Chapter Text
Connor dreads mornings.
As most highschool students do, but Connor dreads mornings for a multitude of reasons
1.He never went to sleep early and only gets four hours of sleep on good days
2. He has to look Cynthia and Larry in the eye
3. School.
Connor doesn't wake up for anything unless it's life or death, but recently nothing has felt like life or death, so he doesn't leave his room, much less his bed.
He looks at himself in the mirror and sighs, opting for a simple dark brown vest with a black t-shirt underneath, his black nail polish was chipping but he couldn't be bothered to repaint them. The bottle of antidepressants that sat on his sink was empty, and he didn't give enough of a shit to ask for a refill. “Who needs a refill when you have weed!” he says to himself in his head, but he can't even bring himself to have a quick smoke before school. So with a nod to himself, he slips his messenger bag over his shoulder that's filled with unfinished books and goes downstairs.
Zoe isn't downstairs yet, she's probably doing whatever jazz band shit she has to do in the morning. He doesn't pay attention to her, maybe he should. But again, he couldn't give a shit about what she does. Cynthia and Larry are downstairs before him, his mother gives him a rushed ‘good morning’ before turning her attention to the stove again. Larry spared him a glance that he was quick to ignore, instead rummaging through the fridge for something satisfactory to eat that wasn't Cynthia’s gluten free pancakes. When he realized there was nothing that was easy to make he settled for the rest of the milk, it wasn't exactly a breakfast but it was better than nothing.
Connor sits at the table and opens his phone on the off chance that someone messaged him, but the only people that message him are his mom asking how his day was, and what he plans to eat later. An unused chat with Larry, and a chat with Zoe that's only used to figure out who's driving where and when. Connor ignores it and looks for the message just labeled ‘M’
Hey do u wnna hng b4 school starts? ill drive.
delivered 6:40pm
Connor turns his phone off and just buries his face in his hands and exhales deeply, his leg is shaking and he doesn't even realize it. All he’s thinking about how he feels like shit and he should've rolled a quick one before he came downstairs because the pit in his stomach is growing and he doesn't want to go like this, he tells himself it'll be better every year and it never gets better, the same shit keeps happening and he's so sick and tired of it.
“Mom, i’m not going to school today, i'll go tomorrow.”
“It's your senior year Connor, you're not missing the first day.”
Connor feels himself getting frustrated already, but he keeps his voice leveled “I already said, I'd go tomorrow.” and he figures he ends the conversation, but Larry being the perfect husband and father, steps in “He doesn't listen, look at him, he's probably high.” and Cynthia, being the perfect mother and wife she is, immediately agrees with her husband and gasps “I don't want you going to school high Connor!” and by then, Connor doesn't care anymore. He told himself he wouldn't smoke today and even when he doesn't he's still a fucking pothead, but he doesn't argue this with Cynthia and Larry, its too early in the morning for a Murphy household screaming match, so Connor turns and stomps back upstairs “Perfect! So I won't go, thanks mom!” to which he hears her sigh but he doesn't care because he's already slammed his door.
He doesn't bother trying to listen to the conversation downstairs, he learned years ago it's never anything good about him. But he vaguely hears Zoe say “Connor finished the milk!” oh yeah, he did do that. He left the carton on the table instead of throwing it in the garbage, and yes, garbage, he actively goes out of his way to avoid using the recycling bin Cynthia bought. He doesn't know why, he likes caring for the environment and all that shit, but maybe its more of a ‘fuck you’ to Cynthia instead of to the planet.
“If Connor isn't ready I'm leaving without him!” Zoe shouts from downstairs, and Connor debates with himself internally if he should go. On one hand, he really doesn't wanna fucking go, on the other, the voice in the back of his head is saying he's going to graduate on a good note and get his shit in check. So with a groan, he grabs his bag and calls down to Zoe to not fucking leave yet.
Connor Murphy, will in fact, not be getting his shit in check.
He kept saying today was going to be a good day, and if you start your year off on a good note then there's no way it can go bad.
It did go bad.
Zoe made an off-handed comment on how she hates that her car smells like weed because of him, and he blew up and it was a classic Murphy screaming match that anyone can hear even if you were in the car next to them. When they park, Zoe slams the door so loud that the other students in the parking lot jump at the sudden noise and stare at them. But Connor is used to the attention on him like this, it's one of the perks of being the resident freak. He's used to it, nothing's changed since he threw that printer in second grade. Yet he finds himself wishing he could turn back time to that day and tell his younger self that it wasn't worth it, that he'd still fuck up royally further down the road but to preserve his ‘normal’ image for a while longer.
Connor chuckles at the thought, knowing his younger self probably would've been too mad to listen to reason and throw the printer at him instead.
He makes it through the front doors and the first hall before someone makes a snide comment about Connor under their breaths, he ignores it, like he always has and keeps walking. He only stops when he's halfway through the commons and someone calls his name out loud “Hey Connor! Nice haircut, very school-shooter chic!” the tall boy whips his head around to see who it was, Jacob? No, Jacob was on the swim team, this guy looked like he hadn't done any physical activity since middle school.
Jared.
The name makes his face involuntarily twist and he shoots back a retort, which makes Jared quickly back off “Chill man, I was just saying nice hair.” Connor doesn't unclench his fists though, his eyes flick to the guy Jared was talking to, a kid in a cast and a blue shirt. The fuck was his name again? Connor couldn't remember and all he was thinking about was how he made some weird sound when Jared spoke that sounded vaguely like a laugh and that was enough to make Connor start on him too.
“Why are you laughing?”
“OhnoIwasntlaughing-”
“You think that's funny?”
“No!Notatall-”
“You think i'm a freak huh?!”
“Nonono-”
“You're the fucking freak!”
Connor doesn't really know what happened, it was just sort of a flash of red and then the kid was on the ground hyperventilating or something. Connor knows he's a lot of things, but hurting some kid in a cast was pretty shitty. He doesn't know what to do, Jared is helping him up but Connor stands there for just a moment and stares at the kid who he pushed to the ground. An apology wouldn't do anything good, and he always seems to make things worse when he tries to make anything better. So he storms off into his first period, the teacher tells him he's late but he doesn't care. He just puts his head down and goes to sleep.
He sleeps through all of his classes, he didn't get anything good anyways. The only time he wakes up is in English class to read the list of books he's reading this year. He crosses out the ones he's already read over the summer and adds the ones he hasn't read to his cart on the Barnes and Nobles site. He doesn't bother entertaining the thought of sitting in the cafeteria, the same thing happens every year and he knows it won't be any different. He opts to just walk around in the library even if he's read most of the books in it, and has more in his room he needs to finish.
Connor opens his phone again to see if ‘M’ replied
Hey do u wnna hng b4 school starts? ill drive.
read 9:27 am
He brings his hand to run through his hair and stares at the text blankly, the pit in his stomach growing ever so slightly. He sits at a computer and just stares at it, there's no actual work that needs to be finished, the games are blocked, and he doesn't see the point.
So why does he hear typing?
Heterochromatic eyes look over to the only other computer on, its diagonal from him and he gets a good view of who's sitting at it. The kid with the cast and blue shirt he pushed down earlier, Connor’s heart jumps for a split second and he remembers the guilt he felt for pushing him down. How does he explain it was an accident ‘Yeah i know I almost put the rest of your body in a cast, didn't mean it though. Let's be friends’ Connor cringes at the thought, but the more he looks at the boy he realizes he's not paying anyone any attention. His free hand fidgets with the collar of his shirt while he stares at the screen typing something, he's mumbling something “Dear Evan Hansen… today… is…” he trails off as his fingers stop moving to type.
Great. He's apologizing to a Schizo.
Connor doesn't know what drives him to apologize, maybe it's the thought of what ‘M’ would think that makes him feel the need to be a good person, even if just for a moment. So he tries.
“Hey.”
the blond boy still stares at the screen.
Connor tries again, a little louder.
The other boy’s blue eyes flick across the screen, still not meeting the heterochromatic ones.
“Hey!”
The boy snaps out of whatever trance he's in and looks to Connor, who was internally cringing for being so loud. The boy was already shaking and looking at the guy who shoved you earlier is not something that’ll make it stop. Connor wants to back out, but his mouth moves before his mind can tell him to shut the fuck up.
“Evan, right?”
the boy nods but doesn't say anything.
“I'm uh, sorry for pushing you earlier.”
“Nonono it's fine, I get it. Jared can be a jerk.”
Connor nods at that and the conversation dies, mission success? But Evan was still shaking and he felt like it had something to do with how he yelled to get his attention, so when Evan finishes typing and goes to the printer, Connor follows him.
Now they're awkwardly standing next to the printer, waiting for whatever Evan was typing to come through the printer. Connor doesn't usually start the conversation but he has to, he knows he does, so he tries again.
“So uh… How did you break your arm?”
“Oh! Well, it's a funny story actually.”
“Yeah?”
“Well I was volunteering at that nature reserve, the one across the river? Yeah, so, I wanted to climb one of those really tall trees so I did. But then, I, um.. fell.”
“You fell out of a tree?”
“Yeah.”
“That is the saddest fucking shit i've ever heard.”
Evan gives him an awkward smile and turns back to the printer and Connor mentally curses at himself again. Good fucking going shithead. But Connor doesn't want to leave until he makes it up to Evan, he doesn't know why he's so set on apologizing to this one guy. Maybe he sees himself in Evan somehow, just some anxious kid trying to get by. So Connor tries one more time
“So, I noticed no one's signed your cast.”
“Oh, yeah well-”
“I'll sign it, you got a sharpie?”
“...Yeah.”
Connor grabs the sharpie, he notices it's all warm and sweaty but saves Evan the embarrassment by not telling him. Connor’s hands are shaking too, he doesn't know why. But it makes his signature look jagged and like he has parkinsons or something, he writes his name big, he's never signed his name small on things. M tells him it's important to leave your mark on things as big as you can and Connor finds himself sticking to it wherever he has to write his name or sign things.
The taller boy puts the cap back on the sharpie and hands it back to Evan “Now we can both pretend we have friends.” Evan gives a genuine chuckle at that and Connor can't help but return it. The printer finally finished printing something, and Connor wants to continue his good streak by grabbing it for Evan. He doesn't really hear Evan when he goes to grab it, assuming it was a thanks or whatever. Hands move to move the locks of brown hair away from his face to get a better look at the paper “Dear Evan Hansen… that's you, right?” Evan furiously nods “Yeah, it is so can you please give it back?” But Connor isn't listening, his eyes flick to Zoe’s name and he stops.
“...This is about my sister?”
“No, well yes but-”
“You knew I was the only person in here.”
“Nonono-”
“So you printed this creepy sex letter about my sister so I could see it.”
“No please just let me expla-”
“So that I would freak out and you could tell everyone that the fucking freak blew up on you.”
“No-”
“You're the fucking freak!”
Connor takes the paper and shoves it in his pocket as he shoves past Evan again. He doesn't know where he's going now. The whole school feels suffocating and he can't stand to be there any longer, so he just sits in the driver’s seat of Zoe’s truck and rests his head on the steering wheel and cries. He cries because of everything and this shitty day and the one person that could possibly make him feel better won't even talk to him. He wishes Zoe was more forgetful sometimes so the keys could be in the car and he could speed out of that hellhole. He wishes he paid attention to when Larry was trying to teach him how to hotwire a car because now all Connor wants is to go away. But he doesn't, so he sits in the car for the rest of the day.
Zoe doesn't have band rehearsal today, so when school finishes Connor moves back to the passenger seat. The ride is silent, the only noise was the hum of the engine and the cars going by. The weight of the letter in the older Murphy sibling's pocket feels heavy, he doesn't know what to do about it. Zoe deserves to know if there’s some creep going after her, so he unravels it from his pocket when Zoe stops at a red light “Zoe I think someone is stalking you.” Zoe takes her eyes off the traffic light for a minute, she knows Connor enough to know he doesn't joke about this type of stuff “Why do you think that?” and Connor hands her the note he grabbed from the printer today and Zoe scans it.
Zoe sighs “Connor, did you read this all the way through.” and Connor furrows his eyebrows “Of course I did, he was writing about you or some creepy shit.'' The younger Murphy hands it back to the older one “It says ‘Because there's Zoe, and that’s enough. I think he just has a crush on me.”
What.
The guilt grows.
“Oh.” Is all Connor says before he turns his head to look out of the window. But realization sets in for Zoe “Connor, how did you get this letter?” Connor doesn't say anything, and Zoe says his name more stern and Connor just tells her to fuck off. It wasn't worth arguing, and they were already pulling into the driveway.
Connor speeds into his room and throws his bag on the floor, opening his phone and pulling up instagram to type in Evan Hansen. An account stares back at him that had to have been Evan from school. There's only one post and it's a picture of a massive tree with a caption ‘I love the trees here.’ That was enough to sell it to Connor, he opens the chat with him and stares and the blinking cursor.
Evan wants nothing to do with Connor, this apology will mean nothing to him since Connor just proved that he's unstable and stupid. But he should just get it out of the way, but what does he even open that conversation with? ‘Yea, so that letter. My bad, i should've guessed you had a crush on my sister. Who fucking wouldnt, shes a star student snd you got stuck talking to her freak of a brother-’ Connor stops that thought before it gets worse and turns off his phone for the night, he knows M won't reply if he asks what to do, and honestly, Connor doesn't want to tell him. He already looks like a piece of shit already, he can't just tell M what he did.
It's not even 6 but Connor lays down to go to sleep for the day, he’ll go back to school and give the paper back to Evan and apologize for jumping to conclusions. This time he’ll stick to it and even offer to buy his lunch, it's not like Connor eats it anyway.
Yeah, good plan.
When Connor wakes up the next day he decides to wear a simple black hoodie instead, fall was a bitch but winter was worse, so he couldn't complain too much. He doesn't fight Cynthia and Larry in the morning and he silently gets into the passenger seat and waits for Zoe to start driving. He's going to apologize today. He's going to get better and make sure this never happens again, and everyone can pretend that nothing happened.
Zoe notices the silence “You haven't found anything to complain about today, that's new.” Connor scoffs “Would you rather me yell at you again?” and the conversation dies for a moment, until Zoe asks “You feel bad, don't you.” not really a question, but more like a statement Connor notes. He nods his head and doesn't say anything, and for Zoe, it's enough.
When Zoe parks, Connor stays in the car to look for Evan. How hard is it to look for a guy in an arm cast with ‘Connor’ written in big bold letters on it? But when he couldn't find Evan from the car, he walks into the commons area and sits at one of the tables alone and waits to see if he can see Evan passing by there. Does he look like a creep? Yeah, but getting weird looks from people passing is nothing new for him.
Its five minutes until the first warning bell rings and Connor starts to bounce his leg anxiously, of course he wouldn't see Evan today, the guy would probably have a heart attack if he even caught a glance at the guy who signs his cast then blows up on him for having a harmless crush on his sister. That's the first thing he’ll apologize for, and maybe he'll help him get with Zoe to make up for everything. Evan definitely wasn't bad looking, all he needed was a push in the right direction-
Gross, why is he thinking about setting up some sweaty kid with his little sister? Guilt does shit to a fucker fr.
The first warning bell rings and the halls clear up ever so slightly, but still no sign of a boy in a cast. Evan didn't seem like the type of guy to just skip school, he probably gets heart palpitations at the thought of even missing a class. So where the hell was he? He stands up so he can get a better look at the crowd but there’s no dirty blond curls that stand out to him, but from the corner out of his eye he does see Jared. He's desperately trying to flirt with girls and anyone could tell they clearly weren't interested but he still kept it going.
If anyone knew where Evan would be, it's probably Jared. With a long exhale Connor finds himself dragging his feet to Jared’s table, making the two girls he was trying to flirt with scurry away to which Jared is confused about until he turns to see Connor “Ah! Mr. Shooter, i'm not sure if you know but girls are usually supposed to run at you, not away from you.” It takes all of Connor’s self control to not grab the boy with glasses by the neck and shake him until his eyes pop out, but he manages to keep looking him through his stupid little glasses and into his eyes.
“Have you seen Evan today?”
“What? Shoving him twice wasn't enough for you? I'm pretty sure aggression towards the handicapped gets you expelled, Murphy.”
Connor’s knuckles turned white from clenching his fists so hard and he was about to knock those dollar store glasses off of Kleinman’s face until it hit him. Jared said twice, he wasn't around for the second time, which means Evan told him about it.
“Have you seen him?”
“Why do you care so much?”
Connor is about to snap, but he reminds himself the first step to getting better is controlling your anger, so he takes a deep breath and tries being civil to Jared “I took… something of his and I need to give it back.” Jared looks Connor dead in the eyes and starts laughing hysterically “You mean that creepy sex letter he wrote? You're not gonna kill him for it? That's new.”
The tall boy takes the crumpled up paper from his pockets and hands it to Jared “No, it wasn't some fucking… sex letter or whatever. I think he just has a harmless crush on her or some shit like that, and I freaked out, and… yeah.” Something about how him and Jared came to the same conclusion about Evan’s letter made him feel weird but he didn't think about it for too long because Jared was already handing the paper back to him “Well that's not new for you, but no, to answer your question. I haven't seen Evan since yesterday and he hasn't talked to me since he told me about what happened in the library yesterday.”
Connor doesn't say anything.
“But, he's in your first period class and my second period, so if he's running late you'll be the first person to see him, and if he's extra late and comes during second period i'll tell him Connor Murphy is out for blood.” Jared laughs and Connor flips him off and leaves for first period, staying awake this time for the off chance that maybe Evan is late.
When first period ends, Connor shrugs it off.
When second period ends, Connor is worried because he doesn't see Evan in the halls.
When third ends, he can't help but pick at his already chipped nail polish.
Connor finds Jared in the cafeteria with some other nerdy looking guys, he sits next to them and they scurry off telling Jared they'll talk after school and Jared sighs “We really need to work on your image Murphy, maybe people would stop running from you if you got rid of the shooter look.” All Connor does is glare at him and Jared backs off “No, I haven't seen him, you probably scared him shitless. I can give you his number so you can text him but if he isn't replying to me then he's definitely not re-”
“Connor Murphy, Please come to the front office.”
The intercom makes the whole cafeteria go silent and no one says anything to continue their conversations. Connor feels hundreds of eyes fall on him and he looks at Jared as a silent ‘What the fuck is going on’ Because the last time Connor checked, he hasn't done anything office worthy in the two days he's gone to school. Minus the shoving the kid in a cast down once or twice.
“Ooooo, you're probably expelled for bullying the handicapped.”
“Shut the fuck up Kleinman.”
Connor stands and walks to the office, taking his sweet time and not acknowledging the people who stare at him. Evan didn't seem like the type of guy to tell someone about getting pushed over, he acts like it happens to him on the daily so there's no reason to go and tell someone about one guy who fucked him over.
Connor knocks on the front office door, and he’s led to a room in the back with a small coffee table and two chairs on each side of it by one of the receptionists and told to sit down. So he makes himself as comfortable as he can on the small, stiff seats as he thinks about what he's done in the last two days to warrant a trip to the office.
He expects the person opening the door to be the principal, but instead it’s a woman with blonde shoulder length hair and tired eyes, she holds herself like she's supposed to be a respected figure but her posture seems to be slipping, her eyes are red and puffy like she's been crying, no, she has been crying. Connor racks his brain for a reason why a woman would want to speak with him right after crying, but his mind can only pull up blanks.
She sits down and they both stare at each other for a moment, and she takes the initiative and speaks first “You’re Connor, Connor Murphy, right?” Connor slowly nods his head, she had definitely just been crying before this. Her voice was raspy and hoarse but she still kept going “You… were friends with my son, right?” And Connor's brows furrow because this lady probably has the wrong Connor Murphy and he doesn't know how to break it to her but she tries anyway “I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong Connor, there's another Connor Murphy actually, he's a freshman, maybe you're looking for him?” He does his best to explain in a calm way, like his rehab instructor tells him, but the lady grabs his hand “Nonono, you see, you’re the only other Connor Murphy in my son’s grade, and even if i'm not around too much I really can't see any reason to talk to a freshman.”
Again, Connor wracks his brain but still has nothing “Ma’am, who is your son?” Connor questions, but maybe he had already pieced it together from the striking resemblance and the way they're both so quick to deny things.
“Evan Hansen, you're friends, right?”
Connor gulps and he starts bouncing his leg again “Uh, well not really why do you… think that?” Connor takes his hands out of his pockets and starts picking at his nail polish again.
“Well it's just, when they found him, his cast, it was signed in big letters with the name Connor, so I came to the school and asked for any Connors in his classes. He's never told me about a Connor he was friends with befoee” The woman explains but Connor is too focused on the ‘found him’ part, did that guy seriously run away because of a crush on his sister? Was he that terrifying?
Connor slowly nodded “I… I did sign his cast, but we aren't friends. I just, um.” Connor looks for the words to explain why he felt the need to sign Evan’s cast but something catches the blonde woman's eye and Connor can't help but follow her sight.
A crumpled up piece of paper on the floor.
Connor mutters a ‘Shit’ and goes to reach for it but his reaction time isn't as fast as the woman who was sitting in front of him. She opens it and you can watch her slowly read and understand the weight of the words on the paper. Connor shrinks himself as much as he can into his seat, she's gonna know he took it from her son and be seen as an asshole when all he wanted to do today was fucking apologize. Serves him right for thinking anything can get better.
“You… wrote this to my son?”
Connor freezes, he doesn't know how to react so he just stares blankly at the woman in front of him until she explains “When I asked for a Connor, they asked me if I would rather talk to your sister, Zoe” of course they fucking did. “And I told them I wanted to see Connor. So this note, you were talking about your sister to him?”
Connor is getting frustrated now, so he stands up “Look, Mrs. Hansen, I didn't know your son. So can you just lay off?” he goes to leave but she’s fuckin persistent so she grabs onto his wrist “We all grieve in different ways Connor, but please.” She stares at him with watery eyes and Connor’s heart stops momentarily “...What do you mean ‘grieves’ miss?”
The lady gives him a sad smile “It’s Heidi.” She looks like she's struggling to find the words, he is too, so he looks everywhere but at her, until he hears a quiet voice that you could only hear if you were Connor.
“Evan took his life last night.”
“What.”