Work Text:
The flashes of dozens of cameras blinded JJ as she crossed the stage to the podium. Questions were already being hurled at her, overlapping snippets creating an incomprehensible and overwhelming storm of noise. It had been awhile since the last time she had given a press conference– now that she was a full-blown profiler, the team generally kept her away from her old media duties– but for this case, well, it just made sense. A deep breath. Shoulders back, stand up straight. Start speaking, they’ll shut up when you do. Pretend like you never left.
Pretend like you never left. Go home at the end of the day. Cook dinner for your family, give your son a bath, sing him lullabies and tuck him in. Have wine with your husband, listen to him talk about his day while deciding what details of your day are safe to share. Kiss him goodnight, feel him fall asleep next to you while your mind spins and spins, eventually spinning you into nightmares. Wake up the next morning, under rested and more irritable and do it all again. Pretend like you never left, that you are the same woman they all said goodbye to before…
Before you were shipped to a war zone. Before you had to interrogate, torture, get people killed. Before you lost everything, and before you had to rush back stateside to rescue and then bury your best friend. Before you had to hold it together for everyone else because you had no right to feel as lost as you did. Before all the secrets, and lies, and “that’s classified”s.
“Fake it ‘til you make it,” had been the advice she received when she was finally returned to her life. But fake what? Fake herself? JJ felt more herself than ever. She was strong, tough, smart, effective, and incredibly angry. She had always been those things, but now she had proved it to herself. No one else saw it though, at least not completely. They still saw the same old JJ, nice, reserved, and loving. Sometimes, “you’ve changed,” was tossed her way. JJ hated that. She hadn’t changed, she had just stopped hiding. At least, she was trying to not hide any more. Some things hadn’t come out yet, and probably never would.
It didn’t matter. Emily was still as good as dead, and it wasn’t worth swinging a wrecking ball into her life if Emily wouldn’t be there to see it. Why ruin a perfectly fine thing if she couldn’t get a chance at what she knew would be better? It sat like a stone in her stomach, that furious ball of dissatisfaction and want, boiling her insides and making her think she should just do it anyway.
The press conference wrapped up quickly, as painless and painful as they had always been. The reporters were ruthless in their questioning, as they had every right to be– this case was high profile and taking far too long. Once, Hotch had said sending her out there was like tossing her to the wolves, but JJ didn’t see it that way. It didn’t matter to her that reporters didn’t see her. How could they? It’s not like they knew her. No, the wolves were the people who saw her every day. Her friends, her family, who all had their own ideas of who JJ was. They tore her to pieces with their “JJ could you”s and “I need you to”s and “you’re always so nice”s. And not a single one of them knew what they were doing to her. JJ supposed that was the most hurtful thing of all.