently onto the table and Seungmin smiles when he makes eye contact with the elder. “It’s okay. You don’t have to feel embarrassed.”
Minho takes in a shaky breath, willing away the bashful tears hanging onto his eyelashes, and nods. “Okay,” he whispers, not liking the way his voice cracks at the end.
The younger boy lets a small smile overtake his face and Minho returns it slowly. The sun brings back its comforting warmth around them. Peacefully, it’s back to Seungmin and Minho and the table booth and their food and the bustling city and the restaurant around them.
Electricity shoots down Minho’s spine when Seungmin squeezes his hand. He glances down and realizes that he hadn’t let go of his boyfriend’s hand. He bites his lip and covers his face with his other hand. He’s been so embarrassed this morning and he doesn’t even know why.
Seungmin just makes him feel like that.
“Shit,” he hears the younger say. And suddenly, the warmth laced in his fingers is pulling away and retreating and Minho doesn’t know how to stop it other than to push his hand forward and grab his boyfriend’s hand even tighter than before.
He looks up with panic is his eyes and Seungmin’s expression almost makes him want to pull away too. But instead, he battles his anxiety and tugs Seungmin’s hand closer to his side of the table.
There’s a moment of silence before the younger boy asks softly, “Are you okay with this now? I don’t want you to hold my hand just because you think it’s something I want to do. You have to be comfortable with it too.”
Minho nods and blinks slowly. “I’m okay with it. I’ve wanted to do it for a while.”
Seungmin smiles, no, beams at the answer and lifts their intertwined fingers into the ray of sunshine floating over the table. It really looks like they were meant to be together. Minho’s smaller hand fills the gaps in Seungmin’s fingers perfectly and makes the elder wonder why he had never done this before.
Minho giggles when Seungmin shakes their hands back and forth and squeezes his fingers just the slightest bit tighter. His nervousness reduces to a small hum in the back of his head and the anxiousness from before dissipates into thin air.
“I’ve been waiting for this,” Seungmin says.
“Sorry.” Minho brings their hands back down to rest on the table. The cool wood stings his wrist but is soothed by the burning heat of the younger’s hand. They both stare at how their hands fit together.
“No,” Seungmin rubs his thumb against the side of Minho’s hand. “We’ll take it step-by-step, okay? I don’t mind waiting until you’re comfortable.”
“I don’t know why I get nervous,” Minho admits. “I want to do things but I just… can’t.”
Seungmin gazes up at Minho. “I don’t want to do things you won’t like, but… would it make it better if I tried to, maybe, initiate some of those things? Like, I want to kiss you, would you feel comfortable doing that?”
Minho’s entire face flushes bright red and he can feel how his hands curl to try and hide his face. But Seungmin’s grip on his hand prevents him from doing that. He looks down at the table to try and hide himself.
Minho nods slowly. “I’d like that.”
“Can I do it after this date? Outside by the car? I really, really, can’t wait to kiss you. But if you want to do it when I drop you off at home, or on another day we can.”
Minho hates how considerate Seungmin is being right now. He looks back up before saying, “You can do it when you drop me off at my apartment. I don’t know how many people would enjoy seeing two boys sucking face at 10 in the morning.”
Seungmin giggles and squeezes Minho’s hand again. “Alright, that sounds good. Do you want to eat now?”
Minho nods, but neither of them makes to let go.
“Maybe in a few more minutes,” Minho laughs. He just wants to savor the feeling for a little bit longer, and he knows Seungmin feels the same with how he smiles.
And when Seungmin presses his soft lips to Minho’s outside the door to the elder’s apartment, Minho wonders how he ever managed to deprive himself of this feeling.