Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

                        It’s the last day of 11th grade, well, for some. June 12th. The minutes slowly tick by until…oh wait, this wasn’t timed correctly, the bell is ringing now. School’s over, kids are jumping up and running out of the door, eager to escape; the teacher hasn’t even dismissed them yet, and honestly doesn’t care. If anything, she understands all of them. All of them but one. “Ms. Paint, do you mind if I stay a little bit after school?” a clearly homosexual voices asks. Ms. Paint turns around, it’s one of her better students- and my best friend- John. She doesn’t understand, what teenager isn’t ready to be done with school and be out of here. “Oh no, John. Not at all! Stay as long as you’d like.” John smiles and takes out a journal.

                        Meanwhile, an impatient no-longer-student waits by the tree at the far end of the school’s parking lot. I check my watch, 2:56 pm. Where is he? Where are both of them? Oh, there’s one. You can pick him out in a crowd. A small, stocky, Filipino body filled with insurmountable rage. He approaches me then slumps against the tree, scowling as he does. “Hey, Karkat” I say to him. He grunts in response. “What happened this time?” It’s always a teacher or, as his gravelly voice states very bluntly, “Kanaya.” Wait, that’s new. Kanaya is like a mother to him. “Oh?”

“Yeah. She doesn’t understand that I’m not ready!” For what?

“For what?”

“Doesn’t matter, let’s go”

                       “We have to wait for John.” Karkat give me a dark glare. “Then tell that egotistical boyfriend of yours to hurry up then.” He says as he un-slumps from the tree and readjusts his backpack. “He’s not my boyfriend.” Karkat shrugs. I hear a quick patter of feet and a voice. “Sorry guys, I just- hold on,” John stops halfway over and puts his hands on his knees, taking deep, heaving breaths. Then, he finishes the few-steps jog over. “Sorry guys, I just had to finish something for Kanaya.” Huh? Am I missing something here? “We’ve been waiting here for an hour!” Karkat says, with his voice turning into a yell at the end of his sentence. “I’ve been waiting an hour. You’ve been waiting 5 minutes.” I remark. Karkat snarls at me. I smirk, I get punched in the arm.

                       All three of us begin our walk as the hot, burning Texas sun beats down on us, but I’m still not taking off my jacket. Today is Karkat’s 17th birthday, little man getting big, I’m so proud. So, we’ve decided to go somewhere special, and I suggested, ironically of course, to go to the movies. None of us have any clue what we’re even going to see. Actually, John does, he bought the tickets. “Okay, so…” I begin, trailing off. John nods and Karkat looks up at me, confused. I stop walking and the other two stop and turn around to face me. “John, two things.” John nods again. “One- this is for both of you- one, what is up with Kanaya today, what did she do? Two- just John- two, what movie are we seeing? I’m tired of not knowing, the suspense is killing me.” John laughs and Karkat shrugs. “Okay, okay. We’ll tell you” John manages to get out after getting his breath back. Karkat turns to him, eyes wide, then he turns away and crosses his arms. “Nuh-uh. Not telling.” John sighs. “Okay, fine. I’ll tell you.” I nod.

                       “Kanaya,” John pauses. “As it turns out, loves to give advice. You know, she really just… Starts meddling with shit she should just stay out of!” He gets a little agitated, stomping his foot like a child throwing a tantrum. “Whoa, Egbert, gettin' personal, huh? Leave your baggage at the door, man.” Not my best response but it’ll do. This really sets him off, however. A little thing about John, whenever he gets angry- even if he’s silent about it- only the tips of his ears get red. A burning pink. Though out here, it’s hard to tell if he’s upset or just sunburnt, so let’s just go with what context clues give you. “We’re outside! We are nowhere near a door! What are you even talking about! I don’t understand what your problem is!” His voice wobbles as he tries not to yell. Egbert has never even raised his voice like this before, it’s scary to even think that someone as bubbly as him be this upset. I still don’t know why he’s got a problem with Kanaya. I thought she was pretty nice, but even then, we never talk. Karkat doesn’t know what’s going on either. He glances at me and I shrug. I guess it was too much confusion for his short little body to withstand, as he finally speaks up. “Maybe we should just keep walking, we’re going to be late and I don’t want another birthday spent in the shed- remember the bugs?” He shudders, “I don’t think I can handle that again.”

                       I think it’s best we don’t talk about last year. Just thinking about it is enough to make me physically recoil in disgust. I still remember the crunch sound it made. Oh god, what if we have to spend another birthday in the shed?

                       John takes a deep breath and agrees with him. I stay silent for the rest of the walk; I don’t need another outburst on my hands. What’s his deal, anyway?

                       Karkat keeps glancing over his shoulder to look at me. He never did explain what his side of Kanaya’s story was. What was he ‘not ready' for?

                       Damn, I should stop asking questions.

                       The rest of the walk is spent in silence, each of us too worried that our words may be the end of the Egbert family line. We arrive at the movie theatre, but it obviously hasn’t been updated since at least the 70s. It’s just a garish beige building, it’s little nooks and crannies filled with grime. It just looks like a stereotypical movie theatre built in like- the 60s or something. John turns in our tickets. Huh, even the way the do things is old-school. He still hasn’t told us what movie it is, but the surprise gets dumped on when were told where to go. Turns out it’s some cheesy romance movie, I expected no less of Karkat but Egbert? Must’ve chose it only for Karkat. Whatever, I’ll bare it if I have to. Only because I’m good friend.

                      That’s why. No other reason.

                       There’s nobody actually in here to see this movie. Makes sense, I wouldn’t willingly watch this movie even if it was the last movie left in the world. However, it does mean that we get to pick any seat we so choose. Of course, Karkat picks the back row.

                       John thought it’d be better if he had just gone and gotten all of the popcorn and snacks himself, “My treat," he had said, yeah okay. It’s been a treat until the previews are almost over and his perfectly shaped ass hasn’t come back yet. Ignore the adjective there. I’m over him, I promise. There’s a better ass sitting next to me anyways. Can’t I just think a dude’s ass is good without being in love with him? Mind your business. Oh, would you look at that, here comes Egbert anyway. John can't eat popcorn because of his braces, so he just got a big tub of the shit for me and Karkat to share. Always thinkin' about his bros. A couple drinks to drink halfway through the movie, then have to awkwardly shuffle out of the row and into the bathroom which leads to you missing the dramatic ending to the movie also comes clutched in Johnny-boy’s arms, along with a couple types of candies- some braces-friendly, some not. Regardless, I snag the Twizzlers before Karkat can get his grubby little hands on them first. God, I fucking love Twizzlers.

                       The lights go down and I’m being side-eyed by a jealous little dickbag. I hand him a singular Twizzler and he huffs, but pays attention to the starting movie. There’s a part of me that’s a little heartbroken I’m not his main focus anymore, but I don’t dwell on it.

                       About halfway through the movie and I'm on my wits end. If I have to sit through another minute of this, I'm going to rip my hair out at the scalp, Then I’m going to be all ugly and bald. I’m not even going to be able to get mad bitches anymore. Staying silent has never been a strong suit of mine, but I at least have a little bit of basic human decency. I’ve been challenging myself to not even sneeze during this movie, I should really get a medal for that, I’m saving everyone trying to peacefully watch a movie from my horrible dad-sneezes that sound like 50 banshees getting anally fisted. It’s charity work, really. But I can only hold my inane little words. Especially when they’re about hounding horrible movies. I lean in close to Karkat…

                       “Dude, if she really liked him, she woulda kissed him when he tried to kiss her, like- she only wants him now because he’s hot and she’s jealous. There’s no way she’s actually into him.”

                       He tosses a couple pieces of popcorn at me. “Where are your manners, didn’t your momma raise you right?” I whisper, only inches from his face and he scoffs. Unbelievable, I was only sharing my theories with him. John makes no effort to hide his annoyance. “Can you two please shut up!” He had whispered it but it was harsh enough to earn us a look from some kid I don’t know in the row in front of us. What do they know anyways? I sit back in my seat only to make some other snide remark about what’s happening on screen a solid ten minutes later. Unfortunately, Karkat still refuses to see how incredibly bad this movie is and throws- not popcorn -but rather various names and cuss words in my direction under his breath. Thank God I have good hearing, I guess. I metaphorically push back with my own shit that I definitely didn’t just pull out of thin air. I mean, that’s how the professionals do it, right? By professionals, I mean Karkat.

                       Karkat's not exactly a… gentle soul, to say the least. He’s harsh, and is never afraid to light some flames if you even happen to look in his direction the wrong way, of course, I have to have my fun with that. It’s fun and all, messing with him, but now might not be the best time. We’re kind of in a movie theatre but oh no, he’s standing up and his voice is doing it’s best to remain a whisper, even if not so successfully. John looks like he’s had enough and he stands up too. Since we’re in the back, it draws almost no attention. “If you guys aren’t going to be nice to each other just this one day, then I’m not going to hang around. It’s Karkat’s birthday for fuck’s sake!” Yeah, saw that coming. John pushes past us and leaves. He’ll be back. Whatever. We don’t need him to have fun today. Karkat glares at me and leaves without a word. Damn, okay. Guess I don’t need anyone to have fun. I’ll have fun by myself. And get your mind out of the gutter while you’re at it. I save that for when I’m in my room, not a movie theatre, you weird chucklefuck. 

Chapter Text

                       The least I can do is finish watching the movie, there’s what, a solid 20 minutes left anyway? I wasn’t the one who paid for the tickets but I’m not gonna waste ‘em.

                       Leaving, I check my phone. Damn, it’s almost 6’ now and the sun’s starting to set.

                       The cool thing about Houston is that there’s Houston, you know, the big modern city, then there’s houston- lowercase- it’s just- tall brick buildings, mostly apartments and parking garages and old office buildings. It could be cool if you’re into that kinda look, but it’s hot as hell during the summer, brick isn’t the desired building material to be surrounded by when you’re suffocating inside Satan’s small intestine. I gotta deal with it though, small price to pay for a roof over you’re head. Better than being left out on the cracked sidewalk, hot enough to cook a goddamn egg. Wait, no, that’s Arizona. Whatever, it’s still hot as balls out. Thank god the sun is going down.

                       The walk from here to home- though is it really a home if you don’t wanna go- is pretty far, I’d be questioned if I stalled and delayed my walk, it’s already pretty risky by just going to the movies. Better not push it, you never know with him, but there’s all these little stores right here, oh and they’re antique stores. These places are a goldmine of horrible, shitty little knick knacks you’d find at the back of your grandmother’s closet. I have to go in. Besides, it’s Karkat’s birthday so I’m obviously obliged to get him something, other than my unconditional love as his best bro, which is already priceless in and of itself. What can I say? I’m a generous person.

                        A little bell dings as I open the door, announcing my two steps into the store to the entire world, I’ve always hated those little bells.

                       I browse the shelves until I come across a cat, I can’t tell if its made from porcelain or wood, or both. The inside sounds hollow, with something rattling about in there. I swear, it sounds like the inside is made of wood, but the outside is all clackity like porcelain. Whatever, it’s cool. The outside is painted an ugly rosy-beige color and faded flowers covering all of its features. Not my type of thing but definitely reminds me of my beloved, Karkat Vantas. It’s obviously old and precious to someone, and knowing Karkat, that little fucker's aboutta become precious to someone new.

                       I hand it to some teen working the counter. I don’t recognize her at all so she must not be in any of my classes. Not that I pay attention to who’s in them anyways. She scans the cat and hands it back to me.

                       She’s pretty cheery and asks me about why someone who looks like me is buying something like that. She takes a wild guess and say it’s a late birthday present.

                       “Ding, ding, ding, fuckin' bingo. Should totally get a prize for that. I’m thinkin' 20 bucks, that’s the most I got.” I’ve been told my rambling is a bad habit and one more than one occasion I’ve been told to shut up if I know what’s good for me. Sure, it was mostly Karkat who told me that but there’s been a couple misophonic kids who hate it. So, I just end my stream of words there before I can fuck it up. She’s cute.

                       She giggles. “You know, you really remind me of one of my friends with the way you talk! It’s almost like you two are the same person!” Her voice is high-pitched and sweet. She could definitely be mean if she didn’t like you. Reminds me of Jade. Funny how we remind each other of another one of our friends.

                       Oh shit.

                       “Really? Damn, what’s his name? Probably know him.” I’m about to prove my point, watch. Her smile falters for a single second. “How did you know he was a he? I never said- unless I did? Hmm! Who knows! My memory is so bad, haha!” She keeps giggling throughout her sentences. She really has no idea. I’m trying to hint at it to her that maybe I’m that friend but she just doesn’t get it, oh well I tried. She’ll text me about it later and I can just tell her then. I agree with her and take the cat and leave.

                       Karkat usually leaves his window unlocked because of me. Doesn’t stop me from still surprising him when I pop the window open. Every time it gets him. “Chill, it’s just me, but y'know a lot of murders are committed by someone the victim knew, so… I could be a murderer; you don’t know my intent.” Karkat rolls his eyes and scoffs, “Can you at least get in here so you can close the window? You’re letting the bugs in and I just got rid of those fucking flies.” I follow his orders (kinky? I guess) and hand the bag to him. “Got you something.” He makes a noise akin to a mix between a moan with a sneer? But I can’t really tell. He looks in the bag and just pauses. For once, I have no clue what he’s thinking. “Well, take him out the bag. He’s gonna suffocate in there. Plastic is dangerous for babies, why else would they have the warning label on there?”

                       “For people like you.” He spits back. Love him.

                       “Keep treatin' me so harshly and I’m afraid I’m going to have to break up with you, Karkat.” He’s in the middle of situating the cat on the shelf above his bed when he turns around and stares at me. “One, I never said I want to date you, and aren’t you the one who always complains about being called gay? Pick your fucking battles, Strider. Make it make sense.” I shrug in response. There’s a moment of silence before he starts talking again. “Are you gay?” My heart sinks when he askes it, but I pretend that never happened. “Flattered you're interested, and I just know the public at large is dying to get in on this sweet new goss, but unfortunately, my sexuality’s nobody’s business. I’ll focus on that shit myself and you can figure it out in your free time, how ‘bout that?” He huffs and falls back on his bed and I realize I’m still just kind of- standing here. I’ve been in his room a ton of times, but there’s something about the way he’s acting that makes me nervous. He’s actually calm for once. Granted, most of what we do when I’m here is play whatever games he has on his switch, which usually results in him elbowing me in the face to make me come in 8th place so he can finally win rainbow road for once. Never works, but I give him the credit for trying. So, it’s hard to tell if this is just how he is when he’s comfortable or if somethings wrong. “What about you?” I figured I’d ask him if he got bold enough to ask me. There’s an ever so slight brush of pink as he thinks about his response. He’s thinking of someone in particular. No clue who it is but it probably has something to do with what Kanaya tried to have a say in earlier today. A quick nod and a quiet little “Yeah… yeah.” I shrug again, it’s my default response. “That’s chill, I can fuck with that, I don’t care.” I do. But not in the way that makes me uncomfortable sitting next to him for the rest of his life. Just to prove that, might as well sit down, my legs hurt like hell anyways. Karkat’s old, musty bed creaks like a cabin floor the second I lay a finger on it but sitting down now, there’s a part of me that wants to get closer to him.

                       But I don’t. I’m not gay. I don’t like him like that. Or any guy for that matter.  I don’t. I’m not- there’s no way. Men liking other men is fucked up and-

                       And…

Karkat’s just, looking at me. Really softly. There’s something about him that- he looks so kissable right now, holy fuck. No, I need to stop, that’s fucking weird. He sits up and he’s, wow, he’s right there. Okay. I need to stop thinking about him like this, he’s just my friend. Even though I want to taste him and feel him in my hands. His skin looks so soft. Karkat- he. I swallow hard. I can’t stop myself from moving closer. I can feel his shallow breath ghosting over my skin. I bring my hand up to rest on his cheek, drawing him even closer. I can’t stop thinking about how he never tries to pull away at all. He wants this. And I do too. It’s gross. I can’t. I’m kissing him and it feels like this is where I’m meant to be. I’m supposed to be here right now, with him. Kissing Karkat. I could do this for hours.

                       My phone vibrates and it makes me jump. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what am I doing? I jolt back and Karkat looks so shocked, almost hurt, maybe even a little angry. Whatever he’s feeling, he’s upset. I jump up off the bed and fix my shirt where Karkat’s hands don’t know the meaning of personal space. I already know who texted me and I don’t dare look. He knows. “Why did you do that, what the fuck is wrong with you! Fucking fag!” I give a harsh kick to the corner of his bed and almost choke from talking. Karkat looks terrified. He’s curled up in a protective position and tears are welling up in his eyes. Good. My life might as well be over, I know what’ waiting for me at home. I can’t keep my hands from shaking so much. I keep my face as straight as I can even though I can’t breathe “I have to go. Now.” And I’m gone.

                       I make it to the end of the street and I puke into the bushes. I can still taste him and a part of me isn’t disgusted. But I should be, and I’m not. There’s something wrong with me. Fuck, it’s Friday, isn't it?

Chapter Text

                      I stumble through the front door of the apartment, my legs threatening to give out on me. I can’t stop shaking. I tug my sneakers off and tiptoe my way to my room.

                       You know when you’re physically alone, but you can just feel when there’s someone else around. You know that they’re there. Watching you. You can feel their eyes on you, watching your every move, waiting for you to trip up. It makes it hard to breathe.

                       I shut the door behind me as quiet as I can. And set my stuff down. I’ve never cared to much about my shoes, pretty sure they can tell that now with the way the get thrown into the corner. My poor backpack has been a witness to all my shit. Being tagged along without permission. Must suck.  I take a seat at my desk and check my phone. Fuck. It wasn’t him. It was Jade, texting me about earlier. I messed everything up because I got some text completely unrelated to that. I hate my fucking life.

                       The sun’s good as gone now, I can’t even go back and apologize. It’s too late.

                       I shouldn’t leave my room anyways, it’s Friday and he’s home.

                       A knock on my door and I jump. Damn, can’t get a moment of quiet. I open my door; I know who it is since it was an actual knock and the person is still there. “Hey. What do you want that’s so important and definitely not a waste of my precious time.” I pose it as a sentence and not even a question. It’s just Dirk, trying to hide a smile. “I know what you did.” I feel my heart drop, play it cool, he probably is talking about something else, or just trying to mess with me. I stop leaning against the doorframe and cross my arms. “Really? How?” The best way to get him back is to play along, I’ll find a discrepancy in his story and mine. He shoves his phone in my face. It’s an empty chat log with Dirk's stupid AI “Forget about Hal? Might as well be omnipresent.” Fuck. Forgot about Hal.

                       Dirk had the amazing idea of downloading Hal onto my phone too, in case he might be needed, ‘in case I got lonely,’ according to Dirk. But all it means is that I have to cover my phone camera when I change. And that’s where the problem lies, I take my phone out of my pocket when I sit down, which means that…

                       …Hal had access to watch the whole thing. All of it.

                       “So, I find it real hard to believe it since Hal keeps getting on my ass with tricks and shit, so what happened? I wanna hear it from the horse’s mouth directly.” Dirk moved to mimic my stance. I drop my arms and shut the door. I hear him scoff and walk away. It’s none of his business what went down, he has to stop being so goddamn nosey all the time.

                       I set my phone up against something and situate myself across from it. I flip it off. I don’t even know if Hal's paying attention right now, but if he’s seeing this, fuck him, you know? I don’t know how to delete him from my phone, and he’d probably alert Dirk if I tried anyway. I huff and hop on my bed; I should probably respond to Jade. Never been one to leave someone like her on read. She’d chew my ear off if I do that, plus I need someone like her in my life right now.

GG: youre not gonna believe who I met!!!!

TG: really who

GG: ok so
GG: i was at work today aaaand

GG: there was this one customer right?

GG: they reminded me exactly of you!!

TG: yeah yeah funny cause i went to go buy somethin today and I swear the girl at the counter coulda been you

GG: 0_0
GG: that was you?!?!?!?!?!1

TG: possibly
TG: im not just gonna release my identity like that harley im a kid a mystery
TG: fuckin houdini reincarnated
TG: watch out for my next trick in which I escape this tank a water upside down in a straitjacket
TG: oh fuck

GG: :/
GG: dave please…….
GG: its okay!!! youre cute!!! ;)

TG: flattered
TG: really
TG: could say the same about you but

GG: aw thank you!!!!!!

                       I don’t get the chance to finish my sentence before she cuts me off. It’s fine, though. Whatever makes her happy.

GG: so how was your day today?

                       I know I should tell her, I shouldn’t give the wrong idea about me, that I’m that kind of person. I go to type out a response when something hits my door. It’s not a knock, but I’m still being called with something with a lot less flesh and a lot more metal. I reluctantly get up and leave my room. I know the punishment's a lot more unbearable than this.

                       The cameras set up, a chair in place, lights shining down. It’s Friday.

GG: dave? whered you go?

Chapter Text

2 hours ago

                       **I watched him leave. I watched him stumble out the window and down the street. I can’t stop crying. All of the time I spent laying in my bed at night, craving them. They don’t want me. What was I thinking? Of course, he could never love someone like me.

                       Sitting on the bathroom floor, blood drips down my stomach. I should clean it up.**

                       The next day, I don’t receive my usual morning wake-up ramble from dave. I turn off my phone and go back to sleep. I try again tomorrow, no luck. They haven’t said a word to me in days now. They haven’t even knocked on my window. Not that I want to see him, after what he did. But it’d be nice knowing that he’s okay. Even on the rare occasion that I manage to seriously piss them off, they still text me the next morning.

                       I seriously fucked things up with him. I would try and stop by to go see them instead, but they never talk about where they live, like they never want anyone to know. I don’t have any idea where he lives, and it makes this so much harder.

                       I grab my phone and open their contact. I should text him, calling would be too awkward, but maybe he just needs space, even just from me. I’ll leave him alone for now, he’ll come around.

                       A week passes, then two, then three. Nothing. I text John if he’s seen them, the two are best friends. But, nope, Dave's just… disappeared. Apparently, not even his sister can get ahold of him. It reminds me of what Kanaya had told me. She told me that If I love someone, I should do something about it. But it just doesn’t work like that! I did that, I did something about it and look where it got me. I knew it was a bunch of bullshit when she told me, but I listened to her anyway. Oh goddammit, here comes the waterworks. Fuck.

                       I don’t dare go to his graduation ceremony. I don’t care.

                       Half the summer passes and Dave still has yet to respond. I hate him. Thank god I don’t have to spend another school year with him. I don’t want to have to see them every day again. I don’t have any way of getting ahold of him and at this point, I don’t want to.

                       I still think about him when I fuck myself.

                       Gross.

                       I just want them.
                       And they’re gone. 

Chapter Text

                       Spread out on my bed, skin mottled with bruises and bites, from various sources, I feel my phone vibrate for the 10th time today. It’s still Karkat. He’s still looking for me.

                       I’ll hide as long as I need to from him. He doesn’t need me and I want to show him that. I want to show him that nobody really loves you. Everyone is too selfish, focused on themselves, trying to fuck as many people as possible until they die. And nobody can do that when they’re tied down. That’s the whole point to life.

                       My stomach disrupts my train of thought with a growl, what an attention-whore. I sit up and feel my bones crack just from moving. My whole body feels stiff from being thrown against the hot asphalt of the roof all summer. Bro thought it’d be great that since I’ve graduated, I have all the time in the world for my “training.” How fun.

                       I tiptoe out the door, bag over my shoulder, and hope I wasn’t heard. There’s a gas station down the street, I can probably shove something into my pocket from there. I know if you steal from somewhere too much, they start getting suspicious, so I’ve been waiting long enough so I could grab something from there again. No source of income so I have to do what I have to do. No harm in that right?

                       The stupid little bell dings when I open the door, the ones I hate so much.

                       One of those mirror looking cameras is in one of the corners, so my best chance is in the other corner. There’s not much to choose from on this side, so my best bet is a pack of chocolate chip cookies. They’re pretty good anyways. I left a part of my backpack unzipped to it’d make a small hole in the side. Flipping my hand back, I maneuver the cookies into hole while my arm stays straight down. As it falls into whatever little spot it lands in, I grab something off the shelf, I don’t even look at what it is, but if I can play off the noise of the cookies in my backpack as something else, we’re good.

                       I’m not worried about something to drink right now, I’ll find something later, I’m starting to take too long now.

                       Up front, I drop the snack I’ve blindly grabbed on the counter. Turns out it’s some sort of off brand Oreos. What’s up with me and cookies today?

                       $4.92, alright, I can work with that. I only have a five but it’s fine. I hand the person some cash and I go on my way. Holy shit, it’s fucking hot as balls out here. I wish I took my skateboard with me; I’m going to have a hell of a time walking back in this weather. Hate it here.

                       The front door squeaks open as I enter, trying to not make the plastic bag inside my backpack rustle and give me away. I make it inside my room and I pause. I already ate the chocolate chip cookies on the way back, and I don’t like any oreo-adjacent cookie, not to mention, I don’t think Dirk got ahold of anything. Should I just give him those? He’s younger than me and I don’t need him starving to death, all locked up in his room…

                       I’ll give them to him; he could probably use them.

                       I knock on his door. No response. Knock again. Nothing. Is he up on the roof? I go and check. Oh. Nevermind, there he is. He’s sitting up on the ledge, it’s something we used to do together when it was as bad. Haven’t sat there in years though. I hop up there with him and he barely glances. “Gotchu somethin'” I sloppily sign in his direction. I hand the cookies to him anyway. He takes one look at them before turning back. “Can’t have them.”
                       “What? Why?”

                       “Braces.”

                       “Oh yeah. Only thing I got so, take it or leave it.”

He pauses a second before taking them anyway. “I’ll think about it.”

                      “So, whatcha doin' up here?”

He doesn’t answer right away. “See all those people down there? Walkin' around, going to wherever they have to go. If I fell, right now, do you think they’d just keep walking? I mean, what’s one person’s decision going to do to someone’s whole schedule. Unless that decision was to kill them or something, but y'know, people have places to be, people to see. Nobody would care.” What. What is he talking about?

                       “You feelin' alright?” I ask.

                       “Feelin' finer than an upset girlfriend.” I guess if he says he’s fine, then I guess he’s fine?

***

                       Dirk was not fine. He’s dead. Drowning in his own blood. I’m going to have to be the one to clean it up, aren’t I? I didn’t press harder. I just listened to him. I believed him. He needed someone. I’m fucking horrible.

                     No, I can’t hate myself because of this. He wouldn’t want me to do that. It’s not my fault. It can’t be. It’s his fault. I’m going to fucking kill him. He probably got off to watching his own son slit his throat open. God, I fucking hate him.

***

Chapter Text

                       Stepping back through the front doors of the school feels like the opening act of Romeo and Juliet, you walk into the theatre knowing everything’s going to turn to shit in the end and there wasn’t a point in going in the first place. Why do we, as humans, do that? We watch the same performance over and over, knowing how it ends, knowing who dies and who lives, knowing who falls in love and who gets their heart broken, as if by the tenth time maybe it’ll be different. It won’t. And we know that.

                       I can’t find John anywhere, not that I regularly hang out with him. I was only ever near him because we had a class together one year and he introduced me to Dave, who I hung out with all the time, which meant I was with John all the time too. Now that Dave’s gone, I probably won’t see much of John now either. Not that I care. I never did. He was annoying.

                       I ended up with the same locker this year, great really, it’s the super shit one that you have to open a certain way and it’s all rusty and smells like shit. I don’t even need it right now, but good to know where it is. Which is in the exact same fucking spot.

                       First day back went as first days go. The one singular teacher that thinks it’s awesome to make the two new kids tell every life detail to the class, you know, normal shit.

                       Kanaya meets me in our usual spot, and it looks like she brought Terezi along with her, fun. Terezi is… a cute girl, to say the least. She was the first, and only, girl I ever dated. So, the only person I dated, ever, but even then, it was back in, like, 5th grade. We stayed friends, though. All I ever see her eat is candy, and it makes me wonder just how often she has to go to get her braces fixed. I’m grateful I never have to get braces; I don’t think I could live not being able to eat half of my comfort foods without costing big bucks in repairs.

                       Teachers are already assigning homework and it makes me want to end my life more than I already want to. Poor new kids.

                       It’s not like I have anything else to do at home besides that homework. Normally, Dave would be here in my room with me, but he’s not. He’s at the window.

                       Dave is at the window. Holy shit.

                       I pop open the window and they don’t say anything. He shoves me to the side and hop in.

                      “Excuse you, what the fuck!”

                       They shut the window behind them and I can really get a look at them. There’s so many bruises and cuts, some healed, some fresh, they looked half dead. He’s breathing hard, and he looks so apologetic. He grabs my hand and quickly pulls me in. It’s like a dam has burst, they’re kissing me so hard I feel like I’ve been transported into another universe.

                       I can’t do this. I shove him off of me as hard as I can. They stumble back. “The fuck do you think you’re doing!? You can’t just come in here and… and just do that!” Of course, I’m fucking pissed. “I thought you wanted this.”

                        “I mean, I did, until you threatened me!” I still want him, I never stopped, I’ll admit it.

                       “Okay, listen, first off-"

                       “No! I don’t want to hear whatever shit excuses you’re going to make! I’m sorry I thought that you actually thought of me like that. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

                       Their breathing gets even heavier. “No, you should have. What, did it seem like I didn’t like it?”

                       “Well, it did, until you called me a fucking fag!”

                       “I’m sorry, okay! I didn’t mean to react like that. I was scared"

                       What could he have to possibly be scared of? We were in my room. “It’s fine. Let’s just talk right now. I’ve got nothing else to do.”

                       Dave explains everything and there's nothing I can do but stop and listen. I want to listen. He really looks like he needs it. It's a long story, but they tell me about dirk. About the conversation they had, how worrying it was, yet he wasn't worried at all. They tell me everything. A long awaited everything. Listening to them now, it feels almost forbidden to see this side of Dave. The side that's this open. This sensitive. I don't say a word about it, though. 

                       “I’m… I’m sorry to hear that. That, uh, must’ve been hard to see.” I sigh, Dave is telling me about what happened. Opening the door, seeing his brother on the floor. I can barely get Dave to open up about just regular things, let alone something like this.

                       “Yeah, you think? Hated it.”

                       “Who wouldn’t?”

                       “I know someone who wouldn’t. doesn’t matter who, though. If I’m lucky, I never have to see him again.” Dave shrugs. I’m not going to push them, talking about sensitive things with Dave is like navigating an emotional minefield. “How did you get those bruises and… all of that.” I ask, hopefully this ends up being a subject-changer. Maybe they just fell off their skateboard?

                      There's a long silence of just nothing. The kind that weighs on you and makes it hard to breathe. The kind that makes you wish you were doing anything else at all than sit here and sit through this. But I know i have to see this silence through.

                      "I don't want to talk about it."

                      Oh. Okay. "I don't know what in the world could've happened to make this hard to talk about but, if that's what you really want, I'm fine with that." They nod and thank me. "I, uh, I recently started watching Buzzfeed: Unsolved and maybe we could watch that? I don't know they remind me of us. And by that I mean deliriously stupid and idiotic." I suggest. He laughs a bit and agrees.

                      We sit for a while. We aren't worried about talking. About our feelings. About our problems. About our fears. We aee just existing along side each other, watching Ryan and Shane joke about an exorcism or explore a haunted ship and scream at a light that looks like a person on the thermal camera. Listen, they're funny! I ended up maneuvering myself to lay on Dave's chest. It was a pretty risky move, but he never says anything about it. A couple hours pass and I know my parents aren't going to be home anytime soon. Every couple of months, they leave for a weekend to go do whatever it is 40-year-olds in relationships do for dates.

                      I take my chance.

                      "If I kiss you, do you promise you're not gonna call me a homophobic slur this time?"

                      They think about it for a second, but humorously as if they already know the answer. I know he already knows the answer. And I know I don't have to wait for it.

                      I move in to kiss him and he does the same. I love the taste of him, the feeling of him on my skin. Holding them to their promise, I don't feel scared this time, I'm not worried about being hatecrimed, and not even in a 14-year-old bunny-hat-wearing monster-drinking way, I mean geniunely being fucking murdered for something i can't control. And damn I'm not worried about that for once. I feel safe here. Nothing to be scared of.

                      I feel his hands slide up my shirt. One thing to be scared of. I never told him. God, what if he's one of those fuckbutters that supports gay people but draws the line at trans people. Fuck. I could be totally screwed right now. It's fine.

                      I try to turn away, but Dave doesn't stop kissing me. Instead, he just starts kissing my jaw alongside a poor attempt to turn my head back. "Dave- Dave, hold on-" They don't listen. A hand not mine slides from my waist to my hip. It takes a hard shove to get him to stop.

                      I don't know if it's the look of fear in my eyes or the position I'm in that tells him something's wrong, but he gets the message. "Fuck, I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't- I didn't hear you. I thought- fuck." I feel bad, but either way they've gotten off of me and are panting, trying to calm down. A clear of his throat and he's fine. "What's wrong" They ask, slowly. I'm scared to tell him, but I can't think of any other way to get out of this situation without it coming back to bite me in the ass later. "Don't get me wrong, I lo- <span;>want<span;> to do this, with you, I mean. Obviously i don't know who else this would be relevant to in this situation. Uh. " I take a deep breath. Why does coming out have to be so fucking hard. "What, is there something you gotta tell me?"

                      "Yes..."

                      "If you're gonna say that you're a virgin, I don't care about that."

                      "What?"

                      "I don't know, it just made sense. If you're scared about your dick being too small, just know I've had my fair share of seeing bodies and trust me, you've got nothing to be self-conscious about. Just sayin'." He shrugs. What the fuck. "What? What are you talking about? I mean i guess I am nervous about this but I wasn't even going to talk about that! No, I was going to tell you that I'm fucking  trans because I'm scared that you're going to be in for a horrible fucking suprise when you take of my shirt and it's not my bare fucking chest! I'm actually not all that scared about fucking you! It's something that i genuinely want! I just don't want you to hate me! So if you do just go ahead and tell me, don't just sit there looking all shocked like you never knew this was possibly a thing like you are doing right now. I know you already knew, there's no way you didn't! I look like a fucking girl! I know I do, there's no way around it!" My voice is harsher than usual, more ragged. I can't tell if it's from fear, or anger. I don't care enough to guess. On screen, Ryan is talking about how Bigfoot writes sonnets on a little table. Dave looks shocked, in their own little Dave way. "You know, i just thought you were one of those dudes who puberty just never hit hard, but I guess that makes more sense. I never put thought into it."

                      "Do you even care?"

                      "No, not really. Can I go back to kissing you now?"

                      I sigh. "Yeah."

Chapter Text

                      There's a part of me that wished I talked to Dirk more. I never had the time, nor did I care to even try to find it in the first place. I should have.

                      There's a part of me that wished I called my mom about this. As reluctant I as I am to see her, there's a chance I'll have it better up in New York. I should try. She offered.

                      I don't have much of a choice on that last one, I don't know if Roxy has the space for me and that's kind of my only choice if I want to stay here. Damn, that sucks.

                      A part of me wishes I hadn't lost my mind and attacked him first. I knew I wasn't going to win. I'm lucky to be alive. Nothing's broken either, almost like he went easy on me.

                      A part of me is glad.

                      Another part of me fucking pissed.

                      Karkat's skin is way softer than mine. I like that. That's cool. Having soft skin. Do you think he moisturizes? Fucking wild. I should moisturize. I have huge calluses on my hands that make your skin sting when it rubs against them. I should look up how to get rid of calluses. Do calluses scar? Am I going to have these forever?

                      When can I take Karkat's shirt off? He's hot and I want to know. Unless he doesn't want to. 'Cause that's fine too. I just like being here. No clue why. Pretty sure it has something to do with Karkat's existence, but call it just a hunch.

                      I should ask Rose if she and Roxy have any extra couches I can sleep on. I doubt Karkat would let me sleep here. It'd be embarrassing to ask and he say no, I should just not even ask him. Go straight to Rose. Yeah.

                      Let's see how long I can go before I forget to ask her. 

                      I like doing this, kissing Karkat. Right now, it's just quiet panting and us trying not to giggle like little girls at a sleepover for the first time because I put my hand in the wrong spot and almost fell on top of him. I like to think we have fun. I find this fun. I wonder what he thinks of this. I wonder if he like likes me back.

                      God, I sound like a middle schooler. Pathetic.

                      What if he does? I haven't done relationships in a while. What if he wants to be my boyfriend? Don't tell him I said this, but I'm hoping he does.

                     I wonder what he's thinking right now. 

Chapter Text

                      God, this man is so beautiful.

                      I would let him step on me and I would be the one apologizing. Of course, I'd never tell him that. Who knows, he could take it too literally, or he'd just lightly punch me in the arm and laugh. I like the way they laugh, I don't hear it often, but it's pleasant to hear on the off chance they find something good enough for his "clearly advanced" humor that's "too good for [me]" to understand, with my "naïve, simple worldview." I swear, half the shit Dave says makes me want to pull my brains out through my eye sockets and squeeze it in my grubby fists until I can no longer percieve the pain being around this man makes me feel.

                      Either way, They're still really hot and- I'll admit, reluctantly- is actually pretty funny. As much as he is aggravating. Regardless, some strange reason I still want him. It would be so easy to make him mine.

                      Oh god, what if he feels the same? What if he wants to be with me?

                      There's no way, but also it could be real? He's still here, kissing me. It's entirely possible. But also, he could just be waiting for me to make the move. Am I subconsciously waiting for him to ask me? What am I hoping he asks me? To be his boyfriend?

                      I wonder how many episodes of this show is left, is there still a whole season we have to watch?

                      Dave said they didn't have anywhere to go. He was too scared to go back. It's the first time I've ever heard him mention himself and "scared" in the same sentence.

                      Would he want to stay here, with me? Or does he want to be as far as he can get from here? Maybe from me? Sounds awful considering the fact that we're making out in my bedroom.

                      I'm breathless now, maybe we should stop. Okay, think of something, an excuse or something, quick.

                      "I love you."

                      "What?"

Chapter Text

                      Two weeks and I'm practically living with Karkat without his dad knowing. Gone during the day, sleep here at night. Easy. But I know I can't keep that up forever. I might get found and thrown out on my ass, my ass that I've spent so long perfecting the roundness of. Alright, that's a lie, I was born with buns this great.

                      I've visited home once, only to grab my phone charger and avoid looking at the bathroom door. Just don't want to think about it any more than I have to.

                      I need to figure out my plans here, sort this shit out.

                      Karkat’s asleep on me.

                      Like, full-on knocked out, half his face buried in my hoodie and one leg thrown over me like I’m some kind of human-shaped body pillow he bought at a convention as a joke but then ended up using for real. It’s not uncomfortable, exactly. Just heavy. In that “you can’t get up without looking like an asshole” way.

                      My mom’s in New York. Haven’t really talked to her in… years? The occasional awkward holiday phone call counts as “talking,” right? She’s got Rose and Roxy there, doing whatever inscrutable goth-girl and chaos-goblin things they do.

                      I could call her.

                      I should call her.

                      I’m definitely not gonna call her.

                      I fish my phone out of my pocket and hold it above my face in a way that Karkat wouldn't read the screen easily if he woke up, and pull up Rose's contact. If anyone’s gonna give it to me straight, it’s her. And she’s easier to talk to than Mom anyway, whose primary mode of communication is polite disappointment.

TG: yo
TT: Oh good, the prodigal son lives. What’s the occasion?
TG: thinking about moving to new york
TT: Is this because you finally realized Texas is a nightmare state?
TG: nah i realized that years ago
TG: its more that my living situation is about 200% worse than i let on
TT: And here I thought it was already apocalyptic. What happened?
TG: long story short dirks dead bros still an asshole and im not sticking around to be his next project
TT: …
TT: I see.

                      There's a long pause, and I know she's thinking about something.

TT: If it’s between staying there and being here, you know my vote. But you need to call Mom yourself, or she’ll think I’m coercing you with my dark sorcery.
TG: oh no the horrors
TT: You laugh, but that is exactly the kind of thing she’d say. Call her, Dave. Tonight.

                      I glance down at Karkat. He's drooling a little, snoring away and he doesn't even know it. On the shelf across the room, I make unwilling eye-contact with a familiar porcelain kitty. Going through with this would mean leaving it behind. Karkat, not the cat, I mean. I'd be leaving him, and John, and now Jade. But that's it. There's not much left in this hellcity that I'm tied to. No job, no school.

                      I open my contacts until I find Mom's number, my thumb hovering over the call button. The smart move would be to wait until morning, when I'm not being used as a mattress, but Rose specified tonight. A sigh, and I stare at the now-dark screen. Tomorrow.