Archive of Our Own

Masahiro pov:
I threw the phone into the sand, what I had done finally sinking in.

'There's no going back now.'

Slowly, I begin my descent down the steps towards the waves.

"It's for the best, this makes life easier for everyone," I assured myself.

Tears are freely falling down my face now, I don't have to hide my pain any longer. Reaching into my pocket, I carefully pull out the sleeping pills I swiped from my mother's nightstand.

'I just need to take enough to make it impossible for me to stay awake, maybe 3 or 4, after that it's up to the waves.'

Carefully, I take off my hoodie and lay it on the sand, along with the plastic bag containing my short goodbye letter to everyone.

'No need for it to be long, they wouldn't waste their time reading it anyways.'

With my arms now on display under the moon, my artwork could be seen clearly. Long red swollen cuts lie on my pale arm colored in red, almost black from the caked blood that I couldn't be bothered to clean.

'If Kousuke could see me now, he would be so disappointed and disgusted. What sane person does this to themselves.'

I outwardly laugh at that.

"I guess I'm not really sane am I?"

Taking one last look at the lights of the empty train station behind me, I trudge forward into the water, shivering at the cold. Bringing the pills still clenched in my hand up to my mouth, I pop them in and open my mouth to drink the foul ocean water to wash them down.

It doesn't bother me that the water is salty and gross, I'll have swallowed buckets full when the tide gets done with me.

Neck deep now, I let myself float, soaking in the beauty of the moon, thinking of how Kousuke would take to his new permanent job. How Kensuke would soar through life, now having one less burden in his life. As my eyes grow heavy, I smile my first genuine smile in a very long time.

I swear I can hear Kousuke call my name right before I succumb to the waves, and the dark abyss.

Kousuke's pov:

After Masahiro hung up the phone, I sat stunned, starring at the wall.

'Masahiro didn't sound right, he wouldn't do anything rash, would he?'

A pit of dread formed in my stomach and without a second thought I jump up and grab my car keys while running out the door. The sound of the waves in the background on the call didn't sit right with me.

I know Masahiro has been having a hard time and has clearly been hiding something from me, but I haven't been able to figure out what.

"God, please let him be okay when I find him, I don't know what I'll do, what I'll become if I lose him."

'There are 3 possible beaches he could be at, but if he's going to do what I think he is, he'd go to the one furthest from town. That makes sense right? I don't know how suicidal people think, FUCK IT, it's better than going to all 3 and not getting there in time.'

I quickly pick up my phone and dial Kensuke.

"Hi oniichan! Where are you, we're supposed to celebrate?"

"Ken, something is wrong with Masahiro, I think he might be...I think he might be trying to kill himself. He's at a beach, I'm on my way to the furthest one, you and Hasekura check the other 2. Please I-I can't do this by myself."

"Oh god, okay, me and Hasekura will check the other 2. Take a deep breathe and calm down Kousuke, we'll find him, I know we will."

The phone went silent, leaving me feeling stunned.

'I am calm?'

I run a tired hand down my face, and pull back startled when I feel the wetness of tears.

'When did I start crying?'

Ten minute time jump:

Speeding to a stop, I jump out of the car and run to the beach, frantically searching for my lover. I scan till my eyes meet a hoodie, a bag and an opened pill bottle.

"FUCK!"

Now running towards the water, I quickly lay eyes on a mop of blond hair, submerging into the dark water.

"MASAHIRO!"

Running, I dive into the water, and swim towards the spot I last saw Masahiro.
Grabbing blindly for what felt like decades, I feel a brush of finger tips and grab ahold of the cold hand, and pull the limp body close to me, finally going up for air.

'Please be alive. Fuck just please be alive.'

As I reach the shore, I lay Masahiro on his back and check for a pulse.
Nothing.
I let out a broken sob.

"Shit.
Please don't leave me Masa!"

I begin CPR and curse myself for not paying more attention during the refresher course they made me take as a teacher.

'How many is it? 32-34? Or is it 30-32? Fuck, is it 28-30?'

Authors note- ( This is number of chest compressions to number of breathes)

"Don't die Masa please-please don't die."

Tears are freely falling down my face now, and I can't quite tell if the saltiness I'm tasting are from my tears, or the sea water on Masahiro's cold lips.

10 minutes go by and there's still no sign of life from my Masahiro.
Defeated, I sit back on my heels and stare at the moon shining down on me in all it's beauty, almost as if mocking me, because my truly beautiful thing is lying lifeless on the sand in front of me.

'It's not fucking fair! It's not his time.'

Anger now fueling the only energy I seem to have left, I slam my fist onto Masahiro's chest. Spurts of water shoot from Masahiro's mouth and instantly I'm flooded with relief.
I help him on his side and pat him gently on his back.

"It's okay Masa, it's all gonna be okay."

I can't exactly tell if I'm trying to convince Masahiro of it, or myself.
After coughing out all the foul water in his lungs, Masahiro looks up and finally meets my eyes.

"K-Kou?"

Masahiro pov:

My lungs burn for what feels like ages, I don't remember anyone ever telling me that this is what the afterlife felt like. Maybe it's my own fault for assuming I would be going someplace nice.

'Figures, why would a shitty person like you go someplace nice?'

Finally I catch my breath, and the terrible fluid stops breaching from my mouth. I feel a warmth resting on my back. Slowly, I look up to see what horrid thing from the afterlife awaits me.

Instead I'm met the the clear blue eyes I fell in love with, except now they're red rimmed and look completely worn out. The raven hair I love to run my fingers through is wet and matted. This makes no sense, why would Kousuke be in this cruel afterlife with me?

Unless... I'm not really dead.

'Fuck I failed. I can't even kill myself right. What a fucking loser.'

"K-Kou?"

My throat burns but I don't seem to care as my mouth talks before my brain can catch up.

"Why-why are you here?"

He doesn't say anything, just continues to stare at me and places his hand on my cheek.
It makes me want to curl up in a ball and fade into oblivion

"Please say something, I know that you're probably disappointed and disgusted and want nothing to do with me now that you know what a broken freak I am, but not saying anything right now is a really shitty thing to do. You have every right to leave, you have no obligation towards me, so just please say what you're thinking and leave, because I can't handle the way you're looking at me right now."

I look away and curl in on myself shaking.

'Pathetic. My voice broke halfway through and I'm all but sobbing now.'

"Masa. Masahiro please look at me."

Kousuke gently lifts my chin so I can meet his eyes.

"Now I really need you to hear me. Please don't ever do something like that again. You really scared me my love. You're not a freak and you're not broken, you're just someone whose in a tremendous amount of pain, and is not letting anyone in to help. Please, let me help. I couldn't bear to lose you, and I'm surely not going to leave you. You're my wife, all my obligations are only towards you. I love you dearly, please don't continue to suffer in silence."

'He doesn't mean that, that's just what you're supposed to say to someone who just tried to off themselves. You're alone, you don't matter, and-'

I'm pulled from my thoughts as Kousuke cradles my face and gently kisses me, as if I'm made of glass. Maybe I am?
He leans his forehead against mine and sighs.

"Get out of that head of yours. I meant every word I said. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get here in time."

The walls I'd been desperately trying to tape back together fall and I sink into his arms and begin to fall apart, letting out occasional small whimpers and hiccups.

I feel myself get scooped up in his arms and drift off to sleep.

Kousuke pov:

I place Masahiro in the passenger seat and sigh.

'How can someone so sweet and innocent carry so much pain and hateful thoughts for themselves?'

I walk back down to the beach and grab his hoodie and the plastic bag, but throw the pills into the ocean.

'Better safe then sorry.'

I make my way back to the car and fall into my seat.

"Shit, I forgot to call Kensuke back."

I dial his number for the second time that night, only this time Hasekura answers.

"Oi, did you find him? Because Ken is loosing his shit right now and if I'm being honest, so am I."

'With that monotone voice, I really cant tell'

"Yeah, I've got him. I'm taking him home, can you get Kensuke back home safe?"

"Tsk, of course I can...take care of Setegawa."

With that, the call ended and I was surrounded by the quiet hum of the engine and Masahiro's occasional soft snoring.

The ride home was peaceful compared to the hell we just went through. After coming to a stop in the driveway, I get out, careful not to wake Masahiro. I carefully pick him up and walk inside the house.

Kensuke and Hasekura are asleep on the couch clinging to each other like their lives depend on it, I dont blame them. It's been a long night.
I take Masahiro upstairs to my room, and into my bathroom to set him on the toilet as I run him a bath.

"Masa? Can you wake up for me love?"

All I get in response is a groan.

"I'm going to put you in the bath, I need to run downstairs real quick to grab somethings out of the car, but I'll be right back."

He nods in response as I undress him and put him in the tub. I quickly run down the stairs and grab the damp hoodie and the plastic bag out of the car, before racing back inside and up the stairs, only to discover that he had dozed off again.

He looks so peaceful, almost like an angel. I kneel beside him and get to work washing him.

Once I'm done, I grab a towel and gently pull him out of the tub and dry him as if hes going to break. He stirs a bit but goes right back to snoring in seconds.

I carry him to the bed and lay him down before grabbing a change of clothes from my dresser and dress him, my fingertips lingering on the cuts lined up and down his pale arms. I sigh and change myself before going to grab the plastic bag that contains his letter.

Laying down next to him, I open it and begin to read.

Um , I don't really know how to do this(mostly because I've never done this before) but I guess this is my suicide note? That sounds lame. I just wanted to apologize for becoming such a heavy burden in your lives, it was never my intention. You have been so good to me, the best chosen family I could ever have asked for. I know you won't miss me, not really. Maybe you'll mourn me for a week or so, but you'll all survive and move on quickly. I'm expendable after all. I love you all, truly . Someone please let my mom know, I doubt she'll notice I'm gone if no one tells her.
   Kensuke, you're the sweetest person I know and I dont deserve your friendship.
   Hasekura, please watch after Ken, I know you don't need me to tell you that but it feels like the right thing to say in this situation.
   To the group, I'm sorry I'm not naming you individually, I dont have much time and I promised myself I would keep this short, but you all made me feel like I belonged, thank you for that.
   And to Kousuke, love of my soon to be short life, you were my last reason for breathing, being, and just existing. Only now I realize my being here is only bringing you down and putting you at risk. I hope that you're new job excites you and brings you as much joy as you brought me. Shit, I guess this is a bit longer than I intended. I love you Kousuke, always.

~Masahiro

By the time I finish reading, I'm crying again. No, I think this is closer to sobbing.

'Why didn't I see it before? What kind of lover am I if I cant see when my own lover is in so much pain?'

A tentative hand touches my shoulder and I automatically jump away from the touch.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you Kousuke, but are you okay?"

A bit angrily I grip the letter in my hand.

"Am I okay? How can you ask me that? No, how can you pretend to be okay?"

He backs up as if I've slapped him, but that doesn't seem to deter my anger.

"B-but I am okay Kousuke, really. It's just been a bad night," he desperately tries to convince me.

"Bullshit, a person who is okay, fine, happy, would not write THIS."

I shove the parchment to his chest and he just about crumbles.

"I-I'm sorry Kou, I'm really sorry. You were only supposed to read that once I was gone..."

Tears are streaming down his face and the anger subsides in me. I move towards him and pull him into me.

"I don't want to read anything from you when you're gone, I don't want you gone. I need you here, alive with me. You're not a burden, you're not bringing me down and you're sure as hell not putting me at risk. You mean everything to me. You are MY reason for being, Masa. I love you, so please, please tell me when that head of yours gets you in trouble like this. Let me help you heal please."

Masahiro is now freely crying into my chest and letting out small hiccups as his crying slows due to exhaustion.

"Can we talk more about this in the morning? I'm really sleepy..."

I wrap my arms tighter around him and have us lay down.

"Of course we can my love, get some rest. I'll be here when you wake."

Masahiro nods before drifting off to sleep.

'I'll always try to protect you my love, even if it's from yourself. I'll always try to be your hero'