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When it first happened, you thought you knew exactly what was going on.
You feel it, immediately, before you even open your eyes: the bad part of you is awake. This wasn't supposed to happen anymore, you thought. You're supposed to have a handle on this, now. You can't do this, you can't deal with this, you can't burden your family with this, not again.
Before the panic fully sets in, you thoughtlessly reach into your chest, yank out the source of the problem, and throw it across the room, trapping it within the birdcage in the corner of your room.
This... is new. Its, uh... Never quite gone like this, before. You've never... seen an actual SOUL in real life before.
You stare at it, breathing hard, trying to calm yourself down. You watch silently as it thrashes around its flimsy prison.
Its angry. Its terrifying. It seems like only a matter of time until it manages to escape.
This thing... isn't actually yours, is it?
Distantly, you realize that your mother is calling your name, that you're running late for school, that she's been trying to get your attention this entire time. With another jolt of dread, you hear the distinctive sound of her marching up the stairs, heading towards your room.
You can't let her see this. You can't let her know about this. Not after everything you've already put her through. Unable to make the... the thing calm down, and with no where else to hide it, you place it, regretfully, back inside your chest.
It feels terrible. It feels wrong. You think you're going to be sick.
Your body pretends to behave like normal. Your mother doesn't seem to notice any difference. You go through the rest of the day like that, observing, holding your breath until the moment it decides to strike, to do something, do anything, but nothing especially out of the ordinary happens. Now that its awake, it seems to be... bidding its time. For what, you wonder, warily watching it stalk the streets in your own skin. What is it waiting for?
You get your answer shortly, when you and your classmate walk into the storage closet, and end up falling into another world.
The thing inside your chest wraps your fingers around your newly acquired sword so tightly it hurts, and swings with abandon at the first enemy it gets access to. You're alarmed--you don't want this thing to make you into a killer--but thankfully, the enemy manages to run away.
In fact, to your great relief, they all manage to run away. Despite it's best efforts, the SOUL inside you can never seem to successfully inflict a finishing blow. Thank God. It seems to be pleased, if not entirely satisfied, at getting to lash out at others. That makes sense, you think. You remember your teachers explaining how 'anger exercises' worked, when you were younger, about how punching a person was bad, but punching a pillow was okay. And it helped, you guess, at least until you found better places to put that energy. Back then, you had so many emotions bottled up, you used to be scared that it'd all explode one day, and that your loved ones would get caught in the crossfire. This thing doesn't seem to be aiming its aggression at anyone you care about, so that's a relief, but its still hitting people... but then again, is it? Everyone in this strange world looks like a toy, or an object, or something. You were taught how to deal with this when you were younger too--how to identify when the unreality sets in. This place isn't real, at least you don't think, so these people... they're not real either, are they?
Anyways, its not like you're the only one--Susie is hitting them too, and you couldn't stop her if you wanted to. So you can't be blamed for not stopping your SOUL, either.
And, um. You probably shouldn't admit this. But... you forgot how satisfying it felt, when one of your hits really connects with a target.
You swear it didn't use to feel this good.
You feel like you've grown stronger.
The SOUL drags you back into the dark world again, the very next day. You figure that's okay. After all, your hunch turned out to be correct: no one there is real. They might seem real, under the guise of the darkness, but when you bring them back into the light, you can see that they're just playing cards, or chess pieces, or stuffed toys. Inanimate. Not people. If this is what the thing inside you wants to direct its violent impulses at, then that's fine. Bringing it here and letting it lash out keeps it away from people in the real world, from people who don't run away when you hit them, from people you want to protect.
Except this time, to your dismay, a couple of real people managed to tag along. Well, other than Susie. But you're not worried about her. She's more than capable of taking care of herself.
Not like Noelle. Ugh, out of everyone, why'd it have to be her!? There's not a single person in your entire town that's more defenseless than your scaredy-cat neighbor.
To be honest, you've always resented her for it. None of those pranks you used to play on her were even that scary, but she always reacted like the world was ending, and then an adult would rush over and coddle her, and then they'd look at you like you were the devil. Her goody-two-shoes act... it always felt like she was shoving it in your face. Because she was so pure, and innocent, and perfect, and you were... you. A freak. Its not fair: everyone knows how much of a weirdo you are, but no one seems to realize that she's just as weird.
You want to take the SOUL back out, once you realize you're stuck alone with her, because you suspect that if it even breathes in her direction she'll drop dead, but then you realize... you can't. She'll completely lose it if do something like rip your own heart out of your chest in front of her. Damn it. What are you going to do now?
But then, something weird happens.
It seems to... like her?
It drops its weapon around her. It makes weird advances at her. It pushes her to use her ice powers, insists that she's stronger than she thinks she is, and to your surprise you can tell that she's beginning to believe it. You remind yourself that this is fine: the things she's freezing are enemies, and more than that, they're not real. Even if they walk like they're real, and talk like they're real, and scream like they're real. Better to take it out on some programs and jpgs than an actual person.
And then you cross paths with Birdly. Part of you thinks, okay, that's enough, time to stop this. But another, louder part of yourself thinks, psh, Noelle won't really fight him, she doesn't have the guts. Its been obvious to you for years, the way Birdly's latched onto her in order to feed his own ego. Its pathetic, on both their parts. Noelle's too much of a doormat to ever take a step out of his shadow.
...Right?
The SOUL slowly raises your hand for you, and commands her, over and over and over again, to proceed. With equal parts fascination and horror, you watch as her resolve cracks. Again, you think, you need to stop this, but you don't. Turns out you're just a tiny bit more fascinated than you are horrified. You want to see what she's capable of, want to see her brought down a peg, want her to feel what its like to be the bad guy, to be in the wrong, for once.
She limps away afterwards, ashamed, leaving you and the thing inside of you alone to stare at what she left behind. The ice is so thick, you can only see the faintest shadow of Birdly's body trapped inside, twisted and contorted and fixed in place. The SOUL feels satisfied. You don't. You tell yourself all kinds of things to assure yourself that its fine that you let this happen: Birdly had it coming, after all those years of putting you down and acting better than you. He didn't turn into dust, so he can't be dead, probably just a little hurt. Noelle was the one who did this, anyways, so its not your fault.
Its almost enough to make yourself feel better.
You feel relieved when Ralsei and Susie join back up with you. They do a much better job of distracting you from what just happened.
You're so happy when Susie insists on following you around for what remains of the afternoon. You're a little too shook up still from everything that happened today, a little too scared of the notion of being left alone with yourself.
The SOUL drags your body around town, leering oddly at your neighbors, but its violent impulses seem to have fizzled out. It does do something weird, however, something you noticed it doing yesterday, too, now that you think about it--it reacts, and sometimes speaks with, certain people around town as though it knows them already. But the people it acts like this around are so varied, it doesn't make sense: the cashier at the grocery store who just moved to town the other day, the giant octopus monster in the lake who didn't even know their own name, several of your classmates who you've known for practically your entire life. It can't have met them before, that can't be right, but what is unmistakably the feeling of recognition stirs in your chest as it interacts with them, all the same.
You can't figure out what it wants. It doesn't seem to have any animosity towards them. If anything, it appears happy to see them again.
Eventually, its had enough of wandering around, and it takes you home. You feel the hair on the back of your neck stand on end as it slowly turns its unreliable gaze towards your mother.
But, actually... you can't sense any hostility from the SOUL this time, either. Before, it looked around at people... hungrily. Like it was starving. Not realizing what kind of hunger that really was, you thought maybe you could satisfy it by feeding it the rest of the pie, or something. And honestly, you kinda wanted to go back for seconds, too.
That's not what it was hungry for, though. Not at all. You were stupid to think it'd be that simple.
Your mother looks back at you with nothing but kindness in her eyes, just like she always does, and tells you to go wash your hands so you can help her and Susie with the pie. Of course she doesn't suspect anything. No matter what you've done, no matter what darkness lurks in your heart, your mother has never seen you as anything other than her child, who she loves unconditionally. That's just the kind of person she is.
You walk into the restroom, and stare into the mirror. You have never been able to look at yourself the way she looks at you. Much less now, with something alien and foreign lurking just under your skin, playing with you like a toy.
You're not sure what will happen with just the three of you left in this secluded house, just your mother, your demon, and you, if the SOUL gets hungry again. At least right now, Susie is here. She wouldn't hesitate to kick your ass for you if it tried to pull another stunt, here in your own home.
You have an idea. A good one. One that keeps Susie here, keeps everyone safe, keeps the collateral damage to a minimum.
You slam the SOUL shut under the sink, and slide open the restroom window. This'll only take a minute. It shouldn't be able to get loose in that amount of time. You've got everything under control.
You feel like you've grown stronger.
You're laying on the couch, pretending to sleep, trying to figure out what you're going to do next. You're thankful that Susie is here, asleep next to you, snoring away without a care in the world. You've come to trust her a lot in a very short time, you realize. More than you trust Ralsei, in any case. You didn't miss the way he kept staring at you today, after Noelle left, like he knew something about you, but for whatever reason didn't want to directly acknowledge it. In that world full of pretend and make believe, Ralsei might be the fakest thing of all.
But Susie is real, and you can rely on her. If you were just a little stronger... you wouldn't have to rely on anyone. You could keep this whole thing under wraps, all on your own. No one would have to know. No one would have to worry about you. No one would have to get hurt.
Birdly doesn't count, you remind yourself. He's not dust, so he's not dead. Probably the only thing that got hurt was his stupid pride. He was probably just faking being asleep, too--didn't have the guts to face you after his precious Noelle choose to listen to lowly little you instead of high and mighty him.
Yeah...
Yeah, that's definitely what happened.
You spend a lot of time thinking, sitting there on the couch. The puppet had said something, something that stuck with you, even through everything else that had happened today.
"Do you want to be a heart on a chain your whole life?"
It only stood out to you, because you realized that that's exactly how you're treating the SOUL: something to be kept on a leash. Its a little sad, when you put it that way, isn't it? This entire time, you realize you never actually thought of it as a person. Just a... thing.
It's ironic. You know what its like, to feel lesser than. For most of your life, you've thought of yourself as irredeemable, doomed, a ticking time bomb, an imminent danger to those around you. You've long held the belief that you are somehow the worst person in the world, the scum of the earth, and now... now you know first-hand that that's not actually true.
You never understood why your perfect family bothered to put up with such a messed up kid. Why a bunch of good, God-fearing people would want to keep around the freaky outsider who's messed up in the head, who everyone knows can't control themselves, who couldn't act normal if their life depended on it. You kinda understand it now, you think. Its nice to have someone worse around, someone you can look at and say, 'Well, at least I'm better than that.' Its easy to prop yourself up, when there's someone else beneath you.
In a way... maybe you should be thankful, for getting to meet someone as awful as this? For once, you get to feel like you're not such a terrible person, in comparison. It feels nice. And if someone like you can be a good person, then maybe, eventually, if you're able to buy enough time, the SOUL might even... get better. Susie was violent at first too, wasn't she? She used to lash out at everyone at school for no reason at all, but after only a few days she's become totally different. She sets a good example. Maybe you could set a good example, too.
Ha, imagine, you, a role model! Its a nice thought. Makes you feel important. No wonder Asriel always let you tag along with him.
You never used to believe it, that even the worst person could change. But a lot has happened over the past couple of days. Who knows?
Anything could happen.
Maybe. For now, you think, if it wants you to start treating it like a person, it should maybe try acting like one.
Until then, you need to keep everyone safe, keep everyone ignorant. You need to keep the SOUL occupied, at least until you can come up with a better plan. You need to create another dark world.
Its a bit of a thrill to realize that you have the power to make all these things happen. That you're still the one in control here... no, not just that--you're actually more in control than you've ever been. You're not like Noelle; you're not scared of the voice in your head, and you sure as hell don't let it tell you what to do. You're the hero of your own story. And you know what? That feels good. It feels like you're doing something good, like you're good. You've never felt that way before. You don't want to let it go.
Queen made it sound like it would take a special lightner to pull it off. That only someone with a phenomenal amount of determination could bring forth a fountain. But you find that sinking your knife into the ground is one of the easiest things you've ever done.
You feel like you've grown stronger.