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"Daddy!" a voice sounds from the bedroom next to Merlin's. Looking at the alarm clock on Arthur's side of the bed, he notices that it's only fifteen minutes until his alarm goes off.
With a deep sigh, Merlin heaves himself up to get out of bed and walk to Isolde's bedroom. Arthur's already left for work, so he has to get out of bed. Besides, Isolde is calling for him, not for Arthur—she'd only get annoyed if Arthur were to come instead.
"Yes, love?" he says as he walks into his daughter's room.
"I have to pee," she says.
"Yes. Okay. Go on then." He flips back the duvet so she can jump out of bed and run to the bathroom. With another deep sigh he follows her. He's not even in the bathroom when he hears another voice pipe up.
"Daddy!" Tristan calls from his bedroom.
Merlin opens the door to Tristan's bedroom. He can't even say anything before Isolde's voice sounds from the bathroom. "I'm done."
"Hold on, love, I'll be right there!" He calls out before turning back to Tristan. "What's wrong?"
"Can I come lie in your bed, Daddy?"
"Yes, sure. Go on. Take your pillow with you. I'll be right there after I've helped Isolde."
Tristan jumps out of bed, grabs his pillow and cuddly toy and rushes towards Merlin's and Arthur's bedroom. Merlin can hear Tristan climb into the bed and arrange himself comfortably while he goes to help out Isolde.
"Can I get in your bed too, Daddy?" she asks.
"Yes, of course. Go grab your pillow."
And she's off to her room to grab her pillow and cuddly toy.
As Merlin washes his hands, he looks at himself in the mirror. He looks tired. He always looks tired these days. He doesn't exactly look forward to lying in bed between his kids and he feels bad about that. He just wants to be alone, to not be responsible for anyone or anything, to not having to do anything. He just wants to stay in bed all day. Just once. But he can't, because he has two kids to take care of. So, he walks himself back to his bedroom as soon as he's dried his hands and lies down between his kids.
Isolde immediately snuggles up to him. "Love you, Daddy. You're the best daddy ever." And Merlin's guilt increases even more, because, just now, he wished to be alone, to not have to be responsible for anything, and then his daughter says something like that.
"Love you, too, darling," he whispers, glad he can use the excuse of it still being bedtime to keep his voice low, making it easier to keep his teary voice hidden from his children.
Tristan then helps out, making sure he doesn't need to say anything more: "What about Dad? He's the best dad too!"
"I said daddy though, didn't I? Daddy is the best daddy and Dad is the best dad," Isolde argues, lifting her head so she can look at Tristan and stick out her tongue at her brother.
"They're just both the best dads then."
Merlin shushes them before it turns into another shouting match. "Thank you. Both of you. Dad and I love you two very much as well. We think you are the best son and the best daughter."
Isolde giggles and gives Merlin a tight hug, kissing him on the cheek, while Tristan climbs on top of him to place his ear against Merlin's chest, something the boy loved as a baby and still loves today. Both of the kids groan when the alarm clock goes off, though.
"Sorry, loves. Time to get out of bed and get ready for school." Merlin knows he used to chuckle at situations like this, but right now, he just wants to get them ready for school and out the door, making the guilt in his chest flare up once more.
*-*
Twenty minutes later, Merlin is in the kitchen making breakfast and lunch boxes while he listens to his children bicker at the table. Every morning goes like this and the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to hear their chittering voices; the longer it goes on, the more he feels the pressure in his chest, the way he has to fight to keep going, to keep doing what needs to be done, because he can't stop, ever—it doesn't matter how much he wants some silence and how much he wants to crawl back into bed to sleep the day away, to do absolutely nothing—things have to be done, and there's no way around it. So, he doesn't say anything about Tristan and Isolde's bickering, he needs all his energy to concentrate on preparing the food instead.
When the breakfast is finally done, and the children are finally quiet for long enough to eat, he hears the front door of their house open and close. With a frown, Merlin looks in the direction of the hallway, even Tristan and Isolde freeze and stare at him.
"Daddy? Who is that?" Isolde eventually asks in a small voice.
"No idea, love," Merlin answers automatically and slowly heads towards the hallway. Before he can even leave the kitchen though, Arthur's head appears into the doorway as he says: "Boo!"
"Dad!" Tristan and Isolde yell in unison, hopping off their chairs to run towards their dad, hugging his legs and waist as tight as they can.
"What are you doing here?" Merlin asks, perplexed, frozen in the middle of the kitchen.
"Hi," Morgana tentatively steps around Arthur to wave at them all.
"Auntie Morgana!" Isolde shouts enthusiastically, letting go of Arthur to give her aunt a hug. Tristan follows suit with an excited yell as well.
Arthur chuckles, and with one last look at his children tackling their aunt, he walks over to Merlin.
"What's going on?" Merlin asks as soon as Arthur is close enough so he can hear Merlin over the excited voices of their children.
Arthur wraps his arms around Merlin's waist and looks him in the eye, a sincere expression on his face. It's clear that whatever he's about to say, Merlin won't be able to convince him otherwise. "I managed to take the day off work. Morgana is taking the kids to school and she will pick them up tonight as well. They'll stay the night at hers and we won't have to pick them up before noon tomorrow."
"But—" Merlin starts, his default answer, because this wasn't the plan. It's Friday, he has to wash the kids' bed linens and do all the ironing. They're his Friday household chores. He has to do them, or they don't get done. It doesn't matter whether or not he has the energy to do them. He'll fight his way through the day. He'll fight himself like he always does. He'll do the work, even though every fiber of his body screams to lie down and do absolutely nothing. "—I have things to do. The kids' bed linens are in the washer already and they need to be dry again by the end of the day. Their beds need to be made. And the ironing—" He wants to continue listing all the things he still has to get done today, but Arthur grabs his face and looks him square in the eye as Morgana quietly ushers the kids to their bedrooms to pack their things so they can stay the night.
"A day off. We're both having a day off. I'm making you have a day off. The kids will stay at Morgana's tonight, so it doesn't matter whether or not their beds are made. I will make sure the bed linens get into the dryer, and I will do the ironing tomorrow morning. In fact, I'll do the ironing every Saturday morning from now on.
"But—" Merlin tries to protest. He wants to say how it's his job to take care of the household, because Arthur has a fulltime job leading the Pendragon company, and Merlin is a stay-at-home dad. So, he's at home all the time and he should do the stuff around the house, right?
"No buts," Arthur interrupts him once again. "No saying you should do all the household stuff because you're a stay-at-home dad. For you to be able to take care of us, you should take care of yourself too. And we're going to get started with cuddling in bed all day long and ordering in food tonight. No cooking, no laundry, no cleaning. I will take care of the kids' bed linens so you won't need to wash them again, but that's it. Today will be a stay-in-bed-all-day kind of day.
At this point Merlin can only stare back at Arthur. Part of him feels the need to protest some more, but the overwhelming feeling of relief that he gets to do nothing at all all day makes it impossible for him to speak.
Arthur leans in for a quick, soft kiss. When he speaks, his voice is just as soft: "What still needs to be done to get the kids to school?"
"Uh…" Merlin looks around the kitchen, feeling weird about Arthur's hands dropping away from his face. "Lunch boxes and water bottles in their school bags."
"On it," Arthur decisively says, placing a kiss against Merlin's temple as he walks past him to the counter.
"But…" What am I supposed to do now? Merlin thinks.
"If you really want to do something, go make sure the kids pack everything they need. I know how anxious you get if you don't know what they've packed," Arthur says, his back still towards Merlin. A bit baffled, Merlin stares at Arthur's back, wondering if the man can read his mind.
Merlin nods, despite Arthur not being able to see, and leaves the kitchen. He finds Morgana trying to urge two excited children to pack their bags, because they also still need to get to school on time. So, Merlin takes control of the situation and quickly packs everything they need: toothbrushes, pyjamas, two clean sets of clothes—always take spare clothes with you, always—, the plush toys they sleep with and the books they're currently reading before bed.
Everything goes surprisingly quick from there, and before long the kids are out the door, only to return the next day after noon.
It's weird having the kids out of the door without him. Merlin can't help but stare at the front door through which they disappeared. He has what he wanted: a day where he doesn't have to do anything, but still...it doesn't feel right. He's supposed to do stuff. He can't just lie around and do nothing. That's not how life works.
He doesn't get the time to act on his thoughts, let alone voice them, because Arthur's fingers gently wrap around his wrist, tugging him along to the bedroom.
Merlin follows, but only because he doesn't know what else to do. He should be on his way taking the kids to school at this hour, there's not even anything else planned to do at this time of day.
When they arrive at the foot of the bed, Arthur turns Merlin towards him and slowly starts unbuttoning Merlin's shirt.
Merlin looks down at Arthur's nimble fingers opening one button after another. "What are you doing?"
"I'm taking off your clothes so you can put more comfortable ones on. We're going to spend the day in bed—maybe we'll take a bath together this afternoon—but in any case, comfortable clothes are the way to go on a day off. Because that's what this is for you: a day off. Let me take care of you today, okay?"
Merlin can only nod as Arthur's piercing blue eyes are firmly set on his. He tries to keep Arthur's gaze, but he looks away soon, feeling tears prick in his eyes, all the weight of responsibilities he has been carrying on his shoulders, and all the fighting he had to do to get everything done, is slowly ebbing away, making place for the tears, for the physical embodiment of his tired, despondent, exhausted state of mind.
He's embarrassed. Embarrassed that he can't even take care of his children, take care of his household, without feeling like he just really can't—fighting through it because it has to be done anyway and what will everyone say if he doesn't get it all done?
Arthur doesn't say anything about it though. He just leans forward and starts kissing away the tears. Soft kisses high on Merlin's cheeks, making Merlin only cry harder and harder.
*-*
He doesn't really know how, but the next thing he knows he's under the covers, his ear pressed against Arthur's chest and Arthur's hand gently carding through his hair in a soothing rhythm.
It takes a moment before he realises he's pressed against Arthur's naked chest, and it seems like he's stripped down to his boxers as well. "What happened to comfortable clothes?" His voice sounds croaky, so he clears his throat, wanting to ask again, but Arthur already answers: "They were left out of the equation. With or without clothes, doesn't matter, really. We're in bed and we're staying here all day."
Merlin turns his head to look up at Arthur, seeing a calm, reassuring smile on his husband's face.
"Are you really okay with that?" Merlin asks. His mind keeps attacking him that he should do this and he should do that and lying in bed all day is not okay. He should fight and do what is expected of him.
Arthur nods. "Yes. You need it. We both need it. You need a day where you don't have to do anything at all, and I really want to spend an entire day with my husband."
"In bed? Wouldn't you rather go out for a walk? Or out for dinner?" It's hard to believe he gets to stay in bed all day, because if Arthur is home, he should do things that Arthur likes, because he's alone all day long when Arthur is at work and the kids are at school. He gets to plan his day as he sees fit, so when someone is home, they get to decide, right?
"In bed. We're only going out for a walk or out for dinner if that is what you want to do. But, because you've been saying lately you wished you could just stay in bed all day for once, staying in bed is where we'll start and the rest is up to you. Really," Arthur says with conviction, probably in response to Merlin's disbelieving stare. "I love you and I want you to feel better. And if staying in bed today is something that could help, then that's what we'll do."
"Okay," Merlin whispers reluctantly after several moments of silence. He really tries to believe Arthur's words, because it would be terribly nice if they were really true. But Arthur doesn't have any reason to lie to him, does he? So, he should believe Arthur, and he wants to, but it's hard.
Arthur pulls him closer again, and Merlin lets him. He feels like he should say something though, or do something, but all he wants is to close his eyes and sleep.
"Go sleep," Arthur then whispers, making Merlin snap his head up to look at him again.
"Can you read my mind?"
Arthur laughs, his face beautiful with that look of joy on it. "No. But I do listen when you talk to me. So, just in case you needed permission to do so: you can go ahead and sleep. I'm not going anywhere. Unless I have to pee real bad. Then I think it's best I probably leave the bed for a bit." Arthur's eyes twinkle at his own stupid joke. Merlin loves it when Arthur looks like this—he loves how Arthur is able to be happy despite having to deal with his depressive mood day in, day out.
"I love you," Merlin mutters as he snuggles back closer against Arthur's side, wrapping an arm around Arthur's waist and a leg around one of Arthur's.
"Love you, too," comes Arthur's reply as he tightens his hold on Merlin and kisses the top of his head.
It's only then that Merlin allows himself to close his eyes and relax the best he can. He really expected not to be able to fall asleep, but something about Arthur's rhythmic breathing, the beating of his heart, and the heat of his skin seeping into Merlin's body must've been relaxing enough, because when he next opens his eyes the sun isn't shining on their bedroom window anymore and he's being spooned by Arthur instead of lying against his side.
A bit disoriented he lifts his head to look at the clock on Arthur's side of the bed.
"You slept for three hours," Arthur's voice sounds softly from behind him.
"I thought you were sleeping!" Merlin startles.
"I did for a bit. But I honestly mostly just watched you sleep. You look awfully peaceful when you're sleeping. It's nice to see you without worries for a while."
Arthur's soft smile makes Merlin fall back down on the mattress. "I'm sorry," he mutters.
"Nope, no apologising." Arthur kisses Merlin's cheek. "It's not like you make yourself have a hard time with your mind and with life. And I can see how hard you work to keep going. So, no apologising."
"Okay," Merlin whispers, even though he doesn't believe Arthur once again. He wants to believe him, but…
"It's past noon already. How about I make us some food and we eat it in the bathtub?"
"Eat in the bathtub?" Merlin snaps his head back up at that ridiculous idea. Eat in the bathtub… It'd only cause crumbs and other bits of food to end up in the water and that's not clean at all.
Arthur just laughs though and kisses the tip of his nose. "Let's do something crazy. There's no kids running around demanding that they get to eat in the bathtub next time too. I'll make everything bite sized, so there's less chance of things dropping into the tub. That okay?"
Merlin continues looking at Arthur as if he's become crazy, but even though Merlin doesn't react for quite a while, Arthur doesn't back down from the idea or say it's a joke. He means it, Merlin realises. "I guess," he tentatively gives in.
"Great!" And after another kiss on Merlin's forehead, Arthur leaps out of bed and doesn't even bother to put on any clothes before leaving the bedroom.
"You're going to cook like that?!" Merlin yells after him, leaning up on his elbows so he has a good view of the doorway.
"No point in getting dressed if I have to take everything off for the bath in a bit!" Arthur just yells back, his voice sounding farther away already. And like he can really read Merlin's mind after all, he continues: "And you stay in bed! Put on some music or something! Or just doze! No work for you today!"
"But—" Merlin wants to say, but Arthur probably didn't hear, because right at that moment Arthur ends his 'orders' with: "And no buts!"
Grumbling, because it feels wrong to just lie in bed while Arthur does all the work, Merlin lets himself fall down onto the mattress again and stares at the ceiling, listening to the sounds from the kitchen traveling towards their bedroom. After just a few moments Merlin grabs for his phone though, the need to do something winning over the just lying down and doing nothing, even if this something is playing a useless game on his phone.
He's not sure how much time passes, but after a while Merlin's restlessness settles down a bit. He quickly lowers his phone when he notices Arthur standing in the doorway, leaning with his shoulder against the doorframe, arms crossed, an amused look on his face as he watches Merlin.
"What?" Merlin squeaks, feeling like he's been caught doing something he isn't supposed to do.
"Nothing. I just love you," Arthur says, pushing himself away from the doorframe so he stands upright again. "Food is almost done. I'm going to start filling the tub with water."
"Almost done?" Merlin asks, sitting upright, making Arthur halt in his movements. "What on earth are you making?"
"Nothing crazy, you idiot," Arthur chuckles. "I've cut up some fruit and cheese. It's just waiting for the toast to be ready now."
"Oh." Merlin slumps down his shoulders, not sure why he kinda accused Arthur of making something way too fancy.
"And I just decided that after lunch in the bathtub, we're having ice cream in front of the tv!" Arthur yells from the hallway on his way to the bathroom, leaving Merlin behind in the bedroom again, both stunned and relieved that he doesn't have to make any decisions today. It's surprisingly nice to have someone decide everything for you for once. But then he thinks of their children and how they always get angry when either Merlin or Arthur makes a decision for them which they don't agree with, wondering at which point it changed for him… at which point did he stop wanting to make all his own decisions?
Arthur only comes back when the bath is filled with nicely hot water and the food is set up on a small table next to it.
"Time to eat and soak," he says with a smile, guiding Merlin between his legs in the bathtub so Merlin can lean his back against Arthur's chest. He wants to protest when Arthur grabs a piece of the food and holds it against his lips, but before he can say anything, Arthur speaks: "Nope, no protesting. Today you're letting me pamper you." So, Merlin opens his mouth and lets Arthur put the piece of toast in his mouth.
They sit like that for quite some time. Merlin lets Arthur feed him as he can feel his muscles relaxing gradually, the stiffness he didn't even know was there seeping out of his body little by little. He almost regrets the water getting too cold to stay in the bath, but when Arthur wraps them both up in blankets, pressed against each other on the sofa, while each having their own tub of ice cream, and making sure there's a silly movie playing on the tv, he's quite okay with this part of the day as well.
"Thank you," he whispers as he's finished all of his ice cream, leaning his head onto Arthur's shoulder.
"You're welcome," Arthur replies as he manoeuvers his arm out of the narrow space between them to wrap it around Merlin's shoulders and pull him a little closer even. "We're doing this more often from now on. At least once a month."
Merlin nods, liking the idea, even though the guilt seeps into his chest again because that means their children will have to stay the night some other place again.
"I'm sure Tristan and Isolde won't mind having to stay with Morgana and Leon more often. They love going there. Especially when Leon lets them play knights in the backyard and Morgana teaches them 'magic'."
Merlin can't help but smile at that. Just thinking about it he can see their excited faces and energetic movements as they run through that garden fighting against invisible monsters.
"Yeah, you're right." He wants to say more but instead he bites his lip and mulls things over, feeling Arthur's eyes on him, patiently waiting until he speaks. "Are they… They're happy kids, right? I don't bring them down?"
Arthur pulls him closer again for a moment. "They are happy. They know you love them, even on your bad days. They know I love you, no matter what. They know you're working on feeling better again and they'll know who to come to if they ever struggle mentally in the future. You're a great dad, Merlin. Don't ever doubt that."
"Thanks," Merlin mutters, a bit embarrassed. But he leans against Arthur again anyway, letting the comfort seep into him as he starts concentrating on the movie again.
*-*
This day didn't make everything better, it didn't miraculously pull him out of his depression, but it did make him realise there's people who love him and who'll help him if he needs it. And the idea of having a day like this at least once a month is kinda nice.