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Tommy didn’t know how much longer he could take this. It was another hard night but it seemed to only get worse and worse second by second, and he did not know what he could do to stop it. He was feeling so helpless, so out of options, and it did not help a bit. It left him feeling as if he could not do anything, as if he did not have any control over his life.
And in fact, he had very little of it.
School’s been hard for him lately, the stress so overwhelming he found himself paralyzed by all of this. Every morning he contemplated whether it made sense to go there, whether it made sense to get out of the bed. It just all sucked lately.
And don’t take it the wrong way; he wasn’t depressed- it was just how unmotivated and tired school left him every time. How it fucked with him and his brain and sucked the life out of him just to leave him on the floor, helpless. Fucking hell.
And today’s been even worse since he had so much pressure on him. He had to do great, he had to, and yet he couldn’t even think of a reason why would it be so bad to just get a bad grade but he just felt that it would be the end of the world for him. Maybe because he studied so hard, maybe because of something else but it did not matter since there definitely was a reason.
And it left him so stressed, so fucking stressed that he couldn’t move. The only thing he could think about were the minutes that passed so quickly. He watched the hour on the clock change, staring at it so hard as if he could make the time pass slower. But it did not work, not for this minute, not for the next one and the next one and not even for the next one.
“Shit.” He whispered, putting his head in his hands. He couldn’t take it, he fucking couldn’t, he thought as he grasped his hair tightly. He pulled on them harder and harder trying to ground himself. He was in his room now and it was 3:45AM, it was okay, he was okay, he still had plenty of time, it was not morning yet, it was not.
But he still couldn’t feel it. Morning was just a few minutes away, soon his alarm will go off and he will have to get up. Soon, too soon.
He didn’t have time.
And that drove him crazy. He tightened the grip on his hair and pulled harder. He couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t. It was too much, too fucking much and it will only get worse and he won’t be able to do anything about it. He can’t stop the time, he can’t change the day of the week, he can’t cancel the exam, he can’t do anything about it. At this thought his grip on his hair grew only stronger and stronger and he could feel that he had pulled out some of his hair but he could not make himself care in that moment. He almost didn’t even notice.
The only thing on his mind being school, he grew more anxious second by second, and it was harder and harder for him to breathe. Why was he like that? He studied so fucking hard, he knew he could get a good grade with the knowledge he had but it did not matter with all the fear he felt. He was confident about himself but at this point he was not even sure if he will be able to take the test.
He was paralyzed, his breath faster and faster as he tried to catch some air but it was only getting harder to breathe. He wanted to laugh hysterically as he realized it was going to be his second panic attack this night but he could not manage to take enough air to do that, so it ended with him choking on his own spit. Tears were streaming down his face and it made the choking more intense, he thought he would start coughing up blood if it continued. He clutched his hand on his chest, trying to calm himself down, trying to make himself breathe slower but it did nothing really. Still worth a try.
He tried to look at the clock to assure himself that he had plenty of time, that it was okay but the tears made it hard to see the hour on it. He tried to get rid of the water in his eyes but it was coming back too quickly, it was a pain in the ass and definitely did not help with his anxiety. When he finally got rid of them enough to see and looked over to the clock, he froze. It showed 6AM in the morning and he felt his heart drop and his stomach started to swirl.
“No, no, no, no, nonononononooonononononononooNONONO! IT CAN’T BE HAPPENING” He cried out silently as he started hitting his head. “I’m so fucking dumb, I’m so dumb! How could I let this happen?” He whispered as he choked on his tears mixed with his spit. His hands only now stopping the hitting, falling to his side as his body went numb.
It wasn’t good, he wasn’t good.
“I have to get up, I have to go, I have to goIhavetogoIhavetogo” He repeated those words in his head like a mantra, over and over and over and over again. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t, but he had to, he really did.
He cried more violently as he realized he was not going to get up, he was not able to. He was so fucking dumb, how could he let it happen? He choked again and he couldn’t stop coughing, he felt as if he was going to throw up.
His body bent in half, finally moving a bit, so it was easier for him not to die from the strong coughing fit he had at the moment. He couldn't get enough air because of the coughs that were coming too quickly, one immediately after another. He hated how close he was to passing out because of that.
When he finally got a little bit better, he looked at the clock again, to see how much of the time he had to prepare himself to go he wasted but his eyes seemed to fuck with him again. He tried to wipe off the tears from his face with the sleeve of the hoodie he was in but it did almost nothing as the tears were coming back every time.
But he managed to catch a glimpse of the clock, just after he rubbed his eyes, and he couldn’t fucking believe what he saw. It was not fucking time to get up yet, it was still early, still the time he should be sleeping at. He laughed weakly, his breath trembling as he let out a sigh of relief. He got so fucking scared and for what? It was all so fucked up.
“Fuck me.” He laughed at his own stupidity, he could’ve taken his meds, he really could’ve, he would be sleeping now at least. None of this would be happening as he would be fucking asleep. But he was too paralyzed with fear to do so, if he went to sleep, the exam would just be sooner. He would close his eyes in one second, and in the next one when he’d open them, it would already be time to go.
He couldn’t mentally take it, but it left him with more time to overthink.
His thoughts being driven off a bit made it easier to calm the breathing down. He was still a sobbing mess but at least he was not fucking asphyxiating anymore and he counted it as a success. His whole body was shaking, but the truth was that it had never stopped since the very start of this evening.
He took a deep shaky breath and let it out slowly, it was okay, he was okay.
But he wasn’t, he was so stressed. He had no reason to, he really didn’t, but he could not stop the feeling of complete fear washing over him. It was awful and he didn’t know what to do. He couldn't even stop thinking about it, this topic always going on in his mind.
It was all just so fucking terrifying.
Everything went downhill this night, it started with school, but now Tommy could list a lot of things that he was freaking out about. It was so overwhelming, life was so overwhelming.
Why was he like that?
He couldn’t move, he just stared at the clock again. He couldn't help it.
He was staring so hard again, as if this time it was going to change anything, to change the pace the time was flying by, but it did nothing. With every minute that had passed he felt the fear rise in him even though every time he thought he was at his limit.
When his breath got faster again he decided he couldn’t do it anymore. He was feeling weak as hell, he barely was able to see anything as he felt as if he was going to black out any second.
He decided to call Wilbur.
The man was like his older brother to him, though he would never admit it. He said he can always hit him up with anything as he gave him his number and Tommy decided to use this option now.
Maybe he could help him, maybe he could make Tommy stop thinking, or at least stop overthinking.
He dialed the number and waited.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
“Tommy?” Wilbur’s raspy voice was heard from the phone. Suddenly Tommy felt unsure if what he called with was important enough to wake the man up. Maybe he could’ve just sucked it up and got over it, maybe he should’ve. But he couldn’t, and as he realized that calling Wilbur was the only option he could see at the moment, he decided to at least not waste the man’s time by being silent.
He took a deep breath as he prepared himself for talking in the state he was in.
“H-hey Wilbur.” Tommy answered breathing heavily, trying his best not to cry again, his voice shaking slightly but noticeably. He tried to clear his throat to sound a little bit clearer but it did not really work. He sighed quietly for no particular reason, it just all sucked and tired him out. Fuck.
“What’s wrong, kid?” The man asked carefully when he heard Tommy’s fast breathing on the other side of the call. He was getting pretty worried if you asked him. It’s not everyday when a kid who can’t talk about his feelings suddenly calls you in the middle of the night and sounds as if he was going to pass out from panic. It was pretty concerning, he’d say, and he could not help himself but be bothered by it.
“I-uh... I can’t sleep and I’m feeling pretty anxious I suppose.” The kid answered, his breath going faster at the very thought of what was coming in the morning. It was all fucking ridiculous, he would’ve thought he had already used up his daily limit of nearly choking to death from anxiety, but it seemed that apparently not yet. He clenched his fist trying to ground himself.
“Hey, breathe Tommy. It’s okay, just breathe.” Wilbur instructed him, and he tried to follow the man’s lead but it was hard, it was hard as hell. He did not want to disappoint him, nor wanted he to seem weak, but he couldn’t help it, it was getting closer to the morning. It was not good.
“I c-can't, fuck.” Tommy breathed out heavily. He tried to stop himself from crying but his trembling voice probably gave out to Wilbur that at least a few tears have fallen down his cheeks by now. “I don’t want to go there, Wilbur. I don’t, I really don’t, I don’t, I don’tIdon’tIdon’tIdon’t.” He started repeating it again, he couldn’t get out of this never-ending cycle, the never-ending mantra still sounding in his head.
“Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. It’s fine, you’re fine. Breathe with me kid, okay?” He tried to ground the kid by repeating his name. If he wanted to calm him down, he first needed to get his attention. He wanted to help him. “In and out, In, out, In, out. You’re doing so great, Tommy.” He said as he guided the kid through the breathing cycle and he smiled when it seemed to be working.
Tommy tried following Wilbur’s lead and it helped, breathing with the man helped, and he couldn’t be happier that he had someone like him. He wouldn’t be able to do it by himself, it would be a lot harder, and without guidance he would have failed miserably- and to be honest, he did before.
But with his friend on call with him, it was better. He felt better and he finally could breathe more clearly. He took a deep breath and decided to tell something more about the situation to Wilbur, maybe he could help him, see the situation from a different perspective and maybe give him a piece of advice. It would be great.
“It’s just school... I have an exam today and it’s stressing the shit out of me even though I studied for it for so long. I don’t know if I’m able to go there but I have to...” Tommy sighed heavily as he relaxed himself a little in his seat. Maybe talking it out was a good way of coping? He could try, he guessed. Nothing bad could get out of this, the worst case scenario was that nothing would happen so it was worth a try, yeah?
“It’s okay Tommy, take it easy man. You do not have to go there tomorrow if you don’t feel like you can. It’s okay to feel this way and it’s okay to miss school, we’re just human.” Wilbur tried to explain that to the kid. Really, if they were to be present on an exam while feeling like this... it just couldn’t end well. Wilbur was fortunately past this already, he had graduated his university some time ago, and he couldn’t be more grateful for the amount of free time he had now considering that his job was basically his hobby. But that meant that he could understand Tommy really well, he knew exactly what it meant to have pressure on you, and he knew how school could be the one putting said pressure.
He was pretty sure he was able to help his friend with this. Maybe he would teach him a few cool methods to calm down? Or maybe he could say a thing or two about handling the pressure and coping overall? If he met with Tommy, he certainly would do it, he would love to.
“But I- I have to take it...” Tommy responded weakly, ready to argue about the seriousness he saw in this situation. If he doesn’t take it today he will just be stressed about it for even more time. He would love to see the positive side of the situation, he will indeed have more time to study but he just couldn’t take it as a valid point as he already got to know that no matter how much he studies, he will not stress less. Unfortunately.
But maybe, just maybe, Wilbur was right? Maybe he shouldn’t force himself, maybe he should really take a day off? To be honest, he did not know how taking this exam today would end. Would he really write something with sense? Or would he be so stressed that his sheet would remain untouched? He honestly did not know and started doubting if it was worth the risk.
“But it’s not like it’s going to run off or something, Toms. You can take it at some other day, really.” Wilbur assured him calmly. He was so sure of his point here that Tommy slowly started considering it. Wilbur was always able to talk some sense to him, and maybe today was also the day he would do that?
Was he in the wrong here? Does he really need to take the test immediately? He didn’t, but he didn’t like running away either. It just felt as if he tried to avoid his problems and he was not a pussy to do so, he did not like doing that.
“But it’s like that everyday, just today’s a little worse cuz of the exam... Wilbur I can’t do it anymore, it is so fucking hard, man. I can’t.” Tommy said, trying desperately to get out of his thoughts. The exam was just the most intense situation he had lately, but really, he was so stressed about it all, it was not just some one-time thing.
School was too much for him sometimes and it just happened that the ‘sometimes’ is actually everyday.
He sighed heavily, why was it like that? Why was he like that? Other kids didn't seem to stress so much about it, some of them didn't even care about their grades. But here he was, acting as if the world was about to end.
But for him it really could, he thought.
He turned his attention back to Wilbur, who was silent for a second, thinking and searching his mind for a good solution. There were lots of them, but none really satisfying, he thought. Tommy needed something different, something that could help with pressure, preferably as soon as possible, plus also in the long run. Some optimal option.
And then he found it, and couldn’t really believe that it was not his first thought when he heard about the situation. He smirked to himself, almost laughing at his own stupidity, but stopping himself as he read the room. Was not the time for random laughing, he decided.
“Have you thought of online school?” Wilbur started sharing his idea with the younger. He was pretty sure Tommy will like the idea, he had lots of online friends that had been going to this type of school until they graduated and he heard a lot of good things about them. The only thing would be that the contact with his age-mates would be harder, but this kid could figure out a way or two to meet with them, he was sure.
“But isn’t it only for people who are over-age?” Tommy asked after a moment of thinking. He did know about the option, but wasn’t it only for adults? He was really confused as to why would Wilbur bring that up in that condition, because it would not be an option for now, he would have to wait, and considering what happened today’s night- waiting was not really appealing.
“Actually no. There are official online schools that you can attend instead of a stationary school as a minor.” Wilbur exclaimed, clearly proud of himself for thinking about this. He really wanted to help and it seemed that he was doing exactly that. He smiled slightly, he was glad that Tommy called him, because god, how would the night go if he didn’t? It was pretty early, after all, and the kid was already exhausted.
It was sad, he thought to himself.
He wished that he could do something right now, immediately, just so Tommy would feel better, but he knew it was not really possible. He knew he was doing his best, but he still would love to do even more for his ‘little brother’.
“Oh... but my parents wouldn’t agree, they don’t understand it.” The kid said after thinking for a while. Of course, it was such a cool idea, he would love to go to a school like that. Attending online lessons was much easier for him and he saw that through the quarantine, when they had to have classes online because of the pandemic. It wasn’t that bad to him, a lot of people did not understand it because they had issues with socializing during that time, but he did not find it extremely bad.
Of course, he hated pandemics because a lot of people died and a lot of people suffered, but online school was more a pro than a con for him. He had a ton of online friends and he had his ways of meeting with his classmates whenever it was possible. He managed pretty well, he’d say.
“We can make a list of pros and cons to show to your parents, maybe then they will actually think about it for real.” Wilbur proposed calmly, trying to show the boy support and an option out of the nightmare he felt. And it was actually a good idea. Maybe they did not really care about what’s happening right now, but they for sure would care if his grades were about to get better. Oh boy, and the attendance! They would for sure at least read it, so it was worth a try, maybe it would all go according to their plan?
That was really doable actually, the pros and cons always worked on adults as the only thing they took into account were real arguments and nothing else. And to be honest, he had a shit ton of pros in his head already, some cons too, because he had to make it look believable but he could rig it a bit...
That was an idea, a good one too.
There was a minute of silence from Tommy as he was thinking about the plan he had. He was pretty happy with what he had figured out for now because it meant that this work was not really difficult. He started seeing hope in all this, he started maybe seeing better days coming.
“Thank you Wilbur, I think I will not go to school tomorrow, the night’s been pretty rough...” Tommy said finally as he smiled to himself. He was happy with what he decided, he knew it would be really hard to take the exam today, it would be almost impossible, he felt. But instead he could just go to sleep now, he was tired as hell but the stress had been keeping him up no matter how bad his body wanted to get some rest. He can rest now, he can rest today, and he does not need to check the clock every fucking second to make sure he had not dissociated and lost a lot of time.
He sighed with relief, he really was overreacting about the whole situation, but for now he did not know how to cope with all the stress and pressure.
He was so glad he had Wilbur. He did not know how the night would go without his brother’s help, and to be honest he was not sure if he even wanted to know.
“Whatever works for you the best Toms, it’s okay.” Wilbur said reassuringly, a happy smile forming on his face. He managed to convince the kid to take a break and to be honest, he was proud of himself. He knew how stubborn and ambitious Tommy was, so it was really a challenge to get him to listen. But he managed, he managed and it was so worth it. “And if that’s the case, what do you say about meeting with me tomorrow? We could do fun things and get you a bit more relaxed” He offered as he had not forgotten about his little plan of helping Tommy. He had a few tips to share with the other, but now was not the time as it was really early, and the kid should be fast asleep by now, he decided not to keep him up any longer.
And maybe, just maybe, it was only an excuse to meet with his little brother. He wanted to see him again and show him some support in person, maybe ruffle his fluffy hair and just chill together.
“I’m so glad you asked” Tommy said happily. He would have lied if he said he did not think about that, he just did not say anything as he never wanted to bother Wilbur too much, but it seems he was in the wrong. It seems the other had always had the time for him and it seriously made him so happy.
He had someone to count on, he finally saw it.
He always saw his friends as people with whom he couldn't talk seriously, either because he was not comfortable or because he did not think those people were able to take anything seriously. But maybe he was just a bit too scared of opening up, a bit too scared to reach out, a bit to scared to even try, and he was so glad that today he decided to click the green button on his phone that led to the call. That was definitely an ice-breaker for him.
It will get better now, he could tell.
“Then it’s settled.” Wilbur exclaimed excitedly as he set the alarm for the morning. He could not risk not getting up, and taking the current hour into account, he did not know if he would wake up as usually. “Now take your meds kid, because I suppose you did not do that, and text me when you wake up.” He said, and Tommy got really embarrassed at that. Was he so predictable that Wilbur knew right away that his meds were left untouched? Or did he maybe say that from experience? He did not know, but it was still so fucking embarrassing.
He murmured something quietly as Wilbur laughed out loudly. The atmosphere changed a lot, it was completely different now than it was at the beginning of the call, and that was definitely a good thing.
“Thank you so much, I appreciate that a lot Wilby.” The kid said with honesty, and Wilbur just couldn’t hold back the wide smile that grew on his face. He was really happy Tommy got back to being a bit more lighthearted, that meant he was feeling better and he was really glad about it.
At first he was so confused, he got a call from the other in the middle of the night but he quickly understood the situation and honestly, he really appreciated that Tommy felt that he could count on him. They were pretty close, they talked a lot, and they knew each other well so it shouldn’t be surprising but Wilbur knew that it often was not enough to feel comfortable with talking about hard things. But even though they had never really had a conversation quite like this one, Tommy still had the courage to call him, and he was proud of him for that. He did a good job.
And Tommy felt really happy himself. It really got better, just as the older said, and he would have thanked Wilbur a million times more if he wasn’t so tired. His body, relieving the adrenaline he felt for all this time, gave up after all. His limbs felt weak and he could barely say anything that made sense, but it didn’t really matter, Wilbur’s got the message.
The older smiled at the kid’s funny attempts at staying awake to keep talking to him but he decided not to keep him up for long.
Mission completed with great success, Wilbur thought as he hung up after saying his goodbyes.