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Tucker tapped his foot anxiously. He sat with his head resting on his interlaced fingers, doing his best not to have one of those awful anxiety attacks. He hadn’t had one in years, but hey— if it happened twice, it could happen again. Maybe the alien magic tech stuff was optional and it really was all him. Simmons dealt with them pretty regularly.
Tucker’s stomach didn’t feel too hot either, unlike him— he looked freaking great in a tux, but that fact didn’t assuage his worries at all.
“Should I call it off?” He finally said.
“Call it off?” Kai looked insulted. “Bitch, why take it this far if you didn’t wanna tie the knot? I know the married thing isn’t my scene, but you shouldn’t lead a girl on! If Lia cries, I’ll fuckin’ fight you! We’ll both fight you because women have each other’s backs and you have marked yourself as enemy number one now!”
“Do you want to go for a walk? Maybe that’ll help you feel better.” Wash offered.
“Yeahhh we’ll shoot him out back! Justice!”
“Jesus,” Simmons said, “calm the fuck down.”
“I mean, if you call it off, catering was already paid for, so we can just eat and hang out,” Grif said. “I’m good with that.”
“Well, what’s it gonna be, Tucker? I bet I could get all the sisters behind me on this!” Kai was practically vibrating. “You’re gonna get your ass kicked! Girl power, bitch!”
Mama Caboose cut in. “Hey, everyone? Shoosh it.” She held a finger over her mouth. “Could everyone else go? I’d like to talk to him. Less people in the room, please.” She made a shooing gesture at Kai, Grif, Simmons, and Wash.
“Yeah, Elena, talk some sense into him!” Kai had her arms crossed, making no move to leave.
“C’mon, Kai. Let’s go,” Grif grabbed her arm and pulled her out.
“Hey, what? No, wait! I’ll be the bad cop to your good cop even though all cops are ba—“
Mama Caboose shut the door.
“How are you feeling?”
“I dunno, a little nervous,” he lied. Too much of an understatement to be remotely true. His stomach was in knots and he felt all kinds of bad. Maybe it was a sign that he shouldn’t go through with the wedding.
She wheeled up to him.
“Well? What’s wrong, mijo?”
“What if it doesn’t work out? Lia’s the first girl I’ve been with for so long. Maybe I’m rushing into it.”
“If it doesn’t work out, you two can laugh together about the time you got married and you’ll both laugh like, “Can you imagine how stupid we were?”” Mama Caboose laughed. She put her hands on his shoulders. “You will still be a part of the family, whatever you choose, so do not worry about that.”
“I don’t know if I deserve you guys.” She was so nice to him all the time. He didn’t want to let her down, but he probably already had in one way or another. She just didn’t realize it. Lia had known, but… “Did Caboose tell the rest of you that I was one of the people who rebooted his suit?”
She tilted her head, but she didn’t look surprised. “Did Michael tell you that Eden has a limp because Eve pushed her off of the play set and it did not heal right?”
He didn’t know that, but what did that have to do with…
“And Hannah can’t live in places with cold temperatures because Al, her dad, would put them all outside in the cold behind my back?”
That sounded vaguely familiar. Did Caboose mention it before? Who knows how much he’d forgotten or tuned out from Caboose over the years.
“Lydia is very sensitive and it took her a long time to let herself love because she used to be bullied very badly in school. I—“ She paused. “I have been unlearning some really nasty coping habits I developed during my marriage for the past several years. We have all been hurt by people.”
“I’m sorry about your marriage,” Tucker said. Mama Caboose was one of the kindest people he knew. If her late husband wasn’t dead already, he was sure the reds and blues would happily take care of that for her. Tucker never met him, but he sounded like a real scumbag.
“Many are lucky enough that the hurt is not crippling, but there is always permanent damage. Harsh words, an angry action… It all hurts. And it stays with you.”
“Yeah,” he avoided eye contact, “brain damage does tend to be permanent.”
She paused. “Yes, you did hurt Michael. But it was not out of malice. It was accidental. Michael accidentally shot your teammate with a tank. If he was not an AI he would have been dead from that. Michael did not know he was an AI when he was shot. Being accidents does not make these things less scarring. Not really. But that does not make intent unimportant either.”
“Yeah, well my intent didn’t include concern for his safety back then either.”
She sighed. “You know what else Michael told us?”
Tucker shook his head slightly.
“He told us you were really dumb. He called you “Stupid Tucker” so much it may as well been your first name.”
Tucker nodded. Caboose wasn’t wrong there. He’d fucked up plenty. He had a lot of regrets in life.
“That was many years ago. Now, he just calls you “Tucker”. And he has for years. It is hard to see your own growth sometimes. But Michael saw it. He told us that if it weren’t for you, peace negotiations with the aliens wouldn’t have gone so smoothly. You were a leader on Chorus. And you led a rescue mission to find your friend Church.”
“Rescue mission? Oh.” Tucker looked down. “It was a trick. I got us into danger is what I did.”
“Well, that’s alright.”
“How is that alright?”
“You’re here today. Your friends are here today. It all worked out!”
“Wash got hurt. If we hadn’t gone—“
“Earth would have been destroyed along with the rest of the universe. Michael told me that, too. I don’t know how much of an exaggeration it is— or if it was, I know you have all done some very crazy things, but it was that significant to him. That counts for something, yes?”
“Yeah, I guess it does.”
“On God’s path for you, everything happens for a reason.
“I uh…” He didn’t believe in a God. He wasn’t sure if mentioning that would hurt her feelings.
She seemed to catch on to his discomfort. “Even if you do not share my faith, you must see that there are things— good things that would not have happened if other bad things had not happened first. Even if you wanted to get rid of the bad things, you can’t change the past. So look at the good things.”
His mama used to say something like that. “You can’t turn back the clock.” He always viewed the phrase in a wry, cynical sort of way. After all, his mama often said it about his birth. Her biggest mistake, inconvenience, etc. She never called it that directly, but it was clear she felt that way about him. You can’t turn back the clock. It was true— outside of that one time they time traveled, but even then— “Trust me, I know I can’t change the past.”
“Understanding you can’t change the past is only the first step. You need to accept it and forgive yourself too. Doing better and learning from mistakes is good, but forgiveness is also very important.”
“I don’t know if I ever can completely.” It wasn’t just Caboose. It was also shooting Cappy. And the guilt about Wash’s injury would never fade no matter how much people told him it wasn’t his fault. And that wasn’t including all the girls he was an asshole and/or perv to when he was younger. How could he forgive himself for that? How could he just shrug off hurting people?
“Well you need to. It is ok if it takes a while. I am still forgiving myself. But it is very important. If you are an enemy to yourself it will be felt by your loved ones. And they can’t help you win that fight. You need to do it. If not for yourself, then for them.”
Tucker smiled. “Now I know how Caboose and Juliana are so strong. They get it from you, huh?”
“It’s not about being strong. Being strong all the time just makes you break faster. It’s about…” she considered, “accepting that you’re human and being kind to yourself. That is more important.”
“Yeah,” Tucker nodded. He wished he could look more convincing, but he was still so anxious.
“What you do is up to you. I could talk all day about what I’ve learned from life but that does not mean it is going to sink in. I really recommend considering therapy. It has been very helpful for me.”
“It feels like everyone’s been telling me that lately.” He understood Carolina and Wash going to therapy. They had been through so much shit because of Freelancer and Temple. Even Simmons— who’d tried to keep his therapy appointments secret, but failed because secrets were almost impossible to keep on Iris— made sense, he was trying to navigate his relationship with his parents, he had anxiety, and he and Grif were raising their first kid. Pretty overwhelming stuff for him. But Tucker… he was fine. He didn’t have regular anxiety attacks or anything like that. He wasn’t almost starved to death locked in his armor. What would he even talk about? His childhood? He hadn’t talked about his childhood in so long. He wasn’t sure he could. Besides, it was so long ago, it didn’t matter.
“It is not a bad thing. They are well equipped to help you talk through what is on your mind. As much as I am here for you and all of my kids, I can’t be everyone’s support all of the time. I thought I could be a long time ago, but like I said, trying too hard to be ‘strong’ is not good for anyone.”
“Um, Mama Caboose— er, should I call you Elena now?” That’s what Kai called her and they were pretty close.
“After today, you can just call me Mama, if you like.”
Tucker tensed. He wasn’t sure if he could. “I don’t think… I don’t know if I can do that. Not right away. Or maybe not ever. Sorry”
“Well, Mamá, Mom, Mama Caboose, Elena… whichever. I don’t mind.”
“Well… thanks. I’m gonna go marry your daughter now.”
Why was he so scared? He should be thrilled that they were getting married. He was over the moon about it until today. It felt… too good. Like it was going to slip away. Then again, he felt that way when they started dating, and yet here they were, years later on their wedding day.
“You feel ready?” Mama Caboose asked.
“Yeah. I think I am. If she wants me.”
“She does.”
Yeah, somehow, Juliana was still with him. She laughed at his peacocking and bow-chicka-wow-wows and he teased her for ever trying to act above the Iris shenanigans when she always had a blast when she joined in.
Tucker thought about the crazy road trip around Chorus they went on with Junior. Tucker insisted he knew where they were going, but they both saw through him. Lia took the wheel, slipping shades on, “I got this.” And proceeded to get them, not back on track, but lost in a different direction. Junior finally got them back to civilization as Tucker and Lia sheepishly ate the remaining snacks.
He helped her move in on Chorus because, “There are some good opportunities for a builder here. And, also, living closer isn’t the worst thing. I visit Iris so much now, moving across the galaxy to Chorus will save money.”
“Unfortunately for me, turns out you’re my type.” And then they were dating.
“Man, guess I should play some Death of a Bachelor.”
“Why now? We’ve been dating for two years.”
“Exactly. Pretty sure we’re soulmates at this point. Might never be a bachelor again.”
Lia tilted her head expectantly. “Is that it?”
“What do you mean? I thought that was a pretty romantic thing to say.” Tucker said defensively. “I meant it.”
“I thought you were gonna beat me to it.” She reached into her pocket, and got onto one knee, opening the box to an engagement ring. “Lavernius Tucker, will you marry me?”
He froze. “Oh shit, I am so sorry.”
“Sorry?” The face of annoyed confusion she made was meme worthy. “For what?”
“I should be the one doing that.”
“Just give me a yes or no, stupid.”
“Can we tell everyone else I proposed first?”
“You can tell them that, but I won’t back you up.”
“Well, maybe I’ll just pass and surprise you with a proposal later.”
“Lav, it doesn’t matter who proposes. Why are you being all weird about this?”
“I should’ve put in the work, not you.”
“Going once,” she said loudly.
“What?”
“Going twice.” She stood and walked over to the open window.
“What are you doing?”
She wound her arm back.
Tucker grabbed her wrist. “Yes! Yes I want to marry you!”
“Was that so hard?” She was trying to look smug but he could see the excitement in her eyes. Probably matched the dopey grin on his own face.
“Were you seriously going to throw that?” He wasn’t sure how much it cost, but what if it got lost down there? Or damaged? He’d expect that petty reckless crap from Sarge or Sister. Or himself.
“No, but I had to regain my momentum somehow.”
“Since you proposed… that doesn’t mean I have to wear a dress, right?”
“Only if you want to. Esther is going to make me a dress-suit fusion, so wear whatever you want, as long as it’s formal.”
“Yeah, I’ll stick with a tux. Heels are tempting, would love to be eye level with you, and I know I could rock a dress—”
“Oh absolutely.”
“—but I don’t think the world is ready for these legs.”
She laughed, then looked him over. “I thought you’d be more excited but you’re being really low-key about it.”
“Yeah, I’m just that cool.”
“Screaming on the inside?”
“Oh yeah, big time.”
They kissed and then ran around Iris announcing their engagement, giggling like teenagers.
Tucker breathed in and out, expelling some more stomach butterflies. “Then yeah. I’m ready.”