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There was a time when Neil thought that if he went to sleep, he wouldn’t wake up.
Granted, he was only twelve years old. Most would have taken the horror he felt when his eyelids grew heavy as a childish fear. Well, if anyone knew about it of course. Then again getting diagnosed with the same fatal condition as your mother shortly after her death had a way of messing with a child’s brain.
Neil didn’t exactly know how it started, all he knew was that as his alarm clock ticked closer and closer to the next day, the more his chest tightened. The passage of time could only be told by the moonlight turning to sunlight. It made it impossible to tell how long he spent rocking back and forth on the floor.
“If I go to sleep now, I’ll never wake up.”
Neil shook his head, it was a stupid, irrational thought. He was a logical person, he should've understood that. But with each yawn, his breaths would grow more shallow. He attempted to take deep breaths, not wanting his last one to be a quick gasp for air. What was he going to do about his dad? About Eva? He’d only known her for a year, but he'd never been closer with kids his age.
The rest of the night was spent pacing and doing anything else to stay awake. He tidied up his room, sorted random objects, even took a sheet of paper with a pen and scribbled on it until the entire sheet was almost full. It was too dark to do anything like reading or finish some work early, and he didn’t want to wake up his dad. Finally, his alarm went off as he sat in the corner, hugging his knees. He could have more coffee, that would keep him up. It always did whenever he went stargazing.
He drowsily made his way through his routine on autopilot. First, he spent some time in the bathroom brushing his teeth and trying to make some sense out of his hair. Usually, after fiddling with it for long enough, it looked nice and neat. This was not one of the mornings where it would look nice and neat. After that, he’d change into some fresh clothes. He threw on a school t-shirt and pulled a black hoodie over it. He was sure that if he tried to put on a button-up shirt he’d button it wonky. Finally, he’d go down to the kitchen and get some food, but usually coffee.
His dad still hadn’t come out into the kitchen once he got down there, which was sort of nice because Neil was already so tired that he nearly walked directly into a wall. He grabbed a premade iced coffee from the fridge and sat at the dining room table in the dark, sipping on it.
The coffee wasn’t a big enough pick-me-up for him to stay awake the whole day. He sat down in a quiet corner of the library and fell asleep face down in a book. Eva found him before his next class and asked if everything was okay. She told him that he was overworking himself. Not wanting to dive into the more painful truth, he agreed. Neil promised he’d get more sleep the next night.
There were times after that when they’d have similar talks. She had found him in the same corner at least five times before he finally started hiding in a different spot so Eva wouldn’t find him. The stairwell was usually dark, and there was one at the end of a hall that would usually go unused. Out of habit, Eva still would stroll through the corners of the library.
The times he got to sleep were no different when he joined SigCorp, where he frequently had cases that lasted until late in the night or early morning. His sleep schedule was too erratic to complement his workload.
Another night passed by, riding in the car with Eva at an hour stuck between the latest night and the earliest morning. Both of them were too tired to speak. The case they had just completed knocked all the words out of them.
Rees Holland
Twenty-four
Eva will pause at writing the age, her hands frozen above the keyboard. They’ll ball up into fists as she pushes herself away from her desk. Twenty-four years old. He was so much like a certain someone she knew.
“He wants to see the world. We’ll be in and out,” Neil leaned back in the car’s seat, crossing his legs at his ankles. Eva took a glance at the file, feeling her chest suddenly tighten.
“Neil…his age.”
They both sat in silence for a moment. Neil broke it with a sigh as he glanced out the window. How many more cases would they have like this? Eva looked forward to their garden, to be close to Neil, but only a fool would be able to ignore that it would mean his condition deteriorating.
Neil felt his eyes growing heavy in the passenger seat, especially with the more chill, acoustic music Eva played. Eva glanced over at him, smiling and softly laughing, “I can drop you off at your apartment if you want. I’m pretty sure it won’t be a big detour.”
He perked up slightly, turning to face her, “No, it’s okay, I can drive myself home. Besides, I probably should get a start on the paperwork for this case,” he rubbed his forehead, a pain starting to spread across his head.
Eva noticed the gesture and shook her head, “I take that back, I’m dropping you off at your place. You’re going to fall asleep at the wheel if you drive, let alone if you try to do paperwork before it.”
“Eva—”
“Neil.”
They stopped at a red light for a moment and made eye contact. Neil’s eyes quickly darted away, though he still looked the same through his mirrored lenses. The light flashed green and Eva took a turn towards Neil’s building.
Eva smirked, “You’ll thank me later.”
He laughed, “Whatever, moron.”
Neil waved goodbye to Eva, muttering thanks as she drove away. He walked into his building, sticking his hand in his pocket. He almost forgot the bottle of pills in it. He sighed, moving to the elevator and pressing the button. It opened immediately. The empty hall echoed the footsteps of his boots and the round of the key inserting into the lock of his door. The door loudly creaked open, revealing his ice-cold apartment.
His mind was hazy as he stumbled into his bedroom, head starting to pound. He no longer felt the weight of his boots on his feet, but his lab coat was still buttoned across his chest. He felt too dreary to take it off, deciding that it would be fine to go in with a wrinkly lab coat. Even with the total exhaustion taking over his body, he couldn’t seem to fall asleep. Maybe it was the fan in the background, maybe it was the ticking clock, maybe it was the thoughts in his head whispering:
“You’re just like him.”
He tossed and turned, but there was an emptiness that spread across him as the memories of their last patient flashed in front of him. He didn’t have an Eva. What would’ve happened if Neil didn’t?
“Would I already be dead?”
“No.”
Derealization struck him. He felt as if he passed out and woke up in front of her grave, sitting cross-legged in the cold rain. He shivered, the only protection he had from the elements was his lab coat.
“Now that I think about it. How did I even get here?”
Rees was diagnosed with a terminal disease when he was twenty and lived until twenty-four. When he heard the news, he cut contact with everyone he loved. He also opted out of a trip around the world with all of his friends. He buried himself in school, to graduate early, maybe get a year or two of freedom. He didn’t know his purpose in the world, he didn’t think he had the time to create it.
“Mom?”
He didn’t grow up in a religious family. Their view on death was very abstract.
“I’m sorry.”
Why was he there? It’s not like he was going to fix anything. Maybe the case shook him. Maybe it was the anniversary of her death being the next day. He could never go on the actual day. He’d run into his dad.
“Dad?”
Just like that day in the library, his eyelids grew too heavy, and before he could do anything, he fell asleep in the freezing rain.
“...I’m scared.”
“Neil?”
Neil jolted awake, hearing his accelerated heartbeat pound. His entire body was soaked to the bone and he had mud covering his lab coat. That probably wasn’t going to come out in the wash. He wrapped his arms around himself as his head pounded and he shivered.
“Are you okay?”
Neil glanced up to see a familiar face, though it had been aged since the last time he saw it. He felt his heart stop and everything go dead silent. Slowly, he stood up, glancing down at his hands that had been painted red from the cold. They balled up into fists as he looked back up.
“Dad?”
The roots of Quincy’s hair had fully greyed, and there were quite a few streaks through the rest of it, a reminder of the amount of time that had passed. Neil shoved his hands in his pockets, trying to suppress shivers. He rocked back and forth on his heels, glancing at the ground.
“It’s been a long time,” Quincy sadly smiled, “I… I tried to call but—”
“Don’t.”
There was a long, deafening silence between them that was interrupted by a coughing fit from Neil.
Quincy took a step closer, worry spreading across his face, “Did you fall asleep in the rain?”
“I—” he stuttered. “It doesn’t matter, I have to get to work,” he walked around Quincy, getting a couple of steps away from him.
Before he could get any further, Quincy grabbed his arm, “Wait!”
Neil tensed, freezing in place. He looked back at Quincy and pulled his arm away.
“You can’t— work?” Quincy’s mind couldn’t jumble together the right words in time and decided to give up. “Just… can we get coffee sometime soon? We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to— I just miss you.”
Neil’s glasses slowly slid down his nose, revealing his tired eyes. He quickly pushed them back up.
“And… I think you miss me too,” Quincy had the slightest bit of hope laced into his voice. It was a similar tone that he used to hear from him when he’d speak about his mom. He felt his chest tense, and the walls around his heart closed in around it.
“This is your chance.”
“It’s not that easy.”
Neil stared down at the mud, “It’s not your fault.” He walked away, unlocked his car, and got into the driver’s seat. He locked the doors and pulled off his wet and muddy lab coat. He turned on the heaters at full blast and tried to warm up as he started to drive to work. His mind felt numb. He kept shivering and coughing. Why was he going to work?
He made the thirty-five-minute drive without any accidents and stepped out into the parking lot. It had stopped raining at this point, but there was still a lot of chill from the wind. Mud was caked onto his khakis and in his hair, and he didn’t bother to put on the mud-covered lab coat. He stumbled into the office building and multiple coworkers started staring at him. He left a muddy footprint on the ground and froze.
“What am I doing?”
“Neil?” Eva approached him, “What…what happened to you?” She looked up and down at him, “Are you okay?”
He glanced around, suddenly feeling extremely lightheaded. He felt the weight of the pain pills in his pocket. He didn’t want to take them in such an open area.
“I…think I just need to sit down...” his voice started trailing off and he collapsed on the ground with a thud.
“What were you thinking?”
“Were you thinking at all?”
Neil jolted awake, hearing his accelerated heartbeat pound. His entire body was soaked to the bone and he had mud covering his lab coat. That probably wasn’t going to come out in the wash. He wrapped his arms around himself as his head pounded and he shivered.
“Are you okay?”
“I’ve been here before.”
“Does it matter? ”
Neil glanced up to see a familiar face, though it had been aged since the last time he saw it. He felt his heart stop and everything go dead silent. Slowly, he stood up, glancing down at his hands that had been painted red from the cold. They balled up into fists as he looked back up.
“Dad?”
Grey had overtaken the majority of his father’s hair, the roots being fully grey and a couple of prominent streaks stuck out of the black. It had been years since Neil saw him last. Neil suppressed his shivers and coughs, shoving his hands in his pockets. He rocked back and forth on his heels, glancing at the ground.
“It’s been a long time,” Quincy sadly smiled, “I… I tried to call but...”
Neil’s heart pounded in his chest, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
There was a long, deafening silence between them that was interrupted by a coughing fit from Neil.
“This isn’t--”
Quincy took a step closer, reaching a hand out to his son and placing it on Neil’s shoulder. His eyes squinted slightly and his eyebrows furrowed, showing his worry, “Did you fall asleep in the rain?”
“I--” he stuttered, freezing even more at the touch, “it doesn’t matter, I have to get to work.”
But he didn’t move.
“Does it even matter?”
“You can’t-- you’re-- work?” Quincy’s mind couldn’t jumble together the right words in time, and decided to give up, “just… Can we get coffee sometime soon? We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to-- I just miss you.”
Neil’s glasses slowly slid down his nose, revealing his tired eyes. He quickly pushed them back up. Quincy removed his hand from Neil’s shoulder.
“And… I think you miss me too,” Quincy had determination in his voice that tugged at the strings of Neil’s heart.
Neil laughed, a shiver getting sent down his spine, “You’re lucky you remember my addiction, old man.”
Quincy sighed with relief, “How about Saturday? Nine in the morning? The Urban Grind by the—”
“By the old playground?” He interrupted, tilting his head.
Quincy smiled, “Yeah, by the old playground.”
“It’s a plan.”
See, I told you it didn’t matter.