Chapter Text
***
One day more
These men who seem to know my crime
Will surely come a second time
One day more
How can I live when we are parted?
One day more
Tomorrow you’ll be worlds away
And yet with you my world has started
One more day all on my own
Will we ever meet again?
— Les Miserables
***
Prologue – Demons
***
Danny watched the ocean, lost in the rhythm of the waves gently lapping on the shore.
A lukewarm beer sat untouched at his side, resting on one of the arms of the Adirondack chair he’d come to claim as his own over the years.
The salty breeze moving gently over his skin sent an involuntary shiver down his spine, promising some much-needed respite from the unusual heat that had risen the normally mild late summer temperatures to a scorching level.
He shifted in his seat, leaning his back against the solid wood, and closed his eyes.
Sometimes, against his better judgement, he’d find himself heading over to Steve’s place. Usually on the nights he knew Junior and Tani weren’t home. Walking to the backyard through the side pathway so that he wouldn’t have to step inside the house, he’d sit by the beach with a drink or just his thoughts, and then slip out quietly a few hours later.
It did him more harm than good, but he couldn’t seem to help it.
490 days, twenty-two hours and seventeen minutes.
That’s how long it had been since his best friend had left the island, driven by guilt and an overwhelming need to get away from everything that mattered to him.
Each one of those days had been hell, made worse by the fact that Steve had progressively withdrawn despite promising to stay in touch. After a few texts to let him know he had made it to the mainland and was on his way to the next destination, he’d started missing calls and ignoring messages until he had disappeared completely.
Danny missed him like crazy, and the lack of communication was as unsettling as the possible reasons behind it. Too many, the ones his mind had come up with. It wasn’t like Steve to stay off the radar like that during what was supposed to be a healing journey around the world.
There had to be something wrong, said a nagging voice in his head that couldn’t be silenced.
His eyes were steady to the horizon, his lips pursed as he wrung his hands nervously in his lap.
Had he caused it? Was this unsettling silence a result of something he’d done? He remembered voicing his concerns, but also openly supporting Steve even if he didn’t really agree with his plan.
Danny knew him better than Steve knew himself. He knew what he thought, how he felt and what he needed and this? This distance he had put between them? It was definitely out of character and for the life of him, he couldn’t find a reason for it.
The sky was a blend of reds, oranges and yellows shades as the sun gradually disappeared into the water. It was a magnificent sight but instead of soothing him, it filled him with a sense of dread and disquiet so he closed his eyes and focused on the sound of the ocean and the seagulls squawking in the distance.
The evenings were the absolute worst.
They used to be a time of reward after a harrowing day. A time to just sit, unwind and enjoy the simple pleasures of a meal or a good company. Now, they felt as empty and lonely as he was.
Sure, he had learned to feel joy without Steve. Short, fleeting moments, mostly related to something his children said or did, but there was always a tinge of sadness beneath as a reminder that his heart wasn’t whole.
No one on the team had heard from him either. Even Mary had only received a handful of calls. No details, no info on where he was or what his intentions were. Just that he was okay and that he loved her. Which, in Steve language, meant he was on a mission and that he was dead set on seeing it through. What that mission was, Danny had no idea. And he couldn’t blame Mary one bit if every one of those calls had upset her more than reassured her.
They were all at a loss, asking themselves what they could do to help and knowing at the same time that if Steve didn’t want to be found, no one would be able to.
Above him, the sky had almost completely transitioned from day to night, the yellow and orange tones giving way to purple and pink. Rubbing a hand across his face, Danny wondered if he too sat outside at night, enjoying those sunsets he loved so much. If he was safe, and had found at least some of the peace he’d been looking for.
But most of all, he wondered if he would ever see Steve again.
Despite having a family, a job, and a relatively fulfilling life, there was an emptiness in his heart that only his best friend could fill, and every day that went by without him brought Danny closer and closer to a breakdown he wasn’t sure he could bounce back from.
One more day, he told himself as he pursed his lips and got up, ready to leave.
He could hold on for at least one more day.
One day more.
***
Sitting on the porch in the twilight of yet another empty day, Steve looked at the snow.
The small, delicate flakes swirled playfully in the wind, dancing in the soft glow coming from the fireplace inside before falling on top of each other, covering everything in perfect white.
Some of them landed on his face and hands, immediately melting on his skin.
The sun had set about an hour before, leaving the darkness of the night and the silence of the woods as his only companions.
It would be five hours until daylight came again.
Short nights were a blessing to him. Less time to toss and turn in bed, more chances to keep himself busy during the day. It was one of the reasons he had ended up so far from home.
His breaths rose in white-puffed clouds, heading up towards the sky. Tilting his head backwards, he followed their path until they disappeared.
Would anyone care if he did the same?
The remote, off-grid cabin he had chosen as his shelter was surrounded by conifer trees. White spruces, black spruces, larches. They stood starkly against the snow, their limbs bent by its weight. And yet they rested stoically in place, forcing roots and branches to endure the pain, waiting for better days. It was a sad parallel to Steve’s own back and soul, weighed down by everything that had happened to him, only he didn’t know if he was brave enough to carry that weight anymore.
Behind those trees were the mountains, equally dusted in white.
Not a soul in sight, just a few animals and an endless forest.
He hadn’t picked out the place at random.
His fingers curled around the mug of steaming hot coffee that he knew would get him through the night. It was the only way to ward off the nightmares that visited him in his sleep. The warmth seeped beneath his skin, triggering memories of the place he used to call home. Of the sun on his face, the sand on his feet, and the family he had been forced to leave.
He missed all of them terribly, and feared that he might not be able to find his way back this time. Most days, he felt like drowning in his own despair. Alone. Alone and away from the life he had fought so hard to build.
He scratched his beard, the beard he had let grow way past the point of decency. Who was going to care about it anyway?
Danny always hated it, said it made him look older and sadder than he was.
But Danny wasn’t here now, and both adjectives fit him to a tee.
He was older and sadder than he had ever been.
Danny.
He had given up everything for him. Everything he had and everything he was, and it still killed him that the last time they’d seen each other had been so awkward.
Unable to share what was burdening his heart, he had tried to sell him the ‘I need peace’ lie, dodging his questions as best as he could. In the end, he realized, that had hurt Danny even more than his sacrifice.
But what else was he supposed to do?
He couldn’t risk his friend’s life after coming so close to losing him.
Sometimes, Danny visited him in his dreams. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt as if they were both still in Hawaii he’d sit with him for a while, say he missed him, and call him an idiot for shouldering this giant burden all to himself. Steve knew it was probably his subconscious needing to hear those words, but he treasured those dreams nonetheless.
Around him, the snow continued to fall.
Steve turned up the collar of his jacket against the cold air.
The warmth from the fireplace inside was inviting but he didn’t move from his spot, his gaze fixed on the night sky, asking himself why his life had chosen such a challenging path and why every time he seemed to have found some kind of stability, something would happen to make it all disappear.
Staring out into the darkness, he wondered if his friends missed him.
Did they even realize the real reason he had left or were they out there living their lives without sparing him a second thought?
He thought about her too, picturing her cold eyes as she laughed at him and the life she had sentenced him to.
Was there even a point anymore?
Steve McGarrett never quit, but during the long months he’d spent away from Hawaii he sure as hell had thought about it.
Part of him wanted to. Every morning when he woke up, after those few blissful moments before the memories came crashing in, he thought about throwing in the towel.
But he never did.
Releasing a sigh, he slowly got to his feet and dragged his weary body inside the cabin.
Maybe tomorrow would be different.
One day more.