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“Gobaek hajima (Don’t confess).”
“I want us to stay best friends. I want things to stay the way that they are. She’ll probably say that.”
These lines of mine kept playing in my head as I sat in my office. Just a while ago, I had finally mustered up the courage to give an answer to Ikjun’s “question” back in Sokcho. It was difficult, but it had to be done. I could no longer bear the agony I was putting the both of us in with trying to disregard what had happened altogether.
To say that I was dumbfounded, was truly an understatement to what I felt that day. When Ikjun finally left my office, feelings of shock, frustration and even a bit of anger rushed through me. After almost two decades of trying my best to bury these feelings at the back of both my mind and my heart, I felt something change that day. I felt a certain pang in my heart, and I didn’t like it. It felt very bothersome.
Suddenly, I was taken back to 1999, painful 1999, and I wasn’t quite sure if my memories with him back then was something I had wanted to reminisce. He was my first love, but also my first heartbreak after all.
Recalling all the times I had wanted to tell him how I felt, only to be turned down right away… even seeing him date around and marry someone else, was difficult for me to bear, but I endured as much as I could because whether I liked it or not, I really did want Ikjun in my life, and the more I got to know him and the longer time we spent being friends, I had realized that though it hurt, I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than to not have him in it at all.
This was why his whole confession scared me to my core. 1999 Songhwa would have told me to go for it, but the thing is… I wasn’t her anymore. I told myself that the current Songhwa no longer wore her heart on her sleeve, because whenever she did, she always ended up with a broken heart and at 40, I don’t think a broken heart is exactly what you need right now.
But then, the confession happened and I just felt like I was back to square one again. All these years, I really thought I had moved on from Ikjun, but some days were just too challenging. He was just too funny, too kind, too patient, too understanding, too caring, that my feelings would creep up every once in a while but whenever I saw him with someone else, I felt my heart break every. single. time.
It was really difficult to convince myself that I didn’t love him anymore, when I knew that I did… from afar. I thought I could take this to my grave, but then Sokcho happened, and just like that, I had to face these feelings head on again and telling him not to confess, turning him down like that……….. was it really the right decision?
I was scared because my mind and my heart were telling me two different things. My mind was saying yes, but my heart was saying no. In this very moment of confusion and misery, who do you think I should listen to?
Feeling a bit suffocated by my own thoughts, I decided to head out to get some air. I spotted an empty seat at the little garden we had within the hospital premises and sat quietly, basking in the coolness of the evening wind.
I tried thinking of something else; my upcoming surgery, this new camping gear I had just discovered, food even, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get Ikjun off my mind.
I hated how I was starting to doubt my decision of turning him down. But you know what I hated even more? Dwelling on the thought that I had hurt him with that decision. Saying yes to him would’ve felt like a dream come true, but I couldn’t even put into words how scared I was for the both of us. I just… I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to take that risk. There was just so much at stake.
“Coffee?”
I suddenly heard someone say, his voice too familiar for my ears. It was Ikjun with two take out cups of coffee in hand. I gently accepted the one on his right, as he took the empty spot beside me.
“I know you aren’t on duty tonight.” He said casually, acting as if the conversation we had over an hour ago never happened. “Why are you still here?”
“Just didn’t feel like heading home yet.” I answered before taking a sip from my take out cup.
Ikjun simply nodded in reply.
A long silence fell upon us after our brief conversation, but the weird thing was that neither the both of us felt tense nor uneasy considering what had happened earlier. We just sat there with our coffee, looking at the stars and the most random things we would lay our eyes on, probably even listened to each other’s breathing unintentionally, but it felt nice. I was really relieved that Ikjun didn’t feel awkward around me.
“Oh, before I forget. Songhwa ya, I’m getting you new pillows for your couch.” Ikjun said. “Junwan and I… we sort of got into a pillow fight over some crackers and…”
“Araso, araso.” I replied, letting out a soft laugh. “Just make sure you get me the good kind.”
“Mianhae.” Ikjun apologized, the look of embarrassment evident on his face. “Aish, Junwan really changed after that Hawaii trip. He’s never been this hostile over food!”
“Well, that’s just how he is… and so am I.”
We both laughed.
“Anyway, I better going. I’ve still got a stack of notes to go over for my lecture tomorrow. Unfortunately, they aren’t going to read themselves for me.” Ikjun joked as he stood up. “You take care alright? Message me when you get home. Kalkeyo (I’m leaving now).” He added, giving me a gentle pat on my back.
As I watched Ikjun leave, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how he seemed to be handling our situation quite well. All the while, I thought it would be difficult for the both of us to be able to converse like this after that confession, but here he was… making sure that it would be as if it never happened in the first place.
I wasn’t quite sure if that was what I wanted, but for the meantime, this will do.
Just as I was about to throw the take out cup in a nearby trash bin, I suddenly noticed a few scribbles written on it, so I turned the cup to get a better view.
“Songhwa ya, sorry for making things difficult for you. Don’t worry, we’re okay. We will always be okay.”
At that moment, my heart started beating like crazy. Maybe it was his effort, maybe it was his reassuring words, maybe it was him… but one thing’s for sure. I was now regretting shooting him down like that.
But I guess only time will tell, if fate will be on our side this time around… and I will be here patiently waiting, hoping Ikjun does the same well.
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