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“I think I’m done with being in charge,” Ren admits one night, showmanship crumbling as the moon sets. His shoulders slump and Lizzie watches as her knight rubs a hand over the back of his neck with a resigned sort of shell shock, like he’s lost something he never thought he’d lose and won’t get it back.
She waits a moment for him to elaborate, and when his silence continues, she asks with a morbid curiosity that seemed to settle into her bones the moment she woke up in this world, “What do you mean? Weren’t you alone before this alliance?” Something like realization flashes across Ren’s face.
“Right. You weren’t around for it.” His tone is curt, and jealousy seeps into his voice whether he means to sound upset or not. She crosses her arms defensively.
“No, and no one will even tell me what ‘it’ means! It’s not like I’ve got much to work with here.” She frowns, and some otherworldly cunning that feels far too close to the curse settles uncomfortably in her gut. “It just feels like you don’t trust me like you promised you would, Ren.”
He sighs and sits down, motioning for her to sit next to him with his left hand. “This… isn’t the first predicament I’ve found myself in, Shadowlady. I made a lot of mistakes- far too many to name.” He looks vacantly at the night sky, like he’s picturing a scene in front of him that’s no longer there. “My biggest mistake was not protecting my people. He relied on me just as much as I relied on him, and I failed. Maybe… oh, I don’t know. Maybe I can protect you as your knight instead. I don’t think I’m very good at being a figurehead.” He laughs bitterly, once again reaching for his neck. It’s an odd habit to have, she muses, and an awful tell.
He’s right, she thinks. He’d be a terrible leader. He was unsure and weary, and despite his posturing, very, very alone. If he’d been king, would he have done everything it took to protect his people? Maybe. But she can’t imagine the hermit killing, regardless of his unending loyalty. He was yet to feel that bloodlust, the stone that gets caught in your throat and the never ending pit that pulls at your stomach. He would eventually. Turning red or getting cursed was an inevitability in a place like this.
“Maybe not.” She sits, looking up at the waning moon. The skies are clear tonight. She glances over at Ren, who’s staring at the grass like it holds the answers to his questions. “But I don’t think anyone needs to be a figurehead. We’ve got each other, at least for now.”
He laughs, keeping his eyes on the grass. “For now. Of course.” Lizzie feels very out of her depth. Ren has secrets. They all do. But Ren is terrified of Scar, and Ren runs several degrees colder than she thinks is normal, and Ren looks to the South sometimes from his watchtower and waits for something she’ll never be able to grasp. All she can do is smile and nod sadly.
“We can’t pretend that things will be okay all of the time, Ren. I mean…” She gestures vaguely north, taking note of the thin strip of pale skin on her ring finger, barely noticeable in the moonlight. “Nothing lasts forever here.” She’s not exactly sure what to say. The paranoia the world instilled in a person felt like a part of her now. Hiding armor, building walls, waiting for the fight to come- and eventually, becoming the fight itself. It was how things worked.
He shakes his head. “No, I know that. Trust me,” he scoffs, still bitter sounding, “I know. I just… there are people I don’t think I’m ever getting back completely. And even though I thought I had come to terms with that... well. Clearly I didn’t. I thought he was gone forever, but… Lizzie.” He looks up, making eye contact behind his sunglasses. “He’s not gone, and neither am I. That hurts more than dying ever could.”
It hits a little too close to home. She remembers waking up months ago and realizing Joel had disappeared, coming to terms with losing a part of herself. Just when she had given up hope, he came back, and nothing about him was the same. He had that look in his eyes that she thinks she can see in Ren’s, that she thinks she’s starting to see in her own reflection. He was haunted by something he wouldn’t even tell her about. She could manage that, no matter how scared it made her feel. They could come back from fear. But now… her gaze flickers North again. She thinks of red eyes and insatiable hunger and just how lonely he must be all alone. She thinks of driving her sword through Pearl, her friend, and wonders if Joel would one day come for her with that same fervor and succeed. Wonders if Joel would come home ever again.
“Do you miss him?” She finds herself asking before she can stop herself. “Do you think he doesn’t miss you the same way?” Ren flinches, and she knows she’s struck a nerve.
“Well…” He hesitates. “It’s not that exactly. He just… has a better group of friends now. I can’t give him anything to make up for my failures.”
“Ren,” she continues. “Did you try your best? The first time, I mean.”
“Of course. What kind of question is that?” He sounds offended and confused.
She sighs. “No one can protect anyone from harm forever. We do what we can, and that’s all we can ask of ourselves. You tried, Ren. That’s all you could have done. If he’s smart… he’ll know that. And if he doesn’t? We’ll kill him!” She’s joking, but the horror on Ren’s face makes her quickly backtrack. Maybe not the best joke to make in their current situation. “Oh, no, no- we don’t- not actually. Sorry.”
Ren laughs slightly. “It’s alright. This world was meant to be a blank slate, supposedly. I just keep forgetting. I…” He laughs again, rubbing his neck. “I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m a bit dramatic.”
She joins in on the laughter. “It’s charming in a way, don’t worry.”
Ren smiles, softer this time. “Thanks, m’Shadowlady. I think I’ll go back to my watchpost now. The Boogeyman’ll be chosen in the morning, ought to make sure no one is scouting the land.” He stands, nodding to himself.
She watches him stand, his shoulders still hunched as if he’s carrying the weight of the world on his back. “Ren. You’re a good guy. I’m not one to tell you whether or not that’s a positive in a world like this, but… what I can say is that you’re doing something right. Whoever you’re missing, maybe you should talk to him. Before it’s too late.”
“Goodnight, Lizzie.” He exits the circle before she can respond, and she hopes he listens to her advice. The Shadow Queen stands, brushing off her armor. The forest is safe for the night. Her allies are safe for the night. That is all that matters now.