Chapter Text
Dan had a routine, not a big one, but enough of one that he could confidently say there were a few things he did a day. He woke up and went on Tumblr while he waited for Phil to get up. Then they'd eat cereal and watch a show. He went back on Tumblr and tweeted occasionally all while procrastinating working on a video. Then he'd probably eat again. Maybe went and filmed or edited, and eventually went back to the internet for several hours. Sometime in the early morning he'd then take his pill before going to bed, then lie there hating himself for not being productive enough.
He never planned on keeping the pill a secret from Phil because he never planned on Phil and him living together so comfortably for over 3 years. He'd banked on a year maybe a year and a half before they went their separate ways. He'd only banked on 2 months max before Phil found out what the pills were for. Dan couldn’t believe it was 2015 and Phil didn’t know yet.
When Dan and Phil first moved in together they'd already been flirting for a while. Dan knew Phil liked him and he knew he made it clear that he felt the same way back.
Every night as he swallowed the pill he thought back to 2011 when they rolled around in celebration on their new Manchester floor. It was a wrestling match that had somehow turned into tickling. Dan was gasping between laughs as the blue-eyed tickle monster found his spots. Phil knew about the neck-thing Dan had and was trying his best to avoid it but he got a little worked up.
Dan opened his mouth to cry “Stop!” when Phil stopped tickling and caught his lips. A spark shot down his back and he returned the kiss. He remembers noting the carpet that they’d vaccuumed moments earlier had tugged his shirt up from all the previous squirming as he lay there after they broke the kiss. He remembers staring up into Phil’s eyes and wondering if he was returning the same thirsty expression. He remembers glancing down to pull straighten his shirt and saw that Phil was hard.
His eyes hadn't made their way back to the ocean-like eyes when he heard: “Sorry, it doesn’t take much once I already like someone.” His embarrassed tone did not match the intense stare he sported when Dan’s eyes reached his.
Dan couldn’t help how jealous and embarrassed and stupid he’d felt in that moment. “I can’t do this Phil.” He squirmed out from under Phil. He doesn’t remember the expression on Phil’s face because he didn’t look. Dan retreated to his room and hated how he was different. Hating how jealous he was. Hating how he and Phil would never be able to be together.
A few days without talking about it passed before Phil brought it up.
“I’m really sorry, Dan but can we talk about this elephant in the room?” He blurted out as he handed Dan a cup of hot chocolate. Dan nodded. “I just want to know when I read the signs wrong. I thought you were into me, and then you ran to your room. Are you into me? Or did I just come at you because if I did I am so sorry." There was silence as Dan's mouth failed to form words. "Please say something, I am so confused right now. I dont know if I should apologize and leave or if I should have just chased you back to your room cat and mouse style. I am so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I really like you and I shouldn't have pushed you like that.”
“Phil…” Of course Phil would blame himself, and looking back he could see why. He looked down at the mug in his hands. “Please stop blaming yourself. It's just...” He stretched the sentence as he thought of a convincing lie. “You’re my best friend. I never had one growing up. I do like you romantically but I don’t know if I love you. I would rather keep us best friends and live together as long as possible than have a fleeting relationship with a messy breakup that leaves me alone and looking for a new place to live." It wasn't a complete lie.
There was a long silence. Dan looked up at Phil who was still standing and now had his eyes placed on a wall to his left. His eyes were glassy and his face was a little flushed, but he wasn't crying. The brown eyed boy was on edge waiting for a reply. His heart pumping loudly in his ears as blue eyes met his. “I understand.” He finally said with a nod. “Do you want to watch something?” He sat next to Dan on the couch.
After that day it was never brought up again. They just fell into place naturally side by side. Eating meals, shopping for clothes, watching television shows, making videos. Everything seemed to function so perfectly it was hard to imagine life without the other. It was a bit codependent, as Dan was reminded of every time Phil left to be with family on holiday and anxiety hit him with a brick, but it was otherwise healthy.
The walls of their flat were thin enough that Dan knew Phils sleeping schedule. After Phil slept Dan would wait 15 minutes so that he was sure that Phil was completely unconscious when Dan took his pill.
He'd had a particularly bad week and that night Dan fiddled with the bottle and leaned back on the bed staring at the ceiling, lost in his mind. He wondered, as he often did, how Phil would take it if he found out. He got restless as his thoughts surrounded him and got up to pace around his room.
"Would he be mad?" He mumbled. "No, probably disappointed. He'd say it too."
//"Dan you know you can tell me anything. Why didn’t you trust me?"//
"I'm sorry, I didn't think I could keep it hidden this long, I didn't think you'd put up with me this long."
//"Why wouldn't you tell me after you knew it would work out? We're still together now aren't we? You said it yourself, we're best friends! This is a huge part of your life!"//
"I'm sorry, Phil I didnt mean to hurt your feelings, I just didn't know how to get out of this web of lies I'd hanged myself from."
//"You tell the truth, Dan! That's how! You don't keep lying!"//
"I'm sorry!" Dan accidentally yelled.
The silence almost seemed to echo as his eyes made their way to his clock that read 5:57AM. He tiptoed towards the wall and placed his ear against it, listening for Phil's breathing. He heard the creak of Phils floor. He was awake. "Sorry Phil! I'm okay, I didnt mean to wake you." He said as sane-sounding as he could, just enough so Phil could hear.
"Dan its 6AM. We needed to be up at 8 for Louise's brunch." Phil approached Dan's door with exhaustion. "Best get some caffeine in you. No point in sleeping now. Come get some breakfast." He heard him step away from the door and head towards the kitchen.
A harsh cringe took as he noted Phil was clearly cranky. Judging by his heavy tone it was likely it would last the day. Phil usually slept through everything. He got dressed and shamefully stepped into the kitchen. Phil faced the coffee pot with two mugs in front of him, his back to Dan who softly said: "Sorry again."
"Dan you need to talk to someone." The black haired man said flatly.
He laughed it off, "Phil, I-"
"If not me or a professional, maybe another friend? I want you to talk to someone today. There are going to be a ton of people we know. Pick one and just please talk to them because whatever is keeping you up is clearly interfering with your life and has only been getting progressively worse." Phil turned around to face Dan, handing him coffee. "I care about you, Dan. I understand if you can't tell me what it is, but because of that limitation I can't give you as much help as I want to." His expression softened. "I hate feeling so helpless."
“Aw, Dad, do I have to?” He mused, desperately tried to make a joke of it. After all, it wasn't going to happen.
“We’re not leaving Louise’s until you do.” Phil cracked a small smile as the mug touched his lips. “She said we’re welcome to spend the night, but not to brag about it because we’re the only ones with the luxury.” The smile was gone when the mug was placed on the counter. “But I am serious Dan. It’s upsetting me at this point. I refuse to use ear plugs because it would actually be me choosing to physically ignore my best friend’s cries for help.”
“I’ll try.” Dan lied, abandoning the joke he tried to make of it. There was no point arguing how he actually didn't need help because he couldn't prove it without crossing the line into 'confession' territory. There was a moment where things seemed mildly okay before Phil shook his head with a glare. He grabbed both mugs and with a mild rage dumped the coffee from both down the drain and left them in the sink. “Phil!” his jaw dropped.
Phil put his arms up, seemingly done with the conversation as he left the kitchen, the glass door swinging shut behind him. Dan ran after him and grabbed his shoulder. “Let go!” Phil shook him off.
Dan’s stomach dropped as he saw the tears forming in Phil’s bloodshot eyes. “Phil what is going on?”
“You tell me Dan! You tell me!” Phil’s voice shook as he yelled. “Please just tell me,” He started to cry. “I am dying for you to just tell me so I can help! God forbid I try, though. How dare I suggest you pacing and panicking as you mumble my name at the crack of dawn is worth worrying over.” He laughed bitterly. “I know I am a factor in what is going on with you right now. And then today you actually scream and you laugh it off. ‘Oops, sorry, Phil.’ What am I supposed to say? It’s okay? It’s not. I heard you scream your apology moments before. I wish you’d tell me what you did in your head that was so horrible. The scream is not what I’m upset about, Dan. It’s the anxiety behind it.”
Dan’s mouth was dry as his spoke, “Phil, I said I’d try and talk.”
He shook his head with a barked laugh. “Dan, I know you well enough that I can tell when you’re serious about something and when you’re bullshitting.” He turned away. “Please get ready, I’d like to leave as soon as possible. I don’t like fighting and I’m too worked up to just sit and talk it out.”
“Phil.” Dan started, but the door closed.
The ride to the party via cab was quiet and Dan’s overnight bag on his lap left his phone at an awkward angle. He opened twitter.
@danisnotonfire: the sunshine is mocking me.
The replies gave him something to do. He followed a few people who asked to make their morning slightly better than his. Just then, a text came in from Louise.
Louise: Well arent you up early! I saw twitter.
Dan: We’re about 20 minutes from your house. Please have coffee ready. Phil poured mine down the drain during our fight. I dont want to talk about it.
Louise: Uh oh. Noted. Coffee is perking.
When they got to her place Phil finally spoke, “Want me to get that?” and took Dan’s bag to the guest room. Dan nodded a thank you. The weight Dan felt in his heart was making it hard to move. Everything seemed so much heavier that even taking a step seemed like moving a boulder.
He made his way to the kitchen with Louise. “Well that was uncomfortable,” she commented with an awkward laugh. “Are you both spending the night? I only have one spare room…”
“I don’t know. I might go home.” He sighed. “I don’t think I’ll be up for socializing today.”
Louise frowned opening her arms, “Oh, Dan, come here.” she wrapped them around him in an embrace. “It’s okay if you’re quiet,” She squeezed tight before releasing him. “but I hope you know I’m not letting you leave.”
“Louise…”
“Nope. Not hearing it.” She got up and grabbed his coffee. “Here you are, nice and hot. Drink up, its going to be quite a day. Lots of hugs to get that smile of yours back on your face.” Dan cracked a grin before he took a sip of coffee. “Much better. I’m going to go get some of this coffee to grumpy.”
Dan nodded. “Be careful.” He playfully warned.
Louise was terrified that they might be having a platonic break up. It looked serious. She made her way to the guest room with her breath catching. She wasn’t a fan of conflict as it was, let alone having her close friends in the middle of brawl. She knocked on the open door's frame. “Phil?”
He looked up from his phone. “Hey Louise! Sorry, I got distracted.” His face lit up as she handed him the coffee. “Thank you so much. That's so sweet of you.”
“Are you sure you were distracted and not just avoiding Dan?” She asked with a knowing tone.
He pouted with defeat and took a mouthful of the coffee. She raised her eyebrows as a silent encouragement. He sighed softly. “He’s worrying me and won’t let me in. At all. I don't know what to do. He woke me at 6AM screaming ‘I’m sorry!’ to his fantasized situation that he got lost in. I told him to talk to you or someone at this party and he was like ‘I’ll try’ but not a serious ‘I’ll try’ it was one of his bullshit ‘I’ll try’s’ and I just don’t know what to do at this point. He won’t get professional help and he won’t come clean about anything so I can’t do anything. I hate that I can’t do anything.”
She knew Phil had to have a reason for getting worked up enough to take coffee away from Dan. “He didn’t sleep at all?” Phil shook his head. “Naptime for him then, i can't have him cranky. I’m going to take away his coffee and put him down in here. Come on.” She took his hand. “We’ll talk more after he’s sleeping.”
Dan was sitting with his coffee, staring at the steam rising from mug. As he heard them approach he looked up at Phil, then turned to Louise. “Is this an intervention?”
“Not yet.” Louise said taking his coffee from his hands and replaced it with a glass of water filled a quarter of the way and grabbing a bottle of pills from the cabinet above the refrigerator. “This is melatonin.” She said shaking out two pills. “Completely natural. It will make you sleepy so you can get some needed rest. We won’t wake you. Just come out to the gathering when you wake up, okay?”
Dan looked at the tiny pills as he took one from her hand and glanced up. “You’re drugging me?”
“When was the last time you slept more than 4 hours?” Louise raised an eyebrow knowingly.
“I used to sleep 14 hours.” He said with a touch of humor. No one laughed. He took the pill and asked: “How long does it take to work?”
“It takes me 15 minutes but it depends on your tolerance.” She shrugged.
“Get some sleep, Dan.” Phil said gently. “It should help.”
Dan stared into his blue eyes. He felt a wave over his body and blinked his eyes wide to focus them. The world was beginning to feel a bit warmer. All he could think of was blue. He couldn’t stop staring. He remembered Phil’s eyes heavy with lust like an ocean that day in Manchester. It was amazing how different the same eyes could look. Phil's eyes were like rain right now. He wished they still looked like an ocean, or a pool. Anything but this rain that brought him down in a daze of stress. The waves of the world were rocking him and all he wanted was Phil’s eyes to not be rain. “I wish your eyes were still an ocean.” Dan’s eyelids were heavier and the blinking wasn’t helping focus him as much as it did before. He leaned forward and started to fall completely.
Phil caught him before he fell off the chair. “Dan?” His eyebrows pushed together in concern as he heard the boy’s breathing even out. Phil picked him up and turned towards Louise. “That wasn’t even 5 minutes!”
“Maybe he was already tired? I dont know! Oh no! It it because I’m larger than he is? I figured he’s as tall as I am wide, so it should work the same. Um, it’s all natural he should be fine. It’s the same thing our brain already produces so it’ll be okay. We’ll check on him.” She tried to reassure herself as well as Phil. “He’s fine.”
Phil carried him to the guest room and laid him on the bed. Louise grabbed a blanket to throw over him.
--
It was hours later when Dan felt a small body climbing on him. He opened his eyes to see a little lady with blonde mess of curls dressed in a party dress. “Good morning!” She greeted.
“Good morning, Darcy.” Dan sleepily grinned as he sat up.
“Why were you sleeping?” She giggled.
“I stayed up too late, your mummy sent me to bed.”
“Why were you up so late?”
He tried to keep a smile as he remembered the events of this morning but it was difficult. “I was a little crazy.” He put it simply and tickling her for emphasis.
She fell into a fit of giggles, flailing around. Her laugh was contagious and he started to join in. He stopped tickling but they both lay there for a moment giggling together.
He felt his hair and noted the curls, remembering then that he never straightened it this morning. He got up and opened his bag to get his straightener. Everything spilled out of his bag as he grabbed it because of course it was at the bottom. He plugged it in and grabbed the stuff that was now on the floor surrounding their bags and shoved it back in. He looked in the mirror on the wall and saw the disaster his hobbit-like hair was.
He looked back at her. Her curls were perfect, credit to Louise no doubt. They were pinned back with a clip that matched her pink and white dress with matching stockings with little shoes. She had calmed down from laughing a bit he turned back to the mirror but glanced at her reflection and asked: “Darcy, do you like your party dress?”
He started to take the straightener to his hair, pulling it through the mess.
“Ya.” She replied, noticing a frilly decorative pillow and crawled over to it on the bed and played with it.
“Thats good.” He was quiet as he decided he was finished with his hair. It was still a mess, but it would have to do. It was a lot easier to half-ass it now that his hair was shorter.
He turned back to Darcy, figuring she sort of counted as ‘someone at the party’ to talk to about his problems. “I knew a little girl about your age once that didn’t like dresses or flowers.” He informed her as he sat next to her on the bed. “It made her sad.”
“Why?” She asked.
“Every other girl her age liked dresses and flowers. She thought she was supposed to like them too.” She looked away from the pillow in her hands and made eye contact with him. Her eyes were mesmerizing, large and pale green with lashes like lace. “Everyone said: Rebecca, it’s weird that you don’t like girl stuff.” He wagged his finger as if he were scolding her. “She liked some kind-of-girly things like Winnie the Pooh and stuffed animals but as she grew up she realized that maybe she wasn’t a girl at all. She was actually a boy.”
“A boy?” Darcy said in surprise.
“Yeah!” He nodded. “She was actually a boy! Everyone had made a mistake.” he laughed. “When he told everybody, some people didn’t believe him because doctors don’t usually make mistakes. He thought maybe it was because he didn’t look that much like a boy but then he took medicine and now he’s all grown up and looks like a boy. He’s really happy because he has friends. They know he’s a boy and love him for being himself.”
“Yay!” She cheered.
“But then he fell in love. He loves that person so much he wants to tell the person that people used to think he was a girl. He’s so afraid that they will also think that the doctor wasn’t wrong. He’s scared that they will won’t love him back anymore and they’ll leave.”
“No they won’t. Mummy said love lasts forever.” Darcy kissed Dan on the cheek.
Dan pulled her into a hug and tickled her again. She screeched a laugh and he laughed as well. “Let’s go see everyone at the party.” Phil was right, talking about it definitely helped him relax a bit.
Dan opened the door and heard music playing, not loudly though, as he could still hear the chatter of the crowd. On his walk towards the gathering Darcy was snatched up by Caspar Lee. “There you are, miss. I thought I lost you. I was so lonely I thought,” He exaggeratedly pretended to cry. “I thought you’d run away and left me!” He ‘sobbed’.
“No!” She laughed trying to squirm out of his grip.
“No?” He asked. “Did he kidnap you?” He gestured to Dan. “I knew he couldn’t be trusted with his... funny hair.” He shook his head in mock disgust. “You go find your mum while I have a talk with him!” She scurried off. “Hey, Dan.” He chuckled. “I thought it was strange that Phil came without you! Where were you?”
“Sleeping, actually.” He smiled bashfully then gestured to the direction Darcy ran. “She just woke me. What time is it?”
Footsteps approached Dan from behind. “11PM, the 8th of January in the year 2047. You’ve been asleep for 32 years!” The person behind him spoke in an ominous voice. Dan turned to see Joe Sugg “That was a robot clone of Darcy made in 2024.”
“Shut up, Joe.” Caspar scoffed. “Don’t scare him!”
“All right, all right. It’s only 6:30PM,” Joe laughed. “Good to see you! I’d catch up but we’ve got to get back in there if we want to actually film anything while the whole crowd is here. PJ has somewhere to be tomorrow and wants to leave at 8.”
Dan followed them in. There were way more people than he expected. “Dan!” Louise walked over carrying Darcy, “How are you feeling?” She struggled to keep the squirming girl in her arms. “Oh, love, you’re getting too big for this.”
“Pretty good actually. Had a long talk with a good friend of mine about my feelings.” He took Darcy, “She helped a lot. She’s a very good listener, aren’t you Darcy?”
“Thanks.” She said ironically not paying much attention at all.
Louise smiled. “Well I’m glad you talked about it anyway.” She was a tad frustrated the one person he told was the child who most likely wouldn't remember.
“Yeah,” He smiled back and placed Darcy down. “Where’s the food? I’m starving.”
“Over there on the table. There’s sandwiches, cheese, and crackers and there’s some soda there as well.” She gestured towards the pink tablecloth. “Let me know if you need anything, Dan. Really, anything.”
“Yes, Mum.” He teased before walking off.
“Darcy, Mummy needs you. Come here, let’s go get Phil, yeah?”
“Phil!” She harshly whispered and gestured him over.
“Yeah?” He asked. “Is everything alright?”
“Yes, Dan woke up.”
“Oh?” He stood tall looking around before she tugged him down. “What?”
“He spoke about his problems to Darcy.” She gestured to the little girl who was eyeing the dessert table.
Phil sighed with frustration. “Of course he would.” He glanced down at her. “Does she know anything?”
“I figured we might find a quiet place to ask her.”
They brought her back to her room and sat her down. “Darcy, honey, we have some questions.”
“Ya?” She ran about and found some of her dolls.
“Darcy, this is important.” Louise stressed. “Do you remember what Dan said to you earlier?”
“Ya.” She handed Phil a doll.
“What did he say?” Phil asked.
“Um… The doctor was wrong. Rebecca’s friends were…” She played with a doll in her hands, her face scrunched in concentration. “They didn’t like him. But his medicine helped him. His friends…” She trailed off.
Phil raised an eyebrow and looked at Louise who pressed on. “Darcy, is this what Dan told you?”
“Uh, ya!” She nodded. “Then he was in love but he was scared. But...” She was distracted again and handed her doll to Louise with a huge smile. “Look at her hair, Mummy!”
“Darcy, who is Rebecca?” Phil asked.
“Rebecca?” She asked.
Phil sighed and walked out of the room. He’d have to try and ask Dan himself. “Phil!” Louise went after him. “Phil, calm down. You can’t talk to him. You have to calm down.”
“I can’t!” His hands twitched with stress. “I can’t sit here anymore. I need him to tell me so I can help! I don’t like breaking his trust. I don’t like going behind his back. With every bone in my body I hate snooping! I know whats going on with him, Louise.” He confessed in a rage. “It kills me that I know. I don’t want to approach him about it because he’ll be furious that I knew all this time and played dumb.”
“You already know? Then why are we interrogating my daughter?” She asked, annoyed.
He took a deep breath to calm himself. “I wanted to see if it was true that he spoke to her. And truth be told I have no idea what she was talking about. She might have been telling bits and pieces but that might have just been me blinded by what I looking for.”
“Oh.” She walked back to the party with Phil hoping he’d tell her what it was, but knowing she shouldn’t ask.
Louise couldn’t help thinking of the last piece that Darcy said about him being in love and being scared. She walked up to Dan. “Hey Dan!” She smiled. “Can we talk?”
“Um,” he glanced back at PJ who he’d been speaking with.
“It’s fine, I need to head out anyway. It was great seeing you.” PJ leaned in and hugged Dan. “We need to film together again soon.”
“We do,” Dan hugged him back.
He followed Louise back to the room. They sat on the bed. “Darcy told me what you said.”
His face paled. The room was spinning. How much could that girl remember? He was dizzy and thought he might throw up. “What did she say?”
“She said you were in love and you were scared?” Louise said gently. “Is that true? Dan, are you in love with Phil?”
He laughed. “Oh, you scared me.” He shook his head at stupid he was to have been so scared. “I am, yeah. That’s not what’s keeping me up at night. Phil knows that.”
Louise was beyond confused at this point. “Are you two a couple?”
“No, we can’t be. I can’t risk losing him as a best friend.” Dan shrugged as he stood up. “Did Darcy say anything else?”
“Something about a doctor and a Rebecca.” She laughed it off with a waved hand. “She was playing with her dolls though so I think she was distracted.” Her laugh trailed off into a sigh. “I wish you’d confided in me and not my baby.”
Dan chuckled, thanking whatever mighty creator may be listening for the toddler’s reputation for a poor attention span. “Sorry. I don’t want to think about it let alone talk about it.”
“All right.” She said. “I’m glad you’re looking better.”
For what seemed like hours Phil was avoiding Dan who felt he'd spent long enough pretending not to notice. “Phil!” Dan finally caught him at the dessert table. “Are we spending the night or going home? I’d rather us be talking if we’re spending the night.”
Phil turned to Dan, trying to stay upset but looking into his brown eyes made it so hard. He caved with a sigh. “I’d rather us be talking too. I’m going to put this out there now though: I am still mad at you." He said firmly. "I’m annoyed you chose Darcy to speak to because I wanted you to talk to someone who could possibly help." He said fidgeting with a biscuit. "I am really glad you talked about it to a human though.” He half smiled, then placed the biscuit on a napkin and looked back at Dan. “Can we hug? I miss you.”
Dan grinned and hugged him. “I miss you too.” Having Phil’s arms around him, holding him tight. It was as though Phil was trying to show him how much he cared, how much he needed him to be okay. All he wanted was for Dan to tell him what was killing him.
Dan just wanted to lay with him on the couch and let Phil play with his hair like he did before they moved in together. He wanted to just be alone with him. Dan and Phil. Two nerdy guys that didn’t need anyone else.
He looked up at Phil as their hug parted. He wanted to be with him. “Phil, can we just go home and watch something?”
“Of course.” Phil's eyes seemed to sparkle at Dan being so affectionate.
They made their rounds to say goodbye. Phil snagged their bags from the room and chuckled at Dan’s clearly half-assed attempt at shoving things in his bag. He picked up Dan’s phone charger and a pair of socks that he’d missed.
When they got back in their flat Dan sat on the couch and picked out a movie on Netflix. Phil made some hot chocolate and Dan finished his before the movie was a quarter in. He snuggled up to Phil. “Do you mind?” He asked.
“Not at all.” Phil smiled, happy Dan wanted to lay on him like old times. He felt butterflies in his stomach at the nostalgia. His hands ran through Dan’s curls that had freed themselves of the straightner’s mold.
The movie was almost over when he felt the younger slip into unconsciousness. He looked so peaceful. He snapped a photo, angling it so that his followers hopefully wouldn’t notice his pillow was Phil’s lap.
@amazingphil: I guess @danisnotonfire isn’t as interested in Hercules as I was :( He didnt #GoTheDistance
Phil hesitated to wake Dan but he had to pee. He shook his shoulder lightly. Dan groaned in protest rolling over and snuggling into the older’s stomach. His heart nearly burst. “Dan, I have to wee.” He giggled, shaking him again.
He groaned again and sat up, droopy-eyed. He grabbed a pillow and brought it close as Phil got up. “Go to bed, Dan.” Phil kissed the top of Dan’s head without thinking. It wasn’t weird in 2011, but he realized immediately after he’d done it that it was 2015. He wasn’t supposed to kiss Dan anymore. Not even on the forehead.
He hated why. He hated that Dan thought his genitals meant that much to Phil. He hated that Dan thought it mattered enough to keep it hidden from him forever. He hated that Dan didn’t know he knew. Most of all, he hated that they were both keeping secrets from each other.
Dan stumbled his way into his bedroom and lay down on his bed. His stomach fluttering from the kiss. He missed that. He’d missed cuddling Phil. Everything was perfect with Phil. Nothing mattered when he was cuddling with Phil. Not even…
He remembered in that moment that he needed to take his pills.
He saw his bag at his desk and opened it, noticing it was still a disaster from earlier. He took everything out, it wasn’t next to his underwear anymore, probably from the straightener destroying any order the bag had.
He started to panic when his bag was empty. He unrolled and opened everything that could be remotely able to conceal a bottle of pills. “Phil!” He yelled. “Phil!!” He called a second time. Phil came to the door.
“Everything okay?” He noticed the panic on Dan’s face. “What’s wrong?”
“Um, was anything else on the floor at Louise’s? I know I made a mess with the straightener….”
“I thought I grabbed everything. You made a mess though, so something could have fallen under the vanity or rolled under the bed.” He frowned. “What’s missing?”
“Um, my aspirin.” Dan lied.
“Oh, I didn’t notice any. We have some in the bathroom. Do you need it?”
“No, I just…” He hesitated as he thought. “I’m worried about Darcy getting into it.” He lied.
“Text Louise?” He suggested.
Dan nodded. “Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks.” He smiled.
Phil went to head down the hall but he paused. He leaned back into the doorframe and turned to the brunette. “About before, when I--”
“It’s fine,” Dan nodded without glancing up as he pulled out his phone. “Don’t worry about it.” He noticed he already had a text.
Louise: I found something of yours. We need to talk. Come over tomorrow please.
Dan: I need it now. Im on my way.
“She found it. I need to get it.” Dan said running past Phil and grabbing his shoes.
“Dan, it’s almost 2AM!” Phil protested. “You’re not going anywhere. She’s probably sleeping. It’s just aspirin!”
“I need it!” He yelled, tears threatening to fall. “You don’t understand!”
“I’m coming with you, then.” Phil grabbed his shoes as well.
As his dark haired roommate tied his laces Dan felt his throat closing. The anxiety bubbled in his stomach as the raining eyes met his, jacket in hand. Dan’s heart was racing and he was stuttering out: “You can’t!” before he could even think of a reason as to why not.
Phil hesitated before speaking, then decided to go for it anyway. “Dan, you’re freaking me out.”
“Stay here. Please don’t come.” The frantic brunet asserted, nearly begging.
“Can I come with you and just wait outside, then?” He attempted to compromise. “I’m not comfortable letting you out like this.”
“Fine.”
The cab was there in 15 minutes. They sat in silence as he panicked inside. He was holding his breath to ward off the anxiety attack. His phone buzzed.
Louise: I’ll be waiting.
It killed him that he had this fucking secret. He couldn’t tell Phil he was transgender. He hadn’t told any friend since he was 8 years old. He never needed to. His parents were so understanding when he eventually came out, saying they’d known for a while. His mother said //Of course I hoped it wasn’t true, but I always knew, Bear. I always knew you were my son.//
They let him pick his first boy haircut. He was put on hormone blockers when he was 14. He started testosterone injections a little while later but he was never good at injecting himself without help, so before he went away to university they transitioned him over to pills instead.
Around then is when he met Phil who he dreamed of being with. He prayed for moments like earlier where he was just near Phil. Where Phil would hold him for years, play with his hair and kiss his forehead. He loved feeling like they were proper lovers.
He wished they could be.
But he couldn’t risk it. He didn’t want his heart shattered. It was too late to tell him. Now Louise knew and everything was in jeopardy.
The arrival at her house came too soon.
Dan: Im outside.
She opened her door a moment after the text was sent. “Phil?”
“I didn’t want him traveling alone. As a compromise, I promised to wait outside.” He informed her. “Don’t let me get frostbite, Dan.”
Dan nodded. “I wont be long.” He walked inside, closing the door behind him. “Louise.”
Louise sat down and gestured for him to join her. He shook his head and she sighed. “Dan, I found your testosterone pills. Are you--”
“I’m transgender,” he blurted out, unable to hold it in any longer. It felt as though he’d literally dropped a bomb. The ground beneath his feet felt unsteady and the room was buzzing white noise and poor Louise looked as though her world was flipped upside down.
“What?!” Her jaw dropped. “Really?” She looked horrified, but intrigued.
His brain fuzzed. She didn’t know and he just outed himself. The biggest question on his mind fell out of his mouth: “What did you think they were for?”
“I thought they were steroids! I thought you might be trying to use it to cheat on your runs. I was going to give you a speech about how you didn’t need it. You’re really transgender?”
“Oh my god I can’t believe I didn’t need to tell you!” Dan paced back and forth. “I just outed myself to you.”
“I have so many rude questions going through my mind right now.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what to say…”
"Well then," Dan took a deep breath. “Since Darcy knows, I might as well tell you. I was born Rebecca Jane Howell. I came out at 8 years old, I was put on blockers that stopped my estrogen. I eventually started testosterone and now pass enough that I don’t need to tell anyone.” She handed him his pills and he immediately took one dry.
“Phil doesn’t know?” She asked softly.
“No.” Dan shook his head. “Thats why we can’t be together. He can’t know. I don’t want him to freak out and kick me out of the flat and never speak to me again.” He started he shook his head to fight off tears. This subject made him feel so exposed he couldn't really handle it. “I want to be with him, I really do… but I can’t stand the idea of his eyes looking at me differently.”
She stood up and wrapped her arms around him. “Dan don’t be stupid. He’s so in love with you. Nothing is going to change that. You could have a tail and he’d probably put a sticker on it and kiss it.”
Dan hugged her tightly, then pulled away. “Don’t get my hopes up, Louise. I’ve been negatively surprised by people before.”
“You’re still Dan.” Louise smiled. “I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit.”
“Maybe.” His heart swelled at the support, but there was no way he’d change his mind.
“Don’t let him freeze out there, love.” She led him to the door. “I need to sleep or I’ll look positively awful tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Louise. I’m lucky to have you.” He stepped outside and saw Phil smiling hopefully at him.
“You alright?” Phil asked, snowflakes in his hair.
“Yeah, sorry.” Dan tried to return the smile.
As they made their way back to the impatient cab, Phil watched Dan. Dan’s posture was like a cat’s tail. It stood tall when it was happy, it rested low when it was upset, it shook when it was angry or annoyed. Dan seemed to drag across the ground, Phil noticed. It was like weight of the world was crushing him. It hurt to watch.
This ride seemed longer for them, the silence was thick. Dan pulled his phone out to occupy himself when Phil leaned his head on his shoulder. “I wish you trusted me,” he mumbled into Dan’s jacket. He stuck his phone back in his pocket, but he didn’t answer.
Dan didn’t say anything at all since Louise’s and retreated to his room when they arrived at home. Phil made hot chocolate and brought it to Dan’s room. He knocked, but there was no answer. Dan’s clothes were in a pile on the floor and he was fast asleep, snoring a little.
He walked closer and stood next to Dan’s bed. “I know.” He whispered. “I love you and I know what’s hurting you. It’s silly. How could you think that this could ever bother me?” Dan snuggled tighter into his covers mumbling nonsense.
Phil smiled sadly. “I wish I was brave enough tell you while you were awake.”
He went back to the kitchen and poured it down the drain.
The next morning killed Louise. She went and watched Dan’s earlier video’s and noticed the more feminine shape to his face. She just saw the bits and pieces of his transition progress as he masculinized with each Philisnotonfire video. She started to do some research on it and ended up on a ton of trans YouTube channels like ALionsFears and Ty Turner and ended up spending nearly the entire day watching them.
Around 3PM, Louise picked up her phone and texted Phil.
Phil sat on the couch as he felt his phone buzz with a Mario-coin noise.
Louise: We need to talk about it.
Phil: What?
Louise: He told me whats going on with him.
Phil: Oh? I’m going to be running errands in a bit alone. Meet for coffee?
Dan was on his way back from the bathroom when he heard it and tried to sneak a peek over to see Phil’s phone. “Who’s texting you?”
“Louise.” Phil hid his phone under the couch cushion and their eyes met.
Dan grabbed for the phone and Phil pulled him onto his lap and dug his fingers into him. Dan screeched as the blue eyed boy tickled up and down from his armpits to his sides and belly. “Phil! Phil!!” He cried out between laughs. Phil stopped tickling and pulled him into him in a strangely positioned embrace.
“I love your laugh.” Phil said softly, his heart beating faster after getting worked up from not only the tickling but the pride. He was so proud of Dan for finally telling someone. “Now get off before I do it again.” He rolled Dan off him and onto the floor where Dan yelped. He snatched up his phone and head to the coat rack. “What do you want for dinner?”
Dan grumbled. “Don’t mind me, I’m okay.” He lifted himself up off the floor. “I’m dying for some chinese right now, though." He really didn't want Phil out of his sight knowing he’d been talking to Louise. He dreaded the thought of him returning and saying they 'need to talk' which ends in Phil leaving forever. "We could just order in?” He suggested.
“I need to get some socks and underwear as well. I’ll be back in an hour. It’s fine," he smiled. "I’ll bring it on the way back. I have my phone on me," he wiggled his phone as he opened the door. "Text me your order.”
Phil made his way down the stairs and through the door. He browsed through the shop to pick up some socks and underwear. Regardless of what Louise had texted, he wasn’t so sure he’d confessed the truth to her. Maybe he said something else convincing? It was entirely possible he might have lied to her and just convinced her of something else. Dan was smooth and Louise... She was gullible. Maybe he said he was a vampire or that he had a parasite eating an organ that left him with 47 days to live.
He continued to wander around waiting for Louise to text that she was nearly at Starbucks so he could stop worrying. He loved Dan so much. He wanted Dan to have someone he could trust and confide in because no one should have go go through this alone.
Louise: Forgot to text you but I’m here waiting by the window. Sorry!
He made his way to the checkout. By the register there were overpriced animal shaped erasers and one pack included a llama. He snatched it up and placed it on the counter. “And this, please.”
He walked to the Starbucks down the block. He opened the eraser pack and pulled out the llama and held it in his hand. He kept it in his pocket and pet it with his thumb as he walked. He opened the door and felt the heat hit him and the smell of coffee surrounded him. He took off his hat and saw Louise seated with her drink. He gave a wave and ordered his drink while fidgeting with the llama eraser in his other hand.
He got his drink and sat down across from her. He pulled the eraser out of his pocket as he took off his jacket. “Is that a llama?” Louise gasped. “That’s adorable, oh my god!”
He nodded, picking it back up with his free hand, other around his mug as his nerves ticked. What would she say Dan said? Was he still lying or did he truly confess? He needed to know. “So,” He met her eyes and hoped for the best. “What did he say?”
Louise flustered at his serious tone. It wasn't often that Phil looked his age, but when he did look and sound like a proper adult, it caught everyone off guard and she was no exception. “Well, um,” she looked around before she leant in and whispered: “Do you know what ‘transgender’ means?”
The word transgender hit him like a brick and Phil’s face lit up with pure joy. “He told you! Oh my god!” His heart pounded in his chest with shock and pride. Part of him was sad that he wasn't who Dan told, but mostly he was ecstatic that Dan finally told someone. “How did he do it? How did he tell you?” Phil asked while eagerly leaning in.
Louise was taken aback by how excited Phil was. She put her hand on the table to steady it. “Oh! Um, he left his testosterone pills at my house.” She took a sip of her drink. “I thought they were steroids and went to confront him about it. You remember, don’t you? When you and him stopped by my house in the middle of the night?” Phil nodded. “Well he came over and I planned to ask him why he was on steroids. He needs to work out, yeah, but steroids just aren't healthy, you know? So anyway he walks in and he blurts out ‘I’m transgender’ and then tells me he was born Rebecca Jane Howell and that he doesn't want you to look at him differently because of it. He is in love with you and thinks it will change things if you found out. You need to tell him, Phil,” she frowned. “It’s killing him.”
Phil looked down at his drink, his eyes tracing the steam. “I know.”
-----
Back at the house Dan paced the room eyes making their way back to the clock every minute or so. “She’s going to tell him. He’s meeting her I know he is and she is going to tell him.” He mumbled. He looked down the hall at his bedroom and stopped pacing. He walked up to his door and stepped inside. He looked around the room. His camera was set up for when he finally decided to record his video and his strange little lamps were left on from earlier.
He turned on the lights and the mic and hit record on the camera. He sat down in his chair and looked up at the lens. “Hello internet, This is going to be a sad one. Kind of. It’s unscripted so we’ll just see how it goes.”
He spun in his chair and sighed. Leaving the camera on, he got up and walked around his room. He didn’t normally need this much warm-up time. Once he was in front of the camera it was usually a breeze to record. Getting the inspiration, motivation and the hours of editing were what made it take so long. This was the easy part.
He sat back in his chair. “Have you ever hated yourself so much that every single piece of you felt foreign? Like,” he raised his hand into shot, “this is my hand, yeah? But when I hated myself it was more like ‘I can move these fingers and it is attached to my body but I’m not sure this hand is supposed to be mine,’ kind of thing. Do you understand?” He put his hand down. “Maybe not.”
He leaned back and let out a hum. He sat up. “Okay, how about this... You know Becky right? Usually accompanied by Jessica who is all ‘Omigod Becky’ and such?” He froze. Was he really doing this? If Phil was going to drop out of his life and Dan and Phil were no longer an item then the internet would want to know why, right? His heart was about to give out. “There's more to Becky than you think, I guess. Like, not that she was intended to be deep and dramatic, I just hate her so she was an easy target.”
He saw his reflection in the lens. His hair was unruly and eyes were sunken in from all the stress. The air was tight around his neck. He took a deep breath.
“I was once known as Rebecca Jane Howell. Usually ‘Becky,’ or ‘Becca-bear’ if you were my mum, but usually ‘Bear’ to anyone that knew me since I was a baby.” He let out an awkward laugh but it trailed off into a silence.
“Anyway, I came out to my mum at 8 and by the time I was 13 they had me on blockers from my proper freak outs about puberty. Oh, um, ‘blockers’ is short for hormone blockers. They stop your body from going through puberty and transgender preteens are usually on them until the doctor says ‘Yup! Wasn’t a phase.’ and then you get the hormones for the gender you identify with…” He struggled to explain. “How about I leave a few links and vocabulary definitions below for those of you that give a damn.” He chuckled. “So back to Becky: If I were to go amateur therapist I’d say Becky is my go-to bimbo because of how much I hate myself, and Jessica? Well thats just a bitchy name, isn’t it? No offense to any real life Jessica’s I’m sure you’re all pleasant.” He laughed. “I just needed someone to put her down all the time because I couldn’t.”
Phil had arrived at the apartment a few moments ago when he heard Dan talking to the camera. Again, he hated snooping but he couldn’t bring himself to interrupt just yet.
“I’m making this video because Phil knows, and I don’t know if he’s okay with it. I want you guys to know in case we have a falling out because when you lie to someone for years that tends to happen.” He chuckled with bitter humor. “There’s a moral, kids: Don’t lie about your genitals to someone you’ve been flirting with. Especially if you’ve decided to move in together.” His eyes started to redden and his voice had begun to shake. “Because if you love them, and they love you, and you go and break both your hearts,” He felt hot tears slide down his cheeks. “All of that love becomes a poison in your chest. And it burns every time you look at him because he loves you so much that he’s just happy being near you.” He let out a frustrated breath and wiped his tears with his sleeve. “And you know that if you were born the way you were meant to be born you could let yourself be in love. You wouldn’t pace around at 5AM imagining him finding out.”
It was there that Phil realized he was crying too. He opened his mouth to breathe because a sniffle would give it all away and Dan wasn’t finished.
“In that horrible fantasy he looks at you and says ‘We can still be friends,’ but it changes things. He looks at you and he knows. He looks at you and imagines what you might look like with long hair, wider hips. He looks at you and wonders if you’d still be attractive if you were still Rebecca.” Dan let out a sob. “And you just want to tell him,” his voice got higher and he held in another sob, “‘I never was.’”
Phil let out a cough and wiped his cheeks. Dan whipped his head around and opened his mouth to speak but Phil interrupted. “Do you want to do this on camera, or would you rather it be private? I’m fine either way, I just need to know if I should get a chair.”
“Camera.” Dan uttered.
Phil nodded and grabbed a chair, going over how he should word his little speech. He brought the chair in and placed it down, staring at the side to make sure he was in shot.
He turned to Dan. “You’re not the only one who’s kept a secret so long that it is considered lying.” His blue eyes rested on Dan’s panicked brown ones. “Do you remember our Manchester flat? Well we’d been living there about 3 months and I was still mulling over whether or not it was worth it to bring up our not being together being silly. If we were going to live together forever we may as well be together forever too. So I decided I would corner you in the bathroom and not leave until you agreed that we would talk about it again when you were dressed.” He saw Dan’s eyes remember what happened next and he felt sick. “So I opened the bathroom door and saw. You covered yourself with a towel really fast but I saw. I yelled ‘Sorry!’ and closed the door.” He winced as the end of the sentence.
Dan’s lips parted and Phil closed his. There was a brief moment of silence before Dan said: “You saw. Three months in and you already knew. Here I am crying and looking like a bloody moron keeping it a secret and you knew?” Dan raised his voice with a glare.
“I know, I’m sorry! I decided I’d wait to bring it up until you told me, but the next thing I knew it was Christmas and I was angry that you hadn’t said anything. But when Valentines Day came around and you hadn’t said anything I felt guilty for knowing. Then I went through phases of ‘He gets to keep a secret why can’t I?’ and ‘He’s suffering so much I should tell him I already know.’ and ‘He’ll tell me any day now.’ but it got way out of hand and you needed to talk about it to someone and I just wanted it to be me.” Phil finally said with exasperation. “How could you think I’d leave you over something so trivial?” His eyes teared.
“A lot of people would have issues with it. It’s okay to have a preference, Phil. Most people prefer a natural-born man or woman.” Dan averted his eyes. “Sex gets complicated 'cause you have to discuss it before the two of you even go steady which is painfully uncomfortable and honestly talking about sex in general is either a turn-on or a turn-off, never in-between. But if you avoid it and you lie and say or imply you’re cisgendered then: off go the pants and surprise! It’s the exact opposite of what your partner expected to play with! Now back to me and pushing aside everything else that just makes me a less-than-ideal partner, I just--”
“Dan,” Phil interrupted. “When it comes to preferences with potential partners, I prefer you.” He smiled and cupped his hand over Dan’s cheek. “You are exactly what I want."
Looking at the elder, the brunette saw Phil’s eyes were oceans again. They had a twinge of green melting in a blue seemingly meant for Dan to swim in but he was drowning in the best way. His heart was fluttering and he'd never stopped crying. Dan parted his lips. He wasn't sure if he was about to say something, let alone if he might have had a witty comment in mind. Instead he let his lips say as they pleased without thinking. "Why?"
"Why?" Phil's eyebrows pushed together with confused disbelief. "Because i love everything about you." He searched Dan's eyes for some sort of agreement. "Dan you are so loveable. I love your hair in the morning. I love your fingers that are so long you don’t know what to do with them and end up dropping everything. I love cuddling on the couch and being shoved when I start to fall asleep as you tell me how insensitive I am for dozing during 'the most powerful moment' in the entire film.” He chuckled when the brunettes dimple poked through. “I love the way you hold mugs when you use both hands. I love when I wake up to get a glass of water and see you’ve fallen asleep in your ‘blogging position’ and the dazed expression you give me when I wake you up. I love your passionate rants about what’s wrong with society. I love the face you make just after you say something horrifyingly cringe worthy. I love the way you eat. I love watching videos of us and noticing how you look at me when I can’t see. I love your laugh and your obnoxious sneeze. I lo--”
“Phil, please.” Dan shook his head, removing his hand.
Phil shook his head. “I will go on and on until you know that you are so much more to me than your gender. I love how--”
“Stop! Phil, okay, I get it!” He laughed and wiped his cheek. “I believe you. I’m sorry.”
Phil felt elated. He didn't plan to reveal he'd kept the knowledge to himself to Dan today but he's so glad he did. Everything was out in the open and they both cried. This beautiful brown eyed soul was in front of him and he was so perfect. He pulled him into the tightest hug he ever gave. “I love you so much.”
Dan hugged back with a happy chuckle. “I know. I love you too. I never stopped loving you.” He broke the hug to look at Phil. “I love you so much I thought it might kill me sometimes. I hated that the thing I hated the most about myself also kept me from you. I love you.” He smiled so big he felt it in his jaw. “I love you and I want to be with you. I want to be your boyfriend.”
Phil let out a small squeak as tears welled up again. “Dan, I--”
Dan leaned in and felt his lips touch Phil’s. The scruff had grown on the blue eyed man’s chin and it grazed against Dan’s. Phil pressed back and Dan felt it in his sides and spine. Even with all the stories and movies he’s immersed himself in he never imagined he’d feel like this. It was like closing your eyes while floating on your back in a pool. Feeling the water touching your skin in ripples, the sensation of cold on your back and the sun warming your skin. It was all of that, but inside him. He didn’t know how long the kiss lasted.
Dan pulled back and they both turned to the camera out of breath. “Are you gonna upload this?” Phil asked with a laugh.
“I’m not sure.” Dan replied. “I think we are supposed to tell our friends first.”
~~~~~~~~~
“I’m really nervous, I don’t want to fucking stand on a podium and announce it to the crowd.” Dan paced in Louise’s living room. “How am I supposed to just tell everyone. “What if they don’t react well? I think they will but what if they dont? Fucking Tyler Oakley jizzed all over the news and called me the second he finished reading the email but I think he might be a special case.” He laughed bitterly. “Or worse! What if they don’t believe me? How do I prove it? Drop my pants and-”
“Dan, these are your friends. You’re a pain but I don’t think anyone would fathom you joking about something like this.” Louise reassured him. “Just tell them.”
Dan sighed. It was pretty early in the morning. He was never going to be ready for this gathering. They invited everyone over for 5PM and coordinated the dates so everyone could make it, and if they couldn’t they’d be on stream. Tyler had actually booked a flight and Phil went to meet him at the airport.
The brown haired boy finally sat in the seat that Louise offered him an hour earlier. “I don’t want to be the spokesperson for transgender youth. I just want to continue my videos as usual. I can already see comments like ‘Oh he was too pretty to have been born a boy.’ and AU fanfiction about Rebecca and Phil. The ‘sexy endscreen dance’ is gonna pop up and everyone is going to be thinking ‘That is a vagina under those pants.’ I know its going to happen. I don’t want it to but I have to do this.”
“I hadn’t even thought of the fanfiction part. How often do you read it?” Louise asked hesitantly.
“Reading about Phil messing with my penis is great.” He barked a laugh. “I love the whole fandom to be honest. I saw this one post on tumblr about how you could apparently see my boner through my pants in one of Cat’s videos accompanied by a gifset. That was great.”
Louise went to speak when the bell rang. Dan sunk in his seat as Tyler emerged through the door Louise opened followed by Phil. “Daniel James Howell get your ass over here and hug me!” He demanded. His hair was back to its natural blond quiff and his eyes sparked with energy.
Dan stood reluctantly but a slight dimple showed he was, in fact, happy to see the American. Tyler hugged him tightly and pulled back with a happy sigh. “I am so happy for you. And for both of you! Phan in the house! Holla!” He cheered and swayed his hips. “Seriously though, you have got to tell me everything, and I NEED to see the video.”
“That’s an idea.” Phil interjected. “Dan, instead of coming out verbally why don’t we just show them the video?”
Dan thought about it for a moment. “Well, I guess I say everything I need to say there. But I need to edit out the hours of me sighing first.”
“You have the file on the cloud right?” Phil asked. “If not I have cab money, I’d just have to call them now.”
“No, its on the cloud. Let’s do it.”
--
Dan, Phil, and Tyler circled around the computer as they finished watching it through. “You gotta add something at the end. Like ‘This isn’t gonna change my channel, but if you want more info then I got some links below,’ or ‘I’m still Dan, Phan is real,’ or ‘For more queer youtubers check out my friend Tyler Oakley.’”
Dan snorted. “All right, all right.” He pulled out his phone and handed it to Phil. “Can you wedge this on something or hold it steady?”
“Yeah, I’ll keep my elbows on the table here.” He opened the camera app and switched to video with a swipe. “Ready.” The phone made a ‘ding!’ as the recording started.
“Hello internet, its been almost 4 days since I filmed that. I’m at the lovely Louise’s house for a gathering held in my honor. We’re still waiting for them to arrive. I must say this has got to be record timing for a group of YouTubers to gather in one place.
“Anyway, this video is going to be shown in front of them and I want to say, thank you all so much for your support and if you are a transphobic ass then please escort yourselves to the curb if you haven’t already.”
“Cause that’s where the trash goes!” Tyler said with enthusiasm off camera.
“Get over here, Tyler and make yourself useful by listing off some LGBT resources for my viewers.”
Tyler laughed. “Aw bae,” He sat down. “I thought you’d never ask. Hello everybody! I’d like to say I’d like to say that Dan is a beautiful fucking human, always has been, and with that face always will be. I needed a reminder on how fucking perfect he is and when he emailed me I was like ‘I gotta call this bitch and find myself a plane and get the fuck over to him because,’” he turned to Dan, “you are so amazing. Anywho, if you, like my friend over here, need some support…”
Dan fell into a daze as the whole thing started to hit him again. This was going to impact a large group of people. There were probably trans teens watching him that he’d never even thought of before.
They were nearly done when Louise ran into the room. “I got a text, the carpool just scooped up Carrie from her show. They’ll be arriving in the next hour.”
“We’re nearly done. Just adding some information in the bar below.” Dan replied.
“Do you have a chromecast or smart TV?” Tyler asked Louise. “I should have asked sooner. I have one in my suitcase I think...” He trailed off.
“I have a smart TV in the bedroom. Can you help me move it?” She replied motioning towards the hall. “Its this way.” She led him out of the room.
Phil placed his hand on Dan’s. “You don’t have to come out if you dont want to, Dan.”
Dan looked at Phil. His eyes were a pond, gentle ripples of comfort touching at the muddy shore. “How? Everyone’s coming.” His lips pressed in a firm line. “I need to tell them.”
“We could just tell them we’re together.” He suggested. “Thats news, right?”
Dan laughed. “Attention everyone! Phil and I had sex!” He joked.
Phil covered his face with a blush that reached his ears. “You jerk!” He laughed and Dan joined in. Dan felt bubbles of joy popping in his stomach. All of the stress popping into nothing but air. Sometimes Phil was all he needed to feel better. He leaned into Phil who wrapped his arms around him. They sat like that for a moment and Phil kissed his forehead. “You’re sure you want to do this?”
“Yeah, I want to. I’m scared shitless, but I need to do this.”
An hour later the house was buzzing and everyone wanted to know what was going on. The livestream was set and the video was ready to play as soon as Dan gave the ok.
He stood in front of the room with Phil close behind. “Friends! “ He started with an awkward smile. “I’m happy to announce that Phil and I are officially a couple.”
The small crowd clapped with a chorus of “finally’s,” and “congrats,” and “You weren’t official yet?’s” before Dan shushed them.
“That’s not the main reason we’re here though.” He paused. “I, um. I made a video and decided you guys should see it first so you don’t hear it through the grapevine and murder me for not telling you first.” His mouth was dry and his palms and legs were shaking. The crowd was blurring. “I, um. W-Well... Let’s just play it before I collapse from a-anxiety.”
He rushed off the stage.
The crowd was silent through the beginning until:
//“I was once known as Rebecca Jane Howell. Usually ‘Becky,’ or ‘Becca-bear’ if you were my mum, but usually ‘Bear’ to anyone that knew me since I was a baby.”//
There was a soft but audible gasp. All eyes turned to Dan. He closed his eyes to not see them. The video brought their attention back. It was, undoubtedly, the most exposed Dan ever felt in his entire life. Phil took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “You’re okay.” He whispered.
Dan saw himself crying on the screen and it felt surreal. Everyone was engrossed in this video. He turned to the streams feed and chuckled. He saw Cat's messages when Phil asked:
//“Do you want to do this on camera?”//
Catrific: fucking better
Catrific: thank god.
He chuckled, then typed.
Danisnotonfire [mod]: the room is SILENT
Danisnotonfire [mod]: i am actually dying.
Danisnotonfire [mod]: HELP.
Troyesivan18: it should comfort you then that my sobbing is disgustingly loud.
Troyesivan18: are you sure you cant hear it?
Catrific: I PREFER YOU
Catrific: KILL ME
Catrific: TATTOO IT ON MY FACE
Catrific: ASDFYGUTFDRNYHJ GVYFHBXD FVKDTJCFJH
Troyesivan18: that hurt me in the best way.
Troyesivan18: that will be on every gifset for the next few hundred years.
He looked up and saw Carrie crying and noticed Louise was as well. The quality changed and it turned to him from a couple hours earlier with Tyler. Everyone started chuckling but still looked emotionally wrecked from earlier.
The video came to an end and Phil stood up and reached out to take Dan’s hand. They approached the front of the room and Dan’s heart was beating in his chest. Tyler was uploading it to Dan’s YouTube as it played so it should by live by now. He was looking at all of his friends and he wanted to say: ‘Well, I’m glad none of you left.’ or ‘Wasnt that a fun journey?’ or something clever like that but all he did was stand like a deer in the headlights thinking of what they might be thinking.
“Its officially live.” Tyler stood up, his voice like lightning sparking the room to life. “Everybody, get your phones out. Tweet: #IPreferDan and if it isn’t trending in an hour I will cut a bitch.”
Everyone started typing immediately. Carrie stood up and walked over to Dan. “Can I just hug you?” Her voice was shaking, her eyes bloodshot from tears.
“Of course,” Dan laughed and wrapped his arms around her.
Next thing he knew everyone in the room was hugging him. It was a blissful blur of support and love. He felt awful for even fathoming that they would turn away from him.
When he got home he sat on his laptop and looked at the tweets some of his friends had written.
@SprinkleofGlitr: One of my close friends and he will always stay that way. #IPreferDan
@Caspar_Lee: Please join me in celebration of my friend @danisnotonfire coming out. #IPreferDan
@CarrieHFletcher: I just bawled my eyes out and haven’t stopped. I love you @danisnotonfire you are such a beautiful person. #IPreferDan
@tyleroakley: So honored and privileged to be a friend of @danisnotonfire. Y’all better watch this and RT #IPreferDan [link]
He smiled and Phil snuggled up next to him. “They stole my line.” He teased.
“You bloody hipster.” Dan playfully shoved him with his shoulder. “No, Tyler definitely stole it and made it a thing.” There was a comfortable silence before he said: “There is so much support that I actually haven’t found any hate in the youtube comments. Unless you count the people who think its a prank.”
“Tweet then.” Phil suggested. “Confirm it.”
Dan clicked his twitter tag.
@danisnotonfire: for those wondering: its not a prank. Phil and I are together now. I am transgender.
He struggled typing the last word before sending it. His lips parted with a small gasp as a flood of replies swarmed his notifications all ending in #IPreferDan. He placed his hands over the keyboard once more.
@danisnotonfire: i am literally astounded by the support. you guys are amazing.
@danisnotonfire: thank you #IPreferDan
That night at 1AM he took his pill and walked into Phil’s room. He climbed under the covers and snuggled into the pillow. Phil came out of the bathroom and walked into his room. “Dan?” He chuckled. “That’s my bed.”
“Your bed prefers Dan.” Dan teased with his face nuzzling the pillow.
“Do you really want to play this game?” Phil laughed. “Cause I’m going to win.”
Dan sat up with his arms in a karate chop stance. “Bring it.”
Phil launched onto the bed with his fingers aimed straight at Dan’s ribcage. His digits landing firmly on the brunette’s sides playing his ribs like piano keys. Dan shrieked and tried to worm his way off the bed but Phil tugged him closer and attacked Dans armpits until he was a giggling mess.
“I give! Uncle! Stop!” Dan cried and the attack ceased. “Thank you.” He gasped turning to look at the blue oceans that leaned in and kissed him.
“I love you,” Phil whispered pulling him close as he lay down. As Dan lay there as a little spoon to the man he wasted 4 years not letting himself love, he thought back to his old horrible fantasy and laughed. Darcy was right, Phil still loves him. Love lasts forever.