Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“‘Suma?”

Xisuma doesn’t respond. 

“Why did you just give me ownership of the server?” Xev asks. 

It wasn’t like Xisuma giving Xev admin was a small thing. That had been a huge conversation months back. Why would Xisuma give him ownership without so much as a heads-up?

Xisuma mumbles something.

Xev raises an eyebrow, but Xisuma isn’t looking at him.

There’s silence for far longer than is typical between the brothers. 

“Come on then, Xev.”

“What?”

“Do it,” Xisuma says, presumably referring to whatever he mumbled.

“Do… Do what, ‘Suma? You’re kind of scaring me,” Xev says, trying to hit a sarcastic tone, but not quite getting past genuine concern.

There’s another long pause. Xisuma wraps his arms around himself, shivering despite the temperature regulation built into his armour. Xev steps closer, reaching out to put a hand on Xisuma’s shoulder. 

Xisuma jolts at the contact, spinning to face his brother with a sort of crazed look.

“Ban me,” Xisuma demands.

“What?” Xev takes a step back in shock. 

“I said, ban. Me.” Xisuma grabs Xev’s wrist.

“No, Xisuma, why would I do that?” 

“I deserve it,” Xisuma says.

“Why the fuck would you- How could you even think that you deserve to be banned?” 

Xisuma sighs, dropping Xev’s wrist. He turns away again. 

“‘Suma, come on. What are you talking about?” Xev lets the concern in his voice be heard. 

Xisuma doesn’t look back at him, typing on his communicator.

“Xisuma. You clearly need to talk. I know we argue, but I don’t want to see you hurting. Talk to me, please,” Xev urges.

Xisuma doesn’t respond.

“If not me, at least let me take you to talk to someone else. XB? Keralis? Joe?”

Xisuma stares at his communicator screen.

“Xisuma, you need to talk to someone.”

“...”

“Stop staring at that screen, you’ve gotta talk.”

Xisuma’s hand hovers over the interface.

“Quit it!” Xev shouts, and yanks at Xisuma’s shoulder to reach for the communicator. The sudden jolt causes Xisuma to hit something on the interface. 

And then Xisuma is gone. Xev growls in frustration, assuming his brother teleported away. Then he notices the communicator on the floor. 

Xev frowns, then looks at the place on the wrist of his armour where his own communicator usually stays. It’s not there, so that’s his communicator on the ground. Xev kneels down to pick it up, then stares at the screen in horror.

Banned Xisuma

Xisuma left the game

Xev rushes to unban his brother. However, he can’t force Xisuma to rejoin the server. Xisuma probably doesn’t even know that he’s unbanned.

He prays to The Void and every deity he knows of that Xisuma isn’t gone for good. 

Chapter Text

Xisuma floats. 

The Void was home to him and his brother long ago, and though it’s empty, there’s a certain warmth there. It’s as if a blanket is wrapped tightly around him, though he can move freely. 

His axolotl features are gone, having only been a product of the world.

Xisuma drifts for an unquantifiable length of time. 

He drifts, with only his own thoughts present in the void. He sometimes feels a slight pull to join one server or another. The pull is familiar, but nowhere near strong enough to take him into a server without him making his own choice to go there.

And then one day it is.

He truly can’t decipher anything around him, all he knows is that it's bright and loud and over all just too much.

He can’t handle it all, certainly not with no warning. He tries to shield himself from it all, eyes squeezing shut and hands clamped over his ears, kicking at anything he can reach.

Xisuma opens his eyes slowly, it’s still bright, but not nearly as bad as before. He can hear crickets chirping.

He takes stock. He’s tucked into a bed, in a room with wooden walls and simple furnishings. It’s night time, but still the light is hard on his eyes. He’s alone in the room. 

The room is familiar. He looks around. He recognizes the nightstand, the dresser, the posters on the wall. It’s his room, not one he built, not one he’s been in recently, but his childhood bedroom. After The Void, he and Xev had lived here, with a kind man who raised them as his own. Xisuma blinks back tears.

He stands up cautiously. His legs tremble slightly, but he steadies himself with a hand on the dresser. Xisuma keeps a hand on the wall as he shuffles down the hallway. He isn’t sure of his destination.

Luckily he doesn’t have to think about it for too long. Xev meets him halfway to the living room, and gestures for him to follow.

Xev leads the way to the kitchen, and heats up water for tea. They stand quietly as it steeps. Xisuma shifts on his feet.

Eventually the two of them are sitting on the couch next to each other, sipping chamomile. Xev presses close to Xisuma, but the touch is hesitant, as if he’s worried that Xisuma will break.

Eventually, Xev breaks the silence. “It’s been 468 days.”

Xisuma opens his mouth, tries to say his brother’s name, but only a hoarse, creak of a noise comes out. It occurs to him that he hasn’t used his voice in 468 days.

Xev sighs, then sets down his mug to switch to common sign language. ‘Don’t push yourself,’ he tells Xisuma.

Xisuma frowns and takes another long sip of tea.

‘Did you really think I would let you stay in The Void?’ Xev asks, eyes full of concern.

Xisuma looks down at his nearly empty mug for a moment, then sets it aside. ‘How did you bring me here?’

Xev frowns. ‘I had some other admins help,’ he explains. ‘Answer my question.’

Xisuma bites his lip. ‘Sort of.’

Xev muffles a frustrated noise. ‘We both know how bad it is to stay there. I understand if you don’t want to come back to the server, but I’m not going to let you stay in The Void. Stay here if you need to, but don’t go back there.’

‘You aren’t going to force me to go back to HermitCraft?’ Xisuma asks, seeming genuinely shocked.

Xev frowns at the last sign, then finger spells ‘HermitCraft?’ back at Xisuma.

Xisuma nods, then repeats his sign for the server name.

Xev tilts his head slightly. ‘Doc,’ he finger spells the name, ‘uses a different sign.’ He shows Xisuma what Doc uses to sign the server’s name. Xisuma stares. It’s a combination of three things- ‘Crab’, ‘Make’, and the letter X.

‘What’s the X for?’

Xev gives him a long look. ‘What do you think it’s for?’ he responds eventually, and Xisuma sighs. There’s another pause before Xisuma repeats his previous question.

‘So you’re not forcing me to go back?’

Xev raises an eyebrow. ‘Do you want me to?’

Xisuma makes a sharp noise.

Xev stares at him, waiting for a real answer.

‘I thought you would,’ Xisuma tells him hesitantly.

‘I’m not going to force you to do anything, other than stay out of the void.’

Xisuma knows what he means. The pair of them have a habit of needing a strong push to do something that’s good for them.

Xev takes a calming breath. ‘Look, you don’t have to decide now. Just think about it. They all miss you.’

Xev walks away with that, leaving Xisuma with his thoughts.

Chapter Text

The first thing Xev does is run to Tango. At first he wants to try to find Joe, but as he exits the area of his and Xisuma’s base, he remembers Tango also has admin powers, and is much closer.

“Tango!” he shouts as soon as he sees the red of Tango’s outfit against the wall of his base.

Tango looks up, spinning in a full circle before he actually sees Xev.

“Xev?”

Nearly slamming into the wall behind Tango, Xev skids to a stop. “Tango. Tango, Xisuma’s gone. I don’t know how to get him back.” 

“What do you mean gone?” Tango asks, clearly freaked out.

So Xev starts the first of many times explaining how Xisuma banned himself. 

The news of Xisuma’s absence spreads quickly across the server. Xev hates the way everything grinds to a halt, but at the same time it’s a bit comforting. Stagnation on the HermitCraft server is strange, some people stop working on builds or stop upkeep on contraptions, but others throw themselves into work. 

Notably, 16 days after Xisuma left, Xev visits Boatem. He’s nearly blindsided by the changes. Grian’s base is done. Beyond that, there’s buildings crowding the area, pushing the limits of the area, some barely outside of Cub’s canyon. All of them are in Grian’s build style, though there’s no regard for theming. Outside of Mumbo’s base, several half finished contraptions fill space between trees. Xev doesn’t bother making heads or tails of it. 

What rubs Xev the wrong way is that nothing has changed among the builds of the other three people. He wanders around Boatem for a while, then stops at the G-Train. He doesn’t expect it to be stocked, but maybe he’ll find Grian there. 

Xev doesn’t see Grian. What he does see is overflowing stock. Piles and piles of shulkers surround each car of the train-turned-shop. So Grian has been working here too. Despite all the worry that Xev is directing toward Xisuma’s situation, he finds it in himself to be worried for Grian too.

He knows he won’t be able to find Grian right now, so he goes to Mumbo’s starter base. When he enters the storage area of the tree, he sees redstone strewn around the floors immediately. Xev stands just inside the doorway, hesitant to navigate the mess, and knocks on the closest wall. From a corner, Mumbo’s head pops up.

Mumbo is disheveled and looks like he hasn’t slept in days, but it's an unfamiliar look that gives away the stress. It’s not uncommon for Mumbo to get excited and throw himself into a project for days without rest, but those were always passion projects. In the past, he would only stay up like this because he was genuinely too excited to sleep. But now?

Mumbo looks exhausted. He looks like he wants to sleep for the next week. The redstone on his face and sleeves makes him look dirty for once, where before it had always been an indicator of his passion. He sways slightly on his feet as he shuffles away from the pile of shulkers he had been rummaging in.

“Uh, hello,” Mumbo says, then coughs.

Xev tilts his head slightly. “Hey. When was the last time you slept?”

Mumbo winces. “I’ve been trying,” he dodges.

Xev waits. 

“It’s been, um.” Mumbo checks the date on his communicator. “Ten days about, since I’ve got more than a couple minutes of sleep at once.”

Xev sighs. Mumbo rummages around in a different chest and pulls out some sort of energy drink, which Xev promptly snatches away from him. “What do you think you’re doing with this?” Xev warns sharply.

Mumbo stutters for a moment. “I just- It’s the middle of the day- I thought, maybe- well, maybe since you’re here there was, maybe something I could…” he trails off.

“You can try to take care of yourself,” Xev instructs. 

Mumbo runs a hand through his already messy hair, taking a deep breath. “Okay. I just… well- Okay.”

“Do you know how Pearl, Impulse and Scar are doing?” Xev asks, voice settling a little gentler. 

“I haven’t heard much… I think Impulse has been with Tango and Zed more.”

Xev shakes his head. “Not with Tango, I’ve been with Tango a lot.”

“Oh.”

Xev sighs. “Look, try to take care of yourself first, then the others.”

“What about Grian?”

Xev raises an eyebrow. “What about him?”

“Well- You know,” Mumbo says. “Those builds appear overnight, I never catch him standing still. He’s… He’s hurting himself, Xev.”

“Hurting himself?” Xev echos, hoping to The Void that he misheard.

Mumbo steps off to the side and starts fidgeting with some little contraption. “I… He hasn’t spoken to anyone since- Well. I’ve seen him. His arms are covered in bandages, and- well, it could be that he’s just been building so much and gotten hurt from that, but…” Mumbo goes still.

Xev moves closer and puts a hand on Mumbo’s shoulder. Mumbo looks up at him.

“I’m really worried about him, Xev,” Mumbo says, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. “And- And I know that we’re not the- We’re not the ones you should have to worry about right- right now, ‘cause your- ‘cause X is gone,” Mumbo sobs. “But, please- I don’t know how to, to get through to Grian right now, and- And I really miss him, Which is messed up- because, he’s, he’s still here, and- but- I don’t know how to do this without him- I- I’m sorry.”

Xev pulls him into a proper hug, practically forcing the younger man to relax. “You’re not selfish for that, Mumbo. I’ll see what I can do.”

Xev sits at the top of a stack of scaffolding at Grian’s newest build site. Grian had flown off to gather resources, giving Xev the chance to predict where he could meet him.

Grian swoops in with a pile of shulker boxes in his arms, landing less than gracefully in the center of the building’s framework. Xev waits at the top, partly hesitant and partly testing how observant Grian is. Grian sets down the boxes, and sits on one of them. 

Xev watches as Grian stares off into the distance for a moment, then jumps down when Grian stands back up. He lands on his feet, ignoring the slight pain from the distance he fell.

“Grian,” Xev says.

Grian, to his credit, does make an effort to hide how startled he is. “H-hey, Xev,” Grian says, clearly aiming for chipper but falling painfully short.

It's late evening, and even with the sun barely setting, Xev can tell that Grian’s going to attract a huge swarm of phantoms.

Xev takes a moment just to observe Grian. His wings look dirty, which is never good. He looks exhausted, and sure enough, Xev spots bandages peeking out from under the sleeves of his sweater. Scrapes cover his hands, his jeans look like they’ve ripped farther than before, and there’s dried blood staining various spots of his clothing. 

“Do you need something, Xev?” Grian asks hesitantly.

Xev tries to meet Grian’s gaze, but Grian looks away quickly. “I need you to take care of yourself,” Xev says, keeping his voice even.

Grian shifts on his feet, grabbing his right wrist with his left hand. “What do you mean?” The question sounds… Xev can only describe it as both genuine and guilt-ridden. 

Above them, a phantom hisses. Xev looks up at the gathering swarm apprehensively. “Let’s go inside somewhere,” he requests.

Grian follows his gaze for a bit longer than should be necessary, before leading the way to his starter base. 

As they enter the small building, Xev notices Grian getting tenser. Grian takes a moment to shove most of his inventory into a shulker box in the corner, then starts to fuss with something in the kitchen.

“Why don’t we sit down?” Xev says, taking up a serious tone. 

Grian freezes for a second before he hesitantly takes a seat on the couch.

Xev sits in a chair across from him.

“So…” Grian says, clearly trying to break the silence. 

Xev doesn’t humor him, keeping his own mouth shut. He feels bad about doing it, but he knows if he stays quiet Grian’s avoidance will break. As much as he doesn’t want to use Grian’s guilt against him, Xev knows that it’s the easiest way to get to the point here.

“Um,” Grian tries again. “Why are you here?”

Again, Xev doesn’t respond.

Grian pauses for a second, then tries again. “I finished my base, did you see?”

Closer to the topic, but not there yet.

“Have you found anything out about getting Xisuma back?” Grian asks, starting to get desperate to redirect the lack of conversation.

Xev bites down on his tongue to keep his resolve.

“Xev?” Grian tries.

There’s a longer pause this time. Grian fidgets uncomfortably, squeezes his own wrist- Xev doesn’t miss the way Grian winces as he does so.

“Please say something,” Grian begs.

Xev hates it. Grian is begging not to talk about his problems. 

“Xev, I can’t do this right now,” Grian says- and there it is.

“Do what?” Xev prompts.

Grian looks up at him, immediately tearing up. “This,” he repeats. “I can’t sit here in silence with you, I don’t know- I can’t just sit here.”

Xev tilts his head, inviting Grian to elaborate.

“I have to do something, Xev, I can’t just sit and do nothing, I’ve gotta do something.” Grian stands up abruptly, paces back and forth in front of the couch a few times, then sits again. “I need to do something, Xev.”

“And what is that?”

“I don’t know!” Grian’s voice nearly hits a shout, barely low enough that Xev couldn’t call it that.

“Really?”

Grian stands up again. “I don’t know, I just need- I need to do something. I can’t be still, I just can’t.”

There’s still something that Grian isn’t saying, Xev can tell. “Are you sure you don’t know?”

Grian makes a frustrated noise. “I need- I want to-” he stops himself. There’s a momentary pause before Grian grabs his wrist again and squeezes hard. He flinches sharply.

“What’s that, Grian?” Xev says, barely a question.

“I- I wanna-” Grian swallows hard. “I cut myself,” he whispers.

Xev stands up and pulls Grian into a loose hug. “I know. You’re gonna be okay.”

Grian sobs into his chest, his whole body trembling in Xev’s hold.