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If Alex kept a tally of all the people in her life who left her in the dust, her wall would look like the inside of a prison cell.
At some point, it felt futile to keep count. The pages in her journal were ripped out, one by one, thrown into the incinerator that was her wastebasket. Sometimes it felt symbolic to get rid of the pages where she had expressed her hope of potentially finding a home she called her own. That, however, didn’t make it sting any less. Page after page, year after year, the journal lost page after page until she eventually bought a new one and started all over.
At some point, she stopped keeping a detailed journal. She didn’t think there was really a point in talking to an anonymous figure about the people she found who she would eventually lose. She began to use her journal only to talk about the random influxes of her power as they became more prominent overtime. The thoughts of finding a home, the inklings of hope she’d allowed herself to feel started to fade into the background.
Until now.
When she’d walked over that bridge for the first time, something felt different. There was a charge in the air that warned her that if she crossed over this threshold and settled into this town, her life would never be the same. The prospect was both exciting and terrifying. It had been so long since she’d felt anything close to hope. The walls she had built around her heart, foraged by years and years of construction, prevented that from ever happening again. All at once, the walls had crumbled the moment she’d looked Gabe in the eyes again.
Losing him felt like losing a part of herself. She had felt the familiar urge to run away, to hightail it to the mountains and pretend nothing was happening.
To her surprise, however, she somehow managed not only to stay rooted on the ground, but find herself a home among all the chaos, something she hadn’t known she was capable of doing on her own until now. A big part of it was helped by the mysterious woman from the record store that had made her heart race from the very first moment.
Telling Steph she wanted to stay in Haven was something she had been terrified to do. She’d fully expected Steph to say her goodbyes and leave without her. Instead, though, she had barged in with a love confession and a promise to be by her side no matter what she chose.
Steph had stayed, and in turn, she had broken the chain of loneliness that had started to wrap around Alex and choke the life from her. The marker finally had the chance to retire, no longer needing to make marks on the wall.
It was so much less scary to tell Steph what she wanted after that. To her credit, if Steph was disappointed, she didn’t show it. The two of them watched the bus pull away, lost in thought about what their future held. She had held Steph’s hand so hard she was terrified she might break it, silently saying: please stay with me, I need you, please don’t change your mind.
After walking back into the town, they had stopped to grab some food before walking back to Alex’s apartment. While the town recovered from the shock of Jed’s confession, a majority of businesses were running on shorter hours while people tried to figure out what to do next, including the record store, which had closed an hour before the bus had left. Steph was planning to take on extra help and had offered the position to Alex (just like Gabe had predicted) and she was going to re-imagine the whole store based on the idea of starting fresh .
Today, though, was just for them.
After they’d eaten, they found themselves curled up in Alex’s bed, simply enjoying each other’s company. Steph was quietly looking at the ceiling with Alex curled up next to her, her head on her shoulder.
She could still hear Gabe’s voice in her ear, telling her how no one had chosen her, no one had wanted her, for so long. Even when she woke up from whatever strange dream that was, she had been utterly alone, with nothing but her ghosts by her side. She hadn’t known that anyone on the council would support her or believe her. She’d gotten so used to being alone that it was easy to forget what life was like with someone by your side. She’d had that, for a brief moment, with Gabe, but the universe had it out for her.
The collar of Steph’s baseball tee was low enough to allow her tattoo to stand out against her skin. The image of it was imprinted in Alex’s mind by now. The wings of the swallow were aimed towards her, the texture of her lover’s skin bathed in sunlight coming in from the window. The tattoo moved with every breath that Steph took; a reminder that she was alive and well, unlike most people that Alex had once loved.
She moved her head the slightest bit so she could see it from a better angle. She’d meant to ask Steph where she’d gotten it from and what was the meaning behind it, but it had just never naturally come up in conversation. It sure was beautiful, though.
Her hand moved of its own accord from Steph’s stomach towards her collarbone. She laid her palm there, using her fingertips to trace the tattoo in memorization. Under her palm, she could feel Steph’s heart rate pick up the slightest bit.
Alex just couldn’t believe it. No matter how hard she tried to remind herself that this was real, it still felt like a dream she would eventually wake up from.
Someone had chosen her. Someone had willingly left behind their own dreams to be by her side as she pursued hers. Alex didn’t have to choose between her own happiness and the happiness of those she loved, because the one she loved had undeniably and undoubtedly chose her.
Not just someone, either. Steph . Beautiful, sweet, supportive Steph who had promised to have Alex’s back from day one and had remained true to that promise even when her entire world was turned on its head. Steph, who had made a home and a life here, only to be betrayed by those she loved, but she didn’t let it change her. As loyal as a golden retriever and as protective as a lion. Multi-faceted, complicated, incredible Steph had chosen her.
Instead of traveling the world playing music, Steph laid here with her, content to say nothing and bask in the comfortable silence as Alex traced her collarbone tattoo with her fingertips. Always seeking new adventure, Steph had made the choice to give all of that up just to be with her. Alex wasn’t sure she would ever earn that privilege. She wasn’t sure she deserved it.
After all, she was impulsive, angry, even vengeful, at times. She could have offered Jed forgiveness but she didn’t. She pushed people away even though she knew she would end up heartbroken as a result. A fucking walking contradiction.
And not only did Steph choose her -- that complicated, confusing person that she was -- she loved her. Not despite all of her flaws, but loved her and all her flaws.
“You okay?” Steph asked suddenly, and Alex realized that there were tears streaming down her cheeks and fogging up her glasses.
She reached up to wipe at her eyes and sniff, adjusting her glasses on her face before resuming her position so she could continue what she was doing. Steph’s skin was so soft even under the tattoo. She wanted to memorize every single inch of it.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” she answered as she nuzzled a little closer. The arm around her squeezed a little tighter.
They fell back into comfortable silence after that. Alex stopped tracing Steph’s swallow tattoo so that she could lay her hand on her stomach again. She closed her eyes, breathing in Steph’s scent and letting herself feel safer than she’d felt in years. It was warm and inviting and for once in her life the idea of being comfortable with someone didn’t scare her.
She felt Steph take her hand, rubbing her thumb over the back of her hand. Alex nuzzled in closer, if that was even possible, expelling slow breaths against Steph’s chest.
“I was going to leave Haven,” Steph said, breaking the silence. Alex’s eyes opened but before she could think too much into it, Steph continued. “Before Gabe died. Before you came into my life. The day you arrived, I was looking at job applications. I was so used to leaving places, not staying somewhere for too long, that it just felt natural to move on. Like I was a fuckin’ wandering ghost or whatever, never settling anywhere.”
Steph took a deep breath before she continued. Alex stayed quiet, letting her say her piece.
“You showed me something I didn’t know I was ready for,” the other woman whispered, her breathing a little shaky. “A life. Settling down. Building something with someone. I thought I’d never be ready. I’m so used to losing people because of my own stupid shit or because of fucking natural disasters or whatever.” She laughed in a way that felt like heartbreak. Alex felt the pricklings of an aura oncoming. “But now, I think, maybe this is it. And it doesn’t scare me.”
The pricklings of the aura remained. Alex felt a mixture of sorrow and joy, a complex mix that often came with situations like this. She lifted her head, placing her hand on Steph’s chest again as she adjusted her position. The other woman looked up at her with tear-filled eyes and a nervous smile on her lips.
“I know what you mean,” Alex replied as she traced Steph’s collarbone with her fingertips again. The notion was soothing and she felt Steph’s aura calm down. “I was a runner, too. Sometimes a punching bag. People always leave me behind one way or the other. You didn’t, though. You chose me. That means more to me than you even know.”
“Who wouldn’t choose you, Alex?” Steph asked, her tone soft, as she tucked hair behind Alex’s ear, ending the movement with a palm on Alex’s cheek. “Their loss.”
“You’re biased.”
“Maybe, but I’m also right.”
Alex chuckled though the lump in her throat. She could feel tears springing behind her eyelids even as she tried to stop it. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried as much as she’d cried these past few days. Something about being openly vulnerable with someone, feeling safe with them, broke the dam completely. “You have no idea how much that means to me.” She paused, glancing down Steph’s face, avoiding eye contact. “You have no idea how much you mean to me.”
“Well, like I said, you mean the fuckin’ world to me, so the feeling is mutual,” Steph replied, tempting Alex into making eye contact again. Steph’s soft smile, reserved only for her, was quickly becoming Alex’s favourite thing. Her tone dropped slightly as she pulled Alex in to kiss her on the forehead. “I’ll always choose you, Alex.”
Alex knew now that the tears were falling freely. She didn’t bother to wipe them, figuring more would take their place; instead she leaned in and kissed Steph quickly, losing herself in the familiar feeling of her lips. Steph kissed her back, holding onto Alex’s arms so that she could adjust their position, laying them on their sides.
There was nothing more to stay for a while after that. They kissed slowly, with all the time in the world, pausing only when Steph let out a chuckle and wiped the tears away or for Alex to sniff and compose herself. When they finally settled back in, the conversation picked back up.
Steph told her everything about her past. All about the storm that wiped out her town, the people she’d lost, the way she’d reacted and pushed everyone she loved away. About her high school crush and how she was killed by one of her teachers. About Izzie and their break up and how she had ended up in Haven Springs. She opened up to her, and Alex listened intently, absorbing every single bit of information. If she could go back and fight the weather herself, she would -- but instead she settled for holding Steph close to her chest as she listened.
Somehow, along the way, she found herself opening up, too. The cages around her ribcage unlocked as her heart freed itself. She told Steph everything about her own past, even the gory details she had kept hidden from everyone but herself. Steph, to her credit, only once threatened to go back in time and hurt people for her.
They were alike in that sense.
Hours passed like that, wrapped up in the blanket, speaking to each other and exchanging kisses when the conversation took a sad turn and words failed them. By the time evening came around, they were curled up next to each other, Steph fast asleep, still in her day clothes.
Alex watched her from her position on the pillow next to her. She tucked some hair behind her face and leaned in close to press her lips to Steph’s forehead before her free hand moved towards her collarbone again. She traced the tattoo, already having memorized the features of the swallow.
She had looked it up when she’d been in the bathroom earlier. The bird represents freedom, a traditional tattoo sailors had used to show that they were explorers.
Maybe, someday, the two of them would remain true to that promise, and find their way around the world. Whether they were playing music or just traveling, Alex was confident it would be a fun time for the both of them. For right now, though, she was happy where she was -- happier now that she knew Steph felt the same way. Right here, laid on this bed in her apartment, in the beginning stages of her brand-new-life, she knew that she was where she belonged.
She leaned forward and pressed her lips to the tattoo. She felt Steph wrap her arms around her in her sleep, holding her there, a joyful aura radiating off of her.
Alex didn’t bother to move. She was right where she wanted to be.