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If Remus blinked hard enough, he found that the stars liked to quiver and shift in the sky, their edges blurring into each other and the night. If he blinked hard enough, he almost believed he could blur, too, until there was nothing left of him.
He supposed, though, that the stars at least had the sky to lean against. Who was it that he had to lean against?
The answer should have been simple. James, Sirius, and Peter, for starters, and maybe even Lily Evans, too. But none of them knew, not entirely.
Remus’ friends knew bits and pieces, odd-ends and loose threads he hurried to tie up into rushed bows, but none knew the entirety of his story. He carried weights on his shoulders, those being of equal weight and magnitude and horror , according to his parents.
So, he’d never told his friends, as to avoid burdening them, as well. They knew that Remus had come to school with a long grey skirt and long blonde hair to match, and they noticed but said nothing when he came shuffling back to the shared compartment with his belt cinched and his hair jagged but not passing his ears any longer, proceeding to tell them his name was Lupin without any further elaboration. His friends observed in silence and thoughtfulness, save for Sirius’ offer to help even out the back of his hair as they trudged together to the dormitories after their first Hogwarts feast. To which Remus, of course, denied with a plea of safety for his neck, earning a smile from Sirius and perhaps the beginnings of a friendship, too. His friends observed in relative silence and acceptance, and Remus found himself easing into their presence as the early months of first year flew by.
But now it was fifth year and Remus hid under jumpers and blankets and really anything he could find, slouching around with bangs brushing his eyes and the rest of his hair a ruffled, matted mess. He spoke rarely and laughed even less so, using most of his energy to check that his sleeves were constantly past his wrists and onto his palms, and making sure that he always had a decent excuse as to why he hadn’t been in the Great Hall in weeks.
Sirius confronted him first, actually, just a few days succeeding the most recent full moon. Courteous , Remus thought with a tiny smile, letting me gather my wits a bit before yelling at me . The smile fell away.
“Moony.”
He was standing a good few feet away from Remus’ four poster with its rumpled sheets decorated with wadded-up remains of old parchment displaying hints of essays marked with and bleeding red ink. Sirius made no effort to step forward, which hurt, somehow.
“ ’Afternoon.” Remus fought to spill some emotion into his voice -- anything from the usual monotone numbness. He tossed in an ingenuine smile for good measure.
Sirius, for once, seemed to be at a loss for words. His eyes darted around Remus, refusing to hold contact with anything for more than a few brief seconds. His voice shook when he spoke and, all right, who had hexed Sirius? “We’ve missed you at lunch, Moony.”
And then he was gone, and the door was ajar but Remus made no effort to get up and close it.
He pretended to be asleep when they tried to call him for dinner.
+
Spring exams were rapidly approaching as Remus made the unconscious decision that he had to tell them. And, really, how horribly could it go? They accepted his being half-monster in other respects; this wasn’t all that different.
Remus found Peter first, in the far corner of the library, half-hidden by the potions books he was frantically reviewing. Slughorn was not an easy grader, and Remus’ own looming Potions exam grade ached in sympathy.
“Hey, Peter.” He slumped into the opposite chair.
Peter barely glanced up, hand shaking and ink smudging as he fought against his muscles and time to get as many notes copied as possible. “Hm?”
“I don’t miss my long hair, you know? Or skirts, those pleats are damn uncomfortable. And the words she and her , Merlin, don’t get me started. . .”
Remus felt color in his cheeks as Peter’s incessant scribbling ceased and he felt a curious stare settle on him. “Okay.”
“Thanks, Pete, for being a friend.” He left the library a bit later with images of a soft smile and a wobbly thumbs up following him.
Lily Evans found him in the corridor on his way to Charms three days later, just as he was adjusting his sweater from where it had begun to bunch around his hips.
“Oi, Lupin.”
And, in a sudden, crazy, nearly Sirius-like burst of confidence, Remus decided he had little to lose in regards to Lily Evans. “It’s Remus.” His voice was softer than he would’ve liked, and higher, too. It was a start , though.
A sigh. “Get in here.” His hand was suddenly gripped in that of Lily Evans (James was going to positively scream ) and he was being dragged into what felt like an empty classroom by Lily Evans and what the hell was happening?
“Wha--” Not for the first time that afternoon, Remus was cut off by Lily Evans (James might just kill him).
But she was smiling (what the fuck was happening?) as she stuck out a shaky hand to him and -- since when did Lily Evans have shaky hands and since when was Remus supposed to shake them -- waited for him to grip it.
“I’m Lily, and I use she-slash-her and they-slash-them pronouns.”
She was beaming. Remus, to contrast, was crying.
“Remus?”
His hand went limp in hers as he stumbled back against the wall. The world was spinning and blurring but there were no stars so why was it blurring-- why the hell was it blurring what was happening ?
“He-slash-him.” His voice was splintered beyond any point of comprehension, he was sure, but the world was too blurry and liquid and kaleidoscopic for him to really care all that much.
“I know.” And they sounded sympathetic, what the fuck, what the hell, what --
Remus froze. If Lily knew, Severus was bound to know, and if Severus knew the whole school knew, though even if they didn’t, his life was quite beyond a living hell already. Lily Evans had dragged him into a classroom to taunt him and James was probably involved too and they were all laughing at his stupid, stupid naivety, and--
“Hey, breathe. Remus , breathe, or I will drag Sirius dumbass Black down here himself because Merlin knows he’s the only one you listen to sometimes.”
“D. . .don’t do that . . .he doesn’t. . .he doesn’t know.” Remus sounded so meek , so goddamn feminine and it was awful .
“I won’t tell him, don’t worry. Can I. . .can I hug you?” She sounded tentative, hesitant to the point of legitimately scared and Remus almost laughed because who could be scared of him ?
He nodded, but stiffened against his will as their arms settled around his shoulders. “How did you. . .uh, who told you?” His voice would fucking break in the wind, it was so thin and reedy and terrible.
A pause. “Peter. . .by accident!” she was quick to add, but Remus was already scrabbling in panic. The walls were trembling with him, the ceiling would collapse at any moment and how, how was Lily not feeling it, he was going to die -- Peter ? “He was happy you trusted him and he’s never really had all that much of a filter-- I’m sorry.”
“’S not your fault. Fuck ,” he groaned, “do James and Sirius know?”
Lily shook their head, the green of her eyes sparkling and set against the dark lines of their lashes.
“What’s funny, Evans?”
“Oh, don’t you start, too. One annoying Gryffindor boy calling me by my last name is plenty, thanks.” But she was smiling and, however peculiar this friendship had grown to be, Remus was too.
Sirius found him in their room that night, on an evening achingly reminiscent of one from months past, a tale of auburn leaves slipping off barren branches to be stepped on and forgotten. Remus had a dumb smile plastered over his face and he almost said fuck it for the second time that today, but eventually decided that one impromptu coming-out was enough (temporarily).
“Moony.” He extended the end of Remus’ nickname as a smile toyed and played at his lips.
Remus threw a lighthearted pillow at him.
Sirius feigned offense, placing a hand over his heart with a gasp. “Moony! Such violent acts against your innocent best friend , Padfoot. I am shocked .”
Remus laughed -- when was the last time he’d done that -- and pushed himself up against his remaining pillows. “Whatever do you want, dearest Padfoot ?”
It was almost like transfiguration, how quickly Sirius’ expression sobered and lost its playful gleam. “Come to dinner?”
And Remus was surprised at how appealing it sounded (what was happening to him?). “Not tonight, Pads.”
He tried to ignore the familiar sting of hurt on Sirius’ face as he the door clicked shut behind him.
The next morning, James found Remus holed up in the library during his free class, staring but not processing the Transfiguration textbook opened below him.
Remus spoke first. “Hi.”
James was fidgety and looked uncomfortable, distinctly Sirius and Remus traits respectively -- point was, they weren’t meant to align with James .
“Hey, Moony, um--”
“I’m trans, yeah.” He fought his face into an expression of what he hoped was relative neutrality, refusing to be ashamed of his identity around one of his closest friends.
James was silent for a moment, but smiling nonetheless. “Brilliant.”
And there it was, out, easy as that.
Remus’ stomach hurt even as he smiled back.
Sirius opened the door to their room that afternoon as he’d done only twice before, with an air of uncharacteristic hesitancy and trepidation.
Remus fell into messy and shaking sobs the moment he looked up and saw the concern in Sirius’ eyes.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m--” he hiccuped. “Pads, I’m sorry , I don’t--”
The world had blurred again, the standard crimsons and golds of a dormitory in Gryffindor House blending in upon each other. Sirius blurred into the walls and curtains and window panes and Remus’ tears fell harder because of course Sirius would blur as well, the goddamned star that he was.
Sirius, from what Remus could make out, was positively bewildered. “Moony, what--”
“It’s Remus, my name is Remus and I didn’t tell you because I was scared, which makes no sense because you’re my best friend but I couldn’t tell you that I’m fucking trans--”
“ Remus .” Many catalysts of all sorts had made the sky blur over the years, but hearing Sirius say his name, his actual name, was the first to have paused the tumult of Remus’ world.
He blinked once, twice. His thoughts settled, slightly, like rocks in a pond. The silt had already been stirred and the water clouded, however.
“Remus,” Sirius said again. “Are you okay?”
He shook his head. “Let’s go through the list, hm?” his voice was dry, laced with cynic irony. “I’m a werewolf. I’m trans. And. . .and I never come to dinner when you ask me to because I’m a bit scared of the Great Hall, anymore.”
“Moving on from the first bit because,” Sirius gestured at himself vaguely, “we’ve done the best we can for now, yeah? And who gives a fuck if you use different pronouns than you used to? Because if they do they can contact one Mr. Sirius Black, former heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, for a first-rate ass-kicking--”
Sirius cut himself off at Remus’ small cough. “So, I take it you're okay with me?”
Sirius looked as though he wanted to roll his eyes but thought better of it, instead clearing his throat with a small smile tugging at his lips. “The name’s Sirius, and yours is?”
Remus couldn’t help but laugh. “You know my name, idiot.”
“Play along, Moony!”
“Remus.” his smile grew. “Remus Lupin.”
“Brilliant!” Sirius laughed, but sobered immediately. “Now, for our third bullet point. . .”
Remus sucked in a shaky, ragged breath and attempted to brace himself. He’d only had this conversation with himself and a mirror, but all times previously had ended in tears and fear and him missing the floating candles of the Great Hall.
“I’m scared, Sirius, and I have no fucking clue why.” His voice was pathetically high, his hands were pathetically shaky -- Remus was pathetic .
“Small steps, Moony, and you’ve got us to help you. All you have to do is try and let us in a bit.”
He was pathetic and crying and shaking, but he nodded anyway because Remus Lupin was nothing if he didn’t try.
Remus agreed to go with Sirius and the others to dinner that evening, if only to sip at his water glass and nibble asparagus ends. It was still progress, Sirius argued, and perhaps he was right.
They were just stepping into the din and chaos of the Great Hall when Remus decided, on a whim, to turn to Sirius with an uncharacteristic smile and whisper, “Right, I’m also gay.”
There was a splutter and a flush on Sirius’ cheeks as he turned and stepped into the Great Hall. It made sense that he’d blur into the noise, Remus mused, because he really was a star, and all.