Work Text:
“Lena?”
Lena looked up at from where she was laying with her head in Kara’s lap. "I did not fall asleep Kara, I swear!”
Kara giggled and stroked Lena's hair. “I know, I was just wondering..”
“Wondering what?”
“Are you happy?”
“Kara, what do you mean? Of course I am happy!” Lena replied and sat up.
“Are you not happy?”
Kara sighed and shifted so she was facing Lena. She reached out for Lena's hand. “Let me rephrase please. Are you happy, with us?”
“Oh.” Lena replied. She fumbled with Kara’s fingers. "Kara, I assure you, everything is how I want it to be.”
“But..” Kara started.
“There is no but for me.” Lena cut her off. “Kara, I love you. I have loved you for a long time. I love living with you, I love watching you eat dozens of pizzas multiple nights a week. I love game nights and movie nights with you. I love cuddles on the couch. I am happy.”
Kara looked at Lena. She could feel the truth in her words. She knew Lena meant every word she had said. But her mind would not shut up. Her mind would try to convince her that it was not enough, that one day, Lena was going to want more than what they had. More romance, more physical touch than Kara could offer Lena. She loved Lena, deeply. Kara loved Lena but she was not in love with Lena. She had never been in love or been sexually attracted to anyone in her life. Sure, she noticed pretty women but there never had been attraction.
Kara loved taking care of Lena, bringing her lunch every other day, sing for her when she was sad. She loved living with Lena and being curled up at the couch together. Above all, she loved Lena’s hugs. Kara loved Lena’s hugs more than she liked food, though she would not admit that to anyone, except maybe Alex who could see through her bullshit. Alex knew Kara was a sucker for Lena's hugs.
But Kara was worried. Worried that her love would not be enough. That one day, Lena would wake up wanting more. And Kara would not be able to give Lena more. She might lose her. Kara’s heart broke a little just thinking about losing Lena.
“Talk to me?” Lena asked, knowing that was the only way to get Kara out of her head.
“What if, what if one day you want more and I can’t give it to you?” Kara replied, choking up. She could feel the tears starting in her eyes.
“Kara..” Lena replied as she pulled the other girl into her arms.
“What if..” Kara sobbed.
She could feel her mind running in circles. You’re not normal. You’re broken. Everyone wants more. You will never be good enough. Lena deserves better. Lena deserves someone who can love her 100%. She will leave you for someone else. Someone who can love her more.
Kara’s anxiety increased and with it, her breathing became more shallow.
"Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay, Kara, listen to my heartbeats. Count them for me, please?” Lena asked.
Kara closed her eyes, a few silent tears escaping her eyes. Lena. Lena. She tried to focus and started to listen and count.
“Kara, you are not broken. You love me. I know you love me and that is enough. I am extremely happy with our life. I would not ask for anything else, not for anyone else.”
Lena tightened her grip around Kara, one hand softly stroking the other girl’s back. “I may never understand how you feel, or rather not feel, but I respect your feelings and your boundaries. I don’t want to change you. You’re my Kara, the way you are. As long as you love me, and I know you do, I wouldn’t change anything.”
“People, they don’t understand. Every time we have to explain our relationship, it is so hard for me. Because they make me feel like I'm a freak. A robot. Unlovable.”
“They are wrong, Kara, I need you to understand they are wrong.”
“But Lena, look at you. You’re hot, you’re sexy. You’re my favorite person in the world. I love you so, so much. How..? Why..? How can I not be attracted to you, romantically or sexually? Why can’t I be normal?”
“Kara stop,” Lena replied and pushed back a little so she could look at her queerplatonic partner.
“It does not matter what you don’t feel, it matters what you do feel. You feel love, you may experience love differently, but it is not less. Your love, it is not inferior to romantic love. And if people don’t understand, that’s on them. I am yours. And you are mine. My life partner, my soulmate. I will not leave you for someone else, you have to understand that.”
Kara wiped the dried tears from her cheek. Lena said she did not understand her lack of attraction, but she always knew all the right things to say. Kara felt like Lena did understand her.
Lena was the most empathic person she had ever met. She would fight anyone who would not give Lena credit for the amazing person she was.
“Okay,” Kara sighed. “It is hard for me but I will try to believe you.”
Lena smiled and repositioned herself in Kara’s arms. “I am extremely happy, Kara.”
Kara looked over Lena’s head to the TV that was still playing some cowboy movie. Her mind going over all the things Lena had told her tonight. She was valid and Lena treated her as such. That was all that mattered.
“I love you, Lena,” Kara whispered in her hair.
Lena hummed and closed her eyes. “I love your arms. So soft, so comfy.”
“Lena! Don’t fall asleep on me!” Kara chuckled. “We were going to watch Frozen 2 again!”
“Mhhm,” Lena mumbled. “Tomorrow?”
Kara smiled. She was lucky. She had Lena and Lena was there to stay.
“Deal,” Kara replied and kissed the top of Lena’s head.
She closed her eyes and snuggled Lena closer, her partner already fast asleep in her arms.
Tomorrow.