Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Things are fine as Tommy walks up the stairs to his apartment. Why wouldn’t things be perfectly fine? It’s a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, he’d even found 2 dollars on the ground, and had gotten himself a red slushie. 

The day is at his disposal, and now he would get to go home to his best friend, and spend the rest of the day playing Mario Kart, or listening to music, whatever his heart desired! All he had to do was step through the door in front of him and-

“Tommy fucking Innit. Don’t you dare take another step into this house!” Tubbo yells, as soon as he stepps through the door. 

“Aha, hey big man! Tubster! My bro, my best friend! How are you, my man? What’s up!” Tommy rattles off, both frantic and confused as to what had brought outburst this on.

“Don’t act stupid with me, mister. You know exactly what you did.” Tubbo berates and Tommy looks at him without a thought behind his eyes.

What had he done? He’d woken up, taken a shower, put some toast in the toaster, brushed his teeth, had a glass of chocolate milk and then taken off for a walk around the city. All things considered, Tommy thought it was a very tame day for him.

Tommy shrugs as the shorter boy in front of him lets out an aggravated sigh and reaches behind him, revealing something that looks like pure ash. 

“Right.” Tommy mumbles to himself.

The toast.

Tommy holds out his half-drunk slushie, and throws Tubbo a flushed smile, “Apology present?”

“Nope. No. No way.” Tubbo laughs menacingly, “You set our toaster on fire, you don’t contribute financially-”

“How do we even afford this place?” Tommy buts in, to which his friend’s glare shuts him down immediately. Rude.

“Financially.” Tubbo repeats, “And I’m sick of it! Sick I say. You’re going to turn around, and you’re not going to come back until you have a job and a new toaster.” 

“Both of them? Buddy, can’t I just get a fucking sick job and eventually buy the toaster? Seems much more rational if you ask me.” Tommy argued. 

Tubbo’s rules were evil, how was he meant to be ‘Big Man TommyInnit, Lover of Women and Money’ if he was spending all his time trying to buy a toaster?

Tubbo locks eyes with Tommy, his face falling into a special look that was reserved only for when Tommy was about to get himself into deep shit, well, deeper shit than usual.

“Right, aha. Nevermind Big T. I’ll get going. Be back- Yep. Cya.” Tommy laughs as he slowly backs out the door, before taking off down the stairs and not stopping running until he reaches the street.

Fuck . That was not poggers. Now he’s homeless and out of breath.

----

Things are NOT fine as Tommy walks down the street into the heart of the city. Why would things be fine? It’s a terrible day! His best friend kicked him out, he needed to find a cheap toaster, he needed to find a way to earn money fast, and he didn’t even have his red slushie. There was no way his day could get worse.

“Fucking... Fucking bitch of a roommate, makin’ me do fucking work and shit.” Tommy huffs, kicking a rock on the sidewalk.

Not a second later he heard the breaking of glass and a blaring car alarm going off.

Was that him? Surely not.

“Oi, dude! What the fuck? That’s my car?” 

Okay. Maybe it was him. 

Tommy takes off running down the street, looking behind him to see a buff man chasing him down the street. 

Maybe things could get worse.

Tommy scans his surroundings for anything that could possibly help him, the man was gaining on him, and though Tommy would never admit it out loud, the dude could definitely take him. Who even has the time to become that buff? The man must go to the gym, like, at least once a week.

He doesn’t have time to keep thinking, he desperately needs a miracle.

Tommy glances around again, before catching sight of an alleyway not that far ahead of him. If he can’t have a miracle, a trashcan will do. 

He turns down the alley and throws himself into the large trash can, grabbing the lid and placing it above him.

“This is so uncomfortable.” He complains to himself.

The loud footsteps come to a halt at the opening of the alleyway and begin to come closer and closer. Tommy tenses, trying to shrink even further down into the bin. 

On the bright side, if he gets arrested he’ll have somewhere to sleep while he’s not allowed in his house. And maybe they’ll give him a toaster as a “get out of jail” present. 

“Kids, what can you do?” Tommy hears the man sigh, footsteps retreating back down the alleyway. 

Close call. 

Tommy stays in the trash can for a few moments, just for security purposes, before he hops out brushing his clothes off, can’t have his clothes dirty if he’s going to make a good impression.

He gags as he pulls a piece of raw chicken out of the hood of his jacket, only just resisting the urge to vomit up everything in his stomach. Looking down at himself, he decides he looks presentable enough to enter an establishment and ask for a job. It’s not like anyone could resist his smooth talking charm anyway. He was a big man, a big, charming, poggers man, and he was going to get a job. 

Walking out of the alleyway and onto the street, Tommy takes up his stride in the direction of the city central, where he was going before he rudely got chased down by a fully grown adult.

Clearly didn’t know Tommy is a minor, and you are not meant to be mean to minors.

Tommy looks at the people he’s passing, none of them daring to meet his eyes. Ha, no-one could dare meet the eyes of the biggest dude around. 

“Mum, why does that boy have pizza in his hair?” A child asks their mother, as they pass Tommy.

The mother hushes the child as they quickly move through the crowd before Tommy can turn around and say anything. 

He stands in front of the glass at the nearest shop and sees that he does, in fact, have a slice of pizza, cheese side down, on his head. 

“How fucking rancid.” Tommy cringes, gagging dramatically as he peels the slice from his hair, and slams it on the ground, “Absolutely fucking putrid.”

Tommy sighs and looks at the pizza on the ground. “I’m sorry, buddy. That was harsh of me. I’ve just had a rough day. I guess I’m in the same boat as you. You got thrown out, I got thrown out. You could have had a great life in someone’s stomach. There’s no hope for either of us now.”

The pizza doesn’t respond, but Tommy takes a seat next to it, his back against the shop.

“You don’t have to talk. You’ve been through a lot.”

It still doesn’t respond.

“My best friend kicked me out. He’s making me get a job. Fucking asshole, he is. How do you even get one of those? Do you just walk in there and tell them you need money? Not that I’m desperate. I have loads of money. And girlfriends. Both.”

Nothing.

“I feel like you get me.”

Tommy stares up at the glowing neon sign above him. It’s starting to get dark and Tommy is impatient. Who wouldn’t want to hire him?

The bell at the shop chimes next to him, and he watches as an employee walks out and gets into a car, putting the boxes he’s holding down on the passenger seat. 

Pizza boxes. 

“Oh, Pizza! You glorious slice of pizza! This is a holy day, you have helped me reach enlightenment. I will never forget you!” Tommy exclaims, jumping up from his spot.

Today is a good day.

---

“No.”

“What do you mean no?!” Tommy cries to the stupid bald man in front of him.

Assessing the situation, you wouldn’t think the man, “Mr Manifold” as the name tag read, would be in any position to deny Tommy work. Tommy was a good half a foot taller than him (at least), and had used his very best manners.

“You called me bald.” Manifold argues back.

“No, no, that doesn’t sound like me.”

“You- what? You can’t do that. You said it to my face.”

“No, psh. I would never do such a thing, Mr Manifold.”

“It doesn’t matter if you would, you did ”

“You have it twisted, sir. Are you feeling ok? Do you need me to call someone?”

“What is even happening right now?”

“I think you were going to give me a job.”

The bald man sighs, “If I give you a job will you shut up?”

“Absolutely not.”

“You know what? Whatever. Can you drive?”

Tommy cannot drive.

“Yes.”

“Perfect.” Manifold says, grabbing a hat from the uniform rack next to him, and placing it on Tommy’s head, “Meet Pizza Hut’s newest delivery boy. Welcome to the family.”

“I won’t let you down, big man!” Tommy salutes his new boss, throwing him a charming, dazzling, TommyInnit grin.

“I’m sure you will.”

---

Tommy leaves the office with a new uniform, and a new set of company wheels. Not the worst perks in the world. Plus, he won’t have to cook- we all know how that went last time.

But now Tommy has a job! Big man earning big bucks. He’s moving up in the world. 

Now he just needs to learn how to drive. Surely it’s not that hard.

He would look it up on YouTube, but his laptop is at home. Somewhere he is currently exiled from.

Oh well, there’s no better way to learn than hands-on experience.

First, Tommy goes to the bathroom and puts his uniform on, wouldn’t want anyone thinking he’d just stolen the car. 

As for the problem of getting a license- He’ll deal with that later. For now, he goes out the back and finds the car that belongs to his keys and sits in the driver’s seat. Surely it couldn’t be that difficult.

No, nothing is difficult for ‘The TommyInnit, Master of Cars and Ruler of The World.’

It will be easy!

The car is an automatic, easy. Tommy just has to put it in reverse and it will all be fine. 

Tommy puts the car in reverse and presses on the accelerator. 

The car is pretty smooth, nice. 

Okay. If going at 5 kilometers an hour is allowed, then Tommy is killing it. 

In all honesty, he’s pretty proud of himself. Better slow then sorry, or whatever the dumb saying is. Tommy puts the car into drive and presses on the accelerator a little more, suddenly becoming extremely aware of all of his surroundings to make sure he didn’t hit anything.

“Can’t have anything else coming out of my sweet pay check.” He laughed out loud, “God, I’m fucking killing it.”

Tommy is, in fact, killing it. In a surprisingly short amount of time, Tommy had driven around the city, and on the main roads, only going up one or two gutters along the way. Pretty impressive.

Now, it’s time for Tommy to pull off his greatest stunt yet. Parking. Tommy checks behind him before putting the car into reverse. 

What kind of establishment makes you park facing forward? That was its first mistake.

Its second mistake was thinking that was something that Tommy could do. Because he really, really cannot. 

Tommy admits to himself that his tragic flaw is not being able to park. Every main character needs one.

He decides parking is a work in progress and heads back into Pizza Hut at 8pm for the official start of his first shift. 

--

It’s a slow start, and Tommy is bored out of his brain, but he keeps reminding himself that he’s earning money from this and that’s all that matters. 

He volunteered to do the “graveyard shift” (whatever that means), and was finishing at 5, and time is just not going quick enough for Tommy’s liking. It was a nice night, so more people were out then in, which meant less online orders and more people in store.

Whatever though, he gets a fat pay check at the end of the night and that’s all that matters.

Plus, those other suckers have to make pizza. Sucks to be them. 

All Tommy has to do is deliver one every now and then, which really, isn’t as bad as he thought it would be. He’s just bored.

It’s nearly clock off time, and Tommy wants nothing more then to go back home to his best bro, and his super fucking warm bed.

“Newbie. Order up.” 

Sucks to be Tommy. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m coming, right away, boss.”

“I- I’m not your boss?” The chef questions.

“But you’re bald. And Mr Manifold is bald. Therefore you are boss.”

“Just take the pizza’s, kid.”

“Fuck you! I am not a kid! I am a big strong man, and I will sue you, I know my rights!” Tommy huffs, taking the boxes and stomping out to his car.

----

Tommy drives just out of the city, and along a road he hasn’t been down before. He is pretty familiar with the city, and even the outskirts. Himself and Tubbo have spent many a-days wandering, looking for things to do, people to meet and chaos to cause.

Eventually, Tubbo had his interest grabbed by building and making, especially things that look like they could be ripped straight out of a movie. Grappling hooks, flamethrowers. The usual. 

Tommy hasn’t found his true calling yet, instead deciding to do whatever grabbed his interest the most at the time.

Still, Tommy hasn’t been down this road. Weirdchamp.

He frowns slightly, double checking the address, and his GPS before continuing up the road.

He reaches an apartment block and rolls his eyes, of course it’s an apartment. It stands tall and looming, taunting him about the fact that he can’t go home yet. This apartment is a dick.

“Just get this shit over with.” Tommy sighs to himself, pulling over somewhere that looks almost like a parking spot. He gets out, grabs the pizza and heads over to the door.

The neighbourhood is a pretty nice one, Tommy notices as he gets closer to the door. Not the worst place on Earth to live, maybe they’ll tip.

A man dressed in a bellhop uniform stands outside the door, “How may I help you, sir?” He asks Tommy.

“Uhhh, I got a pizza delivery for, uh, shit, floor 24.” 

The bellhop gives him a suspicious up and down.

“Look, mate, I’m just trying to do my job here, and if the pizza goes cold then I’m in deep shit, and my boss is already a dickhead-” 

“Of course, sir.”

Tommy raises an eyebrow, surprised. Usually people are offended by this point. The bellhop opens the glass door and Tommy walks inside, thanking the man. 

He gets in the elevator and presses floor 24. The penthouse. 

Not surprised by anything at this rate.

The things he does for friendship.

The elevator dings and Tommy steps out. There’s only one door on the floor, so Tommy walks up to it and gives it a knock.

He waits.

He yawns. 

God, it must be almost 5am by now. 

Impatiently, Tommy knocks again.

And again.

There’s a loud shuffle behind the door.

The door slams open, and before Tommy can process what is happening, a blade is at his throat.

Right.

Tommy sighs irritably.

Of all the situations he could be in, this was not one he was prepared for. 

Oh, the things he does for Tubbo.

Standing in front of him, with a sword to his throat is the second highest ranked superhero in all of their city. The Blade. 

Nice.

On any other day, maybe he’d be a bit excited, but right now, he just really wants to deliver pizza and get home.

Tommy had pretty much forgotten that he lived in a city full of superheroes and villains up until this very moment. 

He wishes it had stayed that way.

Peeking out behind The Blade was the third highest ranked, Siren, and the top ranked, Philza. Fucking hell. 

They better tip well.

“One large cheese, one large meat lover and one large vegorama, for, uh, es-bee-eye ” Tommy reads in a monotone voice, from the receipt, as he holds the pizzas out to the hero in front of him.

“Who are you, and how did you find us?” The Blade deadpans, sword still up to Tommy’s throat.

“Pizza Hut. Someone ordered pizza.” 

The Blade looks back at the other two who look just as confused as he does, shaking their heads and shrugging.

The Blade’s expression smoothes out, into a scarily calm look. He removes his blade from Tommy’s throat.

“If I find out that you’re lying, you don’t want to know the things I’ll do.” He says, placing his sword against the wall.

“Please don’t threaten me. I have to fill out so many forms. Here are your pizzas.” Tommy tries again to hand them to the man, but to no avail.

Even if you’re a hero, if someone is handing you free pizza, wouldn’t you take it?

“Come on, Blade, take the pizza and leave the poor child alone. I’m sure he’s just doing his job.” Philza reasons, giving The Blade a pointed look. Finally, someone with some common sense around here.

“I’m not a child.” Tommy mumbled quietly to himself.

“You look like a child to me.” Siren sneers in retort.

What the fuck? Tommy is literally just trying to do his job. How did he even hear?

…

Right, superpowers. Stupid question.

“Siren.” Philza warns. God, Philza is the only man ever.

The Blade stares Tommy down one last time before taking the pizzas and slamming the door in his face.

“Not even a tip.” Tommy sighs out loud, “So much for fucking superheroes.”

None of them are as big as TommyInnit. Except maybe Philza.

But Tommy doesn’t care, he just wants to get home.

He gets in his car and starts the engine, heading back into the city.

Meow.

What the fuck?

“What the fuck?” Tommy repeats out loud.

He looks over to the seat next to him.

Meow.

“How the fuck did you get in here little fella?” Tommy asks, pulling over to the side of the road.

He picks up the ginger cat sitting on the seat and places the cat in his lap. 

More like a kitten really

“Aren’t you a little dude? Fuck, or dudette. Or whatever you wanna be. No judgement here.”

Tommy looks at the collar around the cat's neck.

“You don’t even have a name yet! Just a number.”

The kitten purrs, rubbing itself against Tommy’s arm.

If you ask Tommy, he will deny tearing up. Sentiment is for pussies. And well, cats.

“Henry. Yep. I’m going to call you Henry. It’s gender neutral, you can be whatever you wanna be.”

The kitten purrs again.

Again, Tommy will deny he let out an audible “aww.”

The only issue now is now Tommy has a choice. He can either A) keep Henry and have a BFF for life (beats Tubbo, Henry wouldn’t kick him out) OR B) find a phone and reunite Henry with their owner.

Henry looks up at Tommy and lets out a soft hum.

Sheesh. Henry’s right.

“Okay, I know. You drive a hard bargain but Tubbo would kill me if I bought you home. I don’t have a phone though, so I’m going to have to turn around really quickly.”

Tommy straps Henry into the seat next to him and does a U-turn back to the apartment block. He hopes that there’s a phone in the lobby he can use to call the number on Henry’s collar.

Getting out of the car outside the building, Tommy goes over to the bellhop.

“Back again already?”

Tommy wishes he wasn’t.

He pulls the cat from the nook of his arm, “I found this dude and I need to borrow your phone.” Pause. “Please.”

The bellhop breaks into a wide, toothy grin.

“No need to use the phone, sir. That belongs to the people you were just visiting. Level 24. Head on up.”

Tommy sighs and walks inside the door.

Many bad things always happen. And such is life for TommyInnit. It is so not poggers.

Arriving on the floor (again), Tommy knocks on the door (again) and prepares to almost get his head taken off (again).

To his shock (and luck), it’s not The Blade on the other side of the door, but Philza.

“Why are you here again, kid? I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s very early.” Philza gives him a tired smile.

“I don’t want to be here. I found this, fucking cat. Who I love by the way. I’ve named them Henry. But I found it and I am returning it.”

Philza’s smile changes from tired to bright.

“Siren! Come here!” Philza yells into the apartment before turning back to Tommy, “Thank you, bud. He hasn’t stopped throwing tantrums about this kitten for the last week. Someone left the door open and it ran away.”

Siren appears behind Philza and glares down at Tommy.

What is this dude’s problem? 

Siren’s eyes land on Henry and he moves forward to pick him up out of Tommy’s hands.

“Did you steal my cat?” The hero asks.

“Why the fuck would I steal your cat?”

“Money, reward, some sick mind game.”

“I didn’t steal your cat. I did name them though. Henry.”

“Stupid name.”

“Says you!.” Tommy replies.

“You have a stupid name.”

“You don’t even know my name, fucker! What type of name even is, Siren?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“What the fuck does that even mean you dickhead?”

“Okay!” Philza sighs. “Break it up boys. Thank you..” His eyes look down and Tommy’s name tag, “TommyInnit”

“Stupid name.” Siren mumbles.

“Is there anything we can do to repay you?”

Tommy thinks for a second.

“Actually, Big Man. There is one thing you could do…”

---

Tommy contentedly walks out of the building with a toaster in his arms.

He drives back to his place of work, and “parks” the car, taking his toaster in with him to collect his paycheck and head off.

He arrives back at home about 15 hours after he got kicked out of it.

Tommy knocks on the door, and Tubbo answers.

“You crazy son of a bitch, you actually did it.” Tubbo marvels, looking at Tommy, still in his Pizza Hut uniform, holding a toaster under one arm.

“Of course I did, Tubster. They don’t call me ‘TommyInnit, keeper of promises and lover of money’ for nothing.”

“No one calls you that.”

“You don’t know that.”

Tubbo takes the toaster off Tommy and puts it aside.

“Go take a shower, you smell like shit.”

“Aye, aye, bossman!”

---

“I can’t believe you gave him our toaster.” Siren huffs.

“Shut up and enjoy your cat.” Philza retorts, rolling his eyes at his son.

“I believe his name’s Henry.” Blade chuckles.

Siren throws a pillow at Blade.

----

TLDR ; TommyInnit's Guide on: How to Earn Money (and not get killed by your best friend in the process)

1. Get kicked out
2. Reach a new plane of existence via pizza
3. Gaslight a bald man into giving you a job
4. Learn how to drive (WORK IN PROGRESS)
5. Almost die
6. Profit.

Chapter Text

“Tubboooooo.” Tommy whines out.

His best friend is currently trying to drag him out of bed.

So what if he has a shift? 

Tommy isn’t getting up. He got the toaster, he got the job. He doesn’t need to go back.

“Tommy, I swear on your life I will do everything I can to destroy you and everything you love if you do not get out of bed right now.”

“Tubbo, I’m depressed! So, so depressed! I want to stay in bed, stay in bed and cry.” 

Tubbo sighs. Such a good friend.

“Why are you depressed, big man?”

“I have a cat.”

“You have a cat? Please tell me you didn’t bring it back here-”

“I lost my cat.”

“Right.”

“Their name is Henry and they are my soulmate. Besties forever. And they’re gone.”

Tubbo sighs again.

“Why are they gone?”

“I had to return them.”

“So they weren’t your cat?”

“They were! They just… Were someone else's first..”

“That’s incorrect.”

“It’s true, Tubster! I was going to make best friend bracelets and all, and-”

Tubbo wacks Tommy in the face.

“Go to work.”

“You got it, bossman. Will do.”

Tommy gets up and grabs his uniform. He throws it on and heads out into the kitchen. Tubbo is standing there, making breakfast for the both of them.

Apparently, someone doesn’t trust Tommy in the kitchen anymore. Bitch.

Admittedly, Tubbo knows how to make pancakes. Something Tommy does not.

And they are pretty good pancakes.

Tommy sits down at the table and Tubbo drops a plate of them in front of him.

“Thanks, big man.”

“Thank yourself, the ingredients came out of your paycheck.”

“How did you-”

“Tommy, you just slept for like, 17 hours. I had time to go shopping.”

“This is fucked. You’re fucked. You’re robbing me. I work hard to provide for this family and this is the thanks I get.”

“Don’t care, didn’t ask. Go to work” 

Tommy grabs a pancake off his plate while his best friend grabs him by the collar and drags him out the door.

TommyInnit isn’t scared of anything or anyone, but for a small dude, Tubbo has a lot of built up anger.

Maybe Tommy should suggest therapy.

Ow. Tubbo throws him out the door.

“I’ll sue you, bitch! I know my rights!”

Tubbos slams the door in his face.

Dickhead.

“Have fun at work!” He hears from behind the door.

Double dickhead.

Tommy mopily walks to work. Why do his days always seem to start with him getting kicked out of his own house?

Tubbo clearly didn’t realise the severity of the damage that losing his cat did to him. 

Henry was his beloved. His entire life. 

And a much better friend than Tubbo. 

Okay, maybe that wasn’t true, but the point still stands.

Tommy was never going to see Henry again. He would die sad and alone. This is so sad. 

The things Tommy would do to have his cat back. He’d probably, like, kill some shit for it.

Tommy arrives at his place of work ( sadly ) and sees the slice of pizza he reached enlightenment with yesterday still laying on the ground. 

“You bastard. This is all your fault. Fuck you.”

The pizza doesn’t reply.

“Yeah, don’t say a word. Scared of me, I bet.”

Nothing.

“I’m not a big work enjoyer myself, but I’ve got myself a sweet ride, a whip, some would say.”

Tommy stares down at the pizza.

He should probably go inside.

---

“Wood fired pizza? How’s pizza gonna get a job now?” Tommy laughs to Mr Manifold.

“This is about the 5th time you’ve told that joke.” 

“And I’ll make it again!”

Mr Manifold turns away from him and gets back to stacking shelves.

“What’s your name, Manifold?” 

The bald man turns back to him, and Tommy gets an urge to rub his head.

He doesn’t, but the urge is there.

“That’s none of your business”

“Ehh, I am pretty certain it is all of my business, thank you”

“No, no, it’s actually not.”

“Stop gaslighting me, Manifold.”

“Wha- No. Do you even know what gaslighting is?”

Tommy thinks.

He doesn’t know what gaslighting is, but he’s pretty sure it’s this.

“What you are doing to me right now. I’ll sue you.”

“I am so lost. Go back to work.”

“You are boring. So boring. I’m literally going to die.”

“Work. Go.”

Tommy sighs dramatically. Is this what the life of Big Man TommyInnit, Wife Haver and Local Sweetheart has come to? Being told to go back to work? Apparently so.

Not epic at all.

Tommy heads back outside and picks up a pizza order. It’s just across town. Nothing terrible.

---

It is so terrible. So, so terrible. Tommy has never experienced something so haunting in his entire life.

It’s one thing for someone to complain because they didn’t get the right pizza. Tommy can take that, talk his way out of it with a little charm. It is a whole other thing to get chased down the street with a baseball bat. 

Tommy runs down an alleyway, hoping to find a conveniently large trash can again, or maybe a black hole that will suck him in.

Much to his disappointment, he finds neither. 

Well fuck.

The only thing that’s near is a window sill which is just out of Tommy’s reach.

Double fuck.

Well, there’s nothing to do now. Tommy settles on just sitting and awaiting his oncoming death. All this for a pizza which honestly seems excessive. 

He’s going to die alone, without his Tubbo, his Henry. Without ever having gotten multiple wives.

What’s the point?

Something hits Tommy on the head and Tommy braces himself. 

He should be dead right now, right?

Tommy looks down on the ground, not to find a giant man with a baseball bat, but to instead find a box, and a pretty sturdy one at that.

Tommy looks up at the window sill. A small ginger cat sits on it, looking at him with big eyes.

Henry.

Maybe miracles do exist. 

Tommy sets the box down, and stands on it, using it to boost himself up on the window sill, next to Henry.

“You just saved my life.”

Oh shit.

The man with the baseball bat runs down the alleyway. Lucky Tommy is extremely fast and agile and managed to get there with time to spare. Enough time for Henry (his now official sidekick) to get him out of his tricky situation.

He’s also lucky that the man is considerably shorter than him, and can’t reach the window. Even with the box.

“Get down here, kid. I’ll fucking kill you! I’ll smash your fucking teeth out!”

“Ha.” Tommy replies awkwardly, “I think we just all need to calm down here. Relax, chill.”

“I’ll show you chill. I’ll stuff your fucking body in a freezer!”

Okay. That’s a lot.

“Sir, I think you're threatening me and that’s actually illegal. I know my rights.”

The man stares at him.

“Also I’m not coming down from here, dickhead. You have a bat, and you’re still too short to reach me, so nice fucking try.” 

And just for effect, he again adds, “Dickhead.”

“You have it coming now!”

The man attempts to jump and grab Tommy’s leg, missing by at least a foot. 

Tommy watches on boredly.

“Yes, yes. I’m sure I do.”

The man spends another ten minutes shouting profanities at him, threatening to kill him, and waving his bat around.

Tommy thinks that he needs to come up with more creative ways of killing him.

Eventually, the man gives up.

“If I ever see you again kid, I’ll make sure my face is the last thing you see.”

“Mhm, I am sure that would be a lovely last image. Have a great day, sir.”

The man stops down and out the alleyway while Tommy sits on the window sill, next to Henry.

“Why do I keep getting chased by old men with anger issues?” Tommy questions the cat, running his hand through it’s fur.

Henry purrs and licks Tommy’s hand.

By no means does Big Man Innit let out a silent sob.

The two of them sit there for a second longer, Tommy enjoying the company of the cat that he missed so dearly.

Tommy was turning soft. Disgusting.

Tommy decides it’s probably time to head back into work. Ugh. There’s so much paperwork to fill out after someone threatens you. He understands it’s for the “safety of the employees” but still, his time is valuable.

Tommy jumps from the window sill, landing on his feet in the alley. 

“Alright, Henry. You’re up, big man. Are you okay with me calling you man? I am very respectful, and I want you to be comfortable.”

Nothing.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Tommy looks up at the window, “Just jump, I’ll catch you.”

When nothing lands in his arms, Tommy peers up to see the window empty.

“Henry?!” Tommy exclaims, aghast.

Where did his best friend go?

Meow.

Tommy turns his head to the noise, coming from the end of the alleyway. Henry is already turning and heading down the street. That bitch!

Tommy runs after Henry.

He’s done more running in the last two days than he has in his entire life. 

Unfortunately, despite how agile and fast and epic Tommy is, Henry seems to be agile-er and faster and epic-er. 

What Henry could never have planned for though, was Tommy’s secret weapon. A car.

The only thing standing between Tommy and his new best friend was speed, and Tommy could legally reach max speeds of 90 km/h. 

Tommy sits in his car, taking deep breaths. It’s fine. All he needs to do is find his cat and get back to work. 

Nothing is impossible in Tommy’s books.

Tommy starts the car and pulls out of the three car spots he was taking up before speeding off in the direction that Henry went.

God, that kitten can run. It also doesn’t help that Tommy has to take main roads while Henry can take whatever street they want. 

Appalling behaviour. Not cool, king.

---

“Where’s the blond kid?” Jack Manifold asks the chef.

The chef shrugs.

“Makes sense.”

---

Tommy follows Henry into the lot of an abandoned warehouse.

“This is not poggers. This seems suspiciously like a place I would die.” Tommy says to himself. He leaves his car in the middle of the lot before getting out and follows Henry into the building. 

“It’s okay, best friend. I would die for you.”

There’s a loud crash from the otherside of the warehouse.

“Shit!” Tommy exclaims.

Okay. It’s official. This place is not cool.

Looking around, Tommy spots Henry sitting on a crate of boxes.

“Oh there you are Henry. You are simply in a silly goofy mood today, aren't you?”

Tommy walks over and picks up the ginger kitten, scratching it between its eyes.

Henry purrs into Tommy’s arm.

“I’m irresistible.”

They purr again.

“Let’s get you home. Tubbo won’t do anything, you’re adorable. Tiny little man.”

Footsteps.

Tommy turns around.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

---

“I can’t believe I lost him again! I just got him back and now I’ve lost him. I’m a terrible father. My pain is no longer temporary, but instead a permanent, never ending cycle!”

“Calm down, Wil. I’m sure he’ll turn up soon.” Phil tries to reason with the pacing boy in front of him.

“You don’t understand. This is the end for me. I’m at the end of the road. There is nothing good left to come.”

“Okay, mate. How about you have a lay down and I’ll go look for him? Yeah?”

Wilbur looks at him, teary eyed, “Thank you, Phil.”

“All good, mate.” Phil gives him a soft smile and walks him to his room.

Phil makes sure that Wilbur lays down before he heads out into the living room.

He picks up the pizza boxes leftover from early yesterday, and puts them in the recycling before he goes.

He heads to the door and grabs the handle.

The door swings open.

“Good. Phil, you’re goin’ anyway. Grab Wilbur, we gotta go.”

“Can we leave Wil here? He’s all sad about his cat.”

“So what? Mans just really good at losing small animals. Don’t care.”

“Fine, Techno. But you’re going to go get him.

Techno disappears into Wilbur’s bedroom.

A scream rattles out.

The twins walk out, Techno dragging Wilbur by his sweater.

“You can’t just gatekeep being sad forever!” Techno declares.

“You know this isn’t very brotherly of you, Techno.”

“Meh, brotherly, honest. Basically the same thing”

“ Unhand me.” Wilbur smiles, using his powers to make his brother let go of him.

Wilbur looks awfully pleased with himself.

“Heh?! I had no expectations and I still managed to get disappointed.”

“No! Boys, stop.” Philza butts in, rubbing his forehead in stress, “Let’s go. Techno, what happened?”

The three of them leave the apartment building, taking to the roof tops instead of the ground.

“Kidnapping.”

“And you stopped to argue with me?”

“Could have been a peaceful kidnapping.”

“What type of kidnapping is peaceful?” Philza asks, flying alongside them, his wings spread out wide.

“Hopefully this one.”

---

Tommy’s eyes slowly open, and he adjusts his sight to the darkness of the room.

His senses feel like they’ve been almost completely cut off. It’s pitch black, there’s no noise, he’s a bit cold, and-

Meow.

Henry.

At least he still has Henry. 

The kitten is curled up inside Tommy’s shirt. How pleasant.

Tommy tries to reach up to grab Henry out of his shirt, only to find that his hands are tied. 

Huh.

Getting kidnapped wasn’t really on today's agenda.

Jack was going to kill him.

Tommy tries moving to but to avail, and for the second time today, he accepts that he is probably going to just die.

“At least I have you, Henry. You can have my bedroom. Tell Tubbo not to touch my stuff, it’s mine.” 

Tommy hears footsteps approach behind him.

“Who are you?” A voice rings out. 

A woman? Maybe ‘TommyInnit, Lover of All Things Woman’ would be able to get out of this one.

“Answer me.”

“Did you… kidnap me?” Tommy asks.

There’s a pause.

“Yeah? I guess. I would say it’s more capturing.”

“You know that’s illegal, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m aware.. What?”

Tommy smirks. Stupid kidnappers. Bet they don’t even know the law.

“Just tell us who you are.” Another voice pipes up.

Another woman.

Woah .

She sounds German.

“I like your accent.” Tommy comments.

“Oh! Thank you. That’s very kind of you.”

“It’s okay. I am very kind.”

There’s an awkward silence. Tommy hates silence.

“Is there any chance you could turn the light on, please? I don’t love the dark.”

The light flicks on, and the two voices walk around in front of him.

“Is that better?” The one with brown hair asks. No accent.

“Oh! You’re just a kid!” The one with pink hair exclaims, coming closer to Tommy. Accent.

“I am not a kid. I am a Big Man. I can drive and I have a house and lots of money.”

“Aw, and look! He has a cat. I didn’t even notice!” The one with brown hair smiles.

Tommy sniffs awkwardly, blowing a piece of hair out of his face.

It’s not everyday you have women gushing over you.

This is epic.

Before Tommy can continue his conversation, he’s rudely interrupted by the slamming open of a door.

Why do people feel the need to slam doors all the time? It’s wildly inconvenient. What did the doors ever do?

Through the door flies Philza, followed by The Blade and Siren.

What the Fuck?

It’s not uncommon to run into these heroes by any means, but twice in 2 day? Seems extreme.

Tommy must admit, it is a little cool to see them in the flesh.

But he doesn’t need saving! He’s a strong man, and he was having a nice chat with these women.

“Philza! My friend!” Tommy exclaims. The man shoots him a smile. 

Nice.

Philza turns back to the two women, who have produced large guns.

Tommy loves guns. Wonder if he could get himself one?

“Hannah, Niki. Fancy seeing you here.”

“Hello, boys.” Hannah replies, gun pointed straight at Philza.

“I thought you’d given up petty crime. Isn’t kidnapping beneath you now?” Siren asks, smirking as Hannah turns to face him, her gun following suit.

“He’d broken into our stash house. It was needed.” The German, Niki, responds.

Niki hadn’t pointed her gun away from The Blade yet, Tommy thinks it’s a smart move. 

“What’s needed is a blade through your throat.” Techno growls back at her, his eyes glowing a menacing red.

“Now, now, fellas!” Tommy begins, grabbing the attention of the room, “There’s no need to get all violent. I was just having a lovely chat with these ladies! They were about to let me go!”

The room is silent while everyone exchanges looks.

Clearly, he is just too swag for them.

Niki nods at Hannah. Hannah walks over and bends down to Tommy’s level.

“See, fellas? All is well!”

“Sorry kid.” Hannah mumbles.

Tommy hears a loud yell in the background.

His vision goes black.

---

Tommy feels himself being pulled close to someone’s chest, and arms- wings? Being wrapped around him.

Drowsily, he opens his eyes to a squint.

Hannah is laying on the floor, and Niki is crouching next to her, tending to a slice on her face.

“You know..” A voice says next to him- The Blade?

Niki looks up at the heroes.

“If you ever want to leave this line of work behind-”

“Your door is always open.” Niki finishes with a kind smile, “I know. Thank you Techno. And you both, too. Have a nice night.”

Techno? Fucking stupid name.

Tommy watches as the ground gets further and further away. Honestly it’s quite soothing.

Plus, Tommy has had quite the day. There’s nothing wrong with resting, right?

They probably know where he lives.

---

Phil lands on a nearby roof and looks down at the boy in his arms.

“It’s the pizza boy from yesterday.” Phil tells the other two.

“Throw him off the building then, please.” Siren complains.

In his sleeping state, they hear Tommy mumble, “Dickhead.”

Techno lets out a hearty laugh, “Oh my god, I like this one.”

“ Start slapping yourself.” Wilbur tells Techno.

“For a hero, you participate in a lot of torture.” Techno comments, slapping himself in the face repeatedly.

“Wil…” Phil warns.

“Fine. Techno, stop.” 

Techno stops, and goes to lunge for his brother, but Phil stands in the way.

“We still have a problem to deal with.”

The twins collectively sigh. 

Wilbur moves to have a look at the boy, he looks peaceful when he’s asleep. Kinda cute.

“Maybe, maybe we should just take him home. Really it would just be the most reasonable option here.” Wilbur suggests.

“You’re going soft.” Techno smirks.

Wilbur slaps him.

“Boys!” Philza has lived a thousand years, and yet nothing has ever brought him more stress than these two, “It’s a good idea. He can stay at ours for the night.”

The trio takes Tommy back to their apartment and sets him now on the lounge to sleep, they give him blankets and pillow and hope that’s enough for the night.

Phil and Techno head to their bedrooms, and as Wilbur is about to head in too, he hears a small voice.

“Tubbo? Is that you?”

Wilbur looks over to where Tommy is now sitting up on the lounge and rubbing his eyes.

Wilbur walks over and sits next to the boy.

“No, it’s me, Siren. But just, call me Wilbur.”

“Okay, Wilbur.” The boy yawns, laying back down.

Wilbur smiles and gets up to go to bed.

Meow.

Tommy shoots awake, fully aware of the noise, and Wilbur turns around to face him.

“Is that my fucking cat?” Wilbur screams.

“It’s not your cat! It’s my cat! I found it, bitch. Finders keepers!”

“Give him back!”

Techno and Philza appear from their rooms, and watch the commotion as it unfolds.

“No! Fuck you! Henry is mine. And they aren’t a him! They use they and it pronouns. I bet you didn’t even ask. You’re a shit father.”

“What? Fine. Whatever. Give them back!”

Tommy holds Henry closer to his chest.

“Fuck you, bitch! They love me more! I’ve found them twice!”

“Are you even old enough to own a cat?”

“Shut up, dickhead, you’re stupid. Stupid and dumb.”

“ Give me the cat. ”

“No.”

“What.”

“No.

“Yes!”

“No!”

“What? Fine! Fuck you. I’m going to bed.”

Wilbur storms off into his bedroom. His voice didn’t work. Weird. But he could have just taken the cat.

He sighs. Of course he gave into that stupid child. Who wouldn’t?

Tommy is satisfied with himself and lays back down.

“Sorry you had to witness that, Henry.”

Meow.

“Night, Tommy. Get some rest.” Philza tells him, before he and Techno exit.

---

It’s early when Tommy wakes up. 

Shit. 

So that wasn’t a dream.

Tommy looks around. No sign of anyone awake yet. 

Though, looking back on it, it’s kinda cool that he got rescued by the highest ranked superheroes in his city. And he got to stay the night.

Tommy sighs.

Unfortunately, if he doesn’t get home soon Tubbo will kill him. He already has a cat, that’s bad enough.

He also needs to explain to his boss what happened. And find his car.

Shit .

Tommy has a long day ahead of him. At least he slept well.

Tommy scoops up Henry, and places them on his shoulder. 

“Let’s go pal.”

---

Tommy swings open the door to his apartment, “Honey! I’m home!”

No response.

Tubbo’s usually awake by now. Weird.

Tommy walks into their shared bedroom.

What. The. SHIT.

Tubbo is there. And so is some lanky kid with split dye black and white hair.

“What the fuck! ”

TLDR; TommyInnit’s Guide on: How to Get a Pet (and get kidnapped in the process)

1. Go to work
2. Almost get killed
3. Find your cat (aka your best friend)
4. Chase your cat
5. Get kidnapped
6. Meet women (they’re very nice)
7. Yell at a superhero
8. Profit.

Chapter Text

There were three certain in Tommy’s life:

1. He was the biggest man alive.
2. Any problem can be solved with enough time and fire.
3. He and Tubbo are each other's ride or die.

Looking at the e-boy who has taken up residence in his house while he was gone, it seems as though only those first two are true.

The thing's name is ‘Ranboo.’ Stupid name. Stupid person. His name sounds like Boob. Ranboob. And he has not left yet.

Truly, what type of person just enters someone else's house and doesn’t leave when they get politely asked to.

It was probably Tubbo rubbing off on him, what a terrible influence. Tommy can’t believe he’s the only sensible one left in this house. It’s hard being such a good person all the time. 

Tommy sits across the dining room table, staring at the other two people in his house. They’re looking intently at something on the laptop placed on the table between them.

“Remind me how you learned to code… nukes.” Ranboo questions the boy sitting next to him.

Tubbo shrugs, “It wasn’t difficult, all you need is a different browser, a VPN and like 2 Bitcoin.” 

“Wha- Where did you get Bitcoin?” 

“I’m very good at poker.”

“I am so concerned.” Ranboo looks up to meet Tommy’s glare, “Did you know about this?”

“Shut your mouth, Ranboob, I know everything about Tubbo. He’s my best friend.”

Ranboob lets out an awkward chuckle.

“Mhm, mhm, right.”

“Are you doubting me, Ranboo?”

“No, I’m-”

“I don’t like you.”

“I am aware. So, so aware.”

“Tommy!” Tubbo scolds. He then turns to Ranboo, “I know how to make mini nukes, help me build one?”

Tommy gasps. How dare he. The audacity of that man.

Tommy hates men. 

Men are trash.

How dare Tubbo offer to make mini nukes with the slenderman that invaded their home? That was something that he did with Tubbo! Not anyone else.

Who cares if it ended badly last time. 

It wasn’t Tommy’s fault.

Tubbo hadn’t told him that he wasn’t meant to press the red button. What’s the point of a red button if not to press it? Bullshit if you ask him.

Sure, that series of events meant that they had to get their kitchen sink replaced, but again, not Tommy’s fault.

A kitchen sink was no reason to betray Tommy’s trust and friendship. The years that they had spent together, the laughs they had traded, the streets they had wanders, all gone. Tubbo has someone else to play nukes with now. 

Tommy stands up, scraping his chair against the wooden floor, which makes the other two cringe. 

“I am going to win you back, Tubster. You’ll see. I’m better than this boob”

Tubbo looks up at him, “Tommy, don’t call him that.”

“That’s all you’re taking from that? Really, man?”

“You are very emotionally unstable, TommyInnit.”

“That is so not fair! What the fuck, man!”

“Have fun, don’t do drugs.”

“Maybe I will. Maybe I will do drugs. Then you will feel bad about betraying me. When I am dead and on drugs.”

“Okay, Tommy.”

Tubbo looks back at his laptop.

Tommy huffs. What a bitch. Tommy is not emotionally unstable, he is just vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with that.

Big men are allowed to cry. 

With that, Tommy grabs his hoodie from the floor, making sure to be careful so Henry doesn’t fall out of the hood when he puts it on.

Good kitty.

“Surely not! I refuse to believe you bought the cat back, you dick!” Tubbo yells.

“Their name is Henry. Do not be rude to it, they’re just a little baby.”

“Oh my god! I am quite upset. If you don’t want me to be quite upset, you can get rid of the cat. Capiche?”

“I will do something better. We will be going now.”

Henry lays their head on Tommy’s shoulder.

It always has Tommy’s back.

Tommy marches out the door, slamming it behind him.

---

“Should we go after him?” Ranboo asks once Tommy is gone.

Tubbo shrugs with indifference, “He has to come back eventually. He always does.”

---

Tommy is walking down the street, thinking of what he could possibly buy Tubbo that will win his friendship back. 

What is it that makes Ranboob a better best friend?

Is it his height? Tommy could buy big, high, shoes like he sees all of the hip influencers wear.

Was it Ranboob's stupid heart shaped locket? Tommy had no issue with robbery. It could be his in a matter of seconds. Sleight of hand is a blessing.

Could it be his split dyed, yin and yang looking hair? Tommy could-

No. 

Tommy wouldn’t do that. If it is the hair that is the issue, then Tommy would just have to suffice with Henry as his best friend. 

He loves Tubbo, but the embarrassment of that hair. No fucking way.

What Tommy needs is a very badass gift that reminds Tubbo of all the time that they have spent together, and one that reminds him of how epic of a best friend he is.

But what could possibly do that job?

Tommy ponders for a moment. There is nothing that he has destroyed recently that needs replacing, so it has to be something sentimental.

Something from the heart.

Something that will spark joy in Tubbo’s heart.

That's it!

A flamethrower.

Tubbo had lost his flamethrower last year and hadn’t been able to recreate it. 

Perfect. Tommy was going to get Tubbo the most epic flamethrower that the world had ever seen.

He’s such a good friend.

The only issue is that Tubbo used his first pay check to buy food, and his second pay check, well, he hadn’t really returned to work to get it.

That could potentially be an issue. Tommy didn’t return the car either. 

God, getting kidnapped had really fucked up his day.

It’s fine, all he has to do is go into work, explain what happened, and get paid.

Easy money.

---

Wilbur is the first to wake up, which isn’t unusual. He usually wakes up to make breakfast for the other two. 

His cooking is objectively the best, and he gets a rush of serotonin when the others compliment him, so an early rise isn’t a terrible price to pay.

As he walks out into the living room, he sees a blanket strewn on the ground and remembers that they let Tommy stay overnight.

The kid pisses him off, sure. But he was fine when his mouth wasn’t open. 

And Wilbur guesses the kid could be funny.

For a child, that is.

Wilbur sneaks over to the lounge.

“ Wake up, kid.” Wilbur whispers. 

Nothing happens.

Why isn’t the kid waking up?

Wilbur peers over the top of the couch. Right. That’s why his powers aren’t working.

The kid isn’t there.

Oh fuck.

The kid isn’t there.

What if he’s dead? Or hurt? Or kidnapped?

Wilbur abandons his breakfast plans and runs into the hallway, where each of their bedrooms lay behind a door.

“Wake the fuck up we have an emergency!” He screams.

Alert, Phil walks out of his door, followed by a groggy Techno.

“What’s up, mate?” Phil asks.

Techno yawns.

“Tommy’s gone.” Wilbur tells them.

Phil looks even more alert, and even Techno’s eyebrows raise slightly. 

The three of them hurry out into the loungeroom, and inspect at the spot in which Tommy had resided the night before.

Techno walks over to the lounge and picks something up.

Keys.

“Come on, the kid could have been more careful. I mean, I’m a good person, but even I’m tempted to steal this dude's whole car.” Techno comments.

Wilbur lets out a ‘hmpf.’ How did the kid get home without his car? 

“Tech, don’t. And Wil, it’ll be fine. I swear to god this kid is a little shit.”

“So true.” Techno responds.

“Wait, wait, wait. I remember seeing his car outside of the stash house.” Wilbur perks up.

“Great! Good idea. We can grab the car, and take it back to his work and try to find him there.” 

“Do we have to?”

“Don’t be a dickhead, Technoblade.”

Techno punches Wilbur in the jaw.

“Take the L, nerd.”

—-

It is a terrible day for the TommyInnit community.

Big man Manifold is not impressed with his excuse, even though, for once, there is not even a hint of falsified story.

It’s been 10 minutes of constant explanation and it’s time to pull out the big guns.

“Manifold, if you do not give me my pay check I will sue you.”

“Ha!- That is so, not how it works.”

Shit. The big guns didn’t work.

“Manifold, tell me your real name.”

“Will you stop bothering me if I tell you?”

“Yes, king.”

“Jack.”

“Jaaaack! Why don’t you believe me.”

Jack should know better by now. That’s on him.

Jack sighs.

“To summarise: You just told me that you went to deliver pizza and got chased now by some man with a baseball bat, which made you find some cat-“

“Henry.”

“Whatever, and whilst following the cat you got kidnapped by some lady mafia bosses and then rescued by the top ranking heroes in the city.”

“Correct.”

“Does that sound at all realistic?”

“It’s the fuckin’ truth!”

“We can vouch for that.” A voice perks up behind them.

On cue, both Jack and Tommy turn around to face the voice.

No fucking way.

Standing there, in the small Pizza Hut, are the three literal most famous people in the city.

How do they keep finding him?

Fucking stalker fans.

“Oh! Uh- Wow. Hey, Philza! Aha, big fan, man. Huge fan.”

“Thanks….”

“Jack.”

“Jack!”

Tommy furrows his brow, “So it takes you 5 seconds to tell Philza your name, but I have to bribe you? This is terrible.”

“There’s a difference.”

“Oh, yeah? What’s the difference?”

“I actually like Philza.”

Tommy stutters and goes to lunge at his boss, but someone grabs his shirt to keep him in place.

Tommy looks back.

The Blade.

What a bitch.

Tommy glares at the man.

“I usually support violence, but I also support you gettin’ money.” Techno says. Tommy takes it as an apology. 

Right, maybe not a total bitch.

“So his story is true?” Jack asks the heroes.

Philza lets out a hearty laugh, “Surprisingly, yeah. Also, we bought his car back, so no worries about that.”

Tommy inwardly thanked the gods for the existence of Philza. Philza, the only man ever.

“I’ll go write your cheque.” Jack shakes his head, and walks into the office.

Tommy stares at the three men in front of him. 

Well this is awkward.

And Wilbur is death-staring him.

“So, fellas. How’s things?”

“What the fuck, Tommy? You can’t just run off like that. We had no idea where you were. You could have been, I, I don’t fucking know, killed or something!” Wilbur bursts out. 

God, he’s causing a scene. Lucky there aren’t any customers.

“Calm down, Wilbur. You are a public nuisance right now. That is not very poggers of you.”

“You’re a gremlin. A gremlin child. I hate you.”

“It sounds like you were worried about me. Awww, you love me, I am so cool and you were worried.”

“That is not true, I hate you.”

“Okay, Wilbur, awwww.”

Wilbur opens his mouth to talk again, but Jack walks out.

“Here’s your cheque. Have a great day guys. It was awesome meeting you.”

Philza chucks him another smile and a nod before heading out.

God, he is so cool.

And now he can buy Tubster his gift. 

“Well, thanks for that fellas, but I’ll be going now.”

They all stare at him. Seriously, what is their problem?

Tommy rattles in his pockets for his keys. Nothing.

Hoodie pockets? Nothing.

Tommy grabs Henry out of his hood.

“That’s my fucking cat.” Tommy hears Wilbur mumble.

He will ignore that for now, because it is simply incorrect.

“Did you take my keys, Henry?” Tommy asks.

Meow.

That’s a no.

Tommy hears a rattle and looks up to see Philza dangling his keys.

“Philza! King! Only man ever! Thanks for that, I’ll be taking those.”

Tommy reaches for the keys but Philza pulls them back.

“Not so fast, mate. I had a quick check of the system, and you don’t have your license.” 

“Awww, come on man! Let me live, let me vibe. I am just vibing. Vibe master.”

Philza shares a look with Techno and odds.

Techno reaches over and picks Tommy up. Tommy easily could have defended himself, obviously, he’s a big man. But for Techno’s sake, he figure’s he’ll give him this win.

Techno deposits Tommy in the driver’s seat of the car.

“You can’t run away from your problems, Tommy. Not when peer pressure is involved.” Techno chuckles.

“You can’t do this, dickhead! I’ll sue you! I know my rights!”

“Name one right.”

“The right to fucking kill!”

Techno leans in close.

“You know I killed an orphan once.”

Tommy scooches away.

“Y-You. Ha. What? You did.. What the fuck, man?”

Techno smiles and moves away, back to where the other two are standing.

“Okay! Great job, Techno. Now we just need an instructor.”

Tommy watches as slowly two sets of eyes turn to look at Wilbur.

“What? Me? No fucking way.”

---

Wilbur sits in the passenger's seat next to Tommy.

“I hate you and I hope you crash.” Wilbur mumbles.

Outside the window there is a flash. Techno is there with a camera pointed at the two. Huge dickhead.

Philza grins at them, “Sorry, Tommy. Wilbur’s the best driver. Have fun boys! Be back by 5 for your test.”

Tommy flips him the bird. Double dickhead.

“He should be apologising to me.” Wilbur sighs.

“Aw, I’m Wilbur. I am so sad and lonely. My life is so hard. I am so sad and I am edgy.” Tommy mimics.

“I will fucking kill you.”

“That’s not very hero-like, Wilbur.”

“ Drive .”

Tommy looks over at the hero in the car next to him. He keeps using his stupid power voice, but it clearly isn’t that good because Tommy has no urge to drive.

Tommy is very smart though, the smartest man alive, in fact, and judging by the look on Wilbur’s face, Tommy decides it’s the smartest move to begin to drive.

Wilbur’s face is smug.

---

Surprising both Tommy and Wilbur, nothing really goes wrong. Tommy is a good driver. He’s safe and courteous of others, and doesn’t even get mild road rage. 

“How long have you been driving for?” Wilbur asks as they turn a corner.

“Uh, you know, about two days?”

“Shit! Tommy, I hate to admit it, but you’re a natural.”

“Thanks, big man.”

“Anytime.”

A driver goes to cut the car off, and Tommy breaks just in time for them to not get hit.

Maybe Tommy should be teaching Wilbur to drive.

“Nice one, Toms. Turn left at these lights and we’re just going to park up the road there.”

Shit.

Parking.

Once again, Tommy has no flaws. He is hip and cool and swag and probably the world's most eligible bachelor. 

He just hasn’t learned to park yet.

“Yeah, about parking..” Tommy trails off as he turns left around the corner.

“You can’t park?”

“It’s not that I can park, ‘cause- ‘Cause I can. I just. Haven’t mastered it yet.”

“Awww, Tommy, you can say you don’t know how to park, it’s okay.” Wilbur mocks.

Tommy rolls his eyes, “Thanks for the pep talk, dickhead.”

Wilbur laughs and points to a parking spot near the gutter, “We’re going to park there, it’ll be fine.”

“Can’t you just, magic voice me into parking good? I think it would save us a lot of time, you know time is money and all that and I love money, myself so-”

“Just park.”

“No.”

“Tommy.” Wilbur warns.

“I am feeling very undignified right now.”

“Do it for Philza.”

Tommy takes a deep breath. For Philza. Wilbur already knows his weak spot. He would do anything for Philza.

“Okay, Henry. We can do this.”

Henry pops out of Tommy hood and purrs against the side of his face.

Wilbur lets out a soft ‘aww’ at the sight before he speaks.

“When did Henry get here?”

“They are always here. Of course you didn’t know. Terrible father.”

Tommy looks at the parking spot.

“Okay, so pull up next to the car in front until you can see the rear of the car in your back window.” Wilbur instructs. Tommy pulls up next to the car and then places his own car in reverse. 

Tommy begins to reverse the car. Stressful shit, frankly.

Tommy knows Wilbur is saying something but he can’t hear it. All he can focus on is this stupid fucking car spot. Why can’t people just park wherever they want?

It’s an infringement on, uh, civil liberties.

Tommy doesn't make the park. What he does is drive up the gutter.

Absolutely shit time. Parking is fucked. 

“It’s fine, Toms. Hop out and I’ll park it.” Wilbur says, placing a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. 

Mopily, Tommy agrees and gets out, standing on the sidewalk while he watches Wilbur effortlessly park the car.

Showoff.

As the car is parked, Philza and Techno appear from around the corner, carrying slushies.

Tommy waves to them as they approach, and Wilbur gets out of the car to meet them.

Techno hands Tommy a red slushie, “It gives you power before your test.”

“Thanks, Blade.” Tommy sighs before taking a large sip.

He’s glad Techno has a great taste in slushie colour. 

Shit.

Brain freeze.

Tommy puts his thumb to the roof of his mouth, a trick Tubbo once taught him on how to get rid of brain freeze.

“You alright, Tommy?” Phil asks.

“Ma bwain, fwozen.” Tommy gets out, causing the man to laugh at him.

This is not a funny situation, Tommy is in pain. He feels like he is going to die. He could die, and the people meant to protect him are just standing there laughing at him. Pathetic.

“You’re a dick, Philza.” Tommy states once he recovers.

“Oi! Mind your language, you’re still a child.”

“Bitch. How does that make you feel, Philza? Bitch, shit, cum, fuck, dick, cum.”

“You can call me Phil, mate.”

“That’s all you took from that?”

Phil turns away from him. Tommy reminds himself that it is okay because Phil is the only good man ever.

“How’d he go, Wil?” Phil asks.

“He was great!” Wilbur glances at Tommy and then lowers his voice, “Just can’t park.”

“I can park!” Tommy buts in.

“Hush, child. No you can’t.” 

“I am not a child. I am 6’3 and awesome.”

“No chance, you’re not 6’3” Techno pipes up

“I am but whatever- I’ll be fine, I'll just wing it.” Tommy shrugs, faking nonchalance. He is actually super, mega fucking stressed.

The plan was to put off getting a license for as long as possible, but look where he is.

This is shit. 

Phil checks his watch, “You’re going to have to wing it, it’s almost 5.”

The three heroes start walking when Tommy has a thought.

“Uh, guys. How am I going to test? You need like, a booklet and shit with like, heaps of hours of driving.”

Maybe paying attention when Tubbo is talking does benefit him sometimes.

“Oh, right!” Phil says, reaching into his jacket. Phil pulls out a driving logbook and hands it to Tommy, “Tech and I filled it out.”

“You forged this?”

“Don’t worry, Tommy. You’re a good driver anyway, don’t worry.” Wilbur tells him.

“A little forgery never killed anyone.” Techno adds.

Tommy stares blankly at the three. What the fuck.

Tommy feels like he’s been involved in more crime in the last 3 days then in his entire life due to these guys.

“You know boys, for heroes, you engage in a lot of illegal activity.” 

“Is that a problem?” Wilbur asks.

“Nah, it’s properly cool.”

They take off again. Guess it hasn’t been that terrible of a detour, plus, Tommy got a slushie out of it which is pretty poggers.

They arrive outside of the service centre and Tommy takes a deep breath. He’s a big man, he can do this. No problem. It’s just like driving with Wilbur.

Techno gives Tommy a pat on the back, “It’s like Sun Tzu said, ‘Never venture, never win.’”

Tommy has no idea what that means, but Techno looks happy with himself.

Wilbur nods at Tommy, “Just give it your all. You’re good, Tommy. You’re really good.”

Awww. There’s no way Wilbur hates him. It’s the classic TommyInnit charm.

“You ready, mate?” Phil asks. 

“Fuck yeah. I’m going to girlboss the shit outta this driving teacher. They won’t even be able to make eye contact with me because my girl will be bossing them not to.”

Phil gives him an unreadable look. Once again, the classic TommyInnit charm had worked its magic. Indifference, his favourite.

Tommy walks through the doors and goes to check in for his test.

---

The driving section of his test was more than successful. 

Tommy is pretty sure he is a god, and undoubtedly the best driver ever. Plus, his instructor is nice.

“So, I have to ask. But Philza made your appointment, and Siren taught you to drive? What’s up with that?”

“Oh, uh-” Tommy, slows to a stop at a red light before answering, “They’re my buddies, my pals, my amigos. We go way back, ya know? Good blokes. Not Siren though, bit of an ass, that one.”

His instructor lets out a laugh, “Noted. Siren’s an ass. The Blade has always been my favourite.”

Tommy nods, “The Blade is awesome. Quite the violent fella, though. Think he killed an orphan one time. And I go ‘Uh Oh, Blade, buddy, calm yourself.’ and yet he never stops.”

“Killed an orphan?”

“It is speculation of sorts but he is motivated by violence and money.”

His instructor nodded again, “I see. Still my favourite.”

“Aw, that's poggers, man!”

They fall silent for a moment, until his instructor points to the street in which they took off from.

“You’re just going to turn up here and then park, and we’re done!”

Parking. Shit, he’d forgotten about that one. Not good, not good. He is still a little incapable. 

Tommy turns down the street and pulls up next to the car in front of the parking spot, making sure he can see the rear of the car in his back window. 

He can do this. 

He’s TommyInnit.

---

“You fucking legend!” Phil exclaims, patting Tommy on the back as he shows them his new license.

He hadn’t actually parked.

Instead he’d caused a large distraction, telling his instructor there was a fight outside his window. While his instructor had his back turned, Tommy had placed Henry on the bonnet of the car and told them to play dead. Upon entering the car, Tommy had screamed that a cat had fallen from the sky. They’d both gotten out to check on the cat, and Henry did a great job of playing dead. His instructor said he wouldn’t have to finish his test if he’d take the cat to the vet, as his instructor still had work. Obviously, Tommy agreed, and his instructor had very quickly gotten the paperwork done before sending Tommy away.

As Techno had told him, ‘Never venture, never win.’

Anyway, the boys never needed to know what happened. To them, he passed with flying colours.

“I say we celebrate with pizza, thoughts Tommy?”

Tommy shudders. He once thought he could never get old of pizza, but after seeing what happens in his place of work. Fuck no. He’s never eating pizza again.

Wilbur looks excited though. And he did help him get his license. 

It’s hard being the best person in the entire world.

“Yeah, sounds great, man.”

Wilbur bursts out laughing, “I’m just kidding with you, Toms. We’ll get whatever.”

---

The four of them arrive at the penthouse with bags full of Nandos, Burgers and Thai food. 

It’s safe to say they couldn’t decide on just one thing.

Techno, Wilbur and Tommy set up in the kitchen, while Phil unpacks all the bags, ready to put them on the table.

This definitely isn’t where Tommy thought his day would lead him.

Phil eventually brings over the food and they all sit down for dinner.

“Tommy, can you pass the salt?” Wilbur asks.

Tommy looks up from his plate of chicken, mouth still full. Can’t Wilbur see he’s busy here?

“No.”

Wilbur huffs, “Please.”

“No.”

“Tommy!”

“Boys! Break it up, we’re having dinner.” Phil interjects.

“He started it!” Wilbur argues.

“Yeah, cause William’s a dick.”

“Just pass me the fucking salt, you menace!”

“For the final time, no.”

“ Pass the salt. ”

Stupid voice.

“No way.”

The heroes exchange glances.

“Did he just-” Techno begins.

“I don’t even know.”

“He just played your powers, get played, nerd!” 

Played his powers? Whatever, Tommy’s mind is obviously just too strong and impenetrable.

“ Pass the salt.” Wilbur says to Techno.

Techno reaches over the table to grab the salt and pass it to Wilbur.

“Heh, that wasn’t too bad.” Techno comments.

“Now start slapping yourself”

“Aw, come on!”

---

After dinner, Tommy excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

What he forgot, though, was to ask where the bathroom is, because now he’s standing in a room surrounded by weapons.

Pretty fucking sick.

Tommy decides he needs a knife. He could be ‘TommyInnit man of wives and knives’ and that would be poggers.

Tommy walks up to the far wall- Maybe he could use a gun too.

Tommy reaches his hand up-

“As funny as it would be to see you try and hold that thing, I’ll warn you now. If you touch that, you’ll die.”

Tommy turns around.

“Death is not my friend, he does not want me around.”

“Whatever you say, child.”

“Not a child.”

Techno walks up next to Tommy and looks at the wall, “How’d you make your way here?”

“I needed to take a piss.”

It’s true. And he still does.

“Oh. The bathrooms up the stairs on the right.”

Techno heads to another wall in the room, the wall isn’t so much weapons, but more gadgets.

That’s when it hits Tommy. His original mission of the day.

Tommy’s eyes gaze over the walls.

Nunchucks, knives, batons, guns, a bazooka.

There. A flamethrower. 

While Techno’s back is turned, Tommy slowly lifts it off the wall, bracing for the death Techno had previously mentioned.

Nothing. Guess Techno just underestimated him.

“Right, well. I’ll be going. Cya, Techno, Blade. Technoblade.”

Tommy runs up the stairs.

---

Tommy exits the penthouse, after turning down their offered rides. His car would do just fine.

Tommy looks at the giant flamethrower in his hands. Close call.

---

“Anyone else notice Tommy was acting weird when he left?” Phil asked.

“Well, duh. He stole a flamethrower.”

“I’m sorry, Techno. And you didn’t stop him?”

“For reference, he would have taken it anyway.”

“You little shit.”

---

“Tubbo, I’m home!” Tommy calls, picking Henry up out of his hood, before shrugging off his jacket.

“We’re in the loungeroom!” Tubbo calls back.

Tommy walks into the room, where Tubbo and Ranboo are sitting on the lounge, watching Coco. 

“So does the Boob just live here now?” Tommy sneers.

“Tommy, don’t be a dick, just come join us. The movie just started.” Tubbo moves away from Ranboo to create a seat in the middle for him.

“Ranboob, I am kicking you out of my house.”

“Our house.” Tubbo corrects, “And I’m not just going to let you kick him out, he’s cool.”

By now, Henry has jumped off of Tommy’s shoulder and into Ranboo’s lap.

“You hear that, Henry? Tubbo thinks I’m cool!” Ranboo murmurs, stroking Henry’s fur.

“Henry, you traitor- you, you bitch!” Tommy yells.

He takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Henry. I didn’t mean that. I was angry and I lashed out and that was not very epic and cool of me.”

Meow.

Phew. Glad he’s forgiven.

Well. Tubbo isn’t letting Ranboob leave, so desperate times call for desperate measures.

Tommy leans down next to Ranboo’s ear.

“I stole a flamethrower today. If you don’t leave right now, I won’t hesitate to light you on fire. And that’s not even the worst thing I’ll do.”

Ranboo jumps up and hands Henry to Tommy.

“Yep, yup. Uh- I think, yeah, I think I’ll be going now. Thank you for having me. Yup.” Ranboo heads out the door.

Tommy jumps over the back of the lounge and takes his seat next to Tubbo. Mission successful.

His best friend sighs at him, “What did you say to him, Tommy?”

“Nothing important.”

Tubbo raises an eyebrow.

“I’ll tell you what is important! I got you something. Close your eyes.”

Tubbo does so, and holds out his hands, “I swear to God, Tommy. If it’s another animal I will slaughter you.”

Weak threats. Tubbo would never.

Tommy places the flamethrower in his hands, “Open!”

Tubbo opens his eyes and inspects the machine in front of him.

His eyes widen in surprise and his face breaks out into a grin.

Tommy nailed it.

“This- Where did you even get this? You can even buy these models on the dark web, I’ve been looking for this forever!”

Tommy shrugs and smiles at his best friend, “I know some people.”

Tubbo wraps Tommy in a hug and Tommy lets out an audible ‘naw.’

“Thanks, Toms.”

“Anytime, Tubster.”

“I’m totally going to go burn some shit!”

---

TLDR; TommyInnit’s Guide on: How to get a license (and win back your best friend in the process)

1. Get your house invaded by a boob
2. Figure out how to win your best friend back (Flamethrowers always win)
3. Get berated by your boss
4. Get berated by heroes
5. Drive without a license
6. Learn how to park (WORK IN PROGRESS)
7. Steal a flamethrower
8. Profit

Chapter Text

Tommy’s alarm goes off. 

Time for another day.

---

Sapnap and George are sitting on the couch of their best friend. He has gone to get groceries which means that the two of them are unbelievably bored. They’ve already played 4 rounds of Mario Kart and almost killed each other in an intense game of CLUEDO.

“So what are we meant to do now?” Sapnap asks, laying over the lounge.

George looks up at him and shrugs.

Sapnap looks around the house and stares into the kitchen. It’s pretty empty. 

George follows Sapnap’s line of sight.

“Pizza?” They ask at the same time, before breaking into giggles.

That’s when it hits George, “Sapnap, I have an idea.” 

Sapnap hums and raises an eyebrow at his friend, “What idea is that?” 

“Why don’t we get a feed in for all of us?”

—-

Jack looks at the docket that comes through to the kitchen.

ONE EXTRA LARGE CHEESE PIZZA.

Notes: can u pls send us the employee u hate the most to deliver it thanks x

Huh.

Jack furrows his brows and turns the paper over in his hands. Surely it’s some sort of joke. 

Not the strangest request he’s ever had though.

They don’t talk about the strangest one.

In fact, they don’t talk about New Year’s day at all.

Jack shudders.

A loud CRASH! rings through the back of the shop. 

Jack looks up from the docket to see Tommy standing there, pizza trays strewn onto the floor next to him.

“What happened?” Jack asks defeatedly.

Tommy gives him a shy grin, “I had an accident, bossman.”

“I can see that. Fix it.”

“Right on it.”

Jack watches the boy scramble on his hands and knees trying to get the trays back on the bench. 

It takes Tommy longer than it would take any normal, functioning human being.

Surprisingly, he only falls flat on his face twice. 

New record.

“Good as new, king.” Tommy salutes to Jack.

“Right, don’t you have anything else to do?”

Tommy surveys the area. Boring job. Nothing to do, ever. 

Super fucking lame.

“Nothing to do. Your business is going to shit, my man. Bankrupt I think.”

Jack looks at him blankly. Does this kid know how business works?

“You know I don’t own this place, right?”

Tommy blinks at him, and turns his head to the side, “You don’t?”

“No.”

“Explains the broken-ass shoes.”

Jack’s patience is so thin. So, so thin.

Wait.

Jack looks down at the docket in his hand.

Then up at Tommy.

Then down at the docket.

And back at Tommy.

“I have a job for you.”

—-

Notes: can u pls send us the employee u hate the most to deliver it thanks x

What. The. Fuck.

This is bullshit. Bullocks. Pussy-ass shit.

Of course Jack has a vendetta against him. 

It’s probably because Tommy is a bigger man than Jack will ever be. That’s it. Totally the reason. 

You know, things were going splendid before this, it was a great day.

There were no superheroes, no evil Ranbitches, no getting kicked out of the house. Nothing!

But it has now all been ruined because Tommy is the most hated employee. 

He should report this to HR. 

He knows the law. This is harassment.

Tommy sighs bleakly. Henry would know what to do right now, they always do. 

Unfortunately, Tubbo made him keep Henry at home because it’s “unsanitary to keep a cat around food all day.”

Seems like bullshit, but Tubbo was insisting.

Tommy double checks the address and turns onto the street in which he’s to deliver to.

The house is at the end of the dead-end street and is as big as Tommy’s whole apartment complex.

His life sucks. Why can’t he have a cool mansion at the end of a street? 

Tommy still has to share a bed. 

Lucky he doesn’t wet it anymore.

Tommy parks in front of the house. He decides the lawn still counts as in front of the house, and that this is a parking success. 

Maybe if Wilbur was a better teacher he wouldn’t have this problem.

Then again, every protagonist needs a flaw.

He gets out of the car and grabs the pizza from the passenger's seat.

Inwardly, he hopes that there are at least three people eating this pizza.

Their extra larges just keep getting larger. Tommy needs two hands to carry it. It makes him look like a small man (which he is not).

Tommy takes the steep climb up the driveway to the door, and once he’s arrived, he knocks on it once.

The door gets pulled open so fast, he’s surprised he doesn’t it doesn’t come off its hinges.

Some people just need to calm down.

Instead of being greeted with an overly enthusiastic father or edgy 13 year old, Tommy is greeted with a camera in his face.

Come on.

He doesn’t get paid enough for this.

Tommy sighs, “One extra large cheese pizza for George?”

The camera doesn’t move.

This is fucked.

Still not the weirdest thing that’s ever happened while delivering pizza. Tommy doesn’t talk about the weirdest thing.

Surely enough, two people emerge from behind the camera, removing it from Tommy’s face, to instead get all of them in the frame.

“Hey!” One of them said in an American accent.

Fucking Americans. That explains it. Tommy hates Americans. Fuckin’ center of attention, they are.

“Tommy.. Innit.” The other one says. He’s British, at least. “Weird name but okay.”

“That’ll be $17-“

“How would you like to win $100?”

Now that’s got his attention. 

Tommy could go for $100. There's nothing bad about $100. And Tommy’s no cheap man.. If he wants to live his life of luxury.

“Yeah, alright. What’s in it for you, then?”

“Nothing! Just tell us this.” The British one begins, “What's the most wild thing you’ve ever done?” 

Oh. 

That’s not bad.

What’s the wildest thing Tommy has ever done?

He broke into a bank once.. That was pretty wild. Not the most wild though.

He purposely provoked Tubbo once when they were 13. That was wild. He never did it again. But no-one wants to hear that.

But what else?

There was that time delivering- No. 

He needs something else.

“Uhh…” Tommy thinks, “Oh! Right. I got kidnapped by the Mafia the other day.”

The two looked at each other and shared a look that Tommy couldn’t put his finger on. Weirdchamp.

“Anyway here’s your pizza. I guess it’ll be $117.80 now.”

Tommy put the pizza in the American’s hands and opened his fanny pack to place the money in. When he gets handed it, that is.

Tommy looks up blankly at the two standing in front of him who are still exchanging glances.

“Look- if you’re just gonna stand there, I can go. Like, I’ll come back later.”

Tommy begins to back down the stairs.

“Wait!” The American yells quickly.

Fucking hell.

Tommy spins around. He really needs to go back to his shop, they’re understaffed.

“The mafia you say?”

“Mate, I’d love to stay and chat but-”

“Recreate it for $10,000” The British one pipes in.

Tommy stops in his tracks.

Fuck, well that’s not a small amount of money, is it? Not the worst deal in the world.

He turns around and walks back to the door. That fuckin’ camera’s still there.

“Recreate it?”

“The mafia thing, do it again and we’ll give you $10,000.”

“Why? How do you even have this money? Are you laundering drugs? If so, can I have some.”

The two laugh at him before the American (stupid Americans) pipes up, “I’m Sapnap, and this is George. We run a YouTube prank channel, we make gains on there.”

Gains? Weird American.

And that name.. ‘Sapnap’ seems familiar. 

Oh well, the story seems legit. And a spare $10,000 never hurt anyone.

Maybe he can buy Tubbo’s love back. Or buy Henry some premium cat food. Or buy a house. 

What can you even do with that much money?

“Alright, boys. I’m in. Where do we start?”

The two share an unknown look again, “Take us there.”

---

“So, this is the parking lot.” Tommy waves to the empty parking lot where he had turned up a few days ago. 

George turns the camera to where Tommy is sitting in the driver's seat.

“This where you got kidnapped?”

No. He just turned up to a random car park for the fun of it. Real smart, George.

“Uh, yeah.” Tommy says, “It’s more like, in the warehouse. My cat- Henry. They uh, they got in here so I followed it and then next thing you know I was sitting in the dark with my arms and legs tied.”

Sapnap lets out a laugh, “Okay, Tommy. Go into the warehouse and we’ll follow behind.”

“And you’ll get me out? Like, explain to them what’s up?”

“Yeah, sure. You got this, dude.”

Tommy nods to himself. Right, this is no big deal. Plus Niki and Hannah were quite nice hosts. Wish Henry was here though.

Tommy gets out of the car and walks over to the warehouse. The door was closed, unlike last time. Should he knock? Surely not. He’s gotta recreate it.

Tommy looks back, George and Sapnap are still here, pretty cool of them. 

He grabs the side of the large metal door and slides it open. It’s dark. Shit. Tommy hates the dark. 

Tommy takes a step inside and calls out, “Hello?”

His voice echoes throughout the building, bouncing only off the walls, not off anything else.

He waits for a minute. No reply. 

Fucking hell. 

It’s empty.

“Everything okay in there?” George calls out.

“Yeah, yeah. Just give me a second, men!”

Well what can he do here?

There are two options, really. Tommy can either give in, and tell the guys that he can’t recreate it, and not get his thousand dollars; or he can somehow find the nice ladies he was talking to and convince them to kidnap him again.

If you know TommyInnit, you know the latter is the only option.

He never backs down from a challenge. Or $10,000.

Tommy whips out his phone and pulls up a number he had gotten with absolutely, totally no begging at all. 

The phone rings once.

Then twice.

Three times.

“Hello?”

“Techno! The Blade! My man! How are you, king?”

“Tommy? Is that you?”

“Yeah it is, old man. You going deaf or something?”

Techno lets out a sigh. What a dickhead.

“What do you want, kid?” 

“Do you have Niki’s number?”

Pause.

Longer pause.

Is he dead or something?

“Why do you want that, Tommy?”

Jeez, what crawled up this dude's ass.

“Just need it.”

“Tommy.”

“Techno, look. Pal. I’m running out of time here. Life or death situation happening right now and you are not helping.”

Techno sighs again.

“Uhhhh. Alright. I’ll text it to you. Be good. Or don’t. Just don’t get killed.”

“Thank you, Mr Blade!”

Tommy hangs up the call. Absolutely fucking nailed it.

Within seconds a contact gets shared with him, Nihachu.

Why do all these powerful people have cool names? Tommy wants a cool name. TommyInnit is basic, and he is not basic, he is properly cool.

—-

“What do you think he’s doing in there?” George asks.

“Probably your mother.” Sapnap replies.

—-

As soon as the contact comes in, Tommy rings.

It gets answered on the very first ring.

“Tommy? Hello?” Niki says as soon as she answers.

“Awwww man. How’d you know it was me?” 

“Techno texted me.”

This is utter betrayal. Tommy has never felt this betrayed in his entire life.

“Right. Well, Niki. Miss Nihachu, my frien-“

“How do you know my codename?”

“Nihachu? Well, it all started many year ago-“

“Oh! Techno’s contact name. Nevermind, Tommy. What do you need?”

“Well, before I was rudely interrupted-“

“Sorry!”

“I was saying that I need you to kidnap me again.”

…

Why is there so much silence today? Is that such a ridiculous request? If anything, Tommy believes it’s a pretty tame request if anything.

“Why do you need me to do that?”

“Money.”

Niki exhales, “Are you in danger?”

Tommy hums in thought as he paces around the now empty warehouse.

“Danger? Pah, well, if you don’t hurry up I’m in danger of losing $10,000.”

“I worry for you.”

“Don’t worry nothing can hurt-“ Tommy walks into a pole and lets out a yelp.

Not his best timing, he will admit that.

“I will be there in 5 minutes, Tommy. Stall for me please.”

“Thank you, Niki!”

Tommy hangs up the phone.

Look at him go. All in a day's work.

TommyInnit: Getter of women, and legend of the universe. That’s what people will call him.

Shit- Now he has to stall. 

Should be easy enough, Tubbo likes to tell him that he could talk the walls off if needed.

Tommy walks out of the door to where the pair are standing, still filming.

“So, uh boys. Men. Gentlemen! Slight dilemma, just the tiniest, little dilemma here. You wouldn’t believe it, unreal stuff, really. Mafia are out. Don’t worry! No stress here, there was a- uh- note? Yeah. There was a note, they’ll be back in 5. Those lunch breaks, right? Pretty insane nowadays. Fuckin’ capitialism and shit. Yeah. That. So I guess we just like, chill now. We can be a couple of bros just chilling. Like best friends. We should be best friends.”

Tommy takes a breath and opens his mouth to begin again, but Sapnap cuts him off.

“Yeah, okay, Tommy. We get it, don’t worry. We can just wait here.”

The three head over to the car and take their seats.

Tommy could cut the silence with a knife. He’s praying Niki clutches up soon enough, or he’s going to have to keep talking. 

Tommy is smart enough to pick up on context clues. Talking won’t do him any good. 

He reckons he could probably clart them if needed. He is a big man after all. 

A solid 6”3.

Time drags by slower than ever. It almost has Tommy wishing he was back in the apartment with Ranbitch.

Almost.

Not yet.

Luckily, before it can get to that point, Niki pulls into the car park.

Her car’s dark, with tinted windows, but Tommy recognises it from his last visit here.

“This is it!” He exclaims, as he jumps out of the car and beckons the other two to follow. They do so with haste and mischievous grins.

Tommy is too excited to catch the devilish look they throw at one another.

Niki opens the car door and takes in the scene before rushing over.

Fucking hell, she’s really in character. She looks even angrier than last time, and it was real then. 

She gets closer and closer before grabbing Tommy’s arm and pulling him behind her.

For such a small person she’s very strong.

Or maybe Tommy just needs to go to the gym more.

No way. 

She’s probably just taken, fucking steroids or some shit.

Drugs make you strong.

“Tommy! Why didn’t you tell me it was these two?” Niki scolds.

These.. two? Sapnap and George? His best friends? 

Tommy shrugs and gives her a genuinely confused look. He moves his gaze across to Sapnap and George who are looking at Niki.

From this distance Tommy can’t tell if they’re frightened, confused or amused.

Hey, that rhymed.

Maybe it’s all of those emotions.

“Hey, Nihachu!” George calls from across the parking lot.

“You didn’t tell us it was her you got kidnapped by! Usually kidnapping isn’t done by the big bosses.” Sapnap says next. 

“Sorry, mate.” Tommy weakly yells back.

Honestly, he’s still a bit confused as to what’s happening here. Do the Mafia and Youtube pranksters usually know each other?

Tommy had so much to learn.

“These are bad people, Tommy. We need to get you home.”

“You can’t just take him! That’s not fair.” Sapnap whines. 

George finally puts the camera down.

“You know it’s true, Nihachu. You can’t just take him.”

“Isn’t that what you wanted me to do? Take him? Make him scared?”

On the word ‘scared’ George and Sapnap both shift uncomfortably.

Right, Tommy’s definitely missing something here.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” George replies.

“Look!” Tommy pipes up, “I don’t know what’s happening here. But can I just get kidnapped so I can get my money and go?”

“Your deal is off, Tommy. These guys are bad news!”

“But money-“

“You’re coming with me.”

Despite the protests from behind them, Niki grabs Tommy’s arm and drags him to her car.

“This is so wrong. This is child abuse. You know I am a minor?”

Niki shakes her head and opens the passenger door.

Using his critical thinking skills again, Tommy gets in the car without more argument.

He totally just got owned out there. Not that there is anything wrong with getting beat by a girl. No, no. Getting beat in general is embarrassing.

Tommy is never coming back from this.

Tommy looks over at Niki as she slides into the driver's seat. She looks different to what she did last time. More formal.

“You okay?” Niki asks, catching his gaze.

“Why are you so fancy?” 

Niki puts the car into reverse and begins out of the car park.

“I have a dinner to go to,” She begins, “And you’re coming with me.”

—-

“We’re failures!” Sapnap complains on their walk home.

The two had tried to hijack the child’s car but to no avail. That thing was surprisingly secured.

“Dream’s going to kill us.” George replies.

“Hopefully not literally.”

The two shiver.

“I thought they’d send us some annoying shit who was scared of the dark, not.. Whatever that thing was.” Sapnap continues.

George giggles, “He was annoying.”

“Alright, let’s hurry up. Dream’s probably wondering where we’ve gone.”

---

Niki pulls up to one of the biggest houses Tommy has ever seen. It’s probably even bigger than, like, The White House.

Maybe it is The White House.

And Tommy will admit, it’s a little intimidating. 

“Niki, my friend. Maybe I should just, you know, go. I don’t think this is really my scene. I’m more of a casual typa guy.”

“No. You made me come pick you up, so you need to come in. You’ll be fine, just stick with me.”

“Am I-“ Tommy laughs nervously. What the fuck is his life? “Am I going to get murdered?”

Niki stares blankly at him, before saying with a straight face, “If I wanted you dead you would be already.”

“Everything is scarier in German. Please never threaten me again.”

Niki rolls her eyes and gets out of the car. Tommy jumps out of his seat and trails her like a lost puppy.

Parties aren’t his usual mid-week festivities. 

He’s usually either with Tubbo watching ‘survivor’ or at work.

Oh shit. Work.

Jack is going to kill him.

Oh well, it’s either get killed by Jack or Niki, and Tommy would much rather take Bald Jack Manifold.

There’s a line up out the door, but Niki doesn’t even glance at it, instead she just walks up towards the door.

“Should we be, uh, waiting in the line. They don’t look like the people who would let us cut in.”

Niki ignores him.

“Right, right. Of course.”

She walks up to the bodyguard at the door and the guard stands taller. The big guy nods at Niki and removes the red velvet rope from the entrance. 

Niki gives a small smile to the guard but just swaggers inside. How badass. 

Tommy goes to follow her through the rope but he gets a hand on his chest which stops him in his tracks.

Tommy’s a tall dude but this guard has gotta be 10ft tall at the very least.

“Don’t even think about it, kid. Run off, you’re not getting in.”

Well this is awkward.

The man is staring him down and it’s quite tense.

Tommy can’t say he appreciates it.

Guess he has no choice but to leave now.

And he’s about to! But he makes the mistake of breaking eye contact to look down the hall at Niki.

That woman must have eyes in the back of her head because the second Tommy looks at her, she spins herself around to stare right back at him.

She looks them up and down with a fire in her eyes and marched towards them.

What a girlboss. She is totally girlbossing right now.

Tommy is in awe.

Niki taps the bodyguard on the back, she can’t reach his shoulder. The second her finger touches him, he tenses up.

Ooooo, shit is going to go down.

The guard turns around and stands up straighter.

“He’s with me.” She says.

The hand on Tommy’s chest moves away and Tommy takes the moment to go stand behind Niki. 

He’s not risking anything.

“I-I’m sorry Miss Nihachu. It won’t happen again.” The guard stutters.

Niki nods at him and turns on her heel to walk back down the hall, beckoning Tommy to follow her.

What a fucking legend, dude. What a fucking legend.

Tommy trails behind Niki and realises that he is severely underdressed.

His slightly tattered Dominoes uniform sticks out, just a tiny bit.

Not that he cares, obviously. He’s used to attention. Just usually the attention is from women and not from people who could kill him. Then again, women could kill him too- but that’s all technical.

“I thought you said this was a dinner?” Tommy questions.

Niki gives him a small laugh, “I said I was going to a dinner. Which I am. It’s just.. more exclusive than what’s happening out here.”

Probably Mafia business, Tommy mentally notes.

The two of them reach the end of the hall and Niki opens the door in front of them.

The conversation in the room dulls when the two of them walk in.

“He’s with me. Not a threat.” Niki rolls her eyes, as she drags a chair from the side of the room to the head of the table. 

“Sit here, Tommy.” She motions to the seat that she’s dragged up there.

Awkwardly, Tommy sits there, and Niki takes a seat next to him, the two of them dominating the head of the table while the others still look on at them.

The chatter has completely stopped. 

‘Fuck me,’ Tommy thinks. Why does he always get stuck in awkward situations? 

He doesn’t deserve this. He’s ‘TommyInnit: Lacker of awkwardness, god among men.’

Everyone is staring down at him.

He knows what he needs to do. He puts on his most shit New York accent.

“Boys, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

Silence.

And then the man sitting across from them, the other head of the table breaks out into laughter. 

And soon enough everyone else follows. 

Fuck yes. Tommy is on his comedy arc right now.

“You’re cracked, kid.” The man at the end of the table laughs, “And any friend of Nihachu is a friend of ours.”

Niki grins at the man, “That’s Quackity. I am glad you got his approval. He’s very important to our little family.”

“Quackity, Big Q, my man. I’m TommyInnit. I’m a pretty big deal.”

“Alright, you big son of a bitch. What’s your deal then?”

Tommy looks around at the other people in the room, who have gone back to their separate conversations. Even Niki is off talking to some woman in sunglasses.

Tommy turns back to Quackity, taking in his rude question.

“Don’t know, bitch. What’s the deal with your face?”

Quackity looks shocked for a second, and that’s when Tommy notices the scar that runs through right eyebrow and down his cheek. 

Tommy really needs to watch what he says sometimes. Tubbo is always telling him that.

Tommy sinks into his chair, frightened he’s going to get clarted, but Quackity just starts to laugh.

“Some dude swung a pickaxe at me. It was super fucked up.” He laughs, “Anyway, your deal?”

“I deliver pizza.”

Quackity laughs again, “No, seriously.”

“Seriously.”

“Oh.”

The two look at eachother.

“You’re weird.” Tommy breaks the silence. 

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, Big Q but it’s true.”

“What the fuck, TommyInnit! Why would you say that to me? TommyInnit you have hurt my feelings, my heart is broken right now.”

Before Tommy can open his mouth again, Niki comes over.

“Are you two playing nicely?”

“Of course Miss Nihachu, always.” Quackity winks.

Niki just laughs and stands in front of her seat.

“Everyone! If we could take our seats now, dinner will be served.”

Everyone takes their respective seats, and as Niki takes her seat, Tommy leans in to whisper to her.

“Uh, Niki. Do I have to pay? Cause I can’t eat if I do.”

Niki giggles at him, “Of course you don’t have to, Tommy. It’s on us.”

“Thanks, Miss Nihachu.”

“Oh stop that.” She nudges him.

Men in black and white suits walk into the room carrying plates, which get placed in front of each of them.

Tommy is way out of his comfort zone here. This is no pizza. He doesn’t even know what type of meat is on his plate. Definitely not pepperoni. 

Niki stands up again and grabs her glass, clinking it to get everyone's attention.

“I would like to toast to a very successful month. Everyone has worked extremely hard and you have all made me very proud with what you’ve done. Thank you so much for the support, and remember to continue to support each other. This year is going to be our biggest yet, and we can’t lose anyone else.”

A tense silence fills the room, and Tommy looks confused at Niki.

“The loss of our beloved sister is still very fresh, but we have to power on. We will get through this together. We always will.”

Oh. That’s sad. That’s really sad.

“But now we’re here to celebrate the good. We’re here to eat and connect, as a family. I love you all deeply.”

There’s a cheer from around the table and Tommy can’t help but join in.

“Quackity, care to say a few words?”

Quackity joins Niki in standing and raises his glass.

“I won’t say much, but the coming together of our families has been absolutely phenomenal!”

There’s cheers from all around the table again.

“And to the newest member of our family, TommyInnit!” 

And an even bigger eruption of cheers.

Holy shit.

“Cheers!” Niki and Quackity chorus. 

Tommy looks around and smiles to himself.

—

Niki pulls up at the apartment block that the heroes live in.

“I would have dropped you to your house but you were asleep. I can get directions from a sleeping person.” Niki explains, pulling him into a hug.

“That’s okay, Niki.” 

Tommy gets out of the car and walks to the door, looking back at Niki.

“I’ll see you soon, Tommy.” She says before driving off.

Tommy yawns and smiles at the door person before lazily walking through the lobby and into the elevator.

Level 24.

Tommy walks over the door that he delivered pizza to not that long ago and knocks on the door.

Thankfully, he isn’t greeted with a sword in the face, instead he’s swept off his feet into a hug.

“Tommy! I was worried sick about you, you damn gremlin child. Techno told me you wanted Niki’s number and then I couldn’t contact you!”

Fucking clingy bitch.

Tommy’s tired though, so he just hugs back.

“I need sleep, Wilby.” He mumbles.

“Did you just call me Wilby?”

“Shut up.”

“Okay, Toms. Let’s get you to bed.”

Wilbur carried Tommy through the house and into a bedroom.

“Where are Techno and Phil?” Tommy asks as Wilbur tucks him into bed.

“They’re on call right now.”

Tommy hums and snuggles into bed. It’s warm. This is nice. 

“Goodnight, Toms.”

“Night Night, Wil.”

Wilbur leaves the room and Tommy goes to fall asleep, but he remembers what got him started on his adventure today.

“I never got my fucking 10 grand.”

Tommy sleepily pulls out his phone and googles “Sapnap.”

The first result is some dumb news article, but the second result is an email.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

SUBJECT: MONEY!!!!

OI!!!!!!

you never gave me my money, dickhead.

paypal me please thanks thank you

my fuckinf uh paypal is attached send it to me thanks.

Kind Regards,

TommyInnit.

—-

You’ve received: $ 10,000 from Sapnap.

—-

As Tommy slowly falls asleep, he knows that today is still not the weirdest thing that’s ever happened while delivering pizza. Tommy doesn’t talk about the weirdest thing.

—-

TLDR; TommyInnit’s Guide on: How to Get Rich (and join the mafia in the process)

1. Go to work
2. Be hated
3. Meet famous pranksters and make content for them
4. Get “kidnapped” by the mafia (DO NOT ACTUALLY GET KIDNAPPED.)
5. Make a really good Godfather joke
6. Make friends with a ‘Quackity’
7. Demand your money
8. Profit. (Literally!!)

Chapter Text

Tommy snaps up from his sleep at the sound of someone in the room. 

It’s still dark in the room, though he can swear he must have slept through the night. 

Peering around he can see the gentle outline of someone standing next to his bed. 

Tubbo?

That doesn’t seem right. He’s pretty sure he didn’t end up at his house last night.

“Who’s there?” Tommy questions, still half asleep.

“Go back to sleep, mate. I’m just turning your phone off. Been buzzing all night.”

“Phil?”

Phil chuckles lightly, “It’s me. No worries.”

Tommy smiles to himself, what a good man. Philza is the only man ever. He is the number one hero for a reason. Fuckin’ awesome, man.

Phil pats Tommy on the head and leaves the room, gently shutting the door behind him.

Tommy hums and lays back down, what a nice man, turning his phone off because it was buzzing.

…

Oh fuck.

His phone was buzzing.

Tommy only has like 3 contacts in his phone. And the only person that actually calls him…

Tubbo.

Tommy jumps up and frantically turns his phone on. 

“Fucking hurry up and turn on, you bitch.” Tommy mumbles, exasperated.

Finally, the logo glows and Tommy punches in his password, “Password”.

Oh shit. Yeah.

He has 48 missed calls from Tubbo and 127 text messages.

And one from Ranboo. Dickhead.

Tommy scrambles to call Tubbo back, and doesn’t even bring his phone to his ear before Tubbo answers.

“Tommy fucking Innit, where in the flying fuck are you? You missed pizza night. I have been worried sick .”

“Big man…” Tommy croaks, his morning voice peaking through. If he tries to change the subject then maybe Tubbo will forget about him not coming home last night.

“Don’t ‘Big Man’ me, I am enraged! I- I’m raging. Get your ass home, right now.”

“Tubbo! My friend, please, I need my beauty rest.”

“I don’t give a shit. Home, now.” 

And then Tubbo hangs up. 

Aw fuck. Tommy needs to go. And soon. Last time Tommy didn’t come home after being told too, Tubbo moved the couch onto the stairwell and made him sleep out there. The landlord didn’t like that one.

Tommy gets out of bed and stretches before heading out into the living room, where Techno and Wilbur are sitting, watching some anime thing on the TV.

“This looks lame.” Tommy comments as he walks towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Techno asks without even looking at him. Jeez, that guy must have, like, superpowers or something. Ha.

“Out.” Tommy replies with his hand on the door handle. 

“ Turn around and come to the living room.” Wilbur says in his weird voice. He is such a strange man. He should get a hobby and a life.

“Why are you doing that stupid voice, you are a stupid man. Anyway, I must be off now.” 

Tommy doesn’t see it but Techno raises an eyebrow at Wilbur, and Wilbur hits him up the side of the head.

Suddenly, Tommy feels a hand on his wrist, stopping him from turning the handle. Tommy turns around… Philza?

“Philza, what the fuck? Unhand me. I thought you were better than this. I know my rights.”

“You’re not going anywhere, mate.”

“You get him, Phil!” Techno cheers from the living room. Prick. 

Phil drags Tommy into the living room (with much protest and profanity from the kid), and sits him on the lounge between Wilbur and Techno.

Tommy huffs. Tubbo is going to fucking clart him when he gets home.

“So, are you going to explain to us what happened last night?” Phil asks, standing in front of them with his arms crossed.

“No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’?” Wilbur asks.

“I mean no.”

“You gremlin child, tell us why Nihachu dropped you home.”

“You didn’t seem to have a problem when you carried me to bed last night.”

“We’re playing that game are we?” 

“Boys…” Phil warns.

“You called me Wilby last night!” Wilbur exclaims.

“No I didn’t, that doesn’t sound like me. I fucking hate you.”

“You loveeee me.” Wilbur teases.

“I hope you get hit by a car and then hit by another car.”

“Boys! That’s enough!” Phil sighs, rubbing his hand on his forehead.

If they had just let Tommy go this wouldn’t have been an issue, now would it?

A silence rings out in the room.

“Tommy, tell us what happened.” Phil says again.

“I got $10,000.”

Techno laughs beside him. Phil looks at him confused. Wilbur mumbles something under his breath that Tommy chooses to ignore.

“And Nihachu?” Phil asks after a moment.

“She was there.”

Phil raises an eyebrow at him.

“And we went to dinner. Is that so hard to believe?”

“Coming from you? Yes.” Wilbur chimes in.

“Wilbur. I did not ask for your unsolicited opinion on this matter. Please shut your mouth and promptly exit my life.” Tommy stands up, “Now if you will excuse me I best be going.”

“No way, kid.” Techno says, standing up to loom over Tommy.

Not that Tommy is scared. Or short. He’s Tommy ‘6’3 and super brave and cool’ Innit for fuck’s sake.

Tommy is good with thinking on his feet. He always has been. He’s not only the master of distraction but the master of acting, too. So it’s no surprise when he manages to come up with the best escape possible in this situation.

“Look over there!” Tommy points to the empty hallway.

They all turn.

Tommy promptly runs out the door.

---

Sapnap and George sit guilty on the lounge when Dream walks into the house.

Dream heads straight for the lounge room and sets the grocery bags down in front of them.

“Took you a full day to get groceries?” Sapnap mocks, shyly grinning at Dream.

The tall man in front of them is having none of it.

“Yes. It took me a full day to get groceries. Do you two idiots want to know why?”

George and Sapnap look at eachother and shrug.

“I’ll tell you why! Because when I went to pay for our food my card declined. And I thought to myself ‘ This never happens, maybe there’s been a mistake?’ So I had to leave the line and call the bank.”

George tenses, ready for Dream to yell at them at any moment.

“And the bank said that someone” He motions to the two sitting on the lounge, “Had withdrawn $10,000. And obviously, they marked that as suspicious, and I would too. They refused to let me open my bank account unless I came in person. So that was fucking awesome, wasn’t it?”

“So remind me why that meant you only just got done shopping?” Sapnap buts in. Dream and George both death glare him, knowing that you shouldn’t interrupt Dream’s monologuing. 

“So I obviously had my own suspicions as to who had withdrawn said money and because of that I wanted to make them fear the very ground they walked on. Needless to say, that’s why I didn’t just come home to get cash. I would have committed a murder.”

“You’re still not explaining shit.” Sapnap interrupts again. George slaps him on the arm.

“Fuck you. I’m going to tell you, I-I was literally in the middle of telling you.”

“Dream, just continue.” George huffs.

“Anyway. I had to go into the bank in person, but I was fucking pissed so I had to blow off some steam.”

George and Sapnap both whip out their phones, each googling something along the lines of ‘Bank robbery in my area.’

Sure enough, there were dozens of search results for a bank robbery that happened late yesterday afternoon. The top article reads:

------

DREAM STRIKES AGAIN.

[image of dream exiting the bank]

The masked villain known as his alias ‘Dream’ has once again reigned terror on the city, this time, targeting Nevadas Bank. The villain wasn’t seen entering the premises, with one witness claiming he, “Appeared out of no-where, like he teleported inside.” 

Is this a new power of Dream? This attack is leading some to believe this to be true. A new power could have disastrous consequences on our community.

A statement released told us that Dream stole $10,000, but left no trace of him being there, besides one second of footage on a CCTV camera when he was exiting the bank.

We reached out to the head of Nevadas Bank for comment, but didn’t receive anything.

------

“Shit dude. Apparently you got new powers” Sapnap laughs.

“No way! That’s insane Dream. You’re so cool, I can’t believe you learned how to teleport.” George giggles, looking up at Dream.

Dream smiles at them before shaking it off and evolving back into villain mode. 

“After that I had to go into hiding, and make sure the money was clean. I was able to go back to the grocery store this morning and get food for this house, because I’m the only one that supplies for this family.”

“Thanks daddy Dream.” Sapnap smirks.

“Shut up, idiot.” Dream laughs, “There’s one thing I couldn’t figure out. What did you spend the $10,000 on? I tried to trace it but it all just got transferred.”

Sapnap and George are silent for a moment. 

“Well it all started when we got Pizza-” Sapnap begins.

“Next thing you know, Sapnap was suggesting-”

“George just really wanted to-”

“So this kid turned up-”

“And the mafia!-”

“So he called Nihachu-”

“She was not happy to see us-”

“Sapnap transferred-”

“And George was totally in on it the whole time.”

They finish their overlapping stories in sync.

Dream stares blankly, and slightly confused at what just happened. Luckily, he’s lived with the two of them long enough to be able to decipher their stories. 

“Honestly, I’m not mad.” Dream admits. 

He’s more intrigued if anything.

“How did this kid manage to get the Nihachu in his back pocket?”

“No idea, Dream. It was cool though.” George says.

“What did you say his name was again?” Dream asks.

“It was uh- Tommy, right?” George turns to Sapnap.

“Yeah. Tommy Innit.”

---

Tommy swings open the door to his apartment.

“I’m back, bitch!” He exclaims, tripping through the door before running into the living room. He can hear the TV playing, so Tubbo must be in there. Probably watching something dumb, Tommy could go for watching something dumb right now.

He gets to the lounge room and feels an immediate sense of deja-vu. He has been here before, and he is not happy about it.

There sits Ranbitch. On his lounge. Next to his best friend.

Tommy walks in front of the two.

Aw fuck this. 

To make matters worse, Ranboobie has his cat.

“Unhand Henry and get out of my house.” Tommy demands, crossing his arms.

“You can’t make him do that.” Tubbo says back.

“This is my house, I can do whatever I want.”

“Feels like he’s here more often than you are.”

This is guilt-tripping. Tommy is so aware this is guilt-tripping. And it’s working.

“I’m sorry, Tubs. I really am, man. I swear I can explain-”

“I don’t need an explanation.” Tubbo sighs, his face going soft, “I was just worried.”

Tommy smiles at his best friend, and Ranboo holds out Henry.

Tommy grabs it immediately, “I’ve missed you, best friend. You would have been a hit last night.”

“I thought I was your best friend?” Tubbo laughs.

“If I have to share you with this tiktoker then you have to share me with Henry.”

“What’s tiktok?” Ranboo asks.

“You wouldn’t get it, Boob. Don’t quit your day job.”

“That literally doesn’t make sense.” Ranboo replies.

“You are asking for it, I swear.” Tommy mumbles, sitting down next to Tubbo, and placing Henry on his shoulder.

“Put that cat on the other side.” Tubbo mumbles.

What is Tubbo’s problem? Tommy complies, but not happily. 

“Henry, was this scary man being mean to you?”

“Don’t get him started..” Ranboo mumbles.

“I am not the bad guy here. That cat has ruined me. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat without it being there. I am emotionally unstable. It is not innocent. I am tempted to take my anger out on that non innocent creature.”

“Tubbo! You can’t hurt Henry, they’re a minor.”

“That’s the problem you have with that?” Ranboo asks.

“Yes.” 

Ranboo sighs. Dickhead. 

The three of them turn back to the TV where they’re watching some animated show. Looks like what Wilbur and Techno were watching. Weird.

They watch in silence for a moment, but when a character on screen mentions money, Tommy remembers what got him in trouble in the first place.

“I have $10,000 and I need to get my car!” Tommy blurts out.

“Oh gosh.” Ranboo sighs.

“Does this mean you can pay the rent?” Tubbo asks.

“We pay rent?” Tommy replies.

Tubbo sighs and rubs his forehead. The kid is always stressed, Tommy should be the mature adult here and buy him some self help books. That would be a good idea.

“How did you get the money, Tommy?” Tubbos asks.

“Well..” Tommy laughs. He can’t tell the whole truth, “It was something like a tip.”

“You must be really good at your job.” Ranboo comments.

“I am.”

“So.. Rent money?” Tubbo asked again.

Well.. Tommy did miss pizza night, and technically he should contribute to this household as it’s not something he has been great at doing…

Henry meows. 

“You raise a good point, Henry.” He turns back to Tubbo, “I will contribute to the rent.”

Henry meows again.

“But we still need to get my car.”

Tubbo and Ranboo agree to help him get his car back. Admittedly, it’s more like Tubbo agreeing and Ranboo getting forced into coming, but nevertheless.

If friendship doesn’t prevail, peer pressure is a great second option.

Tommy throws his hoodie and places Henry in the hood.

He then throws the door open, and begins to run down the stairs.

Tubbo and Ranboo follow at a less frightening pace behind him.

“I feel like we’re going to end up in jail.” Ranboo comments.

“Welp, wouldn’t be the first time.” Tubbo responds.

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

“I swear you said it wouldn’t be the first time.”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“I-I’m so confused.”

Tubbo grins at his friend, “It was great gaslighting you. Bye!” 

Tubbo then runs after Tommy.

“What is happening?” 

—

Tommy and Tubbo arrive at the bottom of the stairs and wait for Ranboo.

The tall dude finally arrives, still with a confused look on his face.

“Took you long enough, dickhead.” Tommy mumbles.

“Shut up, Tommy.” Tubbo snorts, kicking Tommy in the ankle.

“Twat.”

Tommy begins to limp away from them, but motions for the two to follow him.

“We need to catch the bus because the warehouse is far away and I now have an injury.”

“Do you have a metro card?” Tubbo asks him.

Does he have a metro card? Psh. Everyone has a metro card, what a stupid questi-

Oh.

Tommy doesn’t have a metro card.

He dropped it down the drain while trying to do a card trick like they do in ‘Now You See Me.’

“No.” Tommy sighs, “I am going to have to charm my way onto the bus.”

Tubbo and Ranboo share a look with each other. They need to stop doing that, Tommy cannot read minds.

“I have two spare cards.” Ranboo says, getting his wallet out to show them.

Tommy takes his wallet, and takes out the two metro cards, as well at $5. 

“Wha- Huh? Did you just, just rob me?” Ranboo asks as Tommy gives him his wallet back.

“No, of course not. How dare you accuse me of such an act, Ranboo? This is very distasteful.”

“Why do you do this to me.” Ranboo retorts weakly.

“Tubbo taught me the art of psychological warfare.”

“It’s true,” Tubbo pipes up, “I did.”

Ranboo just nods and continues walking towards the bus stop. Maybe Tommy should give them the self help books instead.

They arrive at the bus stop just in time.

The bus pulls up and the driver opens the door. The three of them get on board and tap on.

“Hello, king.” Tommy nods to the driver.

“Boss man.” Tubbo also nods.

“I’m sorry.” Ranboo mumbles behind them.

The three of them squish into a two person seat.

“This is okay!” Ranboo says, as the bus takes off.

“Maybe for you, you’re not the one fucking squashes between a window and Tubbo’s fat ass.”

“Please do not comment on my ass.”

“Sorry, king.”

The bus ride continues smoothly enough.

Tommy is even getting along with Ranboo. It’s probably because of Tommy’s unlimited charm. He still hates Ranboo.

Stupid best friend stealer.

But he is ok to talk to for short periods of time. 

Henry is having a good time too. They’ve fallen asleep. A good first bus ride.

So, yeah. Everything is going smoothly.

Until it’s not.

Three stops in, 4 people in balaclavas run onto the bus. Two of them throw the driver out of the seat, and one of them climbs into the driver's seat. One of them walks down the middle of the bus with a gun, screaming at people to shut up and stay put.

None of them even tap on.

Now, this situation isn’t ideal. The longer that they are on the bus, the more danger they are in.

Not in danger of the people with the guns, no, not at all. But they’re in danger of getting his car stolen, and that would be most unfortunate.

He would probably lose his job.

“These people aren’t very good drivers.” Tommy whispers to Tubbo as the bus swerves around another corner, almost running into a group of joggers on the street.

Frankly, that’s what they get for exercising.

“Shut the fuck up, kid.” A man yells at Tommy, swirling around to point the gun in his direction.

That is a full thug move. 

Tommy wants a gun.

Looking over at Ranboo, Tommy sees his grip is strong on the seat in front of him, with white knuckles.  

He looks like he is struggling. TommyInnit never struggles. 

Admittedly, as the bad people are screaming at people who are crying, Tommy understands the fear.

If you’re going to steal a bus there’s no need to be a dick about it. 

What feels like hours of reckless driving pass. Of all the times the city's heroes have randomly shown up in Tommy’s life over the last few days, this is the only time he really wants it to happen. 

In fact, Tommy is kinda desperate.

The driving has even woken Henry up. They are not having a good time.

‘Come on Phil… Techno… Even Wilbur.. Anytime now.’

The bus lurches to the side and Tommy leans to see where they’re headed.

Oh fucking shitballs. They’re headed straight for town hall. That’s not good. 

Tubbo grabs Tommy’s jacket and Ranboo’s arm, holding the three of them together. 

The three of them brace for impact. Tommy squeezes his eyes shut. 

…

But the impact doesn’t come. 

Instead, the bus comes to a quick halt.

No fucking way.

There’s a thud on the roof. Then footsteps.

Tommy opens his eyes and peers out the window again. The Blade. 

Fuck. Yes.

Tommy watches as the bus door opens, and Wilbur steps onto the bus. Should Tommy be calling him Siren when he’s in his stupid hero costume?

That means Philza is on the roof.

Fucking mad.

“Put the gun down.” Wilbur commands as Techno rushes onto the bus behind him.

The bad guy drops the gun. 

I guess his powers actually do work.

The hijackers are distracted with the heroes, and Tommy sees this as an opportunity.

“Come on!” Tommy murmurs to his friends, and motions to the top of the window, which is open and big enough for people to fit through. 

Whilst everyone is caught up in the commotion, Tommy pushes himself up and through the window and lands non-gracefully on the ground. Tubbo and Ranboo follow suite.

Ranboo, that lanky bastard has a little more trouble. All arms and legs that one.

The three of them take off to get away from the situation as soon as possible.

---

“Yo, Siren.” Techno says as he throws the man who was driving the bus out of the seat and against the wall.

“Yes, Mister Blade?” Wilbur whines as he ducks out of a punch someone tries to throw at him.

“I just saw- uh. Innit dive out the window.”

“No fucking way! He dived out the window?”

Techno laughs as he knocks out the dude he was fighting.

“It was more like a stumble. The man saw the opportunity and he took it.”

“Knock yourself out.” Wilbur commands, before turning back to Techno, “Surely he can take care of himself until we’re done.”

Techno nods. He watches as one of the hijackers tries to climb out the back window.

It’ll take a while for him to get out. He’s not nearly as agile as he thinks he is.

Techno whips out his phone and sends a text message.

He then races down the back to drag the man out of the window.

—-

From TechnoBlade: We’re coming for you next.

“Uhh, guys.” Tommy warns, as the three of them walk down the street.

“What’s up, boss man?” Tubbo asks.

“You’re going to have to trust me here. We need to get onto the rooftops.”

“Now why’s that?” Ranboo asks.

“Because I said so, Ranboo. Now follow me.” Tommy takes off down an alleyway.

Tubbo and Ranboo run after him.

“Did you get another threatening scam email?” Tubbo yells after him, “I told you, they’re not real!”

“Don’t be a dick, Tubs! Now’s not the time to discuss my emails.” Tommy yells back over his shoulder, as he reaches the fire escape.

The two others catch up to him and together they run up the stairs and onto the roof.

Tommy is on high alert as they reach the top. The three heroes could be anywhere. Luckily, Tommy has a head start.

He quickly scans the rooftops and figures out where in the city they are. It’s not terribly far from the warehouse. But still enough for a good workout. 

Luckily he wore his running shoes.

Tommy grabs Henry out of his hoodie and sets them on the ground next to him.

“You’re going to have to run with us, pal.” 

Henry meows. Good kitty.

“Alright, boys. Follow me.” Tommy begins to sprint over the connected rooftops, with Tubbo and Ranboo following close behind. 

They get to a gap between two roofs. Tommy jumps. 

He misses. 

Tommy lands on a window sill below the roof.

“What a god.” Ranboo laughs.

“Not poggers.” Tubbo agrees.

Tommy pulls himself up while his two friends easily make the jump.

Ranboo has extra length and Tubbo is just.. Tubbo. So they both have an advantage in the jump.

Henry makes it fine but it’s a cat. Also an advantage.

Frankly, it’s very unfair.

They continue to run, and their jumps manage to improve with time.

Tommy is quite the fit man, he has insanely high levels of endurance, and has run multiple times in his life. But fuck he’s out of breath.

The chase is quite fucking rough, innit?

Tommy wheezes as he jumps over another roof.

Maybe he should consider witness protection.

What even is witness protection?

—-

The three manage to get to the warehouse. 20 minutes straight of hardcore parkour takes it out of you, and Tommy has never felt better.

If by “better” you mean worse and laying on the ground close to vomiting up whatever food is in his stomach.

Turns out Tommy is actually very physically weak.

At least he’s in the same shape as Ranboo. But at least Ranboo is being quiet about it.

“I’m going to shit and piss and cum and cry.” Tommy complains.

“Please. Please shut up.” Tubbo replies, holding his head.

He thinks just because he’s not having a mild asthma attack that he can be all high and mighty.

Well, Tommy will show him.

Tommy goes to stand up. He falls right back down on his ass.

“Fucking hell.”

Henry meows.

Prick.

Tommy’s phone dings again.

From TechnoBlade: Where are you? 

“Aw, fuck me.” 

“No thank you.” Ranboo replies.

“I wasn’t talking to you Ranboob.”

“Yup, yup. Okay.”

“We-” Tommy wheezes, “We need to get the car and go.” 

Tommy actually stands up with the help of Tubbo this time, and Ranboo follows.

They get over to the car and Tommy pulls the car keys out of his pocket.

He holds the key out to Tubbo and places them in his hand.

“Boys, I need you to listen to me very carefully. I need you to take this car and I need you to drive it back to Pizza Hut. Tell the bald manager it is my car and tell him I can’t get in trouble for it. Also tell him he is bad and that I am going to make him fill out so much paperwork because I know my rights. Yes? Okay.”

Nods to both of them. 

“Good luck, men.”

Tommy scoops up Henry and sprints off.

He doesn’t even fall on his face.

---

Tubbo sits in the driver’s seat with Ranboo next to him.

“Can you drive?” Ranboo asks.

“No. Can you?” 

“No.”

“Oh my fucking god we’re going to die.”

---

Tommy keeps running.

He refuses to respond to Techno. Tommy’s pretty sure if you respond then they can track you or some shit.

He heads for the roof again. Hopefully by heading to the top he can get to Pizza Hut around the same time that Tubbo and Ranboo do.

His phone buzzes a third time.

From TechnoBlade: We’re on our way. Tell me where you are.

Fucking hell. Why is Techno threatening him?

For once, Tommy can honestly say he wasn’t involved in any of the illegal activity that happened today. He was just minding his own business!

This is all just a big misunderstanding, surely.

Doesn’t mean Tommy isn’t a tiny bit scared of the three most powerful people in the city hunting him down.

Tommy keeps running. 

He runs like his life depends on it. Because frankly, it does.

He’s on his action hero arc, how sick.

Still, doesn’t mean his legs don’t burn, doesn’t mean his breath feels short.

At least he hasn’t missed a jump again.

Falling off a roof doesn’t seem like a particularly pleasant experience.

…

Tommy ends up on the roof of the Pizza Hut.

He doesn’t know how.

There is a high chance he blacked out.

He should not be blacking out. Drunk people black out, and he is not drunk. He is a minor.

Tommy has done more running in the last 2 hours than he has his entire life. 

Is this what exercise feels like? Because it is a very inconvenient feeling.

Tommy climbs down the fire escape of the building. You’re only meant to exit via the fire escape, but he enters through it. 

He has a blatant disregard for the rules. They call him Tommy ‘badass and bad boy’ Innit for a reason.

He enters the shop and walks straight into the manager's office.

“Manifold! Jack! Jack Manifold, my man.” Tommy exclaims loudly.

“Don’t you even think about it, fella.”

“Fella? That is very British of you, Jack.”

Jack rubs his forehead and stands from behind his desk.

Is this meant to be intimidating?

“Tom. Get out of my store this fucking instant.”

“I think that’s a bit drastic, king. We can work this out.”

“You didn’t return your car, you didn’t clock off, you didn’t call,” Jack being to list thing off as he gets closer to Tommy, “You slack off, you’re an annoying shit, and you left us-“

Tommy runs out of the store.

He sprints for the street, and turns back to look at his (ex) place of work.

Well this is a bit shit.

Whilst he’s turned around, Tommy runs straight into someone’s chest.

“Sorry, mate. I-“ Tommy begins.

“Tommy?” A familiar voice asks.

Tommy looks up, “Big Q! What are you doing here?” 

“Just gotta do some business. You know. Why are you running?”

“My boss is going to kill me. I also think the heroes may actually kill me.”

“Why would the heroes be after you?” 

Tommy stands up and brushes himself off, “I swear I didn’t do anything this time. I’m innocent Big Q.”

Quackity laughs and begins walking, “Come on, I’ll give you a lift.”

Score.

He follows Quackity to a very expensive looking car.

This looks too expensive for him to touch.

“Uh- Are you sure it’s no hassle, mate? I can walk, it’s no trouble.”

“You’re family, Tommy. Hop in.” Quackity says sincerely, motioning for Tommy to get in the car.

Nawwww. 

They’re like an actual family. Maybe Quackity can be his new best friend. They can be BFF’s. Quackity can be his Ranboo.

“Thanks Big Q.” Tommy says jumping in the car.

Before he closes the door, Henry jumps in and onto his lap.

“Is that your cat?”

“It’s name is Henry.”

They look at eachother and nod. 

Quackity begins to drive off, luckily, he’s going in the direction of Tommy’s apartment.

Henry meows.

“Cool cat.”

“Thanks”

Tommy’s phone dings.

From TechnoBlade: You can’t hide forever, Tommy.

“Fucking hell, man!” Tommy whines.

“What’s up, Tommy?” Quackity asks.

“The Blade is threatening me again.”

“That’s terrible. That is literally, uh- fucking, cyber bullying.”

“I know. I hate old people.”

“He’s heading out. Philza too.”

Tommy hums in agreement. Old people.

Luckily he is still young and youthful. 

“What business are you on?” Tommy asks.

“My bank got robbed. Y’know, nothing important. Some villain playing sick and twisted games with my money.”

Tommy’s jaw drops. He owns a bank. That’s legendary. That is the most legendary thing he has ever heard. 

“No fucking way.”

“Yes fucking way!” Quackity laughs.

They pull up outside Nevadas Bank.

“I can’t go any further, am I alright to drop you off here?” Quackity asks.

“This is awesome. Thank you Big Q.”

“No problem, dude.”

Henry meows.

“Bye bye, Henry. You make me want to feel love again.” Quackity reaches over to pat Henry.

“That is so sad. Do you need therapy?”

Quackity gets out of the car.

Bloody hell.

Tommy gets out and places Henry in his hood. He waves to Quackity and begins to power walk to his apartment. It’s only a few blocks. He should be able to get there without getting absolutely clarted by the heroes. 

You know, for people whose job is to track people down, they’re not very good at it.

Tommy is getting tired. He’s been running around all day. It’s fucking exhausting.

He thinks back to what Jack was yelling at him. Though Tommy was slightly distracted with the reflection off of his bald head, he did manage to catch ‘didn't drop the car off.’ 

He must have beat Tubbo and Ranboo there.

—-

Tubbo skids the car into the parking lot behind Pizza Hut.

Ranboo is in the brace position in the passenger seat.

Tubbo pulls up the handbrake.

They silently agree to never mention this ‘car ride’ again.

—-

Tommy climbs the fire escape to his own apartment. 

Who knows what could be waiting for him in the stairwell.

Luckily, Tommy prides himself on prior planning and always leaves the window to their bedroom open in case of this exact scenario. 

Well, it was actually in case of a zombie apocalypse but the point still stands.

Henry jumps out of Tommy’s hood and walks inside.

Tommy smiles and wipes a tear from his eye.

They grow up so fast.

Tommy is just about to follow him, but a tug on his hoodie lifts him off of the ground. 

High off the ground. 

Tommy is so high right now.

Not in the drug way. Tommy doesn’t enforce drugs. They’re for wrongin’s.

There’s a loud flapping noise behind him.

Did he just get kidnapped by a giant bird? 

Tommy cranes his neck to see which type of bird has kidnapped him.

“Aw, fuck you, Philza.”

“Oi, watch your language, you gremlin.”

Phil lands on the roof, and places Tommy safely on the ground.

Standing there are Wilbur and Techno, both managing to be taller than him. 

They probably have shoes with platforms. No one is taller than TommInnit- and that’s science. 

Techno raises his hand-

“Please don’t kill me, Blade. I swear, no I promise, I didn’t do anything. Please, please, please, I will do anything. If you kill me I will be very sad and Henry will be sad and you don’t want-“

“Tommy, calm down. We’re not going to hurt you.” Phil says, placing a hand on Tommy’s shoulder.

“Stop farming ‘Aww’s’” Techno snorts, “Seriously though, we were worried. Don’t tell anyone but I was stressing outta my mind.”

“I wasn’t worried.” Wilbur grumbles. He then grabs Tommy and gives him a hug, “Just answer our texts next time, dickhead.”

“Wilbur, you are so fond of me. I am so endearing to you. This is wonderful.” Tommy laughs.

Tommy feels two other people join the hug.

This is awesome.

Tommy’s hug is interrupted by his racing mind replaying today’s events.

“Look, I hate to break up the bonding moment we are having right now, but I have a job I need to get back and a best friend to win over. So I am going to do that.”

The three exchange a look.

Can people please stop sharing looks Tommy isn’t involved in?

“You go make it up to your friend.” Phil smiles, “We’ll take care of your job.”

Tommy tilts his head, “How are you going to do that?”

“I’ll threaten to make him an orphan.” Techno replies without missing a beat. 

The three of them then take off, back in the direction of his place of work.

Tommy shakes off that interaction and climbs through his window. 

He has bigger problems to worry about. And they come in the form of his short best friend.

“Tubbo?” Tommy calls out.

“In here!” Tubbo calls back from the kitchen.

Tommy walks out and sees Tubbo laying face down on the kitchen table. Henry is perched on top of him, settling into sleep.

Ranboo is staring out their kitchen window.

Well, they look like they had a good time.

“I- uh. I want to apologise for uh. Look, I shouldn’t have ditched you last night and- I don’t know. I’m sorry, big man.” Tommy apologises to Tubbo, who hasn’t looked up from the table.

“Also I transferred you the $10,000.” 

That gets Tubbo’s attention. The boy looks up and checks his phone, seeing that he is indeed $10,000 richer. 

Tubbo grins at Tommy, “Thank you, boss man.”

“Anytime.” Tommy says sitting down at the table, “Ranboo. Reckon you could grab me a glass of water? I think I’ve been having an asthma attack for the last 3 hours.”

Ranboo looks at him startled and pours Tommy a glass of water.

Tommy takes it and sculls the whole thing.

Henry moves off Tubbo and curls itself up onto Tommy’s shoulder.

Life is good.

—-

TLDR; TommyInnit’s Guide on: How to Get Fit (and run from your problems in the process)

1. Get verbally abused by your best friend
2. Decide to catch the bus for the first time in forever
3. Tap on
4. Almost crash into multiple buildings due to a hijacking
5. Run from heroes (who may or may not be your friends)
6. Get fired
7. Have a small mafia family reunion 
8. Get found by heroes (mentioned above)
9. Give your best friend all of your money 
10. Profit.

Chapter Text

Tommy wakes up on the one bed in their apartment in between Tubbo and Ranboo. He guesses they’re all friends or whatever now. 

Ranboo did do him a solid by getting his car back, and by getting him a tap on card. So maybe he is okay.

For now.

Tommy reaches over the top of Tubbo to grab his phone. He is going to become a better man, he is going to check the news.

Or not. He has a text from Phil.

From Philza: Hey mate, your job is all good. That Jack dude wants you to take the day off though. Think he’s going to explode if you talk to him in the next 24 hours.

Fuck yes! Maybe there are perks to having superheroes be your best mates. It means he gets to stay employed after all. 

Unfortunately, now Tommy has gotten a taste of the grind, he doesn’t want the grind to ever stop, which means today he needs to complete a task he’s had in mind for the last few days.

That task is hanging out with his friends. 

He hasn’t been able to while he’s been caught up in all his shenanigans around the city.

He looks to Tubbo and then to Ranboo.

He has been neglecting them a bit. 

He checks his text from Phil again.

He kinda wants to see the heroes too.

Maybe he could try and bond his two families?

Okay, that is a good starting idea. He can do that.. But how?

He could get himself into trouble, like jump into a pit of piranhas and then text them all for help and when they all show up they bond over how much they love and care for him.

No, that’s dumb.

He could just calmly introduce them to each other and hope no one freaks out?

No. Also stupid.

Tommy gasps. 

That’s it!

A sleepover. 

What better way to get to know someone than to hear them snore?

That’s how Tommy and Tubbo first bonded, at a sleepover.

What could go wrong.

Tommy is determined to throw the best fukcing sleepover that any of them have ever had in their entire lives. There’s going to be pizza, and popcorn, and decorations, and cake, and they are going to cut the cake with one of Techno’s swords and it’s going to be fucking sick.

He just needs to get the money to do it. The money he doesn’t have because he gave it all to Tubbo. 

It’s fine. He can get money easily- just not through work.

Tommy climbs out of bed, careful not to wake his friends up. He grabs paper and a pen and begins brainstorming ways he could get money.

He could rob an old lady. Issue; that would get him arrested.

He could busk on the street. Issue; he needs a busking license and without one that would get him arrested.

He could pretend that he is a weak child with no money. Issue; he is not a weak child and also it will probably get him arrested.

Ugh. Brainstorming sucks.

Usually ideas just come to Tommy and he doesn’t really have to think this hard.

God, ambition is mean, he shouldn’t have to put up with this lack of brain movement.

Tommy shakes his head really fast in homes; it will speed up the thoughts in his brain. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work and that makes Tommy sad.

Tommy throws his head down on the table.

He is trying to be nice and kind and cool for the first time in his life and nothing is going his way. This isn’t how karma is meant to work.

Soon, Henry walks over to Tommy.

“Hello, bestie.” Tommy mumbles, reaching his hand up to run it through Henry’s fur, “You have any ideas?”

Henry nudges Tommy’s head. It then looks in the direction of the fridge.

“What’s that?” Tommy asks them, before standing up to read the card.

Holy shit. Henry is a genius.

It’s Quackitiy’s number.

How didn’t Tommy think of that before? The answer is so obvious.

Quackity said that Tommy is family, that if he ever needs anything then he can go to him. 

So Tommy now knows what he needs to ask.

He needs to ask Quackity for a loan.

—

Tommy is sure that getting a loan is easy enough. He’s seen the movies- you just go in there and ask. Then you get one. Simple!

And there’s stuff about a credit score too.. But Tommy has never made any outrageous purchases so it shouldn’t be an issue. 

Anything that’s outrageous he usually steals. So not a problem.

Tommy is confident as he wants through the doors of Nevadas bank. The place is huge, and obviously Quackity likes marble, because half the place looks like it’s made from it. 

They seem to be doing fine after the recent robbery, business is booming.

Tommy strides up to one of the bank tellers.

“I want to see Mr Quackity.” Tommy tells him.

The man looks Tommy up and down. 

Probably taking in his really cool outfit, and his really cool cat. 

Henry lets out a soft purr.

“Do you have an appointment?’ The man, whose name tag reads ‘James’, asks.

“No. Him and I are best friends. I would like to see him now.” Tommy replies, assertively.

The man- James- laughs in Tommy’s face.

What a dickhead.

“Sure, kid. Run along now.” James says, still laughing.

“You’re going to regret this, dickhead.” Tommy mumbles, turning away and walking to the side of the bank.

He pops himself down on one of the marble chairs. They are not practical or comfortable. 

Tommy then whips out his phone, and grabs the business card which Henry is holding in its teeth. 

Tommy dials the number and holds it up to his ear.

It rings once.

It rings twice.

It rings- “Hello, this is Alex Quackity.”

“Alex? That’s a stupid name. You know it’s stupid, right?”

Tommy hears a sigh down the other side of the line.

“Hello to you too, Tommy.”

“I need a favor.” Tommy says.

“And what would that be?”

“We need to have a meeting. I am in the lobby of your bank. Also I need you to fire James.”

There’s a pause.

“Those three things have no correlation.”

Quackity laughs, “Okay, Tommy. I’m coming out now. Wait there.”

Tommy hangs up the phone. He is living life.

Tubbo told him about something that is called a ‘nepotism baby’ and right now, Tommy feels like one.

More people should be children of nepotism. It means you get stuff for free.

Tommy scans the room for Quackity. After a few minutes he sees the mafia boss walk out of an elevator. The elevator is gold. 

Tommy thinks it is real gold. He is sure of it, actually. 

Quackity spots him immediately and makes his way over to him.

“Hey, Big Q!” Tommy greets.

“Hey, man.” Quackity replies, and motions for him to follow, “Nice cat.”

“Thanks.”

Quackity and Tommy walk back over to the elevator, but not before Quackity calls out.

“James!”

James looks up to see Quackity and Tommy standing there next to each other.

“You’re fired.”

The face James makes is stupid.

Deserved. That’s what he gets for messing with ‘big man TommyInnit: ruler of banks and money and financial stability.’

The two of them hop in the elevator and Quackity presses the top floor. Why do so many people have access to penthouses? Why does Tommy not have access to infinite penthouses? 

It is so offensive to him.

Tommy follows BIg Q as he exits the elevators and walks past a receptionist and into an office made entirely of glass.

“Do you not value privacy?” Tommy asks.

“I like it when people can see how powerful I am.”

“You are so smart.”

They enter the office and Quackity motions for Tommy to sit down.

He does so. Tommy needs to be professional.

He even put a bow tie on Henry so they can look formal too.

Only formal people get loans.

“So what do you need, Tommy?”

Tommy takes a deep breath and looks Quackity dead in the eyes.

“I need a loan.”

Pause.

Quackity starts laughing.

“Tommy! I thought it was something serious, you scared me for a second there, man. What do you need a loan for?”

“It is serious! It is!” Tommy whines, “I need a loan because I need to untie my families together and therefore I need a lot of money to throw a really cool sleepover.”

“That’s the most stupid reaosn I have ever heard.”

“What the fuck.”

“Can I just write you a check? I am not putting you in debt for something like this.”

Tommy stands up and throws his hands in the air, exasperated.

“I am not letting you give me the money for this because I am on the grind. I am grinding. NOt literally. I just need you to give me a loan and I will be on my way.”

Quackity laughs, “Tommy, no! Just buy whatever you want, I’ll pay for it. In case you haven’t noticed I’m filthy stinking rich.”

“You are so egotistical.” Tommy mumbles, sitting back down in the chair, “Also you are ruining my life and I hate you.”

Quackity sighs, “Fine! Fine. I’m not giving you a loan but since you’re ‘on the grind’ I have a job you can do.”

Tommy lifts his head. Henry meows excitedly.

“What type of job?” Tommy asks. 

“One of my top stockbrokers called in sick today. I need someone to do his job. If you do this for me for the next few hours, then you’ll earn enough to make the best sleepover ever.”

“Big Q, I could just kiss you right now.”

“Uh-”

“But I won’t because I am a minor and that is weird.”

“Thanks, man.”

Tommy grabs Henry from his hood and holds them in front of his face, “You hear that? We are going to be rich, buddy. Rich.”

Henry meows. Tommy adjusts Henry’s bowtie.

Quackity stands up and motions for Tommy to follow him.

He has been doing a lot of following today.

He is a sheep.

“If you’re going to do this job, you’re going to need to change your clothes. I keep a very professional image here, and you have to uphold it.”

“You got it king, but I cannot afford new clothes.”

Quacity chuckles, “Don’t worry, we have a line of Nevada's suits in here.”

“YOu have your own suit line?” Tommy questions.

Quackity looks at him deadpanned, “Obviously.”

Why are all of his friends rich and why is he not.

Life is so hard for TommyInnit.

But soon he is going to be rich and a banker. 

Fucking pog.

Quackity pushes open a door and they enter. There are racks on racks of fresh and high quality, ethically made suits. 

“I think I just died and went to godfather heaven.”

“It’s neat, isn’t it?” 

“So sick.”

Quackity takes Tommy through each of the racks until they find one that Tommy likes.

It’s a simple black suit, but the tie is the same color as his hoodie.

Quackity says he can keep the suit after too, so he may as well keep with the style of his wardrobe.

TommyInnit, a fashion icon.

It is really a great day for the TommInnit community.

He is thriving.

Tommy walks into the changing room and gets changed into the suit.

He also gives Hrny a matching red tie before placing them in his suit pocket.

Don’t they just look dashing.

Tommy feels very suave as he exits the changing room, and feels even better when Quakcity applauds.

“I feel like James Bond,” Tommy says, posing like he has a gun, “The names Innit, Tommy Inni- Nope. Doesn't have the same ring to it. I’m just embarrassed now.”

Quackity rolls his eyes, “You look like a top employee. Now come on, we have work to do.”

“On it boss.” 

—

Quackity takes Tommy down a level, where many of his top stock brokers are situated. He then takes him to an empty table and computer.

“It’s not that simple, I won’t lie.” Quackity muses, looking over Tommy's shoulder at the  computer in front of him. There’s hundreds of options and lines, red and green indicators, and percentages of likelihood and decreases and more and more and more.

Tommy is confused. 

“I don’t think I’m right for this job, Big Q.”

“You’re totally right for this job.” Quackity pats Tommy on the shoulder, “Think of stocks as a game of chance. There’s high risk for high reward. You wanna grab them while they’re down so that when they rise you get more. And most importantly, you have to remember that they’re influenced by the real world, you have to know what's happening to see how it’s going to affect the company you’re investing in.”

“Right. Reading and guessing. My two biggest strengths.” Tommy sarcastically replies.

“You’ll be fine, Tommy. I do have to go through. I moved a meeting for you and I’m still late to it.”

Quackity then waves and walks off.

What the fucking shit balls.

This is bollocks. 

Tommy looks at the screen and clicks randomly on one of the stocks.

Dominos.

“Is this a conflict of interest?” Tommy mumbles to Henry, “Because I know Pizza Hut is about to steal their latest deals which means less people will shop with them.”

Henry meows.

“You’re so right.” Tommy laughs, as he sells all of the stock this guy has invested in Dominos. 

They get sold almost instantly and Tommy fistbumps himself.

He is so good at this game.

Tommy then purchases the same amount of stocks in Pizza Hut.

Jack should be proud of him. This gets him more money, right?

Tommy doesn’t know the real world application of stocks.

They are just numbers on a screen to him, and he is okay with that.

Tommy then scrolls down to Nintendo. He likes Nintendo. They are releasing a new game soon, he keeps hearing Tubbo talk about it.

If Tubbo likes something it must be good.

He invests $10,000 in Nintendo. 

Why is there not a leaderboard or something? Tommy wants to see how good he’s going.

Probably better than everyone else here.

They are all old and probably are going to die soon.

They are probably all named James.

Tommy invests in a few more things; Target, some random book shop, Twitch, Bitcoin (because Tubbo likes bitcoin), and a flower shop that’s growing around the kingdom.

Tommy stretches his arms before wheeling back in his chair.

He is such a good and hard worker.

The man next to Tommy looks at him, looks back at his computer then looks at Tommy again.

“Aren’t you a bit young to be doing this, kid?”

Tommy meets eyes with the man.

“You’re fired.”

“What?”

Tommy scoffs. Does this man not know who he is? 

“You’ll see.” Tommy rolls his eyes as he whips out his phone to text Quackity, never breaking eye contact with the man.

To BIG Q!!: fire the person on my left i think he is workplace harassing me

Tommy turns back to his laptop, ignoring the questioning looks from his coworker. He is going to get fired and Tommy is going to be the reason, he loves his life, everything is good and nothing is bad.

Tommy scrolls through the page in front of him when someone taps him on the shoulder.

“I thought I told you that you’re fired.” Tommy gumbles, turning around to meet the person.

Oh. 

Different person, this is awkward. 

This person is tall (definitely not taller than Tommy though, no one is), and he seems to be blonde. He is wearing a suit (not as cool as Tommy’s suit) and is wearing cool sunglasses and a mask.

Is the dude a spy?

Holy shit, this is like Men In Black starring Will Smith.

Is he going to become a spy? Henry could wear those cool sunglasses and he could get lots of women.

Maybe he will have one of those cool number names.

Tommy007Innit: Lover of women, destroyer of worlds.

It is going to be poggers.

The man pulls his glasses down a little to scan Tommy’s face.

“I need you to do a job for me.” The man says, “I need you to sell some personal stocks.”

Tommy perks up, it’s not spy business, but it’s normal business. This job is poggers.

“On it king, I’m actually the best stock person around.” Tommy replies.

“So I’ve heard.” The man pulls out a bag with powder in it and hands it to Tommy, “You need to go down the alley on 64th street and sell these to anyone who wants them, these stocks are worth a lot of okay, okay? So don’t sell them cheap.”

Tommy looks at the bag. Big Q never told him that stocks can be physical too, so much for a good training session. 

Oh well. Tommy wants to do a good job.

Maybe if he succeeds here then he won't have to go back to fuckin’ Pizza Hut or see Jack Manifolds bald head ever again. He could probably buy Pizza Hut with the money he is going to earn today.

Tommy takes the bag and places it in his suit pocket, but not the one Henry is in, he doesn’t want it getting damaged. He takes pride in his work afterall. 

“Thanks, man. I'll get right on it. Do you need me to like, tell you when they’re sold or..?”

The man shakes his head, “No, just get it done fast.”

Tommy nods and scrambles over to the elevator.

The man watches as Tommy walks away and waves back to him. 

If anyone got asked about this interaction later, they wouldn’t remember it, Dream always makes sure to cover his tracks.

Now for step two.

—

Tommy skips down to 64th street. This is a perfectly normal and nice day.

He can’t say that it’s the nicest place in the world. 64th street is notorious for having many illegal activities take place, but that’s just the life of a stockbroker. 

Plus, it’s nicer than where Tommy lives.

Tommy heads down the alley and waits next to a garbage bin.

He can’t sell the stocks for a cheap price, so he doesn’t want to just offer them to anyone, people might not be able to afford them, then it’s just awkward and embarrassing.

He would put up a sign advertising the stocks, but he doesn’t have a pen and paper so that a dud.

He figures that he’ll wait for someone to approach him instead. These stocks must be worth something, so surely someone will want them.

And if not Tommy can just keep them, or give them to Quackity to sell.

God, he is such a good employee. 

Much better than that James guy.

Tommy slumps down on a milk crate and takes Henry out of his pocket.

“You alright, pal? We’re going to be here a while.”

Henry purrs.

“You are so fuckin’ cute.”

Henry says nothing.

“Or any other adjective. If you are uncomfortable with cute I will not call you that because I want you to be comfortable. Boundaries are important, king.”

Henry meows. 

It always knows just what to say.

Time goes by and Tommy is getting bored. At this rate it’s going to be dark before he is able to sell these things.

Poor, sad and lonely TommyInnit. He is too good for this world. Selling stocks and fighting crime.

Minus the fighting crime part. Wil, Techno and Phil can do that part.

Time keeps passing.

Oh come on, these are surely good stocks. Why would no-one buy them? Tommy goes into alleys all the time.

Before Tommy throws more of a tantrum, he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Get up.” A deep voice says from behind him.

The voice sounds like some 12 year old got access to a voice changer, in fact, Tommy’s pretty sure it’s the voice he used when he and Tubbo would make prank calls.

Regardless, Tommy stands up and turns around to face a man whose face is hidden by a mask and the shadow of his hoodie.

Tommy adjusts his tie and sticks out his hand.

“Hello sir! Can I interest you in purchasing some stocks today? I can give you a whole bag of stocks for a very good price if you buy with me, yes yes!”

The metallic voice laughs at him. Dick.

“I’m not going to pay. Give them to me, or I’ll slit your fucking throat.”

Tommy scoffs, “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal sir. If you want the stocks you have to pay for them, that is literally the law.”

The man shakes his head, “I don’t think you understand. I’m telling you. If you don’t give me the bag, I’m going to kill you.”

“No you are not, that is illegal.”

“I don’t give a fuck about the law!” the man yells, “I only care about this fucking bag!”

“That is a sad way to live.”

“Why aren’t you scared?”

Tommy holds up is finger, “Wel-”

“Yes, 911? Police, thank you. I’d like to report a drug deal-”

Tommy and the man both snap their heads to the opening of the alleyway where someone is standing there looking at them with a phone to their ear. 

“What the fuck?” Tommy exclaims, “They aren’t drugs!”

The person runs away.

Tommy and the man look back at each other.

“Give me the fucking bag.”

“No, pay me.”

The man holds up a knife, “What about now?”

“Do it, bitch.”

“You don’t want me to.”

“What are you? A pussy? Not that there’s anything wrong about it, the pussy, that is.”

“What the f-”

A heavy thump lands behind them.

“What do you think you’re doing, mate?”

Phil. Fuck.

Tommy turns around to see Phil, Wilbur and Techno standing there.

“Slow night, men? All of you turned up for one little call?”

“When they described a blonde child matching your description, dealing drugs, we were a little interested.” Wilbur replies.

Tommy groans, “Well it’s not my fault, arrest this dickhead!” He points behind him to where the man was standing.

“Huh?” Techno asks.

Tommy turns around. 

The man is gone.

So are the stocks.

Fuck.

“Look, I swear I was just trying to sell stocks to this guy, and he was here I’m sure of it.”

“He was definitely here, the person who made the call said there were two people, we just don’t know who ‘he’ is.” Phil tells Tommy, “And we’re very disappointed that you were involved. We expected better.”

That makes Tommy feel not great. 

“Look, let me explain okay?” Tommy looks down at himself, “If you’d walk me back to Nevadas Bank, I can explain.”

The three of them look at eachother.

“Come on, child.” Wilbur grumbles and heads down the street.

—

“And that’s when these three showed up. And the man was gone.” Tommy finishes explaining as he sits in Quackity’s office, Phil, Techno, and Wilbur standing behind Quackity.

“Jesus Christ.” Quackity mumbles, with his head in his hands. 

The heroes weren’t particularly pleased to know he’d been working with Quackity, and Quackity wasn’t particularly pleased to see the heroes.

But they sucked it up.

“Did you see this guy’s face at all?” Phil asks.

“No, it was either covered by a mask or a shadow or something.” Tommy tells them.

“It sounds like-” Techno begins.

“Yup.” Wilbur finishes his sentence.

“Shit, man. I’ve upgraded my security a thousand times. I’ll look at the CCTV again, but I have no idea how this happened.” Quackity groans.

The five of them sit in silence for a moment.

“So,” Tommy begins, “Did I actually sell drugs?” 

“Probably.” Phil admits, “Don’t worry though, you didn’t know, it was likely a set up.” 

Weird. Why would someone target him?

Probably because he’s awesome.

It’s a blessing and a curse.

Quackity looks up at Tommy, “Sorry about your work experience, man.”

Tommy shrugs.

“And sorry for Henry’s work experience too.” Quackity then adds, laughing.

Henry purrs.

Everyone lets out an audible ‘aw’ at them.

“It’s no problem, Big Q. I think I got you lots of money in stocks today. Give it a week and then you can tell me how awesome I am at the stock market video game.”

Because it’s true, he is the fucking best at it. He will be number one on the leaderboard for sure. 

Quackity then pulls open a drawer and pulls out a bundle of cash. He throws it at Tommy.

“Should be enough. Have fun.”

“Thank you so much, Big Q.” Tommy smiles, standing up from his seat and heading to the door.

The heroes and Quackity mutter awkward goodbyes and the heroes follow Tommy out the door.

—

Dream yells out as soon as he arrives in his living room.

“Forgot you can teleport.” Sapnap giggles as Dream appears.

“Yeah, I totally forgot too. Those are your powers you’re using. Completely yours.” Karl laughs from beside Sapnap. 

“Why are you even here?” Dream asks Karl and he sits on the lounge.

“We invited him over. You were gone, being evil or something.” George pipes up.

“And it looks like the whole evil thing didn’t even work.” Sapnap comments.

“That Tommy kid, I tried to scare him. I just wanted to see, because you guys couldn’t, and he wasn’t even phased.” Dream says, “I didn’t even feel a single bit of fear.”

“Luckily, one of the perks of gaining power from fear, is that there is plenty of fear to go around.” Karl notes.

“And you don’t need to rely on one kid.” Sapnap adds.

“It’s just frustrating.”

“We know, Dream. Now come on, you’re making dinner.” George smiles at him.

Dream rolls his eyes.

Why wasn’t this kid scared?

—

Once on the street, Tommy turns to them.

“I am coming to your house later. I need to pick up some stuff first. Don’t be prepared.” Tommy then turns away, and begins down the street.

“Be safe?” Phil calls after Tommy as he walks away.

“Phil, I’m fuckin, worried, man.” Wilbur admits when Tommy is out of earshot, “I get why Dream would target the bank, but not why he’d target Tommy.”

“He was probably just an easy mark, kids get scared easily.” Techno suggests.

“Probably.” Phil agrees, “But let me ask around, I’ll see.”

—

Tommy walks into ‘Party Central’ which is the party shop that he recently got unbanned from. 

Tommy can’t believe they banned him for 5 years just for setting off a firework in their store.

If they didn’t want that to happen they shouldn’t sell fireworks.