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On a rainy Thursday evening, the 99er’s were all gathered at Ikjun’s apartment for their weekly “samgyeopsal dinner”. No matter how busy their schedules were, they always made time to meet and bond with each other because their friendship did matter over anything… whether they admitted it or not.
“Guys,” Ikjun suddenly said. “I have an announcement to make.”
Songhwa and the boys exchanged glances of surprise and confusion. When Ikjun offered to host tonight’s dinner, there was no mention of an announcement of some sorts, which was why the mood shift felt a bit weird.
“Look, if this is about the electricity saving refrigerator you’re planning to buy, we know it already.” Junwan said, obviously disrupting Ikjun’s momentum.
The latter shot him a look and replied, “Obviously, that’s not what I had in mind, but yes, I am getting that refrigerator tomorrow because anything that’ll help me control my electricity expenses I will definitely buy!”
They all laughed.
“Anyway, Ikjun… you were saying?” Jeongwon asked, putting the topic back on the table.
“Alright, here goes. Junwan,” Ikjun said, signaling his Changwon buddy to not interrupt him this time. “Well… Hyejeong and I… we’re getting married.”
We all know that this kind of announcement would usually be met with a variety of congratulations coupled with excited hugs and screams, but the experience was quite different with the 99er’s. An awkward silence filled the air as they tried to grasp what their friend had just said.
“Ikjun ah, don’t you think you guys are rushing into this a little bit?” Jeongwon said, worry evident on his face.
“I agree.” Junwan added. “Ikjun ah, hasn’t it only been a couple of months since you started dating? Are you really sure about this?”
Before Ikjun could even answer his friends’ queries, Seokhyung gently put his hands together and clapped.
“Ikjun ah, chukahae (congratulations).” Seokhyung said. “You must have given this a lot of thought, so… if you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“What a guy, this guy.” Junwan said under his breath.
The boys may have given Ikjun a piece of their mind, but Songhwa remained silent. She wasn’t quite sure what to make out of Ikjun’s announcement, so she continued to sit there, fiddling with her metal chopsticks.
What was she supposed to say anyway? Congratulations, I’m happy for you… when she really wasn’t?
In this very moment, her heart just wouldn’t let her say what her mind had instructed her to do. Though extremely difficult, she listened to her heart this time, slowly acknowledging the fact that after all these years, she still had feelings for Ikjun, that no matter how often she dated or who she dated, it was always Ikjun.
And now, he was getting married and just like that… it was 1999 all over again sans the confession. The pain was familiar, too familiar, that she had to excuse herself from the dining table.
“Songhwa ya, where are you going?” Ikjun asked.
“Oh I…. I think I left something in my car.” Songhwa answered. “I’ll just go get it.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll come with you.”
“Aniyo!”
Songhwa’s frustration might have gotten the best out of her as she managed to startle everyone with the increased volume of her voice.
“Araso, araso. We heard you.” Junwan said. “Ikjun ah, better stay here and listen to us talk you out of that marriage!”
As Songhwa made her way out of Ikjun’s apartment, she felt tears well up her eyes. She was in so much pain right now and all she wanted was to be alone and to cry.
All this time, she thought she had finally gotten over him, but all it took was a simple, but sudden announcement for her to realize that her feelings had always been there, deeply stored within her heart.
Upon reaching her car, Songhwa leaned by the driver’s side and shed a few tears. “So I guess this is it…” She thought to herself. “I guess there really is no hope left for the both of us.”
To even entertain that thought with such finality, left a piercing pain in Songhwa’s heart. It felt like seriously and inevitably putting an end to all hope and all possibilities that maybe she and Ikjun would eventually find their way to each other.
But… it wasn’t always like this.
1999
Whenever it was finals week, the boys could never get a hold of Songhwa. Basically, all that really mattered to her was to eat, to study and to get enough sleep. The rest of her life would be put on hold up until the exams were over.
This meant that band practice was cancelled for a week or so, leaving the boys with nothing else to do but chill at each other’s houses, play video games, sometimes even annoy each other with their little antics.
But tonight was different. It seemed like everyone was busy, except for Ikjun. Jeongwon had to accompany his mom to a friend’s birthday party, Seokhyung opted to stay in and watch the latest episode of his favorite tv show, meanwhile Junwan… well, he just didn’t feel like hanging out.
Having nothing else to do, Ikjun decided to spend his time wisely by studying for the finals. It wasn’t such an “Ikjun thing” to do, but he wasn’t exactly in the mood to go bar-hopping anyway and he could really use this free time to learn and retain more information just in time for their finals.
As soon as he entered the public library, the first person he saw was none other than Songhwa. She was seated at the far end of the room, her eyes fixated on her textbook. “My girlfriend is neat and cute,” this line kept playing in Ikjun’s head as he continue to stare at her, still absolutely in awe at her beauty.
Ever since turning her down like that, Ikjun felt Songhwa distance herself from him and he felt really bad for having brought this certain awkwardness upon them. If only he could tell her that he felt the same way, he would in a heartbeat, but he just couldn’t, knowing that his dear friend had the same feelings for this woman.
“No one should mess with the bro code” He remembered saying to the guys when they were laying down their rules a few months back.
Bringing himself back to reality, Ikjun decided to grab the books that he needed for tonight’s study session. He was currently debating on whether he should sit with Songhwa or not, but after a few justifications from here and there, Ikjun took the table that was a few meters away from her.
He just didn’t want to be a bother anymore. He knew he’s done enough damage.
All this time, Ikjun thought Songhwa hadn’t noticed him enter the library that night, but she did. She wanted to greet him so badly, but it had only been weeks since he turned her down at Seokhyung’s residence and she couldn’t deny to herself that she was still very hurt.
Songhwa thought she could go on the entire night without talking to him, let alone acknowledge his existence, but she couldn’t stop stealing looks at him from time to time. Her heart still beat erratically at the mere sight of him, that when she couldn’t take it any longer, she decided to walk towards his table and greet him as if nothing ever happened.
“Maybe if I pretend I’m okay then I’ll actually be okay.” Songhwa convinced herself.
“A-annyeong.” Songhwa stuttered, trying to act confident despite fully knowing that she wasn’t.
Her sudden greeting startled Ikjun a bit, making him up look up almost immediately from the textbook he was reading.
“Uh Songhwa ya, annyeong.” He replied, awkwardly fixing his eyeglasses. “Did you just… did you just get here?” He asked.
“Um, not really.” Songhwa answered. “I’ve been here since our class ended at 5 pm. Are you… here to study as well?”
Ikjun nodded in reply.
There was an awkward silence that followed, but surprisingly, Songhwa was the first one to break it as she cleared her throat.
“No one’s sitting with you, right? Would it be alright… if I sit with you? It feels a bit awkward sitting alone over at my table as well.” Songhwa said.
“Yes, you can sit with me anytime. You can study with me anytime. You can be with me all the time.” Ikjun wanted to say, but he settled with a casual, “Neh, gweanchanha”, though he felt like his heart could pop out of his chest anytime.
As soon as Ikjun agreed, Songhwa let out a small and shy smile, then walked back to her table to gather her things. She was somewhat happy to know that everything was going well between her and Ikjun, contrary to what she had assumed after that “unfortunate event” at Seokhyung’s.
Just before walking towards Ikjun’s table, Songhwa placed a hand on her heart and muttered, “Be still… don’t get your hopes up too much.”
Little did she know that Ikjun was doing the exact same thing as he waited for her.
As soon as Songhwa was settled at the spot right across him, they both exchanged smiles and got back to studying. While she seemed to be completely in the zone, Ikjun couldn’t help but steal a few glances at Songhwa from time to time, admiring both her beauty and dedication to learn.
He loved how her eyebrows furrowed whenever she came across a terminology that seemed foreign to her, how her lips would form into a smile when she finally understood several medical processes she thought were way too difficult to grasp, how she yawned after every tenth page flip.
Ikjun could stare at Songhwa all day, but after a while, he knew he had to take his “studying” seriously.
As soon as he began reading, it was now Songhwa’s turn to steal a few glances at him. “How could he be that handsome? Why couldn’t he like me back?” She thought to herself. “Gweanchanha Songhwa ya. Just be happy and contented that he is your friend.” She added.
During one of their study breaks, Ikjun decided to get himself and Songhwa some coffee from the nearby vending machine. He knew they both needed it, what with all the eye drooping, yawning and stretching that was happening.
“Songhwa ya, I got you this-..”
Ikjun’s sentence was cut off midway when he noticed Songhwa fast asleep on their table. He let out a small chuckle as he noticed her little snore in between breaths.
He gently placed the unopened can of coffee beside her book, very careful not to wake her.
She looked exhausted from all the studying, but Ikjun was still amazed at how she looked like a goddess as she got some well-deserved shut-eye.
“Songhwa ya, I hope you don’t tire yourself out too much.” Ikjun uttered softly as he sat back down. “I know you’ve been working really, really hard.” He added.
“I’m sure you’re going to top all of our exams.” Ikjun smiled. “When our professor calls out your name, you’re going to be jumping and smiling again, and I’ll be sitting there thinking to myself, ‘Look at her, she’s so cute. I wish I could make her that happy’.”
After saying this out loud, Ikjun let out a deep and heavy sigh.
“I’m only this courageous now because you’re asleep. But once you’re awake, I’m going to have to act as if I never said this.” He said. “But I care about you, Songhwa. I really do.”
“I care about you too, Ikjun.” Songhwa wanted to say in that very moment. She had been sleeping lightly the entire time, but was wide awake just in time to hear everything Ikjun had just said.
Suddenly, her hands were getting all clammy. She could feel sweat forming on her forehead and her nape. She was in a state of disbelief that all this time, the guy of her dreams actually felt something for her, and although the reason why he couldn’t be upfront about it wasn’t clear, this was enough for her to get her hopes up again.
Songhwa liked Ikjun that much.
“Maybe it’s all about the right timing.” She thought.
“And I’m willing to wait because I know it’s going to be worth it.”
PRESENT DAY
But that right time Songhwa was talking about? It never happened.
She waited for him to say something, but he never did. She waited for him to finally act on his feelings, but the fact that it seemed as if they were non-existent in the first place, hurt her to her core.
She had to bear years and years of seeing him bring girls whenever they hung out. She had to see him be a total gentleman to them as he made them laugh at his silly jokes, and though it was tough for her to act like she could care less, she knew she was made strong by time.
But to hear him finally get married and spending the rest of his life with someone else, brought her a different kind of pain altogether. It was as if she was brought back to that unfortunate night at Seokhyung’s, except that the pain was magnified a hundred times more.
Songhwa would tell herself that she was long over the idea of her and Ikjun getting together, but deep inside, there was always a glimmer of hope that would make her hold on to that very thought.
But today, she finally slammed that one last nail into the coffin and said to herself, “Gumanhae (Let’s stop this).”
“Songhwa ya, gobaek hajima (Don’t confess).”
-END-