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Ever since Xingqiu was young he's learned how to become very independent.
Maybe it was because he despised seeing how his family was suffering before and didn't want to cause them any more trouble than what they were facing already. The Feiyun commerce guild wasn't as known and thriving as before than it is now, he vividly remembers the way her mother secretly broke down in the comfort of their father's arms in their office once he was going to call out to them for dinner, the smile on his face vanished in an instant and his heart turned heavy. Despite knowing that he was a kid and knew it's not supposed to be his responsibility, how was he supposed to turn a blind eye knowing everything was going downhill despite their family desperately trying to keep everything together?
Maybe it was because he'd told himself that asking for help is a sign of defeat and Xingqiu never wanted to admit defeat no matter the danger or the cost. He was always determined, never backing down from any type of challenge. So he taught himself to know about everything and anything there is to know, understand even from the smallest detail. It was how he'd gotten a title from the people of Liyue and not only known as the second son of the Feiyun.
But no matter the reason, old habits die hard.
Even though everything was going quite smoothly. Their guild is now known throughout the lands in Teyvat and their parents would always spoil them, even take them out once in a while in Liyue harbor once they're finished doing their work for the business. And family stuff out of the way, the friends he's had since childhood were absolutely wonderful. He'd pluck the stars out of the night sky and give them whatever they needed just to keep them happy because that's what they did for him, they kept him happy and content with this cruel cruel world they were living in.
Though he does not favor being biased, he does have a very soft spot for his best friend Chongyun.
How could he not when he really made living more bearable than it should be. He adored the moments when they were young, Xingqiu would still be seen always holding a book before but he remembers the way Chongyun would read to him once in a while and it became their small little thing. Just for the two of them.
Even if he was suffering and keeping things to himself. Chongyun would look at him with eyes that turned tender and soft, offer him a smile and a hug that radiated his warmth. Always staying beside him with that comforting aura he held.
Growing older was a pain and despite having mastered the art of holding up a facade, it made him surprised how Chongyun would always recognize if he needed someone.
But he didn't pry for it would only open multiple conversations and he didn't know whether or not he wanted to talk about feelings and emotions.
And it's okay because he has no plans of doing so.
He would rather talk about books and other light-hearted interests. The only person he wanted to talk about minor family problems with was his older brother and that's as far as he could go because he knew that he would understand.
He admired his older brother a lot if he was being honest.
They were two sides of the same coin but it always amused him how his gege was more soft spoken and blended well with the crowds. Not that Xingqiu can't do that but he preferred his own space and really only mingled with people if they needed to connect for business, he was disinterested on any topic they would talk about. However his brother would always be interested, talking to them about certain things and actually contributing something to the conversation.
And just as his mind was always organized and clean, that reflected with the way he would handle his life.
They were opposites one way or another but it was nice that they were close and would always be there for one another. He supported him every step of the way.
He was there too whenever he needed help after a day of pretending that he was okay even though he never asked for it. His brother had his back every step of the way and didn't mind that he'd escape the house once in a while for matters that are far more important to Xingqiu. His brother understood him the most that he never really wanted to take part of the guild despite being a very great asset to it, they could easily have advantage to it if Xingqiu had managed the guild more often than not. But his brother let him be, let him go.
But more than that, he was and will always be thankful that his brother let him have fun in his youth, a youth that his brother never got to have.
So when his brother had approached him one evening after he had successfully escaped the household to be with his friends and reached his room without any trouble, he couldn't say that he wasn't worried about what he was going to say.
Thousands, millions of possibilities were marching around in his head when he heard a simple knock on his door and a familiar voice speak.
"Come in." He said calmly despite the thoughts in his head. "
As the door opened he was preparing to hear some sort of bad news.
"Can I tell you something?"
His heart pounded. Was the guild performance horrible?
"Yes of course brother."
He waited.
And waited.
Until his brother finally spoke up again.
"I have found myself a fair maiden." He let out a sigh of relief once he heard the news.
Out of all the possibilities. Xingqiu did NOT expect that but he was happy for his brother nonetheless.
"Please say it quickly next time and quit with the suspense for I thought something terrible had happened when I was gone." His brother let out a laugh, both of them seemed to relax with such simple words. "Congratulations though, you know I'll support you anyway."
"Thank you Xingqiu."
"You can tell me all about her tomorrow for it seems you're excited but-" He stood up from where he sat in the bed and lightly pushed his brother back to the door. "-this second son of the Feiyun needs his well deserved rest and doesn't have the stomach to tolerate someone who's lovesick."
His older brother laughed at his antics and patted him in the head before he opened the door and said his goodnight.
But as day goes by, he may or may not have underestimated how sickly in love his brother actually is.
To the point that he asked Xingqiu for ways that he, his brother, the one who's more known and capable of being responsible out of the two of them, would be able to silently sneak out of the house and return back to his room without walking past the maids or the guards that would once in a while patrol inside the house because their father wanted them to be safe. He laughed at moments when his brother asked for some advice on how to properly court the maiden, to let her know that he actually is devoted to her and would absolutely do anything for her without verbally saying so.
It came to a point that he found out his brother didn't do any of his work today and instead ignored them to pick violetgrass around Liyue. And before you ask, no he did not buy some in Wangshu Inn, his brother quite literally went around liyue and climbed just to find these flowers.
Because she told him that it was her favourite flower.
"Brother you are insane." He looked at him not knowing whether to laugh at how ridiculous it was or be amused at how he was able to collect more of those flowers than Xingqiu could ever within one (1) day.
He received a laugh as a response. "Maybe so, but it's what love does to a person."
"Correction, it's what love does to you."
"Oh? Then do you mean you have other ways to show the love of your life your affections?" His brother teased. “Perhaps wanting the person who has gotten your attention to read you books? or , and vice versa?”
"Nonsense. I think the chemicals of being head over heels for someone got to you." He replied, casually ignoring the last statement.
But it was endearing to see.
Amusing too.
He wouldn't want to embarrass his brother but he made it difficult not to hold back a laugh whenever he would randomly smile at the worst possible times. Take for example the moment when their family was called out for business and he was in own little world during the entirety of the meeting, only coming back down to earth when he was being called out by their father or Xingqiu had to forcefully tug his hair because he would be so out of it. Some of the people were probably terrified about how they were discussing something horrible and all his brother could do was smile through it all.
He'd talk about it with Chongyun at the end of the day, they'd both be laughing at his brother and what he did. Not in a mean way though.
It was silly.
Love made people look silly however he couldn't help but really be happy for his brother.
Because as long as his brother was happy with his girlfriend then he would support him all the way.
"I'm thinking of telling our parents."
His brother had told him one peaceful afternoon when they were at the balcony, the wind slowly breezing past their comfortable atmosphere as he took a sip of his tea.
The news made him look up from the book that he was reading. Staring at his brother, both having a silent conversation to make sure that Xingqiu did not just conjure up some sort of imagination on what his brother had said.
"Yes I'm very certain of it Xingqiu." His brother spoke again. And if what his brother had just said before was a figment of his imagination then whatever he was saying didn't make sense. Except it did because it was very real and he did not mishear anything at all.
"But you.. know how our parents are, right?" He trails off, as much as they both love their parents they're just as human as anyone else and have some flaws in them too. He wouldn't call being overprotective a flaw but it did come to a point that it felt very controlling for the both of them. "They're strict, they want one that would help make the guild become better. Remember?"
And they've had the discussion with their parents before, that someday they would arrange a marriage for them. One that would be able to make the guild more successful than it already is.
It absolutely sucked and neither of them was willing to do it but for the sake of their parents, they couldn’t help but just agree.
"Are you saying she is not worthy?" His brother was teasing, he could tell from the way his lips quirk up and his eyes spark in amusement.
After all, to whom else did he pick up his teasing side from.
"We both know that is simply far from what I meant gege." He said, voice steady and calm as his brother nodded in response.
They let themselves be engulfed in comforting silence for a moment as Xingqiu saw and admired the way the sun sinks when he let his eyes drift away from his book. Truly, he could never form words or describe how perfect it looked every single time.
"But you would support me in my decision, no?" His brother broke the silence.
"How could I not?" He said, genuine laced itself on his tone.
And it was the only response his brother needed to hear as they both continued on with a smile.
He was nervous for his brother, their parents were really loving but there had been some instances where they would throw a fit if they did something that wasn't to their liking, often times they'd receive a lecture and oftentimes they would just stand there and let them know that they were disappointed without having to verbally say it.
The last one would always leave a scar in both of their mind's but thankfully only had to experience it once. That didn't mean it didn't bother them a lot though.
Today was the day.
His brother would finally tell their parents.
It was evident how nervous he was by the sight of all his workload worth of weeks being finished within the span of a few hours.
Xingqiu did his usual routine though, meeting up with his friends and doing his very best to ignore the pit in his stomach and thoughts of what the aftermath would look like.
Chongyun already knew of the news (of course he does, he tells him everything.) that his brother was planning to tell their parents but he doesn't know when.
So before he went back home, Chongyun pulled him aside and gave him a hug. One that he wishes could last for eternity as his hair tickles his cheeks.
"I'm here if you need to talk about it, okay?" Chongyun whispered in his ear and he laughed.
"Dear Chongyun, it's okay." He pulled back to look at him, ignoring the way his heart thumped faster than it normally would. "There's nothing to worry about, thank you however. Really."
Chongyun did not look convinced by what he said but he shrugs it off and gives him a reassuring smile instead. He's thankful that Chongyun understood, he didn't pry much as they both parted ways and said their goodnight to each other.
The doors were opened for Xingqiu and he couldn't help but feel his heart run a mile once he saw his brother talking with their parents already.
He wasn’t supposed to listen.
But the thin walls were tempting him as he saw their shadow all sitting down quietly.
He was supposed to be in his room already, waiting for his brother to tell him about the news because they both knew how bad it could get.
But he didn’t.
He stayed and listened.
Waiting for the moment for it all to be finished and bringing some comfort for his brother who would probably complain about it as tears fell down in his face. He had thought they could never be as accepting as the other parents because that's what their actions screamed at Xingqiu. He thought he and his brother would be teasing each other to keep his spirits up until he could go back and escape the household once more just to see her again. He chuckles silently to himself knowing his brother was stubborn if not more than him when it comes to the things they are passionate about.
But as they exchanged their greetings and small talks, his brother finally said it once their mother had asked.
“Oh that’s right! Why did you want to talk to us? Is something the matter?”
“No.. no it’s nothing like that. I just.” He cleared his throat and Xingqiu’s heart ringed in his own ear. “ I just wanted to tell you that I have found myself a fair maiden I want to date with the intention of marriage.”
He closed his eyes out of the anxiety that was building up inside him.
Waiting for the moment.
And waiting.
But it never came.
“Oh that’s wonderful!” That voice laced with pride and satisfaction, was from his father. "If she's captured your attention so much then she must be a wonderful person. So who are we to deny you your happiness?"
“Your father’s right. Oh! You should invite her here so we can get to know her.” Their mother was practically bubbling with absolute joy.
What?
Really?
“Really?” His brother said out loud, mimicking his own thoughts.
“Really.” Her mother replied, so sincere that it made Xingqiu’s heart ache.
He wasn’t dreaming was he? He didn’t understand why but once he was done listening to their conversation he had a frown placed on his lips and heart that felt so heavy.
He remembers how they were willing to meet this girl and Xingqiu smiled because he was so happy for his brother. That the conversation turned out in a good note. He said it so simply, so casually and talked about what the girl was like, how they met during the lantern rite because she needed help and that turned into what they are now as he sat in his bed reminiscing what had happened.
Xingqiu congratulated his brother of course, how could he not when he was genuinely happy for him. But as the brother did his nightly escapades once more, he saw the genuine smile that was on his lips.
He couldn’t help but feel so bitter.
So jealous.
And he couldn’t understand why.
So Xingqiu did what he did best and that is to keep his own emotions and feelings to himself. During lonely nights however he couldn’t help but ponder the reason as to why. Xingqiu had no feelings for the woman and certainly not for his brother. So what was there to feel so bitter about despite being happy? That things turned out good in the end?
It certainly didn’t help that his brother did bring the girl to meet the family one afternoon. Of course he would, because that’s what one would do if you had the opportunity to show everyone who you love, right?
Archons, now he’s really regretting not showing up to lunch with Chongyun and his friends at all.
It’s not that he was avoiding them but right now, Xingqiu preferred to be alone at the moment. If only his brother had warned him that he would bring his girlfriend today. Then again he couldn’t really blame him either because he did a pretty damn good job of hiding in his perfect little facade.
They exchanged words, words that all become a blur to Xingqiu even if he tried to join in but all he could do was smile, laugh and nod from years of practice especially in a family related to business.
His brother seemed to notice his discomfort though.
“Xingqiu, I think your friends are waiting for you. You always have lunch with them right?” He was so understanding, so kind.
And he felt so selfish, so ashamed of himself as he nodded at his brother with a smile.
“Ah, yes. I just wanted to see the wonderful maiden my brother would constantly ramble to me about” He teased for the sake of himself not being able to bear the weight of the heavy air as he stood up. “It was a pleasure meeting you though. Mother, Father, If I may be excused.” He gave a smile he’s mastered for years.
Pathetic.
“Of course dear, take care.” His mother smiled.
“Don’t stay out too late.” His father added once he was making his way out.
Well that was funny.
Don’t stay out too late huh?
It seems he’d disobeyed this rule once more.
As much as he regretted skipping just one lunch with his friends, the journey to go alone to Qingce at their family’s warehouse was worth it in the best possible ways.
Though it took a while, mostly a long one but he made it nonetheless.
It was so pretty.
Xingqiu couldn’t help but admire the orb that floats up in the midnight sky, he wonders how peaceful it must be to just admire people from afar and they would stare at you in awe back. Because when it comes to the truth, it would always be that the moon is beautiful especially at times like these.
He just wanted to be a moon too.
People loved the moon no matter its flaws and imperfection.
It must be nice.
This was nice too.
Even if he heard the crickets in every single direction, it was oddly a comforting noise that made him feel at ease.
Even if he hadn't really found the answer to his questions, releasing all those pent up emotions felt nice since he rarely does that too as he carelessly wiped rain that would fall from his cheeks.
Wait.
Releasing all those pent up emotions?
Xingqiu touched his cheeks.
Oh that’s right, it wasn’t raining to begin with.
He was just crying.
Xingqiu tried, tried and tried desperately so as to keep the tears back in hopes that it could somehow stop. But it didn’t, it just kept on going feeling like he couldn’t breathe. Feeling vulnerable.
“Why? Why? Why.” He repeated to himself as his throat suddenly began to feel dry.
Xingqiu could understand logic, explain science and math just as easily as he learned it but why was it so hard for him to understand his emotions? What was so different from it?
“Xingqiu?”
His heart pounded through his ribs and voice became stuck on his throat by the sound of the oh so very familiar voice. Xingqiu didn’t have the nerve to look up, to face him and confront his emotions. Especially not to him.
Xingqiu could form a verse or a tale anytime and anywhere he wanted to but right now he couldn’t even form a single coherent word.
Why are you here Chongyun? Out of all the time, why now?
“What happened?” And Chongyun- Oh dear Chongyun was gentle as ever from the way he held his face that made him feel like he was staring at the icy mountains of dragonspine as his callused hands wiped his tears away and his tone had that honey like drip, smooth and one that he wouldn’t mind listening to forever.
Ah, that’s right. That’s the reason why.
It’s because he was just hanging around with Chongyun, tested the waters and fell head first in love with him. And he couldn’t escape even if he wanted to, even if it hurted him, even if it was unrequited. He was just hanging around with the boy and suddenly everything reminded him of Chongyun.
It’s because he stupidly liked him so much that no verses nor novels could ever compare.
“You can tell me anything you know, I’m your best friend.” Xingqiu’s heart made a shattering noise as if it was just as fragile as a glass and those simple words broke it. That’s right, that’s what they will always be. Best friends.
Even if he craved something more.
It all made sense now, he wasn’t jealous of his brother. He was envious.
Because he wanted that too.
And even if Chongyun liked him back in a romantic sense, he could already feel the atmosphere turning dark if he ever talked about it to his parents.
When did the world become so difficult just for loving a person?
“Qiu?” That sweet voice called out to him in a hushed tone like it was holding something so fragile, it made him feel all dizzy and flustered once he realized that he’d been staring at Chongyun all along. Not that he didn’t mind, his dear friend was open as a book and the worry on his face was evident. Waiting for his reply.
“Yeah.. . yeah.” He stuttered. “I’m as fine as a fiddle dear Chongyun, nothing to worry about.” He smiled, or at least he tried to give him the best smile he could conjure up as missed the warmth of Chongyun’s hand from his face already.
Whether or not Chongyun noticed that he was faking a smile, he didn’t say anything.
“Do you need water? I can get one for you right now-”
“Yun.”
“Or are you hungry-”
“Chongyun.”
“Tell me what you need, I’ll get it for you. Please.” His voice had gotten weak as if a man was desperate to find something that’s worth living for in this world,
“Say Chongyun.” His best friend looked up at him in anticipation. “The moon is beautiful today, isn’t it.”
He turned silent.
“I can’t decipher your riddles today Xingqiu.” And you’re not supposed to decipher them, dear Chongyun. “Please just tell me what you need. I will do anything.”
You say I’m your best friend but why is it that you would easily do anything for me? Dear Chongyun, are you really that cruel or oblivious?
“Read me a book and accompany me for the night?” He was teasing, he gave Chongyun that playful smile behind a silent wish thinking that he would decline his offer but to his surprise he had agreed.
“Let’s go inside then so you can be more comfortable.”
He sighed in content once they made it inside, he was thankful that his brother had made their father agree to put in a couch, a blanket and a pillow in the warehouse.
“You could lay down on the couch, while I can sit on the floor, I’ll go get you your book.” Xingqiu’s face flared up, embarrassed that he may or may not have thought he and Chongyun would be laying down on the same couch together. He just nodded in silence as a response.
Not even a minute passed by once Chongyun was by his side again, he took a peak on what book he got to read him and titled ‘young and hopelessly smitten.’
“Well I’m glad I picked the right book if your face is anything to go by.” They chuckled lightly and if Xingqiu wasn’t already in love with him, he’d just fallen deeper and deeper in a never ending hole because wow was he a sight to behold with that smile and laugh.
“How’d you know what book to choose?” He played along, keeping the light atmosphere as he sat down on the floor right beside him.
“You’ve been spacing out a lot these past few days with this book in hand you know.”
“Have I now? My dear Chongyun, it’s as if you’ve been keeping your eyes on me all this time.” He teased and that’s all there was to it, a heart halfted joke , something light hearted to keep the atmosphere comfortable between them because that’s how it’s always been.
“Well if not you then who else am I supposed to look at?”
He wasn’t supposed to say that. He wasn’t supposed to make his heart flutter in the best way possible with just simple sentences, as much as he’d love to indulge whatever this is between them. He couldn’t risk anything, He couldn’t risk the thought of Chongyun absolutely hating him, despising him even just because he likes boys. Because he likes him.
And he wished he didn’t like Chongyun desperately so or boys in general because it would make everything better.
But as he looked away from Chongyun with cheeks flush in a delicious color of red, he knew himself that he couldn't.
He cleared his throat despite his bundle of nerves wracking within him. “Feel free to start whenever you’re ready Chongyun.”
“Right... right.”
Chongyun’s voice stayed mellow and steady, sweet like honey to his ears. He sounded like the pianist he’d heard once passing through Liyue and got distracted, staying there for hours until they were finished. He sounded as if he was delivering something that’s supposed to be taken care of, choosing to handle it with soft hands and a gentle voice.
It wasn’t a rare occurrence for them to read a book to each other but he’d always cherish those moments in his heart.
And if he passed out half way with a half awake mind that made him feel as if Chongyun’s soft lips touched his cheeks and whispered to him an “I love you too, goodnight Xingqiu.”
Then he had no recollection of it at all.