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A knock came on the spare room door. ‘Hello?’ Alex was already in bed. Helen didn’t usually join him in the nights. He found himself terrified that she might want to rekindle their sex life. He couldn’t go there again. She entered, small and pretty, a determined look on her face. ‘What is it?’
She sat on the end of his bed and looked at him. ‘Come on,’ she said. ‘We need to talk about what’s going on.’
‘…I thought we already did?’ Alex felt wretched. He didn’t want to make her carry the emotional weight of their disintegrating marriage on her own, but he wasn’t ready for this and he truly didn’t know what else there was to say. He didn’t want to have children with her, so there was no need to sleep together anymore. It was she who had said she’d rather stop altogether.
‘I mean we need to talk about the fact you’re seeing someone else.’ Alex stared at her, and felt for a second that his heart had just stopped beating. Shit. ‘Or you’ve at least met someone you want to see. You’re all…alive again. And it sure as hell isn’t anything to do with me. Not that I’d expect it to be. Plus you’re sneaking around, always on your phone, smiling and blushing at nothing…I’m not stupid. But I’m afraid you might be, if this is your best attempt to cover it up. We can discuss this, but you will not make me look like a fool.’
Alex felt wretched and terrified. God, was it that obvious? Who else might have noticed that he was mooning around like a teenager in love? ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said.
‘Don’t be sorry. Be smarter. Are you hearing me? I’m not upset, I’m concerned. I’m not here to protect my heart, I’m here to protect my reputation.’ Every word was a twist of the knife in Alex’s conscience. He’d contributed to this hardness Helen had built up. He’d made it necessary for her to protect herself like this.
‘He’s just…different,’ Alex said. He was disgusted with himself. That faint, vague praise was unfair to both Helen and Greg.
‘Who is?’
‘Greg.’
‘…What are we talking about Greg for? Don’t change the subject. This is serious.’
‘What?’ Alex was genuinely confused.
‘We’re meant to be talking about you having an affair. Or wanting to.’
‘Yes.’
‘So shut up about your friend! Wait. Was it him who put you up to it? I thought he sounded slimy on the phone. Ugh. Of all the times for you to finally succumb to peer pressure. What did he do? Introduce you to some pretty young thing who’s into powerful men? Some political groupie?’ Against every reasonable impulse in him, Alex found himself laughing. ‘Alex! What the fuck do you think this is?! In what universe do you think it’s OK to laugh right now?’
Alex snapped out of it. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean it. Nervous laughter. And…at the absurdity. Not that this isn’t serious.’
‘So are you just flirting? Are you having sex? Are you in love?’
‘Um. In order of asking…not just flirting. Not really having sex?’ He wasn’t sure whether one hand-job counted. ‘And…I really have no idea where my emotions are.’
Helen shook her head. ‘You fool, Alex. You’d risk throwing everything away for some little bit on the side.’
‘He’s not!’
Alex hadn’t meant to shout. Helen was looking at him like he was crazy. ‘Wait,’ she said. ‘He’s not.’ Alex took a deep breath and nodded. Helen looked bewildered. ‘You’re straight,’ she said, as though this was a documented fact that he’d somehow forgotten.
‘I…never said I was straight.’
‘But…you had sex with me. I always thought you enjoyed it.’ Helen’s voice was getting smaller. Alex found himself pitying her, which he hated, because he knew she was easily the stronger of the two of them.
‘I did! I was attracted to you. And I am attracted to Greg. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.’
‘…Oh.’
‘Yeah.’
Helen was silent for a while, then said, ‘…You’re having an affair with Greg?!’
‘Sort of. I’m not sure what it is. I’m not even sure how or when it tipped over from friendship into whatever it is. He’s not slimy, you know. He can be irresponsible, but he’s actually…very caring.’
‘So caring he’d let you risk your career and your marriage to sneak around with him,’ Helen scoffed.
‘He can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, Hel,’ Alex said gently. ‘And our marriage…’
‘I know. I know. I take it he knows, too.’
‘Yes. I told him a lot when we were just friends. And we’re still friends.’
Helen looked sad but fond. She put a hand on his arm. ‘You are, aren’t you?’ she said. ‘Proper friends. That’s nice. I should have known it was him. My head was just stuck in this idea I had of you, which…I don’t know. I guess I shouldn’t just assume someone is straight like that. Of course it’s Greg.’ She shook her head, smiling incongruously as Alex held back tears. ‘You know, I’ve never seen you as happy as you are when you talk about him.’
‘I’m so sorry, Hel.’
Helen sighed, resigned, not crying. ‘I know you are. What kind of a life is it where you have to be this sorry for finding someone you connect with?’ Alex broke down then, tears spilling over, chest aching as he sobbed. He hadn’t even realised how much effort holding it all in had been. ‘Alex,’ Helen said, taking him in her arms. ‘This isn’t working. It’s not worked for a long time. I’m not gonna cling onto it anymore. It’s not worth it, if this is what it’s doing to you. I think…I want a divorce.’
‘You’re so much better than me,’ said Alex, his voice broken with tears.
‘Yes, and that’s why I’ll find someone who’s handsome and ambitious and utterly devoted to me in no time.’
‘I don’t doubt it.’
‘And you…be careful. If it’s just fun, it’s not worth risking your reputation for. And if it’s more than fun, you could so easily get hurt. I get the impression it is more than fun.’
‘It is. I don’t know what it is, but it feels…big.’
‘Sounds dangerous.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.’
Alex wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. Sniffing, he said, ‘I don’t.’
* * * * *
The voice on the other end of the line was surprised and impressed. ‘Um, Greg, Alex Horne is here to see you. The politician.’
‘Oh!’ Greg wasn’t expecting Alex. His heart raced. And of course, his staff had no idea about his and Alex’s connection. As far as they were concerned, he was just being randomly visited by an MP. ‘Yes, we’re…we’re friends, actually. Send him up?’ Protesting too much? At least now they won’t be confused.
Greg didn’t know what to do. He was so used to having control over when, where and how he saw Alex that this scared him a bit. He stood up and tried to see his face in the window, suddenly irrationally suspicious that he might have food all round his mouth or an ink smudge on his nose. He didn’t. He heard Alex’s footfalls on the creaky old spiral staircase. Greg took a steadying breath and drew himself up to his full height. It wasn’t hard for him to look like he was in control.
Alex knocked on the door. For crying out loud. ‘Come in.’
Alex came in, and Greg looked at him questioningly. He didn’t look like anything terrible had happened, though he did look full of nervous energy. ‘Hi,’ he said.
‘Problem?’ If Alex was going to back out again or warn him of an imminent hail of journalists, he’d rather know straight away.
‘No, nothing’s wrong. But I do need to talk to you.’
Greg exhaled. ‘Come to the storeroom, then,’ he said. ‘More room, more private.’ He took Alex’s hand automatically and led him back to the treasure cave that was his storeroom. Greg’s apprehension had gone now. Nothing was wrong. If nothing was wrong and Alex was here, the way forward was obvious. Once the door was closed behind them he pulled the younger man in for a kiss, one hand on the small of his back while the other stroked his face. Alex just melted into his embrace for a while, but then broke off the kiss, doing his best to hold Greg back with both hands on his chest.
‘Wait…wait…I really do need to talk to you.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Greg smiled. ‘You did say that. Come on then.’ Greg walked over to where the two gaudy thrones stood, and sprawled in the larger one. Alex sat small and hesitant in the other throne. ‘Welcome home,’ Greg said. Alex seemed to like that. He smiled, showing the gap in his front teeth, and let himself stretch out a bit.
‘I think it’s over between me and Helen,’ he said. ‘Properly over.’
‘God, I’m sorry,’ Greg said. ‘Are you OK? Is she?’
‘I mean, it’s difficult, but it’s for the best. We should never have been together, really. She’s incredibly strong. And very savvy. More so than me. She’ll be OK. I haven’t really processed it yet. I think I’m relieved?’
Greg wanted to drag Alex into his arms and stake his claim right there and then. You’re mine now, bagsy times infinity, no returns. But he wasn’t a child and Alex wasn’t a toy. Instead, he forced himself to say something that stuck painfully in his throat. ‘Do you need a break from me? I understand if you do. You’ll need to get yourself together.’
Alex’s eyes opened wide for a moment as if what Greg said had scared him. He reached out and grasped Greg’s arm tightly. ‘I don’t want a break,’ he said. ‘I don’t even know what this is yet. I don’t want a break from it. I want to explore it. I want to play with it.’
Greg felt like he was being tested. Alex was so vulnerable at the moment. Which meant he should leave him alone and let him sort his head out. But Alex was so vulnerable at the moment. As much as it shamed him, Greg liked it. Vulnerability was hot. ‘I…really feel like I ought to insist on this,’ he said. ‘You should spend some time working through this without the distraction.’
‘Please,’ said Alex, his eyes bright and imploring, ‘I don’t want to work through it without the distraction.’
‘No, I...I’m gonna back down and give you some space.’
A pause. Alex looked like he was calculating something in his head. Then he looked at Greg and said, ‘…Red.’
It hit Greg like a slap in the face. For several seconds he couldn’t answer. Alex was still looking at him with wary resolve, as if not sure this was allowed but determined to try it. To be honest, Greg didn’t know if it was allowed either. It was a hell of a loophole. Trust Alex to have internalised the rules well enough to be able to pull something like this. Finally, he said, ‘OK. That’s not how I anticipated your first use of a safe word, but OK.’
Alex nodded, satisfied. ‘Good,’ he said. He sounded genuinely relieved. It worried Greg. Was Alex counting on this relationship for more than it could deliver?
‘I think we do need to get our heads around what’s going on between us, though,’ Greg said.’
‘OK.’
‘We’ve been treating the whole thing like some kind of drawn-out game, but…you know, it’s complicated now.’
‘It wasn’t complicated when we started?! I’ve been sneaking around behind the back of my wife and the whole bloody country.’
‘What I mean is…we’re properly friends now. I care about you. I…’
‘I care about you, too.’ Alex squeezed Greg’s arm.
‘No, I…Alex…I’m afraid I’m getting attached. In a way I didn’t intend to. In a way I can’t sustain because I’m not really down with domesticity. I feel like…this huge part of me just wants to be with you. Only you. But we can’t have that kind of normal relationship, and even if we could I’d end up kicking against it once it got too cosy. You know?’
Greg felt raw. He also felt like he was ruining things. He should never have opened his stupid mouth. He should’ve just held onto things as they were and not questioned them. But the fact was, he was attached to Alex. So he big fat stupid felt like he owed the man honesty. Ugh. Alex seemed to think about what Greg had said for a while. Then he said, ‘Well. Obviously I’m also attached.’
‘You are?’ Oh fuck off, Greg, you sound like a starry-eyed teenage girl.
‘Obviously,’ repeated Alex. ‘And I know you’re worried about hurting me. Which is lovely, but…I am going to get hurt. Whatever happens. I think it would hurt more to just give up the one thing that makes me feel like I can be myself. The one person I feel…well…weirdly, against all odds, I feel safe with you.’
‘Oh god, don’t say that. I can’t promise to make you feel safe.’
‘I don’t want you to try to make me feel safe! I want…I want you to mess with me. Push my buttons. The way you have been. If I feel safe with you, that’s my problem.’ Greg could see a flush rising high on Alex’s cheeks. ‘I want more,’ he said, finally, and then he was quiet.
‘So are we…what are we to each other?’
‘Do we have to decide that? Who are we going to talk to about it?’
‘Good point.’
‘But we are friends. I know that. You’re just…a friend who can make me do anything he wants.’ Alex grinned. It was the first time Greg had seen him look anything approaching deliberately cheeky. ‘A friend who makes me come in the window of my office just after reminding me that the dozens of people down in the street probably can’t see.’
Greg couldn’t help grinning too. ‘Like a friend with benefits. A friend with risks.’
‘Exactly that. And if one of the risks is that I get too close to you, well…in my opinion, it’s worth it.’
‘OK. Shut up then. Time to play.’