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Nina can hear the crowd applauding. She can see, hazily, of the dancers crowding around her, and feel the touch of Thomas’s hand upon her face, cradling her as he whispers “my little princess”.
That was Beth’s nickname, Nina briefly thinks, before being reminded of the sharp pain in her abdomen.
She looks up at Lily, who is the first to notice Nina’s wound, and her eyes widen at the sight of blood staining the pure white fabric of her dress. Nina does feel a bit of regret that she hadn’t been able to truly be friends with her.
Then the applause turns frantic in Nina’s ears, and Lily is yelling for help, and Thomas looks down at her with fear, but fascination in his eyes.
“What have you done to yourself?” He whispers, and Nina curls her lip into an ironic smile.
“It was perfect.” I was perfect.
She looks back up at the stadium lights, blinding her sight white-hot. Then, there is only darkness that surrounds her.
Of course, it’s Lily who takes her place as the new Swan Queen.
Surprising herself, Nina doesn’t feel that familiar crushing weight of jealousy that makes her lose her mind. Maybe it’s because she’s already reached perfection, and she knows anything else would only drive her into a wall of impossible expectations.
So there she lays in the hospital bed, surrounded by pink lilies and white tulips, and Nina feels a sense of deja vu.
Beth looked the exact same.
“A tragedy, but a brilliant performance to the point of perfection”, the newspapers had called it. Nina’s story was a hit, and the fact she was injured only fed into the spectators’ hunger for drama at the expense of others.
The critics had absolutely adored it, and Nina laughs without humor as she watches them interpret her into some kind of metaphor.
Dissociative identity disorder, the doctors had called it. Plus paranoia and extreme stress.
Her mother sits beside her, and Nina feels like she was looking at the different woman. She guesses her mother felt the same way.
Too much had happened in the last few months, and the dam that her mother had built, trapping Nina into her twelve year old self had finally broken, and that was no going back.
Thomas comes to visit her, but the visits are becoming shorter and he clearly isn’t interested in some recently stitched up hospital patient who hasn’t washed her hair in a week.
But of course, Nina now understands the position he put her, and all the other dancers before her. And for sure, all the dancers that will come after her, guiding them into a false sense of comfort.
The other dancers had only visited her once, and it was full of Hallmark cards and passive aggressive remarks.
So, nothing out of the ordinary.
So, Nina doesn’t really care anymore.
Lilly comes to visit her, and whether she does it to rub it in her face or because she actually cares, Nina doesn’t know.
But then again, Lily never was conventional.
She always seems apologetic, and then talks for hours about nothing.
Nina appreciates that.
The fucking irony , Nina thinks. She had spent all this time trying to kill an illusion of Lily, but in the end it was technically Lily who saved her life.
Nina looks at the alarm clock beside her. Her mother had left a while ago, leaving Nina to the nurses. They don’t talk much anymore, and Nina is okay with it. They will someday, but definitely not in the foreseeable future.
It’s around 3:00 a.m., and Nina sighs as she leans back slowly into the plethora of soft pillows beneath her, hissing slightly as the wound stretches along with her.
Sometimes Nina wishes she had died along with the White Swan. The her that was so unstable, so untouchable, so perfect .
She’s sure the wound will leave a nasty, ugly scar, and even dancing is a big question with rehabilitation.
A moment of panic dawns on her, preventing her from breathing properly as she wonders, what am I going to do?
All Nina wanted to do was dance. All she knows is dancing. To take that away from her is a stab worse than that glass in her abdomen.
“Hey.”
Nina snaps out of her thoughts and looks up. Standing in the dimly lit hallway is Lily, her hair down and a bag hung around her shoulder.
“What are you doing here?” Nina whispers, and Lily shrugs.
“Can I come in?”
Nina nods, and Lily steps in, closing the door behind her.
“Can’t sleep?” She asks, and Nina nods mutely again.
“Me too,” Lily sits down on the chair Nina’s mother had been sitting on before, clasping her hands over her bag and leaning her head against the back of the seat. “Shows are going well. They love you more than they love me though, don’t worry.”
“I wasn’t,” Nina says without thinking, then pauses. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“It’s cool,” Lilly tilts to look at her, “It’s true. You really made an impact.”
Nina stays quiet, focusing on a ray of moonlight that shone on the white ceramic vase near her bed.
“I never wanted to steal your spot, Nina,” Lily says, and she sounds tired. “I just liked dancing.”
“I believe you.” And Nina does.
When she first started her treatment, she had pushed all the blame on Lily, blurring her delusions with her reality. It took a while before she could see Lily’s face without feeling suffocated.
But now she lifts her head to meet Lily’s dark eyes, still lined with dark liner like the first day she stepped into the studio.
“Thank you,” Nina says, and Lily gives an amused twitch in her brows.
“For what?” She sounds genuinely confused, and Nina laughs lightly. Of course she sounds insane right now, thanking the girl she had made her archnemesis for the past few months.
“I don’t know,” Nina shrugs, “For coming? And talking to me? I appreciate it.”
Lily shakes a head and gives a small laugh after a pause. “You’re a hell of a dancer, Nina.”
She curls up in her chair, “Mind if I sleep here? I kind of got kicked out of my apartment.”
“You?” Nina raises an eyebrow, “The big star now?” She teases her without menace.
Lily laughs, “Yeah, imagine, the Swan Queen sleeping on the streets. Would be a sight to see. But then again,” she pauses, thinking, “They don’t really care about what happens to the star behind the scene.”
With that, Lily quickly falls into a quiet sleep, leaving Nina to chew over her words.
“They don’t, do they?” Nina agrees quietly, watching Lily’s lashes flutter as she exhales softly.
Nina smiles, full of irony as she shifts beneath the covers. She keeps on surprising herself, because she suddenly feels like it’s easier to breathe.
It’s like there are a few less eyes off her now, and Nina takes a deep breath, lulling herself into what seems like the first peaceful dream, for the first time in a while.