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“I have always felt,” Sougo told Banri, “That I’ve been standing on the precipice of the end – and that all it would take is one stiff wind to throw me into the darkness.”
Sougo sat on a small bench. He looked up at the sky, eyes seeing what they shouldn’t. Beyond cityscapes and skyscrapers, every star in the universe shone with so much detail, colours of blues and greens, oranges—teals and lilacs—yellows, and reds. It was as though all the light pollution in the world was gone, and Sougo could see beyond. He sat, ignoring the frozen feeling in his fingertips, as every star in the sky—
It was cold now.
It was dark now.
The world itself was freezing over.
He brought frosted fingertips to his mouth and tried to blow hot air on them.
He’s not waking up, came one voice.
Another, A coma?
We’ll see with time.
Sougo’s eyes softened. It was fine. This was the same it was every night. The freezing darkness. Every star would show up in the sky and—one by one—they would burn out. As each star disappeared from the sky, it grew darker and darker. Being at the precipice of the end, Sougo felt a thickness in his chest.
Because after every star burned out, so would the sun.
The world would then be plunged into freezing darkness.
But Sougo knew he would wake up—
Sougo always woke up from the nightmare—
Sougo felt ice flow inside his veins, now. It didn’t usually get this far. His eyebrows furrowed. He, uselessly, tried to blow hot air onto his fingers. The coat and beanie he wore were doing little to shield him against the end of all existence.
Sougo wondered if this time he wouldn’t wake up… Was tonight the night he died? Sougo breathed deep, even if it put freezing darkness in his lungs. It was the same every night.
At last, the sun burned out.
Eight minutes, Sougo told himself. It takes the light from the sun eight minutes to reach earth—meaning the sun was already gone as he watched it die.
What, came a voice, can we do…?
Let’s… let’s keep our spirits up.
Sougo stared at the sky. Every star was gone now. It was just darkness. He could no longer see the cityscape nor the skyscrapers. A curtain of black was pooling over the world as all of light began to die.
Sougo closed his eyes, seeing no difference.
Other people were able to dream of cars and tornadoes, of that one friend from kindergarten, of the meat shop down the street—but Sougo was forced to live this. For eight hours he would feel every second of this nightmare, every night of his life.
It became colder than usual.
Sougo’s throat tightened. His eyes opened.
As the last of the light faded… the world itself froze to ice.
Stargazer’s Promise
Sougo’s eyes snapped open. He was sitting. He was shaking. Shaking? The lull of public transit, of the bullet trains, reminded him where he was. His hands were warm. There was a cup of coffee in his hand. He blinked as he stared at it. Decaf. Sougo continued to stare at it. Decaffeinated coffee wasn’t popular in Japan, but there was one place—and if he had gone there, then—
His ‘pillow’ shifted slightly.
Sougo raised his head—knowing his hair was flat on the one side he had been leaning on—
“Sou-chan,” Tamaki spoke quietly.
Sougo stiffened. He straightened his spine and quickly ran his hand through the hair that had been leaning on Tamaki. “I’m. Ah, sorry.” He refused to look at Tamaki, only looking forward. “How long…?”
“Wasn’t long,” Tamaki mumbled.
Sougo couldn’t tell if it was a lie. He shot Tamaki a quick glance, seeing his empty king pudding cup, and the fact Tamaki also seemed to be avoiding eye contact. Right. Sougo’s chest squeezed. He sipped his drink, warm – if not a bit acidic. After drinking, he let out a warm noise. “Thank you.”
Tamaki shrugged.
It was a year now that they’ve been working together. Mezzo. MEZZO”. Mezzo Forte, Mezzo Piano – a dance of dynamics, sounds that reverberated together, harmonised. It was true, their voices harmonised.
But.
Sougo shot Tamaki a quick look.
They had nothing to talk about.
It was a year now that they’ve been working together, and they had nothing to talk about.
They never had anything to talk about.
“Sou-chan,” Tamaki’s voice was distant, disinterested, disheartened, “Our stop is next.”
Sougo smiled. “Good.”
Returning home, the walk was in silence.
It was a year now—
Sougo shook those thoughts away.
“Welcome home!” Riku’s voice came from down the hall as they stepped in.
Sougo dipped his head. “Thank you.”
Tamaki yawned loudly.
Yamato had been walking by when he glanced over. “Tired?”
“Mhm.” Tamaki gave a sleepy noise as he took off his shoes. “We have running tomorrow… we should sleep.”
Sougo nodded. “Yes.”
Tamaki was already walking down the hall, chatting with Yamato—his voice became louder as he talked about his day. His voice had notes to them, as he discussed the work at the TV Station.
Sougo couldn’t help but notice Tamaki wasn’t so tired all of a sudden.
Sougo just sighed.
He wanted to go to the kitchen for a bit, just exist anywhere but his room; however, when he got there, Iori and Riku were having some debate that Sougo felt he would intrude on. He turned around and went to his room, finishing his coffee and tossing it in the small waste bin.
As he closed the door behind him, he could still hear sounds.
The sound of Cocona doing her magical attack, Tamaki and Nagi cheering, Mitsuki yelling at them to be quiet, Yamato egging them on, and from the kitchen Riku and Iori argued together.
Sougo thought of Tamaki, how tired he looked when he had to spend time with Sougo.
Sougo couldn’t help but smile—the fake smile he had worn to his uncle’s funeral, when he couldn’t defend him, just as he couldn’t defend himself now.
He lowered his head.
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
Sougo hated feeling like he was holding anyone back. Honestly, if Tamaki hadn’t insisted they run together, Sougo would’ve let Tamaki do it alone. It was obvious Sougo couldn’t keep up and that Tamaki was slowing himself down.
Tamaki went running to burn off energy, to get his body moving, to do something fun as he described it.
Sougo couldn’t help but notice Tamaki didn’t look like he was having fun as they ran together.
“Wanna slow down?”
“It’s f-fine!”
“Sou-chan, you’re breathing like Rikkun.”
“That’s not—” Sougo took a breath. “—funny.”
“How are things going?” Banri asked.
“It’s… functional,” Sougo admitted.
Sougo just didn’t have the stamina for this.
“Functional…?”
“We work well together, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Sougo.” Banri eyed him. “Do you… not like working with Tamaki-kun?”
“I do, actually.”
Tamaki kept running.
Sougo watched his form. He was hard working, strong, fit. He could dance in a way that created music without singing.
Tamaki wasn’t like Sougo.
Sougo’s body wasn’t the strongest, and he had a history of being slightly anemic if anything.
“Tell me, then,” Banri pressed, “What is it?”
“It’s just. The truth is…” Sougo couldn’t help but laugh. “I think Tamaki would rather be with anyone else. I’m just the one he’s stuck with.”
Mezzo was just a brand they created to promote Takanashi Productions, to promote Ainana. It had led to them having incredible opportunities, working on music that helped them stand out. They both grew, and Sougo was so so grateful, but the truth was Tamaki—
“Tamaki-kun would be happier, Banri-san, if he worked with the others more.”
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
Sougo had been gardening when he noticed Tamaki coming home. They looked at each other and sighed. They both knew time was ticking. They took turns showering, getting changed, and they walked together to their next job. “Tamaki-kun.” He looked at him. “How was your day?”
“Ah, we’re learning about the solar system and stuff. Iorrin ended up correcting the teacher and—”
Sougo listened. Sougo listened to every drop, like every choreographed step of their next song, like every note to their next song, like he was collecting every drop of rain. He wanted to commit it to memory, find all the things, learn everything about Tamaki.
“Sou-chan.”
Sougo blinked. “Yeah?”
“We’re gonna be early.” Tamaki was looking at his phone for the time. “Wanna grab food?”
“Food?” Sougo’s expression softened. “You know I don’t like to eat before—”
“It’s just radio,” Tamaki pointed out. “You don’t like eating before we dance or sing, but radio should be fine, yeah?”
Sougo thought about it and smiled. “You’re right. What should we get?”
“Beef bowls!”
Sitting across from each other, Sougo was thankful there was no one around to take pictures of them. He felt so embarrassed when fans took pictures of their ‘dates’. (He just hoped Tamaki didn’t mind—Sougo could imagine that being with the one member of Ainana he liked the least and it being mislabelled as a ‘date’ would be frustrating.)
“You eat too many veggies.” Tamaki grabbed some of his beef with his chopsticks. “Here!”
“T-Tamaki-kun!”
“I ordered extra meat, so I don’t mind sharing!”
“I like veggies!” Sougo grit his teeth. “Meat feels too heavy. And the sauce is different.”
“It’s good for you, Sou-chan!”
Sougo glared and clicked his tongue. “Taa-kun!”
Tamaki almost dropped some of the meat on the table as he flinched.
Sougo’s eyes darkened. “Enough.”
Tamaki shivered and pulled himself back. “It’s not fair. Sou-chan argues about my health, but your health doesn’t matter.”
“Veggies are good for you—”
“We go running.” Tamaki scowled. “Sou-chan needs protein! At least ask for more mushrooms or tofu – but onions and snap peas and some sprouts isn’t enough.”
Sougo blinked. He shut his mouth.
“Sou-chan needs to focus on his health too…” Tamaki grabbed his bowl and picked up a piece of meat. “It’s good for you.”
Sougo pursed his lips, eyes falling to the table.
Another day, another job. They had no chemistry—only voices that harmonised without effort, vocal chords built so they didn’t have to cooperate. They had looks that complimented each other, so they didn’t have to focus on coordinating colours. Effortlessly, Sougo knew they had no chemistry. They could clash a million times, but the production of Mezzo never suffered.
On the way home, Sougo watched Tamaki text Riku about something or another.
Sougo could only watch.
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
The routine was monotonous.
Sougo would garden with what little time he had off—and Tamaki would ignore him as he entered the home.
The days would blur together.
“It wasn’t bad, per se,” a director was saying, “But you need to say it with more… I don’t know, ah, I can’t describe it. It’s just missing something.”
“I’m sorry.” Sougo dipped his head. “I hope we don’t have to redo the scene just for this line…”
“Nah, nah, the rest was perfect.” The director smiled. “It’s just the last line of the scene. Let’s try one more time.”
Sougo took a deep breath. He could feel Tamaki’s eyes on him. Was he judging him? For being unable to say the line? He looked up.
The actress across from him was playing Sougo’s wife, a woman who was careless and evil—even if the actress herself was one of the kindest people Sougo had ever met.
Sougo was tired of so many faces, lies.
Tamaki watched from the sidelines.
Sougo tried—tried the lines, over and over, but…
“Cut. Let’s try the other scenes,” the director said. “No worries, Osaka-kun, it’s a tough scene! Maybe we work on other scenes while you can think about this one.”
Sougo dipped his head politely. “Thank you for the opportunity to correct myself.”
They finished for the day.
“Sou-chan.” Tamaki looked at him. “Let’s get you coffee.”
Sougo looked up. “Ah… I’m not really in the mood today.”
“No? But the little old lady—”
“We can stop by and get you king puddings if you want?”
Tamaki’s eyes softened as he glanced away. “Nah, it’s fine.”
When they got home, it was more of the same.
“Sou, you look tired,” Yamato said as he put a cup of green tea in front of Sougo.
Sougo blinked. “Thank you.” He couldn’t help but smile. “It’s just a busy schedule.”
Yamato gave him an odd look. “Is that it?”
“Why do you ask?” Sougo couldn’t lie and say no, but at least this way… “Are you concerned about something, Yamato-san?”
“No.” Yamato smiled. “You just seem a bit off. You’re… easy as a book sometimes, and so, so hard to read other times, Sou.”
“Ah. Sorry…”
Yamato kept eyeing him.
Sougo took the cup of tea to distract himself. He knew if Yamato kept staring he’d eventually crack like an egg and spill himself as ungracefully as one too, yellow yolk bleeding everywhere, sticky and hard to clean up. “Yamato-san.” He blinked. “Is there anything else, or…?”
“You and Tama.” Yamato pursed his lips. “Schedule for next month came out. You’ve got the same day off as he does next week.”
“Was he… excited? To have a day off with me?”
Yamato’s eyebrows softened and he pursed his lips.
If Sougo allowed himself to be petty, he would have snapped a ‘knew it’. Instead, he just imagined a version of himself that could be that brave. Instead, he forced a smile. “You can be honest with me, Yamato-san.”
“Well… if you say so. He scrunched up his face like a used napkin. It was kinda funny to see… I mean, well, probably not for you, but.”
“I see.” Sougo relaxed. “That’s what you were worried about then.” He put his green tea down and stood up. “I’ll go talk to him then.”
Yamato’s shoulders tensed. “Wait!”
But Sougo had already stepped out of the kitchen, into the hall. He knew he wasn’t Tamaki’s choice. Hell, he knew he was Tamaki’s seventh choice out of everyone here—Tamaki would rather choose himself than choose Sougo. Hell, Tamaki would start choosing people from Trigger before he chose Sougo—He knocked firmly on the door.
“Ha?”
“It’s Sougo.”
“A-Ah, come in! Don’t break the door down!”
“That was only once,” Sougo complained as he opened the door. “Tamaki-kun.” He stared at Tamaki, who was playing a game on his phone as he sat on his bed. “We don’t have to spend our day off together if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to feel pressured.”
Tamaki looked up, and Sougo could hear the sound of him losing his combo.
Usually Tamaki would yell.
Instead, Tamaki only stared at him.
Sougo forced another smile. “You see me every day, so I understand if you’d rather spend it doing something else.”
“Uh…” Tamaki bit his lip. “Um. There’s. There’s a place.”
“A… place?”
“There’s… a place I want to take Sou-chan. In the evening—late evening. Like night time.”
Sougo blinked. “There is?”
“Well, you like stars… and at school we were talking about…” Tamaki ignored the sound of his phone telling he had a game over. “Just dress warm, okay?”
“Oh.” Sougo blinked. “Okay.”
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
Sougo’s eyes softened. It was fine. This was the same it was every night. The freezing darkness. Every star would show up in the sky and—one by one—they would burn out. As each star disappeared from the sky, it grew darker and darker. Being at the precipice of the end, Sougo felt a thickness in his chest.
Because after every star burned out, so would the sun.
The world would then be plunged into freezing darkness.
But Sougo knew he would wake up—
Sougo always woke up from the nightmare—
Other people were able to dream of cars and tornadoes, of that one friend from kindergarten, of the meat shop down the street—but Sougo was forced to live this. For eight hours he would feel every second of this nightmare, every night of his life.
Each star blacked out, one by one.
Soon, the sun too would disappear.
Sougo always hoped he woke up before then.
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
“Are you sleeping well?” Sougo asked as he passed Tamaki in the kitchen. “Are you eating?”
“Ah…” Tamaki looked up, having to think about it. “I haven’t had dinner I don’t think?”
Sougo grabbed a pan. “I’ll cook you someth—”
“No!” Tamaki grabbed Sougo’s wrist. “I’m good.”
“Oh.” Sougo blinked. “Okay… but you haven’t eaten?”
“Hungry?” Mitsuki’s voice called out from across the room. “Want me to make you something, Ta-ma-ki~?”
Tamaki perked up. “Like what?”
Sougo blinked. He watched Mitsuki and Tamaki discuss food—mostly Mitsuki telling Tamaki no he could not have two steaks for dinner, and they didn’t even have steaks in the fridge—but he put his own pan back and stepped away. He moved to one of the couches by the television and sat there. He forced a little smile and grabbed his earbuds, popping them in. He let the slow, dulcet tones of Douglas Rootbank drown everything out.
Tell me, Douglas Rootbank’s voice sang, Why have I never felt love?
“S—g–”
Sougo looked up.
Tamaki was standing over him, mouth moving.
Sougo popped his earbuds out. “Sorry, what?”
“Um.” Tamaki glared. He had a bowl of yesterday’s rice fried with some veggies and egg in one hand. His other hand had a notebook. He stood, almost awkwardly, over Sougo. “You’re, uh. You’re good with stars so…”
“Yes…?” Sougo’s eyes softened. “Oh, I remember Iori-kun said you might fail the test tomorrow… He offered to study with you.”
“I won’t fail!” Tamaki glared. “I just get, um. You know.”
Sougo honestly wished Tamaki would stop standing over him like that. Why couldn’t Tamaki just take a seat and look at him normally. Why did Tamaki have to—
“I get nervous,” Tamaki muttered. “Exams make me feel dumb, even if I know the answers. My head feels all messed up! I wanted to do something about that.”
Sougo’s eyes softened. “How can I help?”
“Remember when you put a spell on me so I wouldn’t be scared? Could you do that again tomorrow?”
Sougo smiled. “Sure.”
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
When morning came, Sougo had been delicately frying two eggs in chilli oil that he was excited to eat over some rice. He made a bit of mayo, with his hot sauce, and was excited to break the yolk and let it pour over the rice. The rice would absorb the spice and—
“Yotsuba-san,” Iori’s voice came from behind him, “We need to be going soon if we want to get there five minutes early.”
“Ahh!” Tamaki was ruffling his hair. “Sou!”
Sougo perked up. He looked over his shoulder.
Tamaki walked over. “I need your spell.”
“Did you eat?” Sougo eyed him. “You can’t take a test on an empty stomach. Empty stomach—”
“—is an empty brain, yeah yeah you told me.” Tamaki pouted. “Sou-chan I already ate! I had four king puddings to get me ready for this test! But I need your magic spell.”
Sougo moved his eggs off the heat so they wouldn’t overcook and turned to him. “Unease, unease, go away please.” He waved his hands over Tamaki. “All of your fear, is now all clear.”
“Yes!” Tamaki pumped a fist to his chest. “I’m gonna do so good!”
“Good luck.” Sougo smiled. “Tell me how your day went when you come back.”
“The bond of such friendship!” Nagi’s sleepy voice rang out as he watched Tamaki leave. “Mezzo is amazing!”
“Ah.” Sougo stared at him.
Nagi’s eyes seemed awake. “Sougo, do you not see the bond between you two? He comes to you in his hour of need.”
“Hour of need,” Sougo repeated to himself.
“Tell me, then,” Banri pressed, “What is it?”
“It’s just. The truth is…” Sougo couldn’t help but laugh. “I think Tamaki would rather be with anyone else. I’m just the one he’s stuck with. Tamaki would be happier, Ban-san, if he worked with the others more.”
“Sougo—”
“He’s stuck with me.” Sougo forced a smile. “I bore him. I annoy him. I’m not his friend, I’m just an adult he’s living with… I honestly just. I feel bad for him… that he has to spend so much time with me.”
“You balance him, Sougo.”
“It’s annoying to have someone balance you,” Sougo whispered. “Balance isn’t fun, and Tamaki wants to have fun when he dances. I’m… boring. It doesn’t matter if it’s ramen with Yamato, or talking to Riku, or even going to school with Iori—Tamaki knows how to make it fun. But he just… he doesn’t have fun with me. I just… I wish…”
~~~
“Why!?” Sougo’s throat went raw, “Why the fuck do you get along so well with everyone else!?” His hand moved fast—hitting the table and sending papers scattering. “Why don’t you ever just look at me!? Why do you always come to me when you need something!?—Why can’t I be someone you come to just because you want to!? What the fuck is wrong with me!?”
“Cut!”
Sougo reeled back. He put his hand to his mouth. “F-Forgive me—”
“No, no!” The director clapped his hands. “I liked the swearing! Your character is such a goody two-shoes that it comes off really well! I liked hitting the papers. Let’s get some close ups of that to cut in between. And—”
Tamaki was staring at him from the far wall.
Sougo avoided his eyes. He turned to the actress. “I-I’m so sorry. That outburst was—”
“It was amazing,” she said with a smile. She put a hand over her heart. “It honestly scared me.”
“I’m—” Sougo felt his throat tighten.
“No, no!” She raised both hands. “In a good way! I’m sure it’ll look good.”
“It does,” the director called out. “Hell we don’t even need a second shot of this! I didn’t know you could explode like that Osaka-kun!”
“Ah…”
Tamaki gave a nervous laugh. “Sou-chan has a scary side…”
There were a few curious looks.
“I don’t have a scary side.” Sougo pouted. “I just… got a bit heated when someone was trying to hurt you. Please don’t bring that up.”
There were a few more shots filmed, but that was it for the day.
“Let’s get Sou-chan some coffee.”
Sougo rolled his eyes. “I can’t always buy you king puddings…”
He bought Tamaki a king pudding.
The little old lady ran a small store by the filming station. The king puddings were in a small refrigerated section in the corner, while Sougo always grabbed a decaffeinated coffee from the machine.
It was a year now that they’ve been working together, and they had nothing to talk about.
They took the bullet train home together.
Sougo noticed Tamaki’s posture, wanting to say something, but he looked away. Honestly, Sougo just wanted to hide. Stop nitpicking, stop chastising, it was no wonder Tamaki would prefer to be with literally anyone else. Hell, he even wondered if Tamaki would rather be with Kujou than—
“Tomorrow,” Tamaki whispered. “It’s our day off.”
Sougo perked up. “Yes.”
The conversation ended there.
That night, it was every night. The freezing darkness. Every star would show up in the sky and—one by one—they would burn out. As each star disappeared from the sky, it grew darker and darker. Being at the precipice of the end, Sougo felt a thickness in his chest.
But Sougo knew he would wake up before the sun burned out.
Sougo always woke up before he teetered off the precipice of the end.
Each star blacked out, one by one.
Soon, the sun too would disappear.
His dreams were getting colder, too.
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
“You seem so tired,” Riku pointed out. “Did you have a bad dream?”
“Uh.” Sougo blinked. He had been in the middle of dusting the house when Riku had approached him. “No, Tamaki just wanted to go running this morning… even though he woke up at eleven. Just regular dreams. What about you?”
“Oh, I had this weird dream! Tenn-nii was there, but he was known as Tornado-nii, and I was dreaming about being in a car with Aka-chan—ah, a friend from kindergarten that I completely forgot about—and Tornado-nii hit the meat shop down the street—”
“That.” Sougo smiled. “It sounds wonderful.”
“Eh?” Riku blinked. “It was really scary, actually.”
“Still, your mind has a big imagination.” Sougo smiled. His eyes softened. “It would be a sign of no creativity if you dreamed the same dream every night, for twenty years…”
Riku smiled. “Yeah, I guess that’s true!”
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
“So… it’s a park?” Sougo whispered, blankly. “Did we… travel for two hours to get to a park?”
“Here should be good.” Tamaki plopped down and began grabbing things out of his backpack, the rustling was loud.
“I can’t see,” Sougo muttered. He noticed other people were at this big field, but he didn’t understand why. “I can’t use my phone as a flashlight?”
“Nope.” All things considered, Tamaki sounded happy. “Come here. I got a quilt so we don’t have to sit on the grass.”
Sougo could barely make out Tamaki’s shape, but he took his shoes off and stepped on the quilt. He took a seat. “I don’t get it.”
“One sec!” Tamaki sat too and dug out of his backpack. “I packed lots of things, Sou-chan. I got blankets if we get cold. And there’s snacks! Puddings. And, well, stuff for you.” He offered Sougo a little bento box.
Sougo took it and opened it. He couldn’t see well, but he could smell it. “Deep fried jalapenos?”
“Yeah, aha.” Tamaki made a small noise. “There’s, you know, three parts of that bento box for different foods… but they’re all just peppers for you.”
Sougo blinked. “Why?”
“If you wanna leave early we can, but um. We’re supposed to stay for a while. To enjoy it.”
“Enjoy what?”
There was a hoot from another person several meters away.
Tamaki said, “Look up.”
Sougo blinked, and looked up at the sky. It was like his eyes were seeing what they shouldn’t. The stars of the universe shone with so much detail, colours of blues and greens, oranges—teals and lilacs—yellows, and reds. “It’s beautiful… Tamaki-kun—”
“Not that. You’ll see.”
Sougo blinked. “What is it?”
“Well, they uh. They say it takes twenty minutes for your eyes to get used to it.”
“I can see it.” Sougo pointed up. “That’s Castor. That one is Pollux. The twins. They create the stems of Gemini. They… always blink out at the same time in my dreams.”
“Huh?”
“And—”
A streak of white crossed the sky.
Sougo opened his mouth to speak, but another. And then another.
Then nothing.
For a moment, Sougo wondered if he had imagined it.
“Shooting stars!” Tamaki said with a laugh. “Well, no. They’re uh… meteor showers, technically?”
Sougo turned to him, though he couldn’t read Tamaki’s face in the dark. He could tell Tamaki was looking at him.
“There!”
Sougo looked up.
Several meteors streaked the dark sky together, beams of hot white along the freezing darkness. Defiant, in their light.
“It’s a… well it has a funny name, I can’t remember it—”
“The Géminid meteor showers,” Sougo recited, “A phenomenon that occurs yearly during the cold months. Compared to the other routine meteor showers, it’s considered one of the bigger ones.”
“Yeah, that!” Tamaki moved in the darkness, wiggling back and forth. “They say you can see up to fifty in an hour!”
Sougo watched more streak by.
The meteors would streak by together in tandem or in succession, and then there would be a lull.
It happened in a cycle.
“We…” Tamaki’s voice hit a nervous trill, “Can stay as long as you want, okay?”
Sougo whispered, “Okay.”
More streaked by.
Sougo watched them go. When he wasn’t staring at the meteors, he admired the stars. It was cold, but a different kind of cold. He was glad he dressed warm. “It’s such a shame.”
Tamaki turned to him. “What is?”
Sougo’s eyes had adjusted, and he could see Tamaki now, painted by all the softest colours in the universe. “So many of the smaller stars we see are long gone, Tamaki-kun. By the time the light of their beauty reaches us, the stars are dead.”
“Stars… die?”
“They collapse on themselves when they run out of fuel, and form a nebula. They release all the stardust inside them and it spreads through the universe. Those molecules come together and new stars are formed in time.”
“So like… how big is a star…?”
Sougo turned to Tamaki. “Tamaki-kun. You know our sun is a star, right?”
“Oh.” Tamaki looked Sougo in the eyes. “I don’t think I did very well on that test then.”
“Tamaki-kun!”
“Hey, but!” Tamaki laughed. “I wasn’t nervous! Not at all.”
“It’s good to be a little nervous sometimes!”
Tamaki laughed.
Sougo felt his chest both squeeze and soften at the sound of those tones. He pulled his knees up and hugged them. For once—just once—he didn’t want to think about how everyone else in Ainana, even the Manager, even Ban-san, had heard and made Tamaki laugh more times than he ever has. For once, he just wanted to exist, and listen to each tone and peel of laughter from Tamaki.
And a part of him wondered, if he heard Tamaki laugh every day, wouldn’t that be a life worth living?
Tamaki eventually looked back up at the stars.
Sougo leaned into his hugged knees as he eyed Tamaki, watching the light of burning stars and streaking meteors shine on Tamaki’s eyes.
“Wow,” Tamaki whispered.
Sougo couldn’t help but smile.
“Sou-chan.” Tamaki was still looking up. “I’m sorry I talk too much.”
Sougo lifted his head. “Wh… huh?”
“We have snacks! And juice boxes, water.” Tamaki turned to look at him. “Don’t forget!”
“Oh.” Sougo grabbed his container of fried jalapenos, and heard the tell-tale sound of a spoon digging into king pudding. He bit into one of the fried jalapenos and smiled. “These are good. Most people deseed them, since apparently they’re bitter and spicy? The seeds I mean, but I like how these ones kept the seeds.”
“Yeah, I asked Mikki to—Ah.”
Sougo glanced at him. “You…”
Tamaki avoided eye contact. “I, uh. You always complain that the jalapeno chips aren’t spicy enough. I know there’s only one brand for them so… I asked Mikki if he could make some homemade ones for you. Extra spicy.”
Sougo turned his eyes up to the sky. He popped another one in his mouth and smiled. “They’re delicious. Thank you.”
They stared at the sky for hours.
Neither of them wanted to look at their phones for the time, as even one glance of light would make it hard to see the stars for a while.
“We’re so insignificant,” Sougo whispered. “One day… all of this could just black out. It’ll be a real blackout. If the sun disappears… everything could end in a single day.”
Tamaki glanced over. “Sou-chan…?”
“Sougo, Tamaki. Mezzo.” Sougo stared at the sky. “Ainana. Takanashi Productions. The city, the prefect. Japan. The world. The sun. The solar system. It’s sad… because one day this could just disappear.”
Tamaki said nothing.
Sougo smiled. “You don’t think so?”
“Sou-chan talks a lot when we look at stars.” Tamaki nodded firmly. “I should bring Sou-chan to see the stars more often.”
“I… don’t talk?”
“The peak is at two in the morning. We can stay up if you want.”
Sougo smiled. “Tamaki-kun. I asked a question.”
“Sou-chan… talks. But Sou-chan asks a lot of questions. Sou-chan asks, ‘Tamaki-kun, are you eating?’ and he asks ‘Tamaki-kun, are you sleeping well?’ and when I come home from school, or a job, Sou-chan asks me how my day goes.”
Sougo saw the reflection of a quick blur—maybe five or six meteors together—in Tamaki’s eyes but he couldn’t look away.
“Sou-chan is… um. Sou-chan is, kind.” Tamaki watched each meteor fly by. “I like it. I like it when Sou-chan asks me. Sou-chan wants Tamaki-kun to talk about Tamaki-kun. Sou-chan… never talks about Sou-chan, though.”
“Oh.”
“And I think it would only be sad,” Tamaki went on, “For people left behind. If things just disappeared, I mean. If all of Japan disappeared then… I don’t know. But if all the king pudding disappeared I would be sad. If Mezzo disappeared, our friends in Ainana would be sad. If I disappeared… Aya would be sad.”
Sougo nodded.
“But I wouldn’t be sad if I disappeared… because I know Sou-chan is here. Sou-chan would find Aya, and make sure Aya is okay even if I’m gone. Sou-chan is reliable that way.”
“Hm.” Sougo pressed his chin against his drawn up knees. “I would be sad. If you disappeared. I would be sad too, if Mezzo disappeared. If Ainana disappeared. I would be really sad. Tamaki-kun… if I disappeared one day—”
“Don’t do that.”
Sougo looked at him.
Tamaki’s eyes were firm on him. “Promise me.”
Sougo’s chest tightened.
“Mezzo isn’t Mezzo without Mezzo Forte.” Tamaki looked up. “Like how Gemini isn’t Gemini… without Castor and… uh…”
“Pollux.”
“So… promise me, Sou-chan.”
“I promise, Tamaki-kun.”
How many hours passed?
Sougo could feel the weight of his eyelids and it almost lulled him into closing his eyes—until he saw new colours streak the sky. “Tamaki-kun… what is that?”
Tamaki laughed.
Sougo raised his head. “Huh?”
“Sou-chan, that’s the sun.”
“The—” Sougo blinked. “A-Ah! How long have we been—”
“Aw c’mon. Just watch.” Tamaki’s face was coloured by twilight and he was grinning even with sleepy eyes. “Ah, I forgot what you looked like Sou-chan.”
Sougo let out the quietest little giggle in his tired delirium. “Everyone’s gonna get so mad at us.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Tamaki shrugged. “We’re gonna get yelled at either way, so let’s at least watch the sun come up. You know, Sou-chan, the sun is also a star.”
Sougo let laughter spill from his lips. He leaned back and smiled, watching.
The streaks of teal twilight blended into lilac. Those strong streaks of lilac blurred into the sunrise until it was almost too bright to bare.
“Tamaki-kun.” Sougo glanced to their blanket, covered by empty juice boxes and king pudding cups, bits of jalapeno chips… “Thank you for this.”
Tamaki’s face was bathed in pink and orange hues as he smiled. “Let’s grab you coffee on our way home.”
Sougo didn’t sleep on the bullet train—but he pressed his forehead against Tamaki’s shoulder and just felt his warmth. He definitely pretended to sleep, just to take in the scent of Tamaki.
“We!” Riku yelled as he opened the door, “Thought you died!”
Tamaki blinked. “Ah…”
Sougo dipped his head. “I’m sorry…”
“Riku thought you died,” Iori corrected. “The rest of us were not concerned.”
“What?” Riku turned around. “But everyone was saying that someone kidnapped them and took them to a dirty motel for the night!”
“That!” Mitsuki snickered. “That is not what we meant by them getting a hotel for the night!”
“Huh?” Riku stepped away from them. “Then what does it mean? Iori why are you looking at me like that?—No, don’t push me away! Explain it to me!”
Tamaki and Sougo stepped in.
Tamaki looked up. “Ah, Ban-chan!”
“Sorry…” Banri offered a smile. “There was a change of plans and I was in the area so I stopped by. You weren’t here.”
“I’m sorry.” Sougo bowed low. “We stayed up incredibly late. It was terribly irresponsible of us.”
“You haven’t slept?” Banri let out a small laugh. “Your day off was yesterday, so why didn’t you stay up the night before…? Oh well. The radio show called to say your slot—just for today—is going to be replaced by an all-day donation marathon. Otherwise you only have practice for today… but we can practice without you if you want to get some rest.”
Tamaki bowed his head. “This is my fault!”
Sougo bowed his head lower. “It’s our fault!”
“Ban-chan knows you’re too reliable for this! It’s my fault!”
“Tamaki-kun!”
Banri let out a little laugh. “I wanted to chat with you both, but I’ll come by in the evening if you guys are awake. Okay?”
Sougo raised his head. “Yes, sorry to trouble you…”
Tamaki did the same. “Sorry for the trouble…”
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
Sougo’s eyes softened. There was a cup of coffee in his hands this time. This was the same it was every night. The freezing darkness. Every star would show up in the sky and—one by one—they would burn out. As each star disappeared from the sky, it grew darker and darker.
Castor and Pollux were both shining bright.
Mezzo Forte.
Mezzo Piano.
A dynamic, a dance…
Being at the precipice of the end, Sougo felt a thickness in his chest.
Because after every star burned out, so would the sun.
The world would then be plunged into freezing darkness.
But Sougo knew he would wake up—
“Sougo-kun?”
Sougo’s eyes widened.
They were in his room, sitting at a low table.
“Sorry.” Sougo let out a small laugh as he rubbed the back of his head. “My sleep schedule is a bit messed up… I think I started drifting. I’m sorry – this is the first time I’ve invited you in, Banri-san.”
“I apologise for dropping this on you all of a sudden…” Banri offered a small smile. “Usually I would wait to do this properly, at the office, but I am expected to report on Mezzo by tomorrow morning.”
“That’s okay!” Sougo nodded firmly. “I’ll answer any questions you have.”
“How are things going?” Banri asked, eyes soft. He moved some hair out of his eyes.
“It’s…” Sougo couldn’t help but avoid eye contact. “Functional.”
“Functional…?”
“We work well together, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Sougo.” Banri eyed him. He took a deep breath as he examined Sougo. “Do you… not like working with Tamaki-kun?”
“Ah.” Sougo shook his head. “I do, actually.”
“Tell me, then.” Banri leaned forward. “What is it?”
“It’s just. The truth is…” Sougo couldn’t help but laugh. “I think Tamaki-kun would rather be with anyone else. I’m just the one he’s stuck with. Tamaki would be happier, Ban-san, if he worked with the others more.”
“Sougo—”
“He’s stuck with me.” Sougo forced a smile. His hands were shaking. “I bore him. I annoy him. I’m not his friend, I’m just an adult he’s living with… I honestly just. I feel bad for him… that he has to spend so much time with me.”
Banri’s eyes soften. “You balance him, Sougo.”
“It’s annoying to have someone balance you,” Sougo whispered. “Balance isn’t fun, and Tamaki wants to have fun when he dances. I’m… boring. It doesn’t matter if it’s ramen with Yamato, or talking to Riku, or even going to school with Iori—Tamaki knows how to make it fun. But he just… he doesn’t have fun with me. I just… I wish…”
Banri put his hands in his laps. “Tell me. What is bothering you? What’s the one thing that could change this?”
“I don’t think anything can change this. I… I’ve always felt this way.”
Banri couldn’t help but smile. “Explain it to me.”
Sougo looked up, a flash of fear in his lilac eyes, but he nodded. “I have always felt… That I’ve been standing on the precipice of the end – and that all it would take is one stiff wind to throw me into the darkness.” He put his hand to his chest. “They call me stable… they call me reliable… I help others, I help them feel stable… but I’m at the edge of this cliff, always on edge for what’s going to push me off. With Tamaki-kun… it feels like that edge is everywhere.”
Banri rubbed his hands together. “Do you want to continue Mezzo?”
“I…”
“You can tell me.”
“It’s… Do you know, the story…” Sougo bit his lip. “It’s the story of Castor and Pollux. They… When Castor died, Pollux—son of Zeus—begged his father for their souls to be together. A dynamic. A dance, forever. Zeus was so moved by his son’s compassion for Castor… that he took them both and put them in the sky. They are the two stars that make up the stems of Gemini.”
Banri smiled. “Together, forever.”
“Pollux asked for that. Castor didn’t.” Sougo’s eyes softened. “Sometimes I wonder… maybe Castor, son of man, was okay with living and dying mortal. Maybe Pollux was the inconvenience… and Castor had to live forever with someone he was stuck with.”
Banri’s eyes narrowed.
“Tamaki…” Sougo smiled. “He never wanted to be stuck with me. We never wanted Mezzo.” His eyes softened. “Don’t misunderstand me… it’s led to us having incredible opportunities… I get to work on songs, I found a way to stand out. We both grew, and I am so so grateful, but the truth is—”
“Sougo-kun,” Banri interjected. “I don’t think the situation is as you say it is.”
“Tamaki-kun says he doesn’t mind me, but I see it, Banri-san.” Sougo’s eyes hardened. “He’s exhausted when he’s with me, but suddenly he comes home and he can talk for hours with everyone else. He’s always texting everyone else, but never me. He’ll let Mitsuki cook for him, but—”
Banri raised his hand.
Sougo took a deep breath.
“Hm…” Banri closed his eyes. “What would Yuki do…?” His eyes snapped open and he glanced aside. He just whispered, “No,” and took another breath. “What would Momo do?” Nodding, he looked to Sougo. “I hate to say this, because I know you won’t like it—but you have to tell Tamaki these things.”
Sougo’s chest tightened. “No, I couldn’t—”
“Let’s say he hates you, or if he feels stuck with you.” Banri smiled. “It’s better if you talked about why, right?”
Being at the precipice of the end, Sougo felt a thickness in his chest.
“And let’s say he doesn’t feel that way…”
“I just don’t.” Sougo put his hand on the table. “I don’t want to hear him call me boring.”
“Sougo… you know you are pretty popular as an idol. A lot of people see something in you.”
“I understand the appeal,” Sougo assured, “However…”
“You don’t think Tamaki-kun does?”
“No.”
“Have you asked him why?” Banri tilted his head. “Asked him why he doesn’t see the appeal of talking to you?”
Sougo’s chest tightened.
“Forgive me.” Banri lowered his head more than he should have. “I’ll ask him to come talk to you some time tonight.”
“Banri-san—!”
“You’ve always been reliable for Takanashi Productions.” Banri looked up. “Just once, I hope you can be reliable for yourself and ask him honestly.”
Sougo’s eyes widened.
Banri grabbed his things and stood up. “My report can wait another day, I think.”
Sougo only sat and stared.
Banri left.
Sougo felt his knees shake. He tried to stand, but his legs wiggled like jelly. He walked over to his bed and crashed on it. He had already slept for hours after they had gotten home in the early morning… but he felt like if he closed his eyes for even a second he would be in that darkening cityscape. The same dream he always had, the image that had been haunting him since he first chose this path, since he chose music.
What did it even mean?
A muffled voice—“Sou-chan?”
Sougo looked up at the closed door. “Come in.”
Tamaki opened the door.
They stared at each other.
Sougo couldn’t move his legs. He could only sit on the edge of his bed. It was like he was at the precipice at the end. All it would take was… “Tamaki-kun.”
Tamaki closed the door behind him. He stepped closer and took a seat on the floor in front of Sougo. “Ban-chan said you wanted to talk to me…? He said you had a question for me.”
Sougo took a deep breath.
“You and I… we make up Mezzo.”
“Yeah.”
“Why…?”
Tamaki furrowed his brows. “Because… Mezzo is you and me?”
“No, I.” Sougo felt his chest squeeze. “Are you… happy with Mezzo?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
Tamaki’s face scrunched up like a used napkin. He tilted his head. “Are you not happy?”
Sougo looked into those eyes. “Tamaki-kun… I’m, I’m boring.”
Tamaki frowned. “I don’t understand this conversation.”
“What I’m saying, is. Um. Things are complex. There are changes, and because of situations—relating to power and politics and the industry—Mezzo was created for Ainana, and for us to debut. And because of contracts and deals that have been made—”
“I don’t care about that.” Tamaki’s frown didn’t disappear. “What is Sou-chan feeling?”
“I—”
“I’m serious.” Tamaki’s frown softened. “You have to be honest with me…”
Sougo stood up, despite his shaky legs. He sat on the floor, across from Tamaki, so close their knees were touching.
Tamaki’s eyes widened.
“Why…?” Sougo’s throat felt tight. “Why the fuck do you get along so well with everyone else…?” He leaned forward, looking at one of Tamaki’s eyes and then the other. “Why don’t you ever just look at me…? Why do you always come to me when you need something…? Why… can’t I be someone you come to just because you want to…? What the fuck is wrong with me…?”
Tamaki opened his mouth, trembling a little bit.
Sougo felt his vision blur. “You laugh with them… you invite them… I feel different from them. Out of all of them… I’m not your friend, am I? Why…?”
Tamaki looked down at his hands. “Sou-chan…”
“Answer me. I need to know.” Sougo smiled. “Take your time if you need to… but please tell me.”
Somewhere above them, beyond cityscapes and skyscrapers, every star in the universe shone with so much detail, colours of blues and greens, oranges—teals and lilacs—yellows, and reds.
Somewhere above them, meteor showers streaked white defiant against the dark sky.
“Sou-chan… is hard to talk to.”
Sougo didn’t back down from the eye contact.
“Sou-chan… is really nice to me. Um. I… I used to be, I mean, when you were nice to me…” Tamaki looked at him—looked at him, not willing to look away. “It used to scare me.”
Sougo tilted his head.
“You were nice to me… and I wasn’t… used to that. And then you were so nice to me, you collapsed. Remember? A gastric problem from stress… Then I heard you like bitter things, like coffee. And they say decaf is, uh, less acidic? So I would take Sou-chan to get coffee at the old lady’s shop…”
“I…” Sougo blinked. “What? No, that. Her coffee is from a machine. It’s pretty acidic, kinda burns honestly.”
“H-Hah!?” Tamaki threw his hands up and then grunted as he crossed his arms. “W-Well… Um.” He looked down. “Sou-chan asks me how my day is. He always tries to protect me… Sou-chan asks me if I’m sleeping well, if I’m eating. All of it scared me because I didn’t understand it. But I understand it now. These are all the little ways Sou-chan says I love you.”
Sougo’s eyes widened.
“A-And.” Tamaki looked at him. “You even put a magic spell on me so I wouldn’t be nervous.”
Sougo stared at him.
“It’s hard… when someone shows they love you, in all these small ways. Like I said, I felt scared.” Tamaki took a deep breath. “I didn’t know what to do with it for a while… and I didn’t know what it all meant. I think, um. Now I think… I think Sou-chan checks up on us so much because he wants someone to check on him. Sou-chan says ‘I love you’ to me in small ways because Sou-chan wants to be loved too.”
Sougo could only stare.
“And… when I think about doing small things to say I love you to Sou-chan.”
“Tamaki-kun. What do you mean by love?”
“Sou-chan, I would also be sad if Mezzo disappeared.” Tamaki was shaking as he eyed Sougo. “I don’t want to ruin it.”
Sougo’s throat felt tight. On the precipice of the end –
“Sou-chan.” Tamaki’s eyes softened. “Have you ever grown up with so little… that you just want to throw yourself at the first person who is being nice to you? Sometimes it’s by yelling, sometimes it’s by holding their hand…”
Sougo could only stare.
“I love Sou-chan, but Sou-chan doesn’t love me back.” Tamaki smiled despite the mist in his eyes. “Sou-chan wants to be loved so much, that I worry he won’t care where it’s from. So if I tell Sou-chan… if I asked, or even begged… If I tell Sou-chan that I wanted to be his boyfriend, he would say yes because he’s so polite.”
Sougo could only feel the floor swallow him whole.
“You say I don’t see you, but no matter what I do Sou-chan never sees me. He just sees Mezzo.” Tamaki’s eyes flashed with pain the colour of bruised lilac. “You said you would see me, but you don’t see me. The thing is… I want Sou-chan to love me but—”
“I have always felt,” Sougo told Banri, “That I’ve been standing on the precipice of the end – and that all it would take is one stiff wind to throw me into the darkness.”
Tamaki’s voice came as an echo,
I don’t think Sou-chan is capable of it.
There was the sound of crashing, and screaming—of shouting—
Sougo sat on a small bench. He looked up at the sky, eyes seeing what they shouldn’t. Beyond cityscapes and skyscrapers, every star in the universe shone with so much detail, colours of blues and greens, oranges—teals and lilacs—yellows, and reds. It was as though all the light pollution in the world was gone, and Sougo could see beyond. He sat, ignoring the frozen feeling in his fingertips, as every star in the sky—
It was cold now.
It was dark now.
The world itself was freezing over.
He brought frosted fingertips to his mouth and tried to blow hot air on them.
Riku’s voice had a nervous trill, “He’s not waking up.”
Mitsuki whispered, “A coma?”
“We’ll see with time,” Iori was pretending he wasn’t scared.
Sougo’s eyes softened. It was fine. This was the same it was every night. The freezing darkness. Every star would show up in the sky and—one by one—they would burn out. As each star disappeared from the sky, it grew darker and darker. Being at the precipice of the end, Sougo felt a thickness in his chest.
Because after every star burned out, so would the sun.
The world would then be plunged into freezing darkness.
But Sougo knew he would wake up—
Sougo always woke up from the nightmare—
… he would wake up, wouldn’t he?
Sougo’s felt ice flow inside his veins, now. It didn’t usually get this far. His eyebrows furrowed. He, uselessly, tried to blow hot air onto his fingers. The coat and beanie he wore were doing little to shield him against the end of all existence.
Sougo wondered if this time he wouldn’t wake up… Was tonight the night he died? Sougo breathed deep, even if it put freezing darkness in his lungs. It was the same every night.
At last, the sun burned out.
Eight minutes, Sougo told himself. It takes the light from the sun eight minutes to reach earth—meaning the sun was already gone as he watched it die.
“What,” Nagi’s voice was uncharacteristically empty, “Can we do…?
Yamato had a firm voice full of cracks, “Let’s… let’s keep our spirits up.”
Sougo stared at the sky. Every star was gone now. It was just darkness. He could no longer see the cityscape nor the skyscrapers. A curtain of black was pooling over the world as all of light began to die.
Sougo closed his eyes, seeing no difference.
Other people were able to dream of cars and tornadoes, of that one friend from kindergarten, of the meat shop down the street—but Sougo was forced to live this. For eight hours he would feel every second of this nightmare, every night of his life.
It became colder than usual.
Sougo’s throat tightened. His eyes opened.
As the last of the light faded… the world itself froze to ice.
“Sougo, please,” Yamato’s voice was cracking, “Wake up.”
“Osaka-san,” Iori whispered, “Tell me what I can do.”
Sougo was walking through the frozen world. Ice covered every part of the cityscape. He walked through empty streets, breathing hard as he looked around.
“We care about you,” Riku declared. “Please wake up.”
I’m trying, Sougo wanted to say back, but his throat was so tight.
“We are your friends,” Nagi assured, “There is nothing for you we wouldn’t do.”
“Sougo,” Mitsuki’s voice was raw the way it was when he had been crying, “Come back to us.”
Sougo couldn’t breathe. He continued to walk through the frozen world. He didn’t know where to go.
It was so dark.
“His condition,” Tsumugi’s voice was shaking.
Banri sighed. “He’s showing no signs of improving… It’s been days.”
Days. Sougo walked. He would die here, he realised. He would feel every second of this nightmare until his body gave out. He would die in this dream and never be able to say his goodbye. He made a promise not to disappear, but what the hell could he do now?
It was so cold.
It was so dark.
Sougo glanced, by chance, in an alley and he saw the faintest light.
He pushed himself to walk towards it.
He looked up—
Two stars were left.
Sougo had been so focused on looking up—he almost missed the sight of the person at the end of this path.
Tamaki was also looking up.
Sougo wanted to call out—but his throat was so tight. It was so cold.
“Sou-chan.” Tamaki looked down and faced him. “Is this my fault again…? Did I… hurt you again?”
Sougo’s legs were stiff, and sore. He forced himself to take another step.
“When you were nice to me,” Tamaki spoke under the light of Castor and Pollux, “It scared me. You were so nice you collapsed. Here we are again, huh…?” His eyes had a shine to them. “I really… I learned nothing.”
No, Sougo wanted to say, to scream. He pushed himself closer, breathing in frozen darkness.
“I love you.”
Sougo froze, feeling his skin crawl. He felt his chest squeeze, and he wanted to run. He wanted to hide. He wanted to disappear.
“It’s scary, isn’t it?” Tamaki eyed him with a smile. “I kept asking myself what the hell even is it… Why do I feel this way? What am I supposed to do with it? We sing about it—but what the hell is it? I came to a conclusion…”
Sougo paused. As much as he wanted to run…
“I mean… I’m not the smartest person, Sou-chan, so maybe I’m wrong… But I don’t think love is a feeling. Um.” Tamaki took a breath. “I think the feeling is that I care about you…? I care about you being happy. But Sou-chan taught me that love is when you put that care into action, with little things, and it’s those actions that say I love you.”
Sougo took a step forward.
“What scared me… is that someone else woke up, and every day, cared enough about me to do something for me. To put that care into action, to love me, in little ways.” Tamaki’s eyes softened. “It was scary… But you would ask me how my day went—because you knew I had no one else to talk to about those things. When I tricked you into getting you a coffee, because I knew it would make you happy, you would always try and buy me a pudding—even when I had my own money.”
Sougo pushed himself towards Tamaki. A hand reaching up, reaching out—
“You made sure I was eating, and sleeping. You even get scary if it means protecting me.” Tamaki let out a little laugh. “And you put a magic spell to keep me safe!”
Sougo was reaching closer.
“Every day, Sou-chan tells Tamaki-kun ‘I love you’, ‘I love you’, ‘I love you’. I’m so lucky, Sou-chan!”
Every day, Sougo denied himself reaching for Tamaki, but right now his hand was reaching—
“So… maybe I wasn’t good at it. But I tried to do it back.” Tamaki grinned. “You told me you were anemic before, so I made sure you ate plenty of meat even if you didn’t like it! We went running, even though you were so slow, but it made me happy that I could help you do that for yourself!” His smile faltered. “Ah… well… the coffee… it tastes gross, but you were always warm and happy when you had some, so I made sure we stopped by the old lady a lot.”
‘I love you’, ‘I love you’, ‘I love you’
“And I call you Sou-chan,” Tamaki explained, “Since you said you were from a big stuffy family. I thought… you would like something different. And! You looked happy when I called you that the first time, so I keep calling you Sou-chan and Sou-chan and Sou-chan, as much as I can!”
Tamaki, I—
“And when we had that day off…” Tamaki looked away. “I was so nervous, because I never did anything like that before… I mean, uh, take the lead. And try to do something nice for you. That’s something you do all the time, so I wanted… I researched, I got Mikki to cook snacks, and I got all the stuff we need—I tried to bring my blanket from my bed but Nagicchi said I need a quilt for an outdoor thing event. I did everything I could, to take you to a place, to do something for you, to say I—”
Tamaki, I lo—
“To say I love you, Sou-chan.”
Sougo felt the wind hit him as hard as it could, a stiff wind threatening to send him deeper into the precipice of the end—but Sougo wasn’t moving. He was still reaching.
“Sou-chan, when you wake up… I’m sorry… I was scared of so many things, I avoided you because being with you is scary… it makes me feel a thousand feelings I don’t know the names for. It’s like my brain is all those stars, with the meteors wooshing past, and it feels so alive. But when you wake up, know that I’ll also wake up every day and put that care into action. I want Sou-chan to be happy, and I’m gonna do what I can to make it happen. That’s what it means when I say I love you.”
Castor and Pollux kept shining.
Defiant, in their light.
“So, uh…” Tamaki began and a wave of nervousness washed over him, but he kept smiling. “I hope this works.”
Sougo reached for Tamaki—and grabbed his shirt.
“Wake up, wake up,” Tamaki chanted, “Please wake up.”
Sougo’s eyes widened.
“All of your fear, is now all clear.”
Sougo pulled him closer. “Ta—”
Tamaki’s eyes widened. “Sou-ch—”
Sougo’s throat felt tight, and it squeezed as if trying to collapse on himself. His eyes widened but he pulled himself closer. “T—” He grit his teeth. “Tama—”
“Sou-chan!” Tamaki looked away and screamed, “He’s!—He’s awake! He—!”
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
“I made some tea,” Riku said as he poked his head in. “Would you like some?”
Sougo smiled. “Yes, please.”
Riku entered his bedroom with a tray holding a steaming mug of green tea and a small plate of fried jalapenos. “It’s been a few days. Are you feeling better?”
“I had a dream,” Sougo admitted. “The meat shop down the road turned into a car, and I was chasing this big tornado with a friend from kindergarten.”
“Oh.” Riku’s eyes widened. “That sounds stressful.”
“It was… incredible.” Sougo grinned. “It was different for once.”
Riku offered a smile as he put the tray over Sougo’s lap.
After eating his snacks and chatting a while, Riku took the tray, leaving Sougo in bed with the warm cup of half-drunk tea in his hand.
A knock at the door.
A muffled voice—“Sou-chan?”
Sougo chuckled. “You can come in, you know.”
“Well…” Tamaki peeked in. “Not everyone breaks doors down…”
Sougo tilted his head.
Tamaki offered a smile.
Sougo felt his cheeks warm. He looked away, but smiled.
Tamaki stepped in, closing the door behind him, and walked to the edge of the bed. He moved to get on his knees in front of the bed, but Sougo shifted and patted next to him. Tamaki sat on the edge of the bed, one knee up, so he was facing the same way as Sougo. He looked at him.
Sougo sipped his tea nervously.
“Sou-chan… what happened to Sou-chan?”
“Tamaki-kun…” Sougo bit his lip, looking into his mug of tea. “I’m not sure, but… I thought I was Pollux.” He couldn’t help but laugh. “I didn’t realise I was Castor. You pulled me up into the sky, so I don’t have to see it black out anymore. I can shine there too now.”
Tamaki raised an eyebrow.
“You shared something with me.” Sougo turned to him, smiling. “Thank you.”
“Sou-chan.” Tamaki stared firmly. “You’re not making much sense…”
“It’s, ah. Uh. Complicated?” Sougo’s eyes softened. “It would take a long time to explain it.”
“Sou-chan’s thoughts are always complicated. Maybe one day you can sit down and tell me all about them, every single thought.”
Sougo’s eyes widened. “I…”
“I want Sou-chan to tell me about Sou-chan.” Tamaki smiled. “And then… well, maybe we’d have more to talk about on the train home.”
“It’s been a year now that we’ve been working together…” Sougo looked at him. “And we still struggle to have stuff to talk about.”
“Because Sou-chan never talks about Sou-chan!”
Sougo’s eyes widened.
Tamaki frowned. “When you were asleep…”
“I heard it.” Sougo nodded. “I heard everything.”
Lilac bloomed on Tamaki’s face, a pink streak going from one cheek to the other. He grit his teeth. “Ban-chan told me… that you could hear me, so. I just. I said everything I could think about. I said all the things I wanted to say. So… Sou-chan has to do some talking too, now.”
“I see.” Sougo let out a little laugh. “I suppose that’s fair.” His eyes softened. “I’m better. I feel like I’m better than ever. I’m still scared but… you’re right, you reached out for me. You took a big step. It’s my turn to be brave now.”
“Sou-chan… you talk about me being brave… Sou-chan was the brave one.”
Sougo turned to him.
“I was scared.” Tamaki’s eyes softened. “I didn’t know what to do… but Sou-chan came back. Sou-chan kept his promise. Sou-chan didn’t disappear.”
Sougo’s eyes widened.
“Sou-chan…” Tamaki bit his lip. He looked at Sougo—for only a second—before his eyes darted away. He leaned upwards, to Sougo’s forehead, pressing a kiss. Mumbling against Sougo’s forehead, “Thank you.”
Sougo leaned forward, pressing himself into Tamaki’s neck. “I… I am scared. I’m scared of everything. There’s ten thousand thoughts in my head, ten thousand feelings that I don’t know the names for. I was so scared of everything, I focused on you… you grounded me. When I was at the precipice of the end, you were the thing that kept me stable.”
Tamaki said nothing, just stayed pressed against Sougo.
“I do love you.” Sougo felt his chest bloom with warmth. “But you were right. If you asked me to date you… I think I would have said yes for Mezzo. I never would have realised I loved you, and that I was dying for your attention because…”
“I… want to spend time with Sou-chan. Not as Mezzo, but…”
“As you and me?”
“Yeah. Like… our… date.”
“D-Date.” Sougo’s eyes widened.
Tamaki mumbled something against Sougo’s forehead.
“Date.” Sougo’s eyes widened.
“I was… trying to say… that I love you.” Tamaki nuzzled his hair. “And you’re right… it’s easier to be around the others than you… because I was. Because I was crushing on you, Sou-chan.”
“Oh.”
Tamaki pulled away and his cheeks were red hot, puffed out, and he was trembling a little. “I want to know everything about Sou-chan!”
Sougo blinked. “T-Tamaki-kun…”
“Sou-chan listens. Sou-chan listens to every drop of everything I say when I talk about my day. It’s like Sou-chan is collecting every drop of rain. You commit them to memory.” Tamaki glared out of intensity. “I want to listen. I want Sou-chan to talk, and I want to listen. Listen to everything.”
“You.” Sougo reached with one hand, cupping Tamaki’s face. “You’re always listening too, aren’t you? The fact I like coffee, the fact I was anemic, what I ordered at restaurants, when I said I wanted to run and grow stronger, my love for stars… even the magic spells I put on you.”
Tamaki’s eyes softened, his whole face softened, threatening to spill over. “Sou-chan taught me how to love someone… so that’s what I want to do for you. Every day. But I can’t do it unless Sou-chan tells me more about Sou-chan.”
Sougo closed his eyes. “I’ll tell you everything.” He smiled. “Another promise.”
Tamaki leaned in.
Sougo felt lips against his. It was like his brain was all those stars, with the meteors showering past, the heat and radiance of every star fighting, shining, and burning in the freezing darkness, keeping it far, far at bay.
“Sou-chan’s… lips are very soft.”
With tired eyes, Sougo let out a laugh.
Tamaki was still blushing. “Here.” He took the mug of tea. “I’ll let you go back to sleep.”
Sougo, still laughing, whispered, “Taa-kun.”
Tamaki almost dropped the mug of tea, almost spilling it over the bed and all the blankets, as he flinched.
Sougo let out the quietest little giggle in his tired delirium.
“Sou-chan!”
“Sorry.”
“Sou-chan.” Tamaki was grinning, a wide smile that held more light than any star Sougo had ever seen. “Sweet dreams, okay?”
“Yeah.” Sougo closed his eyes. “I can’t wait to see what I dream up next.”
🅟 ♊︎ 🅕
In a cityscape, lit up by a bright sun, Sougo walked through a field of teal flowers. His hand brushed the petals as he looked around until he looked ahead.
With his back to him, Tamaki was sitting on a bench, arm resting over the back of the bench.
Sougo looked around and laughed. “I could get used to dreaming like this.”
A soft breeze fluttered by.
Sougo looked up.
Despite the sun shining bright, Sougo could see Castor and Pollux, and ten thousand meteors shooting by.
Tamaki looked over his shoulder at him. He reached back and offered his hand.
Sougo felt a flutter in his hand—and reached a hand out for his dream.