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Sirius apparated on their doorstep. He missed the knob the first time he reached for it, but he got it the second time. He stumbled inside the Potter's house. Technically it was just James's now that his parents had passed away and he was letting Sirius continue to live there, but he couldn't help thinking of it as Fleamont and Euphemia's house.
He was knackered. He wished that he could walk to his room and fall onto the bed and sleep until tomorrow morning, but it wasn't feasible. He'd gotten a potion knocked over him at work and his skin rubbed against his robes, uncomfortably sensitive. Davies had been horrified and endlessly apologetic about it, since it was his loss of balance that had done it, but it was still annoying. He'd been decontaminated at work of course, but that didn't mean there wasn't a lingering discomfort. Which there was. A shower would make him feel loads better, and following that, he could change into something other than robes. Once he was in his favoured muggle attire, he had leftover takeaway from yesterday calling his name. After he did all that, then he could get to sleep.
He was going to have a nice, easy evening to make up for a dreadful day, and he'd be able to go to work tomorrow like he hadn't spend half of today wanting to bite McCormac's head off. Honestly, he was beginning to believe that the bloke had forged his license.
"Hey," James said, "are you good to go out to the pub tonight instead of tomorrow? Something came up with Moony's family and he's leaving in the morning."
Sirius glanced over at James and saw that he expected for the answer to be yes. Asking was a formality. James wanted to go tonight-- had been so excited for the Marauders meet up that he'd been mentioning it on and off for the past two weeks-- and he expected for Sirius to agree with him. He expected for Sirius to go along with it, the way that he went along with everything James wanted.
And right now wasn't going to be any different.
"Tonight's fine," Sirius said, and for a second, his heart lifted instead of falling through the floor because James was smiling at him, bright and happy.
"Great, I'll let them know," James said. He took a few steps to come in close to Sirius and brushed a quick kiss over his mouth. "How was work?"
"Fine."
James nodded and went to go contact Remus and Peter.
Sirius tried not to slump against the wall in exhaustion. He'd nurse his butterbeer-- or a craft beer, if they went somewhere muggle-- all night, and hopefully no one would notice. His dreams of relaxing all night fluttered away. He'd need to hurry to get ready in time if he wanted to eat first, and he didn't really have the option of skipping a meal anymore. He kept himself from stomping as he went up to his room, but he wanted to.
It used to be that he would've told James he didn't want to go tonight, and it would've been fine. It also used to be that they were just mates, not boyfriends, and that's when everything had changed. The dynamic changed. Sirius couldn't whinge at James over every little thing anymore, because James would eventually split with him for someone happier. They'd always be best mates no matter what happened, but there was no such guarantee for their romantic relationship. The way he acted when they were just friends wouldn't cut it anymore. He'd needed to change if he wanted to keep ahold of James, so he'd changed. Tamped down on the complaints that he didn't want to go anywhere tonight, didn't tell James that he thought the new sofa was a hideous colour, and he tried to make himself as agreeable as he could.
He loved James too much to lose him to something as stupid as him having a poor day in the potions lab. He'd been more tired than this before, and he'd gotten through it. He'd get through this, and it would be easy, because when they went out for drinks these days, James always put an arm over his shoulders or around the back of his chair and was free with his affection. He was always free with his affection, but it would get Sirius through tonight.
Sirius should've known to expect something when he saw that James was cooking a veritable feast for tea, but he hadn't.
He didn't know that there was anything to expect at all until it was happening. James took his hand, looked at him all earnesty and wide eyes, and asked, "Would you like to move in with me? Officially?"
Sirius felt like he couldn't breathe.
"I mean, y'know, in the same room. Same bed. Our wardrobes side by side instead of always walking across the hall when you need clothes." It was the same way that James asked him everything: expectantly. He was nervous, yes, but he also knew what answer he was going to get. He wouldn't have asked if he thought Sirius was going to say no.
Sirius looked at him, at the smile and the hopeful gleam in his eyes. At the love. It was obvious. He loved Sirius. He loved him, but their relationship wouldn't survive if Sirius said no. They'd try to keep dating because a 'not yet' didn't mean a lack of love, but James liked commitment and if Sirius said no right now, then he'd think, in the back of his mind, that there wasn't a future for them. There was no way of Sirius telling him no and getting to keep him in the long term. And Sirius did want him in the long term, but that didn't mean he was prepared for them sharing a room, just the two of them and no one else. Living together in the house wasn't the same, and living in the dormitory sure as hell wasn't the same.
He forced a breath in, carved out a smile, and said, "I'd love that."
James's smile got impossibly brighter, and he hugged Sirius.
Sirius wondered if this was the sort of impending doom that people felt when they knew they were about to drown. The difference, he supposed, was that he knew he could keep treading water for a while longer.
The first time he thought that maybe he shouldn't be lying to James like he was, came when Marlene asked him how he was, and instead of giving his friend an honest answer, he said, "Fine." It's how he answered James every time he asked, after all, since he knew that James wasn't going to be interested in listening to his boyfriend whinge for an hour every single night about all the problems he was having. An hour wasn't an exaggeration, though he wished it would be otherwise.
"How are things really?" Marlene asked.
"Bloody horrible. You'd expect grown arse people to know that a 'Do Not Touch' signs mean that they shouldn't touch it."
"You would expect that," she agreed.
"And you'd be wrong. Or perhaps that all of these sodding so-called professionals could use their assigned workspace without getting in each other's business. You might also think that they wouldn't needle at each other like they're thirteen, and yet I hear more name calling now than I did back at Hogwarts."
"Oof, sorry to hear that, mate. You want to get a pint when you get off?"
He looked at her, startled. "You want to listen to me complain?"
"Er, yeah? Over butterbeer and chips unless you've got an objection to it."
"No, that sounds great."
"Cool, I'll meet you by the fountain in the atrium."
"Yep, see you soon."
That's when he started to think that maybe he'd taken the whole not-wanting-to-lose-James thing too far. Marlene was more than willing to listen to him whinge because they were friends. Him and James were friends, too. It's part of why they'd gotten together. It used to be that Sirius could complain about one topic for two hours straight, and it never bothered James. Had the rules really changed that much when they started dating? Or had he gotten paranoid and insecure?
He had good reason to be insecure, in his defense. James could do much better than him, and he was well aware of that fact. Maybe he'd been a touch paranoid, though. After all, James had already known that he could do better when they got together, and he hadn't let that stop him.
No. Sirius shook his head. They'd gotten together their last year of Hogwarts. That was before James started playing Quidditch professionally and all the screaming, adoring fans that came with it, and it was before he'd started to truly grow into his features, transforming him from cute to one of the most fit people that Sirius had ever seen.
Marlene had to deliver sensitive missives by hand sometimes, and apparently, whatever was in this envelope warranted an in-person visit to the coach of Puddlemere. She had to wait for a response, so she handed it off, then went to say hello to James.
"Hey," he said with a smile. Blimey, was he always smiling? He was every time she saw him, she felt. "How's it going?"
"Another exciting day of pushing papers," Marlene said dryly. "You?"
He shrugged. "No complaints."
"I wish Sirius felt the same. With all those problems he's having in the labs, I'm surprised he hasn't taken some holiday time."
"What problems?" James asked.
Marlene noted, without much victory, that he wasn't smiling anymore. "Oh, just the stuff with his coworkers."
A pause, and then he said, "Right," dully.
It was obvious that he didn't know what she was talking about, and she shifted her weight awkwardly. She got along better with Sirius than she did James, so she didn't really know what to do. She hitched a thumb over her shoulder. "I'm gonna see if he's done."
James nodded, and she fled.
That night, when Sirius got home, James gave him a kiss hello and asked, "How was work?"
"Fine," Sirius answered, like he always did.
Did he actually always say that? James tried to think of a time when he gave a real answer, with details from his day, but he drew a blank. When he first got the job, he'd shared the parts that he was excited about, but that had been over a year ago. More like two years, now that he thought about it. "How was it really?" James asked, nudging him with a teasing smile.
"Really, it was fine," Sirius said, responding to James's nudge with one of his own. "How about you? How was your day?"
"Fine," James answered.
He raised an eyebrow disbelievingly. "Just fine?"
"What, it works for you, but it doesn't work for me?" It came out much more bitter than he'd thought it would. There was a flash of surprise on Sirius's face.
"I- well, I just meant- you always have something to say."
"Maybe I don't today," James said, turning around and walking back to the kitchen-- where he'd been when he heard the door open, signalling that Sirius was home. He felt bad about brushing him off, but he didn't know what to do. He'd always thought that Sirius didn't lie to him, and now he was learning that that wasn't true. He needed time to think. And to wonder what else Sirius might have lied about, because he wasn't sure he believed that this was isolated to work stories.
James thought about it. He thought about it and thought about it until he felt he was going in circles. There was no definitive way to know why Sirius lied to him unless he asked, so he was going to have to ask. He didn't want to have to ask. He didn't want to look Sirius in the eye and ask where things had gone wrong. Unfortunately, he cared more about their relationship than avoiding the question and the difficult conversation that would follow, so there was no real choice to it at all.
He waited until the weekend, because the last thing he wanted was to upset Sirius when he had to pull it together in time for work the next day. Doing it on Saturday gave him time to recover. If he needed to recover. Merlin, James hated this. They'd never had big issues before. They'd never had to do this, and he had no idea how he was going to handle it. Or how to go about it, really. Did he blurt it out? Did he try to lead up to it? And if he led up to it, how was he going to do that? He didn't exactly have experience in this area.
When Sirius put aside the books-- something from work, but James didn't know what-- James took that as a sign that he was taking a break. "Hey, can we talk?" James asked.
"Sure," Sirius said, but he looked tired, rubbing at his eyes. He sunk back into his seat, practically moulding against the cushions. It didn't look like he much wanted to be doing anything right now, but he'd said yes, so James was going to go ahead with it.
"Your, erm, work."
"Yeah, what about it?"
James twisted his hands together. "Why do you always tell me that it's fine when it's not? Marlene dropped by the pitch during practice the other day and mentioned how many problems you were having, and I just... I stood there like a berk that didn't know anything about my boyfriend's life."
Sirius went still. He took a careful breath in and released it, eyes closing like he needed a couple seconds to ground himself.
James gave him that time and waited patiently for a response. He'd had time to mentally prepare for this conversation, but Sirius hadn't.
"All I have are complaints," Sirius said. He wasn't looking at James as he said it. "I didn't want to whinge about work every single day for hours. I know it would bore you."
"Would it? And even if it did, so what? I complain about my team to you all the time, and you always listen."
"Right."
"I thought it was... I dunno, part of being in a relationship or summat. You never had a problem telling me about your day when we first started living together."
"When I was sixteen?"
"Yeah, but does that really matter?" James asked, frowning.
"We weren't together back then."
That didn't explain anything. "So?"
"So the rules are different."
"What rules?"
"Of how we can be around each other."
"I wasn't aware there were any rules for that, much less that they'd change because we started dating," James said. This wasn't adding up for him. "Was I supposed to be treating you differently than I have been?"
"No, you're perfect," Sirius said immediately.
James's confusion grew impossibly larger. "I- well if I didn't change, why did you?"
"Because we're... different."
"I'm aware that we are different people," James said slowly.
"I mean the rules for us are different."
"Again, what rules? There are no rules. We're muddling through this together." At least, that's what he thought. He was getting the impression that Sirius was coming at their relationship from a very different angle, and that worried him.
There was a long, telling pause, and then Sirius said, "Yeah, you're right. I guess I've been overthinking it."
It was a brush off. James's first instinct was to nod and assure Sirius that he overthought their relationship too sometimes because he wanted it to work out. After he said that, he'd turn back to what he was doing, feeling better about their relationship. There was just one problem with that course of action: Sirius was brushing him off. Sirius was redirecting it so that they didn't have to keep talking about it, which meant that there was something more going on. "Why don't you talk to me?"
"I was under the impression that we were talking right now."
"No, I mean, we don't talk like we used to. It feels like you just... agree with me so we won't argue."
Bingo. That's what it was. Sirius wasn't talking to him because he didn't want for them to fight.
"It's more than arguing, isn't it," James said, the situation piecing together as he talked. "You never disagree with me on anything anymore. Everything I want to do, you're up for."
Sirius looked like he was on the cusp of panicking.
James got up from where he was sat and walked over to Sirius's chair. Since he wasn't on a sofa, there wasn't room for him to be next to him, so he knelt down on the rug. "What are you so worried about? Why are you lying?"
For a few seconds, Sirius was silent. His eyes were wide, and he looked like an animal that had been cornered and was desperately looking for a way out. "I can't lose you," he breathed.
"Yeah, I don't want to lose you either, but-"
"No," Sirius interrupted, grabbing James's hand and holding onto it with a white-knuckled grip. "I can't lose you."
James blinked. Blinked again and hoped that it would make this make sense, but it didn't. "What do you mean?"
"You're everything to me. If I lost you, I couldn't-." He stopped. Swallowed thickly. His grip on James didn't loosen. "I'm trying to keep you happy. That's all."
"Telling me what's going on at work isn't going to make me less happy with you or our relationship. I'd prefer it if you were honest with me."
"No, you don't."
James went back to frowning. "Yes, I do."
"You really don't."
"Mind explaining that to me?"
"Yes," Sirius said, wrenching his hand back like he was burned.
"Sirius... come on, don't you think we should talk about this?"
"You don't want me to be honest."
"Yes, I do," James insisted. "I don't know why you think I want you to lie."
"So you want me to tell you the truth."
"Yes."
"All the time." Sirius's panic had mixed with a sort of hard-headedness.
James didn't feel good about it, but at least it felt like they were going somewhere. "Yes."
"Alright. That couch," Sirius said, pointing towards the sitting room with his eyes firm on James, "the grey one that you bought last year."
"You said you liked it," James said.
"It's hideous. You somehow picked the worst possible shade of grey to exist, and then you stuck it in a room where all the other neutral colours are cream. It looks like you sodding left it out in the rain for a month, James. It looks like dirt, and I hate it."
Well, he'd be lying if he said that that didn't sting a little. He'd liked the couch, but he had asked for Sirius's opinion before buying it.
"The only worse decision in the store was that greenish brown one that looked like it was dragged out of a sewer. Do you still want me to tell you the truth?"
"Yes."
"So that didn't hurt you at all?" Sirius asked skeptically.
"Of course it hurt. I bought the couch thinking that you liked it and that it was something we'd chosen together, but I prefer being told that you hate it than you going along with whatever I say. What else have I wanted that you didn't?"
"I don't-" Sirius stopped. His breathing went a little heavy. The panic was slowly coming back.
"It's okay," James said, keeping his voice low in an attempt to sound soothing-- he wasn't sure how successful he was at being soothing, but at least he was trying.
"I don't want to share a room with you. Not yet."
James felt like he'd taken a bludger to the stomach. All the air left him, making him feel weak and off kilter. "Okay," he said, his voice sounding awfully small. He put a hand on Sirius's knee and smiled up at him. "We'll move your stuff back across the hall."
Sirius looked like he was in the same state as James-- that is, on the verge of crying. "And you're alright with that?"
"I'm-" his breath hitched, but he pressed on "-sad, of course I'm sad. But I'd rather you live across the hall and be happy rather than stay in the same room as me and be miserable. I want us to share a room when we're both ready for it. Not just me. I'll give away the couch and we can go buy one that you actually like."
Sirius looked like he wasn't ready to accept it. Like he thought there was some sort of trick in the works that he needed to keep an eye out for.
"I want you to be happy. Us dating was supposed to make that better, not worse."
"I'm happier with you," Sirius muttered. He was looking down at James's hand on him now. He swallowed, his throat bobbing. "You could do better. I just- I wanted you to stay."
"There's no such thing as better than you," James said. "And we're in this together, yeah? This is how I want it to be. It's how I thought we were the whole time."
"How about this one?" James asked, looking down at the sofa. It was a lovely shade of red for the base colour, he thought.
"Please tell me you're joking," Sirius said flatly.
He looked up at him, smiling faintly. "Why, what's wrong with it?"
"How much time do you have?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Give me the abridged version."
"It was spots. I am not going to live in a house with a couch that has spots. Also it's too small. You're looking to replace the grey one, which was half a metre longer than this, and that couch at least fit properly in the room."
"Everyone's a critic," James grumbled, without heat.
"You only have yourself to blame for this; you wanted my opinion."
"And I'm happy to have it, even if I don't understand what your hatred of spots is."
"You asked for the abridged version," Sirius reminded him.
"I know. Come on, let's go reject the next set we see."
"I'd love to," Sirius said, looping his arm through James's as they walked.