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I. They were partners, detectives.
It was right before the movie ended, the bad guy was about to fall down the building when it happened. Everything clicked in her brain.
It happened as she looked at her right, to those graying hairs on his head, a head that was resting half on the couch with his crystal eyes glued to the TV and not missing a second of the action, one that he has seen at least half a dozen times.
That's when it clicked. She realized that she was living the life she never imagined, but deep down always wanted, with a man she had never expected to step up and be present. And it was completely perfect.
Her circle was completely perfect, because Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Waltz into her life with food, laughs, love and support. She would be lying if the didn't accept the fact that she was still struggling to get used to all of it, 6 years later.
-You gonna watch the movie? It's almost the end. The best part- His thick accent soothed her and took her out of her own head. His eyes looking straight to her face and his smile brightening the dark space of the living room.
-Yeah.. I love this part too- Amanda said and return her head towards the TV but the brain still in the fact that he was there with them, always with them.
The little girls were passed out on the couch right next to them, Billie was sprawled next mom and Jesse had passed out on Carisi's chest over half and hour ago.
His feet were on top of the coffee table, his ridiculous socks matched the coffee cup, his jacket was over the back of the chair, and those expensive italian shoes he loved were somewhere near the front door with hers and the girls'. It hurt, it hurt because it was that perfect.
At this moment, she could only hear the clicks of puzzle pieces falling into place as Alan Rickman's screamed on his way down the building
- I have always wonder how you approach Alan Rickman for a movie like Die Hard-
-With a healthy paycheck, that's for sure- He laughed quietly, trying to not disturb the little beings with them. -You ready for tomorrow?-
-I guess, this trial has been on my head for so long, the only thing I want is him in jail, rotting for the rest of his life- Carisi's voice had this hurt and growl that was overwhelmingly filled with anger, brought goosebumps all over my body.
-I have never heard you this upset, or maybe I have but don't really remember-
-He hurt a little girl, 5 years old. And the only thing I could think about was what I would have done if I were the Molly's dad- He said that, while he caressed Jesse's hair. He kissed the top of the sleepy head and Amanda's heart hurt again and the click returned.
Her heart was squeezing hard inside of her chest.
-Yeah, I get it- She put my hand on top of his and we stared into each other's eyes.
II. Competition.
-Have you seen Carisi? I have tried to reach him but goes straight to voice mail- Liv left the office with a frown on her face and her hair in a bun after one of the longest, most horrible days she's had in a while.
It was going to be a long night for everyone in SVU with a serial murdered on the loose, 8 victims in total, and over 3 to study.
This last 3 months have been hell for Amanda and she wasn't sure how well she was handling it alone but she was hanging in there. She missed a companion, she missed her partner. She missed Carisi.
-He must be busy, I mean, being a DA and all, the amount of cases must be piling up with Brooks on vacation- Amanda said, because she missed him like a limb that was cut out of her body.
She got from her dad's and the news of him dating some girl, was a punch in the gut.
-Yeah, probably-
-Besides, it's over 10, he might be in bed- She chuckled. Dominick Carisi was a lot of things, but a night owl, wasnt one of them. Even though he did it for the job, boy was he up and about early.
-No, he told me he was going out with his girl, the Nicole chick- Fin came with coffee, the good kind and left Amanda speechless and without any air on her lungs once again. They all turned to her
-What? I didn't know. He doesnt talk about his relationship with her, with me. Ok?- Amanda said taking a sip of the coffee, praying for the ground to open a hole and swallow her.
-Yeah, I guess. Boy has been single for too long, always waiting on someone to pop by- Fin added. The point was made and she just pretended to moved on, sat down and went to her computer, trying to keep digging on the victims and ignoring all the looks she was getting for the rest of the squad.
Amanda didn't want to think over the fact that Carisi wasn't always going to be there, she had never thought about that possibility. Never. How selfish. She just took for granted that he would be there and that her kids would have uncle Sonny their entire lives and that ... live wouldn't really change.
But now, she was there, on the job, feeling as alone as she had ever felt, without even the possibility of reaching out to him.
She felt sick to her stomach.
She didn't want to loose him, she couldn't even bear the idea of that.
It clicked then. She wanted him in her life, always, 24/7. She wanted to know she could count on him as much as he could count on her. She wanted to call him up when she wasn't feeling her best, she wanted her lame stupid jokes, she wanted the late nights, the details on his days. She wanted all.
The pain clicked and didn't stop until the counselor got to the precinct at almost one o'clock with burgers and pastries for the crew.
-Carisi, we weren't expecting you. Didn't you have a hot date?- Liv asked
-I canceled it. I had an idea as I was about to leave, what if the guy met the girls in the station. I mean, they all worked around the same area and the only thing that all had in common was the fact that all worked in the same 5 miles radios. I say let's figure out how they went to work and we might find the link... after the burgers
-How didn't we think about that?- Fin was kind of pissed.- Why is this burger different?-
-Rollins', no onions and no mayo- He took it from Fin and gave to her. Her stomach did turns and leaped, as she opened it and he sat on the edge of her desk.
-Besides, Nicole takes the same bus, she lives around the area. I just thought...-
Carisi kept on talking but she channeled out. Her stomach turned again, this time, not pleasantly at all and for some reason, the burger didn't seemed so tasty after all.
Click Click.
III. She kissed him.
He was reading his speech and she couldnt stop thinking about those moments they shared. She saw his crystal blue eyes, moving across the paper on his hands and her throat closed up, eyes started to itch, wind making her hair dance.
She knew it, she knew it was coming and she couldnt look at him. She moved her sight away from him an into the Hudson.
-Are you crying?-
-No. I don't cry at weddings She didn´t, she cried over his lost, his return and his words.
-Ok- He said while using his handkerchief to take care of the tears running down her face.
Before the wedding Amanda found out that Nicole was history and that the different points in their lives were the biggest issue. Carisi hadn´t said anything, so she prefered to keep to herself.
-If I'm crying it's because I know how they end-
-Right-
That's the moment when it clicked, as he was drying her tears, as his eyes were on hers and his hand caressed her recently dried cheek. She knew it. Click. She wanted him, she could have him and she was going to have him.
-That's betta'-
She smiled and his eyes left hers quickly, maybe embarrassed but definitely nervous.
-Carisi- Her voice was soft as it traveled through the wind towards him.
She felt like that, she felt safe, loved and ready. Soft.
-What?- His eyes were uncertain, laughing and she was sure, he heard the tone.
Her hand on his chest, touching the tie just for her to move towards those lips and close the gap, a 6 year gap.
The kiss was soft, only a brush of lips, delicate as she felt.
Their eyes didn´t close, she didn´t want him to miss the wonder, nor the happiness that she felt. Fear, amazement and pure joy was what she saw in those 3 seconds.
She pulled off, only to move again this time without the fear, without the uncertainty and with a lot of need.
She felt full, she felt happy and when they opened their mouths, she felt needed.
She felt it all.
Their lips move in perfect synchrony as if they had practiced for years.
Maybe they had. There was no weirdness or awkwardness, just lotta need and desperation.
His hands were on her neck and she was sure, he could feel her pulse going crazy.
Her hands moved, a lot, she wanted to touch, she ruffled his hair, she moved down the jacket and got her arms around his neck when her legs couldn't support her anymore.
White noise. She would describe that first kiss always as white noise.
Then an annoying noise, a phone interrupted them, a vibrating on his jacket and a called from his boss. That's when they separated and she heard the clicks, all around, just a bunch of clicks.
IV. Runaway
Carisi was exhausted. Since his relationship with Rollins came out, and a heavy slap on both, he had done desk job as a penitence for the last few weeks. He knew it, their bosses knew it and Amanda felt bad about it.
Yes, he missed the going to trial and get dirty, he missed going to the field and looking at the crew doing their work, but he still had a job and had to resist for a few months until everything calmed down. Which considering the way the relationship exploded up on their faces, it might not be soon at all.
That day though, he was exhausted, all he wanted to do was go to bed, call it a early night and snuggle with Amanda till the next day. He needed peace, he craved it. After spending the entire day in an office, filled with people screaming, quiet was all his soul needed.
But when he got in front of the door of her apartment, she heard Billie crying, Jesse screaming and Amanda trying to calm down both of the girls. He sighed.
It wasn´t a lie that he stood in front of the door, for far too many minutes, wondering if he wanted to go in. He loved the girls, he was in love with their mom, but the idea of having to deal with that was so overwhelming he actually took a step back.
He wasn't sure if he could handle it , not today of all days.
But then, he heard "When is Sonny coming?", the five year old Rollins asking. His heart beat once, hard against his ribs. Then, theres was Amanda's voice "When he can. He might not come today, his day wasn´t easy, it was very hard and maybe he's too busy or too tired to come tonight". His heart broke a little.
That was it, that was his way out, he could walk back to the street, take a cab to his house and sleep all nigh, without waking in the night with little feets on his face or a snoring dog on his left.
Then again, his stomach turned with nauseous.
He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and got the door handle open.
-Daddy Sonny!- Jesse scream and ran up to him, hugging his middle as her beautiful blue eyes shone so bright and deep, could swear, he felt his heart mending. -I missed you!-
Franny was barking and moving her tail out of excitement.
-Oh, baby. I missed you too- He hugged her while dropping the case and taking off the shoes to look up to a tired Amanda Rollins, holding a teary eyed Billie.
-Counselor-
-Detective Rollins, Miss Billie. Are those tears I see?-
Billie left a bunch of random words, with hiccups in the middle and movements of hands, that reminded him of his niece. He only understood food and truck. That wasn't much of help
-Are you tired? -Jesse asked.
-I am. It was a hard day- He was honest with her.
-Can we make it better-
-Give a me a tight hug and I can swear, it'll turn around very quickly-
She hugged him tight around the shoulders and with all his left energy, he picked her up and walked up to the other blondes in his life.
-I got take out, Thai. It's about to be here. Take a shower and when you get here, we'll eat-
-Thai?-
-Yeah. It's been a hard day, so no cooking mister and I'm not asking italian for delivery, thank you very much! So, take a shower, the girls are bathed and ready to eat and then bed.
-Thank you, honeybunch- He let the silly pet name slide, making her and Jesse laugh.
-Go-
He got Jesse down with a kiss on her hair, a kiss Billie on her chubby cheek making her laugh and kissed Amanda Rollins on the lips, stealing a little of the heat of her. It all felt like fuel, the love.
As he took of the tie and the jacket, walking towards the bedroom, he heard Jess talking to Franny.
-Franny, don't have to bark no more. All the family is complete! Mom, dad, Billie, you and me!
Dad.
And that's the second he heard it, the puzzle pieces falling in place. His family was here, it was complete. He was a dad now, and real dad's don't ditch.
He was no runaway dad.