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It's been a year since I broke Kim Junwan's heart. As each day passed, I thought I could gradually get over the feeling of sadness and guilt, but it seemed to get stronger and stronger up until my heart could no longer take it.
I know he didn't deserve to be left hanging like that, but in that very moment, I just thought that breaking up with him would be most appropriate. Junwan was a busy man, after all. He had so many patients, operations, and conferences, that I didn't want to keep holding him down like that.
Had he known of my thoughts and feelings, I was sure he would tell me otherwise. He would say that I wasn't being a bother, that he was willing to make time for us even if it meant having to work twice as hard or missing engagements that would benefit his career. But I didn't want that. Junwan has worked so hard all these years that slowly spiraling down for someone like me just wasn't worth it.
But I admit, I was selfish in making that decision. I didn't take into consideration how Junwan would feel about it... how broken he would be. When I saw him waiting by the entrance of Yulje last year, I was utterly heartbroken at how he looked. He had lost so much weight, his eyes were sad and empty. This wasn't the Junwan I knew and fell in love with. Yes, he did seem to be such a stern and cold-hearted person, but in truth, he was warm, funny and considerate. Any woman would be lucky to be loved by him.
"How could you, Iksun? How could you break his heart like that? You know he didn't deserve it." I constantly thought, and it bothered me whenever I came into terms with it every single day. I made a mistake, a really huge mistake, and I had to make things right.
I had to tell Junwan that I never stopped loving him. That today and in all other lifetimes, I would always choose him.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve, I took a cab to the apartment he and Jeongwon shared. Today was a Saturday, Junwan's free day, and I had hoped that he was staying in today. He had to hear what I was going to say, he had to know the truth.
As soon as I hopped into the elevator that would take me to their floor, my heart was beating fast. I had been feeling so optimistic about this early on, that I hadn't given much thought on how things would turn out if Junwan turned me down. My heart sunk at the thought, but what truly mattered to me now was that he would finally know my truth. I was willing to accept whatever his reaction would be because I deserved it, after all.
"Unit 321", the signage on the door read. This it it. I've reached a point of no return.
All it took was three, short doorbell rings and there he was, the man that I loved and continue to love, in absolute shock at seeing me for the first time in a year. Tears welled up in both our eyes as we stood there, not knowing what to do in that very moment.
"Iksun ah..." Junwan finally uttered. "How have you-"
And just like that, my lips met his in an instant. There were just so many emotions flowing right through me that I couldn't help myself. I longed for Junwan, I missed every bit of him. I just wanted to melt into him right then and there and make up for all the lost time.
When I felt him return my kiss with the same intensity, one of his hands placed gently on the side of my neck and the other on my waist, I knew he felt the same way.
"Iksun ah..." He uttered again when we were both out of breath. "That was... wow. But um... maybe we can get inside my apartment first?"
We both exchanged shy chuckles as we made our way into the apartment. As Junwan gestured for me to take a seat on their grey couch, I noticed his cheeks turn into a faint shade of red. He clearly did not expect that kiss and so did I. But you know what they say, the heart wants what it wants.
Junwan came back with two bottles of tea in hand. As soon as he opened the bottle that he prepared for me, he handed it over in true Junwan gentleman fashion and took the spot right next to me.
"It's been a while since I last heard from you." Junwan started, a small smile forming on his face. "How long have you been in Seoul?" He asked.
"One year." I answered softly, knowing it would take him by surprise... and it did.
"I see." Junwan nodded his head. "What made you come back? Did the program finish early?"
"Oppa," I said, putting the bottle of tea on the table. "I came back because I'm sick. I don't really want to talk about it, so... maybe we can just leave it at that."
"Does Ikjun know?" Junwan asked, worry evident in his eyes.
I nodded in reply.
"Ikjun oppa was the first one I called when things were falling apart and the only thing he told me was to pack my bags and head home." I explained. "It was really tough for me, but I knew it was the right thing to do."
There was a silence that followed after that. Junwan seemed to be processing all the information he was getting from this conversation, that the least I could do was to stay quiet and give him that time to really think about everything.
"Everything that you told me... about you liking your friend. It was all a lie right? To cover up what was actually happening to you?" Junwan concluded. "You didn't want to let me know of your condition because you were worried that it would disrupt my routines and my life in general, so you chose to deal with it all alone."
With that being said, tears started falling from my eyes.
"Kundae waeyo (But why)?" Junwan asked. "I really wanted to be there for you. I should've been there for you. Why didn't you let me?"
"Because I was selfish, oppa. I thought that what I wanted... was what was best for us." I admitted. "Had you known of my condition, I knew that things would get complicated. I would be bothering you so much. I already knew how stressed you were because of our long distance relationship."
"But that's for me to decide." Junwan said. "Iksun ah, when we got into this relationship, you knew how much I loved you. I didn't care if I had to sacrifice whatever just to be with you."
"Yes, I admit that at first, I struggled a lot because of the distance. I couldn't talk to you whenever I wanted because of the time difference. We would be so caught up with our respective schedules that sometimes, we'd get in touch after a week or so. Whenever I felt so stressed over a patient or an upcoming surgery, I couldn't feel that hug of yours that automatically made things better." Junwan explained.
"But I was willing to adjust, I was willing to endure all the struggles, if it meant being with you forever." He added. "Which is why I couldn't understand why you gave up on us so easily."
"I know I still want to be with you, but it really hurts, Iksun. It still does." Junwan admitted.
"Oppa, mianhae. Jeongmal mianhae." I said. "I understand where you're coming from. I should've been more honest, more considerate, more patient but I allowed my fear to get the best of me which is why I hurt the one person who means the world to me."
"Oppa, I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped loving you, but I know that we both still need time to heal. You, most especially. I just wanted you to know that I'll be waiting for things to be better again... even if that day never comes. I don't think I'll ever love someone the way I love you."
Junwan then pulled me into a gentle and comforting embrace. As he buried his face in my neck and I inhaled every bit of his masculine scent, the sadness, love and longing between us was evident.
We didn't get back together that day no matter how much we wanted to. We had both decided that we were going to restore what was broken and strengthen what was left.
It seemed as if though we were starting from scratch again, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This time, I was going to love him right and I was more than relieved to know that I had the rest of my life to prove just that.