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14 July 2000
Carter,
I don't want this to be some soppy letter. I'm not good at expressing what it is I feel inside. I didn't even know until it was almost too late, until I saw you on the other side of that forcefield.
But you already know. I saw it in your eyes, and I wonder how long you've known.
You're smart. You've probably known a long time.
I can't even finish writing it out of fear this will be found, and my selfish feelings will rip you from me.
I promised myself that I won't be the reason your life gets ruined.
So, I'll wait.
28 July 2000
I could have lost you, Sam.
No sooner had we admitted to even a little more than our respective roles, you were mourning the death of the man and symbiote the Tok'ra who once shared your body loved for over 100 years.
I have no way of…. No, I have no right to comfort you.
I could have lost you, Sam.
Why does it feel like I already did?
4 Aug 2000
Sam,
I have something I have to admit and I'm not sure you'll like it.
I mean you did. Like it that is, but I have to bear in mind that it was consequences-free and you knew it.
For a blissful twenty seconds we were consequence-free.
You were surprised, but you soon relaxed; you were in my arms, and we were just two people together.
I'm sorry if my admission embarrasses or makes life awkward for you.
Believe me, it was the last of my intentions. I would never want to make you feel that way.
But I was curious and truly a free agent, and when Daniel pointed out I could do whatever I wanted free of consequence, my first thought was of you.
I think I'm in deep, Carter.
1 September 2000
Thera,
I'm addressing this to you as the man that can. Before too much of the man who can't admit it occupies my mind.
During the last few weeks, I have never been as happy, as complete, then I am with you. You make me happy, not my lack of memories.
I would never be a complete or real person without you.
It meant the world to me that we found each other and shared ourselves with each other.
I am yours whatever my name is.
Jonah.
15 September 2000
I remember a certain Blond Captain once asking me if I died would I regret anything.
Oxygen deprived really gets you evaluating as well as frostbite.
Turns out my biggest regret now would be in not telling you how I feel.
I still can't, so I hope you know I want to show you through my actions.
You came for me, Sam.
I live, because of you.
26 Jan 2001
Withdrawal is hard.
But it took everything in me not to overpower you and just get it over with.
I think there would be some kind of relief to the act, but I don't care for the feeling of regret after. Knowing what I would have done to you.
I might crave you for the rest of my life.
But this is stronger.
I'll be stronger for you, Sam.
29 June 2001
I lost Teal’c.
I can almost see you rolling your eyes at me, trying to comfort me, and tell me it’s not down to me.
But it is.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared next time it might be just as easily you.
I am a liability to your life.
In more ways than one.
Find someone, Sam, who can love you, protect you, and keep you safe. Can do all the things I want to.
Because I can't be trusted to be with you.
10 July 2001
Okay, I didn't expect you to move on that quick.
Or has it been slow?
Have you been trying to get over whatever it is we had? Of course, you're not as emotionally invested in this as me.
You have options.
Everyone who meets you loves you.
And this alien guy, Orlin, sees you for all the beautiful and wonderful things you are, and he got share it with you.
I want to be happy that you're loved.
I wish – no I didn't wish it were me.
I feel so selfish. I didn't believe you at first and you had to let go of something you wanted. You were caught… between saving the world or your own butt, of course you chose the former.
You… you'd give this world your heart on a platter.
And you had to do it alone.
I'm sorry, Sam.
7 September 2001
I lost you. Again.
All my fears rolled into one.
And it wasn't out there in the big wide void of space.
They took you here! From outside your gym!
I remember when I heard that gunshot which killed Charlie.
And then the memory of that dread spread through my body that day… that same dread overtook me.
We found you in the nick of time.
I don't know what I would do if they took you away from me now.
Because I love you.
2 March 2002
I won't lie. Today was a good day.
It wasn't because I got to tease the cadets into believing I'm a terrifying Colonel, although that was pretty spectacular.
It was a good day, because you stood by my side, you were with me and, to them, we might as well have been equals in rank in their eyes. And, Sam, that was a great feeling.
I love making you smile and laugh. I love we have lots of in jokes which scared the pants off those kids. I love--all of it.
I wish I could tell you.
15 March 2002
I love it when you're all happy and smiling.
But, Samantha Carter, there is something which turns me on so much and that’s when you're rightly indignant and you march on and prove them wrong!
Not only do I love it, but it saved Teal’c's life today.
Never stop being you.
17 May 2002
You want me to talk. To acknowledge my pain somehow.
I wish I could. If only for you, Sam.
I don’t think I can't verbalise the way I feel for you, not even those three simple words ‘I love you’ covers it.
Daniel brought me back from a precipice. One, I was sure had no route of escape. Yet he talked me from the edge. Even when he lived on Abydos for a year, he was the reason I didn't jump.
He was so full of hope and faith, and those kids I lied for.
They deserved to live.
Just like my Charlie.
So, I protected them as best as I could.
I protected Daniel, as best as I could.
And I still failed him. Failed them.
For all I love you, everything I love, dies.
I can't lose you, Sam.
So, I'm letting you go first.
19 July 2002
I know I said I was letting you go. But I can't. The Tok'ra which they gave me looked inside of me and saw what I would do to protect you, and I ended up being tortured without the Tok'ra the wimp, who ran at first sight of trouble. Clearly, he didn't learn enough.
I'd do it all again to save you.
23 August 2002
I hate that the ship was taken from under our noses.
I love that you willingly sacrifice yourself to save the planet. I love that you don't think of yourself, that you would carry out exactly what is needed of you. I love you for holding out with no weapons, no way out until I got to you.
For all I love all this about you.
Please don't do it again.
Don't sacrifice yourself for this world.
Nothing in this world is worth that much.
24 Jan 2003
Thank you for believing in me so much.
I never quite say it, but I'm glad you're my second. I don't think anyone would willingly put their lives in my hands like you do.
It speaks volumes of the kind of trust we have. You knew without evidence, even though you've seen what I'm capable of.
Just thanks.
7 February 2003
It's like it's an annual thing! They try to take you from me. Your head on my shoulders, my heart in my throat. I could do nothing to save you.
The thought of losing you now to some psychopathic lunatic of a snake--
Losing Daniel was hard. Almost losing Teal’c was painful.
Losing you would be unbearable.
14 March 2003
A lot has gone on lately.
Daniel has helped ascend Abydos.
It's a painful reminder of where we all started, how this all started. It’s hard knowing I won't see Skaara again. I won't see him grow or raise a family. I won't see any of those kids again, and yet, they aren't dead and gone.
They've ascended, and if they're anything like Daniel, they'll show them how it should be done. It'll be good to have good people up there.
And yet in all of that, I think Skaara was trying to set us up! It's a sad case of affairs when I can't hide how I feel for you from a kid inviting me to his wedding!
But you didn't seem disgusted, you just seemed distant from the idea of us being romantically linked, jumping to "friends". I suppose it's not so terrible being your friend, it has led me to the conclusion that you no longer care for me the way you once did.
That's okay.
I want you to live your life. You're amazing inside and out, any man would be lucky. It's a shame, that's all. I wanted it to be me.
16 Jan 2004
I know it's been a while since I've written anything.
I thought I had started to get over you. Turns out the minute you go missing, I go crazy!
And T told me when Colonel Maybourne and I were stranded off world, you despaired at the thought of never seeing me again.
And I hoped -- I hoped you still wanted me, like I wanted you, but when we found you--I don't think you did.
I have to give up now, but if you ever find these letters, know that I will always be there for you. I will always care for you, if you need me, I'll always be by your side.
30 January 2004
It's bittersweet when you finally took my advice and found someone away from all this.
I always hoped it would have been me, but as long as you're happy -- I'll be happy for you, because you deserve the best in life -- and that's definitely not me.
I hope this guy is that guy.
I hope he gives you all you deserve.
6 February 2004
It scares me when I lose you. I've said it so many times in these letters, but it doesn't make it any less true. So, when you went missing at the Alpha site, even dad didn't believe you could still be alive.
I'm surprised. I thought he knew you better, if anyone can keep going to the last millisecond it's you, Carter.
Can I tell you something? When we found you all bruised and broken, you asked me to sit with you. I sat beside you and gathered you for a hug. It was to reassure myself. that you were alive, and real. Selfishly, I knew it was one of the only places your boyfriend wouldn't find us. Because I wanted you to myself, just to be sure you were safe.
20 February 2004
I should be telling you to talk to your boyfriend about this.
Not the specifics, but the situation.
That your best friend is dead. and your boss almost died too. I should be saying to you he can help; he'll understand how rough it is on you.
But I couldn't deny you. Never could.
When you stood in front of me crying telling me you were glad I was okay.
It felt like so much was not said, and we didn't confirm or deny anything, and maybe this physical barrier of a having a boyfriend was enough to let me comfort you as a friend.
Just a little bit, just a hug a little, and why I lied to myself when I spent the night with you as a friend when I really wanted more but that’s not what I told myself.
That it’s nothing but professional concern.
You have a boyfriend after all.
18 March 2004
I have so much to tell you. So much I want to say.
When you ‘dropped by’, I knew.
And I stopped you. Because that line has been drawn and neither of us would cross it.
I worried you were saying it because my life would end soon and you felt as though you should admit it, after all there would be no consequences.
But I know that sort of love.
Admitting with no consequences only makes you regret having not said it sooner.
I want to die, knowing I haven't caused any sort of regrets for you.
If I go now, promise me you’ll love him with all of you.
That you will be happy.
And there are no regrets.
Comdo .
20 August 2004
Sam, I think this will be my last letter.
You asked me, as if … as if I could change your answer.
Don't you understand?
I don't want to change anything about you.
I want you to be happy. It's my only desire, my one wish for you to be.
The world could go down in flames, but as long as you were happy and safe then it would be okay.
It felt like you were looking for validation of your emotions, of your thoughts and feelings, like you had to be sure I didn't love you and I do but I can’t tell you!
But telling you to drop your relationship, to change your mind and pick me… is selfish and self-indulgent.
To believe I could be worth it for you and let you wait for something that might never happen!
I can't do that to you, Sam, because I love you.
I've already lost you! You’ve moved on without me. And there’s no way back.
But for you, I'd endure it all.
Because you're worth it.
08 March 2005
It feels like I cheated on you.
You're not mine to love, I know it.
I'm with a beautiful, free to love woman and I feel like I cheated on you.
I shouldn't even be thinking it, never mind writing it.
15 March 2005
You're lying asleep beside me, in my bed, completely naked.
It's three in the morning and I can't sleep.
I should want to sleep, but I don't want to.
And I don't want to miss a single second!
Eventually I'll succumb to a quiet slumber, and, in the morning, you'll wake, we'll repeat last night then we'll sleep.
Together.
You picked me.
And I got to tell you. I can finally say those three little words.
I love you!
So, for now, I'm savouring it.
Remembering each little detail and storing it in my heart.
Because I've waited for this, and it was worth the wait.
"Hey Sam, I'm just popping out to the store because we're all out coke and beer--" He called out as he walked into the bedroom, and when he did stop suddenly to see her sitting in the middle of their bed surrounded by those pieces of paper he had recorded those letters on, and the shoe box that had been their home for years.
He looked at her and saw she was crying. For a moment, he was shocked. Too surprise to move. His voice and thoughts fought to be in sync.
Her voice was thick with suppressed emotions and she stammered in shock. "I'm sorry. I was looking for my tennis shoes when I found this under the bed. I only opened it to check if we hadn't missed throwing this out at our last move. But then I saw the letters--"
"Were all addressed to you." Jack said swallowing as he carefully sat on the bed trying not to crumple them. "So, I guess it's only fitting--"
"They're love letters!" She cried. "It's our love story. All of it, the messy, the tender, everything it's here."
Jack looked at her for a moment before he asked, "Is that okay?"
She nodded before she reached over the letters that were strewn over the bed, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and hugged him.
"I've never had a love letter before." She told him.
"Never?" He asked surprised.
Sam shook her head. "This -- this is so romantic!" She sputtered. "I love you, Jack." She eventually whispered before she pulled away. "You waited."
He looked at her and wiped away her tears. "Yeah." He said softly.
"Am I still worth it? The wait?" She asked him.
Jack smiled and was amazed again at her humility. "I don't regret a single second."