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Anxious, hesistant, fearful.
If there were three words to perfectly sum up how I felt about finally admitting to Ikjun that I did have feelings for him, this would be it.
After turning him down a few months back, I had expected him to slowly move on from me. Since I had made it clear right then and there that I wanted us to remain the best of friends, I honestly thought that he would go back to seeing me in the same light and would no longer entertain the idea of us getting together romantically.
He did make me feel that way, but the more time we spent together... the meals we shared, his never-ending jokes that would make me laugh, the quiet but comfortable moments we spent watching the rain, and the way he was there for me when I had found out about my mother's disease, I realized that something within me changed. I was in denial at first, justifying that this might have been because I hadn't dated in so long, but as the days passed, my feelings had gotten stronger and stronger until I had reached a point of no return.
I knew I was doomed, because I had to face these feelings in one way or another. I was no longer at this age where running away and acting like they were non-existent was an option. I had to tell Ikjun, I had to get this off my chest, but whenever I had the chance, I would always chicken out. I would think to myself, would he accept my feelings after turning him down like that? What if he has already adjusted to him and I just being best friends? What if he likes some other girl I know nothing about?
Majority of the time, I would find myself giving into these thoughts, which was why my confession would always be put on hold. I always thought I had a lot of time in my hands, but... Ikjun's accident was a wake up call for me; to treasure every moment spent with him, to make him feel how important he is to me, and to finally tell him... that I truly love him.
That rainy night in his car, with two cups of coffee, our constant companion, I will never ever forget. It wasn't just about the kiss or the hug that we shared. It was our story coming to full circle. It was the both of us finally letting each other in after years of denial, heartaches, and being redirected to other paths. This was our time to love now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
You might ask. Did anything really change after I finally confessed to Ikjun? Well, not really. At the hospital, we would still be as chummy and as professional as we would normally be, but when it was just the both of us, I had become more affectionate in my own little way and I really liked it. I'm sure Ikjun did as well.
"Wow, you're cooking?" He teased, as he spotted me preparing some samgyeopsal for the both of us. Ikjun knew I wasn't that skilled in the kitchen, but I guess love does change people somehow.
"O," I nodded. "Waeyo? If you don't like it, I don't mind having it all for myself."
"Ya Chae Songhwa." Ikjun said. "Even if you burn all of those meat, I'd still eat it. You know why?"
"Why?" I asked, fully knowing of his cheesy answer.
"Because I have no other choice."
"YA!"
Dinner went by in a breeze. We talked about some of our cases at work, Uju's blooming relationship with Mone and a few furniture that I was planning to get for my apartment.
Having prepared dinner for the both of us, Ikjun offered to clean up, which I gladly accepted. I really did appreciate how he has always been very considerate of me.
"It's not raining right?" Ikjun said, joining me by the big window as soon as he was done doing chores. I shook my head in reply and smiled, eyes still fixated on the moon that shined beautifully before us.
"Ikjun ah, can I ask you something?" I asked, looking into his deep brown eyes. "How do you feel about us?"
Ikjun's eyebrows adorably furrowed in confusion.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I mean... are you happy that we finally got together? Are you happy that I'm your girlfriend?"
Ikjun teasingly responded with that usual detective thinking face that had me laughing for the nth time. Oh, dear Lord. I cannot believe I am stuck with this man forever.
"Dangyeonhaji (Of course)." He answered when our laughter died down. "Sometimes, I can't even fully grasp that this is my reality. I was gifted with an amazing son and now, I have an equally amazing girlfriend. There's really nothing more that I could ask for." He added.
"What about you? How do you feel about us?"
"Ikjun ah... I do think that I've never been any happier." I said softly. "It may sound funny, but this used to be one of my childish dreams back in the day. To finally call you my boyfriend, to go on all those silly dates with you, and now that they're slowly coming true, I feel like I'm on Cloud Nine." I added. "Med School Songhwa would be cheering me on right now."
We both smiled.
"Songhwa ya, I know this is all in the past, but I just wanted to apologize." Ikjun said. "I'm sorry for that one time I turned you down, I'm sorry if there have been instances where I might have put you in difficult situations, that made you wonder if you really did mean something to me." He added. "Med School Ikjun was a scaredy cat and also a bit of an ass."
"Honestly, there have been days where I find myself thinking if I really do deserve you after everything that's been said and done. But then again, I also realized that there must have been a reason why we had to wait this long, before we could find our way back to each other. Fate made sure that we would be our best selves so we could finally be the best for each other."
"Songhwa ya," Ikjun said as he held both my hands. "Saranghaeyo."
"Ikjun ah," I responded, my voice a little shaky what with all the emotions I was feeling. "Saranghaeyo."
As Ikjun's lips met mine, I couldn't help but shed a few tears. He was right. It might have taken a long time for us to get to where we are today, but I wouldn't trade all of those experiences for anything else.
My relationship with Ikjun has gone through ups and downs filled with love, sadness and even regret, but each fleeting and meaningful moment molded us and prepared us for each other. Indeed, it wasn't just about our ultimate destination which was each other, but the incredible journey we had along the way.
Our love story was a gradual, but beautiful process that had been strengthened both by the special and mundane moments of life and I was so glad that in Ikjun, I had finally found my best friend, my lover and my person all rolled into one.
- END -