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“Sire,” Simon said, after he had finished that morning’s ImpSec briefing, “Why did you not trust me with the truth in regards to your descent from that balcony on Komarr?”
As the opening to an interrogation, it was calculated to catch Gregor off guard and manipulate his emotions. It was also the question Simon most desperately wanted to ask.
Gregor froze, visibly rearranged himself into guardedness.
“Cordelia told you, then,” he said, with an odd, defeated anger.
“No,” Simon said, “Ivan.”
Gregor blinked, “I haven’t spoken to Ivan at all.”
“No, but Miles did. Miles didn’t betray your confidence either,” Simon reassured, “He is only guilty of possessing rather substandard skills in dissembling. That, and Ivan knows him. And you.”
“So it seems,” Gregor said, then took a deep breath and, with the air of someone plunging into deep, cold water said, “For the sake of clarity, we are discussing my attempted suicide, yes?”
“Yes,” Simon said. It hurt to hear it plainly like that, absolute confirmation. But he refused to flinch. “You’ve talked to Cordelia?” That at least, was a comfort. As was the fact that Miles had known to begin with. There were still some people Gregor trusted, a better state of things than four years ago.
“Yes, we had rather a long conversation.”
“Good. That’s good,” Simon said, “But to return to my question, why did you lie to me?”
Gregor did flinch at that. It was well known that lying to the Chief of ImpSec was inadvisable in the extreme, and more personally, Gregor knew how much Simon valued the truth.
“I didn’t suppose it was any of your business,” Gregor said, and then perhaps more honestly, “I wanted you to trust my judgement.”
There was something terribly vulnerable in Gregor’s eyes, looking up at him.
“I see,” Simon said, and then, “May I take a seat?”
This was no longer a briefing, after all. It called for a more intimate and casual attitude.
“Feel free,” Gregor said.
Simon sat down, yielding the advantage of height back to his emperor, and contemplated how to proceed.
“I have already given you my apology,” Simon said.
“Do you revoke it? It was made on false pretenses.”
“Of course not,” said Simon, “You are my Emperor. ImpSec’s purpose is to serve the Emperor, and obey him. I have failed in this duty, rather more comprehensively than I had realized. I do trust your judgement, sire. If you value your own life less than you should, you would hardly be the first good man to do so. It is no crime to experience pain, and it is no crime to suffer, neither is it wrong to doubt yourself, that is one of the foundations of wisdom, I believe, at least in moderation. Happiness is a gift, one that must be given in the first place, and which still can be difficult to cultivate once received.”
Gregor studied him. Simon sat still and allowed himself to be studied.
“Miles,” Gregor said at last, “Said that had I informed you of the full truth, he would have known by the terror in your eyes. Your eyes don’t look terrified, Simon.”
“Oh, I’m always terrified,” Simon said lightly, “It’s my job.”
“That sounds tiring,” Gregor said.
“It is,” Simon said, “But I like to think I manage tolerably well. I can bear the truth of you, you know, it won’t break me, it won’t break my trust.”
There was something almost like wonder in Gregor’s eyes. It made Simon uncomfortable.
“You are better than any of us deserve, Simon,” Gregor said.
Simon wanted to demur, but instead he said, “So are you, sire, more than I can say.”
Gregor shook his head.
“Perhaps I will be, someday,” he said, “Perhaps someday I’ll make it real.”
Simon weighed his words carefully. “You are entitled,” he said, “To your own privacy. I ask only that you be honest with me, I have no right to more of you than you wish to give, and I do not ask it. But I do care about you, Gregor, and not only because it’s my job. So if you ever feel yourself in need of a confidante, I would be honored to serve the purpose. I’m quite good at keeping secrets, you know, rather known for the quality, in fact.”
Simon politely pretended not to notice his emperor surreptitiously wiping tears from his eyes.
“Thank you,” Gregor said softly, once he had composed himself, “I think I’m all talked out at the moment, but I. Thank you.”
“No thanks are needed,” Simon said, “And the offer has no expiry date. You know, in reference to your earlier comment, as a man who has been called without irony “the legendary”, it has been my experience that such things do not begin to feel real until long after we have made them so. You’re the real Emperor already. You will no doubt grow in the role in time, but you have already arrived. Miles, at least, has given you his entire loyalty, and what is far more remarkable, his obedience. In comparison with that, the rest of the Imperium ought to be easy.”
Gregor actually laughed at that.
“Miles really isn’t that impossible,” Gregor said.
“Only for you, sire,” Simon replied, “I shudder to think what I shall do with him, though I do take solace in having your authority to back my own.”
“Well, I shall take that as an encouragement then,” Gregor said, “And speaking of being Emperor, I believe I have other duties I must attend to now. I’m sure you do as well.”
“Very good, sire,” Simon said, standing up, “I shall have a new report for you tomorrow.”
“I look forward to it,” Gregor said.