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This newfound trend of Satoru’s started off on what was supposed to be a chilled-out day off about halfway through their first year in school.
A Saturday off was a hot commodity for a young jujutsu sorcerer. Hell, for a sorcerer of any age. For once, Suguru had nothing to do. No pressing matters to attend to, no missions, no tests to study for, nothing. He could just relax and take it easy.
Well, at least, that’s what he had planned to do. But as Suguru was finding out as the best friend of Gojo Satoru, things rarely went according to his plans.
Not that he could really complain, though, because his plan to just relax was far from impeded by the addition of Satoru. It was nice, actually. To have the other boy squished next to him in Suguru’s lofted twin bed. It was almost comforting to have the background noise and close company of Satoru muttering about as he played on his laptop and Suguru finally got to read the book he’d picked up last time they were in the city.
Well, it was peaceful and nice, until Satoru opened his mouth, that is.
“I’m bored,” Satoru whined and loudly slammed his laptop shut, sounding much younger than his actual age of sixteen. Suguru groaned and rubbed at his eyes. He reluctantly folded the corner of the book he was reading and let it flop onto his chest. To his credit, Satoru had been quiet and preoccupied with updating his MySpace page or something for about an hour. (Suguru couldn’t really be sure of exactly what he was up to, he hadn’t been listening all that closely to Satoru’s running monologue of his typing and clicking.) “It’s barely been an hour, how are you already bored?” Suguru sighed, turning his head to meet Satoru’s eyes.
He certainly wasn’t a stranger to what Satoru’s uncovered eyes looked like. Hell, he was probably one of the only people who got to see the Six Eyes unhindered by a pair of dark shades. Still, it was hard for him to get used to being subjected to Satoru’s piercing gaze, the intensity of the blue that would rival both the sea and the skies. Suguru wished that he could pass off the way his stomach tightened or the way his heartbeat picked up in pace when he was looking into Satoru’s eyes as simply being a product of teenage hormones or something. Anything was better than admitting these feelings might have something to do with Satoru himself.
Satoru had grown up alone on top of a pedestal for the Gojo Clan and everyone else to revere and gawk at. Shoko and Suguru were his first real friends. Suguru would hate himself if he were the one to squash that by bringing his confusing feelings into the mix and risk ruining Satoru’s first experience at having a best friend or having some sense of normalcy in his life destined for greatness.
“It’s not my fault that you are so small-minded that you can simply be content by reading a book all day, but I’m bored,” Satoru crossed his arms and tipped his chin in the air haughtily, “Come on, let’s do something fun.”
Suguru shrugged off the insult, knowing better than to play into Satoru’s silly games, and resigned to his fate of losing a relaxing day, “Fine, what do you want to do?”
Satoru’s face changed completely into a look of pure happiness at getting his way, as if Suguru didn’t give in to him on the regular, and clapped his hands together. “Hmm, well it’s raining so I don’t want to go into the city.”
“Why? Can’t you just use Infinity to keep the rain off of you?” Suguru chuckled, perplexed at how easily Satoru seemed to shrug off or take for granted the gifts he’d been given at birth.
“Well, duh. But you’d still get wet, then I’d have to listen to you complain about it. You’re very grumpy when you’re uncomfortable, you know.” Suguru huffed out an offended sound and rolled away from Satoru, picking up where he’d left off in his book.
“Wait, wait, come back,” Satoru whined, grasping at Suguru’s t-shirt to get him to roll back over. Such a kid, Suguru thought wistfully. “There’s actually something I’ve been wanting to ask you about.”
“What’s that?” Suguru tried to keep his voice even and steady, but his heart was pounding in his chest. Especially as he watched Satoru look down at his lap, a pinkish color dusting his cheeks. Well, that was certainly different.
“Well, it’s just kind of embarrassing,” Satoru groaned, still avoiding looking directly into Suguru’s eyes. And Suguru felt like he might just melt right here as his mind raced through all the possibilities of what might come out of his friend’s mouth next.
“It’s just me,” Suguru prodded, his stomach turning excitedly as Satoru finally met his gaze.
“I mean, so, you know how I like never really left the Gojo Estate when I was growing up?” Suguru nodded, trying to keep cool and collected as Satoru continued. “Well, I know I seem like really experienced—” Suguru bit his lip, holding back the laugh building in his throat as he tried to be serious and listen, “—but well, I’ve never really kissed anyone.”
“Okay?” Suguru questioned, suddenly losing sight of where this was going.
Satoru sighed exasperatedly, “Okay… so you’ve kissed people before, right?”
Suguru nodded. Yeah, there’d been a few girls when he was in middle school that he’d messed around with, and then a couple of boys as he started to realize where his true attraction might lie. That was pretty much it though, except for a few sloppy blow jobs the summer before he started at Jujutsu High School. He’d never gone all the way and he wouldn’t call himself an expert, but he’d certainly tried some stuff. Satoru pressed forward, “So, like do you think you could teach me?”
Suguru gaped at his friend, trying to understand if he’d heard him correctly. His brain halted and alarm sounds started blaring in his head. “Teach you? How?” Suguru somehow managed to stutter out.
Satoru looked at him dumbly and flicked him between the eyes, “Come on, this is embarrassing enough. Can’t you just like teach me? No homo, or whatever. It’ll be like practice or something?”
Suguru was absolutely, positively reeling. The gay panic wheeling up inside of him. His best friend, his most trusted partner, the guy he, unfortunately, had a huge, aching crush on was asking him to teach him how to kiss as practice. He was truly at a crossroads. He quickly considered his course of action as he pondered Satoru’s request.
#1. Red Flag. Satoru clearly said, “no homo,” he didn’t want Suguru like he wanted Satoru. If anything, he’d only be a pair of lips to practice on.
#2. However, if he went through with this plan… he’d get to kiss Satoru.
#3. Would this ruin their friendship? It was always risky to cross this boundary. Hell, that was part of the reason he’d never ever wanted to mention his crush to Satoru.
#4. Fuck it, he’d get to kiss Satoru.
Raging teenage hormones seemed to win this round, as Suguru tried his best not to sound too eager as he completely agreed to Satoru’s weird-ass plan, “Yes, fine. I’ll teach you how to kiss.” He’d add an eye roll in for good measure when he said this, just to make sure he especially didn’t seem too eager to agree to this plan.
Satoru clapped his hands together, a bright smile stretching across his face. “Really, Suguru! You will?” Butterflies danced in Suguru’s stomach. No, scratch that. It was more likely that the remnants of the curse he’d swallowed a couple of days ago gnawed at his belly at this display, and he couldn’t help but dumbly nod at Satoru’s happiness, his willingness.
“So,” Satoru let out a breath, laying down on the bed next to Suguru so they were facing each other. “Should we just start now?”
Suguru laughed, feeling a little nervous all of a sudden. Worrying that he might forget how to kiss or something and look like a total fool. “Yeah, we can. If you want.” Yeah, that sounded good, sounded cool and detached.
“Yeah, I want to start now,” Satoru said quietly, “Should I just like… I don’t know? Kiss you?”
Suguru pretended to ponder this question, scratching at his chin sagely. Like he wasn’t losing it on the inside at the thought of kissing Satoru. “Yeah, I feel like I should see where you’re at, you know? Gauge your skill level?”
Satoru nodded, looking just a little bit nervous as he pressed closer to Suguru. Oh, my god. This was actually happening. Suguru forced his eyes shut as Satoru leaned forward and pressed his lips softly against Suguru’s, tasting just a little bit like the cherry lip balm he’d been obsessively applying as the weather got colder. Not that Suguru noticed, of course, this was strictly for practice. Just friends helping each other out.
Satoru seemed to freeze and lose track of what he was supposed to do once his lips met Suguru’s and simply just held them there for a moment. The moment seemed to stretch out for so long that Suguru worried he’d changed his mind, had realized what a horrible mistake this was. But, suddenly Satoru seemed to get his courage back and moved his lips against Suguru’s, and Suguru found his own courage to match his efforts.
Okay, maybe they got a little too carried away in their efforts to match each other’s energy because the kiss was sloppy. Their lips moved quickly against the other’s. Satoru’s tongue jutting out to try and meet Suguru’s but accidentally miscalculating and clanking their teeth together just slightly. They managed to move past this misstep and get back to a steady rhythm, but this was lost yet again as Satoru tried to press further into the kiss and accidentally ended up licking the side of Suguru’s cheek. Satoru immediately reeled back, looking horrified, “I’m so sorry, I’m awful at this, aren’t I?” he frowned, his bottom lip jutting out like a kid that was denied their favorite treat.
“No, no!” Suguru quickly placated, the kiss hadn’t been bad at all. Mostly, because all Suguru could focus on was the fact that he was actually kissing Satoru, even with his cheek wet with spit and his teeth kind of aching. His brain was broken, wasn’t it? “It wasn’t so bad. Maybe you just need… I don’t like some more practice?” God, that sounded so dumb.
Well, obviously, Satoru didn’t think the suggestion was all that dumb because his face immediately lightened up. “Really! You’ll still help me?”
Suguru smiled at his beaming best friend, “Yeah, of course. Maybe not today though, my teeth kind of hurt.” Satoru blanched and pushed at Suguru’s chest, nearly causing him to fall off the bed. Not that Suguru really minded that much because his day off had been pretty great so far. Not even landing on the carpeted floor could take away the happiness growing inside of him.
They practiced a lot in the next few months. Suguru was practically at Satoru’s beck and call for whenever the other wanted to improve on his kissing technique.
And Satoru was asking to practice a lot. They practiced after class, in random storage closets, and in hidden spots across campus. They practiced after missions when Suguru was too tired to fight his better reasoning and too desperate to get the awful taste of curses out of his mouth. Hungry to taste the sweetness on Satoru’s lips instead.
Suguru assumed he probably just had a girl in his sights that he wanted to woo when he improved on his skill of the craft, of course.
Shoko had a lot to say about this arrangement when Suguru finally got the nerve to confide in her. “You know, Satoru’s definitely gay, right? Like you know this.” She sighed as she puffed out a cloud of smoke. Smoking was distinctly Shoko’s ritual, but sometimes after particularly hard missions, she’d let Suguru join her and share a pack of cigarettes with her, in exchange for listening to his venting.
“He’s not gay,” Suguru groaned, inhaling harshly on his own cigarette. He was tired of rehashing his and Satoru’s arrangement to her, “He just wants to practice.”
Shoko groaned, fumbling for the lighter in the waistband of her uniform skirt, “He is. He just hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. Probably because the Gojo clan is keen on repression or whatever. But, he totally is,” Suguru rolled his eyes, she clearly didn’t understand. “You’re just going to get hurt, do you realize that? How long can you “practice” before it’s too much for you?”
Maybe she was right about that. Suguru really didn’t want to think about it. He really just wanted to kiss Satoru whenever he got the chance. He didn’t want to think about the consequences. He was strong—one of the strongest. He could handle the worst of curses and he could certainly handle this.
Then, the upper-class men from Kyoto were visiting for the weekend—Utahime and Mei Mei. This event had allowed Shoko to acquire copious amounts of alcohol and convinced everyone to congregate in her dorm room. Hell, she’d even convinced the ever-uptight Nanami to join in on the activities. Though, Suguru was more than sure that Haibara had more to do with this development. Not that he had any right to judge crushes.
Needless to say, Suguru was drunk. Like drunk enough where he knew that if he even tried to stand up his head would be swirling to keep up with the sudden movement. Still, he felt really good, if not just a bit flushed. And he was crammed on Shoko’s bed next to perhaps an even drunker Satoru.
Maybe it was the alcohol clouding his judgment or even his vision, but Suguru couldn’t help but admire the boy next to him. Satoru’s sunglasses were long abandoned and he was giggling at something Shoko said and he was practically falling into Suguru’s lap as he laughed.
With all the “practicing” they’d been doing lately, it was getting harder for Suguru to distinguish their friendship from the more intimate moments they shared, even if Satoru firmly reminded him it was all a learning experience. Mutually beneficial for both of them to improve their skills for the next time they tried to get girls or something.
Still, Suguru couldn’t ignore the ache in his chest, the longing deep inside of him, as Satoru fell into his lap sideways and shimmed around until he was looking up at Suguru. His cheeks were flushed and he was squinting his eyes a little, probably the Six Eyes trying to fight past the overflow of stimulation he’d forced on them tonight with all the mixed drinks. Satoru reached up and squished Suguru’s cheeks together then pushed his face into a forced smile. “Suguru, you need to smile more, you’re always thinking too much,” he chided and then started laughing at his own joke. Suguru rolled his eyes and retched Satoru’s hand away from his face.
“You guys make me sick,” Utahime groaned at the display, “Just fuck already and spare the rest of us.” Satoru was out of Suguru’s lap at a surprisingly fast speed and Suguru ignored the way his heart coiled in disappointment and his face heated up in embarrassment.
Satoru had his arms crossed and was positively pouting, he leveled a dirty look at Utahime, “Speak for yourself,” and gestured between her and Shoko, the two were currently cuddled up on a beanbag in the corner of the room. Suguru groaned inwardly, when Satoru and Utahime got like this with each other, all petty and argumentative, it was never good for anyone. He sent a pleading look towards Shoko, trying to communicate to her how badly he wanted out of this situation.
“Alright, alright,” Shoko sighed, giving Suguru an apologetic look, “It’s getting late, I say we go our separate ways for the night.” Though, Suguru would pretend he didn’t notice how she whispered something in Utahime’s ear that made the other woman blush just a little bit. Obviously, he had no right to judge anyone’s crushes.
Satoru huffed out an annoyed sound and stomped out of the dorm room. Suguru had no choice but to follow him out, hoping he’d just get over whatever aspect of Utahime’s words had upset him, so Suguru could go to bed and sleep off his drunkenness.
Instead of storming off into his own room, like Suguru had expected him to do, Satoru went past his door and stopped right in front of Suguru’s, turning impatiently towards the other boy with his arms crossed.
“Come on, Satoru,” Suguru sighed as he searched for the key in his pocket, “I’m tired.”
Satoru’s bottom lip jutted out, his blue eyes narrowing in on Suguru’s. “I’m not tired, can’t we please just stay up and party a little longer. Please. It’s not even that late.”
Suguru was strong in a lot of ways. Physically, he might even be stronger than Satoru, who was built like a string bean. But, he certainly was not strong enough to deny Satoru of anything, which was becoming more and more prominent as of late. “Fine,” he muttered, opening his door so Satoru could push past him.
“Yay,” Satoru exclaimed as he raced towards Suguru’s bed and flopped down on the center of it. Suguru shook his head trying to seem annoyed at his antics, but couldn’t fight the smile that was creeping upon his face. He flopped down next to Satoru, forcing his way onto his own bed.
Satoru turned to look at him, a big, goofy smile on his face and he was chuckling to himself in a way that only drunk people can manage to make look sort of cute. His eyes seemed to search Suguru’s for a second and a wave of seriousness washed over his silly expression. “Do you want to practice?” he whispered quietly, using his thumb to trace Suguru’s bottom lip.
“Yeah,” Suguru managed to say, his throat feeling impossibly dry. Satoru didn’t waste any time before he was slotting his lips against Suguru’s, pressing in closer. Suguru was immediately lost in the kiss, his drunk brain only able to focus on the feeling of Satoru against him. He wanted him closer, closer, closer. He wanted more than practice, he wanted to take Satoru as his. Wanted to swirl him into a perfect sphere and swallow him like a curse.
Suguru swiped his tongue against Satoru’s bottom lip, so he could lick into the other’s mouth. Satoru groaned softly against his mouth and Suguru’s brain short-wired for a second, trying to remind himself that this was only practice, and pulled back a bit, trying to curb his desire and settling for pressing softer pecks against the side of Satoru’s lips. Satoru, however, didn’t seem to get the message and pulled away for a brief second, before lunging back to attack Suguru’s jaw and then traveling down to his neck, where his jugular vein was pulsing hotly. He pressed a feather-light kiss on the pulse point before sucking hard at the spot. That was different, an off-limits behavior they’d never explicitly mentioned, but was all but understood. No marks. But rules seemed to be far from Satoru’s mind as his teeth lingered on the spot.
“I’m sleepy,” Satoru whispered, his breath tickling Suguru’s oversensitive neck. He yawned and rested his head against the other’s chest, all thoughts of “practicing” forgotten, and drifted into unconsciousness.'Sleep was the farthest thing from Suguru’s mind. His heart was pounding in his chest.
That was farther than their practice had ever gone. Granted, they were drunk, but still. He couldn’t help but wonder if they had crossed a boundary into something more. Something more like Suguru wanted with Satoru. He stared at the ceiling of his dorm, trying to calm down. To tell his brain not to think too far into the future.
When morning came. It was clear that Suguru’s hopes were nothing more than wishful thinking, destined to stay locked where all drunken actions stayed, trapped in the previous night. This was all but confirmed as Satoru woke up slowly and laughed, his pale fingers tracing the mark on Suguru’s neck.
“Is that a hickey?” Satoru gaped, a mischievous smile gracing his features, “Wow, Suguru. You really are quite the degenerate, aren’t you?"
Suguru wanted to scream at the other teenager. Wanted to shout—No, it was you! You did this to me! You marked me! Instead, he just smiled shyly and responded with a shrug, “Yeah, you know me!” Satoru flicked him between the eyebrows before shuffling off the bed and heading out the door with a sloppy salute.
Maybe they'd get to practice again, when they'd both be in their totally right minds, and not clouded by anything else. Maybe then Suguru could gain the courage to say how he truly felt about Satoru and that he wanted more than to be someone to practice on.
Then, suddenly, there was no more time for fun, drunken nights. And certainly, no time for practicing something as silly as kissing. Riko Amani was dead. Murdered right in front of Suguru. Worse, it was his fault.
The guilt was overwhelming. It felt like it was suffocating him most days. He couldn’t focus on school, on his missions, on anything except for the horrible image of Riko’s body limp in Satoru’s arms.
It wasn’t like he even saw Satoru that much anymore, their schedules completely opposite of the other’s. Besides, Satoru was caught up in practicing in technique. He needed Suguru to throw school supplies at his Infinity now, he couldn’t be concerned with perfecting his kissing technique in times like these.
Suguru awoke from the familiar nightmare, a repeat of every misstep he’d taken during that fateful mission. Everywhere he went wrong, all of it shown to him in rapid succession, while he remained helpless to do anything but watch it all unfold from his dream-addled trance. Not unlike the way reality had unfolded, Toji—a fucking monkey, devoid of cursed energy—defeated him without a second thought, barely breaking a sweat. His body was drenched in sweat as he sat up in his bed. He shucked off his sleep shirt, using it to wipe off his face. Fighting the way his chest was heaving, ready to sob. Suguru couldn’t take another display of weakness tonight, or maybe ever again.
There was rapid knocking on his door. He was so removed from reality, he almost didn’t register it, before the door was cracking open and revealing a white-haired teenager. No, man—Satoru was growing up, looking more and more like an adult as the days dragged on. Another reminder of how much he was slipping from Suguru’s grasp, moving so far beyond his feeble reach.
“What do you want, Gojo?” Suguru grumbled, swiping at eyes with the shirt again, so as not to face the harrowing gaze of the strongest sorcerer, one that he was humble enough to know he could never match.
“I… I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” Satoru whispered, swaying awkwardly by the doorway.
“Why?” Suguru huffed out, hating the anger that clung to his words, but not knowing having the control to reel the feeling in.
“You’re my best friend,” Satoru muttered, though the statement sounded more like a question than an affirmation, which only spurred Suguru’s self-hatred, his self-doubt.
“Yeah, okay. If you say so.” Suguru grumbled, laying back down on his bed and bringing a pillow to smother his aching head.
“I do say so,” Satoru whispered and Suguru felt him sit on the bottom of the bed.
“Yeah, okay. Why are you here? Do you want to practice your kissing or something?” Suguru spat, still shielded by the pillow. He didn’t think he’d have the nerve to say these words if he was looking at Satoru head-on, under the gaze of his deep, ocean blue eyes.
“Is that why you’re so down?” Satoru asked, though even Suguru could admit that there was no heat behind the statement, he wasn’t mocking him. Still, the fact that Satoru could even suggest that sent him reeling and spiraling further in his vacuum of self-hatred.
“Please,” Suguru pleaded, “Just leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to,” Satoru countered.
Maybe this was his way of saying that he cared, maybe he was trying to show Suguru the depths of his friendship, of his love for the other. But, Suguru’s tired mind could only focus on what was in front of him, of what he’d lost in the past few months. Satoru couldn’t just show up again after months of separation and claim he truly cared for Suguru or wanted to understand how he was feeling. Satoru didn’t understand what it was like to lose or to fuck up. He was beyond that, and Suguru knew that Satoru knew this. His being here felt like an insult to Suguru’s character. Rubbing salt in the wound that Suguru couldn’t heal from the mistakes that he’d made while Satoru was too busy advancing and growing from the incident that left Suguru broken past repair.
“Please, just leave me alone,” Suguru tried again, his voice barely more than a desperate plea. He didn’t have to look up from the shield of his pillow to know that Satoru had given up on him. He felt it. He felt the weight of Satoru leaving the foot of his bed.
He’d brought the encounter up to Shoko a couple of days later over cigarettes shared on the roof of one of the school buildings. She shook her head, “You realize he’s in love with you, right? That’s what he’s trying to say with all of this. He just doesn’t know how to do it.” The look in her eyes was genuine, she truly believed what she was saying.
Suguru wanted to scream at her. He wanted to tell her how wrong she was to even suggest that Satoru wanted him for more than to better his own skillset. She didn’t understand. Instead, he took a long drag of his cigarette and shook his head solemnly, “He’s not, you just don’t get it.”
He flicked his cigarette to the ground and stepped on the remaining flame with the sole of his sole. He had a mission to attend to anyways. Something about a curse terrorizing a small village.