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"Sunghoon," A voice calls from his left.
"Earth to Sunghoon? Hello-o? Anyone in that pretty head of yours?"
"Park Sunghoon, Park Sunghooo—" A sharp jab to his ribs and Sunghoon's whirling around, jet black hair shielding his eyes. "I—!"
They are at the beach. 7 of them, finally, after all their schedules somehow aligned perfectly. It's the last week of summer; the last weekend is theirs. They decided a road trip would suffice.
4 of them are playing football in the sand. 4 of them, but Sunghoon's only got eyes for one. With his hunter green locks glimmering in the light, sweat rolling down his temple, darkening the sleeve of his white tank top. He's yelling something that melds into the late August wind. The waves batter against the jutting stones in a lulling, pacific lilt. Jake throws him the football, he jumps to catch it. Sunghoon's eyes subconsciously trail toward his midriff, where a flutter of skin is mercilessly revealed by the sudden movement. He lifts his gaze back up quickly, to fix himself on his tanned muscles, flexing as they move to meet the ball effortlessly midway.
Heeseung laughs, and Sunghoon thinks it's the next closest experience he can get of heaven. Completely letting go of his surroundings, his mind drifts off into soft memories.
.
.
There were those hazy summer days that had them sprawled out on the floor, melting ice cream sticking to their fingers, muffled giggles and soft shushing as they paid absolutely no attention to the program blaring from the old garage radio, softly humming nonsense. "I kinda like you," Sunghoon sang along to said radio, faintly aware of how Heeseung's cheeks pinkened the slightest. He almost missed the, "you do?" uttered from the older's lips. He's thankful he didn't.
There were those late nights up where the sky was a cerulean green, with streaks of pink like paint splatter, tire swing softly creaking as the glow of the fireflies flicker, incandescing around them. He's reminded of the low voice that softly ghosted along his skin, whispering the soft words I love you, you're perfect for me, I wish I could see your smile forever. He remembers the smile Heeseung wore just for him, the heat that rose in his own cheeks, the little nod he gave when the older man offered to drive him back home.
There was the first kiss, two summers ago. When they had agreed to spend the afternoon at Jungwon's old villa, when Jay and Jake accidentally cut the power to their gaming console and they had to run back downstairs to grab the extra; when Sunoo had the worst stomachache and Ni-ki blamed it on the expired melona ice cream wasting away in the freezer and they spent the whole afternoon running down to the bathroom too many times to tally; when Jungwon tried making red bean bingsu but he mistook evaporated milk for condensed milk and ended up going to the corner store to buy off-the-shelf bingsu; when they were the only two left in the room with the liquified melona and the faint static of the broken television; when somehow the older had gravitated toward the bed and they wordlessly reached for one another and hands found purchase on shirts and they pushed and pulled and pushed and pulled and—
He remembers how they found them exactly where they had been before, Sunghoon on the bed, fiddling with Jay's boxing gloves, Heeseung curled up on the gaming chair, softly humming along to the nothingness that sounded from his headphones. He can almost hear Jungwon's skeptical voice echoing in his head like he was reliving that exact same moment. "Nothing happening between you two?" And he remembers their slow, deceitful nodding and then Sunoo was clutching his stomach again and Ni-ki was piggy-backing him back down the stairs. Sunghoon didn't dare glance at the older again that day, for fear he would go through a thousand shades of pink in an uncontrollable daze.
"Sunghoon." A different voice this time. Familiar. He lifts his head up from where his eyes bored holes into the sand, eyes finding themselves lost in Heeseung's perplexed gaze. "Are you okay?"
Yeah, he is. He smiles a toothy grin, canines flashing. Heeseung's lips curl upward, and he pats down flat a blanket next to the younger. Sunoo glances at them from an umbrella away, softly scoffing as he lathered sunscreen on Ni-ki's reddening back. "I thought I told you to come to me before playing football with the hyungs," he gently chides. Ni-ki's childish whining is no stranger to Sunghoon's ears as he silently listens to the younger boy blabber on about how fun football is to play with the hyungs and how he beats them all on his own accord (and totally not because the hyungs go soft on him) and how he wasn't called the school football club's MVP for nothing. He subconsciously smiles.
"Who wants to go for a swim? Better go now before it's too late, and the sun goes down." Jake squints at the setting sun, moments before entering its last quarter of the day. He stares at Jungwon, Jay, Sunoo, Ni-ki and Heeseung before finally landing on Sunghoon. He waggles his eyebrows enticingly. "C'mon, you know you wanna," he coaxes.
Sunghoon looks to Heeseung, not knowing why. The older looks back with an unwavering expression. "Go," he mouths, and Sunghoon replies with the faintest of smiles. Then he's standing up and grabbing his towel from the chair and running out to meet his best friend, waning rays of the sun still strong enough to warm him after staying in the shade for so long.
"Shit, the water's cold," Jake swears as he bunny hops his way into the water. "Fucking gnarly." Sunghoon rolls his eyes at the familial dialect, dips his foot in, immediately recoils at the icy sensation.
Jake is already knee deep. "Come in! Don't be shy." Sunghoon laughs at that, puffing out his chest just a little bit because he's not shy, he's never shy, maybe in front of Heeseung he may be kicked down a few notches but he's always been filled to the brim with confidence. So he caterwauls himself in, yelling through the searing pain-pleasure icily piercing his hot skin. "Fuck, fuck!" And Jake cackles like the mean best friend he is. In the distance, he catches the sound of high-pitched laughter, turning around to see Jungwon screeching as Jay feverishly attacks his sides. "Stop! No—that tickles!" And Jay doesn't relent, he never relents because he relishes in the way he can make Jungwon's laughter twinkle resonantly in their ears.
"If that's not love, I don't know what is." Sunghoon jumps in the water, whirling around to see Jake's wistful gaze toward the shore. He finds it odd, how Jake's smile wavers, how his body trembles too hard for it to be just from the chilling spray. He doesn't dwell on it too much. Because Jake will be fine, he always is.
"Let's move," Sunghoon's teeth chatter from the cold, and Jake barks out a laugh. "I bet you can't dunk." His voice lilts teasingly, in a way that Sunghoon can't back down from because he holds his pride too high. He winks at Jake, takes a deep breath, and allows himself to fall under.
Big mistake. The water's seemingly colder, now that he's fully submerged. He focuses on his breath, slowly escaping from the bubbles that surround him. It's numbing, the frigid liquid creating a ring of racking pain around his skull, squeezing and prickling and Sunghoon wants to go back up to the surface where Jake will be waiting, congratulating him for actually accomplishing something in life.
And fuck, way to ruin a mood. Now's not a time to think about that now. It's the last weekend of summer, for fuck's sake. His eyelids feel hot. The pain is unrelenting.
And then Heeseung pops back into his mind, and Sunghoon feels the energy rushing back to his legs. He pulls up with a gasp, threading back his soaked hair with his fingers. He blinks, squints from the sun, the setting sun. He smiles at Jake.
Jake, who isn't there.
Sunghoon whirls around, eyes darting for any movement in the water. An ice cold grip takes hold of his heart, twisting and wrenching torturously as he wades around, calling out to him. "Jake! Jake? Sim Jaeyun, this isn't funny! Sim Jae—"
And suddenly a pair of arms wrap around his waist and pull him back under. He knows it's Jake, but that doesn't help the ring of throbbing pain regaining its hold around his head and the wasted worry put on his crumbling shoulders.
He coughs and splutters as he emerges, turning around to meet Jake with a glare. "Stop! That wasn't funny, stop laughing!" But Jake only bursts into more giggles, and Sunghoon's words are forced back down his throat. "Ha-ha," he spits out instead, deadpan as he turns around to wade back to shore. The sun's almost down, barely visible above the mountain peaks. Jake barrels into his back, slinging his arm around his waist again. "Aw, c'mon Hoon. Loosen up! I was only pranking ya, what, the Ice Prince doesn't like a little blague?" Sunghoon can't help but scoff at the comical tone in Jake's voice, icy demeanor cracking just a little. "Just don't pull stuff like that again," he reprimands, and Jake pumps his fist in the air as if he won gold in the art of friendship. "Bag secured."
"Whose bag?" Sunghoon stumbles into the wet sand, eyes flickering up to see Heeseung frowning at them. "This bag," Jake cackles and slaps Sunghoon across his ass, darting away before the latter can retaliate. Sunghoon's fists ball in frustration, toes curling in the sand, ready to get vengeance for his abused backside when a low, almost inaudible noise sounds behind him.
Heeseung's touch is fire, grazing along his sides, traveling inwards, sliding down to ghost over his waist, lips brushing the nape of his neck. "Heeseung," Sunghoon warns, because they're not alone, the 5 of them are a little ways away, they were out in the open. For the rest of the world to see.
Hands reach down to squeeze, and Sunghoon swallows the whine high in his throat. "Don't forget whose bag this is," Heeseung whispers before pressing his lips to Sunghoon's neck and tearing away, stony face immediately melting into a big smile. "Jay! Start the barbecue."
Sunghoon stays still, unflinching, waiting for his limbs to unlock themselves one by one before taking the first step towards the rest of the group. He had to get used to this, he realizes.
"Ah—" Sunghoon twitches violently, and a soft voice chuckles. "Stay still," Heeseung murmurs over his neck, baring his teeth just slightly before kissing over the mark, so faint but still present. It's hard to stay still when a whole being was pressing into your back, breathing down your neck, hands unable to keep to himself.
What's worse was that they still weren't alone. Some happy fiend decided to host a movie night at 11 pm, unfortunately. ("Because we can't end a trip without a movie night," Ni-ki whined.) Sunghoon doesn't want to think about the end, he doesn't want anything to do with the end, because he knows the end will always come back to haunt him, mock him.
He's learned that the hard way, it seemed.
"Heeseung—" Sunghoon bites hard into his lip as the older nips at a rather sensitive patch of skin. He twists around to fix him with a glare that only lets up when the older boy places extra pecks over the spot in apology. "Focus on the movie," Heeseung whispers, and Sunghoon fights the urge to advise him to do the same thing. He doesn't know why he doesn't.
"Ahgck—!" An embarrassing noise from his left. Jay bursts out in loud laughter. "What was that?" He rubs soothing circles on Jungwon's back, said younger having buried his head in his pillow. "J-j-jumpscare," he stutters, and Jay pulls him onto his side. "Yeah, real fun. Thanks, Ni-ki, for the lovely time you're putting us through." The said younger blows a raspberrry in response. ("You moron," Jungwon facepalmed when Ni-ki drew a horror movie from his pack. "It's double fun when movie night turns into horror movie night!" Ni-ki jumped excitedly. "Said no one ever," Jungwon whispered, but was quickly hushed by the younger.)
"Nooo!" Sunghoon perks his head up from where he was on the couch, straining to catch glimpses of the TV screen. Heeseung had (in)conveniently seated them near the very back of the tent, where Jake and Ni-ki now lounge on the beanbags not far in front of them. Jay and Jungwon are nestled into the couch on the left, and Sunoo, wearing specs, reading his book in the loveseat to the right.
Sunghoon pulls the blanket tightly to himself and breathes in through his nose, steady breaths. He tries to focus on the clouded, sulphury smell of the ocean spray, tries to listen for the calm waves crashing outside, tries ignore the tingling sensation traveling to his shoulder blades, the burning touches on his bare stomach, the possessive growl Heeseung gives when he bites particularly hard at a juncture between his shoulder and neck. "Love you," Heeseung mumbles into his neck.
"Love—" Sunghoon loses his breath as Heeseung suddenly licks over his skin, hands around his waist tightening. "Love you too," he whispers, winded, feeling Heeseung's lips on his nape spread into a small smile.
"You two there, in the dark," Sunoo suddenly says, without tearing his eyes from his book. "Shut the hell up and watch the fucking movie." Some snickering. Sunghoon wants to hide his face in his hands, feeling the incoming heat rise in his cheeks. Heeseung's nails gently graze his midriff, and he bites his lip to keep himself from emitting any insane noise. "Got it, captain." The older boy winks, and Sunoo scoffs. "You better have."
"You guys aren't being sexy in the back, right?" Jungwon's authorative voice calls. "There are children here." Sunoo raises an eyebrow. "Children, meaning Ni-ki and you, right?"
Jungwon splutters, and Ni-ki takes this time to obnoxiously pipe up, "Child? Me? I'm 18!"
"Yes, a child," Jake berates, flicking the back of Ni-ki's head. "Now hush, and watch your movie."
It's warm inside, so warm. Sunghoon unconsciously smiles, watching as Jake quietly shifts the blanket so that it fully covers the 18-year old kid beside him. His eyes trail towards Jay, who rests his chin on top of Jungwon's head, snickering at his utter obviousness. He catches himself, and belatedly realizes that what Jake said was right. "If that isn't love," he repeats under his breath, watching as Jungwon's fist close around the collar of Jay's shirt.
Then he peeks at Sunoo, whose specs slid down to the end of his nose, eyes darting over the words on the page, expression a mix of repressed excitement and nervous anticipation. Sunghoon's eyes drift over the title.
The Song of Achilles. Sunoo frantically flips a page, and his mouth suddenly unhinges. Sunghoon makes a mental note to borrow that book from the younger sometime, for it looks like Sunoo is enjoying himself immensely.
A piercing scream. Ni-ki laughs, loud and startling. "See? I knew the mom was gonna get decapitated!" He holds out his fist and nods when Jake bumps it with a frown. "Shush, child."
"Call me child one more time, and I'll remind you that you're shorter than one." Jake raises his fist at Ni-ki, who scrambles away, laughing. He bumps into Heeseung, and ogles at them. "Lovesick goons," he mocks before seizing Sunoo by the waist and flinging him into the air. "Agh, put me down! Right now!" Sunoo shrieks while scrambling to regain hold of his break in the book. Ni-ki complies only seconds before he roars playfully and barrels himself into Jay, who groans in pain. "My stomach!" Jungwon is startled awake, blinking rapidly before his face contorts into a frown. "S' the movie over?" He turns to Jay, squinting.
"No, go back to sleep," Jay whispers, guiding the younger's head back to his shoulder before glaring up at Ni-ki and gently shoving him to the side. "Behave, or I'm pulling the plug."
"Not the plug!" Comes Ni-ki's defeated wail. Nevertheless, the tent dies down, and they continue with the rest of the movie. Sunghoon stifles a snicker. Said snicker morphs into a shuddering whine as Heeseung nibbles at his ear. "Hyung," Sunghoon unconsciously blurts out, hazy mind causing him to slip into honorifics. He never had to use them; Heeseung never minded his name being called anyway, so it was no surprise when Heeseung faltered in mis movements, breathing down Sunghoon's ear.
"Hyung, I—"
"What did I say about shutting up and watching the movie?" Sunoo's voice is startlingly weak, even more so when it cuts through the heavy silence. No one points it out. The faint buzz of the movie credits roll, and Sunghoon looks up, seeing the faint glassy shine of the younger's eye under the lamplight. He turns to the last page of The Song of Achilles. Must be a tearjerker.
When Heeseung's fingers dip into the waistband of his boxers, Sunghoon finally gets up, turning to the older with a scandalized look. The older boy only smiles. He doesn't utter a sound. His silence speaks a million words and more. A telltale click, and the TV powers off. "Shit, it's 2 am. Fuck you Ni-ki, you said the movie was an hour and a half!"
Ni-ki smirks and shoves the disk back into his bag. "Little white lies never hurt nobody," he singsongs before scampering away, leaving Jake to punch his fist into the floor below them. "Someday, guys. Someday," He grits. No one needs to ask. They just know.
Sunghoon wakes up to birds. Loud, obnoxious chirping, which is odd, because there are no birds at the beach.
No birds at the beach.
His eyes fly open. Grey ceiling looks smack dab right back at him. He sits up, flinging over the covers, a sick, sinking feeling settling in his stomach. No, no, no chanting steadily in his mind. His heart thumps loud, so loud it seems like the thumping comes from outside of him, ringing in his ears, shaking the ground, blurring his vision, twinkling stars swirling in the corners of his eyes.
"Heeseung," he croaks out. No response. The early morning sun gleams through the smudged window, a warm radiance contradicting his current situation. "Jake? Sunoo? Jay, Jungwon, Ni-ki!" His tongue feels heavy.
"Anyone?"
Then there's pain. Sunghoon holds his head, collapsing to the ground. Pain, so sharp, it's a crown of thorns lodged in his skull. Drops of blood singe the carpet. He doesn't know where the blood is coming from. He hopes he's really not wearing a crown of thorns this time.
"Please..." He whispers, pleading for nothing, anything. "I promised."
"You did." Sunghoon looks up. He turns his head slowly, recognizing the outline of his room; the cerulean green walls, the red boxing gloves slung over the frame of his bed. The old garage radio. The fingerprint-decorated jar, now empty but once filled with fireflies. The tire swing etched into the bedside table, streaks of pink and purple and red scattered all around it. So foreign yet so, so familiar.
"Hello?" No response. But Sunghoon would never make up a voice. He hoists himself back up, the ring of pain momentarily subsiding. A flash of gold. Sunghoon stares at the ground, frowning.
His mouth parts.
The Song of Achilles.
With trembling fingers, he picks the book up. Had he not noticed the book laying feet from where he collapsed? A squiggle of red stains the golden armor, engraved onto the cover. Sunghoon wipes it off. It doesn't come off. He tries his sleeve. His nail. A wet cloth. The squiggle remains unscathed. As he carefully positions the cover under the sink, he realizes the squiggle of red made out words, engraved into the helmet. Initials, rather.
K.S.
The book slips from Sunghoon's fingers in surprise, dropping to the bathroom tiles with a thud.
A faint crackle. A buzz, then a spark of electricity. "And you'll always know...I kinda like you...from head to toe...there's no other you than you..." It's coming from the radio. Sunghoon steps toward his bedroom, step after trembling step. He reaches for the knob on the radio, turns it off. It doesn't turn off, but instead syncs into another radio wave.
"Dont kill me, just help me run away..." Sunghoon frowns.
"From everyone, I need a place to stay..." Then something in his brain clicks.
"Where I can cover up my face," Sunghoon whispers as he slips back into the covers, The Song of Achilles in tow.
"Don't cry, I am just a freak."
Tears unknowingly slip from the corners of his eyes. He misses him, he misses all of them. The memories, the summers.
He wants him back, he wants them back.
He's going to find them, and he's not coming back until he does.
"...I dream of you almost every night..."
"...Hopefully, I won't wake up this time."