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1
— — —
Eiji feels ... horrified at what he learned about Ash from Jim Callenreese. He's not really sure how to describe everything that he's feeling, but it's a lot. And ... he doesn't regret knowing the truth about Ash. He's not sorry to know more about his friend, and it doesn't change his view of him. In fact, he’s proud of Ash for being so strong after everything he’s been through. He just ... wishes that it had come from Ash himself. He wishes that Ash hadn't had even this level of autonomy pulled away from him. Even the ability to tell his own story.
Ash is eyeing him carefully from across the bed of the truck. Shorter is passed out, and Max and Ibe are in the cab. They're alone, or as close to it as they can reasonably be given the circumstances.
Eiji clears his throat. "What is it?" he asks.
"You haven't said anything," Ash intones.
"Is there something you'd like me to say?" Skirting around the subject, ignoring what Eiji learned about Ash and the way he learned it. Pretending like things are normal—not that anything's been normal since Eiji met Ash.
The truck goes over a pothole, but Ash barely moves as the whole bed rattles. He's so graceful, so beautiful. Not in the ways that others seem to see in him, though, but in these small things. The way he cried after his brother died. The way he's not afraid of who he is. The way he's not broken.
He's beautiful.
"I want you to be honest with me," Ash says. It's intense, his gaze—his eyes a green fire, a magical flame that Eiji can't tear his eyes away from. "I want you to tell me what you want from me."
But that startles Eiji. "What do you mean?" he asks. "What I—want?"
"You know the truth about me." Ash leans in, though the short distance of the entirety of the truck bed is still between them. "So what do you want me to do for you?"
Eiji's brows furrow, and he frowns. "I do not understand, Ash." Or—maybe he does, but he doesn't want to.
So Ash rephrases.
"What do you want to do to me?"
Eiji can't help but wince now. Ouch. That ... that hurts. A lot. Hearing that ...
"You think that I would hurt you?" Eiji asks. He doesn't blame Ash for that assumption. He has no reason to believe that Eiji is different than the rest, when so few people in his life have been.
Ash finally leans back, resting his head against the tarp. "I think that I'm made to be hurt," he clarifies. "And that there's nothing wrong with you if you want to use a toy for its purpose." He stretches, a cat with a calculated nonchalance. "Don't feel bad about it. It's okay, Eiji. It's what everyone wants."
Eiji feels his expression harden. "Not me," he says. "I do not want anything that hurts you, Ash. This is really how you see yourself?"
Ash shrugs, languid and smooth. "I see the truth about myself. So what? What's wrong with being honest with yourself about what you are?"
Another pothole, and Eiji's not sure if that's why his stomach lurches, or if it's Ash's use of the word what.
What he is. Not who. Because he doesn't see himself as a person.
"I will not hurt you," Eiji resolves. "I will never hurt you, if I can help it. And if I do, I would want you to tell me. Because I ... I care about you, Ash. And I want the rest of your life to be different than what you have been through so far.
I want the rest of your life to be with me, Eiji finds himself thinking. The thought startles him, but—it's true. He ... he does want Ash to spend his life with Eiji. If he wants to, that is.
And he does hope that Ash wants to.
Ash crosses his legs, one knee bent and the other resting on it. "Just wait."
— — —
2
— — —
"Ash?" Eiji asks. He hears Ash's cries, night after night when he returns from his fights with Arthur's gang, and it never gets easier. "What's wrong?"
Ash is shaking, head in his hands, but his voice sounds strong and clear when he speaks. "Nothing. I'm fine."
Eiji hesitates. Is it wrong to push Ash when he clearly doesn't want to talk about this? But then again—is it worse to leave him alone when he clearly needs help?
"You do not look fine," Eiji says eventually.
"Well I am," Ash snaps. Then he hisses out a breath. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Eiji. I never ... I never mean to speak to you that way. I'm just—fucked up, and it ... I can't help it, I guess. But that's not an excuse."
"I understand," Eiji says gently. "And I do not blame you."
"You should." Ash pulls his hands away from his face and looks across the few feet separating their beds to make eye contact with Eiji. "You should."
"Ash ..." Eiji whispers. "Nothing that you have been through is your fault. This—all of it, and your reactions—it is not because of you."
Ash scoffs. "Tell that to the Cape Cod police."
Eiji isn't sure how to respond to that. It's silent for a moment. Then, Eiji brings up the courage to ask, "May I sit next to you?"
Ash startles, but he gestures to the spot beside him. "Yeah," he says. "Uh—sure."
"Thank you." Eiji is careful not to touch Ash as he sits down, and not to move the bed too violently. "I appreciate you." In fact, he’s ... really proud of Ash.
"What's there to appreciate?" Ash asks, seeming confused. "I haven't done anything for you."
That confuses Eiji a little, but ... then again, he knows that Ash has this sort of view of himself. He doesn't like to think about how Ash sees himself this way, but he knows that he does.
"I appreciate you for everything you have done for me. For protecting me, and letting me stay by your side. For just being you, Ash."
The smile on Ash's lips is dark, and sends a chill up Eiji's spine. "I'm not truly being myself until we've fucked."
Eiji's eyes widen. "Ash!" he chides. "That is not—that's not what I meant. You know that, right?"
Ash sighs. "Yeah, I know that's not what you meant. But it is what I meant, so ..."
"You really think that it is ... all that you're good for?" Eiji asks, hesitant. Afraid of the answer.
"'All I'm good for' ..." Ash echoes. "I guess that's one way to put it. I think it's in my nature; it's just what I do. I hate myself for it, most days, but that's just how it is."
"You are—talented, Ash, in so many ways—"
"Two talents," Ash interrupts. "Fucking and killing. That's it. That's all I have. And honestly? As much as ... as much as I wish I could do something else entirely, I'm glad I'm more than just a killer. I just wish ..."
"I care about you, Ash." Eiji shifts on the bed, trying not to jostle Ash, but also unable to sit still. "I care about you a lot."
Ash's chilling smile comes back. "If you think I'm talented now, wait until I've give you a few orgasms. That's my true talent. You'll really care about me then."
"Ash ..." Eiji sighs, holding a hand up in the space between them. "You know that that is not what I mean. You know."
"I'm sorry," Ash murmurs.
"It hurts me, when you say these things."
Ash winces. "Shit."
"I—Ash, that is not to say—"
"I knew you should stay away from me. Always hurting you, somehow. No matter what I do."
"That's not what I mean." Eiji sighs. "In fact, I am glad that you can tell me these thoughts of yours. I want to counter them however I can. I wish ... I wish that you did not think this way at all, but I guess that just means that I will have to stay by your side until I can show you otherwise."
Ash shifts his gaze away. He doesn't believe Eiji. Of course he doesn't. He's spent his whole life being told that he's not worth anything but what lives he can take, or what pleasure he can give someone in a bedroom.
But Eiji will show him that he's worth so much more.
"Are you okay?" Eiji asks.
"No," Ash admits, and Eiji is proud of him. "I don't think I am. And I don't think I ever will be again. But ... thank you. Thank you for trying anyway, even though I'm so fucked up. I’m sorry. You can give up on me whenever you're ready."
"I will not," Eiji resolves. "Thank you for the option, but I will not."
Ash wrings his hands in his lap. What will it take for him to believe Eiji? Will he ever?
Yes. He has to, one day. Eiji has to ... has to believe that he will.
That's all he has to hang onto, some days.
"Ash?" Eiji asks.
"Yeah?" Ash croaks.
"May I touch you?"
Ash closes his eyes for just a moment before reopening them, and Eiji realizes that his phrasing may have been off. When Eiji says touch—what does that mean to Ash? What is he expecting Eiji's touch to be? But Ash nods, anyway. Regardless of what he's expecting here, Eiji will show him kindness.
Eiji gently reaches to take Ash's hands in his own, pulling them away from where they're desperately wringing together in Ash's lap. Ash tenses as Eiji's hands approach his crotch, but Eiji carefully takes hold of Ash's hands, never touching his legs.
"Is this okay?" Eiji asks, once Ash's hands are in his own.
"Yeah," Ash whispers. "You can—do more, if you want."
"This is what I want," Eiji says. "If you want it too."
Ash looks down, staring at where there hands are joined. "I like this," he admits, and Eiji smiles. "I like being touched this way."
"Then I will continue to do so. Only as long as you want it."
"... Okay. " Still a whisper. "Sorry. But ... thank you."
— — —
3
— — —
Eiji was hoping that after Dino Golzine died, things would be different.
And they are, in a way. Ash has started to recover, but ... maybe Eiji was being a little naive when he was hoping for some sort of instant gratification from the death of Ash's primary abuser.
He hadn't really considered how conflicted Ash must feel about it until after the fact.
But of course Ash would feel conflicted. Eiji hears about how Golzine's death happens, too—that he had, or at least seemed to try for some sort of redemption by the end of it. But in Eiji's eyes, there is no redemption for him. The things that Golzine has done—unforgivable. The things that he has done to Ash and countless other children ...
"I'm confused," Ash admits to Eiji one day.
"Confused about what?" Eiji asks. He tries to go with the flow, most days, letting Ash lead things. Letting Ash have some control over his own life, in a way that he's not used to having. Some days Ash seems to struggle with it, at a bit of a standstill, but Eiji has noticed improvement over time. He's noticed Ash getting better.
"Other people—you and Max and everyone, you all seem ... different than what I'm used to."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, it's hard for me to accept that this is normal. That this is reality, instead of everything before it."
"That was your reality," Eiji breathes, "as much as I wish it had not been."
"I mean that ..." Ash trails off, but Eiji waits until he's ready to continue. "It's weird to me that you're considered the normal ones. That people are supposed to be like you, not like Golzine and everyone. It's ... really weird."
"You thought that the default was evil?"
"I guess?" Ash shakes his head. He seems distressed by this conversation, but ... maybe it's something they need to talk about. "I never thought that people could even be good. Much less that that was what was normal, or what to expect."
Eiji hums. It's hard to respond, sometimes, when Ash says things like this.
"And I guess, on some level, I still want you to hurt me."
And it's even harder when he says things like that.
"Ash ..."
"Sorry," Ash blurts. "I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear. And—it's not that I think you will. I trust you. I just ... if you ever want to, it's okay. If you change your mind, or—whatever. I won't mind."
"I do not want to. I hope that no one ever wants to hurt you again."
"... Yeah," Ash whispers. "I don't hope for that."
Eiji swallows. He knows that Ash thinks this way, but it's still hard to hear. Hard to acknowledge. "I'm sorry," he says.
"Don't worry about it." Ash waves a hand, flippant, but Eiji knows better. "I am trying, you know," he adds.
"I know you are. And ... I see your progress, Ash. I really do." Honestly, Ash was already making progress even before Golzine's death. He ... he's been doing so well. Eiji is so proud.
Maybe he should say that.
"I'm proud of you."
Ash looks up, startled. "What for? Why would you be proud when I haven't even ... ?"
Eiji takes a breath. "I am proud because you haven't ... done anything like that." He winces. "It is hard to explain, but, Ash ... I am so happy that you have allowed people to be kind to you."
Ash tilts his head back and forth. "You all don't give me a choice, it seems. Assholes." But he smiles.
Eiji can't help but smile too. "If it's up to me, you'll never have a choice in that again, though I hope everything else is up to you. People will be kind to you, now and forever. I want all you experience to be kindness. From now on."
Ash bites at his lip. "But if you change your mind," he starts. "If you ever ... want something from me."
Eiji shakes his head. "Never, Ash, unless you want it too."
Ash looks down. Eiji's not sure if he believes him, or how long it will take until he does. But he will, one day.
Eiji has to believe in that.
— — —
4
— — —
They're engaged, now.
Eiji's the one who proposed, despite what everyone thought would happen. Eiji thinks he knew, on some level, that he would have to be the one to step up and take the leap. Ash is ... afraid, probably. Of things like this. Of intimacy, in a way that is harmless. Of love.
Of himself.
Things seem okay, that day. The day they get engaged. Ash says yes, and Eiji could never hope for more than that. Was afraid to even hope for that much. He didn't want to ... expect anything. Expect too much from Ash. Because he doesn't want to ... be upset, if Ash ever says no to him. He wants Ash to feel comfortable saying no to him, so he tries not to ever do anything that indicates that Ash can't do so.
It's not until that night that Ash's insecurities really show themselves.
"... Are you sure about this?" Ash asks. They're getting ready for bed, and Ash emerged from the bathroom shirtless. Eiji has never protested them changing separately from each other. He gets it, and he never expects otherwise. And Ash sometimes chooses to sleep shirtless in the summer, so he doesn't think anything of it.
"Sure about what?" Eiji asks, though he has a feeling he already knows. He likes to think that he's not as oblivious as everyone makes him out to be.
"This whole—marrying me thing. Are you sure?"
Eiji smiles softly. "I am more sure about this than I have ever been about anything in my life, Ash. Love."
"But—why?" Ash blurts. He sighs, running a hand through his hair. It's ... hm. Eiji isn't quite sure. It might just be a sign of hesitance or nervousness, which is what Eiji would like to think. But ... there's a certain flow in the way Ash moves with that gesture. A certain showiness to it, or ... a certain seduction.
Eiji ignores it.
"Because I love you," he says.
"Love ..." Ash muses. "You can love me in other ways, if you want. You can love me however you want."
"This is how I want." Eiji doesn't mind these advances. He likes to think that he can tell, really, when Ash doesn't want it. They've never made it past making out, and Eiji is okay with that. If Ash is ever ready, one day, Eiji thinks he'll be able to tell. And until then—if that ever happens—Eiji is more than happy with what they have. "I am so happy to love you this way."
Ash moves forward. Eiji is sitting on the bed, and Ash drops to his knees in front of Eiji. Sets his head down on Eiji's knee. "Are you sure?" he asks again. "Are you really ... ?"
"I am sure, Ash." He's never offended when Ash behaves this way. He understands that it's not a matter of trust. Ash doesn't genuinely think that Eiji would hurt him—not anymore, at least. He just ... hopes that Eiji will, on some level. It's fucked up, honestly, but Eiji understands. He feels a million conflicted emotions about it, but at the very least, he understands.
"It's okay if you're not," Ash whispers. "Or if you want more."
"I want this," Eiji confirms. He places a gentle hand on the back of Ash's neck. Not the back of his head—never something so vulnerable. Not until Ash is ready.
Ash sits up, suddenly, raising to his knees fully. He arcs his back, then stands and sits next to Eiji on the bed. Eiji looks over at him, and—Ash moves in for a kiss.
Eiji moves his head away. "Ash," he chides.
Ash hesitates, stopping before he can move to kiss Eiji's neck instead. "No?" he asks.
"No," Eiji says. Gentle—always gentle. "Not like this."
"... Like what?"
Eiji sighs. "Not like ... when you think there is no other option. Not like you think you have to."
"Oh," Ash breathes. "I don't know if I'll ever ..."
"That is okay!" Eiji says brightly. He reaches up and brushes a strand of Ash's hair behind his ear. Ash leans into the touch, and Eiji's heart glows. "You never have to." And he’s proud of Ash for admitting that he doesn’t know.
"Are you sure?" Ash asks again. But Eiji is always sure, about this. He's always sure that he never wants to hurt Ash.
"I'm sure. And someday you will be, too."
— — —
5
— — —
By the time of their wedding day, they still haven't had sex.
Eiji isn't sure if they will, and he's okay with that. They've talked about it, and Ash wants to, eventually. He does, and he's told Eiji that multiple times. Eiji believes him, but honestly, he's okay either way.
Ash identifies as asexual, now, and Eiji's happy that he's found something like that. Something that makes him feel like he belongs. Like he's not as broken as he thinks he is.
Ash has joined therapy groups for trauma survivors, too, and Eiji thinks that he's found a similar refuge in those. He used to feel like the word trauma isn't for him—that he can't claim something like that. But with time, he's come to accept that what's happened to him wasn't his fault. Most days, at least, he believes that.
Eiji is so, so proud of him.
Ash is uncertain, when it comes to sex. He's told Eiji that he does want to, but that he's not sure if that means that he's necessarily ready.
But their wedding day—their wedding night—Eiji should have expected there to be some ... conflicted feelings.
They decided to spend their honeymoon in Japan, visiting Eiji's family and hometown as well as Tokyo. Their plane is tomorrow—for tonight, though, home.
Ash kisses Eiji, a little desperately.
Hm.
"Ash?" Eiji asks. He moves his head to the side, and Ash kisses down his jaw and neck instead.
"Yeah?" Ash says, breathy.
Ash hits a sensitive spot, and Eiji, surprised, can't hold in a moan.
"Enjoying me?" Ash asks, and Eiji recoils.
"No!" Eiji blurts. "Ash—stop."
Ash pulls back immediately. He's panting a little, but when Eiji glances down, Ash isn't ... aroused.
"Are you okay?" Eiji asks.
Ash blinks. "Uh—yeah? I just ..."
"Ash ..."
Ash swallows.
"Why are you doing this?" Eiji asks. He places a gentle hand on Ash's knee, and Ash closes his eyes.
"Aren't we supposed to?"
"Not if your only reason to is because you think we're supposed to."
Ash seems to hesitate. "I ..." He shakes his head. "It just feels fucked up, that you married me, and I haven't done anything for you."
A year. It's been a year since everything with banana fish ended. And Ash still ...
"You still think about yourself that way?" Eiji asks. He moves his hand up from Ash's knee—maybe that placement was a bad idea—and cautiously brushes the back of his hand against Ash's cheek instead.
"What way?" Ash asks. "I mean—I think I get what you mean, but ..."
"But you don't see an issue with it," Eiji finishes. "But—Ash—I do. I see ... a big issue with it, actually."
Ash bites his lip. He closes his eyes, leaning into Eiji's touch. "I'm sorry," he offers. "I'm not trying to hurt you."
"It hurts me when you try to hurt yourself." Eiji sighs. "I'm not upset with you, Ash. I'm not angry."
"You never seem to be. Even when you should."
"What makes you think that I should be?"
"... I haven't done anything for you?"
"You've done so much for me, love. More than I could ever ask."
"I don't ... understand that," Ash admits. "It's odd to me, that I could do anything ... anything other than ..."
"Oh, Ash," Eiji murmurs. He leans in, dropping his head down to Ash's shoulder. "I love you so much."
"Because of this?" Ash asks, confused. "Because of—what? Because I'm fucked up?"
Eiji hums. "I love you because you're incredible. Because you are you, in every way that you are. I'm so grateful to you for being you."
Ash wraps his arms around Eiji and pulls him close. Eiji laughs, surprised and delighted at the action. "I love you," Ash says. "I love you."
"I love you too, my Ash. Thank you."
"Why do you always thank me?" Ash rocks the two of them back and forth a bit.
"Because I want you to know how appreciated you are. Is that so wrong?"
"... No. I guess it's okay. If you really want to."
"I really do."
"Then ... sorry, but ... thank you, too. For doing that for me, and ... not doing other things to me, and ... for everything else."
"Always, Ash. Forever."
— — —
+1
— — —
"You're okay," Eiji whispers. Ash's nightmares—and Eiji's, too—are less common than they used to be, but they still ... happen. "It's okay, Ash. Do you want to talk about it?"
"... Yeah," Ash murmurs. Eiji's surprised—he usually asks, just in case, but Ash has never said yes before. "Yeah, I—if it's okay."
"Of course it is, love. Whatever you need." Eiji pets Ash's hair, soft as he can manage. "What is it? What happened?"
Ash stares off into the distance for a while. The room is dark—they have a small nightlight that's seemed to help a bit, and the city lights always seem to make their way into every room. But it still seems ... dark.
"You were there," Ash whispers, sounding horrified. "With me, and ... with Dino."
Eiji takes a careful breath, trying not to react too harshly. It's still ... scary to him, how close things got the night Shorter died. Ash knows about it, now, though Eiji tried to keep it from him for a long time. And imagining that Ash might have been there for anything like that ...
"Sorry," Ash says, maybe picking up on Eiji's feelings.
"It is okay, Ash. You can keep talking, if you'd like."
"Yeah," Ash breathes. "Okay. If you're sure. Is it triggering for you?"
Eiji hums. "I'll let you know if it's too much."
"Okay. I ... I trust you, to tell me if I need to stop."
Eiji just smiles softly at that.
"He just ... Dino, he did—fucked—both of us, regardless of how much I—asked to be the only one, and then ... he made us ... together ..."
Eiji winces. That's hard enough tohear, but Ash having to experience it in a dream ... a nightmare ... "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Love." He hesitates. "Are those names okay, right now?"
Ash opens his mouth. Closes it. Then, finally, says, "Actually, can you—not, right now? Maybe, when we wake up tomorrow, but ... for now, please ..."
"No pet names?" Eiji confirms.
Ash nods.
He's never asked for what he needs so clearly before. He's never talked so openly before, without there being an edge to it. A few months ago, a conversation like this would have led to Ash trying to make advances on Eiji. But now—
"Help me?" Ash pleads. "I—I mean ..."
"What do you need, Ash?" Eiji asks. He's still petting Ash's hair, but he's not sure if that's too much, or—not enough. Sometimes he likes to think that he understands Ash these days, understands what he needs. But honestly ... it's hard, when Ash seems to struggle to ask for what he needs.
But now? Now, Ash is ...
"Can you just hold me?" Ash asks, voice a little desperate. "Hold me like no one ever has before."
Eiji smiles, and takes Ash into his arms. "I will hold you however you want me to. However long, and whatever way."
Ash cuddles into Eiji's arms. "Just like this," he whispers. "Please."
"Of course, Ash."
Ash is so ... so perfect, and he's actually ... asking for help? Telling Eiji what he needs, what he wants?
Eiji is so incredibly proud of him.
"Ash, I'm—"
"I'm proud of myself," Ash interrupts. "Is that arrogant? To be proud of myself for ... for something that has the potential to hurt you?"
That has the potential to hurt Eiji. Not something that definitely does hurt Eiji, unlike Ash would have thought not long ago. He would have been so certain, last year, that he's hurting Eiji by asking for anything.
Holy shit.
This is ... Ash has been making progress from the start, but this is so tangible. So clear, so real. And Ash sees it, too.
"I'm proud of you, too," Eiji says. "And I'm ... I'm proud of you for being proud of yourself, if that makes sense."
"You are?" Ash whimpers.
"I am. I'm so, so proud of you, Ash." Eiji barely remembers to avoid a pet name. But when Ash has asked so clearly for what he needs—Eiji will absolutely make sure to do his best. To not betray that trust that Ash is showing. "Not only for making so much progress, but for seeing it as a good thing. I ... You're incredible, you know that?"
"... Thanks," Ash mumbles. He buries himself even more into Eiji's arms. "I'm glad you think so. That you ... see me that way. It helps, a lot. You help." He swallows. "It's okay to be proud of myself?"
"It's more than okay!" Eiji says brightly. "It's important. I think that this is a big part of your recovery. To acknowledge your own accomplishments ..." Eiji threads a hand through Ash's hair. "Is this okay?"
"More than okay." Ash sighs, and he sounds content, not exasperated. Not distressed. "I'm so grateful to you. And ... I really am proud of myself. And maybe that's okay."
Eiji rocks Ash back and forth. "I love you."
"I love you, too. I'm trying, you know?"
"I know. I can tell, every single day. I see it. Your efforts, and your improvements. And I think that this is what recovery looks like. For both of us."
"Yeah," Ash whispers. "You've come a long way too, you know that?"
"I try," Eiji says with a smile. "Thank you."
"Thank you. And ... I can say that without apologizing, now. I think."
It's true, Eiji realizes. Ash's thank yous used to always come accompanied by an I'm sorry. But here? Now?
No more sorry. Only thank you. Only love.