Work Text:
"White rabbit," the words were spoken out of Sapnap's mouth in a quiet mumbled only loud enough for him to hear. It was March first, the words being the first thing out of his mouth on a new month was meant to bring him luck, he hoped it worked. It was his birthday but that didn't mean much to him, it never had past the age of 5.
Sapnap never did anything for his birthdays growing up, life for his parents was too hectic and busy, and he was unimportant in the first place so, he faded into the background just like it was any other day of the year. His father always asked him what his birthday was when filling out documents for school or the doctor like it didn't drop a boulder in Sapnap's stomach every time he asked. His birthday tradition was not having one at all, and maybe that was a sad tradition but at this point he was over it, that's what he thought anyways.
Sapnap didn't mention his birthday to any of his boyfriends in the weeks leading up to it, he actually took an extra long shift today assuring Corpse he was okay with closing for the day. And he did that because he was an avoider as Dream would call it. When things were bad he walked away from them and didn't turn back until he was forced to, usually by a rough calloused hand gripping his shoulder and tugging him back through the rapid waters he chose to walk around in the first place.
"Morning sleepy head, good to see you're finally up." Karl's honey sweet voice filled his ears and soon he was overwhelmed with the weight of the boy draping over his body. He accepted the brunette's morning kiss like his head wasn't full of loud buzzing tv static. He was ready for today to be over.
He managed to grumble back a quiet, "Morning." Hoping to play off his dampened personality as just being tired. He rested his hands on the small of Karl's back and closed his eyes again, hoping that maybe when he opened them again it'd be March 2nd instead.
"No no, none of that you gotta get up." Karl sat up in his lap, tugging at the skin around his eyes lightly, trying to force them back open. He gave in easily and stared at the doe eyed man above him. "Dream made breakfast, he left a plate for you on the counter." Karl began sitting up, forcing Sapnap to do so with him.
Sapnap stumbled along the cold hardwood floors behind Karl, guided by the light tugging on his wrist. He allowed himself to be sat down at their breakfast bar, watching half awake as Karl placed his plate in the microwave.
"Morning baby." Warmth from familiar calloused hands seeped between the thin fabric of his sleep shirt into his skin. "Big day for you today, hey?"
There goes another boulder in his stomach. "Uh, yeah." Sapnap treaded lightly, waiting to see where Dream was going with their conversation.
"You're working a double today right? Closing for Corpse?"
A sigh of relief fell from his lips before he replied a simple "Yup." Allowing himself to lean back against Dream's warm torso.
"I'll throw an extra snack in your lunch for you then." Karl slid a freshly warmed plate of eggs across the counter to Sapnap. He gave his boyfriend a warm smile before turning around to rummage through their cupboards in a way that reminded Sapnap of a frantic squirrelled.
"Where is George?" He spoke up when Dream moved away from him, beginning to retreat back down the hallway to continue getting ready for work. He saw the blonde pause from the corner of his eye, watched him lean back so his voice could project down the hallway better.
"He left for work already, said he had to start early to prep for a meeting with a new client. Said he loves you though and to have a good double."
Sapnap nodded in reply even though Dream couldn't see him, then the blonde was gone out of his line of vision. He turned back to his eggs, shoveling in the last few bites as he watched Karl throw a mini hummus and carrot snack pack into his bag.
"Thank you." He spoke around a mouthful of eggs.
"Welcome." Karl walked over to him in 4 long strides, bag already on his back and keys in hand. "I gotta jet but I'll see you tonight after your double okay? I love you." He shoved Sapnap's face against his chest, squeezing his arms around the piercer tight.
"Love you too, have a good day too." Sapnap spoke into the soft fabric of Karl's overly large sweater, earning himself a peck to the top of the head.
"Bye Dream, love you!" Karl hollered as he pulled away, planting one last kiss to the top of Sapnap's head before heading to the door.
"Love you too hon, drive safe!" Dream's voice got louder as he walked down the hallway at his own rushed pace, looking as frantic as Karl had a few minutes prior. "And I love you too, have a good day, text on your lunch if you can." He spoke as he pulled on his heavy work boots. When he finished lacing them up he walked over and smacked a kiss on Sapnap's cheek, grabbing his keys out of the basket on the counter.
"The floors." Sapnap spoke, his arm stretched out as far as it could go, hand still held in Dream's.
"I know, don't tell George." The blonde giggled then let go, walking out the door for the day.
Sapnap was alone. He felt a strange mix of sadness and relief, his stomach clear of any rocks and boulders but his heart still sore in his chest. He didn't understand it so he ignored it, he walked around the rapid waters once again, just like always.
***
Sapnap's double was currently treading into triple territory. He stayed in his room at the back all day, the only time his door opened or closed was for clients and no one else. He was a hermit for the day, not feeling up to accepting shallow 'happy birthdays' from coworkers who only said it because it was the polite thing to do. And maybe he was discrediting his co-workers who he also considered friends but he had felt weird all day, his mood from this morning following him all the way to work. It hung over him like a dark gloomy cloud, downpours of precipitation falling onto his shoulders anytime he had a moment alone.
He finally decided to venture out when everyone was gone, walking into the staff kitchen to find a few stray birthday cards and a new potted plant on the table. He picked up a card, tearing it open to find it was from Tina. He glanced over her kind words, smiling softly when he saw the small drawings she made for them, he'd put them up in his room later. He saw that the potted plant was from Brooke, and that Corpse got him a gift certificate for Nikki and Puffy's barber shop down the block. Sapnap wanted to cry. He knew it was his fault for not mentioning his birthday to his boyfriends and actively hoping they wouldn't do anything for him, but now he was coming to terms with the fact that his chosen family had let him fade into the roaring crowded street that was life. His co-workers had done more for him than his boyfriends. They forgot about him just like his bio family had.
He let his triple turn into a quadruple.
Sapnap let his thoughts race around his head like a flock of birds, harsh wing tips lashing at his skin and tearing it open. It was his fault, this was what he wanted, but why did it sting so much? The bird's caws turned to screeches so loud he couldn't hear the music he had turned on earlier. He deserved this, he did it to himself. He made active choices to ensure his stupid sad tradition of having no birthday happened and here was reaping what he sowed. It was unfair of him to act like it was some sort of test of his relationship if he would have been upset with the results either way. Would he have been? Sapnap couldn't tell if he was telling himself the truth or not anymore, everything was just such a big jumbled mess that kept growing and growing, pushing against the borders of his skull.
He was on the floor. He needed to go home.
***
All the lights were off when he walked through the door. Sapnap kept his movements quiet as he toed his shoes off by the door, walking on socked tip toes to the kitchen. He passed by his 3 boyfriends all passed out on the couch a pile together, he ignored the way it made him light headed. Once finally in the kitchen he dared to look at his phone for the first time since he left for work, pulling it out of the very bottom of his bag.
A sharp stab of panic gripped onto his heart, it was 10:30pm. He had about 25 combined missed calls and about 50 text messages asking where the hell he was. Sapnap looked down, there were 4 plates of baked mac and cheese and steak sitting on the counter, his favorite. They were all wrapped in cling wrap, there was a chocolate cake in the fridge.
He fucked up.
The birds were back and this time they were relentless. He was so fucking selfish, how could he be so far up his own ass thinking so poorly of the people he loved when they were sitting at home waiting for him, worried, wondering where he was? They made his favorite dinner, they got him a cake. He set them up for failure like an asshole and still they were good to him, too good to him. The sound of his own blood rushing was the only thing he could hear, he placed his forehead down on the cool granite counter.
"Sapnap?"
What the fuck was he going to do to fix this? He acted like his boyfriends were his bio family, his boyfriends who have put up with his shit for 5 years, who love him and oh so obviously care for him. Tears pooled in his eyes and slid down his cheeks dripping down onto the floor below him.
"Hello...Sapnap?"
The water was rising, swimming up from his ankles to his knees with no intent to stop. There were white caps and unforgiving currents ready to knock him down and drag him under as the consequences for trying to outrun them caught up to him. He couldn't breath his chest felt tight, only small gasps of air could be sucked in, soothing the burn he could feel building.
"Sapnap!"
The counter was cold. He gasped in shock, tear blurred eyes snapping up to see George standing in front of him frowning. The Brit stepped closer, placing hands on his shoulders, guiding him away from the counter to a seat at the dining room table.
"Are you okay?" George's voice was softer than usual. "You stayed so late and weren't answering but, we didn't want to bother you if you were busy or there was an issue." The brit spoke casually as he poured his boyfriend a glass of water, placing it down in front of him.
"Thank you." Sapnap croaked, throat already sore. God he's such an ass. They were so fucking considerate and there he was convincing himself 30 minutes prior that they all forgot about him.
"What happened? Why are you crying?" A warm hand began sweeping up and down his back, guiding his breath back to a normal pace.
"I'm so sorry Georgie." Sapnap couldn't help it, he burst into tears again, diving forwards and hiding his face against George's stomach. His tears soak the fabric of George's large t-shirt as he mumbled incoherently. "I'm so fucked and selfish you guys don't deserve to be put through this shit."
"Sapnap please." George spoke kind but firm, cupping Sapnap's face in his hands as he pulled him back. "Breath." He crouched down to Sapnap's eye level. "I can't understand you when you're crying and hyperventilating, so breathe then tell me." Sapnap nodded, following George's breathing.
Dream walked into the kitchen freshly awake with Karl still half asleep on his back, clinging to the blonde for dear life. "Hey babe you're home! What 's- oh, what's the matter?" Dream's tone changed and Karl woke up, the both of them rushed over with concern dragging down their features.
Sapnap cried harder, his breathing falling off again. He shook his head and pulled away from George burying his face in his hands. He couldn't handle this right now, it was all too much.
"I don't know, I woke up and found him having a panic attack in the kitchen, I've been trying to calm him down since." George spoke, looking back to Dream and Karl from where he was crouched on the floor near Sapnap.
"Okay, Karl can you get him more water please?" Dream turned to Karl, the brunette nodding and sliding off his back. "George, can you get an ice pack from the fridge and wrap it with a towel as well ?" He instructed the Brit who nodded and got right to it.
Dream walked over to Sapnap, "Can I touch you?" He asked, waiting for a nod before placing a gentle hand on his back. "We're gonna move now okay, let me guide you." He carefully guided Sapnap down to the floor between his legs, his back to Dream's chest.
Karl returned with water first, handing it to Dream then plopping down onto the floor beside him and Sapnap with no hesitation. He watched as Dream made Sapnap take a sip, handing Karl back the glass with a tight smile. Just after that George came back with the ice pack wrapped in a tea towel. He handed it to Dream and Sat down on the floor beside Karl, pulling the brunette against his side.
"Okay, I'm gonna put this ice pack on your chest like always okay? Can you hold it there or do you need me too." Dream migrated his hands from Sapnap's shoulders to under his arms and around his front. He held the ice pack against Sapnap's sternum feeling the piercer's hands slide over his own to hold it. "Good, now just keep breathing." He was glad to have occupied Sapnap's hands with something else besides grabbing at his long black hair.
It wasn't uncommon for Sapnap to have panic attacks, Dream was familiar with the ravenette's cycle of avoiding his problems then confronting them when forced to then overthinking himself into a panic spiral. They had spent many nights together like this in college on the floor of their shitty apartment, breathing, and muttering assurances that it was all going to be okay. Dream knew what he was doing, he knew what Sapnap needed and his warm calloused hands were more than happy to help guide his bestfriend and boyfriend through the rough waters. And it wasn't like Karl and George didn't know how to help either, they knew to hold him and get water and ice but sometimes when things were really bad, Sapnap just needed the familiarity of Dream.
"Water." Sapnap croaked when he could finally think without the screaming of birds muffling his thoughts or the feeling of rising water constricting his chest. He took the cool glass from Karl's hand and gulped the water down, feeling it smooth over his cracked lips and strained throat. "thank you." he handed it back avoiding Karl's eyes.
"Is it quiet now?" Dream spoke lowly, his hands sliding up into Sapnap's hair, massaging at his scalp. He knew it would be sore tomorrow from how tightly Sapnap had been grabbing at his hair earlier.
"Yes, thank you." Sapnap didn't move, he kept his gaze fixed to the floor despite knowing all 3 men on the kitchen floor would like an explanation for his odd behavior all day.
"Can you tell us what happened?" George spoke cautiously, eyeing Sapnap to see his reaction to the question.
"Yeah I owe it to you all." Sapnap nodded, still looking at the floor. He smiled though when he saw Karl's hand slowly reach out in front of him, waiting to be taken but also ready to be rejected.
"You don't owe us, but we do like to know so we can help you." George assured.
Sapnap shook his head and started speaking, "It's my birthday today-"
"Oh honey." Dream pressed his nose into the nape of Sapnap's neck, effectively bear hugging him.
"It's not that, well it is but not like that." Sapnap shook his head to clear his thoughts and get back on track. "What I mean is, It's my birthday and I hate my birthday and you all know that. But, I still avoided talking about it so we wouldn't do anything-"
"Oh no that's my fault Sapnap, I'm so sorry." Karl was squeezing his hand harder. "Dream and George told me not to do too much because you hate it but I went too far. I'm sorry."
"No Karl please," Sapnap finally looked up to the brunette with a sad smile. "What you did was great, just right. The problem is me, I'm the one who was being awful and selfish. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to do anything but then got sad when I thought you didn't. I spiraled into awful feelings and ideas that you guys forgot about me like my bio family even though I set you up to forget about me today. I put you through some weird shit test and I didn't even realize then I avoided you guys and worried you then I came home to see you did remember and do care and I felt even worse for assuming such awful things about you. I have such conflicting feelings about today and I put you guys through it because of that, I'm sorry."
"Oh Pandas, today is a complicated day. It's okay to be confused about how you feel and what you want." Dream leaned back and took Sapnap with him.
"Yeah, you just gotta tell us that so we can be sure to do what makes you happy and comfortable. Whether that's a big party with friends or nothing at all." Karl scooted closer to Dream and Sapnap, tugging George along with him.
"We aren't mad at you Sap, we're just glad you're safe and well." George took Sapnap's free hand in his own.
"Thank you guys, I'm sorry for being an avoider." That got a few small chuckles from his 3 boyfriends.
"We forgive you baby, really it's all good." Karl kissed his knuckles.
"How about we heat up this food and settle in for a movie yeah?" Dream hooked his chin over Sapnap's shoulder as he asked, big green eyes looking up at the piercer waiting for him to decide the direction he wanted things to go.
"Yeah that sounds really good."