Work Text:
It takes all the strength that Carlos has to peel his eyes open.
The sunlight bleeds through the curtains and Carlos seems to focus for a moment on the dust caught in the sunbeam as it floats through the air. As he stares, he contemplates going back to sleep, immediately recongising the persistent sense of dread and panic that has settled within him. It has been weeks since the fire, but still, Carlos struggles every night to sleep and fights to be okay every morning when he wakes up. If he ends up falling asleep that is. But each time he finds himself losing control more and more.
Carlos turns towards the other side of the bed and for a moment, he’s confused and the panic rises when he finds it void of his boyfriend. The realisation, however, slowly comes to him as he remembers TK has a shift today. His first one back since the whole ordeal. Carlos takes a deep breath in, counts and then releases it before he finally manages to push himself up and off the bed.
As he descends the stairs, Carlos automatically smells what he figures is the familiar scent of coffee and his own cinnamon waffles that he and TK had frozen for quick breakfasts. Carlos only wishes he’d be able to enjoy them also but he can’t help but to feel a sickness deep within his stomach. TK soon comes into view, already dressed in his uniform, his duffle bag in its usual place by the door. Both Carlos and TK have had conversations over the past few days about going back to work and TK had insisted that if Carlos needed him to stay, he would. And despite telling him everything was okay, that he was okay, Carlos was suddenly panicking at the mere thought of being by himself.
Eventually, TK turns towards him and there’s a smile on his face. It’s enough to send just enough warmth through Carlos.
“Morning, babe.” TK says and he approaches Carlos, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to his temple. “There’s coffee on the counter for you.”
Carlos manages a small smile as he settles himself down onto the stool by the counter. “Morning, sweetheart.” He whispers, wrapping his hands around the mug, hoping to find some comfort in the warmth of the ceramic. TK stares at him for a moment, as if he’s studying him and Carlos knows that he has already blown his act of pretending that he is okay.
“Are you okay?” TK asks finally as if reading Carlos' mind.
“Yeah.” Carlos says almost too quickly. He shrugs a shoulder, attempting to act nonchalant about the situation. “I just don’t feel very good. I’m sure it’s probably just a stomach bug.”
TK frowns. “Are you going to be okay by yourself? I can stay home, if you want. Another day wouldn’t hurt.”
Carlos shakes his head despite the urge he is feeling to tell TK to stay with him, that he would not want anything more. But he can’t. Somehow, both of them have to get back to their lives. “No, Ty, I’ll be fine.”
Things are silent for a moment and Carlos can feel TK’s eyes back on him. Finally, it seems as if he comes to his own conclusion and nods his head. “Okay, promise me you’ll text or call if you need anything?”
Another forced smile. “I promise.”
TK seems satisfied with that and he presses a kiss to Carlos’ curls before backing away. “I’ll see you later, okay? I love you.”
“I’ll be here. I love you too.” Carlos says and well, that isn’t a lie.
Carlos listens closely as TK puts on his jacket and his shoes before finally, he hears the door shut. It’s in that moment that he allows the tears he had been holding back since awakening to flow. It’s something that he has gotten quite used to, breaking down by himself, unfortunately it’s the only way he knows. He makes no move to stop them but bites on his bottom lip in an attempt to hide a sob. The task fails however as a small whimper makes its way from his throat.
He’s not sure how long he sits allowing himself to break down before he finally rises from his seat, taking the untouched mug of coffee with him and dumping it down the sink. He then manages to walk to the living room where he sits down on the couch. He pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his forehead onto them before he finally closes his eyes.
***
When Carlos awakens once again, it’s to the sound of his phone’s notification sound. He slowly opens his eyes, finding his body screaming with pain at the uncomfortable position he had folded himself into. It takes a moment before he is able to move and he leans over to grab his phone from the end table. There’s a message flashing on the screen and it takes everything in him to tell his brain to answer it.
TK
Hey Carlos, I know you’re probably resting but I wanted to check up. Let me know when you’re awake.
Carlos stares down at the message, tears finding his eyes once again. He’s not sure if it’s from the sheer love that TK shows him or if it’s because he has yet again lied about being okay. He’s had tons of practise pretending that he’s okay, what’s one more day? Carlos figures he’ll be able to get it all out by the time TK comes home. He’s always been the strength for everyone else, he can’t allow himself to break now.
Carlos
I just woke up, I’m doing okay. Still not all the way there. I hope your shift is going well.
It only takes seconds before another text from TK comes through.
TK
Try to get some more rest and maybe eat something. I’ll be home before you know it. I love you.
Carlos has lost all ability by that point to even try and type a response back and just simply leaves the message sitting there. He figures TK is right in the aspect of him having to eat something, but the thought alone just makes his stomach churn. He makes his way over to the fridge and opens it, glancing around. There’s a container that has leftovers from his and TK’s dinner last night and he figures that’s enough. Carlos retrieves the tupperware before closing the fridge and he manages to move on muscle memory to grab a pot. He dumps the contents of the container into it and turns it on full heat. He figures the faster it heats, the faster he can get eating over and done with.
Carlos stirs the contents around in the pot for a few seconds before he sets the spoon down and walks out of the kitchen, collapsing back down on the couch. He figures it can’t hurt to lie down while the food is warming. He feels his body relax against the soft cushions, however his mind is still swirling with unwanted thoughts. He manages to blink away the tears, holding them within him and he tries to take deep breaths. Eventually, he finds his eyes slipping closed and the difficult thoughts are slowly disappearing as he goes into the darkness.
***
“Dude, what is with you?”
TK is barely able to pull his gaze away from his phone to look at Nancy. The woman sits beside him in the back of the ambulance as they restock its supplies. He has a lie on the tip of his tongue but he quickly decides that Nancy will see through it. She has become quite good at that.
“It’s Carlos. He wasn’t acting like himself this morning and now he’s not answering my texts.” TK explains as he looks back down at his phone, hoping to see a text.
Nancy shrugs. “Well, maybe he’s just resting.”
TK bites at his lip because yes, that is the most obvious answer. Carlos really could have just fallen back asleep but TK also can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. Carlos hasn’t been himself since the fire, understandably and TK would be lying if he said that leaving the house this morning didn’t send a wave of uneasiness through him.
He figures he has in fact been overreacting when a text comes through and he breathes a sigh of relief. But that all goes away when he opens the message thread and finds that it’s not a text from Carlos at all, but from the alarm company. TK’s heart is in his throat as he reads over the text twice. He gets up, nearly falling off the ambulance as he stares down and he hopes that somehow the text would change.
“I have to go.” He whispers.
“TK, what’s wrong?” Nancy asks, her features full of worry.
TK shakes his head as he steps out and begins to walk towards the bay doors before he eventually breaks into a run, tears finding their way to his eyes. He fumbles with attempting to get his keys into the ignition three times before he manages to.
“Please be okay, please be okay.” TK mumbles to himself as he begins to drive towards the house and he can only pray that his boyfriend is in fact okay and this is all just a mistake. He hopes with every fiber of his being.
***
Carlos is surrounded by heat and there is smoke choking him. It’s an unbearable feeling, watching as the flames rise around him, destroying everything he has ever known. He’s not sure where he is, he’s not sure where TK is and that sends a brand new wave of panic through him.
“Carlos.”
TK’s voice echoes back to him but the flames only seem to roar louder, drowning out his voice.
“Carlos! I need you to wake up.”
Carlos’ eyes snap open, his body shooting up involuntarily and he nearly collides with TK who is kneeling down beside him. The flames, heat and danger have all disappeared and Carlos wishes he can be relieved for that, but is unable to calm down from the absolute panic that has overtaken him.
“Carlos, hey, take deep breaths.” TK says, his voice ever so soft and understanding. They have been together long enough for TK to know exactly what the beginnings of his panic attacks look like. TK holds onto him tightly, slowing his breathing down so Carlos can match the patterns. As soon as there is a sign of Carlos calming down, TK gives him a soft reassuring smile. “There you go, you’re okay.”
Carlos shakes his head before he looks around, his eyes settling on the kitchen where he sees remnants of smoke hanging in the air. “What happened?”
“You must have fallen asleep with the stove on.” TK explains but is quick to add, “It’s okay, the alarm company got a hold of me when the smoke alarm started going off. I shut it off, everything is okay.”
Carlos squeezes his eyes shut and he can feel the tears when he reopens them.
“Carlos, it’s okay to tell me if you’re not okay.” TK whispers.
“I’m fine.” Carlos mumbles and TK can barely react before he’s getting up off the couch and walking into the kitchen. TK is right, nothing seems to be damaged or anything but the place also looks like a mess and it’s all his fault.
“Carlos, stop.” TK tries as he follows in behind him.
“This can’t stay like this, Ty, I have to clean it up.” Carlos says and even so, he can feel himself beginning to spiral once again. His mind is in a complete whirlwind as he goes to grab the pot from the stove that holds the food he was supposed to eat.
“Carlos, wait.”
TK’s warning comes a beat too late as Carlos wraps his hand around the handle, picking it up. It takes only a moment for his mind to wake up and release that the pot is hot, hot enough that it is burning him and he winces, dropping the pot. He flinches at the loud clang as it hits the ground and the contents of it spill out all over the floor.
Before he can even think to bend down to clean it all up, he feels TK gently wrap his arm around his bicep, freezing his movements. “Carlos, baby, stop. I need you to stop and let me look at your hand.”
Carlos shakes his head but the tears that run down his cheeks decieve him. “It’s okay. It’s nothing.”
“It’s not okay, Carlos. It’s a burn.” TK whispers softly. “Listen to me, we need to treat it, okay? This can all wait. Just let me help you.”
Carlos is silent but slowly nods. TK leads him over to the sink, turning on the top and he tests the water before he carefully guides Carlos’ hand underneath it. Carlos feels his body shaking and he has to grit his teeth when the water comes in contact with his burned skin.
“I know, it’s okay.” TK reassures him. “It’ll help, I promise.”
When TK is sure that the water has stopped the burning process, he shuts the tap off and then leads Carlos back into the living room, settling him down onto the couch. Carlos doesn’t move an inch, just continues to stare down at his hand as TK walks to the bathroom and appears back with a first aid kit.
“We have to put some of this onto it and then wrap it, okay?” TK explains. “Will you be okay with that?”
“Yeah.” Carlos whispers, his voice barely audible.
TK works in mostly silence, save for the reassurances that he whispers to Carlos. He puts the burn cream onto Carlos’ skin before he begins the task of wrapping the wound in gauze.
“Please don’t be mad.” Carlos’ voice comes a few seconds later, low and tearful.
TK quickly looks up at him, his eyebrows furrowing. “Why on earth would I be mad?”
“I lied to you.” Carlos says, his voice breaking slightly at the revelation. Carlos closes his eyes, taking a deep shaking breath before he reopens them. “I’m not okay, TK.”
TK slowly nods his head before he grabs Carlos’ non-injured hand. “Hey, look at me.”
It takes a few moments but Carlos manages to pull his gaze away from his lap and to TK.
“I would never be mad at you for not being okay, Carlos. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t worried about you but never mad. I’m just wondering why you thought you couldn’t tell me.”
Carlos shrugs a shoulder. “It was your first day back to work. I didn’t want to be a burden.”
“Carlos, you would never be a burden, okay? I love you and I’m sorry you felt like you had to hide this from me. We went through something terrible and unbelievably terrifying. No one can wake up one day and be okay with that.”
“It’s been weeks, TK and I still struggle to sleep, I still have trouble even getting out of bed. I feel so unbearably lost and I just want it to go away. I want to be okay again. I’m tired of not being okay. You have been for days now, why can’t I have that?”
“You lost a place you’ve been building for years of your life, Carlos. There isn’t anything that I can say to make that better for you. But healing from that? It will take time. It is something that will always be with you, but eventually the weight of it will get easier. You are the strongest person I know, Carlos Reyes and I know you will be okay. But you don’t have to be strong all the time, I don’t want that for you. I want you to be able to tell me you’re not okay and I want you to never have to feel like you’re being a burden.”
“It’s hard.” Carlos whispers. “I don’t know how to do that sometimes. I’ve just gotten used to getting through things on my own. But I’m trying so hard.”
“I know. You’ve always had to be the strong one but right now, I am telling you that you can always feel safe to break down with me, in whatever way you need to.” TK whispers, raising a hand to brush at Carlos’ curls. “We’ll figure it out. You have always been there for me and you never gave up, let me do that for you.”
Carlos can feel the tears finally fall once again. “I’m sorry about the mess.”
TK gives him a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to apologise, messes can be cleaned up. I am just so relieved that you’re okay. You are all I was worried about.”
“I didn’t mean to make you worry.” Carlos whispers.
“I know you didn’t. But whether you like it or not, I’ll always worry about you. You know I love you, right? Always.”
“I love you too. Forever.”
TK leans over, placing a kiss onto his cheek. “What do you need?”
“I really don’t know.” Carlos says, staring down at his lap.
“Do you want to be alone?” TK asks.
“No, I don’t think so. I think I want you to stay here with me.”
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Do you want to go to bed? I bet it’ll be more comfortable.”
When Carlos nods, TK takes a hold of his hand, pulling him up from the couch and leading him up to their bedroom. The two of them get under the blankets and TK wraps his arms around Carlos as he automatically gravitates to his side. TK quickly orders some take out on his phone, probably knowing Carlos hasn’t eaten all day before setting the device aside. He then focuses on giving Carlos as much comfort as he can. Eventually, after they have eaten and find a comfortable silence surrounding them, Carlos slowly finds himself beginning to fall asleep. There hadn’t been any words spoken for the last hour but he knows TK is there.
And it’s clear in that moment that the two of them are a force of warmth and strength for one another, how they will always need one another. That no matter what the universe throws at them, their love is there to guide them through it. And for the first time in weeks, Carlos feels all the safety of having TK there with him and he manages to finally and peacefully fall asleep.