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James had everything planned out.
Absolutely nothing could go wrong.
Aside from the fact that, the letter he had written for Sirius, staying up all night and even consulting Remus, because for Merlin’s sake Moony, it has to be bloody amazing, had just fallen in front of one Lily Evans, sitting on the opposite side of the table next to Marlene McKinnon, and oh, Merlin, she was about to open it.
In hindsight though, he probably should’ve seen it coming.
He had had the perfect, most blissful month, one can imagine. Exactly a month ago, after the Quidditch game Gryffindor had played and won against Slytherin, he had kissed Sirius after pining for the entirety of year 5, the last summer and year 6, so far.
The kiss itself was more of a spur of the moment decision than a plan. They had spent more time in the field than necessary and Sirius had thrown his Quidditch uniform to the cheering crowd. By the time they had gotten to the changing rooms, everyone else had already left. One moment, James was gawking at Sirius’ Quidditch hardened muscles while the other boy was animatedly telling a story and the next James was pulling him by the nape and kissing him like his life depended on it. And Sirius had kissed him back! He had even rested his forehead on James’ and told him he had been waiting for that kiss for so long.
And ever since then, they had been exchanging furtive glances, kisses in silent corners between classes and faint brushes of their legs under tables.
They were yet to talk about the change in their relationship. So, they hadn’t told anyone. Except for Remus who, in their defence, had figured it out on his own. Even Peter was clueless.
“Really, Potter? A love letter? On Valentine’s Day? Could you be any more cliché?” Lily joked.
“I- I- no but- Lily, it’s not what you think.” James stuttered.
He heard the clink of a fork falling to the plate in front of him and saw Sirius’ dazed eyes focused on the pumpkin juice he was holding so tightly, his knuckles had turned white. It was surprising how well the glass was standing against Sirius’ death grip. His shoulders were tensed and brows furrowed with his mouth set in a hard line. He slowly retreated the leg that was faintly brushing over James’.
James could practically hear the pounding of his own heart. No, God damn it, this was all wrong. The letter was supposed to land in front of Sirius, not a meter to his right, how had he messed up the spell so wrong?
To his left, he heard Moony clear his throat, turning his attention, he found a wide-eyed Remus, just as confused as James himself.
He heard paper crinkling and looked back at Lily to see she had already taken the letter out of its envelope.
“No! Wait, don’t op-“ James shrieked but it was a moment too late. He heard his own voice reading the letter. Bit of clever magic had made it possible. And it was a great idea, if only Sirius knew the letter wasn’t intended for Lily, but for himself.
“To the prettiest Gryffindor I know,
Ever since the first day I laid eyes on you in the Hogwarts train, even before I knew how I felt about you, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. The soft waves of your hair, your flawless and fair skin, that gleam you have in your eyes when you master a spell that nobody else could...
You are in my mind before I go to sleep and you are in my mind after I wake up and every moment in between. I want to be the last person you see before you sleep and the first person after you wake up.
When I see you in the Common Room studying, chatting or even sulking, nobody might as well be there because all I see is you. When I see you in our classes, all I can focus on is you, I messed up my potions countless times because I was too busy watching you. So focused and genius and lovely and when our eyes meet, I actually understand what they mean by butterflies in your stomach.
And I’m so selfish with you. I want you all to myself. I get jealous of whoever gets to be around you when I’m not, I get jealous of the way everyone has their eyes on you and I even get jealous of Moony when you fall asleep on his shoulder while studying.
Everything beautiful you can imagine, I want to do all of them with you. I want to be the one to make you the happiest and the one who gets you out of every bad mood. I want to hold your hand and let everyone know about it. I want to play with your hair, with your head on my lap and listen to those Muggle music you like so much.
It may not come as a surprise after all these years but I love you. I love you and only you. I have only ever loved you and will ever only love you.
Please be mine and only mine and let me be yours and only yours.
Will you be my Valentine?
To the Brightest.
From James.”
The amused eyes of everyone sitting at the Gryffindor table turned to James, who was slowly sliding down to disappear under the table with what he could feel to be his cheeks on fire.
“Oh, James...” Lily said with a sympathetic voice and kind eyes. The letter was clearly written from the heart. And even though they had already established that Lily saw him as a friend and a friend only, it was obvious that she was moved by it.
Upon hearing the faintest sound of a hiccup, James tore her gaze from Lily’s and looked at Sirius, catching the faintest glimpse of his teary eyes before he left his seat and ran out of the Great Hall.
He was frozen in the spot with shock, watching the tiny mistake he must have made on the spell ruin everything he had planned for the day. He could feel the tears filling his eyes as they stared blindly at the empty seat where Sirius was just a moment ago.
“Bloody hell, James.” Remus held and shook him by the shoulders, forcing him out of his stupor. “Go after him, you git. I’ll tell Lily.”
James sprang to his feet and ran out of the Great Hall, eyes darting across the corridor for the sight of jet black hair. He internally cursed himself for forgetting the Map in Peter’s trunk.
As James made his way to the dormitories with a quick pace and racing heart, he stopped dead in his tracks. He knew Sirius inside and out, better than he even knew himself and didn’t need the Map to find him.
If Sirius fancied a chat he would go to the Gryffindor Common Room, a nap in spring to the Great Lake and in winter to the library and if he felt lonely and uneasy and pained, he would go to the Astronomy Tower.
With renewed vigour, James made his way to the Astronomy Tower, possibly crashing into multiple students while doing so and muttering incoherent apologies. But it hardly mattered, because when he burst open the door of the uppermost room, he found Sirius sitting by the windowsill with his knees pulled towards his chest, with tear stained cheeks and eyes wide open in shock to see James.
“You didn’t have the map.” He said with a raspy voice.
“I’d find you anywhere.”
“Go away, James.”
“No, Sirius. You have to listen to me, please! This is all just a big mistake!” James sounded manic and frantic.
“The public break up wasn’t enough, on Valentine’s Day no less, and now you’re calling everything we’ve had a mistake, ta, James.”
“Pads, please let me explain.” James kneeled by the windowsill.
“Explain what?” Sirius burst. “How you lied to me when you said you didn’t love her anymore? How it didn’t mean anything when you kissed me? What are you going to explain, James?” He looked away with tears once again falling down his cheeks a second before he rushed to wipe them, but not before James had seen them. “Do you not even care about me as your best mate anymore? Didn’t I, at least, deserve you to tell me before you declared it to everyone else?”
“No! No, Sirius. Of course, I care about you! I love you! More than anyone else.” James reached a shaking hand to cup his cheek but Sirius pulled away.
“Stop fucking lying! I heard it perfectly clear when the letter announced it to everyone how in love you were with Lily. Congratulations, James, she might actually give you a chance this time. I hope you live happily ever after with your pretty wife and two and a half babies. You could even adopt a dog! Replace me every way you can.” Sirius chuckled humourlessly.
James felt his heart tear into pieces. Sirius was everything to him. The person he wanted to be with whenever he had a bad day and the person he wanted to share all his good ones with. He wanted to hold and warm his cold, pale hands when it was winter and never let them go. When the summer heat showed its face, James wanted to braid his raven locks, just to have a reason to comb his fingers through them. He wanted to be the reason for happiness in those storm grey eyes, not sadness.
“Pads, you’ve got it all wrong. The letter wasn’t meant for Lily, it was meant for you. I wrote it for you!”
“What?” Sirius’ head shot up as he finally looked James in the eyes.
“I wrote the letter for you. All those words were meant for you, you pillock. I wanted everyone to know that I loved you. I charmed the letter to fly around and then fall in front of you but I must’ve messed up the spell somehow and it stopped by Lily. Ask Moony, he helped me with it.”
“What?”
“I love you, Sirius.”
“What?”
“I love you. Not Lily, you.”
“You do?” Sirius asked with a faint smile, a careful hope lightening his features.
“Of course, I do. How could I not?”
“You love me? As in, in love with me?”
“I thought we already established that.” James finally let himself relax, cupping Sirius’ cheek and pulling him close for a sweet kiss, sighing contently when Sirius kissed him back.
“James?” Sirius asked as they rested their foreheads against each other.
“Yes, love?”
“I love you too.”
James grinned brightly and pulled Sirius up on his feet and held his hand.
“I think we have a correction announcement to make in the Great Hall.”
Sirius threw his head back and gave a full-bodied laugh as he let James drag him out of the tower.
“Oh, and James?”
“Yes, Pads?” James looked back at Sirius to find a mischievous grin on his beautiful face.
“I will remind you of this every time you say you’re better at charms than I am.”
James couldn’t hold back his laughter.
“I can live with that.”