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Being “HiMERU” means living a suffocating existence. The name carries two owners, two lives, but one identity. Kaname is given the name by his company, a convenient lie used to create a comfortable distance between his personal life and professional life. He’s a spunky young boy, but he’s dreadfully shy about the idea of being honest in such a public way, so it’s a relief to make “Kaname Tojou, the Reimei Academy student and whole person” and “HiMERU, the superstar idol, nothing more and nothing less” two distinctly different entities. It’s also quite good for his company if the little flaws and undesirable traits the real Kaname has are kept away from HiMERU, brushed under the rug like they don’t matter and don’t even exist.
HiMERU’s concept is centered around being sexy, being attractive, being yearned for – but in reality, Kaname is the one doing the yearning. He’s fully aware that he’s gay, and he’s even more aware that he’s madly in love with fellow Reimei Academy idol Tatsumi Kazehaya — but unlike him, Tatsumi doesn’t have the protection of a stage name to shield him. And so, their unusual relationship is kept a secret, something HiMERU’s company made very clear to him that he needs to cover up at all times, no matter what it takes. He’s a blissfully ignorant idiot, an eternally optimistic and upbeat 16 year old, a bright and dazzling boy with a love for everything he does and endless motivation.
Kaname’s older brother is a bit different. Rather, he’s the complete opposite of Kaname. The Tojous are two sides of the same coin, constantly told by everyone who ever meets them that they could pass as twins despite the few years separating their ages. ** is cold and analytical, a genius with no need for friendship or passion or love — or anything else that Kaname requires to live, really. He’s strict and serious, quiet and wise beyond his years, a well-educated university student who skipped a few grades here and there. Sometimes Kaname envies **, and sometimes ** envies Kaname; the fact that they’re such mirror images of each other is an unmistakable truth, but it doesn’t stop them from wanting the things they can each never have.
** has no interest in idols and finds Kaname’s chosen career path foolish, even though he still cheers him on during his performances. With eternally absent parents, ** is left to raise Kaname the majority of time, and many of Kaname’s decisions make ** wonder where he went wrong. He always intended for Kaname to become a respectable and regular member of society, someone who doesn’t make a fuss, someone who blends into the background easily like ** does. It’s not like he doesn’t want more for Kaname but a Tojou has to be realistic, considering their family’s unremarkable history. That’s why it’s so shocking when Kaname boldly proclaims his dream to be an idol, and why it’s even more shocking when he actually somehow succeeds at it. Kaname has always been known for being a clumsy wreck, a bumbling mess, a good-natured idiot who always tries his best but never manages to accomplish much. It’s a miracle, perhaps almost even suspicious, that he manages to become such a popular idol.
He’s a bad dancer at first, but his singing is remarkable for someone with little to no formal training. ** has always had to admit to himself that Kaname possesses a gift for connecting with others, especially through his beautiful voice. He has plenty of friends and even more potential; the real trouble is just getting him to make proper use of his unpolished skills. Kaname’s idol company — CosPro — and Reimei Academy are impressive and powerful entities in the world of idols. He goes from a completely inexperienced trainee to a famous idol in a matter of months with their careful training and devoted supervision.
CosPro and Reimei Academy are brutal environments to spend all his time in. He works longer hours than he ever thought possible, going straight from school to idol work to collapsing in a heap in his bed late at night every day. ** is only barely able to convince him to not take on a part-time job as well; Kaname would surely break entirely if he pushed himself any further. Living with someone you never get a chance to actually talk to is a unique type of loneliness. Kaname constantly just drags himself into their tiny house, limbs aching after an entire afternoon of idol practice, gives ** a weak hug, and falls asleep. Sometimes he doesn’t even make it to his bedroom upstairs, and ** has learned to keep a blanket and pillow by the couch for situations like this.
Cooking dinner for one is rather depressing, in **’s opinion.
Burnout is a looming threat in Kaname’s life, but it’s a unique type of enemy that’s nearly silent until it’s about to strike with full force. He’s able to manage this workaholic lifestyle for many months with little serious trouble, aside from the scrapes and bruises that become a consistent part of his appearance, just barely hidden under his tight idol outfits. ** always lectures him under his breath about needing to take better care of himself as he helps him bandage them up, but Kaname always just gives him a sheepish grin and tells him he’ll be more careful next time (which is always a lie).
It’s hard to be upset when you’re living your dream, and it’s even harder when you know Tatsumi Kazehaya. Kaname often laments his inability to express his affection for his boyfriend in public, homosexuality and romantic relationships in general both being considered forbidden traits for idols. He’s extremely lucky that CosPro doesn’t force them to break up, so he listens to everything they tell him to do; he knows that he owes them greatly for not meddling in his romantic relationship aside from telling him to be subtle about its existence. Many other companies would interfere more directly, but Kaname makes up for this perceived flaw by working harder than any single or straight idol ever would. CosPro and Kaname both know that they can’t do anything to jeopardize the career of their top idol HiMERU, so Kaname is able to get away with anything as long as it never goes near the HiMERU identity.
Tatsumi is Kaname’s reason to keep going, and perhaps he’s HiMERU’s too, judging by how his best performances always happen when he knows Tatsumi is watching. Kaname’s heart belongs to Tatsumi, bound tightly by a red string he’s certain exists. He’s the most important person in Kaname’s life outside of ** and this fact shows more and more as his idol career progresses. Tatsumi is there for him in ways that ** could never, should never, would never be. Having a first love is exciting and exhilarating, even more than performing on a huge idol stage is, and Tatsumi occupies a huge portion of his thoughts and his heart. He loses himself in love, and in Tatsumi’s arms in tucked away corners of Reimei Academy. Tatsumi is a shining idol too and Kaname adores him with an almost religious type of worship, a holy angel come to life. Tatsumi is a Christian, but he’s by no means stereotypically afraid to love another man, something Kaname always thought was impossible to take pride in until he met someone so boldly unashamed of it.
Sometimes it’s hard to get a proper read on Tatsumi’s true intentions. Occasionally, very rarely, he has this weird colder look in his eyes that implies something Kaname can’t quite understand. These paranoid thoughts instantly get shut up by a hand gently brushing his hair out of his face and soft lips pressing against his, but they still haunt him whenever he thinks about them too hard. There’s simply never time to overthink things when he lives such a busy lifestyle, so Kaname just accepts everything good that comes his way with surface level blind trust. He loves Tatsumi, he craves his touch, he needs his very existence like he needs air, and this feeling is surely mutual as long as he never questions it.
Tatsumi is cute when he cheers Kaname on during practices, he’s handsome when he’s focusing while they work on their homework together, and he’s something indescribable when they’re alone together with their hands interlocked saying things nobody else will ever hear. He’s Kaname’s dream man living his dream career path with him, and it’s easy to accept that life is finally looking up with these facts combined. Their hands, their lips, their souls, these two boys fit together like mirror images perhaps even better than Kaname and ** do. He’s growing up and finding his own path, one that ** can never cross with him but one Tatsumi will eagerly join him on. Tatsumi gives him things ** can never give him, things nobody else can ever give him. Loving a brother is one thing, but loving a boyfriend, a soulmate, is another thing entirely. Kaname has never felt things like this before and he questions whether he’ll ever be able to feel them again after.
First love at age 16 is dizzying and immature and incredibly personal, but it’s a good kind of extreme. Kaname’s relationship eats away at **, however. Something about its intensity, something about Kaname’s noticeable behavior changes, something about Tatsumi himself — it all rubs him the wrong way. It’s frustrating to watch his younger brother completely lose himself and dedicate everything to a boy he’s only known for a few months, but he knows that he has to accept it. ** doesn’t understand much about romance, always living worlds away from his peers, but he understands the concept of attraction in theory at least — and it makes him feel a bit sick. Distractions such as this are a nightmare to imagine for **, but he knows that Kaname needs something — anything — he can focus on instead of work all the time. And so, he never voices his concerns or tells Kaname to slow down or hold back. Having a lovesick teenage brother is a pain, but it’s better than having a heartbroken one would be; this is the simple deduction ** has made and sticks to with every action he ever takes regarding Kaname and Tatsumi.
The lovestruck butterflies in Kaname’s stomach threaten to erupt into something more resembling an angry swarm of bees whenever he argues with Tatsumi. This is rare, but whenever it happens, it's incredibly upsetting. Kaname is a weak and fragile flower, crying and shouting through his tears, but Tatsumi is much more sturdy. It’s terrifying how easily he can shut off his usual personality and turn into someone colder when he feels the need to. It’s not like their relationship is outright unhealthy, not quite, but the trademark youthful codependency slowly drags Kaname further and further down into something he can’t fully recover from. They usually get along very well, but it’s scary to imagine what might happen if they ever break up, considering how many professional connections both of them have. ** may be a master at hiding his emotions, but Kaname certainly isn’t, and anything that could affect HiMERU’s reputation is expressly forbidden.
Tatsumi has the spirit of a saint, but he’s just another passionate teenager with big dreams at his core, barely older than Kaname himself. He’s a little less famous than HiMERU, but he’s still quite praiseworthy in his own right, so it’s unclear what he would stand to gain from Kaname outside of just genuinely loving him. He’s a surprisingly rebellious student, skipping class more and more as the school year goes on and dragging Kaname with him everywhere he goes, no matter how much trouble they might get in. He’s a larger than life figure with secret goals of revolution.
Kaname is all too aware of the toxic aspects of the idol industry, even before he signs up to become a part of it, but it’s definitely even worse than he expected. Tatsumi is the same way, and this is something they often bond over. Tatsumi likes to make claims of grandeur, determined to restructure and reframe the idol industry from the inside out. It’s a noble goal for someone so young and inexperienced, but going to Reimei Academy immediately gives him the potential for that to actually come true. There’s whispered rumors of similarly rebellious feelings at other idol schools like Yumenosaki and Shuuetsu, ghosts of daring plans that will never come to fruition and ideas that are too unrealistic for mere high schoolers to pull off. Reimei Academy’s star pupil, Tatsumi, is different, however.
He’s far more capable than he even realized himself, easily getting more and more people on his side. Through it all, Kaname remains his top supporter, practically joined at his hip as they try to make their school a better place. Tatsumi has a powerful and compelling personality, and slowly starts to overshadow HiMERU more and more. Kaname is okay with this, but CosPro and Reimei Academy aren’t. This interferes with HiMERU’s success, and so, drastic measures are taken.
The “accident” is something Kaname wipes from his memory as soon as it happens, although it’s unclear whether this is a conscious decision or a simple trauma response. Fuzzy memories of blood and tears and screaming immediately get locked away in a deep part of his mind as he begins his new life in the hospital. He tells ** nothing, but it’s impossible to fully hide something as major as what happened. ** pieces everything together easily, an analytical genius as always, and a burning hatred for the idol industry and Tatsumi kindles in his protective older brother heart. HiMERU and the idol Tatsumi Kazehaya have both officially gone on an indefinite hiatus.
His dreams and first love have both exploded and withered away before they’ve barely even had a chance to start.
Kaname Tojou is all he is now, and all he ever will be anymore, and that’s a difficult reality to cope with as he sits alone in a hospital bed. Blankets and bandages cover places gentle hands once touched, now scarred and bruised, and his mind is a mess; having experienced love means that losing it makes him even lonelier than he was before. His red string has definitely been cut into pieces by now. HiMERU’s fate lies in limbo, stuck between a broken body and shattered mental health, along with a CosPro contract that he legally can’t escape quite yet. A hiatus can’t last forever when the idol in question isn’t allowed to retire. A workaholic even in spirit, HiMERU physically is not allowed to give up.
This complication eats away at him as he spends his days in the hospital, allowed very little human contact besides with ** and the hospital staff. He hasn’t seen Tatsumi since the day his previous life ended, and he honestly isn’t sure if he wants to. It’s awkward to know he’s probably single now without ever getting a formal breakup, but that’s the least of his concerns when he has HiMERU’s life and legacy lying in his shaking hands.
Moments with ** in the hospital are solemn and awkward, hushed and stilted conversations between a pair of brothers who have suddenly realized that they’re less alike than they ever thought. Kaname and Tatsumi changed each other, but the person that was changed the most by their relationship was **. During his hospital visits, exhausted eyebags and frazzled long hair cover the fiery rage blazing through his entire soul, dark and violent thoughts constantly swirling in his mind, the one thing he never shares with Kaname. Kaname is a kind and forgiving boy, one with a tender disposition and an understanding nature no matter how badly he’s been wronged by others.
**, on the other hand, is out for revenge.
Burying away remnants of cut long hair and glasses that can’t be worn again, ** changes his appearance. He doesn’t tell Kaname why at first, hand-waving every question away with smoothly rehearsed excuses, but they’re both all too aware of the constant twin comparisons they’ve been the subject of for their entire lives. ** clearly begins to lean into this misconception after Kaname’s accident, never correcting anyone who asks how he’s already out of the hospital and smiling warmly as he explains “his” future plans for HiMERU’s idol career. It’s unnerving and unsettling and absolutely artificial, but there’s something relieving about seeing HiMERU continue on like this, like a normal boy, like he’s not confined to this goddamned hospital bed all day.
HiMERU wants nothing more than to perform again, and so, ** gives him the opportunity again in a way Kaname never can anymore. ** becomes HiMERU, in spirit and soul and body. It’s gradual changes at first, things like ** asking unusually specifically questions during his hospital visits ( “How would HiMERU do this?” ) and ** listening to nothing but HiMERU songs for days and days. As time goes on, however, it gets stranger and stranger. His questions become more philosophical and abstract, his music looping accompanied by perfected mimicry of dance moves and entire choreographies. After a lifetime of being a genius with prodigy levels of skills, ** is adept at memorizing things and improves his new intentionally acquired talents far faster than Kaname ever did. It’s a startling evolution to witness in real time, a metamorphosis into a person who already existed — especially because ** never explains why he’s doing this to Kaname until his transformation is already basically complete.
CosPro takes interest in ** even faster than they took interest in Kaname. A way to replace their star idol HiMERU without actually replacing him entirely is a tempting proposition, and it’s one they’re quick to accept. Kaname may have created the HiMERU identity, but he’s unnecessary for its continuation — he’s expendable . ** is a better dancer, a better singer, a genius, and best of all: obedient. He’s missing Kaname’s impractical little flaws, the things that piled up into his inevitable accident, and he’s also missing the hospital bracelet tied around Kaname’s wrist like a handcuff. With no interest in romance and even less interest in rebellion, ** is a better candidate for being HiMERU than Kaname ever was. There’s just one tiny little issue — ** has zero genuine desire to be an idol.
Plenty of idols only get into the business for fame, so a lack of passion is no real problem — but ** doesn’t even want that . His motivations and true self are a blurry puzzle to everyone, even to himself and Kaname, as two people get closer and closer to being just one. Kaname is irrelevant, his time all used up before he even hits his 20s, and ** is too, a ghost of a person who intentionally chose to stop existing. All that remains in the wake of the now invisible Tojou brothers is the building blocks of the new and improved HiMERU.
HiMERU is a star idol preparing for his newest comeback, his return live after a long period of inactivity, CosPro’s forgotten former poster child who surely could have been more than he was able to be if he just got another chance to prove himself. Solo activities aren’t particularly trendy in the idol world anymore, however. Group activities are all the rage now, and far more profitable; it’s significantly easier to market a unit of diverse idols compared to just betting on the success of one niche solo idol. And so, HiMERU’s contract is amended and he re-debuts in the unit Crazy:B.
Made up of three former idols and one newbie with familial connections to one of ES’s big three units, Crazy:B has the potential to be a powerhouse. ** personally has no real interest in this arrangement, but HiMERU has to. And so, he grins and bears it, just like he does with everything in HiMERU’s life.
** fucking hates being in Crazy:B at first. Rinne is the most annoying man he’s ever met, Niki is an idiot with somehow even less interest in being an idol than ** has, and Kohaku is clearly planning something violent that HiMERU shouldn’t get involved in. They’re all terrible for HiMERU’s image and bring him far more trouble than they’re worth. It’s like he can feel HiMERU’s reputation getting worse and worse every minute he spends with them.
Something unexpectedly strange happens after HiMERU joins Crazy:B, though. Tatsumi Kazehaya becomes an idol again too. Alkaloid is a unit of pathetic underachievers, like ants ** could crush with his heel if he so much as felt like it — but they’re too interesting for him to do that quite yet. Tatsumi is known for solo activities as well, so it seems like a very intentional choice for him to re-debut at around the same time as HiMERU. It almost feels like a petty move from StarPro, but ** bites his tongue for the sake of HiMERU. Everything is for the sake of HiMERU, no matter how painful it is. Everything .
Even if he genuinely wanted to stay out of their way, it’s impossible to fully get Alkaloid out of HiMERU’s hair — their two units’ leaders are brothers. The Amagis are the thing tying Alkaloid and Crazy:B together, both in terms of their often shared fanbase and in terms of their fates. Hiiro Amagi is the thing tying everything in Ensemble Square together, whether he knows it or not. He’s the catalyst for the new age of idols, the new era of Tatsumi’s career in the unit Hiiro leads with the kind of carefree youthfulness only someone different from former Reimei revolutionaries could possess.
Something about the Amagi brothers makes ** feel sick to HiMERU’s stomach. He considers having anything in common with Rinne to be a red flag, but he especially hates the fact that they’re both older brothers. Rinne doesn’t know this, or so ** hopes, but it still feels like a punch to the gut to watch the Amagi brothers interact. How dare Rinne treat Hiiro with so much disregard, how dare he act so self-centered, how dare he not realize how lucky he is to even have a brother he can still fight back against?
It only barely begins to hit ** that he might be projecting a bit once the Amagis start getting along again. Perhaps he needs to visit the hospital more often, but it hurts too much to see Kaname in such a sorry state. Kaname is like a living corpse, seeming more and more fragile every time ** visits him. In the past, he used to be this weak from overworking himself in pursuit of his dream — now he struggles this much just trying to survive. ** used to feel a sense of comfort from Kaname wrapping his arms around him, but now everything just feels hollow.
Who even is HiMERU, really?
It’s a valid question, one ** has spent endless hours pondering over with both the assistance of CosPro and his own analysis skills. To CosPro, HiMERU is a money-making machine; to Kaname, HiMERU is the symbol of his dreams; to Tatsumi and **, HiMERU represents their failures. Interestingly enough, though, Tatsumi doesn’t behave the way HiMERU predicted he would after their reunion. His deduction skills have never failed him like this before, not until he sees Tatsumi offer him genuine gentle smiles in the ES hallways while he holds Mayoi’s hand. Tatsumi has already moved on, acting like nothing happened between the two of them at all, while ** is left to pick up the pieces of HiMERU’s broken heart.
Alkaloid are all frustrating to watch interact with Tatsumi, but especially Mayoi. Hiiro is clueless, Aira is a superfan blinded by adoration, and Mayoi is the next lovestruck Kaname. None of them know the things Tatsumi did, the things Kaname did, the way the two of them used to look at each other — it’s like torture . Or, well, this is what HiMERU assumes, but the pitying glances in Mayoi’s eyes whenever he passes by HiMERU imply Tatsumi may be a bit more honest with him than ** expected.
That makes the rage swirling up in ** even more fiery. How could Tatsumi tell Mayoi all these things about the past without Kaname’s permission, and how could Mayoi accept and love him , sins and all? It’s incomprehensible, logic that makes no sense, decisions that are incompatible with anything ** could have ever deduced. Not understanding love has always been **’s strength, the thing that keeps him worlds away from easily-broken humans, but he begins to realize through watching Alkaloid that he’s more full of love — and more broken — than he initially thought.
Kaname is the exception to everything for **, the one person he deeply values and would do anything for, but other people slowly begin to work their way into his heart as well. He loves everything about Kaname, no matter how many problems he causes, but he also loves a few things here and there about Crazy:B as well. He feels ghosts of his old desire to protect whenever Kohaku looks up at him with childish expressions, the pain in his heart briefly lightens when he eats Niki’s cooking, and he can’t stop himself from worrying whenever Rinne starts acting self-destructive.
Kohaku is the first person besides Kaname to manage the impossible feat of getting ** to truly care about him. Rinne and Niki have each other in Crazy:B, but it’s immediately apparent that Kohaku is an exceptionally lonely boy. From the bits and pieces HiMERU has gathered about him, Kohaku doesn’t seem to have much of a distinct identity either. Being raised to serve is different from how ** willingly put himself in the same position, but their feelings are similar in some ways. It’s heartwarming to watch Kohaku stumble and blunder his way into friendships and new hobbies, Crazy:B becoming the place where he can finally act like a normal teenager. He’s suspicious and scarily tough, but he also has a cute face and a charming personality.
Eating sweets with Kohaku makes HiMERU open up more easily than he ever intends to. He’s pleasant to talk to, refreshingly blunt about his feelings and usually easy to read. He’s also the perfect person to complain to whenever Rinne or Niki do annoying things. Kohaku and HiMERU instinctively gravitate towards each other ever since Crazy:B first gets established, the awkward additions to Rinne and Niki’s long history together. Kohaku is the person HiMERU saves all his extra sweets for, and HiMERU is the person Kohaku unconsciously clings to whenever he naps outside. He looks and acts nothing like Kaname, but the feelings he sparks in ** are similar.
Kohaku definitely doesn’t need protection, unlike Kaname, but sometimes HiMERU wants to provide it for him anyways. He begins to vaguely miss his time spent as an older brother, as ** Tojou, as someone with an identity separate from Kaname’s. He’s saving Kaname’s spot as HiMERU, while Kohaku’s existence has been designed to ensure that certain people will always remain in their own spots, no matter what it takes. ** and Kohaku are both human tools, and to some extent, HiMERU himself is too. Two tools combined are surprisingly independent, though. Kohaku blossoms into not just any other Oukawa family member, but into his own unique self, the idol Kohaku of Crazy:B and Double Face; HiMERU is once again left in the background. It’s preferable to live like this, not getting close to anyone, but something aches in him when he watches Kohaku perform as part of Double Face. He shines in a way ** never could, not like this, not like the original HiMERU could.
Kohaku’s true self belongs primarily with Crazy:B, this much is obvious, but he can still be the same complete person even with two different major sides to his life. This is an interesting observation for **, someone torn between his past and present selves like they’re two entirely separate people. Kohaku of Crazy:B and Kohaku of Double Face are equally important entities, one and the same despite their differences. He’s appreciated by the people around him either way, no matter how secretive and corrupt his past or Double Face activities are. This level of acceptance is remarkable and unthinkable for HiMERU, someone determined to hide everything about himself and entirely become what he’s supposed to be. A part of him thinks that it’s almost aspirational, but that line of thinking is too scary to seriously consider — ** needs to be HiMERU, nothing more and nothing less.
HiMERU’s relationship with Niki brings up far less emotional baggage than his relationship with Kohaku does — usually, at least. Niki is a simple-minded man with little to no suspicious ulterior motives. HiMERU isn’t used to such innocent and well-meaning people, people who genuinely don’t want to gain anything from him. The only thing Niki seems to want from HiMERU is for him to taste-test his cooking and occasionally help with grocery shopping. They’ll go to the store together, just the two of them, and Niki will share all sorts of random stories while HiMERU helps carry his bags. Niki is a tenderhearted guy with a knack for telling when someone needs the type of uncomplicated company he can provide, and he’s clearly figured out HiMERU needs it.
Niki has an uncanny ability to tell when HiMERU is in a bad mood, even though ** never lets his guard down. He’ll knock on HiMERU’s door and leave him freshly baked snacks, or he’ll ask him to come hang out together, or he’ll ask HiMERU to help him out in the kitchen. Niki, as the most down-to-earth person in their unit, is good at getting people’s minds off of troubling things and helps keep the rest of Crazy:B grounded in reality. Niki knows how to make all of HiMERU’s favorite sweets (and **’s too), and this is all HiMERU really needs in a friendship.
It’s a strange yet pleasant feeling to no longer make dinner for one, that’s for sure. Food tastes better when it’s not heated up in a microwave, eaten alone on a couch. HiMERU smiles a little to himself whenever he watches his three unit-mates fight over pieces of food, arguing about the most meaningless and silly of topics. At first, HiMERU isn’t certain if he can trust Niki, his kindness seemingly too good to be true; in HiMERU’s experience, people like that usually have malicious motivations. He gives in and accepts it when he sees Niki secretly slide extra food onto Kohaku’s plate, and when he sees how selflessly Niki treats someone as difficult as Rinne. Niki is definitely a good man, and ** can’t help but distantly wonder if things would’ve gone differently for Kaname if ** had Niki’s levels of patience and empathy.
He just buries these concerns with more bites of Niki’s home-cooked meals.
“Delicious,” HiMERU and ** both think.
Rinne is the most difficult person to get used to in Crazy:B by far. He’s annoying, he’s rude, he’s prone to harassing people, and his biggest talent is dragging their entire unit into trouble. He’s like a ticking time bomb, a grown-up who never got to let out his teenage angst and is finally doing it embarrassingly late. Niki explains a lot of things about Rinne to HiMERU, fondly recollecting sweet stories from their younger years with a quiet voice, but it’s hard to believe them when he sees the modern Rinne’s behavior. HiMERU supposes that he isn’t the only person in this unit who’s drastically changed over time; he doesn’t want to claim that Rinne has things easier than HiMERU does, but their motivations for their changes are quite different.
Local Rinne expert Niki reminds HiMERU to be patient, be patient, be patient with Crazy:B’s leader. He’s going through a difficult period of his life and everyone else has to deal with the side effects of it; ** thinks that this behavior shouldn’t be enabled so much, but he bites his tongue yet again for the sake of HiMERU. Staying in line and avoiding questioning his unit leader outside of little snarky remarks here and there is the easiest option for HiMERU.
Sometimes, however, the easiest and most HiMERU-like option isn’t always the correct one. ** feels knots in HiMERU’s stomach when he watches Rinne; witnessing self-destructive behaviors is nothing new to **, and the consequences of not taking action last time forever haunt him. He can’t live with himself if he keeps letting Rinne intentionally fall apart. He can’t watch someone do that again, not again. And so, for once in his life, HiMERU speaks up.
Other people like Niki reach out to HiMERU, but with Rinne, HiMERU has to be the one to genuinely reach out first. Rinne usually just shamelessly flirts with him; he has zero intentions of seriously committing to anything other than trying to see HiMERU make funny expressions. ** can’t stand the way his body automatically reacts with flushed cheeks when Rinne starts acting too touchy. ** still doesn’t understand romance, not at all, but he might actually understand attraction after all. Perhaps he’s a little more like Kaname than he thought.
Trying to have more serious interactions with Rinne than that is a nightmare, though. He’s the type to push away anything uncomfortable or boring, just like Kaname; having prior experience with this kind of person doesn’t make it any easier to deal with Rinne, however. Rinne only seems to listen to him when he drops the HiMERU persona, but doing so is excruciating. The pain may be worth it, but being forced to be himself is a terrifying thing for both ** and HiMERU at this point. This is probably exactly what Rinne wants; as time goes on, it becomes more and more clear that HiMERU isn’t the only one making a subtle effort to help the other person in this dynamic.
Rinne takes advantage of the concept of tough love to break ** out of his HiMERU shell. He has this effect on people; he’s the kind of guy who makes people lose control of their emotions, for better or for worse. He’ll poke and prod at HiMERU’s most secretive feelings with ease, constantly trying to get a rise out of the real **, but he also knows his limits. Rinne and HiMERU are constantly subtly looking out for each other, both too bold and two-faced to ever outright admit to it, and HiMERU begins to vaguely understand why Rinne is their unit’s leader. Opening up becomes easier over time, but it’s unclear if that’s a good thing or not.
The modern HiMERU has one key advantage over the original one: he’s in a unit. Being a solo idol is beneficial in many ways, but it’s agonizingly lonely. Kaname lived and breathed friendship, so starved for touch that he’d accept any and all attention without a second thought, to the point where he made bad decisions just to obtain it. **, on the other hand, has always felt satisfied with a solitary lifestyle and has never felt a need for companionship. This only furthers **’s belief that Kaname was an idol in the wrong place at the wrong time; he would be a far better fit for a unit like Crazy:B than ** is. Crazy:B would like Kaname better; he would be more social, more friendly, more upbeat. He was the original HiMERU for a reason, the Tojou who genuinely wanted to be an idol — and here ** is, living Kaname’s dream with a group of people who give him the affection that Kaname should have gotten instead. If it weren’t for that damn accident that every issue in HiMERU’s life comes back to, Kaname would’ve been the one to join Crazy:B someday; ** can’t get this fact out of his mind.
Kaname is HiMERU, and ** is only a shallow impersonation, an empty soul carrying on the spirit of a former legend. He deserves none of what Crazy:B gives him, none of their love, none of HiMERU’s success, none of the fun moments HiMERU experiences. Guilt is overwhelming, crushing, just as suffocating as being HiMERU is. Being more selfish and letting himself be freely happy is so tempting, but ** has impressive self-control and doesn’t dare bite the apple.
Despite his guilt and constant self-comparisons, there are some things only ** can do that Kaname can’t. Only ** knows Kohaku’s favorite sweets, and the spots Niki keeps everything in his kitchen, and the things Rinne thinks improve his luck. Kaname knows all about Tatsumi’s past and the idol industry and heartbreak, but ** knows how Tatsumi looks in an Alkaloid uniform and new love. Being ** has a few advantages that being Kaname doesn’t have.
Being HiMERU also means that ** is the only one who has to see Tatsumi move on; ** is able to spare Kaname from further heartbreak. Tatsumi is quieter and smarter with Mayoi than he was with Kaname, having learned from his past mistakes, but one doesn’t need **’s level of observation skills to notice Tatsumi is in love again. Tatsumi thrives in a unit, just like how ** is certain Kaname would have. Mayoi is someone who puzzles HiMERU a bit; he’s so skilled, but he came out of nowhere and stole Tatsumi’s heart in an instant. HiMERU doesn’t have any reason to have anything against Mayoi, but it feels like he should. Whenever he sees Tatsumi and Mayoi perform in perfect sync onstage, whenever he overhears the things they say about each other, whenever he walks in on them about to kiss in not-so-private spots at ES — his chest aches with the knowledge that this should’ve been Kaname . It used to be Kaname. ** isn’t the only person who stole Kaname’s spot somewhere; Mayoi stole the one Kaname had in Tatsumi’s heart.
It feels like a spit in Kaname’s face whenever Tatsumi tries to strike up a conversation with HiMERU. These unspoken apologies, these remorseful eyes, these offers of friendship...they should be directed towards Kaname , not **. How little did Tatsumi care, if he seemingly can’t even tell the difference between his first love and an impersonator? Tatsumi pisses him off, but he’s weirdly kind to HiMERU even after everything that happened between them. HiMERU has to stick with being passive aggressive because Kaname would never cuss Tatsumi out, but he sure wishes he could take the less HiMERU-like option here.
** is never quite certain what to tell Kaname whenever he visits the hospital. He’ll talk about Crazy:B, telling him the things Kaname will need to know about them if he ever gets to take back his place as HiMERU, even though they both silently know it’s a hopeless dream. They’re Kaname’s friends from another lifetime, HiMERU’s companions who only know one half of the same person. They all care for HiMERU, but do they care for Kaname or **? This is the eternal question ** doesn’t think he’ll ever get an answer to; he doesn’t want an answer to it either.
Acceptance is terrifying. Acceptance of himself, acceptance of the things that happened, and acceptance from others are all things that show up in **’s nightmares. In his dreams, Crazy:B will call him by his real name and say they love him, and he’ll wake up in a cold sweat with a pounding headache. His own feelings don’t matter as much as preserving HiMERU’s legacy, but losing his own identity is still difficult to cope with. Things that should be comforting have become distressing, and vice versa. ** could never, should never, would never prioritize himself over HiMERU...but other people could do it for him.
They don’t need to know his real name or his past; they don’t even need to know his reasons for being HiMERU. Despite this, Crazy:B still embraces every version of HiMERU, even the one they don’t know. Whenever they manage to watch videos of the original HiMERU, Niki compliments him enthusiastically. The other two do so too, but if HiMERU glances at Rinne or Kohaku while they’re still staring at the screen, he’ll catch a glimpse of them making suspicious faces that imply they’ve figured something out. None of them ever say a word about the things they’ve realized, but there’s a silent mutual awareness that they all know he’s lying about something . That’s why it’s so weird that everyone treats him so...normally.
They shouldn’t show such kindness to someone they know is lying about his entire life; they shouldn’t blindly accept the persona of someone that they don’t even really know. But somehow, for some reason, this complication never gets brought up. Crazy:B are a strange blend of being extremely overly-familiar with each other and noticeably secretive at the same time. It’s a comfortable but delicate balance of closeness and secret-keeping. Everyone knows that they shouldn’t openly comment on how HiMERU talks differently than he did early in his career, or how he clearly has some kind of issue with Tatsumi. ** and HiMERU are both people who heavily value boundaries, so this is an intentional and appreciated dynamic.
It turns out that being HiMERU isn’t so bad, and neither is being **.
★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
On Kaname’s birthday, ** enters the hospital bathroom with a bag stuffed full of gifts. He’s embarrassed by his own reflection when he has to wipe a few cake crumbs off of his face at the last minute; Niki really is a good cook, maybe too good. Seriously, how did HiMERU let himself end up being such a slob? He picks a stray piece of confetti out of his hair and the vague realization that it seems to be getting longer flits across his mind. HiMERU might benefit from a minor image change; maybe he’ll hold off from cutting it again for a while.
The face staring back at him in the mirror is hard to recognize, warped and distorted from over a year of living as someone else. The glass is colder than his expression for once; today is an exciting day, and he feels more optimistic than usual. His genuine smile in the candid photos Rinne took at “HiMERU’s” birthday party almost makes him look just like Kaname — but when he studies his own features, he’s well aware that the HiMERU in the mirror is different from the original one. That’s not necessarily a problem anymore, though.
He washes HiMERU’s face, leaves the bathroom, and closes the door behind him. The walk to Kaname’s hospital room makes his stomach twist a little bit, but there’s always more enthusiasm in his steps than usual whenever he visits Kaname. He’s rarely had time to drop by as much as he wants to lately because Crazy:B have gotten too popular and busy. The presents he’s brought with him this time make him especially eager to see Kaname.
Kaname, the one person who sees him for what he truly is, greets him with a bright smile and sweet words. He almost throws himself onto his older brother, ** Tojou, and everything feels normal once again for a moment; HiMERU isn’t even part of the equation. Kaname’s hugs are so tight now — he’s definitely gotten his strength back as time has gone on. He grins so wide, already rambling away about something or other, and ** almost trips as he stumbles to get free of Kaname’s grasp to sit down. ** smooths his shirt out again — so much for making himself look presentable.
Kaname looks ready to leap out of bed, bouncing in his seat, and his vision instantly zones in on the gift bag ** brought with him. ** pulls little trinkets out of it one by one, each accompanied by ripped-open envelopes that he’s attempted to tape back shut. Crazy:B’s gifts all make Kaname’s golden eyes sparkle like jewels; he’s never met them, they’ve never met him, and both sides are only aware of each other through little stories and pre-recorded video clips — but to Kaname, Crazy:B are HiMERU’s precious friends. Whether he only thinks of Crazy:B as friends of the second HiMERU or the first one too is unclear.
Kaname’s smile fades into something more awkward as he has to ask ** to explain the context of certain presents or things mentioned in birthday cards. No matter how much HiMERU lives on through **, no matter how much ** tells Kaname, there will always be memories that only ** has with Crazy:B. Kaname can say he doesn’t mind, that he’s happy for **, that he wants the best for HiMERU — but anyone with eyes can tell that his heart aches from the circumstances he’s in.
These troublesome pains go away again once the presents are pushed to the side and a piece of cake is brought out. Loving sweets is one of the only things the Tojous have always had in common, a shared trait that they used to joke about being genetic. That’s definitely not just part of HiMERU’s persona. ** apologizes for opening the gifts and eating so much of the cake without him; Crazy:B insisted on seeing HiMERU’s reactions to the things they prepared for him at “his” party. Kaname shakes his apologies off and just expresses his gratitude for letting HiMERU have a good time — and for saving Kaname a piece of the cake. Eating Niki’s cooking is a rare opportunity for Kaname, but it always makes him feel a bit more connected to the unit he’s supposedly a part of.
"Super delicious,” Kaname and HiMERU both think.
** just sits there and watches his younger brother until Kaname finally pokes him back into reality. He holds out his plate, offering the rest of his cake to **, but is quickly politely rejected. Today is Kaname’s birthday, not **’s — it’s also HiMERU’s officially listed one, a clear indicator of who the name really belongs to. ** doesn’t need to share a birthday or backstory with HiMERU to be a part of him, though. Kaname is sure to emphasize that point, insisting on including him in the celebrations as much as possible.
** ponders why Crazy:B would do so much today for the HiMERU they know when there’s such an unspoken awareness that he’s not the real HiMERU; this mystery is one that’s hard even for him to solve. The immediate answer Kaname gives is “they care about you, dummy”, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. It’s not a conclusion ** would’ve ever come to himself, and Kaname’s response makes him remember the difference between the two Tojous. Socializing comes easily to Kaname, while ** has had to dedicate himself to honing these skills over time. Maybe Kaname really is the smarter sibling sometimes.
Not knowing everything, not understanding everything...this specific kind of helplessness is the worst, in **’s eyes. Kaname just takes his hands with a smile and promises that HiMERU will get to see the world for what it really is someday. The Tojous are once again each other’s true mirror images, a perfectly balanced equation, the two halves of HiMERU’s heart.
Being HiMERU doesn’t need to be suffocating; in some ways, it’s almost kind of freeing. ** being HiMERU lets Kaname escape his hellish CosPro contract, and it lets ** experience things he would have never experienced otherwise. There’s some unexpected joy to be found in being an idol; for one thing, if he never became HiMERU, he would’ve never met Crazy:B. He would’ve never gotten to see the kind of smile Kaname makes reading Kohaku’s card, eating Niki’s cake, or laughing over Rinne’s weird gifts. Crazy:B has damaged HiMERU’s reputation for sure, but it also keeps him relevant — and more than anything else, it keeps him happy. The red string tied around HiMERU’s throat, the one connected to both owners of the name, loosens just a little bit.
Seeing Kaname so strong and upbeat lightens the weight on HiMERU and **’s shoulders. ** has had to carry Kaname’s burdens for so long that he’s lost sight of his own. Kaname could surely return to a relatively normal life soon, but the question of what will happen next remains unspoken in their minds. Kaname logically shouldn’t return to idol activities after all that’s happened, but ** and these four white hospital walls can’t protect him from himself forever. The last time ** allowed Kaname to make his own decisions so freely is what led to both of them ending up in these circumstances in the first place; the idea of what the future of both Tojous holds is terrifying.
Kaname looks up from his gifts and snaps ** out of his overthinking by throwing him into another hug. It takes a monumental amount of effort to live in the present instead of the past or the future, but it’s a necessity. Kaname exclaims his gratitude for today, and for all of the days ** has spent as HiMERU. Then he makes one simple request, one birthday gift he wants from **.
“I wanna go on a walk together!”
★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★
The sky is clear, the sun is bright, and the jacket tied around **’s waist feels rather unnecessary with weather this nice. Kaname doesn’t need a wheelchair to get around anymore, but his steps are still a bit shaky sometimes and he clutches onto his brother’s arm to steady himself. There’s little reason for him to go outside when there’s nobody for him to be with, so he always insists on dragging ** around with him whenever possible. ** asks if there’s a specific reason why they went outside, despite being well-aware that there’s probably not.
“I just…” Kaname trails off, searching for the confidence in his voice before continuing. “I guess I just wanted HiMERU to feel some sunshine — both sides of him.” He laughs and runs his fingers through his hair, slightly shorter than **’s once more. “Pretty cheesy, huh? Ignore me, ignore me.”
“HiME…” ** trails off too, as similar to Kaname as ever; some habits are hard to break. “ I think it’s a nice thought. You can go out any time, though, as long as the nurses allow it.”
Kaname is silent for a moment and ** wonders if he said something wrong — until he hears a clicking noise. “I can’t do this when I’m alone, though~!”
Kaname turns the phone screen to him and shows off a new photo. ** Tojou has the same body as HiMERU, but he still exists as his own person, and this shows in photos taken from Kaname’s viewpoint. Kaname sees ** Tojou when he looks at him, not just HiMERU.
“You need to warn me before you start doing things like that.”
“Nahhh, it’s fine!” Kaname zooms in on the picture, stopping in place. He holds the phone up in the air, staring up at it with wide eyes and a wider grin. “All those magazines would love this kinda thing! An un-idol-like side of HiMERU! Even top idols have personal lives! How intimately private — that’s mega juicy gossip material!”
** smiles a little, puzzled once more by his brother's constantly confusing behavior. He understands Kaname less well than he used to think he does. “People don’t care about that sort of thing. What a strange thing to say.”
Kaname sits on a nearby bench, muttering something about needing to rest his legs, and ** takes a seat next to him. Kaname taps away at **’s phone that he’s borrowing, swiping through pictures until he settles on one he particularly likes. “But isn’t Crazy:B’s whole appeal that they’re more real than other idols? They’re casual and honest, and that’s what people like about them!”
He points the screen ** again, gesturing at a picture of Crazy:B taken only a few hours prior at HiMERU’s birthday party. They’re all a mess, their offstage selves and onstage selves more similar than people would expect from most idols, but that’s the exact thing Crazy:B fans are there for. Kaname stares fondly at the picture of his precious people he only vaguely knows, his features soft. There’s a hint of deeper feelings in his downward gaze, some kind of unspoken longing, but his voice is nothing but light when he speaks again. Whether this peacefulness is manufactured or not is hard to tell, even for **. He’s long learned by now that he’ll never fully understand his younger brother, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
“I’d really like to meet them someday, y’know.”
Images of what that would even be like flash through **’s mind. Would they understand why I’ve kept such a big secret from them for so long? Of course they would; it’s something he’s all but outright stated at this point. Would they get along with Kaname? There’s no reason why they wouldn’t — he is the social butterfly Tojou, after all.
Would they still want me around afterwards?
This is a trickier topic; matters of the heart aren’t as simple to analyze as ** assumed a long time ago, back when he refused to listen to his own. Now though, his heart tells him that he would still have a place in Crazy:B’s lives somehow, even if they met Kaname someday — and he’s inclined to believe it.
HiMERU is a name with many meanings; it belongs to two owners, two lives, and perhaps two identities too. Kaname’s HiMERU and **’s HiMERU are one in the same, but also distinctly separate as well — lines blur between their red threads, but never fully cross. Both of the name’s owners have their own meanings for it, and both are interpretations that are core to who HiMERU is; the two Tojous have to coexist together as the core and soul of HiMERU.
Kaname is a boy with too much love to spare, while ** is one who never dares to allow any of it to reach him. Kaname has been hurt so horribly, but still craves affection despite it all; if he can still be willing to try, so should **. If there’s one thing that Crazy:B have taught **, it’s that he has the ability to let love in — from them, from Kaname, and from himself. Whether he chooses to let it happen, though, is up to him.
This time, ** faces forward with a smile and makes his choice — the choice for both sides of HiMERU, the original owner of the name and the person currently behind the mask.
“I’m sure they’d all love to meet the real HiMERU someday too.”