Chapter Text
Jin was running late. His legs were wobbly and tired but he couldn’t stop to take a break. There was no time for that. He hurried up the stairs but the stairs never seemed to end. It felt like he kept on climbing forever.
“Joon-ah!” he shouted when he suddenly saw Namjoon further up. “Wait for me!”
The rapper turned around but he didn’t stop to wait. Jin tried to climb faster but failed to catch up to him.
“Hope-ah! Yoongi-yah! Wait!” he shouted when he saw the other two rappers. Just like Namjoon, they both turned around to look at him but they didn’t stop. They kept climbing. One step at a time.
The stress surrounded Jin. “Wait for me!”
No one waited.
The sound of giggle echoed around him.
“Jiminie! Kookie!”
The boys were giggling but when they saw Jin they ran away in different directions. Jimin to the left and Jungkook to the right.
“No wait!”
Jin was suddenly not in a staircase any longer but in a long and dark corridor. He recognized it very well. It was his old school, but it looked more abandoned and more eerie than he remembered it. Baby blue and white wall to the left, big windows to the right. It was pitch black out there. Jin couldn’t see a thing.
Footsteps. They echoed just like the giggles, but he couldn’t see anyone.
“Jiminie?” he said to the empty space and the giggles died.
A hard slam behind him; as if someone had dropped to the floor. Jin flinched and turned around. Someone was curled up in a corner further down the dark corridor. He could suddenly hear quiet sobs coming from the shaking body. A boy with almost blinding white clothes.
Jin came closer. Very careful not to scare him.
“Taehyungie?”
Taehyung who’d been hiding behind his hands looked up at Jin. Not only tears were dripping from his eyes but blood too. A lot of blood. It painted the white shirt with red dots.
“Taehyung!!” Jin quickly fell on his knees next to his dongsaeng. “Don’t worry, Taehyungie, I’m here now, I’ll help you!”
His dongsaeng opened his mouth and dark, thick, blood poured out. It felt like the panic was almost going to give Jin a heart attack.
“Taehyu…”
“Seokjin-ah?”
Jin turned around when he heard a very melodic and clear voice. It was very familiar and he knew exactly who it was.
“Mom?”
A summer meadow with red poppies and yellow butterflies stretched before him. Next to an old and majestic oak, a golden retriever was wagging its tail. It was sweet and loyal Lemon. He hadn’t seen his furry friend since he was a small child. Next to Lemon was his mother sitting on a blue picnic blanket. She was wearing a white dress with pink flowers and a big straw hat.
Jin walked up to her.
“Mom?”
“Oh, Seokjin-ah”, she grieved with sadness in her eyes. “Why aren’t you more like your brother?”
A clap of thunder could be heard behind Jin and they both looked to the sky. It was the most innocent of blue.
“I’m sorry, mom”, he said and felt how a raindrop fell on his cheek. Lemon started to bark and giggle could be heard again.
Jin scanned the beautiful meadow with its green and red.
“Hyung?”
Jin looked back at his mother and Lemon, but they weren’t there anymore. Instead he was met by Jungkook. He was looking very pouty and disappointed. He was wearing the same blinding white clothes as Taehyung had.
“You didn’t help him”, he said. “Even when I told you about it, you chose to not help him!”
“Jungkook-ah, I…”
“No”, Jungkook didn’t want to hear any excuses. “You failed him.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“You failed me.”
Jin saw how Taehyung came out behind the three. He wasn’t bleeding anymore. It was such a relief.
“Taehyungie, I wanted to help you.”
“But you didn’t”, he said. He too looked very angry. “And look at me now.”
Jin didn’t understand, not until the blood started to drip again. From his eyes, his nose and from his hairline.
“Look at me!” he said and more blood came out of his mouth.
“Look at me too, Hyungie”, Jungkook said and blood started to drip on him too. “Look what you’ve done! You failed us! It’s your fault!”
“That’s why we don’t want you as our leader!” Taehyung said.
“Because it’s your fault!” Jungkook added.
“It’s because of you!” they both said and started walking towards him. Jin took a step back and then another. He tried to talk to them, but they didn’t want to listen. “A failure!”
“No wonder she thinks you’re a disappointment”, Jungkook said, and his eyes got darker. “And look what you’ve done now!”
“A failure!”, Taehyung yelled and they both pointed to the right. Jin followed the direction with his eyes and soon he saw it. His mother! And Lemon! They were hanging from a tree. Snares around their necks.
“Mom?” his voice cracked. He was staring at the scene with horror and didn’t want to believe his own eyes. His sweet mother. Her face was blue. Blood was dripping from both their bodies.
Everything broke into pieces inside of Jin. He felt how tears welled up in his eyes and his body got too heavy to carry. He fell to the ground. His nose was almost touching the soft green grass. He started crying so hard that he was screaming. He held his clenched fists against his chest where his broken heart was bleeding.
The agony was almost suffocating him.
“A failure!” he heard Jungkook say with spite.
“Look what you’ve done!” he heard Taehyung say equally spiteful.
Jin didn’t look up. He didn’t want to see them. “I’M SORRY!” he screamed through the many tears. “I’M SORRY!! I’M SORRY!! I’M SORRY!”
“Hyung?”
Namjoon’s voice.
“Hyung?”
“I’M SORRY!!” Jin kept screaming.
“Hyung, wake up!”
Jin froze when he felt a hand touching him and he looked up. Everything got dark.
“Hey, wake up!” he heard Namjoon’s voice again. But it sounded much closer this time. Much, much closer.
Jin opened his eyes, although he didn’t know he’d closed them. His heart was pounding hard and he was soaked in sweat. A tear was trailing down his cheek.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
Jin looked around. It was pretty dark here, but he could see enough to know that he was back in his bedroom. Back in his bed.
He looked to the side and saw Namjoon standing next to him. The rapper was peeking over the edge of the bunkbed. He had to stand on his toes to reach up.
“Are you okay?” the rapper repeated his question. He seemed concerned. “You were screaming… I believe you had a nightmare…”
Jin nodded. He believed so too.
“Do you want to talk about it?” the younger asked but Jin shook his head. “Do you need something? A glass of water perhaps?”
Jin shook his head again. “It’s okay”, he murmured and swept his hand over his sweaty forehead. It was too hot in here.
“It’s only four in the morning”, he heard Namjoon say. “We should try to sleep some more.”
Jin agreed and turned to the side, now facing the white wall. His heart was slowly calming down but the feeling of anxiety was very present still.
He felt the urge to go check on the Maknaes, to make sure they were okay. He wanted to check on his mother too. It was too early in the morning for that. Tomorrow, he thought. Tomorrow.
He shut his eyes again, but he was scared of falling asleep. Scared of falling into that nightmare again. His heart was still vibrating painfully. It was difficult to calm down even when he tried. The thought of what happened tonight… or last night or… however he should see it… He’d heard how Namjoon had punished Taehyung but Jin hadn’t stopped it.
“A failure”, he could still hear the voice of Taehyung and Jungkook in his mind. “See what you’ve done!”
More tears started to fall. He’d come to realize something… After crawling on the floor, wrestling with his dongsaeng… After seeing how easily Namjoon had gotten the boy to obey… Jin had realized that he did not have this under control.
He did not. And he was going to tell exactly that to the others. Namjoon had always and was always going to be their true leader. They all trusted him; even Taehyung… sometimes it felt like especially Taehyung trusted him… Jin couldn’t lie, he was still confused about that but… but he accepted it.
A deep sigh escaped him and he let the tears dry. He let his heart calm down. So tired. It was too late or perhaps too early. Everything was quiet. Jin shivered. The sweat was now freezing on his hot body. He felt fatigue. Almost sick.
Tomorrow, he thought again. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow started two and a half hours later. Jin hadn’t been able to fall asleep again and he was feeling numb and slow in his brain. The anxiety was gone though, and he did feel a bit calmer and better, at least compared to when he’d just woken up from that nightmare.
It was with a big jaw and stinging eyes that the singer dragged himself into the kitchen. Yoongi was already there, making them all coffee. The rapper loved it strong, so Jin always ended up having to fill one third of his cup with milk. Today was no different.
“Remember the psychiatrist appointment today”, was the first thing Yoongi said while pouring them each a cup of the black coffee.
“Good morning to you too”, Jin muttered and reached for the dark blue cup with silver stars. A night sky.
“I can go instead”, the younger offered.
“Mhm”, was the only thing Jin answered.
“So I’ll go, good”, Yoongi said and took a sip of the bitter and hot stuff. Jin didn’t oppose. He felt drained.
Soon, a pouting Jimin entered the room with Hobi following him close behind. Their sunshine didn’t look happy either. It seemed to be a rainy day.
“I’m not hungry”, the younger muttered but no one paid him any attention. Instead, Hobi opened the fridge and brought out some pajeons from yesterday.
Jimin started to shake his head. “That’s not on my safe list!”
“This is for the rest of us”, Hobi muttered and the younger’s tensed shoulders fell.
“Oh”, he murmured and saw how Hobi brought out a bowl of rice as well. One that Jimin hadn’t finished during dinner last night. The boy didn’t seem to like the idea of having it for breakfast though.
“Why the grimace?” Hobi asked when he saw his dongsaeng’s disgusted scowl. “Yah! Stop that! You’ll eat this whether you like it or not.”
“I’d rather take a smoothie.”
“Jimin-ah”, Yoongi said firmly. “We have a long day ahead of us, we had a long day yesterday, tomorrow is going to be an especially important day. Do not be difficult.”
“I’m not”, Jimin murmured sadly while feeling how the anxiety was growing. It felt like his entire body was growing too. On his cheeks, under his chin, around his wrists. The feeling wasn’t fun at all!! “I just rather want a smoothie.”
“A smoothie is not enough”, Hoseok said tiredly. “And you know it.”
“A smoothie and an apple”, Jimin suggested and saw how Hobi gave Yoongi a pleading face. It was too early in the morning and they were all tired.
“Jimi…”
“I’ll eat the rice”, Jimin interrupted Yoongi and hurried to grab the bowl from Hobi. He was just about to take it to the microwave when he felt a strong hand grab his upper arm. It was Yoongi.
“Next time…”, he said and narrowed his eyes, making sure Jimin was looking at him. “… Do as Hoseok-ah tells you the first time.”
“Yes, Hyung”, the younger murmured and Yoongi let him go none too gently. It really was too early in the morning.
Jin watched them while sipping on his cup of coffee and milk. He wasn’t thinking of them, his thoughts were too deep into other things. His nightmare for one.
The microwave started buzzing. 1:00… 0:59… 0:58…
Jimin fixed his eyes on the numbers that were counting down to zero. He really struggled to keep his tears at bay but could feel the lump in his throat growing uncomfortably large. He felt so very misunderstood. His Hyungs didn’t at all understand him and it made him feel hurt. He would’ve loved to be able to eat those pajeons the rest of them were planning of eating, but the anxiety that would follow wasn’t worth it. The chubby cheeks were definitely not worth it.
Jimin’s eyes went blurry. Suddenly rice didn’t feel like it belonged on his safe list either.
Peep… peep… peep…
“Have some fresh vegetables with your rice”, Hobi said and found a cucumber and some cherry tomatoes in the fridge. “Both the kimchi and stir-fried eggplants are finished.”
Jimin just nodded. At least those were on his safe list.
“Good morning, Kookie”, Hobi said when he turned around and saw Jungkook entering the kitchen. The boy mumbled something that perhaps could’ve been a ‘good morning, Hyung’ but it was a bit vague.
“Slept well?” Jin asked, who was brought out of his thoughts by the sight of his Maknae.
“Yeah”, Jungkook answered before carefully taking a seat on his chair. Its surface was harder than he remembered. The spanking he received yesterday didn’t hurt anymore. It was more a boiling hot feeling than real pain, but he could still feel a stinging discomfort when sitting down.
Namjoon arrived a minute later.
“Good morning”, he said, sounding as tired as everybody else. They were soon all gathered around the table, eating breakfast. Everyone except one.
“Where’s Taehyung?” Jin asked and looked back at the entrance that led out to the corridor where the door to the Maknaes’ bedroom stood.
“He better not be sleeping”, Namjoon muttered and dipped a piece of his pajeon in soy sauce.
“Do we have more kimchi?” Jungkook asked but both Hobi and Jin shook their heads. “Rice?”
“No.”
They really needed to go to the grocery store.
“I’ll go check on Taehyung”, Namjoon said and stood up from his chair, but didn’t get further than two steps when Taehyung entered. Like all the others, he was still dressed in his pyjamas.
“Good you’re here”, Jin said with a small smile.
The younger didn’t say anything and instead dragged himself to the only empty chair at the table. He squirmed and groaned quietly. The welts were stinging unforgivingly.
Jungkook had sunk deeper in his chair when he saw his youngest Hyung. Heat of shame and worry quickly grew in his body. He had yet to apologize for what he’d said yesterday. It had been very hurtful and Jungkook was regretting his words, he’d regretted them the same second they’d flown out of his mouth. It was just that Taehyung had been awful to him lately, but yesterday was worse than ever. Jungkook had been so hurt and confused, but it had turned into frustration and suddenly he’d lost his temper. It wasn’t on purpose but he’d ended up saying things he didn’t mean. He didn’t think Taehyung was crazy and he really wanted his friend to know that. He really wanted to apologize to Taehyung, even if he still was feeling a bit hurt too… and annoyed… but he knew his hurt feelings and annoyance didn’t matter in this case. He had to remember his place, and he had to remember who Taehyung was to him, just like Yoongi-Hyung had told him. Jungkook really tried to remind himself that his Hyungs knew best, even if it was hard to convince himself sometimes.
Taehyung rubbed his eyes and let out a big yawn.
“Juice?” Hobi asked him.
“Water”, he murmured and reached out to grab a pajeon for himself. “Do we have kimchi?” he asked when he noticed there was nothing on the table except the plate with the green onion filled pancakes. Not much seafood was added in them at all.
“No, no more kimchi”, Hobi answered.
“Pickled daikon?”
“We have fresh cucumber”, Hobi said and Taehyung frowned disappointed.
“No”, he muttered and started eating his pajeon as they were, even without soy sauce.
“I would like to talk to you all”, Jin spoke up now when they all finally were present.
“About?” Yoongi asked.
“I’ve been thinking a lot and… Namjoon-ah…”, Jin turned to his dongsaeng. “I would like you to be our leader again, a leader for all of us, for Taehyung and Jungkook too.”
Namjoon smiled. “Thanks, Hyung, for trusting me.”
Jin smiled back. It felt much better.
Jimin and Jungkook exchanged gazes. Jimin didn’t look very satisfied and the younger could tell.
“That’s great, so it’s final then?” Hobi asked, now sounding more alert and awake. “Namjoon-ah is our leader again?”
“I suppose”, Namjoon answered, but he felt a little nervous. His biggest fear was to screw it up again. Yesterday had been the first time he’d actually punished anyone since that awful day at their recoding of ‘Dope’. That day when he’d abused his power and hurt Taehyung. Did he still feel guilty? Yes, words couldn’t describe how guilty he was feeling. Had it been hard to punish Taehyung yesterday? It had both been and not been hard.
Namjoon had been more patient with that boy than he’d ever thought was possible, and yesterday, he’d realized that being too patient was not the right way to go. The same as being too hard wasn’t. There must be a balance, and Namjoon had promised himself that he was going to stay balanced or so God help him, he was going to quit as a rapper. And never perform ever again. And he wasn’t going to break that promise…