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"I am Skystar, leader of RiverClan!" yowled Skykit, charging at her brother.
Blackkit puffed up his kit-fluff. "No! I'm on your side. I can only be RiverClan," he mewed, lashing his tail.
"I'll be the enemy," offered Leopardkit.
"Okay. Leopardkit is the evil Leopardclaw, and Blackkit can be my deputy, um... Blacktail!"
"I'm black all over, it's not just my tail," he protested.
"That's not what it means!"
"Yes it is!"
"No, it's not! Look - let's go ask Shimmerpelt!"
Blackkit scrunched up his nose. She knew he knew that he was wrong. "No, fine... I'll be Blacktail."
They launched back into their game, with Skystar leading the charge against the evil Leopardclaw. Together she and Blacktail did their very best to herd their enemy towards the 'gorge', swiping with their paws and rearing up on their hind legs to make themselves even bigger opponents.
Leopardkit slipped a back paw in the water and screeched. "Ew!"
Purring, Skykit leaned down and licked the damp paw. "It's just water, it won't hurt you!"
The strange golden-spotted kit wiggled her back toes and stamped her paw about, spraying the ground with tiny drops of water. "I don't like it."
"When you're an apprentice," Skykit warned, "you'll have to get used to the water!"
"Never!"
"You will!"
"Only if you won't be apprentices without me," mewled Leopardkit.
"We can't stay in the nursery for two whole moons for you!" Skykit chattered in amusement. "You'll just have to share a nest with Sedgekit, Reedkit, and Loudkit. It won't be long before we're all apprentices together!"
"Leopardpaw! Leopardpaw!"
Skypaw joined the chanting of her foster sister's name, waiting until after Mudfur and Whitefang had moved away before charging over. She pounced on Leopardpaw, giving her a firm lick. "I told you it wouldn't be long!"
"You left me in the nursery all on my own," Leopardpaw mewed.
"It's only been two sunrises since the other kits were apprenticed! You should have been apprenticed with them." Skypaw didn't understand why she hadn't been. Maybe Mudfur hadn't thought she was ready? Hailstar must have agreed... or maybe they knew when each kit was born and made sure they really were six moons! Leopardpaw did look a little small for an apprentice, and she still didn't like paddling.
Blackpaw padded over. "Great, now we have to nest with her snores again?" His whiskers twitched as Leopardpaw swiped at him. "I'll have to sit on you until you shut up again!"
The three of them purred, breaking off as their mentors called for them.
"You should be a warrior already," Leopardpaw meowed, eyeing the newly-named Blackclaw as he trotted into camp, his tail held high and his eyes sparkling with glee.
"Blackclaw deserves his warrior name. I didn't finish the fishing assessment properly," Skypaw said. She tried not to let it bother her. It hadn't been her fault that she'd fallen in and scared all the fish away - the ice had been slippery and she'd been scared by the sight of a ThunderClan warrior on the other side of the river. But it wasn't their fault either. "Softwing says I can try again soon. They wanted to wait, but there are too many apprentices now!"
Leopardpaw shifted her paws. "You should be a warrior with him though."
She shook her head. "I'd rather do it right myself. I don't want to be a warrior because I might be good enough... I need to prove it! And he doesn't deserve to be held back."
Padding away from her sister, Skypaw tried to believe she was right. It didn't feel fair that her littermate was a warrior already, but then it hadn't been fair that Leopardpaw would be alone again. Maybe she should stay an apprentice for longer.
"I can do that, Leopardpaw!" Skyheart yowled, racing across the island to bat the apprentice aside. A moon had passed since Sedgecreek, Reedtail, and Loudbelly had been named warriors, leaving her sister behind once again. She'd tried to not be a warrior too soon, but Softwing had been determined to make her a warrior.
Leopardpaw glared at her. "I'm fine! I can do it!" The large bundle of moss beside her had hardly dwindled since well before sunhigh.
"You should be out fishing," she insisted. "Let me do it. Whitefang is about to go on patrol, make him take you with him."
Her sister hesitated. "But I have to change the bedding."
"You change the bedding every quarter-moon by yourself!" She shook her head. "I'll do it today. Most of the warriors will complain and fetch their own anyway. Let me. I mean it. You need to fish more, not stay stuck in camp."
It didn't take much persuasion. Leopardpaw ducked her head in gratitude and raced off to meet with her mentor.
"You shouldn't have done that."
Skyheart turned to face Blackclaw. "Why not?"
"She's an apprentice. She's meant to do apprentice duties. You're a warrior, so leave it to her."
"Leopardpaw doesn't deserve to have to do everything on her own," she argued. "Just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean no other cat should."
He flicked his ears. "We did duties as apprentices. Now that we're warriors, we don't need to."
"When we were apprentices, we had three litters' worth of apprentices. Leopardpaw is on her own. Stop looking down on her!"
Blackclaw bared his teeth but dipped his head.
A great yawn caught her as the sun set. Skyheart flicked her tail, draping it across Leopardfur's back. Now that the three of them were warriors, they had a den to themselves. They could have stayed with Shimmerpelt, but once Piketooth had left the medicine den and rejoined her it felt crowded. It had taken all three of them to make the den, but now it covered them from the rain with hardly a drop dripping through.
"Stop moving your tail," grumbled Blackclaw, pushing one of his hind paws in her face.
She nipped his toe-fur in warning, causing him to jerk his leg back and disturb Leopardfur's sleep. The she-cat raised her head and eyed them warily.
"It's her fault," their brother muttered.
"You're the grumpy one who has to take up all the room!"
"Pair of pikes," Leopardfur joked, wrapping her tail around herself. "I hope one of you gets a mate and makes a new den soon!"
Skyheart feigned a dramatic gasp. "I'd never leave you."
"You always leave me," she replied, though the humour in her voice was obvious.
"I'll kick you both out if you don't stop talking," Blackclaw snapped.
She was the first to leave. Her belly swelled with kits seasons later, though she hadn't left their nest to join Reedtail. Guilt clouded her insides every time she so much as thought about leaving her littermates behind, especially with Shimmerpelt now in the elders' den and Piketooth had joined StarClan.
"You'll be a great mother," Leopardfur mewed. "I'll bring you prey every day."
"I'm not going to the nursery yet!" she protested. Kits hadn't been on her mind. Her ambition to be leader had never left her, and kits were a surprise. Crookedstar wasn't going anywhere, she reasoned. A moon of expecting and six moons of the nursery wouldn't hold her back.
"You should soon. You look like a carp!" Blackclaw teased.
She swatted him on the muzzle. "You can go catch me one as an apology now."
He rolled his eyes and flicked his tail, but wandered off, leaving them alone.
Skyheart turned to her sister. "What if..." she started, then remembered. How could she voice her fears, knowing that Leopardfur had lost her own mother?
But it seemed the she-cat knew her thoughts already. "Mudfur will look after you."
It had been her last patrol. One more before she joined the nursery and made herself a new nest. Everything had gone wrong.
Her sides stung from the wounds the ThunderClan cat had given her. Despite the poultice, pain pounded and throbbed with every heavy breath. Three sunrises had passed yet the pain remained.
Leopardfur licked her ears. "Did Mudfur say how long you'll stay in here?"
The medicine den was cold. It shouldn't be. Or maybe she's hot. "Until he can be sure there will be no infection."
"You'll be back on your paws soon," Blackclaw mewed dismissively.
"I hope so."
It was twilight when she lost the kits. Not all of them, Mudfur said, but two. Blood still swallowed up her senses. Every time she looked at her tail she saw it cake her, though she knew it was clean. She hadn't been able to look Reedtail in the eyes when he visited her.
She nuzzled into her brother's chest, letting his warmth be her focus.
"I'll claw Whitestorm's ears off and rip apart his tail," Blackclaw swore.
"It wasn't his fault. He didn't give me the infection..." How could any warrior expect this? How could any cat mean for it to happen?
"ThunderClan shouldn't have been on our territory," Leopardfur mewed. "It's their fault."
She couldn't say anything. How could you tell your strongest supporters that you thought they were wrong?
"I'll get you water." Leopardfur got to her paws and left the medicine den.
Licking her ears, Blackclaw rested his head upon hers. "I'll keep you safe. I won't let anything happen to you."
There were three kits. Now there were none.
The miscarriage had been difficult, but the blood had been the worst. She could hardly make out the shape of her poor kits, who'd never taken their first breath.
But the labour was worse.
Pain and effort had strained her body as she fought to push through her contractions. Skyheart had yowled until no prey would come near camp, screeched in the night in her effort to birth this kit, the one who had survived her infection.
Mudfur buried the kit for her. Stillborn. She heaved a sigh as her wails finally stopped. Reedtail kept Blackclaw and Leopardfur from visiting her. She couldn't see any of them. Guilt gnawed at her worse than any pike.
By the time Mudfur allowed her to leave the medicine den, she knew nothing would ever be the same again.
Infection had kept her beneath the willow tree for even longer, bringing her to leaffall far too soon. She'd spoken to Mudfur and Crookedstar, and understood her options. She would be too weak to survive another vicious infection. Another fight could kill her.
Crookedstar announced her intent to join the elders.
"What?!" Blackclaw yowled. Fury painted every glint in his eyes. "She's a warrior!"
And Skyheart had slunk away, too tired to fight with her brother.
Leopardfur caught up with her. "Is this what you want?"
They were plain words, but they sparked a fire inside of her. Skyheart whirled around. "Want? Do you think I want any of this?" she hissed. "If I go back to being a warrior, I might join StarClan at the slightest scratch! If I join the elders, I'll be joining my own mother! None of this is what I want. But at least I won't join StarClan yet."
Her eyes flicked to Reedtail, pride and love and desperation filling her heart. She could live for him, so he wouldn't have to endure more loss.
There is always pain. Sometimes it settles. As she slid into the river, Skyheart smothered the pain with soothing water. Only the water helped. Mudfur could give her all the herbs he wanted but the pain always returned.
"You're always so relaxed in the water," Leopardfur remarked, splashing a bit of water over her. She stayed on the edge, of course. Long gone were the days she wouldn't touch water at all, but even now she remained on the riverbank, only getting her fur wet when she must. Skyheart admired her for trying all the same.
"It's the only time I feel at ease," she admitted.
Blackclaw nudged her from behind. "You should help teach the kits to swim. You'd like that."
She wouldn't. Whitekit, Mosskit, and Greenkit were her kin yet she could hardly look at them.
"They're your kits. You should teach them to swim," she replied.
Blackclaw said nothing. He avoided the subject almost as much as he ignored his kits.
"I'll groom you after," Leopardfur offered. "Unless you want Shimmerpelt to."
She was teasing, and it helped, but it wasn't right. She was treated like a kit half the day and as a nuisance the rest. Blackclaw was always trying to find things for her to do.
He didn't understand that she couldn't do any of it.
"I told him he should have kits with another cat," she confessed. It felt like a weight lifting from her back.
"Reedtail was okay with that?" Blackclaw sounded doubtful.
"He isn't sure about it," Skyheart admitted. "He said he loves me, kits or not. But he can, if he wants. He should."
She couldn't give him any, after all.
"Kits aren't everything." Leopardfur's voice was guarded, but she wouldn't pry. Her sister's business was her own.
"There's no point having a mate if you aren't going to have kits," snorted Blackclaw.
"Stop it." Leopardfur glared at him. "Not all mates have kits. Love is a stronger bond than blood shared."
Skyheart closed her eyes, blocking out the sound of their argument.
Blackclaw stopped pushing her to the nursery, but it remained in her mind. Mallowtail's kits were fine. It was the youngest kit who haunted her thoughts. Heavykit was too young to play outside the nursery for long yet every rustle she looked over for him.
She wanted him to be okay. But she hated the sight of him at the same time.
"Is it jealousy?" Blackclaw asked seriously.
"What? No." She snapped her attention away from where the kit basked in the sun. The day held a rare warmth for leafbare.
"If you were a warrior, you could have been his mother."
She felt Leopardfur stiffen behind her. Pain shot through her abdomen.
"Leave me alone," she whispered. "Leave! Go!"
He did, though not without a snort.
"He's wrong," Leopardfur reassured her.
"I know."
"Don't listen to him."
"It's hard not to."
"I'll talk to him."
She said nothing. Slowly but surely, it felt like she was the one being left behind.
They didn't mean to leave her out. Patrols were the same as always - they never would have been on every patrol together. But she couldn't help the way her heart sank when they left together through the reeds.
Nor could she settle in the water when she saw them across camp sharing tongues. Even if Shimmerpelt or Reedtail were with her. All she could think was: when will they stop coming to see me?
Leopardfur was always the first to cross over. She would groom her fur and talk to her about the camp's goings-on. At most she probed about whether she felt like going for a walk. But when Skyheart answered no, she never pushed.
It was Blackclaw who continued to be insensitive. At first she attributed it to his usual sharp tongue and tough exterior. He'd never stopped arguing ever since they were kits. But now he was insistent: if she weren't a warrior, what was she useful for? Most of the elders had spent seasons contributing to the Clan, yet she hadn't. Not nearly as long enough. He drilled it into her head so often that she began to believe it more and more.
The pain never left.
When the water froze over it left her in agony, the cold seeping into her body and driving her wild with pain. She paced, she lounged, she stretched, and she struggled.
Leopardfur carved out a bit of ice for her to hold in her mouth. The chill gave her something to focus on.
"Shadekit and Dacekit will be made apprentices soon," Leopardfur mewed. "And Silverpaw will soon be a warrior."
"Stonefur's kits will struggle with apprentice duties," she purred through the ice.
"If we have any more kits in camp, we'll need more than two apprentices."
It was a casual suggestion. She knew it was.
Skyheart dropped the ice. "Please don't."
"I'm sorry. It's just..." Leopardfur scratched the ground. "Seeing you like this is uncomfortable. You were going to be RiverClan's next leader, but now you're..."
"Useless. I know." Her tone was even flatter than she expected.
"No."
"He thinks it too." She jerked her head to indicate Blackclaw in the distance. "But he actually says it. Just say it."
"I don't think you're useless."
"You do."
Leopardfur growled, "You're not useless. You're just not yourself!"
She looked away.
"We just want you to be okay. We want you to be happy. We want you to be you ."
"I am me. I'm just different now."
It was a lie.
She watched Heavykit as he grew up, moon after moon, the reminder of what she could have had. What she should have had. Skyheart could hardly bear to talk to him, but she was polite. Reedtail and Petaldust deserved a strong kit. And he was.
He wasn't her kit, and that hurt.
But she wanted to be there for him all the same.
As leafbare gave way to the thaw and the river broke open she started to swim again. Leopardfur didn't join her. Blackclaw hardly looked at her.
They didn't notice when she helped Shadepaw and Dacepaw strip old bedding from nests.
They didn't notice her begin to fetch prey for the other elders on good days when the pain was rare or low.
They didn't notice she spent less and less time in the elders' den.
Her love for them beat to the sound of the water rippling against the island, yet she didn't voice it.
She saw them grow apart from her but she wished them well.
All she asked was that they didn't look down on her again.
It was never for them, she realised, as she set out from the camp for the first time in seasons, but for her. She collected fresh bedding as she used to but it wasn't to help Leopardfur and it wasn't against Blackclaw's demands.
It wasn't even for Reedtail.
She was doing it for herself. And she was at peace with that.