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He’s not a good person, Katsuki at least knows that much. He’s loud, aggressive, unnecessarily harsh even towards the only people he’s ever considered friends. He yells before talking, slaps away a concerned hand, shrugs away from affection. He avoids. He hides. It’s all he’s ever known how to do. He was always praised for how strong he was, how fast he was at improving; the praise never stopped even when he decided to hurt the one friend he genuinely had as a child. So then why, why did the praise suddenly stop when he got a lower grade than expected? Why did the praise stop when he hurt his hands despite that only being natural? Why did the praise stop when he got home and behind closed doors? Why did it stop? And when did it start to hurt so much? But that hurt made him vulnerable, and vulnerability always warranted a punishment. He had to be strong, he has to be strong. He had to be perfect, but his weaknesses made him far less than. And so that hurt that he feels when someone pulls away from that slap, from that shrug, not knowing that all it would take to make him break down is a single touch, is shoved deep inside. Deep somewhere that he can only reach when it builds and builds, eventually, inevitably becoming too much and bubbling out.
No, Katsuki is not a good person, he knows that. But he wants to be. He wants someone to see him as anything more than the child prodigy. As more than the kid who never learned to grow up properly. More than his violent shell covering the soft underbelly he desperately worked to protect. As more.
No matter how much he worked to be the best, to be perfect, to be flawless, there were those days that he just couldn’t muster the energy to even want to be the best. Some days Katsuki found himself waking up more exhausted than when he went to sleep, dragging his feet the whole day, barely even able to open his mouth for the harsh words everyone expected of him by now. His skin would hurt and every little thing was just too much. Unfortunately, it was one of those days.
“Bakugou?”
A soft knock echoed through Katsuki’s quiet room. He was trying very hard to work out the tension from the day. He’d been late for class, for the first time since starting at UA, he failed a pop quiz (well not an F, but anything less than an A was failing to him), ate his lunch on the roof if picking around the foods for the half hour counts as eating, and, worst of all, the reason someone was outside his door to begin with, he accidentally let his guard down and nuzzled into the side of Kirishima’s body when he put an arm around Katsuki’s shoulder. He showed that vulnerability, that disgusting weakness in front of someone and now he was going to be punished.
“Bro, can you let me in?”
The door is unlocked, Katsuki knows this and there is no way Kirishima doesn’t know it too. He has never locked his door ever since moving into the dorms. He’d never admit it out loud but he feels better knowing there’s almost nothing separating himself from Kirishima down the hall. No one but said red head ever even attempts to enter Katsuki’s room, so no one else knows he never locks the door. Why Kirishima was asking this time instead of just barging in like he normally does baffles Katsuki.
“I know the door’s unlocked, man.”
Oh. See. He does know. Then why isn’t he coming in? Katsuki can’t bring himself to ask the other boy to come in, to just ignore any complaints Katsuki might send his way and just, invade his space. Make his room feel warm almost to an uncomfortable level. Make his room smell like laundry detergent and the ever lingering light scent of sweat that Kirishima carries around with him. Make his room feel like home. A home he hasn’t had since he was 4 and just got his quirk.
“I’m not coming in till you say it’s cool.”
Fuck.
Of fucking course Kirishima is gonna be the good friend, the perfect gentleman, and do the exact fucking opposite of what Katsuki wants him to do. But when he opens his mouth to demand the boy’s presence, nothing comes out. No obscenities, no commands, not even a whisper falls past his lips. That’s when the panic starts to set in.
Sure, sometimes he’ll get too overwhelmed and not have the energy to yell or have the mind to remember to say something, but it’s not often that the words will get trapped in his throat, suffocating him from the inside, choking him to the point of tears welling up in his eyes. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does Katsuki wants to do nothing but claw at his neck, tear into his throat and pull the words stuck there out by his own hands.
“Katsuki,”
Oh fuck, that’s his name, he realized as the tears welling up threatened to push past the brim of his eyes and fall. Katsuki has never heard his first name sound so soft coming from someone. For as long as he can remember he’s only heard his name yelled in anger, or said in disappointment. Never quite so soft and warm. So comforting.
“If you want me to leave you alone, I will. But if you wanna talk then you gotta open the door for me man.”
No! Katsuki doesn’t want Kirishima to leave him alone. As much as he probably should, he just can’t bring himself to not want the calming and comforting boy beside him in his room. His friends would probably laugh at him, parents would most definitely disown him, but Katsuki just couldn’t bring himself to hate the high pitched, needy sound that crawled it’s way past his lips.
“Ei…!” He whined, finally able to muster enough strength to call for the boy who’s presence was teasing him directly on the other side of that fucking door. He’d for sure blast that door to bits if he could manage to move the muscles in his arms to lift his hands, but that’s the point, he can’t! He can’t get up from his spot in the corner to open the door and let the asshole hell bent on manners in. He can’t use his words to call for him. He can’t explain why he’s such a pathetic failure. He just, he can’t. Not anymore at least. He just wants to be done. He’s so tired of having to be the best, of having to be perfect, of having to shove his feelings down so that no one knows he has them. He just wants to be held.
Just as that thought circled through his brain, a realization he hadn’t come to before that was starting to bring up feelings he didn’t, he couldn’t think about right then, the door finally burst open. Before Katsuki was even aware the door to his room was open, a mess of red was suddenly invading his line of sight. It was slightly blurrier than it probably should be, but Katsuki just didn’t care. The sense of home was filling every sense, making it difficult to think of anything else.
“Katsuki, why are you crying?” A voice, barely above a whisper, asked him. Calloused hands, that definitely should not be able to feel that soft, cupped Katsuki’s face and wiped away the wet tears rolling down his face.
Oh, he was crying. That explains why Katsuki’s vision was blurry.
“Ei…” he whined again, softer this time as the source of his wants was finally in front of him, gently caressing his cheeks, instead of on the other side of that goddamn door.
“I’m here. I’m here, Katsuki.” Kirishima promised, the sincerity flowing from his lips into his fingertips and into Katsuki’s skin, effectively giving his eyes a bit more life. “I’m here.” He said again, softer this time.
Katsuki has never felt so goddamn relieved to hear those words. Well, he’s never actually heard them before so who the fuck knows if they’d have the same effect coming from someone else. With the way Kirishima had already managed to stop Katsuki’s veering towards dangerous thoughts, he highly doubts that just anyone else could do the same.
He still couldn’t say more than the beginning part of Kirishima’s name, so instead Katsuki swallowed the last remaining bits of his pride and willed his body to buck up and move. He pushed himself forward, closing the remaining space between the two boys, and shoved his face into Kirishima’s chest. He thought he fucked up for only a moment when the hands on his face were removed, but when they were quickly replaced on his head instead, gently petting his hair and pulling Katsuki even closer into the embrace, he knew that Kirishima wanted this just as much.
“What do you need?” Kirishima’s voice reverberated through his chest and echoed in Katsuki’s ears, quelling the rushing of blood pounding in them. He’s convinced there is no sound that could ever compare to the soft yet strong way Kirishima’s voice bounced around in his head, calming his thoughts, as the red head’s hands soothed his aching body. Katsuki could quickly get addicted to it.
“This.” Katsuki muttered into Kirishima’s chest. He was being held, just like he wanted to be. His skin doesn’t hurt anymore. His voice is working again. But, more than that, he needs, “you.” Katsuki clarified. No one else could ever even hope to soothe Katsuki the way Kirishima was able to. Even when his days weren’t this bad, the boy was always able to calm him. Kirishima is his control, and it only took breaking down in his arms to realize it.
“You have me.” Kirishima wrapped his arms around Katsuki’s body and squeezed tight. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.” He promised.
Even if it’s weak, even if it’s pathetic, Katsuki can’t help the way his arms move to wrap around Kirishima’s body to reciprocate the hug. For the first time ever, Katsuki lets himself indulge in comfort. He can count on this, on Kirishima. He’s here.
“I love you, Kat, I’m not leaving.” Kirishima whispered into the soft blond hair.
A strangled half cry forced its way out of Katsuki’s body, the words feeling like he was just electrocuted, but, in a good way? Kirishima pulled away worriedly pulling another cry from the boy at the lack of contact.
“Sorry,” Kirishima pulled Katsuki back into his arms, scraping his nails softly along his scalp in a calming repetitive motion. “I’m sorry, that’s not what you need right now. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Katsuki could feel the regret emanating from his best friend, and that was anything but calming, so he gently pulled away to look Kirishima in the eye. “How?” He asked, his voice hoarse from the crying he didn’t realize he’d been doing for probably a lot longer than he thought. The idea of someone caring about him was foreign, sure, but he at least knew that feeling at some point in his life. Someone liking him was far fetched, he’s not exactly “likable”. But someone loving him? That’s impossible. Or, it was impossible. Doesn’t make it easier to understand. He’s still not a good person, he’s kind of terrible in fact. So how does perfection personified love someone like him? It makes no sense.
“How do I love you?” Kirishima cocked his head to the side. “I’ve never thought you were unlovable, is that what you mean?”
Katsuki didn’t say anything, not trusting his words enough, because yes, that is exactly what he means. He instead opted to just keep eye contact, despite the growing urge to look away and hide from the way Kirishima’s gaze pierced through him, seeing into the darkest parts of Katsuki that he didn’t even know were there.
“Katsuki, you’re amazing, you know that right?”
A shiver went through Katsuki’s body at his words. Amazing? No, no no no, he’s not amazing. He’s weak, he’s pathetic, and hiding it under a layer of false perfection. “You are.” He shook his head. If anyone deserved to be described as amazing, it was Kirishima. He’s the perfect friend, the best person. He’s amazing.
Kirishima sighed. Before Katsuki could panic that he just pissed him off he saw the fond smile clear as day on the other’s face. “You’re not weak, Kat.”
“Wha-“
“You’re my best friend. I love you. I know you. I’ve seen the way you watch as our classmates improve, using your own strength to encourage them to get stronger. The way you make yourself available to help them if they need it, even if you complain the whole time, you still go above and beyond to make sure they understand something. You know everyone loves your cooking, so you’ll make dinner twice a week, more if someone is feeling down. You notice the little changes in our behavior and act in a way that will help us best, whether the rest can see that or not.”
“Hey, stop.” Katsuki practically begged, his chest constricting in an almost painful way. The tears he managed to push back were back and threatening to fall down his face once again.
Kirishima did in fact not stop. He resumed his earlier act of caressing Katsuki’s face, rubbing his thumb over his eyebrows, under his eyes, and over his lips. “Asking how I love you isn’t the right question because how can I not?” His soft smile made Katsuki’s heart skip a beat or two, he wasn’t quite sure as he lost himself in Kirishima’s eyes. “Even if you ask me why I love you, I could give you a thousand reasons.” Their faces got closer as the gravity of the situation seemed to pull them towards each other. “You are more than deserving of love, mine or anyone else’s. Kat, I am so proud of you.” He finally finished.
Katsuki’s breathing stuttered and his heart beat wildly in his chest. If it was humanly possible, Katsuki was sure his heart would have jumped out of his chest already with how hard it was beating. How long has it been since he’s heard those words? Has he ever actually heard them? His parents always praised his accomplishments, but they never praised him. Teachers never praised him, fearing he would only get worse and more violent against the other students. Not even his friends, as well meaning as they are, ever praised him believing his head was already big enough. But here is perfection saying he’s proud of Katsuki, saying those words as easily as if he were breathing.
“Don’t lie to me…” Katsuki wanted to sound threatening. He wanted to send a warning that no matter how much of an effect they have on him, he doesn’t need to hear those half hearted words.
“I’m not lying.”
Fuck it all if Katsuki doesn’t want to believe him. Kirishima is perfect, he cares, and most importantly, he doesn’t lie.
“Say it again.” He whispered. Maybe he needed to make sure Kirishima actually said it, or maybe he just needs to hear those words again. Either way, he wants to hear them.
“You are a good, strong person, and I am so, so proud of you.” Kirishima told him, never breaking eye contact.
Fuuck.
“I love you too.” Katsuki wasn’t sure until tonight. He wasn’t sure why his heart always beat harder when Kirishima was near him. Why his very presence was able to calm him and bring him down from a dangerous high. He wasn’t even sure why he needed the boy in his room to feel better. But hearing his words, feeling his soft touches, knowing Kirishima loves him, it all just makes sense. There is no one else for Katsuki, no one he could ever even imagine feeling this comfortable around.
“You don’t have to say that just because I did.” Kirishima’s eyes were wide and he had a heavy blush making its way up his body, reaching the tips of his ears and settling there.
“Eijirou, you’re it for me.” Katsuki’s words left a promise hanging in the air between them, never said aloud but understood nonetheless. Even if Kirishima were to eventually realize that he can do better, that his love is wasted on the blond, Katsuki was never even going to look ever again. He never wanted to.
“You’re it for me too.” Kirishima said softly, finally closing the gap between them and placing a small kiss on the tip of Katsuki’s nose. “I’m here for you, always.” He didn’t know what had affected Katsuki so much to the point of a breakdown, maybe he had an idea or maybe he would never know, either way, it wouldn’t change the fact the Kirishima would drop anything and everything for Katsuki. With or without context, he’d do anything for him. And he will spend as much time, as many years as it takes for Katsuki to believe him.
He’s not a good person, Katsuki knows that much about himself. But maybe, just maybe, he isn’t a bad person either. Maybe he’s allowed to feel. He’s allowed to change, he’s allowed to hurt, he’s allowed to be happy. And he wants it all with Eijirou.