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“You’re an idiot.”
That wasn’t the first thing that Dick Grayson usually wanted to hear when he woke up, but he couldn’t help a smile spreading across his face. He hadn’t fully expected to wake up.
“It’s nice to see you too, Kaldur’ahm.”
Kaldur responded only by grunting tersely and tightening the bandage he was winding around Dick’s thigh. Dick felt a stab of pain and sucked in a quick breath. It must have been close if Kaldur was channelling Artemis this much. It took a lot of stress to make the older hero act anything but polite, or at least, that was how he remembered it. He took advantage of the silence for a minute to take stock of his surroundings. He was still in his warehouse, but it looked like Kaldur had carried him to one of the cots. The air was a little chilled, with an aftertaste of copper and sea salt. It felt like it was still night, but he couldn’t see a clock.
“How long was I out for?”
The Atlantean finished tying up the white cloth and sighed. For a second it seemed like he wasn’t going to answer.
“Only an hour. After you called it took me about ten minutes to get from the nearest zeta tube. By the time I got here you were already unconscious on the floor.” He paused, and his tone softened. The little rumple between his eyebrows faded into smooth skin. “Dick, what happened?”
Dick let his eyes drift away from Kaldur’s face, feeling a little woozy. He was hooked up to a heartrate monitor, and from the looks of it he’d also had a full blood bag dripped into his arm (though the IV had since been removed). His body felt achy and a little worn out, but ignoring the part of his thigh the bullet had entered he didn’t feel especially bruised or broken. He had been exceptionally lucky for more than a few minutes. Until he wasn’t.
His leg itself was fairly numb, though underneath the blanket of white-noise-feeling there was a deep thrumming of pain. Localised anesthetic, Batman’s favorite. Left the patient functioning physically and mentally just like normal for the most part, which in this case probably meant still able to have awkward conversations about bad decisions. Hooray.
“Just some goons who got lucky. I got reports of a bank robbery, but when I showed up they were way too well armed for the usual thugs. Looked like Luther tech. Anyways, took care of most of them, but one of them got a shot in before I knocked him out. So I put a tracker on their car and came back here… I must have lost more blood than I thought, though.” He looked back at Kaldur, who was listening intently. “Thanks for coming, man. I was not exactly feeling the aster.”
Kaldur stood up and walked to the sink in the corner of the room. Dick could hear the sound of water. Washing my blood off his hands, he realised. The reality of the situation sunk its teeth in a little deeper. He had almost died. He felt a prickling beneath his skin, and felt suddenly cold and clammy. He took a few deeper breaths, feeling his body react to his commands. Feeling his muscles contract and expand smoothly, if with a little pain. He noticed a strangely free feeling, and realised he wasn’t wearing his suit anymore. The grating noise of steel on concrete broke through his reverie. Kaldur had returned to his side, and was pulling up a stool.
“Of course I came… But why wait so long to call? Why not ask for backup when you arrived?” Kaldur looked directly into his eyes, and Dick really wished he was still wearing his domino mask. Or at least his shades. He pulled himself up slightly on the bed with one arm, and immediately regretted reigniting the pain in his leg.
“Didn’t get a chance to. Besides, I thought I could handle it. Like I said, it was just some goon who got lucky.” That wasn’t entirely true, but it was close enough.
“Then why get all the way back to your warehouse on an injured leg before calling?”
“Communicator got lost in the fight. There was a lot of metal flying around, and it ended up getting hit.” That was actually completely true.
“It seems to me that your communicator must get damaged quite often from the amount of half-healed injuries I saw on your body.” Kaldur spoke quickly, then looked slightly repentant. “You must understand, you don’t talk to anyone for months, and out of the blue you call me because you’ve been shot. I am… concerned. It’s been almost six months since you took your leave of absence.” He rubbed his hand down his face. “You know that our job is… safer… when we act together.”
Dick really wished that it hadn’t been his leg that had been injured. You always underestimate how nice it is to be able to walk away from conversations like this when you’re able to.
“Dude, as mentioned, I had a bullet in me not too long ago. I appreciate the concern- and the emergency surgery- but I am not quite traught enough for the third degree right now.” He tried to make the words casual, but his tone had a slightly-too-sharp undertone too it.
“Yes.” Kaldur took a shuddering intake of breath, and his body steadied. There was definitely something a little off, a little too tense about him today. “Yes, I understand. I too am obviously not fully myself. I apologise.”
“Aww, you were worried about me.” The words bubbled out of Dick’s mouth in a sing-song tone before he could stop them. Nice try at being funny, that’s really appropriate right now. To his surprise, Kaldur actually seemed to relax.
“The bullet was too deep for my tastes. You were lucky I got here in time.” The words were serious, but the tension that had hung between the two dissipated at them. Wounds were just a part of kicking ass and taking names, which is to say day-to-day hero business. “Speaking of which, I should have the team look into these weapons. If they are indeed powerful enough to do this damage through your suit, then we must discover the distributor. You said they looked like Luther tech?”
“Yeah. I can put together a report for you.” For now, the question of him returning seemed to be set aside. “And uh, on the subject of my suit- where is it?”
Aqualad seemed to flush slightly, but that could be a stress induced hallucination. After all, they’d seen each other shirtless before, and honestly it wasn’t like their outfits really hid that much to begin with.
“I had to remove it. To uncover the wound for cleaning. It’s safe, I put it in the closet over there. It should be fairly easy to repair, the hole was quite clean.” He paused, slightly awkwardly. “I found some clothes here. I thought you would feel more comfortable… in them.”
Well, that was in no way an uncharacteristically weird response. Unbidden, a few highly inappropriate responses sprung to his mind, as well as a desire to see if Kaldur actually was blushing and if he could augment that. Those thoughts, though, brought a far too vivid image of a certain red-haired speedster to mind. That brought him crashing hard back to reality.
“Perfect, thanks,” he ended up responding. Now you’re the one sounding weird. “So, how’s the team doing?” A thought struck him. “I didn’t call while you were on duty or anything, did I?”
“No, I had the night off. I was in bed when your call came.”
Whoops. He hadn’t thought deeply before calling Kaldur. Everything had been turning blurry and dangerously red, and once Batman was off the list (as he had been for a while now), it had just been his first instinct.
“Sorry about that.”
“It is no problem. As for the team, they’re performing as impressively as ever. Though it has taken time to build our cooperative powers back. It was hard for a while after Wally’s death.” Dick couldn’t help but notice the smallest pause before Kaldur said Wally’s name. “It took a long time to fully accept that he was gone. Especially with all else that was revealed to them not so long before.”
“Artemis being alive, you not having killed her?”
“Yes. I believe Black Canary referred to it as ‘emotional whiplash’. I suspect a few are still half dreaming this will all turn out to be an elaborate ruse to undermine the Light again, or that he is by some miracle still alive. At least with Jason, there could be no question.”
Dick couldn’t stop his flinch at the mention of the second Robin, but played it off as a wince of pain. Recently, that incident had been all too close to the surface of his mind. Things he’d thought he’d dealt with long ago were now floating around like bloated crocodiles, striking out of the murk.
“It’s been six months. If there was any hope, the scientists would have found it by now.”
I would have found it by now.
He would never admit it to anyone, but investigating Wally’s death had been his original reason for leaving the team. False hope was a dangerous thing, and he wouldn’t wish it on any of his friends; but in the back of his mind, he had this feeling. This feeling that the one and only Kid Flash (sorry, Bart) wouldn’t just disappear into a cloud of energy like that. That he wasn’t gone. That he couldn’t be. He knew it wasn’t healthy, and that it would sound a lot like denial to a psychologist, but he had a hunch. And he was a detective after all.
Dick had spent weeks leaving all his other commitments neglected and near forsaken. He had learnt science that had been too convoluted for him to even attempt to understand, slept less than a few hours a night, and had done some very ethically dubious things in order to access online servers of a… sensitive kind. It got him nowhere substantial. All he did was open more doors, and create more questions. He ate less, worked more, lowered his moral inhibitions at first incrementally and then by leaps, but the science was just too unknown. Too theoretical. He had even gone as far as to question a few of Luther’s scientists (disguised, of course), but from the sounds of it even they didn’t really understand what they had helped stop.
Nothing was tangible evidence, everything was pseudo-scientific and vague. Not only could he not prove Wally was alive, he couldn’t prove he was dead. The investigation didn’t end, it just trailed off into a thousand loose ends. At this point he could hear the psychologist voice telling him he needed closure. But he didn’t need closure. He needed some advice from his best friend. A friend he was secretly terrified had died angry at him.
In response to the dark places those thoughts lead to, he poured himself into his other work. The busier he was, the less he would stay up at night going through a million possibilities in his head, like a pit of snakes turning over and over one another.
Then he went and got himself shot.
“I’m sorry, I should not have brought up Wally. I know you were close.”
Dick shook his head, feeling slightly bad for the guilty note in Kaldur’s voice. There was an almost pained look in his clear, pale eyes that Dick did not like to see there.
“No, don’t worry about it. It can’t have been easy to lead the team through everything. I’m sorry I left you to deal with it.”
It was Kaldur’s turn to shake his head.
“You stayed for as long as you could. I understand that. Besides, I have had Batgirl to help me. She has been an immeasurable help. And… perhaps it was better. To have two leaders at once may have caused… division. Especially with the damaged trust towards me.”
“Towards me as well, I suspect.”
Kaldur’s brow furrowed.
“Perhaps. Our scheme was not without its fallout. I often wonder if it was truly the correct path. But the time for such worries is long past.”
“I understand those thoughts.” Better than you know. Or at least better than I want to tell you.
One of those heavy silences, laden with implication, fell across the warehouse for a few moments. Dick briefly considered asking something else, to break the somber mood. But it was kind of nice to share a little of someone’s emotional space. It didn’t feel awkward with Kaldur, not the way it was with the others. Perhaps it was because in the year when they had lied to everyone, the two of them had always been in on it together. Or perhaps it was just Kaldur’s manner. He never made Dick feel like he was hurrying him, or pushing and prodding him. He was firm, but he wasn’t… it was hard to know what words to use.
Whatever it was, it always had a stillness, a sense of contemplation and respect. Dick had come to appreciate that more and more.
Before the silence had time to really settle in, Dick broke it by trying to move his arm.
“Oh khul-“ The rest of his exclamation was cut off by his breath hissing through his teeth, as pain overtook the ‘forming language’ part of his brain. Red stars clouded over his vision, then slowing dissipated, revealing Kaldur’s alarmed face.
“What is it?”
“I just felt something pop. In my shoulder. Oh man that does not feel good. I must had messed it up coming back here.”
Without waiting for permission, Kaldur removed the pulse monitor, then reached down and began carefully probing the damaged area with a practiced hands. He was gentle, but firm, as he kneaded the muscles. Dick tried to focus on his breathing, to control his body like he’d been taught. Bruce would have told him off for swearing like that, even if it wasn’t English. He was distracted by the coolness of Kaldur’s touch. It was an odd feeling, to be lying there silent while someone else figures out how you work, and how you’ve been damaged, all with their fingertips. If it he didn’t hurt so much, Dick figured he would probably be enjoying this.
Kaldur gently tried to lift Dick’s arm, with one hand still resting on the shoulder. A small hiss escaped the younger man’s locked jaw, and he immediately stopped and lowered the arm back to the sterile bedspread.
“It looks like you dislocated it. I must have missed it, I did not have time for a full check-up earlier-“
“Given that you were a little distracted by the whole ‘bullet wound’ thing?”
“Precisely.”
“Well, I guess you’re going to have to pop it back in.” Kaldur did not look whelmed by this prospect, something that Dick appreciated. “It’s not that hard, I’ve had to do it once or twice before.”
“Yes, but perhaps it would be better to return to the Watchtower. Your shoulder aside, you should have a professional examine you. I kept you here because I was afraid of moving you, but now that you’re conscious, it may be safer to leave.”
Dick’s heart squeezed a little. Going back to the Watchtower injured and needing help, like a kid who tries run away from home and comes racing back when he skins his knee, did not sound good to him. When he saw Bruce again he wanted it to be on his terms.
“My warehouse is perfectly well equipped. Plus, between the two of us we probably have more experience with battlefield injuries than most World War Two trauma surgeons.” He tried a cocky grin to accompany this, with mixed results. “Plus, how are you going to get me to the zeta tube? Carry me bridal style while trying to dodge muggers?” Or we could take my bike, which I am just going to hope you have written off as equally impractical.
Kaldur sighed, and looked at Dick intently. Dick didn’t know what he was looking for, but his pale eyes seemed to be peeling back Dick’s skin and exposing the workings below. An odd tingling rush flowed down the acrobat’s body, like an avalanche of icy pins and needles.
“Very well. Can you sit up? It will be easier for me to relocate it from that position.”
Between the two of them they managed to shift Dick to a sitting position on the edge of the cot.
“And… do you mind if I remove your shirt? I have only done this for an Atlantean before, and the physiology is slightly different… it would help me see.”
No, I don’t think I would mind that at all. A memory of red and yellow. Dick tightened his jaw.
“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”
After a little more fuss, they managed to get into position; Kaldur sat beside Dick, holding the damaged arm beside his body with the elbow at a ninety degree angle. As they arranged this, they talked more than usual. Kaldur even laughed at him for how creepy it was that he had bags of his own blood in a fridge, while Dick pointed out that it had come in handy for preventing blood loss, and also that he would be able to distract vampires.
As he said this, he felt a little giddy. The aftershocks of pain and adrenaline were hitting him, as well as the effects of his proximity to Kaldur. This was, in a strange way, more physical intimacy than he’d had with someone else in a long time, apart from the odd one night stand. Between his quest for information on Wally, entering the Police Academy and his more off-the-books crime fighting activities, he hadn’t had the time for someone else. He hadn’t really wanted anyone either. The more he talked to someone, the more time he had to spend worrying about finding them dead in a pool of blood someday.
That’s not to say that it was only being starved of contact that was making his skin prickle now. Ever since he’d become aware that he was attracted to men in the same way he was to women, only a few years ago, he’d also been aware that Kaldur was objectively, well, attractive. It wasn’t like he had a crush or anything so serious, but nether-the-less, he was… aware. And he kept a tight lid on that fact.
The actual relocation was surprisingly painless. It was just a little nudging feeling, and then all of a sudden his shoulder felt right again. Pop. As easy as that. If only everything else were that simple.
“How does it feel?”
“It feels great, doc.” Dick gave an experimental shoulder roll. It felt like there was a static field between him and Kaldur, and when his motion brought them slightly closer it hummed. He wet his suddenly dry lips slightly. Pull yourself together, you’re not a hormone addled sixteen year old anymore. “Do I get a lollipop from the receptionist for being a good boy?”
Kaldur ignored his question.
“You should lie back down and get some rest. Now that it looks like you’re doing better, I should get help from someone who knows what they’re doing. If you won’t go back to the Watchtower,” he continued a little louder, as Dick tried to place a reasonable protest, “then I should at least contact one of the physicians who works with the League, and get them to zeta down here.”
Dick sighed, but acquiesced eventually. He couldn’t really think of a good reason to justify his desire to return to his apartment, take a few shots, and sleep it off. At least he wasn’t threatening to take him to a hospital, where he would have to worry endlessly about press and well-meaning visitors.
He lay back down in bed by himself, instead of letting Kaldur help him (to try to prove his good health), but he regretted it as soon as his leg started pulsing with a new pain. Kaldur, who had been on the phone, returned back to his side.
“The doctor will be here soon, hopefully in less than fifteen minutes.”
“At which point you can get back to what’s left of your sleep?” The words kind of slipped out of Dick’s mouth, and he had a suspicion they sounded just a little too fragile too be funny. “The whole medical emergency thing must have been tiring. I totally owe you one.” He amended.
Kaldur leaned forward and placed one of his hands on Dick’s forearm, and looked searchingly into his blue eyes. Dick tried to break their gazes, but he couldn’t, and all of a sudden he was very aware of how exposed he was. When Kaldur spoke, his voice was serious and quiet.
“I can stay, if you’d like.”
Dick was tempted for a minute to say yes. To say yes, and start crying, and tell him all of his dark thoughts, and worries, and secrets. Then, to pull Kaldur down and kiss his cool, full lips, and…
He stopped himself there.
“No, don’t worry about it, I’m totally whelmed. The warehouse has actually become quite ware-homey -recently.” The words were a feat of nonchalance, especially given the faintly creepy echo the warehouse gave them.
Kaldur’s eyes dimmed a little bit, and for a split second he looked disappointed, before his features reasserted their mask of patient compassion.
“Of course, as you wish.”
He made to stand up, and all of a sudden Dick didn’t want him to go. This time he was the one who reached out, his hand on Kaldur’s dark, toned forearm.
“Wait.” Kaldur stopped, and turned to meet his eyes. For a second Dick’s mind blanked out, then sputtered to life again. “You never told me why I was an idiot.”
Kaldur’s eyebrows collided back together, forming a little furrow between them. His lips parted slightly, but he didn’t say anything, so Dick continued.
“You know, when I woke up. You never told me why I was an idiot.”
For a second Kaldur looked like he was going to laugh it off, but he didn’t. Instead, he sat back down, and leaned back in.
“Do you really want to know?”
Dick realised that he was asking a lot more than just whether or not Dick wanted to hear. He was asking whether or not he was going to listen. Dick paused, then nodded.
“Yeah, I do.” He pulled himself up a bit in the cot.
For a second Kaldur looked unsure of himself, as though he wasn’t going to say anything, but then he spoke. Slowly at first, but with feeling.
“You’re an idiot because you’re trying to do this alone. This job is hard, and recently it has become… harder. Heavy decisions with heavy burden had to be made. But the only way we survive is when we lean on each other. All of us. I do not believe you realise how much I have leaned on you. When I was undercover beside Black Manta, I felt lost in darkness at many times. I was prepared, but nothing can soften the blow of everyone thinking that you are a traitor. My king, my friends, my teammates, all looking at me with such pity and anger. I admit it… hurt that it was easier to convince my allies than those we fought against that I was capable of such evil.
“But throughout that, you were by my side. We weren’t often able to communicate, but when we did you helped remind me that there was still light in the world. You trusted and supported me implicitly, regardless of what I had to do. Your presence was… invaluable. To say the least. We have always been friends, but as we have grown older and have shared leadership, I felt that we had become… closer. We have shared experiences it is hard for others to understand, and I thought it had created a bond between us. I care about you, very much, and I have grown to…” A slight pause. “So when I see you separate yourself from everyone else, and go off taking riskier and riskier missions I only hear about later, it makes me wish you understood that you could lean on me.
“Then when I got your call, and I came… You were on the floor, and I could not see where the blood was coming from. I thought, at first, that I was too late. I cannot lose another person I care for. Not like this. Not you.”
He finished with his hands curled into fists on his knees, all of a sudden more vulnerable than Dick had seen him before. Before he even realised it, Dick was talking.
“But I wasn’t there for you. Not when it mattered. Not when my plans, and my secrets, got you into a coma and M’gann traumatised. Just like how they broke the team’s trust, and drove a wedge between Artemis and Wally.”
“Dick, that was not your fault. We knew there would be risks. I knew there would be risks.”
Dick felt a flare of hot emotion lick the inside of his ribcage.
“But it was my job to plan for them. It was my job to know what was going to happen.” His voice felt rough coming out his throat, like a heavy object being forced over gravel. “I hate it. I hate controlling for everything, and questioning everything, and never really trusting anyone. But I’m good at it, and I’ve been well trained. And it’s my job. But I screwed up, and I hurt people.” He was stiff in the cot now, all his muscles tense and feeling like they were on fire. “I hurt Wally.”
“His death- is that what this is about?”
Dick sighed and lifted one arm up and over his face. It made it kind of easier, not looking at Kaldur’s face directly.
“Wally was always the one who helped me remember who I was. After my parents died, and I took on Robin’s mantle, he was the first real friend I made. After living with Batman, you can imagine that he was a bit of a change. He reminded me of the circus, and how to laugh. Whenever I get too serious, or hide too much, he always- he used to always call me out on it. He once told me a friend’s job is to question your objectivity. When I became Nightwing, he supported me. Times when I didn’t want to talk, we would just play video games. After Jason died, and I went off the rails a bit, he helped me get back on them.
“But we fought. A lot. We made… different choices, as we got older, and he didn’t always approve of mine. When Artemis was undercover, and he was helping her mother put flowers on her grave, that was hard for him. And he blamed me, at least a little. Then, after that was over, everything was happening so fast. And then he was gone. And we never got a chance to… I never said sorry or anything. Not properly.”
When he removed his forearm from across his eyes, they were shiny, and he rubbed his face. Eighteen year old superheroes, especially ones raised by Batman, don’t cry. Brooding is the only acceptable form of emotional display in Bat-culture, though Alfred disliked it. He felt Kaldur’s touch on his shoulder, and though he couldn’t meet his eyes (largely for fear he would break down entirely), it was comforting. He placed his hand on top of the one Kaldur had put on his shoulder. He didn’t know why he did it, but it felt right. They paused like that for a moment.
“Dick, I may be crossing a line, but it seems to me that you need someone else in your life. Someone who is not a part of your family.”
“You mean my Bat-family?” The feeling of comfort had brought Dick’s sense of humour back. He was rewarded by a twitch in Kaldur’s lip.
“Yes, I suppose I do. Not someone to replace Wally, no one could replace him. But something… different. Someone different.” His voice was hesitant, but all of a sudden Dick felt the static field re-ignite between the two of them. He realised they were holding hands, and his palms prickled.
“Are you volunteering to be that someone?” Dick asked, keeping his expression neutral.
“If you would like, yes.” Kaldur’s eyelashes fluttered before he met Dick’s eyes, and all of a sudden Dick understood what the phrase ‘butterflies in the stomach’ was actually supposed to feel like.
“I would… like that.” He felt Kaldur’s hand tighten around his. “Not like with Wally, but… something different.” It felt like an insinuation, but he wasn’t sure what he was insinuating.
“Something different.” Kaldur repeated, and they were very close together now.
All of a sudden, like it was nothing at all, Dick lifted his body upwards and pressed his lips into Kaldur’s. They were cool, like Kaldur’s hands were, and soft. It wasn’t really anything, just a light brush. They had been so close, he hadn’t had to move far, and he retracted as soon as he did it. It was just a second. But it sent a tsunami of tingles through his body, where they crashed like waves over each other all the way to his fingertips.
As soon as they’d broken contact, Dick’s heart kicked up through several gears. It was so loud in his eardrums, pounding like the drums of the apocalypse, and for a second that was all he could hear. Then his thoughts began, starting with what in the name of justice have I just done, and ending with the Fortress of Solitude is probably nice around this time of year.
He wet his lips to start apologising, not even sure how to begin to address the issue, and raised his eyes to meet Kaldur’s gaze.
They would never be able to say who it was who made the first move at that point, because then they were kissing. It felt like there was a fire, all of a sudden. Like one of the sparks coming off their bodies had come alight, and now they were blazing, and, oh my, Kaldur’s tongue swiped across his lower lip, asking for access. He parted his lips almost on reflex, and raised his hands to the back of Kaldur’s head to pull him closer. Now the kiss was deeper, more intimate, and he felt himself being pulled into Kaldur’s broad chest. It was slightly salty, like the ocean, and Dick decided he liked the taste. His mouth hungry, he swirled his tongue around Kaldur’s lower lip, feeling just the barest hint of teeth.
“Um, hello? I can come back later.”
With the harsh, shattering noise of a reality check, suddenly he was lying shirtless in a warehouse with a bullet in his thigh, making out with his team leader like a high school kid. Not to mention being watched by a justice league doctor who’d probably just found her gossip item of the week- or more likely, the month.
And yet, despite that, he was starting to think that maybe everything really was going to be okay.