Work Text:
Prologue:
Kiara had always been a light sleeper.
That’s just how it was.
As a child she’d stay awake for hours, constantly on the verge of running into her parents bedroom when the sounds and the darkness of the night were too scary for her to deal with.
And although that particular fear faded pretty fast with time, it was just as easily replaced with other ones.
Kiara wasn’t a jumpy girl, wasn’t easily rattled or intimidated- but as she grew older, suddenly thrust into the awareness of being a teenage girl and all it’s challenges, worrying quickly became part of her nightly routine again (not voluntarily, of course).
It certainly didn’t help when her mother decided she was going to attend the kook academy, something Kiara had always frowned upon and felt out of place in. The pastel-coloured polo shirts and the upturned noses of the kooks were enough to make her run in the other direction- the Pogues, her family.
When she was with them, hanging out on the dock or getting high and laughing her ass off towards meaningless shit with her boys- that’s where she felt at home. That’s where she felt safe and happy and where the anxiety and restlessness of her life back home couldn’t quite reach her.
But that all changed during her kook-year, of course. She drifted from her boys. The anxiety clouded her priorities and she didn’t know what to do. Of course, she loved her boys and didn’t mean for them to drift apart, but at a certain point, the fear of not fitting in at her new kind kept her up every night, making her mind spin with anxiety.
And these restless, unbearable nights without sleeps became more frequent for Kiara as she walked through the halls of her new school, alone and slightly scared.
That was, until the one and only kook princess decided to ask Kiara if she wanted to go ‘save the turtles’.
Her life at the academy took a turn for the better, and suddenly she had all these so-called friends that swarmed around her and Sarah incessantly.
Kiara’s restless nights were fewer, but they never went away. Now, the social pressure was on, and Kiara, ever the tomboy, had to start worrying over how she looked.
This new, confusing fear had rarely bothered her before. Her father had always told her she was beautiful, and that had been enough then, but now, not so much. Sarah was the first to point out what a killer body you have, Kiara! And this simple, seemingly harmless comment was only the first of very many that Kiara started to receive, which made her even more self-conscious.
And as her kook-year went by, her sleepless nights seemed to fade in and out depending what her current level of self-confidence seemed to be. Standing next to Sarah Cameron all day certainly made you aware of your own imperfections, Kiara knew that much.
But the nights that were the hardest, when Kiara simply couldn’t shut her eyes, were the ones when she thought about her boys. Not Sarah, not Olivia or Scarlet or any of her new bubble-wrapped kook friends, no. Her boys. The Pogues. It was the worst kind of anxiety 15-year old Kiara had ever felt. The sudden pang of guilt she’d feel every time she saw John B post a picture on Instagram or when she’d see Pope deliver groceries to her neighbouring Kooks.
It hurt. It hurt so bad some nights, when she thought of JJ and all his stupid jokes and playful smiles, how he’d stay up with her some nights, play with her hair and tell stories until she could finally fall asleep.
Sometimes, she’d just cry and cry and cry, guilt drowning her completely, and she’d have to muffle her cries with her pillow to keep her parent from waking.
Other times, she could just lay there in silence, hours at a time, thinking about how she missed them. Wondering if they despised her for leaving them, for getting caught up in the kook-life.
Her mother certainly didn’t seem to notice this, no, Anna Carrera was all to content with the fact that her daughter finally was living the way she’d wanted her to. Mike on the other hand, he could see his daughters glossy eyes sometimes when they drove past the cut, he could see they she’d go quiet sometimes, and he understood. She missed her boys.
As her kook year came to an end, Kiara had learnt to deal with the pain. Well, somewhat deal with it. She started meditating, finding new techniques to relax her body when she couldn’t seem to find some peace.
And as summer approached, Kiara could finally surf again. Not with her boys, and certainly not with Sarah, but alone. Alone on the waves with nothing but her thoughts. It calmed her. Made her happy, peaceful.
All these little things, they felt like they were somehow bringing Kie back, not Kiara, the kook-princesses’ side-kick, but Kie, the girl who wore beaded necklaces instead of gold-chained ones, the girl who didn’t give a flying fuck about what others thought of her and who certainly didn’t need their approval. The girl she was before Sarah Cameron entered her life.
And Sarah Cameron, ever the girl to notice these types of things, definitely noticed Kiara was changing, becoming Kie again.
And a week later, Kiara was watching Sarah’s 16-birthday party in her room, alone, from an Instagram story.
The feeling of betrayal surged through Kiara, then guilt, then anxiety, then betrayal again.
The next few months were quite literally hell. Kiara couldn’t even so much as go to the grocery-store without hearing a snitch or rat coming her way.
If Kiara had somewhat learned to manage her sleepless nights before, she definitely couldn’t now.
Her nights were dark and cold, just like during the day. People didn’t talk to her in school anymore, and her so-called friends were the ones now talking shit behind her back.
A day in October, shit got real. A kid who Kiara had quite literally never seen before, gave her a sneer, before dumping the remaining contents of her lunch on Kiara’s head. People had laughed and filmed it, posted it to Insta.
That night, Kiara could only cry, trying to stay off her phone and ignore the spam of hate she was getting.
Her mother noticed.
It didn’t take much convincing, surprisingly, to let Kiara quit the Kook-academy. Apparently, all it took was some severe bullying and humiliation for her mother to deem it reasonable to change schools.
So when she returned to Kildare High, she could somewhat sleep again. The anxiety lessened.
But it was when she got back her boys that she could really sleep again.
It took a while, several weeks in fact, for Kiara to convince herself to drive to the Chateau, but she knew she had to.
John B was the first to let her back in, welcoming her with open arms as soon as he saw her car pull up.
Pope took a few weeks, but soon he relented, easing his tense shoulders around her once again.
JJ took the longest, not to Kie’s surprise, but dismay. He’d always had a hard time letting people in, Kiara knew that, but that shit hurt.
But after a month or so, when he’d heard her ramble on about the environmental crisis enough times to last a lifetime, he knew his Kie was back.
And Kie could feel it, how he accepted her again, as one of them, one of the Pogues.
This, out of everything, made Kie sleep at night. Relaxed, content and happy Kie that was soundly asleep.
But even though the old Kie was back, she had still changed. She wasn’t a naive little girl anymore. She had grown, in more ways than one- which the boys certainly seemed to notice.
She knew about their harmless little crushes on her- it was sweet, but they had a rule set in stone for that. No matter how many times JJ would throw her a cheesy pickup-line or flirt until it gave her butterflies, no matter how often he’d throw her over his shoulder and jump in the water or take her hand when she’d step on to the boat, no matter what- no Pogue-on-Pogue macking.
Because even if she knew, somewhere deep down that she liked JJ in a more-than- friendly way, she would never risk it. They were best friends, and she wasn’t about to screw that up again.
She didn’t want anything to change, anything at all. Life like this, with her boys, was perfect.
But then that summer came, that gold-searching, mind-boggling summer. It ended, well, pretty much in the worst way possible.
1.
Her two best friends, dead.
She and JJ and Pope, well, they handled it differently.
Pope distanced himself from them, threw himself into schoolwork and tried to ignore that anything had happened.
JJ, well, he drank. He surfed, skipped school, was a mess.
And Kiara, she simply couldn’t. She couldn’t cope. She couldn’t cry, she couldn’t think, and she couldn’t sleep.
The first few days, she didn’t leave her room at all, and Anna made it routine to slip in some food for her every few hours.
After 3 days, Kiara still hadn’t slept. Her body was physically tired, she could feel that, but her mind simply wouldn’t give in.
Every time she closed her eyes, she’d see John B, or Sarah, haunting her, and her eyes would fly open.
Eventually, she didn’t bother trying.
However, her mind was still suffocating her, leaving her alone with nothing and everything at the same time.
She needed to get out. Do something, anything. Her eyes wandered to her closet, where’d she’d stashed an old Smirnoff behind some old clothes.
Grabbing the bottle, she opened the lid and took a few sips, grimacing at the foul taste.
She opened her window, bottle in hand, and jumped out.
She wandered and wandered through the streets of the island, and finally, after half an hour, she ended up at the Chateau, bottle empty.
The alcohol was definitely hitting her, she felt it, but of the sight of John B’s old house in front of her made her feel the need for more.
As she stumbled towards the door, she saw JJ lying in the hammock, smoking a joint mindlessly.
Right now she didn’t care.
She just needed a drink, something to cloud her restless, yet exhausted mind.
“Kie?” He shouted, his eyes finding her when she stumbled loudly through the door. Kiara didn’t answer, only going straight to the liquor cabinet inside the old house. She heard him follow her, heard his footsteps behind her as she rummaged through all the kitchen cabinets.
“Kiara.” He said, voice low. “What are you doing?”
Kiara spun around, her hand going to the counter for balance, and she saw how JJ exhaled tiredly. One look. One fucking look at her and he could tell she was wasted.
“You’re drunk.”
Kiara sighed. “Not drunk enough.” Kiara muttered, turning around again to reach for the top cabinet where she knew there’d sometimes be some whisky laying around. She reached for the bottle, finding it just as JJ snatched it from her hands.
“Kie, no. That’s enough.” JJ whispered, and Kiara frowned, trying to grab the bottle from his hand again.
“Give it.” Kiara complained, slurring her words to no end. Her arms reached up for the bottle, but JJ was quite a bit taller then her, holding it far out of her reach.
“You’re already wasted, Kie, you don’t need more.”
Kiara sighed again, feeling like a child under JJ’s gaze.
How ironic, JJ Maybank of all people was playing babysitter.
“Then I’ll just go home again.” She muttered, walking towards the door again just as JJ gently grabbed her shoulders, stopping her.
The sun was setting outside, and JJ instantly decided that a very drunk Kiara was not walking back home alone in the dark.
“Okay, Kie, you’re not walking home right now, not like this.” JJ said softly, trying to reason with the girl.
“Yes, I-I am.” She mumbled, but JJ shook his head at her.
“Just sleep here.”
Kiara felt her throat tighten. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but just the thought of sleeping was enough to send a tear down her cheek.
“But J, I can’t sleep. I can’t.”
JJ furrowed his eyebrows, confusion clear on his features.
“What’d you mean Kie?” He asks, cupping her face and wiping away another tear that falls down her cheek.
“It’s like- I’ve got Insomnia or some shit, J. I’ve been awake for 3 days straight.” She closes her eyes, feeling JJ’s eyes on her as she finally begins to cry properly.
“Hey Kie, Kie- it’s okay. I can’t sleep either.” He whispers, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into him.
Kiara begins to feel guilty. She hadn’t even considered how JJ was feeling. He was probably just as distraught and tired as she was.
“I’m sorry.”
JJ raises an eyebrow, then pulls away from her slightly and detects the guilt swarming in her eyes.
“Shit, no, it’s fine Kie. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.”
Kiara nods sluggishly, alcohol still buzzing through her veins. She looks up at JJ again, trying to let any more tears fall.
“I just feel like- like I’m losing my mind, and I have no idea how to fix it.” She explains, voice hoarse and weak. JJ nods along, his fluffy golden hair bouncing lightly which somewhat distracts Kiara.
“Yeah, I feel like that too.”
They talk for a while longer, eventually just exchanging meaningless words that will keep them both distracted from their own thoughts.
As the hours pass on and night ascends upon them, it’s suddenly 1:00 AM in the morning, and Kiara’s lying in John B’s old bed, wide awake and considerably less drunk.
Back when she was a kid, she always loved John B’s room, where the ceiling was painted with small stars that illuminated the room at night. It brought her peace as a child, a source of light in the darkness.
Now, as a broken 16-year old, they didn’t do much for her. Sure, they were pretty to look at, but she still couldn’t sleep. Perhaps it was because the walls of that room belonged to her best friend who was now, unmistakably dead, and that thought definitely didn’t put her to sleep.
The problem was, Kiara was aching to sleep, she was desperate. 3 days without rest was simply too much for her, and she knew her body would probably collapse if her streak carried on to 4.
With that in mind, she rose from the creaky old bed, tiptoed out of the room and into Big John’s where JJ was. As she stood in the doorway, she noticed his thrashing and mumbling, perhaps arguing or fighting with someone. Nightmares, she thought.
Not wanting to startle him, Kiara simply whispered his name, avoiding to touch him.
“JJ.” She whispered. He didn’t answer.
“JJ. J, c’mon.” She tried again, and this time, his eyes fluttered open, wide and surprised.
“K-Kie?” He managed to mutter. She nodded.
“Hey, you alright?” She asked, her hand reaching for his shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, just-“ He exhaled, “Another shitty dream.” His gaze trailed up and down her body, analysing her shrunken figure and pale face.
“What about you, you okay?” He asked. She shrugged, then nodded at question.
“Just can’t sleep.”
A thoughtful expression settled on JJ, his eyes going from her, then back to his bed.
“You uh- you wanna maybe sleep in here?” He asked, and Kiara thought he’d never sounded so shy before. She smiled softly.
“If that’s okay with you?” she replied, but she already knew the answer from the way the corner of his lips quirked up.
“You know I’d never pass that up.” Kiara rolled her eyes, fighting a small smile of her own.
“Oh shut up.” She whispered back, her cheeks reddening when his toned arm grazed hers in the queen-sized bed (thank god it was dark).
With JJ beside her, something felt a little different, made her feel a little less threatened by all the fear and guilt that would normally gnaw away at her. Now, she almost felt safe. Her mind was slowing down, relaxing slightly.
“Night JJ.” She whispered, barely audible, but just enough for the blond beside her to hear.
“G’night Kie.” He mumbled back. She could tell he was already half-asleep, once again leaving her alone with her thoughts.
Half an hour went by, and JJ was out like a light beside her.
Kiara was awake.
She felt how JJ would move sometimes behind her, making the bed squeak and peep every few minutes.
Suddenly, he moved again, and Kiara could feel the warmth of his body only an inch or two apart from her.
Butterflies. God, she told herself, grow up. JJ was her best friend, not anything else.
She didn’t like him like that.
She didn’t.
Then, JJ’s arm reached out, snaking itself around her waist and gently pulling her towards him, his chest against her back.
Butterflies.
Kiara couldn’t deny it.
His warm touch relaxed her, anchored her, made her feel safe and sound. Made her feel like it was okay to close her eyes for a moment, let go of her worries for just a little while.
And before she knew it, she was out like a light.
——————————
When Kie woke up, the sun was shining through the window brightly, blinding her for a moment.
The feeling of something warm around her torso instantly made her turn, only for her to but heads with JJ.
“Morning princess.” He groaned, his hand grazing his forehead where they collided.
“Uhm- H-Hi,” Kiara mumbled, mentally slapping herself for her awkwardness.
“You sleep okay?” He asked in a raspy morning voice.
Kiara nodded. Yes. Holy shit, yes, she had actually slept.
She almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it. All it took, really, all it took to end her 72-hours-without-sleep-nightmare was for JJ fucking Maybank to put his arm around her.
Something about him, something about the way he held her, it had just totally changed everything.
For the first time in weeks, she wasn’t restless, she wasn’t worried or scared, her mind wasn’t clouded with fear and guilt the way it always was nowadays, no. He had changed something.
But Kiara let that thought rest, instead catching herself watching the blond beside her, noticing how toned his biceps were when he stretched them out and folded them under his head ever so casually.
Then she noticed that he noticed.
Shit.
Quicker than Pope could open a textbook, she averted her gaze, a warm blush spreading over her face.
Fuuuuuuck.
No, it was fine, Kiara told herself, just deny, deny, deny.
God, now she was even using his stupid quote.
And as she turned to him again, she could see that cheeky grin on his lips. He definitely noticed, And JJ wasn’t JJ if he didn’t use it against her.
“Kie, you got some drool right there,” One arm reaching forward, he grabbed her chin, squeezing her cheeks together as she pouted back at him childishly. “Yeah, right there.”
“Oh, fuck off..” Kiara began, lightly slapping his hand away from her as he put them up in mock surrender.
“Hey, you’re the one starin’, don’t blame me for your crimes, Kie.”
Kiara sighed, rolling her eyes at him. That boy would be the death of her.
“J, I’m seriously gonna murder you right now.” She warned playfully, ignoring the butterflies when he smiled that stupid smile back at her.
“Alright, alright, I’ll let you off the hook this time.” He groaned, falling back down on the bed with a loud exhale. Kiara’s eyes never left him, and she sat there for a while, looking at him, just appreciating his presence.
He really had done something for her that night. Given her a chance to rest, escape the overwhelming sadness for a little while. Given her peace.
His eyes caught hers again, and before JJ could make another ridiculous comment, Kiara was the one who spoke.
“Thank you.”
He raised a brow, not quite following. But when he saw the relief in her eyes, the thankfulness, he understood.
“Hey, no problem, Kie.” His voice was softer than before, gentle now, as if afraid to scare her off.
Kiara couldn’t help but move in a little closer, just a little, til’ their faces were just a couple inches apart. Her eyes flickered down to his lips, and she contemplated it. What was the worst that could happen?
“We gotta take care of each other right now, during all this shit.” JJ whispered, his breath fanning her hair lightly.
This was it.
Do it you idiot, he’s right there.
But of course, Kie couldn’t bring herself to do it.
She nodded towards him, then she shrugged, and he watched her move back slightly. She looked, taken aback?
Kiara moved off the bed, away from him, and JJ could practically see the anxiety flood back in her brain. Whatever moment they just had was clearly over.
Kiara bit her lip, then nodded again, more to herself then to JJ.
“Yeah, yeah. Like you said. We all gotta take care of each other- um, cause- cause thats what friends do, right?” She asked him, nodding along to herself. Friends. That’s what they were. That’s what JJ thought they were. Kiara had just been stupid- they were friends, nothing more, and anything that had happened that night was strictly platonic.
And even if it twisted her gut to make this conclusion, even if JJ was currently looking at her with disheartened eyes, it seemed most reasonable.
Really.
First and foremost, JJ flirted with everyone. It was just in his nature, and Kiara knew that.
Secondly, JJ was loyal to a fault. He would do anything for his friends. Anything to make them feel better, even if that meant holding Kiara in way that felt a little more then friendly. It was platonic, Kiara knew that.
And third, they were best friends. Even if the rules for their friendship sometimes felt blurred, that’s all they were. And Kiara didn’t want to risk losing that.
So, any urges to suddenly crash her lips onto his were now pushed down, ignored and neglected, and Kiara gave him a big fake smile, one she knew he’d see right through anyways.
“So,” She began, voice a little too cheery for the situation, “you want pancakes?”
———
2.
School had just begun again, the early days of September quickly chasing away the heat that summer brung.
Normally this time of year, JJ would slowly descend back into his dramatic little ‘winter-depression’ as John B would called, which basically meant JJ would be grumpy for a few weeks because the water was too cold to surf in anymore.
But this year, this day, JJ was anything but grumpy. All of his nightmares, they turned out to be for nothing. John B and Sarah were alive, and JJ was back to being JJ, pumped and ready to clear John B’s name once and for all.
Turns out, though, that that shit was harder then it looked.
They gathered the evidence they needed, filmed Ward as he murdered Gavin, only for Kiara to decide to yell “MURDERER”, which then alerted him of their presence.
Yeah, shit went sideways and they lost the evidence.
They even went the extra mile, went to the police station and really tried to convinced Shoupe of the murder, but with the camera broken and Shoupe deeming the three of them untrustworthy for some reason, there wasn’t much they could do.
Pope went home that night, not wanting to stay at the Chateau with Kie since shit had been so awkward between them. JJ on the other hand, he was there. The Chateau was practically his home now anyways, but even then, there were other, more underlying reasons for him to stay there.
Rafe and Ward, murders, Barry the drug-dealer, were all walking free, and very aware of where the Pogues lived. Call it what you want, but JJ didn’t like Kie staying there alone.
So the two of them drove back there in silence, headed off to separate bedrooms and merely tried to grasp what had actually gone down that night.
And JJ lay awake for a long time, not even wanting to close his eyes. Because then, the nightmares would come. Gavin’s last pleading look before Ward finished him off, John B and Sarah desperately trying to stay above the surface, his fathers sadistic grin before landing another blow. Yeah, no. Better to stay awake.
Ironically enough, JJ knew he wasn’t the one to beat, very much aware of the fact that his friend in the other room probably was struggling even worse than him.
He knew about Kie’s Insomnia problem, even if she only ever talked about it when she was drunk. Kiara wasn’t one to complain, especially not in front of the boys, and JJ thought it was some strange guilt-trip she’d concocted for herself that didn’t allow her to complain about her personal-life in front of them.
So even though Kiara didn’t straight up tell JJ, he could still tell. He had for a long time. The way she’d go quiet when she hadn’t slept, the way she’d pass out on the hammock during odd hours of the day, the way she’d started sneaking her yawns so JJ wouldn’t notice.
But he always did.
It was Kiara, and JJ figured, when you’re in love with somebody as long as JJ had loved her, you learn to read them, understand them in ways you never would otherwise, notice things you didn’t notice before. And JJ did. He noticed.
He could see how she had begun to change lately, ever since the Phantom went down, a new fire lurked inside her. An anger, a recklessness and a constant itch to do something, fight someone, anything.
He could relate to it, for sure, all those pent up feelings of anger and a need for justice when nothing was going your way. And eventually, it boiled over, just like a volcano waiting to explode.
He could see it happening to her. Watching a man get murdered, reporting it to the cops only for them not to fucking believe her. That was the last straw. Shit had been building up for her for a while, and now, Kiara was at her tipping point, and JJ could see it.
With that in mind, eluding from the fact that he couldn’t sleep either, he decided to go to John B’s room, where Kiara was without doubt lying wide awake.
He knocked on the door a couple times, then decided screw it, and just walked in.
“Okay, I could practically feel the anger radiate off you from the other room.” JJ says in a matter-of-fact voice, slightly startling Kiara who was now sitting up in the bed, eyebrows furrowed.
“Uh- what?” Kiara groaned, tilting her head slightly.
“C’mon, let’s go!” JJ urged on, but she clearly wasn’t following.
“Um, where- where exactly are we going?”
“I can’t sleep, and I know you definitely can’t sleep, so we’re gonna blow off some steam, c’mon!”
“And how do you plan for us to do that?” Kiara asked in a suspicious tone.
“Surfing!” JJ said, giving her a toothy grin as Kiara shook her head.
Knowing JJ wouldn’t relent, Kiara exhaled, slowly getting out of the bed. “Fine, fine, just get out, I gotta change first.” Kiara, explained, walking up to him and shooing him out. Just when she was about to close the door, JJ stopped, turning towards her abruptly so she accidentally bumped in to his chest.
“You sure you want me to get out?” JJ winked, a smile playing on his lips, and Kie couldn’t help but glance down to them for just a moment before dutifully rolling her eyes at his comment.
“Out. Now.”
————————
Despite the grouchy face Kiara was pulling for JJ, she was secretly thankful that he’d driven them here, to the south-end beach, where they both could escape their own thoughts for a couple hours.
The waves crashed surprisingly gently that night, despite the winds that September usually brought. It was calm.
Moments like these were few and wide nowadays, and it was nice to find a moment of solace among their whirlwind of chaos.
This was a thing between JJ and Kiara, seeking out moments in the night where they could relax, breathe out, when their lives felt a little too turbulent.
But night-surfing wasn’t the only JJ and Kie thing, no, in fact, there was a whole list of things. Sharing a blunt at 3 in the morning when everyone had fallen asleep, Kiara softly strumming her ukulele on the dock while JJ looked at the stars, JJ gently braiding Kiara’s hair until she was able to close her eyes.
Night-surfing had only become the most recent addition to their little list, but Kiara suspected it was already JJ’s favourite. Go figure.
“You ready?” He asked, standing beside her. Kiara nodded briefly before suddenly sprinting past him, catching him off-guard so he wouldn’t reach the water before her.
“Ey! What the hell Kie, wait up!” He shouted, suddenly in a sprint himself to catch up with the brunette as she laughed in the distance.
As soon as her board hit the water, Kiara was paddling like a crazy person to get out to the waves before JJ, which she’d be able to tease him about for weeks on end after that. JJ, of course, claimed to be the almighty god of surfing, which the other boys, for some reason, never had particularly fought him on. Kiara however, had always been determined to prove him wrong, show him that she was just as good. And Kiara was good, pretty great, in fact. Much better than Pope, who always overanalysed the waves and often let it get the best of him. She could out-surf John B, too, who was uncoordinated and almost clumsy on his board at times.
JJ and her, though, they were the ones with the never-ending feud Kiara was agile, quick on her feet and light on her board, which made her surfing seem almost effortless. JJ However, could turn sharper, go further in to the wave and still come out standing, which he always held over her head.
But now, Kiara could almost feel victory, convinced that JJ was faaar behind her. Of course, he wasn’t, and suddenly he was right beside her, and then in front of her. What the hell.
His biceps flexed as he smirked back at her, and Kiara could feel her cheeks redden with both frustration and fluster.
What was he doing to her?
Something, that was for sure. But Kiara couldn’t let him see that. She was full of pride, and letting JJ affect her this easily was not okay.
Determined to peg him down a notch, maybe peg herself up a notch, Kiara paddled. For the life of her she paddled, reaching JJ just in time so they’d both ride the same wave.
This was a pretty shitty thing to do. Kiara knew that. The boys would to it to each other sometimes, ride the same wave, intentionally collide in to each other just to irritate the other. For them it was fine. But for some, reason, they never did it to Kie.
And even though Kiara was all for fighting their slight internalised misogyny every step of the way, she couldn’t really feel herself longing for the feeling of getting tackled from her board by one of the boys.
Now, however, for some dumb reason, Kiara was gonna follow through with this. Just to humble the blonde boy in front of her a little.
JJ was a couple metres further from the crest of the wave then Kie, and he hadn’t yet spotted her. She gained some momentum, almost being sucked in to the barrel herself, but steadied herself just in time for JJ to see her. His eyes widened, subtle panic subduing in his eyes as he yelled for her to move, but it was already too late.
Kiara crashed in to him with force, accidentally letting a girlish scream erupt from her lips as they both fell off their boards. JJ plunged in the water just before Kiara, but was able to wrap an arm around her waist quickly, right before the wave’s current would’ve brought her with it.
A couple seconds later, Kiara opened her eyes in the dark, salty water, and tried to locate JJ, who was no longer holding on to her. As her lungs emptied of air, she shot up to the surface, still glancing around for JJ, who was nowhere to be found.
“JJ?” She called out.
No response.
“JJ, this isn’t funny!” She shouted sternly, but no-one answered. She glanced around again, itching to see that mop of blonde hair somewhere.
An unsettling feeling began to spread through her, and her eyes began to look around for him a little more frantically.
“JJ!”
Nothing.
Okay, now she was officially allowed to panic.
Anxiety consumed her thoughts in an instant, asking question after question that she didn’t have the answer to.
Where was he? Had the current taken him? Was he unconscious? Shit. This was all her fault. Kiara’s. What if he was tumbling around right now, somewhere in the dark, unconscious, all because she had to show him up? It was dark out right now, what if she couldn’t find him? What if-
Strong arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her down as she let out a shriek in surprise. She struggled for a moment in the water, prying at the arms that restrained her, not quite grasping what was happening. Then, a familiar laugh erupted from behind her, and Kiara finally exhaled, relaxing in his grip.
Asshole.
An arm still wrapped around her, JJ shot up to the surface half a metre above them, still laughing when his lungs reached for air. Kiara pried his arm off of her, pushed herself away from him, and sent him an angry glare.
“What the actual fuck JJ?! I thought you’d gone under!”
JJ tilted his head, smirking at her.
“Aw, you’re worrying about me? Must mean you kinda love me, don’t it?” He winked, and Kiara splashed him, barely holding on to her serious expression.
“You’re an idiot, you know that?”
“Yeeeeah, but an idiot you love.” He said, grinning, and Kiara rolled her eyes, fighting a smile.
I do love you.
————————————
The pair surfed for a few more hours, dawn reaching them at around 4 am when the sun began to rise.
After Kiara’s 3rd wipeout, she called it a day, or perhaps night, and paddled to shore. JJ didn’t last much longer, and after 15 minutes or so, he too made his way back to the beach.
Kiara lay in the sand, her eyes grazing the faint stars that were disappearing in the morning sky, when she heard JJ’s footsteps in the sand. She sat up slightly, her elbows against the sand for support.
“Waves tire you yet?”
“Yeah man, I’m beat.” JJ said, plopping down beside her.
“I could tell, those burly lefts were kinda kickin’ your ass out there.”
JJ scoffed, turning towards her.
“Oh I was getting my ass kicked?” He retorted, and Kiara nodded, smirking.
“That’s what I said, didn’t I?” She asked in a playful tone, but regretted it when she saw then mischievous glint in his eyes, shaking her head. “JJ, no.”
“JJ, yes.” He said mockingly, and Kiara swiftly moved to stand up, but JJ had already pulled her in to him, his arms encircling her waist once again. He stood up, lifting Kiara up off the ground as she pushed at his shoulders.
“JJ I swear if you don’t-“ Kiara began, but JJ just chuckled as she withered around in his grip. She pushed at his shoulders again, harder, and he stumbled a few steps, almost losing balance. Here was the thing; JJ was strong, much stronger than Kiara, but Kiara was stubborn. She pushed him once again, harder, and JJ was caught off guard- accidentally sending them both tumbling to the sand.
Kiara groaned, then caught JJ doing the same beside her. She quickly made her move, straddling JJ’s hips. Placing her hands on his shoulders, she pressed him down a little, convinced that she got him pinned.
“Ha, I win.” She said triumphantly, hoping it would tick off the boy underneath her, but he just smirked, and Kiara second-guessed herself for a second. Suddenly, JJ rolled to his side, causing Kiara to fall off off of him and land beside him again. Before Kie could react, a heavy weight settled on her hips, JJ now copying her previous actions. His calloused hands wrapped around her small wrists swiftly, pinning them by either side of her head. Kiara pouted dramatically, fighting against him for a moment only to realise there was no point. She was stuck.
The blonde sat above her contently, taunting her with a shit-eating grin. Kiara pouted again, until JJ suddenly leaned down, making her hold her breath at their all new close proximity. “You sure you won?” He teased, blue eyes locking with her brown ones, and Kiara almost nodded. Oh yes, she was definitely winning right now. His eyes flickered down to her lips, and she could literally see him contemplating it. Do it.
For a second everything was still. Just Kiara and JJ, inches apart, about to risk it all. This was a tipping point, an action at which the damage could be irreversible, detrimental to their friendship.
Yet, Kiara didn’t mind. Her back was arching, she was leaning in to it. She wanted this. She wanted him, despite the risk.
But JJ blinked a couple times, hovered awkwardly above her, and Kiara slowly exhaled. He hesitated. Fuck. He didn’t like her like that. Kiara’s throat tightened, suddenly feeling an overwhelming need to run, hide, escape her current predicament.
JJ leaned back, breaking eye contact with her as he released her wrists, although still awkwardly sitting on her hips. Kiara cleared her throat as if to signify him, and JJ took the hint, getting off of her quickly and taking a few small steps back. Kiara sat up, shifting her gaze on to the water, wondering if he’d notice if she made a run for it.
“I- uh, I gotta go.” She said, voice strained as she stood up and dusted the sand off her hands, grabbing her board. JJ didn’t reply, and Kiara took that as her sign. She turned, started walking when she heard his voice again.
“No- Kie, wait, just-“ Great, now he was gonna give her the whole friendship speech, tell her how much he likes her as a friend, that he doesn’t think of her as anything else. Kiara’s stomach twisted, almost giving her the urge to throw up. She couldn’t take this right now. Not after everything that had happened.
“No, no- JJ, it’s fine, alright? I just have to go.” She interrupted, giving him a half hearted smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
JJ stared at her for a moment, then nodded slowly, a pained expression on his face. “Yeah, yeah. See you t’morrow.”
——————————
Kiara walked home, snuck back through her window and in to her room.
She’d fought tears pretty much the whole way back, but she couldn’t take it anymore.
This shit fucking sucked. Kiara and rejection- well, they didn’t go well together.
First it was Figure Eight- year after year her parents tried to work their way in, fit in with their fellow kooks, but it wasn’t easy. And poor Anna, who had all the hopes that her daughter would be just like her, tried to make Kiara just like her, couldn’t have been more wrong. And as much as Kiara rejected the Kook-lifestyle, it rejected her. Every day, comments were made about how Anna Carrera’s kid didn’t belong, that she wasn’t really one of them.
And they were right, but not for the right reasons.
Rejection never seemed to reach her with the Pogues. Her real family, who didn’t have expectation after expectation set in place for her, who loved her no matter what.
Then it was the kook-academy. Rejection everywhere she looked, reminding her of how she wasn’t good enough.
And then, Sarah Cameron. One of the only people Kiara had truly opened up with, let her guard down, trusted- just to have it slammed in her face again.
Rejected.
And now, it was all happening again. Rejected by her best friend. Except this time, it wasn’t Sarah- it was JJ, which made it a million times worse.
It stung. Kiara had actually thought JJ liked her. And not just in some flirty, hook-up sort of way. Kiara thought-
Kiara thought maybe he liked her liked her, like she did him.
And she knew how that sounded, but it didn’t feel unreasonable, not in the moment. The looks he gave her, the way he spoke to her, the way he protected her. It didn’t feel platonic.
But who knows? Maybe Kiara had just been living in a fantasy, only seeing the things she wanted.
And today, JJ had finally burst her bubble, rejected her in a way that was all too clear.
It was too much. Too much to think about, too much to feel.
Exhaustion seemed to occupy her mind instead, sending her in to a deep sleep that she never wanted to wake up from.
———————————————————————————
3.
Kie couldn’t exactly tell what time it was. It was dark out, though, and the little fire they’d built had faded. Her friends were huddled around it, clinging to the last remains of the warmth that the flames had offered.
Sarah and John B were at the far end, sound asleep in each others arms, surprisingly still. Every night, Kiara had been awake to hear one of the two cry out, nightmares making them relive all the shit they’d gone through.
Sarah had it worst, though.
The girl in front of her couldn’t possibly have been the same Sarah Cameron Kiara used to be best friends with. The cheery, adventurous, happy-go-lucky Sarah Cameron that always wore a smile. Where was she?
This new Sarah, who wore a blue bruise that circled all the way around her neck, wasn’t familiar to Kiara.
This new Sarah, who flinched every time someone approached her, who jumped every time someone touched her. Who almost solely spoke to John B, and even then, just whispers from a strained voice, severely damaged by the strangling from her own father.
John B wasn’t doing well either, but he was trying, or trying to try at least, for Sarah.
In truth, none of them were doing particularly well.
Kiara had issues of her own.
For one, she couldn’t sleep. The nights were long and dark, lonesome for Kiara. With nobody else awake, she was left her thoughts, left alone with the anxiety and worry and uncertainty.
Left alone with the the thought of her parents.
Her parents, who she’d fucked over so badly, disregarded their feelings and concerns, thrown em’ under the buss. Who she loved more than absolutely anything, but hated at the same time.
Left alone with the thought of Pope, how much she’d screwed things up with him. Not that she regretted it. They just weren’t right for each other. But things should’ve gone down differently, she should’ve acted differently. And even though they’d hugged it out, said they were cool and that everything was good, Kiara couldn’t hinder the guilt she felt.
Left alone with the thought of Sarah and John B, who somehow seemed to dodge death every time.
But it wasn’t luck, it was coincidence.
People didn’t survive like this. Like the Pogues had.
People died.
It was inevitable, these close-calls wouldn’t last much longer.
But no one else seemed to notice, or care. Just Kiara.
Her and her friends, constantly on the verge of dying.
Sarah, caught up in her fathers and brothers messes, who time after time try to kill her.
John B, who keeps being the victim of an unfair system that make it possible for people like Ward and Rafe to go after him without much consequence.
Pope, who risks his life for a cross again and again, stung by bees, beat up by rafe, kidnapped by the Limbrey’s.
And JJ, who was literally about to die protecting Kiara.
Him in her arms, unconscious, bleeding, his weight quite literally dragging them both down.
It felt like hours, days, an endless struggle that quickly took a toll on Kiara.
Her legs fell asleep, her arms were beginning to fall- she couldn’t keep them up anymore, couldn’t hold JJ and her above the surface.
Her eyes began to close, the light of day fading away from her.
She was going to die now.
The last thing she thought of was JJ, still in between her arms.
“I’m sorry..” She whispered.
Her head sank backwards, in to the water, finally giving in to the ocean.
Then, suddenly, arms were pulling at her, forcing her to wake back up. Her eyes fluttered back open, she coughed out some water.
Sarah. John B. Pope. Cleo. All around her, in a lifeboat. JJ, beside her, still unconscious.
The next minute was a blur.
Pope and Kiara were screaming at JJ, pleading for him to wake up.
Cleo was yelling at John B, who couldn’t get the motor to work.
Sarah was staring at Rafe, who held a gun towards the boat, with begging , tearful eyes.
The shot never came. The motor started. But JJ was still unconscious.
“Wake up! Please, wake up!” Kiara pleaded, throat burning and tear-stained cheeks.
This wasn’t happening.
JJ wasn’t dying.
Kiara had pictured them all die in the last week- morbidly enough, tried to prepare herself for the possibility.
But she couldn’t with JJ.
She saw nothing.
Just an empty darkness, an unforgiving sorrow consuming her completely.
It couldn’t happen.
She couldn’t let him slip away, leave her. Not JJ. Not the person who’d annoyed and teased her for years on end, made her feel angry, crazy, furious to no extent. The person who could take her mind off anything, make her laugh in the worst possible situations. The person who stayed up with her when she couldn’t sleep, who hugged her a little tighter, looked at her a little longer. Who, out of everyone, Kiara always found herself gravitating towards.
The person she was in love with.
Holy shit.
She was in love with JJ.
She hadn’t noticed it then, when JJ finally had woken up- too busy throwing him in to a hug and listening to their friends tease him.
She hadn’t noticed it later, when JJ subtly offered his hand to her, or when he went to put his arm around her.
Shit, she hadn’t even noticed when she caught herself staring at him through the fire, mesmerised by how his eyes glowed from the flames.
No, she noticed now.
When everyone else was passed out, when Kiara was the only one awake, alone with her thoughts.
Or so she thought.
“You okay?” She heard a low, husky voice ask.
Of course he was awake.
She turned a little, meeting his eyes as he sat down next to her.
His blond hair blew softly in the wind, and Kiara shivered at the sudden cold.
JJ looked her up and down, reading her thoughts like she was a book, and put his arm around shoulders- pulling her in to his side.
Kiara sighed a little, but didn’t fight it, instead leaning her head on his shoulder.
“You always do this.” She whispered.
“Do what?”
“Stay up with me.”
She felt him shrug a little. “Yeah, so?”
“Well, you don’t have to.” She said, nudging him gently with her elbow. “I know you want to sleep.”
“I don’t mind, Kie, really.”
But Kiara didn’t understand.
“But why don’t you mind? Aren’t you tired?”
“Yeah, but, I dunno” JJ began, “I know when when you’re awake like this, it’s cause you’re buggin’ about something.”
Kiara didn’t answer, remaining quiet, leaving JJ to continue.
“So, what is it? What’re you worryin’ about?”
“You.” Kie whispered, too quietly for JJ to hear.
“What?”
“You.” She whispered again, louder, pulling away from JJ so she could meet his eyes. “You’re the one I’m worrying about.”
She could see JJ ponder her answer in his eyes, obviously not expecting her to say that.
“Well, whatcha’ doing that for?” He asked, his face slowly inching closer to hers.
Because I love you.
“Cause I don’t like seeing you drowning, JJ.” Her jaw clenched, and she turned her head, facing the ocean to avoid his blue eyes. “Don’t do that again.”
“So.. you can’t sleep, because of me.” JJ muttered, his head dropping a little.
Kiara didn’t like the guilt in his eyes, the blame he immediately fixed on himself.
“It’s not your fault, you know that-
“No, it is my fault, Kie. One way or another, I’m always dragging you down, don’t you see that?” I make you go down in that storm drain, you almost drown. I leave you in the car with my dad. I convince you to get on the Coastal Venture, oh, and almost let that guy hit you with a machete! Then you jump in after me, almost fucking drowning all over again! I mean goddamn it Kie, how can’t you see that I’m not worth it-
Kiara barely registers JJ’s shell-shocked expression when she reaches up and kisses him, effectively interrupting his little speech.
it’s rushed and impulsive, and Kiara wonders if she should pull away, but JJ’s lips are right there, and they’re so soft. As her hands come up to gently cup his face, she notices how still he is, so unlike the jittery JJ she’s used to.
His lack of movement is a sign. It has to be. She’s the only one initiating this- it’s a one-sided kiss.
Shit. He doesn’t want this.
Kiara, who feels the guilt and embarrassment start to creep up on her, begins to pull away, their lips parting.
Fuck. What have I done? Have I just ruined everything?
She catches his eyes on her when they’re a few inches apart, burning in to her own.
Kiara needs to run away, flee, escape this nightmare of a rejection. She can’t take it. Her eyes flicker to the ground, no longer able to look at him.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-
A hand tilts her chin upwards, the same soft lips as before crashing on to hers. But now, he’s the one initiating it, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer.
What’s happening?
Wait, what?
It’s softer than the first one, more care to it and less rushed, and JJ’s knows exactly what he’s doing.
Damn, he’s good.
After a minute, when Kiara finally begins to comprehend what’s happening, it’s JJ who pulls away.
He doesn’t say anything, but an easy going smirk rests on his lips, and Kiara just knows what he’s about to to.
“I always knew you wanted me, Kie.”
Kiara dutifully rolls her eyes and laughs, effectively dismissing him, just like always.
“In your nasty dreams.” She mutters quietly.
Kiara doesn’t know what’s wrong with herself- why she has to ruin this, but something about this seems to tick her off. Something about the way he’s able to handle everything with such ease, how relaxed he is in a situation like this. A situation that should be serious and awkward, hard to understand. Then again, that’s only how Kiara felt. She’d been waiting for this moment for so long, for him to kiss her, tell her he feels the same way. Instead, he just brushes it off, acts like it’s nothing unusual and that it’s not a big deal.
It feels like it doesn’t matter to him.
it feels like rejection.
Standing up, she dusts some sand off her clothes. “I’m going to sleep.”
He doesn’t care.
“Kie, wait up.” She hears him call behind her, “Me too.”
He catches up with her, and they head back to their sleeping circle of friends.
Kiara lays down, tucking her elbow underneath her head as a pillow of sorts. God, she wishes she had a real one. JJ lays down right beside her, put’s a hand on her shoulder, and whispers, “Night Kie.”
She hates how it gives her butterflies.
“Night JJ.”
————————
Farther in to the night, Kiara’s been drifting in and out of sleep, waking up every so often when she remembers everything that’s happened.
She’s half-asleep, in that place in between, when you can’t quite tell what’s real and not. For a second she ponders where she is. She might be home, in her own bed, back at the Outer Banks. Maybe it was all a dream. Everything the’ve went through, just one long nightmare.
A deafening scream, light and raspy, desperate, suddenly startles her.
Something’s wrong.
A scream like this isn’t just made from nightmares. It’s real. It’s Sarah’s.
Kiara wants to wake up now, console her best friend, but she can’t. She’s stuck in that in between place, not quite asleep and not quite awake.
But she knows this is real.
Images flash across her face- It’s Sarah, struggling, screaming, crying. Her fathers hands are around her neck, her feet are slowly being lifted from the ground.
Kiara doesn’t want to see this.
Another scream, high- pitched and frantic, too raw, too real.
Goddamn it. Wake up. Wake up.
“Wake up, Kie.” A darker voice whispers, a real voice. JJ.
She struggles, but her body refuses. It’s been deprived of sleep for so long, it simply won’t relent now.
She thrashes around, desperate to rid the images in her mind of a pale, motionless Sarah.
“Wake up, Kiara.” JJ whispers to her again, a little closer.
She can’t wake up. It’s impossible.
Again, Sarah’s screams cut through the air, startling Kiara. She can’t take this.
Still thrashing around hopelessly, she tries to fight her own body, willing it to just wake up.
But as her own force of will doesn’t seem to be enough, a new, sudden force of electricity seems to jolt her awake. It’s JJ’s hand on her shoulder. Go figure.
Her eyes are wild, desperately searching for some point of calm to anchor her, when they land on JJ.
“Kie, hey. You’re alright.” He reassures, his hands on her shoulders. Kie nods, taking a breath.
“W-where is everyone? Where’s Sarah? I heard her scream!”
JJ nodded slowly, trying to calm his own voice before he spoke.
“She uh- she kinda broke down.”
Kiara almost feels sick.
She knew everyone was at their tipping point right now, just waiting for a moment to explode and actually acknowledge everything that’s gone down.
“She ran off?” Kiara questioned, trying to gather her thoughts.
“Yeah. Mentioned something faint about Ward, and then, I- she started like hyperventilating. Nobody else was awake yet, Kie, just me, and I didn’t fucking know how to help her. I was waking John B and Pope up, and I swear- when I looked back, Sarah was gone. Outta thin air, just, like, poof, y’know?” JJ replied in a shaky voice, his hands motioning everything.
“Shit.”
The others didn’t know something about Sarah. Back in Kiara’s Kook year, when she’d been let behind the curtain of Sarah’s picture perfect life, she’d learned that the princess wasn’t as untouchable as everyone thought.
Sarah Cameron suffered from panic attacks.
Back then, they were usually about harmless little things, like if Sarah failed a test or if Dennis hadn’t called her back. Naturally, as Sarah’s closest friend, Kiara learned how to help.
Validate their feelings. Engage in light conversation. Tell them they’re safe.
She’d helped Sarah several times with this during their freshman year, always by her side.
But the Pogues, Cleo, Pope, JJ, even John B, didn’t know how to help the girl in a situation like this. Kiara did. She needed to find Sarah.
“C’mon, we gotta find her.” She said, standing up hastily. “Are the others already looking for her?”
JJ nodded, quickly walking alongside her as they left the campsite.
“Tell me how she looked.”
JJ shrugged, confused, “I dunno, you know Sarah- pretty hot, blonde hair-
“No you idiot, was she pale? Sweating? Shaking?”
JJ nodded again as they walked. “Yep, all of the above.”
———————
After some screaming, yelling and some strange in between, someone finally seemed to answer Kiara and JJ’s calls.
Pope ran towards them in the distance, waving his hands frantically to alert them of his presence. Kiara and JJ shared a quick glance, then ran towards Pope.
“Where is she?” Kiara asked, chest heaving for air.
“She’s- she’s over there.” Pope pointed them toward the far end of the island, making Kiara exhale, “Kie, whatever’s going on with her, she’s in a really bad place right now. Like bad bad.”
“I know, I know- Pope, I think Sarah’s having a panic attack.”
JJ’s jaw dropped and Pope widened his eyes.
“Oh shit.”
“But, I- if I can get to her- she used to have them back in school, I know how to help her.”
“Ok.”
So they ran and ran, hoping to reach Sarah before things could get out of hand. Kiara would fall behind sometimes, cursing JJ and Pope for being so quick.
Eventually, after what seemed like 10 years, Kiara finally spotted them. Cleo, John B, Sarah.
She was sat up against a palm tree, her hands on her chest, hyperventilating while John B held her in his arms, trying to calm her down.
Kiara stalked up to them hurriedly, JJ and Pope straight behind her, and tried to grasp the situation.
“John B.” Kiara said in a low voice, hoping to get the boys attention. He didn’t seem to hear her, perhaps because he was so desperate to calm Sarah, which made him almost unreachable.
“John B, move.” She whispered again, harsher. John B met her eyes only for a second, and Kiara could see that familiar, unsettling chaos that had swept in his eyes the past few weeks. But John B seemed to react different. When he saw Kiara, something small, almost unnoticeable shifted in his behaviour. The swirl of chaos lessened. He knew she was there to help.
So, he gently moved aside, letting Kiara take his place by Sarah.
“Ok. You all, you need to leave for a little while. You’re crowding her, understand?” There wasn’t any menace, or attitude in her voice, but Kiara still felt like they might have been put off by her words. Whatever. She couldn’t worry about that right now.
JJ nodded towards her, reassuring that they understood she just wanted to help Sarah. “Y’all let’s take a hike.” He muttered, walking away as the rest begrudgingly followed.
“Sarah.” Kiara whispered to the blonde in front of her.
Sarah was unresponsive, face ducked into her hands, crying between uneven breaths.
She tried again, “Sarah”. Her voice was soft but firm, Kiara wasn’t trying to coddle her friend. That never helped.
She took a step back, remembering to give Sarah some space.
“Hey, look at me, Sarah.” She said again firmly, and Sarah finally seemed to register her words, her teary eyes slowly meeting Kiara’s. The blonde was visibly shaking, her arms wrapped around herself as if she was freezing cold.
“Okay, Sarah, we’ve done this before,” Kiara said reassuringly, and the blonde nodded weakly, hanging on to every one of her words. “Just listen to my voice.”
And then the mantra’s began.
“You’re safe.”
“Concentrate on your breathing.”
“I know this is scary, but you’ll get through it.”
It seemed to help. Sarah’s breathing slowed, her eyes always staying on Kie.
“You’re alright.” Kiara reassured, putting a hand on Sarah’s shoulder.
A few minutes passed, and Sarah had finally gathered herself enough to stand on her feet again and walk with her friend back to camp. They walked slowly, clearly not in a rush to get attacked with questions from their waiting friends.
“So, can I ask about it?” The brunette asked unsurely, turning to her friend as the blonde nodded.
“It was everything. I- I don’t have a family anymore. Dad wants me dead. Rafe wants me dead. Rose kidnapped me and Wheezie- she’ll never trust me again after I left her.”
Kie could see the tears beginning to fill in Sarah’s eyes.
“None of that’s your fault.”
“I know, but the rest is.”
“The rest?”
“Yeah, all of the rest, it’s my fault. All of us almost dying, getting stranded on an island with no money and no way to get home.”
“No, Sarah, that’s not your fault.”
“It is though. Y’all were on that boat for me and for the cross. The cross that Rafe stole. My brother. My fault. All of it is.”
Kiara sighed.
“Sarah. We all made conscious decisions that led us here. We chose to take the risks that we did. You can’t blame yourself.”
Her friend didn’t answer, but the words seemed to register in her mind. After a moment Sarah turned to her, a light smile gracing her features.
“I do not remember you being this wise in freshman year.”
The brunette laughed, “Trust me Sarah, spend enough time around the boys and you’ll become Master Yoda. It’s what I fell victim to.”
Sarah tilted her head knowingly. “More like one boy.”
Shit. She knows.
“What?”
“Don’t play dumb with me Kie. I could always tell when you had your eyes on someone, an’ I definitely can now.”
Kiara huffed. Goddamn it Sarah Cameron. If this was the price Kiara had to pay to get Sarah's mind off everything else, she would. Begrudgingly.
“Fine, I can’t stop thinking about him, that what you wanna hear?”
Sarah nodded excitedly. “I knew It.”
Kie stayed silent, but Sarah raised an eyebrow expectantly. “So, spill.”
“What’s there to say? I like him, he likes me as a friend.”
Sarah almost scoffed. “Okay, that’s a load of bullshit. He’s definitely into you.”
Kie was quiet, then slowly, she spoke again, “I kissed him tonight. He laughed it off like it was nothing.”
“Hold up, you kissed him?!”
Kiara nodded.
“Did he kiss you back?”
“Yeah, for a moment. Then he started teasing me about it like it was any other day.”
“Okay, well- you know JJ. Teasing is his love language. “ Sarah reassured as they finally neared their make-shift camp. Her eyes didn’t leave Kiara’s, even when John B started calling her name in the distance, apparently having spotted them. “I don’t think he laughed it off, Kie. He’s probably just as unsure of the whole thing as you are.”
Kiara didn’t respond, but her friends words were beyond comforting, giving her sense of calm even as all of their friends had suddenly surrounded them.
She looked to Sarah again, who was now wrapped up in John B’s arms while answering question after question from Cleo. Pope lay asleep by the fire again, out like a light. But one person was missing.
“Where’s JJ?” She urgently asks.
John B snaps his head towards her, nods it in the direction of the beach.
“He’s waiting for you, said y’all needed to talk.”
“Oh.” Is all Kiara manages.
—————————————————
+1.
As Kie makes her way down to the shoreline, she finally spots that mop of blond hair she was looking for. The sand silences her footsteps, so JJ whips his head in surprise when he hears her voice behind him.
“Hi.”
“Goddamn, I think I felt my heart leave my chest. Hi.” JJ replies.
Kiara laughs light-heartedly, sitting down next to him in the sand.
Then it’s quiet for a while. It isn’t the comfortable silence the Pogues are all used to with each other. It’s cold and stiff. It feels like there’s a growing distance between them right now, every minute putting them farther away.
Kiara wants to break it, say something, say anything- but what would she say? She knows what JJ wants to talk about- but it’s the very thing she wants to avoid. It’s the rejection she knows is coming.
Instead, he breaks it.
“So,”
Nope. She can’t do this. Not now, not ever.
“I just realised I forgot something back at camp.” She quickly moves to stand up, but JJ’s got a firm hold on her wrist.
“JJ-
“No, Kie! I need to know.” He admits, standing up beside her, “Do you regret kissing me?”
There it is. The sucker punch of rejection. But she can’t lie to him. She won’t.
“Of course I regret it.”
He almost visibly takes a step back. “Oh.”
“Yeah, JJ, I regret it. I regret putting our friendship on the line. I regret thinking that this time, this time, I wouldn’t get rejected, and that things would be different. I regret thinking that even for a moment, maybe you loved me like I love you-
“What?”
She’s put all her cards on the table.
“I- I love you, JJ. And I know you don’t-
She’s cut off- His lips clash on to hers, he’s got an arm around her waist, a hand gently holding her jaw.
What?
Kiara’s eyes widen, and suddenly it feels like a million butterflies are swarming around in her stomach.
He’s kissing her.
After a second, she relaxes in to it, still not knowing what it all means.
He pulls away after a little while, only an inch or two, so she’s close enough to hear him whisper, “Goddamn you Kiara Carrera, I’ve been in love with you for years. How’d you get it so twisted?”
Kiara doesn’t really know what to say, so she just reaches up and kisses him again.
JJ Maybank loves her.
————————————————
Half an hour later, they’re sitting by the fire again. The rest of the crew are asleep again, effectively giving JJ and Kiara the alone time they’ve needed.
Kiara’s got her head in his lap, and he’s gently brushing his fingers through her curls while humming to some Otis Redding tune.
This, Kiara thinks, is what puts her to sleep. It’s what always has.
“Thank you, JJ, for all the times you stayed up with me.” She whispers. She sees JJ smile, even with her eyes half-closed.
“I should be thanking you, from all the sleepless nights you’ve now saved me.”
Kiara doesn’t respond, she’s started to drift off- everything in that moment feels just fine.
And it was.