Chapter Text
-What you’re saying is right, a wounded soldier should stay off the battlefield.-
Levi glanced at the stump hidden by his shirt, not totally able to completely cover him, as if to confirm that sentence only with his eyes. A look that Erwin had seen countless times, a look that was worth a thousand words; if we consider that Levi was not very eloquent, that certainly meant a lot.
-However…- the blond continued in a decisive tone -There will come a moment when we learn the truth of our world, and I must be there for it.-
It was nothing new to see him so determined, yet Levi couldn't immediately take him as seriously as he usually did.
Had he heard a single word of what he had told him a few seconds ago? Did he really care so little about his lower limbs that he wanted to do whatever the fuck he wanted anyway?
He blinked a couple of times, the raven, at feeling his blood boiling in his veins with the umpteenth feeling of bother.
Bother because he didn't feel understood, bother because he still wanted to be understood. He wanted to be understood by the man in front of him, and he would do what he could to succeed.
-Is it so important to you?- he frowned, Levi, as he took a step forward -More than your legs?-
He would have done it without problems, even if it was him. He would even have broken them with a smile on his lips if that had served his purpose.
-Yes.- Erwin replied promptly, not taking his eyes off him, leaving him dumbfounded.
-More than humanity’s victory? - Levi insisted lowering his own even more, as if to scrutinize him from another perspective, or to show him how much that conversation was not going as he had planned. Or hoped for.
-Yes.- he repeated, this time, in a tone that did not allow many replies, the classic tone he used when he wore the robes of the Commander, a role that certainly suited him.
Levi had, however, had the privilege of knowing him in other guises, so he did not feel in the least discouraged in the face of all that subspecies of authority.
"More important...than us?"
He didn't know what made him bite his tongue at that moment. Normally he wasn't the type to shut up when something didn't convince him or bother him, on the contrary, he was known to be the most foul-mouthed and direct person in the world.
He was also in a context where he could do it easily, what was stopping him, then?
He just looked down, indirectly admitting his defeat in that conversation over which he wished to impose his supremacy more than anything else.
-I see...- he emitted with a barely audible murmur, avoiding Erwin's gaze like the plague. He turned the other way in speed and gripped the door handle as if it were some sort of lifeline, something that until a few years ago he did not even conceive.
-Erwin...- he said turning towards him for the last time, stoic expression on his face to hide as much as possible what he felt in his most intimate part -I’ll trust your judgment.-
A phrase that he had repeated to him so many times that he was almost bored, a phrase that meant a lot, but that meant nothing. A sentence that, however, he would never stop telling him because...
Because he just felt like doing it.
He opened the door, then, slipping out as fast as he could to escape that probing gaze that could read him more than he wanted.
If there was one thing that Levi hated more than dirt, it was surely being pitied, especially by those who did not fit in with him.
If it was Hange who did it, he didn't care, albeit with difficulty, if it was Erwin as well. However, in that moment, he felt like he had to hide his obvious state of mind about him from anyone, even that man he had known for years and with whom he had fought countless times.
The same man who had seen him smile, the same man who had seen him cry, the same man who had seen him without clothes now too many times to be counted, the same man who had managed to see him in its entirety without opening his mouth to judge.
He had never done that, Erwin, just because he expected him not to either.
Levi walked out of the door with a brisk step, finding Hange still present in the corridor, precisely in front of one of the many windows overlooking the city.
The man ignored them completely, looking down and starting to go to his room. Or rather, in the room that he and the commander of the Survey Corps had shared for years and which had witnessed many incidents involving both.
-Hey, why did you shut me out?- they asked lawfully, whirling around to notice his presence.
-Mind your own fucking business, Hange.- he snapped, shaking his head. He didn't have time to argue with them: he didn't even have time to rearrange his thoughts about them, let alone if he had stopped to explain why he had closed that damn door and left them out of the conversation.
-Will you be there at least tonight?- Hange insisted, raising their voice more to see him slowly disappear -Tonight we’ll celebrate by eating meat, you must be there!-
Were they seriously idiots enough to want to celebrate?
What was there to celebrate, exactly?
The fact that half of the army surely wouldn't go home? The fact that so many soldiers would have acquired trauma after such an expedition? The fact that Erwin had placed all recruits and that the latter would surely be the first to be wiped out?
The fact that there was a good chance that no one would make it?
Why would he spend time with people who thought so superficially, so stupid, so disrespectful to those who had lost their lives on the battlefield?
No, Levi was not used to that kind of event, especially if he was in a bad mood.
He ignored them completely, therefore, going down that floor to be able to lock himself in his quarters and be alone.
He slammed the door as he closed it, as if to make it clear to those present that he was pissed off and that it would be better for everyone to avoid that room as if the most dangerous and cruel demon in the world was hiding inside. He wasn't that far from reality, however, since inside he was burning with irritation and could seriously hurt someone if only he hadn't restrained himself.
Outside the total calm, illuminated by the orange sun about to set and broken, every now and then, by the neighing of the horses that showed their disinterest in the stables not far from the soldiers' quarters.
Levi took off his military green jacket with mechanical gestures, throwing it on the bed exactly in front of the door and cursing without noticing how much the headboard of the aforementioned bed was full of dust.
"One thing, I told him, one thing ...", he bit his lip as he quickly remembered how many times he had recommended him to fluff the pillows well, to fix the sheets and to check that fucking headboard when he was got out of bed every morning. But Erwin seemed not to understand, or he seemed to pretend not to understand.
And it wasn't the first time.
He untied his white scarf holding back multicolored curses, both to himself and to Erwin. He was left with a white shirt and black pants that he didn't have the slightest desire to take off, so he opted for a long-sleeved white shirt that the bastard had given him who knows how many years ago.
He had discovered that his birthday was on Christmas Day and, surprisingly, he had decided to spend some money on a shirt that was not even worth half it: but Levi was fine with that, he certainly wouldn't have whimpered for one model rather than another.
He began to think about what he had said to him in his office just before, and he felt himself burn with anger again.
Why didn't he listen to him? Why did he say he trusted him blindly and yet continued to do the fuck he wanted, risking his life more than he could think?
It wasn't the first time this had happened, and for the most part it was Levi who was perhaps too paranoid.
The last time he had guessed right, though, since he had returned from that expedition without his right arm and he almost died on that hospital bed because he had lost too much blood in too little time.
Levi had told him, and he had guessed right completely.
That memory was enough to make him grind his teeth, taken once more by the sense of guilt and anger towards him.
-What’s wrong, Levi?- Erwin asked him when he noticed his presence on the jamb of the open door of their quarters. The person concerned had not answered, wrapped in that black jacket that was definitely too big and too elegant for him and leaning against the aforementioned jamb with his shoulder.
-Are you really sure you want to do it?- the raven asked in a low tone, closing the door behind him and limping towards him. Erwin was putting on the harnesses at full speed: Levi was surprised at how good he had been at not tripping.
-We don't have to let them take Eren, so yes.- Erwin answered with a resolute tone, giving him an eloquent glance at speed -And besides, the Survey Corps still needs its commander.-
-I mean, are you sure you want to do it without me?- Levi corrected, lowering his gaze slightly. His leg was still hurting, he was struggling to jump (he had just tried a couple of times in those days and even got funny giggles from that shitty fourglasses and from Erwin himself) and surely he would not have been at his best if he had left with them.
Whatever his situation was, his instincts told him to leave and take part in that sort of impromptu expedition. Erwin, however, had been very clear on that point: Levi shouldn't have left like that, it was out of the question.
-I appreciate your interest, but we are not as irresponsible as most of the population calls us.- the blond gave him a light smile, honored to see how Levi showed his concern.
-No, indeed.- the latter replied, crossing his arms over his chest and holding back a sigh as he saw him fasten the buttons of his shirt -You're even worse than that.-
-I also appreciate your sincerity.- Erwin smiled again, giving him a good-natured look -But it's right that Humanity’s strongest soldier stays here, especially if he's hurt.-
-Stop calling me that, you know I hate it.- Levi clicked his tongue as he perceived a feeling of deep hatred taking him behind the neck -And, for the record, I would be able to knock you down even with the leg tanned in this way.-
-Yes, I know you would be able to do it.- the blond supported him going to retrieve his jacket.
Levi stood there staring at him with the most indecipherable look he had ever done in all those years. Normally Erwin was able to understand between the lines, but at that moment it was difficult for him.
-I can...I can also stay in the rear.- suggested the raven in an almost insistent tone, which made the blonde frown in front of him -If this can help save as many lives as possible.-
-No, Levi, you will stay here.- the commander repeated in a firm tone, looking him entirely in his eyes. Blue and gray to collide again, in that battlefield that was no less than the room where they had slept for years.
The raven sighed in resignation, causing a decidedly perplexed reaction in Erwin.
-You have never been so pessimistic about the fate of an expedition...- observed the blond, frowning his thick eyebrows more, both hands intent on tying the green cape on the sternum area.
-Well, no shit, I didn't have my leg tanned like that.- ruled Levi scratching the back of his neck.
-Do you think something serious could happen?- Erwin asked, urging him to continue with his gaze. It was not uncommon for him to make predictions, yet his gaze seemed almost anomalous.
-No, I'm just saying that I have a bad feeling.- retorted the raven with a more convinced tone -And I'd be safer if I could participate too.-
-As much as your presence may be fundamental, my answer is still "no".- the blond remarked further, returning serious -You are not in a position to fight right now.-
Levi understood that there was no need to insist; although they talked to each other fairly informally, he was still a superior to him, and he trusted him blindly enough to let him act as he saw fit. On the other hand, Shadis had made him commander for a reason.
-Will you leave immediately?- Levi asked shortly after with yet another resigned sigh, looking at his injured leg with a sort of insistence in his gaze as if to force it to recover.
He wanted to leave with them, he wanted to be present on that emergency expedition, he didn't want too many people to die because of his absence.
He didn't even want to leave Erwin alone.
-No, first I'll have to meet Pyxis, then we'll decide what to do.- the blond explained quickly, passing him to be able to open the door and go out.
Levi, however, was faster.
-Erwin.- he called him without even turning, with a firm and resolute tone. No "Sir" or "Commander", only "Erwin".
The person concerned let go of the handle, and then turned back to him.
-What is it?- the commander ordered him, sighing softly on the spot and placing his hands on his hips.
Levi turned to him too, calmly because of the aching leg, and completely silent. He frowned slightly and kept his mouth tight, as if he wanted to say something important but his words didn't come out because they were stuck in his throat.
He approached, then, coming practically in front of him.
He looked at him one last time, Levi, before grabbing the collar of his jacket and dragging him towards him. He rose slightly on his toes, noticing with a kind of pleasure how Erwin already understood.
He kissed him with all the tranquility in the world, as they almost always did, as they both liked, a simple contact between their lips, a gesture that was worth a lot of things if only they had the time to deepen them. Erwin touched his cheek with his right hand, as if to hold him back, feeling within himself how much he actually wanted and waited for such a moment.
It was Levi who broke away first, still keeping his gaze chained to his. He wanted to drown in those blue eyes like the cloudless sky, so deep and intense as to seem almost dangerous, yet so sweet and understanding as to make a mother jealous.
A mother of whom Levi had very few memories, by the way.
Erwin was still touching his cheek, almost enthralled.
-Try to bring your flabby ass back here.- the raven recommended letting his grip on the collar of his jacket, returning with his feet on the ground and giving him one last empathic-like glance before passing him and exiting that room first.
He smiled slightly, Erwin, as he walked down the hall and set foot outside that building.
He came back, indeed, but at what cost?
This and more Levi wondered with his expression disfigured with horror at seeing how he was tanned on that hospital bed. Pale in the face, the hair that had become one with the skin, the missing right arm and the stump stitched up "at best", dried blood on the seam, blood on other parts of his body bruised in several places, blood on his clothes .
Blood, blood, blood.
Blood that he didn't even know if it was his own or that of other soldiers who died to protect him, or to protect himself.
He couldn't look at him in those conditions, not after what they had just said to each other that morning in their room. Not after not insisting enough to leave with them, despite his orders, despite his leg hurting him terribly, despite blindly trusting him.
Levi knew he should go with them, Levi knew he should go with him.
If he had left he could have prevented him from losing an arm, his dominant arm, among other things, could have hurt himself in his place, because he didn't care about his own safety. What mattered to Levi was that this man could achieve his goal, no ifs and buts. He didn't give a damn about the rest.
It took him a long time to wake up and finally regain consciousness, at the same time, Levi took a long time to be able to look him fully in the eye after what happened.
He kept thinking about his arm that, at that moment, was gone, all the blood he had lost, the soldiers who had lost their lives, how that expedition would have gone if he had been present with them. .
That Titan had severed his right limb, Erwin fucking Smith had been incredibly lucky to get out alive. But...what if that creature had planted its shitty teeth a little higher? What if that giant didn't just take his arm off but he decided to do more?
If Levi hadn't stayed there to mind his own business, would the fate of that expedition actually have been different?
-What are you thinking about, Levi?- Erwin asked in a tired tone as he weakly arranged the sheets that he kept perpetually fixed on his pelvis with the only arm that remained.
Pyxis and her assistant had just left, after making sure that everything was fine, that Erwin could breathe, that he could still speak and that he was above all still able to sign official documents that Levi hadn't had time to peek at. He was forced to write with his left hand, the non-dominant one, a painful sight to behold when compared to what the raven felt towards his commander at that exact moment.
To Erwin's question, he didn't answer on purpose, so as not to really tell him what his mind was proposing to him at that moment. He confined himself to observing the landscape outside the window of that hospital room with a rigid gaze, together with the stoic pose that always characterized him.
He could have helped him, he could have saved at least his arm, he could have limited the number of deaths by giving his life in exchange, perhaps, because of his injured leg.
His departure was always better than that of the man who was in the same room with him, lying on that bed with an unkempt beard, hair to be cut and the stump bandaged so as not to cause reactions of disgust or deep compassion in others.
-Levi.- the blond called him again with the same tone as before -Look at me.-
He had noticed it despite everything, Levi thought, stifling a bitter chuckle that at that moment could only have ruined things.
He couldn't do it no matter how hard he tried, his gaze fell either on that part of his arm that was missing, or on the floor. Yet, despite everything, he had offered over and over to help him eat or do the stupidest things in the world, such as slightly moving the pillow that held him up, scratching his back where the bandages bothered him most, killing some annoying spider that could cause a rather funny reaction in the commander if only Levi was actually used to laughing.
-I'm going to have some tea.- the raven announced instead, distancing himself from the window to be able to go out in peace.
He was blocked by Erwin's left arm who, with a swift but incredibly silent movement, girdled his shoulders to track the man to that specific spot in the room.
When the fuck did he get up? He had never done it in those weeks, or rather, he said he felt too weak to do it and therefore he never took risks.
His grip was iron although Levi perceived that it was not the same that characterized him normally; despite everything, he retained the same sweetness and concern.
Levi knew that with those arms (or rather, with the only one left to him) Erwin would never have hurt him, and besides knowing it he was also 100% sure.
That arm of his had gripped him more than he could remember, he had caressed him, he had embraced him with care, he had explored his body with a passion and a longing that Levi would never have expected from him.
So, that hold so weak but so familiar, did not give him the temptation to move away as he used to do when Hange, especially, sought physical contact and went to suddenly hug him. Indeed, he had the power to block him there, on the spot, completely unarmed and defenseless.
-You haven't looked me in the eye for weeks.- Erwin murmured hoarsely, going to rest his chin on that helmet of silky straight black hair -What happens? -
"It happens that I couldn't save your arm."
"It happens that because of this I can't look you in the eye without feeling fucking guilty."
"It happens that I can't stand seeing you like this."
These and many other observations he would have liked to spit on him with all the awareness and remorse in the world, but the words seemed to refuse to come out of that mouth usually as sharp as those swords of his that cut the necks of Titans without any hesitation.
-Levi, look at me...- Erwin pleaded once again, hugging him tighter with a plaintive note in his voice.
The person concerned wondered how they could both have justified themselves if someone had entered at that moment, one of those brats, perhaps, or even another fellow soldier.
Nobody knew of that sort of "bond" that was born between them, nobody, not even Hange, who always seemed to know everything about everyone.
That bond that Levi had struggled so hard to accept, that bond that he would never have wanted to sever due to a superficial attitude on the part of his superior.
-You shouldn't even stand up, right now.- the raven scolded him, not giving a damn about the fact that that plea had slightly moved him -Then don't complain if it hurts everywhere.
-I don't care.- Erwin promptly replied, lowering his voice even further, pulling away slightly to make sure that Levi could turn around without problems.
Finally he made up his mind to look into his eyes, pursed lips, sharp eyes and arms crossed over his chest to show how much he was not happy at that given moment. Erwin found himself smiling slightly, happy and relieved as few at that vision although he felt a hallucinating pain in the seam area.
Levi's eyes, although small, were very expressive and were able to say everything that he could not say by opening his mouth. They were able to express anger, agitation, frustration, but also a minimum of joy, satisfaction... emotions that fit perfectly on that elongated and diaphanous face.
He placed his hand on his cheek, delicately, and began to caress it while Levi remained impassive, but with his gaze chained to that of the man in front of him.
-It would have been better if I had come too.- the lower of the two pronounced with a contemptuous tone, but not to Erwin, only to himself.
Which the person concerned did not fully appreciate.
-It could have happened to anyone.- he said in looking at his missing arm and bandaged with a melancholy tone.
-Yes, and it happened to you.-
-I'm still alive, isn't that important?- Erwin retorted, continuing to caress his face with a slight chuckle. Levi had to hold back a long time not to go mad and not to kick him, still recovering as he was.
-Go tell that fucking Titan who took your arm off.- he ruled, shaking his head, as if he wanted to refuse in a certain sense to see what his eyes offered him. A pair of blue irises like the sky, splendid, intense, understanding, of the eyes that Levi had never seen in all those years of his life.
-I was the one who ordered you to stay here, don’t blame yourself.- Erwin resumed raising both eyebrows, then bending over his face, giving him another empathic look and continuously decreasing the distance between their gazes.
He kissed him with his eyes closed, holding him by the back of his neck with the only hand available. Levi did not flinch, on the contrary, he let his lips encircle Erwin’s without complaining, even holding him by the collar of the open white shirt he was wearing.
He was there, he was there with him, he could feel it, he could touch it, he could live it.
Those thoughts were enough to make him melt that damned armor that he had been carrying around for years and that he removed only in his presence.
Levi broke away with a slight gasp, aware of the fact that if he really could he would have continued indefinitely with the sort of activity they were used to doing, not on many occasions, unfortunately for him. He closed his eyes again and rested his forehead against his, internally happy to see him there and not in the fetid mouth of any titan.
-I brought my ass back here, wasn't it what you wanted?- Erwin teased him with a sardonic smile, to which Levi replied by throwing a light kick on the shins that made him moan in pain.
He didn't go any further with the talk because he thought that smothering his emotions in another kiss would pay off.
Sure, he brought his ass back, but at what cost?
He was no longer able to use the ODM gear as before, he was not even able to button his shirt by himself without cursing every few seconds, it was already a lot if he was able to stay on his horse without losing his balance. How could he face a suicidal mission such as the one they were to undertake the next day?
How much did it cost him to sit quietly in his office and let his subordinates kill themselves instead of him?
Questions to which Levi was unable to give an immediate answer, especially because a faint scent of meat began to hover in the air that managed, strangely, to make his stomach growl and distract him. It was an illusion, however, because immediately afterwards he began to think about him and his fucking dream, told billions of times, in all sorts of ways, from other points of view, each time with an extra anecdote that he always managed to make him smile.
Erwin, of course, not Levi, also because he normally talked about his past immediately after having fucked, so when his senses were still quite inhibited by all that pleasure felt.
It was nice to hear him tell about his father, but this certainly did not give him the right to do what the fuck he wanted with his life which was already in itself at risk.
He hated those who did not value their existence, he hated those who treated it as a definitive thing, which sooner or later would return if it failed.
Erwin did not understand that, in reality, the moment he found himself between the fetid teeth of a damn titan he would have nothing back, nothing. He would have died like so many others, that's it, finished, poof !
Together with the inviting scent of meat, the sound of a collective shout of joy rose in the air, a sign that the soldiers had finally gathered to celebrate, as anticipated by Hange shortly before.
He could have distracted himself a little, maybe drinking something that wouldn't get him drunk anyway, maybe insulting that shitty foureyes to death, maybe insulting that asshole Erwin, maybe sending him to hell, maybe regretting that time he broke up overwhelmed by those unknown things that normal human beings called "emotions" and he had let himself be touched in places he did not know he had, perhaps regretting having kissed him and letting himself be kissed so many times that he had now lost count.
Perhaps regretting having let him fuck his heart, as well as his body, with that sweetness and concern that normally would have made him vomit, but with him he was able to metabolize and accept them.
He accepted every side of him: the childish side, the manipulative side, the sadistic side, the affectionate side...but he would never accept the superficial side of him, the one that the next day would push him to mount his horse and lead the troops towards Shiganshina.
He threw a punch, Levi, going to hit the outer wall of that canteen that housed a hundred new recruits and not intent on enjoying, probably, the last hours of life before the inevitable passing. As much as he had put much of his strength into it, he felt nothing because he was too busy inhibiting that fucking awful feeling he felt in his throat and that made him feel like he was about to choke.
Many soldiers said they felt this way when they found themselves in front of one of those things, helpless and powerless, perhaps after having witnessed the death of their fellow soldier, their lover, their friend, right in front of their eyes.
A lot of soldiers started crying on those occasions, with all the strength they had in their bodies because it could have been the last time, the last time they could reveal their emotions.
Levi would not have cried, no, he never did, except in special cases.
He had done it as a child, several times, when he had begun to see his maternal figure become weaker and weaker, more and more pale, more and more thin, until he saw her lying on the bed still, eyelids closed and mouth ajar, as if if she took one last deep breath before she left the world that had never been so kind to her.
He had done it after losing Farlan and Isabel, on their first expedition.
He had done it with Erwin, the first time they had let themselves go to their carnal impulses and had consumed a slow, silent, beautiful moment of passion on that bed where he never slept because sleeping worried him more than staying awake in that infamous world. Erwin had been a gentleman, but Levi hadn't been able to contain the tears (a couple, no more) at the idea that the bastard was kissing him with infinite sweetness, touching him in places so hidden that Levi himself wondered if they actually existed, speaking to him in that bewitching tone when in his life he had never given anyone the chance to treat him that way.
What did he find so fascinating about someone like Erwin Smith that he got so angry with him if he didn't respect his intrinsic desires in that look that might have seemed normal to everyone's eyes, but hid more than he could imagine?
Without being too seen, he managed to sneak inside that canteen to blow from the distracted eyes of his fellow soldiers a few morsels of meat that, however, did not hurt.
He found himself eating in silence, hidden in a corner of that place that had become too noisy for his liking. The brats were screaming, yelling about who knows what, even arguing about some sausage while that idiot Hange giggled shamelessly.
Tch.
Anger had begun to tickle his brain again when he began to think that, if Erwin had been there with them, he too would have laughed with that foureyes, with his eyes closed as if he is really enjoying it and his cheeks flushed with who has drunk too much wine in a short time.
He clenched his fists, Levi, while his ear went back to the voices of two idiot brats who were screaming at each other the worst things, causing in those present condescending giggles and embarrassed scratches of the neck not indifferent.
Eren and Jean were punching each other, and it was bothering him.
He wasn't "having fun" as everyone else would have liked, and it was bothering him.
Erwin would leave tomorrow.
And that bothered him a lot.
He didn't even think about it as he walked over to those two idiots and hit Eren's stomach with a well-aimed kick and Jean's abdominal area with a punch. He wished he had been Erwin on the other side. He thought of him as he plunged his foot and his hand into those silly and soaked bodies of all that youth that he had no memories of having lived.
But that son of a bitch had shut himself up who knows where, probably to write the last seven hundred and fifty reports before his inevitable passing with that hand that couldn't even grab a fork.
He would also have beaten him to death if only he had not found himself in the position of having to obey him anyway, despite the fact that between them there was no longer that extremely formal relationship that there was at the beginning, although they often and willingly slept together (in the same bed, because Levi normally "slept" sitting at the desk) and despite the fact that they behaved like lovers although they had never seriously agreed on it.
It was obvious that he would die, or seriously injured, at best.
So why the fuck didn't he get it? Why the fuck did he want to risk so much?
Why the fuck didn't he want to hear it?
-Go to sleep.- he ordered those two, intent on breathing deeply agonizing on the ground, and the whole canteen that seemed to be paralyzed after his intervention.
Peace, calm, finally, after endless minutes of screams, coarse laughter and attitudes of those who were not in the least afraid for the suicide mission the next day. Or who was actually afraid, but that he was so good at hiding it.
-Didn't Erwin come?- Hange asked as he approached him, carefully avoiding touching his shoulder because they knew how much it bothered him.
Yet when Erwin touched him he didn't feel that unpleasant sensation in his stomach.
Levi did not answer, but he went to retrieve a glass and filled it with water. He drank as if he wanted to extinguish that infinite chaos that continued to squeeze his throat with his tapered and strong hands.
-Are you listening to me?- they insisted, placing herself in front of him with their arms outstretched. Hange had noticed their expression, there was definitely something wrong with him.
-Do you want me to kick you too?- he threatened them raising an eyebrow and looking at them -Fuck off, Hange.- he dismissed them with a nasty glare before walking in the opposite direction, feeling that water strangely disgusting and heavy.
He needed a quiet place to stay without anyone coming to bother him with every little bullshit. At that moment the more he was alone the better, he told himself as he headed towards one of the many doors that led to the steps leading into the city center.
-Once we retake Wall Maria and defeat all the enemies coming for us, will they come back? Those days...-
He recognized Mikasa's voice immediately, and out of the corner of his eye noticed the presence of Eren and Armin as he sat leaning against the bearing wall, being careful not to make any noise.
He didn't know what made him stay there when he might as well have left.
-We'll bring it back.- Eren sanctioned in a decisive tone, the same one he also had when he knew very well he was wrong -But some things are forever changed. We'll make them pay for that.
-But there's more than that.- Armin interjected, with a mysterious and suspended nuance in his voice -The sea.-
That word managed to ignite something in him that he could not understand, Levi, as he widened his eyes and momentarily held his breath.
He spoke exactly like him ...
-A salt lake so big that merchants could spend their whole life and still not get all the salt.- Erwin had explained it to him, always telling him the theories of his deceased father -There's more than just Titans outside the walls.- continued the blond raising the tone of voice more, revealing his euphoria - Fiery water, lands of ice, sandy snowfields ...-
Levi seemed to see those things clearly as if they had appeared to him there, before his eyes in that spot of the table that had suddenly become dark.
Erwin had said the exact same things to him, in the same euphoric, hopeful, expectant tone. The tone of a child who had never fully grown. The tone of a dreamer, an aspect that he too had once had, when he was forced to see that fucking chasm from his house overlooking the capital and knew that he would never be able to get out of that crap place.
His dream was to be able to go away with his friends, fucking all those people who for years had treated him like a rat in the sewer, to breathe an air of freedom, a clean air at least, not that it tasted of piss. and resentments.
-I joined the Scouts so I could see all that!- the boy then continued with a hint of a smile, judging by his voice.
What had he come in for, Levi?
Ah, yes, to kill Erwin and to be able to reserve a place on the surface.
Ironic how things had changed for him too, how that man they had ordered him to kill had become the reason to keep fighting, to live.
Levi had always craved freedom, for as long as he had memories, and he hated the fact that so many people could afford to leave the underground city while he was forced to flee, hide and fight for even a meager piece of bread.
After years he got used to it, but at what cost?
-So, let's start by seeing the sea!-
This had exclaimed Armin as he stood up with all the joy he could dispose of. The same joy he had when he was able to clean a room as he wanted and without wasting too much time...
The same joy that Erwin had in telling the anecdotes about his father and in confirming his ideas. The fact that outside the walls there was more, that only them did not exist and that it was such a big secret that it even led them to fear the government.
Erwin became incredibly elated when he remembered some clue left to him by his father in one of the many corners of his mind. And Levi, in his heart, loved to see him so serene, so childish, without that stoic air that represented him and that he was forced to wear like the emerald bow tie that defined his role.
-You still doubt that it's real, Eren! You'll see! It does exist! -
Even Erwin was more than convinced, he always told him.
But...would he be able to see it with his own eyes? Would he be able to fully enjoy it?
Or would he die before he could even think about it?
"There will come a moment when we learn the truth of our world, and I must be there for it."
Levi clenched both fists and clenched his teeth with all his strength, feeling stupid, useless, too paranoid for his liking.
He wasn't scheduled to get so pissed off about his decision, it wasn't plausible for someone like him. Until that moment he had always let him do something without saying a word, he had obeyed, he had done what he wanted...why that sudden change?
Why did the mere idea of letting him leave without an arm and obviously weaker get him so apprehensive?
And then...was it really just a mere concern what he felt from their last conversation a few hours ago?
Levi did not understand, and he hated not to understand in the same way that he hated that fucking attitude of him, as an indifferent bastard and as a masochist.
He felt he hated him at that moment, so much that he would have forced him to stay inside the walls even by force if necessary.
-We can explore the outside world! It's gotta be way bigger than inside the walls!- Armin exclaimed again in the background until he tried to make up his mind and forget his smiling face while replying the exact same things sitting at his desk with the sun beating on those shoulders they had endured quite a lot, but which, it seemed, did not seem to have reached the bearable limit.
Erwin still wanted to fight an enemy who was certainly more powerful than him, for a cause that was certainly greater than him.
Who was he to stop him?
Who was he, Levi Ackerman, to be able to keep him at the headquarters and force him to give up on pursuing his dream, that battle begun by his father years and years before?
Who was for Erwin fucking Smith ?
A comrade? A friend? A confidant?
A lover?
He swallowed one of the many bitter knots he had been carrying in his throat for hours, and quickly closed his eyes as he let his head lay on that wall which, frankly, he hoped was clean enough.
He was going to have to face him that night, but he didn't want to. He did not want and could not, because he knew that if he tried it would only be insults because he was not able to express himself as he wanted.
In short, how could he tell him so frankly that when they fucked he felt good, that he wasn't afraid to sleep a few more hours with him by his side, that when he kissed him he could see the stars, that his presence didn't give him the slightest annoyance, indeed, that made him finally feel alive?
How could an unsocial, grouchy and easily irritable person like him open up so much and reveal to him those things that for years he had voluntarily or involuntarily suffocated inside himself for fear of hurting others, but also himself?
How could he have told him that letting him go certainly scared him more than having to face a Titan alone and without holds high enough to be able to use the ODM gear correctly?
He had never been good with words, never, which is why he never pulled back when he felt like kissing him a certain way or touching him with a kind of lust that he had no recollection of ever possessing. He kissed him with some urgency to tell him to shut the fuck up, moaned uncontrollably to tell him he liked that, held him close to him to beg him not to leave.
Was he supposed to behave the same way tonight?
Or would it have been better for both of them if that mouth had used it in the most convenient way?
He snorted noisily as he struggled to his feet, glancing outside and noticing that there was miraculously an almost deathly silence, broken every now and then by indefinite giggles in the background and the last carriages that passed through the city undisturbed.
He didn't know what time it was, but he knew he had to go back to his quarters.
He hoped very much he wouldn't find him already lying on the bed.
Because in case he had no idea how he would react.