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Bob lay awake in his bed, his mind swimming with thoughts of his mother and her recent decline of health and her insistence to continue to garden in spite of the doctor’s orders. Bob had peered in while Tia was resting or busy on an errand and noticed the dead and neglected leaves of plants she held so beloved.
Bob turned his body again in his sheets, to try and see if he could get some comfort to allow sleep to take him and saw the light in the greenhouse was still on. It was unlike his mother as of late as she usually did not stay out this late tending to her plants. Bob put on his slippers, grabbed a lamp and went outside, to try and get Tia back indoors and in bed so she could rest and keep her strength.
Bob made his way out to the greenhouse in the cool summer night and upon opening the door, was not his mother there, nor any plants, but was inside of Helmut, his now boyfriend’s, van. He looked down, saw himself in the same pajamas as before, slippers and everything.
“Bobby, come back to bed.” Helmut waved him over to the futon he had near the back.
He walked over, setting the lamp down on the floor of the van and watched as Helmut took off his shirt and Bob could feel his pants tighten. He licked his lips and reached out to touch Helmut’s bare chest, but the scenery changed again, he was back in the greenhouse, plants dead around him, and Bob stumbled back, collapsing over the corpse of Tia.
He could hear rustling in the now dead plants as it sounded as if there was someone else in there with him, but slowly but surely plant vines popped out, Bob could feel himself trembling, recalling the day a few years back that this happened. Wrapped up in the plants were bottles upon bottles of empty liquor from vodka to wine to brandy and whiskey.
Bob closed his eyes and got up to leave, pushing beyond the greenhouse door and was back in the fan, same position as he was before, about to touch Helmut’s chest, but the part of the body Bob made contact with was bone. He looked back up and saw a skeleton wearing Helmut’s signature hand knit Viking hat. Bob felt sick as he watched his boyfriend disintegrate into dust before his eyes.
He finally woke up in a cold sweat, stomach in knots and about to scream. Bob was back in his proper bed in his house at Green Needle Gulch. He started to touch the blankets, focus on the feeling and moved to his clothes, trying to ground himself to reality. Bob got out of bed and hastily put on a jacket and put on his bunny slippers and left his home, heart still racing from the dream he had.
The beach of the river was calm at night, the sky was still clear but the ground was still damp from rain earlier that night, as it was too early for dew to settle. Bob found a good stump and sat on it, knowing his bedroom nor the greenhouse he kept were good ways to get himself to calm down, and he wasn’t about to try and wake up anyone else to announce the stupid bad dream he had, after all he was an adult, damnit.
Bob took in a deep breath and looked at the waves of the river and how they lapped at the banks, slowly assuaging the nausea he had garnered from the nightmare induced panic attack. It wasn’t usual for him to have bad dreams like this as of late, between the check-ins with the rest of the residents and his chats and dates with Helmut, his brain was fairly clear most nights, dreams full of calm and comfort and care, not of...pain.
The stars shone brightly as the moon was but a sliver in the sky, but still lit up the water nonetheless. The grass behind Bob rustled and he glanced out the corner of his eye, who else but Lucy.
“What are you doing up so late?” Bob asked.
“I could ask you the same thing.” She replied, joining Bob on a nearby rock. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“Something like that,” Bob sighed, kicking at the riverfront sediment. “You?”
Lucy sighed, “it’s...stupid. I had a dream where I was back in Grulovia with my husband before he went off to war. It was a good memory, but still leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth.” She looked out at the water, still lost in thought. “You also have a fun dream?” She put a bit of acid on the word fun.
“You know how my mom died a bit before Ford found me, right? Well, I had a dream about her, but also about Helmut.” Bob grabbed the bark on the stump absent mindedly. “It’s just...I’m going to lose him some day. Not like how I lost my mom, but...still.”
“Yes, we are all going to lose each other, Bob, but that’s not today, it’s not tonight, and most important: it’s not right now.” Lucy responded, “but you will still be you.”
Bob looked over at Lucy, “you seem rather...confident for...well…”
“Someone who lost their husband? I know.” Lucy replied, making eye contact. “Grief is a harsh thing to deal with. The dance is ever changing, as is the music. Sometimes you step on toes, sometimes you fall over. The one thing you can never do is stop moving. Love is similar, Bob. Even after that person is gone, you have all this love to give them, but it has nowhere to go. What do you do?”
“I don’t know,” Bob responded, remembering the stacks of bottles his mother was found with in the greenhouse. He knew of one way, but he didn’t like that option very much. It destroyed her slowly from the inside out and Bob was scared of that happening, scared of becoming something that was not him but also was very much him at the same time.
“You give it away, Bob.” Lucy smiled, her eyes glimmering like the moon’s reflection dancing on the river. ”You find someone or some people you find are similar to that person. It can be something silly like their laugh, or their love of bacon or their love of the arts, or gentle dedication of plants or books or animals, or love of learning. Hell, it could even be yourself, if you feel that bold.”
Bob nodded. “That must take a lot of effort.”
“The hardest thing I’ve ever done, and you have to do it every day. Some days easier than others, but some not so much. Always remember to go easy on yourself, Bob.”
The two stopped talking as Lucy’s wisdom settled into Bob, which caused Bob’s eyes to water.
“Hey Lucy.”
“Yeah Bob?”
“I love you.”
Lucy stood up to walk over and gave Bob a very tight hug. “I love you, too, Bob.”
Bob hugged Lucy back and could feel that lump in his throat come back and he let himself cry into Lucy’s shoulder. He wasn’t sure how he was so blessed to have such good friends who cared about him this much. It was overwhelming at times that someone like Bob could be himself and be loved, it was relieving to say the least. With all this pain inside and this fear of rejection, there were still people who saw good in him.
Bob pulled away, realizing a glob of snot had gotten onto Lucy’s shirt and still was attached to his nose. He wiped it with his hand, which he proceeded to wipe on his pants.
“Gross,” she chuckled and hugged Bob again.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be, clothes wash. Besides, I’ve had this for years, it’s been through more than its fair share of the elements.”
Bob yawned, which caused Lucy to yawn shortly after, cutting the embrace short. “I think we should both go back to bed, it’s late.”
“Agreed, besides, we can do a check-in later, just in case there’s more cobweb, yes?”
He nodded and the two friends parted ways, and Bob could feel the warmth not coming just from the night time breeze, nor from the bedding as he tucked himself back in, but from his heart as well.